ON BOYS Podcast

Photo by Ye Fang Kuang via Flickr Competitive video gaming may be coming soon to a school near you. E-sports  (short for "electronic sports") is a $900 million dollar global industry. In South Korea, top video game players are household names, and matches are televised. Here in the United States, more than 80 colleges and universities, including Kent State and the University of California - Berkeley, now offer esports scholarships. High schools are getting in on the action too. In October 2018, the National Federation of State High School Associations -- the same organization that promotes interscholastic sports and performing arts activities -- launches its first-ever eSports season; six different states hosted their first-ever state video game championships in January 2019. In February, another season of high school esports kicks off, with three additional states joining in on the fun. To many parents and grandparents, the idea of video games as a sport sounds, well, ridiculous. But coaches and players say that esports have a lot more in common with football, basketball and soccer than you may think. The real benefit of school sports, most people know, is that they teach teamwork, discipline and camaraderie. Few high school football players will go on to play football after high school, but the lessons learned on the field linger. So do the relationships players develop with their coaches and teammates. The same holds true for competitive video gamers. Like other athletes, they must learn how to communicate effectively and how to best use the strengths of each person on the team. They must learn how to control their emotions and assess and respond to an ever-changing environment. They gain a sense of pride and connection. In fact, there a lot of good reasons to say yes to esports: Kids thrive when they connect with other kids who share their passions Esports teams are under the supervision of a coach during practices and meets (rather than spending dozens of unsupervised hours playing video games) Esports fall under school athletic policies, so competitors must meet academic eligibility requirements and adhere to behavioral standards Anyone can compete in eSports. Size and strength aren't a plus or a minus, and mixed gender teams are common. (Check out this awesome Microsoft commercial, which illustrates how adaptive controllers break down barriers by allowing kids of all abilities to play together.) Most schools already have the equipment necessary to participate in eSports There's almost no travel involved (especially when compared to other sports!) In this episode,  Janet & Jen discuss: What esports are How -- and why -- esports can benefit video game-loving boys, especially non-athletic boys who don't feel connected to school What parents & teachers need to know about esports & competitive video gaming The similarities between esports & traditional sports What kids can learn from esports Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 149: Video Games are the New Competitive Sport in Schools -- Jen's article about esports Griffin's Chovy on His Ridiculous KDA of 104 & The Strength of His Team -- ESPN article (yes, an ESPN article!) about a competitive League of Legends player Which Schools Offer eSports Scholarships How to Start a High School Esports League & Benefit Your Got a competitive gamer in your life? Leave us a message! We'd love to interview him on in upcoming episode.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Love really is what makes the world go around.  At least, it's what makes the world a better place! Photo by photosavvy via Flickr On Valentine's Day, our thoughts typically turn to romantic love (thanks to a hefty assist by Hallmark, restaurants and jewelry companies.) In this special Valentine's Day episode, we're focusing on another kind of love: The love between parents and children, between grandparents and grandchildren, between teachers and the kids they teach. We're talking about transformative love -- the kind of love that tells a kid he's all right, and that the world needs him. We all love our children, but do our kids feel that love in their lives in a very real way? Many moms of boys struggle with how to best connect with their male children, especially when their boys seem more interested in playing video games online with their friends than having a heart-to-heart talk. So, we asked boys: How can the adults in your lives show you their love? Their answers may surprise you -- and give you some ideas you can use to build your relationship with the boys in your life. In this episode,  Janet & Jen: Why investing time in having fun with your boys is SO worthwhile! The importance of engaging with boys on their level, of accepting them as they are right this moment The important of physical affection, even for tween & teen boys Why you might want to be careful about packing "love notes" in your son's lunch box Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 148: How to Tell Your Son "I Love You" -- BuildingBoys post that inspired this episode Hug Your Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post Where the Red Fern Grows -- YA book mentioned by Janet at about 16:00 (and yes, she sent Jen a copy immediately after recording this episode!) McElligot's Pool -- classic Dr. Seuss book mentioned at about 19:00 Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie Dent's latest book (Don't know who Maggie Dent is? Pop over & listen to our conversation with her!) Episode 120: Hygiene Help for Tween and Teen Boys The 5 Love Languages of Children -- book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers -- book by Gary ChapmanAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Over the last year or so, as story after story of men's misconduct hit the headlines, one question rang out in the hearts, minds and souls of parents: How do we raise boys to become good men?  Boys, we know, are not born evil or prejudiced. We've seen their sweetness. We tousle their hair and tuck them in bed. We step over plastic dinosaurs and sit on the sidelines in all kinds of weather because we care about our boys. Because we love them. Because we want them to share their gifts and talents with the world. None of us wants to raise a sexual abuser, serial predator or school shooter. But none of us are quite sure how to insure against those awful possibilities. We don't know the exact recipe for a good man. Sure, we have some ideas, but in real time, most of us are just doing the best we can, minute to minute. Raising boys in a culture that's rapidly changing brings some real challenges, and those of us born before the turn of the century aren't sure how to parent the digital natives who share our homes. Washington Post writer and editor Amy Joyce is intimately familiar with the challenges of raising boys; she has two sons, ages 9 and 11. In 2018, motivated in part by national discussions about masculinity and how to raise good men, she and a team of journalists talked to boys, parents and experts about what it's like to be a boy today. The resulting three articles, published in late 2018, captured the essence of American boys at this critical juncture in time. The articles focus on boys at three discrete stages: Age 8, Age 11 and Age 17. Jen calls this series "the most real and compassionate portrayal of boys and their families in the media in a long time." We talked to Amy about this ground-breaking series and her experience raising boys. Amy Joyce, Washington Post On Parenting editor, top L. Janet, upper R; Jen bottom. In this episode,  Janet, Jen, & Amy discuss: Why the Washington Post produced this series, and how they found the boys and families they featured Possible plans for a follow up series Real-life challenges of boys and their parents Generational changes and challenges The "how do I not raise a jerk?" question How our stereotypical beliefs about boys can limit our boys, our parenting and our teaching Implicit biases against boys How working on this series changed Amy's approach to parenting her sons Male friendships during the tween and teen years Changing expectations for boys and men The public response to the WaPo series Why listening to -- and not underestimating -- boys is key to raising great men Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145: Being a Boy: Age 8 -- Washington Post article Being a Boy: Ages 11 & 12 -- Washington Post article Being a Boy: Age 17 -- Washington Post articleAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Young men are 4X more likely to die of suicide than young women The suicide rate for boys ages 15 to 19 grew by 30 percent from 2007 to 2015 Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24 No one wants to think or talk about suicide, but as people who care deeply about the well-being of boys, we'd be remiss to stay silent. This episode is a tough, but vitally important, one. Trigger warning: This episode includes frank conversations about suicide and includes non-graphic descriptions of the circumstances surrounding some suicides Katey McPherson Our guest, Katey McPherson, is a boy advocate, educator and consultant who turned her attention to suicide prevention after a slew of teenage boys in Arizona committed suicide. "Just in my 20 mile radius, we've lost 32 boys in 20 months," says McPherson. Most, she said, had experienced a "significant life crisis" in the weeks previous such as a breakup, academic or athletic failure or altercation with the law.  To many adults, these incidents may seem relatively minor. But in the life of tween or teen, these are major events. "The reality is, some of these children have never failed. And so when they have a failure, it is epic," McPherson explains. Social networking can further amplify kids' feeling of failure, as news of kids' achievements and failures quickly spread. Unfortunately, adults sometimes unwittingly make things worse by taking away their child's phone or keeping their child apart from friends. Teens rely on one another for social support, and use their phones to connect. Without their phones and friends, they feel alone and isolated. Trapped in their thoughts, it's all too easy to move from depression to suicidal ideation to suicide. Teenage boys' brains are immature. They don't process the world the same way we do. They're impulsive. We have to remember those facts when interacting with our teen boys. We have to listen, learn and love. Above all, pay attention to your gut instincts. "If your mom or dad radar is going off, there's something wrong," McPherson says. "Don't dismiss your mom or dad radar. That's where we go wrong."  Don't dismiss your concerns; act instead. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katey discuss: Parenting strategies that can decrease the risk of suicide and build resiliency The importance of discussing socio-emotional wellness Why it's CRUCIAL to discuss suicide, depression and mental health with your boys Why asking about suicide WILL NOT trigger suicide -- but may save a life How to tell the difference between teenage angst & depression Red flags, including disrupted sleep patterns and changes in behavior, hygiene, nonverbal communication and device usage Why you should be on alert after breakups, academic and athletic failures How a growth mindset can build coping skills and resilience How kids signal their despair on social media The importance of family media rules and a central charging station How to help your kids recognize -- and respond to -- friends' cries for help The importance of the village -- why parents must work together to keep kids safe What to do if your son is suicidal (Go immediately to a hospital with an adolescent behavioral center, or call 911) Comments shared with us after podcast went live: "Janet and Jennifer - I listen to your podcast every week in the car on the way to or from work and I am a big fan. Last Thursday, I called in sick to work, so didn't get to listen to this incredible episode. Hours later, my own teen boy was moving from ideation toward taking his own life, and we were alerted thanks to a friend who preferred to reach out for help for him rather than to "keep his trust" as a confidant.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

By now, you've probably seen this picture... ...and heard about Gillette's new ad, The Best Men Can Be Maybe you've even heard about the American Psychological Association's Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men, which some applaud and some condemn. (Two recent headlines: "Toxic Masculinity is Under Attack. And That's Fine," from a left-leaning website, and "The American Psychological Association Has Made Choosing a Therapist Easy," from a right-leaning site.) Discussion of these videos, pictures and guidelines have dominated social media recently -- for better and for worse. For better: People are publicly discussing masculinity and the expectations placed on boys and men. For worse: Many people are jumping to conclusions without looking at the actual source material. In many corners, "discussion" has devolved into shouting. In this episode, Jen & Janet dive in & discuss: The APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men The Gillette ad, The Best Men Can Be The encounter between the boys of Covington High School, tribal elder Nathan Phillips and the Black Hebrew Israelites Note: On 1/21/19, Twitter suspended an account which spread the initial 1-minute video of the encounter in DC after realizing that the account was likely part of a network of anonymous accounts that were working to amplify the video. Soon after that initial, short video sparked outrage, a longer, nearly 2-hour video of the encounter was posted on YouTube to an account called "John Duncan." As of 1/23/19, no one seems to know who recorded or posted the video. One journalist Jen spoke with said, "We all have serious questions about the origins of the vids and related content and the fact that finding a human attached to any of it proves elusive." Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145: APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men We Believe: The Best Men Can Be -- the Gillette ad Gillette Responds to Controversial Advert Challenging Toxic Masculinity -- Forbes.com article MAGA Losers Bothering a Native American -- short 1 minute video that ignited controversy Full video of what transpired regarding Catholic High students -- "John Duncan" video Episode 143: How Confidence & Joy Spark Success Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo Let's Stop Assuming the Worst About Boys -- Jen's U.S. News & World Report article    After listening, a Texas mom commented, "Thank you for addressing this issue straight on, Janet and Jen. You have a unique position in today’s world."  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by duncan c via Flickr Our listeners ask the big, important questions! When we put out our most recent call for listener questions, we got some heart-felt, thought-provoking, difficult-to-answer questions. Allison asked how to effectively love and support a young teen: We have a 14 year old boy, and I'm on shifting sands. I'm trying to find balance supporting and loving him while holding boundaries for battles that feel worthy of fighting. I know you all have talked young teens before, but this is all new for me, and I'm really struggling to find my new normal now that he's growing into a young man. We are strongly attached and have lots of love, so I'm grateful we get to start from there, but he can be combative and moody and I'm often taken aback by what new terrain this is. Margaret wants to know more about sensitive boys. She wrote: How about some conversation about the highly sensitive tween and tween boy? How to protect and honor and care for that gift and sensitivity, and integrate, be resilient and grow into their full masculine self in a way that honors and keeps the sensitive piece safe and ideally shares and appreciates it in helpful, meaningful, contributing ways? Linda asks about implicit bias: How do you help boys dealing with implicit bias, such as lower expectations from the teacher, benefit of doubt going to girls in conflict, etc.   In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Normal behavior for a 14 yr old boy Parenting teens as a marathon (on shifting sands) How learning & talking about the brain changes of adolescence can help parents & boys Why deliberate boundaries can decrease conflict between parents & children (and co-parents!) Shifting definitions of masculinity, and how to help your boy navigate them How to help your boy find his tribe Implicit bias against boys in schools - & how to keep it from damaging your son's self-esteem Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 144: Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis American Psychological Association Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men Episode 103: Sports and Boys Who Don't Like Them Episode 131: Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers Love this Listener Q & A? Plan to join us for an Open Mic! Upcoming Open Mic dates & times: January 31st – EVENING (6 pm pacific/ 9 pm eastern) March 9th – WEEKEND (11 am pacific/ 2 pm eastern) May 14th – DAYTIME (9 am pacific/ 1 pm eastern) Click here to learn more & registerAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"Confidence and joy are to the development of a child as oxygen is to life."   -- from Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Differences If your son struggles -- academically, socially, or emotionally -- you know how quickly simple struggles can dissolve into despair. A child who feels unsuccessful at school or in social settings tends to withdraw and give up; after all, what's the point of trying when more effort doesn't lead to more success? Repeated failure breeds apathy -- and given how many boys struggle in school, it's no wonder we're facing an epidemic of unmotivated teenage boys. It doesn't have to be this way. In their 2018 book Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Difference: A Step-by-Step Guidebook for Parents & Professionals, Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Elaine Fogel Schneider outline the toll learning differences take on kids' (and families') spirits, emotional health and overall well-being. Most importantly, they point the way toward change. Parents and educators, they say, can make a massive, positive difference in a child's life by finding and encouraging their strengths. Building confidence and joy in a child will give the child the will and fortitude necessary to thrive in the world Deb and Elaine are veteran speech-language pathologists; between them, they have more than 70 years combined experience working with children and families. Join Jen, Janet, Deb & Elaine for a lively conversation about the importance of confidence & joy, and how we can work together to spark change. Top L - Elaine Fogel Schneider; Top R - Janet Allison; Bottom L - Deborah Ross-Swain; Bottom R - Jennifer Fink In this episode,  Janet, Jen, Elaine & Deb discuss: "Red flags" parents & educators should watch for The importance of early intervention How to get help for a child who doesn't qualify for special education services How to build advocacy skills, so you can get your child the help he needs The importance of self-care How to build a support team How -- and why -- it's so important to offset negative feelings and angst Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 143: Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Difference: A Step-by-Step Guidebook for Parents & Professionals, by Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Elaine Fogel Schneider 7 Strategies for Raising Calm, Successful, Inspired Children, by Elaine Fogel Schneider How to Deal with an Unmotivated Boy -- BuildingBoys blog post by Jen The Swain Center - Dr. Swain's clinical practice. Ask Dr. Elaine -- Dr. Fogel-Schneider's website. (She's also a leading authority on touch & infant massage!)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The word resolution means "a firm decision to do or not to do something." It also means "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." As we head into 2019, let's consider both definitions of the word. Let's make some firm decisions to improve our relationships with our boys. Let's take steps to address and solve the contentious matters facing us. And let's work together to create a climate that encourages and supports boys and their families and teachers. Need some inspiration? Here are a few of Janet & Jen's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys: 1. Read a book about boys Our recommendations include The Minds of Boys:Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian; Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman; and Boy Talk: How You Can Help Your Son Express His Emotions, by Mary Polce-Lynch. 2. Investigate your school's discipline and recess policies. Compared to girls, boys are far more likely to be disciplined, suspended and expelled. They're also more likely to lose recess time (in many schools, keeping a child inside for recess is still an acceptable, oft-used disciplinary tactic). Unfortunately, harsh discipline and recess policies rarely lead boys to greater academic success and engagement. To the contrary: harsh discipline and lack of recess time is correlated with decreased engagement in school. If you have time, recess advocacy is a great way to help boys (and girls!). 3. Add activity Most boys -- most people! -- would do better with more movement in their lives. So, think about how you can add activity to your family life. 4. Say 'yes' as often as possible In our zeal to keep our boys safe, we often say no to activities that we consider "risky" or "stupid." This year, stop and think; don't let "no" be your reflexive answer. Whenever possible, say "yes" to your boys. You can mitigate risk without crushing your boys' hopes, dreams and ambitions. 5. Focus on what's right In her book You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, Jen Sincero writes, "What you focus on, you create more of, and if you keep expecting people to annoy you, they will not let you down." This year, make it a point to see, acknowledge and remember all of the things your boys are doing right -- and all of the good you're doing as well. 6. Share what you know about boys with other people. The world is in the midst of a current and ongoing conversation about how to raise boys. Increasingly, we're realizing that the way we treat our boys today influences the way they treat others when they become men. Collectively, there seems to be a strong desire to do better. As someone who cares about boys, you already know a lot about what boys think, feel and need. Share your knowledge with others, and discuss the things you're learning with them. Together, we can build a better world for boys. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 142: New Year's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys - BuildingBoys post On Boys OPEN MIC -- Your chance to ask us anything. Come to discuss your problems with other people who care about boys. Why Boys NEED Recess and How to Become a Recess Advocate - class BuildingBoys post Peaceful Playgrounds -- click here for the link to their free Right to Recess campaign toolbox Episode 131: Emails and Phone Calls from Teachers Why January is the Perfect Time for a Mid-Year School Check-In - BuildingBoys post Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post inspired by the quote in resolution #5Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

As 2018 draws to a close, we reflect back on our first year.  This podcast launched on March 12, 2018. Since then, we've recorded 40+ episodes, on everything from tween boy hygiene to how to talk to boys about sex, consent and masculinity in the #MeToo era. We hosted 11 guests, including Warren Farrell (author of The Boy Crisis), Maggie Dent (Australia's "Boy Champion") and Jen's 12 year old son, Sam Fink. We tried hard to bring you information and inspiration, and look forward to tackling all kinds of topics in 2019. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss the 5 most popular episodes of 2018: Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis This book is taking America by storm, and she is changing the way we are parenting. Episode 101: Homework and Boys As parents, we feel we have to conform to the school and the teacher, but that means we're battling with our sons every night because they don't want to do another ridiculous math sheet. Episode 125: Anxiety and Depression in Boys Anxiety and depression can show up so differently in boys and men than it does in girls and women. Episode 121: Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting & More Part of what we did in this episode was talk about what's normal, and when bickering and fighting cross the line into a very harmful pattern of behavior. Episode 104: Anger & Boys Developmentally, there are really good reasons why your boys are quick to anger. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 141: 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting -- Janet's course to help parents Down with Homework, Say U.S. School Districts - Wall Street Journal article We Spent a Year Reporting on Teen Anxiety. Here's What We Learned - and Why You're Part of the Solution -- Deseret News article. Includes links to many other articles about anxiety. Minivan Musings: How Parents Should Handle Their Angry Tween, Teen -- article referenced by Jen during the discussion of Anger & Boys Learning Lab: Boys and Anger -- 90-minute online workshop led by Janet Learning Lab: Homework -- 90-minute online workshop led by JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by cotaro70s via Flickr   Want your boys to develop gentleness and empathy? Get a guinea pig. So says Maggie Dent, Australia's BOY CHAMPION, mother of four grown boys and author of Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons.  If you haven't yet heard Part 1 of our conversation, toggle over and listen to that episode first. Then dig into Part 2. Some highlights: "It's really annoying that we still speak more harshly to little boys." "'Boys will be boys' is not acceptable without boundaries. However, you can't punish a little boy for something he did unintentionally." "The #1 biological calling for males, still, is to be the defender and protector." "Natural consequences are the best teacher. Sometimes, we have to celebrate the owies and ouchies and not see them as a sign of bad parenting." In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school Boys' inclination toward protecting others How to support boys' interest in superhero boy & play fighting How to deconstruct the "man code" and help boys' live authentically How to talk so boys will listen The importance of social-emotional development and learning Boys' friendships -- & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills "Rooster" boys & "lamb" boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers How (& why) natural consequences help boys learn Why stepping back -- and allowing your son to make his own choices -- may be the best gift you can give your son   Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 140: Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book "This is the book I'm on the earth to write." -- Maggie Dent maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources! Let Grow --  The new website of Lenore Skenazy, of Free-Range Kids fame Dear mums of smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused 14 year old boys -- one of Maggie's best blog posts Maggie Dent on YouTube -- Pro Tip: These short videos are great to share with dads! Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy