ON BOYS Podcast

Photo by Pat Knight via Flickr Boys are subject to negative stereotypes too. If you've been parenting boys for awhile, that fact probably isn't news to you. You've probably heard your son complain about teachers who treat boys differently than girls. Maybe you've seen the way other moms watch your son -- and you -- at the park, as if they expect your son to cause trouble at any moment. If you're new to parenting boys, it might surprise you to learn that a lot people assume (consciously and subconsciously) that boys are troublemakers. Worse yet, these assumptions color the way people talk about and interact with our boys -- which affects our boys, socially and emotionally. A 2018 study, The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom, found that kindergarten teachers regard active, playful boys as "rebellious" and "intrusive." These attitudes transferred to the children. By the time the children were in 3rd grade, both the boys and their classmates had internalized the teachers' negative perceptions of the "class clowns." Is is any wonder that boys, on a whole, are less interested in school than girls? Or that boys are far more likely than girls to be suspended and expelled? Despite its prevalence, anti-boy/anti-male bias is not often discussed. Socially, we've made a lot of progress in addressing racial stereotypes and sexist behavior toward women, but negative assumptions about males are rarely acknowledged. One of the things we can do, as boy parents and advocates, is draw attention to persistent negative stereotypes. We can point them out. We can share our experiences with other families and insist on equitable treatment of our boys. And we can talk honestly about negative stereotypes. Our boys already know that many people are quick to assume the worst about boys. They need us to acknowledge that fact. They need us to help them untangle stereotype from reality. We also have to equip our boys with the tools they need to stand strong in the face of anti-boy messages. You can begin by loving your son unconditionally, as is. In this episode, Janet & Jen: The "feel good" news story about middle school boys befriending a boy with autism at a local skate park -- and the negative stereotypes embedded in that story How to respond when your son reports stereotyping or misunderstandings at school How to help your son process negative stereotypes The link between fear and implicit bias Connection as a cure for implicit bias and negative stereotypes How to effectively teach self-advocacy skills Why moms of boys might be boys' best advocates Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Stop Assuming Boys Are Bad -- BuildingBoys blog post The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom -- research study mentioned at about 7:00 Don't Assume the Worst About Boys -- U.S News article by Jen How My Son, and a Pleather Jacket, Schooled Me on Being a 10-Year-Old Boy Today -- Washington Post article mentioned at 9:40 The Guide for White Women Who Teach Black Boys -- book mentioned by Janet at 15:18 Boys Will Be Boys? How Schools Can Be Guilty of Gender Bias -- Guardian articleAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kelly Goodwin is boy mom extraordinaire. Kelly Goodwin w her husband & 5 boys She's got 5 boys (currently ages 8-16), a degree in child development and a slew of nieces and nephews. If parenting boys has taught her anything, it's the power of trusting your instincts. That's why she launched Trust Yourself Mama, a YouTube channel that encourages parents of young children to trust themselves. Kelly's videos are short & sweet, so they're perfect for time-swamped parents who need a bit of encouragement and insight. Thanks to the internet (and podcasts!), parents today have instantaneous access to more parenting information than our grandparents could have ever envisioned. But all of that information can be a bit overwhelming. Kelly reminds us that we parents know our kids better than anyone. The parenting tips we find online might sound great, but only we can decide if those tips will be effective or helpful in our families. Kelly's videos are designed to be conversation-starters. You can watch them with your spouse or parenting partner, and then discuss your reactions. Her videos give you the chance to think carefully about your parenting goals and choose strategies aligned with your family values and goals. Kelly is quick to tell you that she doesn't have all the answer. Five boys and 16 years into parenting, she's still not sure when her boys need a dose of reality and when it would be better to simply encourage their dreams.   In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kelly discuss: How to decide when to send your son to school (especially if he has a late summer birthday) Making tough parenting decisions Learning to "adjust on the fly" Why it's important to understand what motivates each of your children The value of intuition in parenting How a family mission statement can help you make effective parenting decisions The importance of consistency in parenting How our emotions can hijack our parenting Boys' desire for a cheerleader Self-care for busy moms -- & why it's not selfish The stupid questions people ask parents of all boys, including the ever-popular "So, you gonna keep trying for a girl?" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Trust Yourself Mama -- Kelly's YouTube channel  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"He just won't talk to me." If you've ever uttered those words, you are not alone. Nearly every parent of boys has complained and/or worried about their sons' silence. We know that there's a lot going on in our boys' lives and we want to help -- but how can we help if they won't even tell us what's going on? Psychogeography, Janet says, might be the answer. (Don't know what that is? Don't worry! Jen didn't either.) The term psychogeography refers to the influence of geographical environment on the mind or on behavior. In other words, WHERE you are can influence communication. Think about it: hollering through a door sets an entirely different tone than sitting side-by-side in the car. As a parent, you can't make your son talk -- but there's a lot you can do to set the stage. Your actions, body language and behavior tell your son a lot about whether or not it's "safe" to talk to you. Phrases such as "My door is always open" and "You can tell me anything" are empty words to most boys. If you want your son to talk, you must first prove to your son -- through you words and behavior -- that you won't make things worse and are physically and emotionally available. Here's an acronym you can use to set yourself up for success: :  T.A.L.K. T -  The timing of your conversation. Be sensitive to your son's signals. A -  Incorporate action. Boys o best when they can do something physical during conversation. L - Love. Boys need to know that they're okay whatever is happening with them. K - Keep it kid-friendly. Choose developmentally appropriate words, and engage in your boy's world and interests. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The importance of listening Phrases that don't work How to set aside time for communication Why side-by-side conversations are often the most productive The T.A.L.K. approach to conversation How to fix things if the conversation goes badly (Note: It is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to repair the relationship. Don't expect your son to take the first step) Why you must be vulnerable in conversation How to set realistic expectations Males' tendency to process feelings via action & females' tendency to process via words Timing conversation (a.k.a, why it's important to make yourself available when they want to talk) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Listen so Boys Will Talk -- BuildingBoys blog post by Rob Brown What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- New York Times article mentioned at 6:14 How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- book by Michael C. Reichert, mentioned at about 10:30 Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden -- podcast episode mentioned at 16:41Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Katy Rank Lev has 3 feral sons. (Her words, not ours!) And up until her first son was born nine years ago, Katy had zero experience living with boys. She recently sent us this message :  I just had to write in and tell you all how meaningful your podcast is for me. I have all sisters and 12 female cousins...I never spent time w boys until I had 3! Your podcast is both validating and practical for me. Today, my oldest son asked if he could dismantle the dresser he broke before we hauled it out to the trash. I paused. And then said yes. All of my sons spent several peaceful hours dismantling the broken dresser, categorizing the metal bits they pulled out, splintering the paperboard into evenly sized stakes to hunt vampires. It was the most imaginative and wonderful morning we’ve had in weeks. Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to say yes to that!! As a "boy mom," Katy is not alone. It's so hard for moms of boys to figure out what's OK. We desperately want to raise boys who become decent, respectful men, but we aren't exactly sure if allowing fart jokes at the table will hinder that process. We want our boys to be active, strong and creative, but when they want to take apart furniture or wrestle at the playground, we're not sure if our job is to encourage them or rein them in. And through it all, we feel the weight of other parents' expectations. Learning to live with (and parent) boys is a skill. As Katy discovered, the more you know about boys, the better you can meet their needs -- and the more peaceful and joyful your home will be. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Katy discuss: The value of free play The benefits of saying YES Why you should let your kids use real tools Parenting "firecracker boys" How letting go of your expectations can create a happier home The stupid comments people make when they see an all-boy family Dealing with judgments from moms of girls The importance of connecting with other parents of boys Learning to listen to your instincts Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 156: katyranklev.com -- Katy's website (includes lots of links to her articles!) Comments From Strangers Upon Seeing My 3 Sons Out in Public This Week: An Annotated List -- Katy's Brain,Child article Step Lively: When Baby's Cries Are Cries for Help -- Katy's article about discovering her oldest son has autism Episode 102: Disappointments and Helping Boys Deal with Them -- all about Sam getting his 4-wheel license Savage Park - BuildingBoys blog post about a free-range playground in Japan 11 Tips for Surviving -- & Thriving -- With Boys in the House -- Parade article by Jen 4 Ways to Make Your House Movement-Friendly -- article by JenAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by John Mackie via Flickr Nearly 1 in 3 high school seniors tried vaping in the last year.  Middle schoolers are vaping too. According to the Centers for Disease Control, e-cigarette use among middle school students increased by 48% between 2017 and 2018. Now, nearly 5% of middle school students in the United States vape on a regular basis. Kids and teachers alike say that middle and high school students are vaping in the bathroom, in the halls and even in class. Vaping is so prevalent among tweens and teens that the U.S. Surgeon General declared youth vaping an epidemic in late 2018. The makers of e-cigarettes say that their products are intended to help adult smokers quit smoking tobacco cigarettes. Some have questioned the sincerity of that claim, noting that vape pens and juice come in shapes and flavors that appeal to children. The Juul, a common vape device, looks like a USB drive and is so popular among youth that the word "Juuling" is often used to mean "vaping." Juul e-cigarette and vape juice pods The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is preparing to release new rules designed to limit kids' access to vaping products. Among the rules under consideration: A ban on the sale of flavored e-cigarettes (except menthol and mint flavors) in stores that don't have areas prohibiting children under the age of 18 New age-verification standards for online stores selling e-cigarettes Increased enforcement of rules banning e-cigarette marketing toward minors Such rules may limit kids' access to e-cigarettes in the future, but right now, there are a whole lot of teens, tweens and families grappling with the issue of vaping. In this episode, we talk with Renee, a mom of twin teenage boys who vape. As she learned firsthand, it's not easy to help a son who's hooked on vaping. If your child vapes or smokes, visit teen.smokefree.gov for resources to help them quit including the quitSTART app and a text messaging program (Text “Quit” to 47848). In this episode,  Jen, Janet & Renee discuss: Signs and symptoms of vaping How to talk to your kids about vaping Why kids who would never dream of smoking a cigarette are comfortable with e-cigarettes How to help your kids resist peer pressure, including phrases you can teach your child to use when someone offers an e-cigarette A possible link between anxiety and vaping Health risks of vaping What it's like to help a teen quit vaping What to do if your son is vaping Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 155: Teens and Vaping: 9 Things Parents Need to Know -- article by Jen How to Talk with Your Kids About Vaping -- guide from the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids Electronic Cigarettes (E-Cigarettes) -- basic intro by the National Institute on Drug Abuse A Harm Reduction Guide for Parents of Teens Who Vape -- great resource for parents whose teens are already vaping Additional Resources: Smokefree Teen teen.smokefree.gov Helpful resources, including Smokefree TXT: Quitting on your phone, on your terms Free mobile service, if you have an unlimited text plan, for teens (starting at age 13) Provides 24/7 encouragement, advice and tips No parent permission required Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids  800-803-7178 tobaccofreekids.org Advocate for public policies to help teens quit smoking and protect people from secondhand smoke Truth (a campaign developed by teens) thetruth.com Teen videos, apparel and games   photo credit: https://vaping360.com/best-vape-starter-kits/pod-mini-vapes/  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Russ Allison Loar via Flickr Sweet 16. Here in the United States, age 16 has long been an eagerly anticipated milestone, largely because teens are eligible to get a driver's license at age 16. In the minds of many teens, age 16 = driver's license = increased independence. In the minds of many parents, age 16 = increased insurance costs and anxiety regarding their child's safety. In fact, fewer teens are getting drivers' licenses at age 16. According to an article published on Wired.com, just 71% of high school seniors have a driver's license; that's the lowest percentage in decades. Societal changes account for the decline: the prevalence of ride-sharing services such as Lyft & Uber means that many teens don't need to drive to get from one place to another, and social media now allows teens to socialize without leaving home. Economic challenges are a factor as well: 36% of non-driving teens cite "overall cost" as a contributing issue. Whether your teen gets a driver's license or not age 16 is a big deal. It's a step toward independence, and time to talk about responsible decision making. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Learning to drive as a rite of passage The importance of following your son's lead (Some are ready to drive at age 16; some have no desire) How to tell if your son is ready to drive How to set limits and guidelines that fit your son Why parents may not be the best driving instructors for their children How to talk to kids about the risks & responsibilities of driving (Hint: sharing scary stats does not work.) How graduated driver's licenses help teens build experience The role of role-modeling (Don't want your teen to text & drive? Don't text and drive!) The cost of driving -- how parents & kids can share the expense Things to consider when purchasing/helping your son purchase a car Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 154: How to Intervene When Life Gives Your Grown Son a Lemon -- article mentioned by Jen at about 20:00 Parent-Teen Driving Contract -- template created by the American Academy of Pediatrics and Centers for Disease Control Street Survival driving school -- driving school mentioned by Janet at 10:02 Age 16 & Learning to Let Go - blog post about what happened after Jen's son got his licenseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Janet & Jen had very different reactions to The New Childhood: Raising Children to Thrive in a Connected World, by author and educator Jordan Shapiro. Jen loved it. Janet has some, uh, questions. And concerns. So, we decided to talk to the author. Jordan was happy to talk with us. He's an assistant professor at Temple University who specializes in game-based learning, digital play and screens. As a senior fellow for the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop,  he coordinates research and advocacy around digital technology and playful education. He's also a dad of two boys, ages 11 and 13, so his knowledge of screens and digital play is more than academic. Like all 21st century parents, he grapples with technology and parenting every single day. Our society, he says, is changing. The digital age is here, and interconnected technology is changing everything -- how we work, relate, socialize, play, learn and plan. The pace of change has been fast and furious, and as a result, a lot of adults are feeling overwhelmed and somewhat fearful. But fear of technological and societal shifts won't help us teach our children to use the tools of the digital age in intentional, ethical and moral ways. To effectively parent today's kids -- and prepare them for the future -- we must open our minds, get clear about our values and talk to our kids about their digital engagement. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Jordan discuss: How parents' fear of screens can disrupt the parent/child relationship & inhibit child development How our ideas of "healthy behaviors" are based on and influenced by when and where we live What's really going on when kids are staring at separate screens Parallel digital play How screens can lead to connection (vs. disconnection) How non-techy parents can guide kids through the digital age (hint: it's all about values) Screens in schools Reading on screens vs reading text -- pros and cons Digital note taking vs. hand-written notes -- what does the evidence say? Whether or not screens and apps are "manipulating" us How our children internalize our voices and values Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 153: https://www.jordanshapiro.org/ -- Jordan's website (includes links to his articles and videos of his talks) The New Childhood: Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World -- Jordan's latest book 'The New Childhood' and How Games, Social Media are Good for Kids -- Variety article that brought Jordan's book to Jen's attention Screens and Boys -- On Boys episode 106 iGen - On Boys episode 137 Video Games & Boys (with special guest Greg Wondra) - On Boys episode 108 Tap, Click, Read: Growing Readers in a World of Screens by Lisa Guernsey & Michael H. Levine -- book mentioned by Jordan at about 21:30Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Happy Anniversary....Happy Birthday .... Any way you slice it - we're thrilled to bring you this special edition of ON BOYS. After a year of conversations - that's well over 50+ hours of talking, laughing, lamenting, and inspiring each other - and hopefully, our listeners - Jen and Janet learn some new and surprising things about each other in this episode ... and daydream about the day when they will FINALLY meet in person! Thank you, dear listeners, for supporting ON BOYS this year -- and for being boy champions! Much love, Janet & JenAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Rosalind Wiseman's work is based on the belief that young people's experiences are important, but often discounted. Adults, she says, frequently give young people advice without listening to them first. Boys often tune out adult's well-meaning messages because we fail to recognize that they are the subject matter experts of their own lives. However, if you respect their experiences and listen to their concerns, boys will work with you. Wiseman says that parents and teachers who want to communicate more effectively with boys should: Stop freaking out. Don't let anxiety drive your interactions with boys. Stop making assumptions about boys. Ask, don't lecture. In this episode, Wiseman answers some tough questions from parents, and drops wisdom that's sure to change your approach to (and relationship with) the boys in your life. In this episode,  Janet & Rosalind discuss: Why most social-emotional learning experiences alienate boys -- and why it's so important to consider boys' needs as we create programs to teach them character development, empathy & kindness How parents can more effectively listen to boys Why overwhelming boys with questions is exactly the wrong thing to do The importance of simply showing affection to your boys (vs. showering them with questions) How moms' intensity can cause boys to shut up or lash out The hypocrisy of adults (Boys aren't wrong when they call out adults as hypocritical and unfair!) The tightrope boys walk: On some level and in some instances, males have privilege and power that amplifies their voices. But in other cases, boys' voices aren't respected. Why there are no clear-cut answers to parenting dilemmas The importance of acknowledging the fact that adults sometimes make things worse How parents and teachers can partner with boys to help them solve tough problems Why it's so important to listen to and honor teen boys' fear of being falsely accused of sexual assault How to role-model apologies and healthy conflict resolution How to cope with boys' anger (Pro tip: Ask him what he needs, and let him walk away) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 151: CulturesofDignity.com - organization founded by Rosalind Wiseman. Works with communities to shift the way we think about young people's physical and emotional well-being Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman Masterminds & Wingmen -- BuildingBoys' review of Wiseman's book Q & A w Rosalind Wiseman, Author of Masterminds & Wingmen -- 2013 BuildingBoys post Owning Up curriculum -- Wiseman-developed curriculum created in collaboration with children and teens. Designed to help kids deal with bullying, harassment, racism, gossip, media and self-image Creating Culture's of Dignity - Wiseman's speech discussing adult & child/teen perceptions of "respect"Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Meet Stay-at-Home Dad, Homeschooling Dad, and Mankind Project participant and advocate, Mark. Dad of Sam, age 8, husband of Corissa, living in Portland, Oregon, Mark retraces his journey as a boy who didn't feel listened to by his mom and dad, struggling with his identity as a stay-at-home dad, and his striving to be an emotionally available, strong role model for his family. Mark's story may feel familiar to many men. A dad who was distant and detached. A mom who seemed to ignore his attempts to share his deeper feelings. Mark was left wondering what was wrong with him and wishing for more connection to himself and his family. When Mark discovered The Mankind Project, he discovered a brotherhood of men who are committed to bringing The Mankind Project states, "We believe that emotionally mature, powerful, compassionate, and purpose-driven men will help heal some of our society’s deepest wounds. We support the powerful brilliance of men and we are willing to look at, and take full responsibility for, the pain we are also capable of creating – and suffering. We care deeply about men, our families, communities, and the planet." Mark's conversation with Janet is touching, inspiring, and thoughtful. Listen until the end to hear Mark's heart-warming conversation with his dad - one that he wished had happened years earlier. Article of interest, too: https://goodmenproject.com/parenting/the-stigma-surrounding-stay-at-home-fathers/  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy