ON BOYS Podcast

Photo by Martin Abegglen via Flickr What is respect? We tell our boys all the time to "show some respect!" and to "respect your teachers," and worry about whether or not our boys know how to respect girls and women. But what does that mean? Defining respect, we've learned, is trickier than it seems at first glance, and if you and your son (or you and your parenting partner) are working with different definitions of "respect," you're likely to find yourself frustrated. According to the dictionary, respect has two definitions: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others Do you see the difference? According to Definition One, respect is something that is earned; someone must be or do something special to elicit admiration. Definition Two, on the other hand, implies regard for another, regardless of what the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of that person may be. What does this have to do with raising boys? Well, we're living in a culture in which people say things like, "I will never teach my son to respect women. I'd rather have him respect a rock. I teach him to respect people who earn it...Only toxic feminists demand respect when none is earned." A culture in which an online commenter responded to this sentence, "...It was important to us that our boys understand the incredible worth and dignity of women and that they grew up to be men who treated women with the respect they deserve" with this sentence: "The fact is that some women are deserving of no more commitment and respect than a urinal at a truck stop." It's time to talk seriously about respect: what it is, why it matters and what exactly we mean when we ask our boys to "show respect." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The definition of respect Why simply telling your kids to respect someone is meaningless How to handle tricky situations (Example: you want your son to respect his teacher, but the teacher belittles another child in the class) How to help a child handle feelings of disrespect Teaching respect in a disrespectful world Why you must explicitly describe the kind of you behavior you want from your child Helping boys navigate respect, justice and injustice The importance of role-modeling The difference between "dissing" and "disrespect" Disrespectful language How to disagree without showing disrespect Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teaching Boys to Respect Women -- BuildingBoys post (learn more about the "some women are no more deserving of respect than a truck stop urinal" comment) 21 Completely Subjective Rules for Raising Teenage Boys -- rule 1 is the one that inspired one man to write "I will never teach my son to respect" women - & inspired this podcast episode! Finding Balance & Handling Disrespect -- ON BOYS episode that can help you deal with disrespectful behavior How to Show Respect to Others (& Why It's Important in Life) -- includes 6 concrete suggestions LiveRespect Curriculum -- FREE curriculum to help boys become healthy men The Center for Respect -- Mike Domitrz's business; includes links to his parent & school programs (Wanna get to know Mike? Here he is on ON BOYS) Cultures of Dignity -- Rosalind Wiseman's website; includes links to her blog and a plethora of resources (Listen to Rosalind on ON BOYS)   LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

More Maggie Dent! (If you haven't yet listened to Part 1 of our conversation, go listen to that one first. Then come back for more Maggie!) In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school Boys’ inclination toward protecting others How to support boys’ interest in superhero boy & play fighting How to deconstruct the “man code” and help boys’ live authentically How to talk so boys will listen The importance of social-emotional development and learning Boys’ friendships — & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills “Rooster” boys & “lamb” boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book “This is the book I’m on the earth to write.” — Maggie Dent maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources! Let Grow —  The new website of Lenore Skenazy, of Free-Range Kids fame Dear mums of smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused 14 year old boys — one of Maggie’s best blog posts Maggie Dent on YouTube –– Pro Tip: These short videos are great to share with dads! Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden How to Listen to Him -- So He Will Want to Talk to You IF YOU LIKE THIS EPISODE - Please share it with a friend! (and thanks!) TEXT them the link:  http://on-boys-podcast.com And share on your social media: Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Maggie Dent Our friend Maggie Dent  will be in British Columbia later this month, so we thought this would be a great time to re-share her wisdom & encouragement! Maggie the mom of four now-grown boys, a parenting educator & author of numerous books, including Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Moms of Sons. This conversation was originally recorded in December 2018 but the advice here is timeless. Enjoy! Some gems: Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys’ dreams or fantastic plans with your words. It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened. That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys’ behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart. In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: Why shaming is so harmful to boys Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play) The importance of PLAY Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections) The link between movement and learning How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view — and treat — boys What to do when boys muck up IF YOU LIKE THIS EPISODE - Will you share it with a friend? (and thanks!) TEXT them the link:  http://on-boys-podcast.com Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Google "boy mentors" and you'll get more than 20,000,000 results. Search for "mentors for boy moms" and you'll get just over 900,000 results -- and most are resources to help single moms find male mentors for their sons.You'll find next-to-nothing about how to find a mentor for yourself. But moms need mentors too. When Jen & Janet met recently (for the first time! at a podcast conference), they heard a talk about the importance of female mentors. The presenter, Robyn Sayles, pointed out the dearth of female mentors in movies, books and real life. Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi & Yoda to guide him and encourage him; they shared with him crucial information and skills that helped him complete his mission. Without their help, would Luke have managed to inspire and lead the Rebels? Here at ON BOYS, we talk a lot about boys. But we know that many (if not most) of our listeners are women. We know that many of you are facing challenges in your parenting and that you'd love an Obi Wan to help you through this parenting journey. We realized that boy moms, in particular, need mentors. According to the dictionary, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor. We hope we've earned your trust and we want to continue serving you as experienced advisors. But we also encourage you to reach out to other "boy moms," both locally and globally. Connect with a mom whose boys are just a bit older than yours; she can help you put your current challenges in perspective and share tips and tricks that have (and have not!) worked for her. Reach out to a mom with younger boys too; no matter how young your boys are, there's another mom out there with younger boys who feels even more inexperienced and lost than you do. When we parent alone & in isolation, we all hurt. When we share our knowledge & strength, we all win. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How a lack of mentorship harms moms & families The benefits of mentoring -- to both the mentee & mentor How to find an effective mentor Why it's hard for moms to accept (and ask for) help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mommy Mentor: Why Every Mom Needs One -- 2013 article from Today's Parent LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

At age 4, Sassy Harvey's son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay.  Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that. It's 2019. Girls, we know can become astronauts and scientists and ministers and presidents. But boys who dance are STILL routinely perceived as gay and effeminate. In fact, according to a recent study of male ballet dancers: 93% of boys involved in ballet report "teasing and name calling" 68% experience "verbal or physical harassment" 11% were victims of physical harm - at the hands of people who targeted them because they study dance Shortly after her son quit formal dance classes, Sassy launched MY BOY CAN, an organization that would like to see a social shift in attitudes towards boys and challenges the constraints placed on boys. Often, Sassy says, "when a boy expresses interest that in things that are perceived as 'for girls,' they are told they shouldn't or can't." MY BOY CAN's first campaign was #MyBoyCanDance. Sassy reached out to dance studios and others in Portsmouth, England (her home base) and encouraged people to share photos of boys and men dancing, with the hashtag #MyBoyCanDance. Thanks to the power of the Internet, "it went crazy," Sassy said. "It's now worldwide." Of course, there's much work yet to be done. But as Sassy explains, "It all starts with us stopping the 'My boy won’t, can’t, shouldn’t because he is a boy' and starting instead to say, 'My Boy Can.'" Top L: Sassy Harvey. Top R: Janet Allison. Bottom: Jennifer Fink In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sassy discuss: The pressure boys face to conform to gender stereotypes How parents can support boys (and each other) as they challenge stereotypes The power of community (working together, parents of boys have more power than we do individually) How boy parents can create societal change How to help boys reframe public perceptions of dance How dance instructors and studios can create boy-friendly dance classes The importance (and value) of empowering boys to pursue their interests What to do if your boy's dad is the one discouraging dance (or any other activity) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: My Boy Can -- Sassy's Facebook community Boys Can Dance Too -- Building Boys post Tight, Tutus & "Relentless" Teasing: Inside Ballet's Bullying Epidemic -- excellent HuffPo article Danseur -- documentary film (mentioned at about 19:20) about male dancers The Heart of a Boy: Celebrating the Strength and Spirit of Boyhood, by Kate T. Parker -- BEAUTIFUL books w tons of photos of boys engaged in all kinds of activities. Includes thought-provoking quotes from the featured boys Let Toys Be Toys -- UK-based campaign that asks the toy & publishing industries to stop limiting children's interests by promoting some toys & books as only suitable for girls, and others only for boys (Website includes lots of great articles and links to their social media) Let Clothes Be Clothes -- campaign calling on retailers to stop limiting children via outdated gender stereotypes in the design & marketing of kids' clothes LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's time for another listener Q & A! A Boys Alive! FB group member asks: How can I interest a teen boy in becoming a good world citizen? A Twitter follower asks: What do you say to boys who say they're the best at...whatever the conversation is about. I've heard this from multiple 7/8/9 yo boys. So much bragging. Jacquie asks: How do we help people understand that there are differences between boys and girls and that it's OK to recognize that fact? So often, we are focused on saying, 'girls can do anything boys can do' that we forget there are things girls may not want to do or boys tend to do more naturally. Greg asks: Why won't they listen? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why you'll have better luck following your son's lead than trying to plot his direction How to enlarge your son's world and expand his point-of-view, no matter where you live (or the size of your budget) How to reign in your own anxiety (Note: your son's behavior is not a judgement of your parenting!) How to handle boys' boasting Why boys brag Talking about gender differences between boys and girls Respecting individual differences How parents can advocate for boys The Handmaid's Tale (trust us: it's relevant) How to help boys listen Biological factors that affect boys' ability to listen Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Boys Overestimate Their School Skills, Girls Underestimate Theirs -- study mentioned at 9:09 Girls Underestimate Their STEM Aptitude, Boys Overestimate -- similar study Gender Hearing Differences -- blog post that explores why boys  may not listen as well as you think they should LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link LinkedIn:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The beginning of the school year stirs up a lot of emotions for boys -- and their parents. The number of boys who don't like school has been increasing in recent years. In 1980, just 14% of boys told researchers they "didn't like" school. By 2001, 24% -- nearly one-quarter of all boys -- said they didn't like school. Today, that number is likely even higher. Pay attention to your son's signals. His reactions to back-to-school ads and events can tell you a lot about his general attitude toward school. Look. Listen. Then, help him address his concerns. Remember: school is just ONE PART of your son's life. Sure, you'll want to encourage him to do his best, but please leave room for family time and personal interests as well. Overemphasizing academics does not help boys. In this episode, Janet & Jen  discuss: Why so many boys dislike school Physical and emotional symptoms of school anxiety Transitioning from summer to school How to help your son set goals for the school year Establishing a sane schedule Prioritizing family time How unstructured time helps boys learn Teacher-parent relationships How to get on his teacher's "good side" Why you shouldn't "overshare" with your son's teacher, especially at the beginning of the academic year The kindergarten/1st grade conundrum -- how to know when it's time to send your son to first grade & why you might want to wait Why it's crucial to build activity into your son's day Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Back to School: Start Getting Ready Now -- Boys Alive! blog post How to Help Your Boys Have a Great School Year -- On Boys episode 124 5 Back to School Resolutions -- Building Boys blog post Homework and Boys -- On Boys episode 101 Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- On Boys episode 131 Back to School Tips for Boys -- Building Boys blog post New Research Shows Link Between Kindergarten Cutoff Dates & ADHD Diagnosis -- study mentioned at 24:30 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  use this link Facebook:   use this link LinkedIn:   use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Youth sports are a BIG DEAL.  According to ESPN, 28.7 million American kids between the ages of 6 and 17 played youth sports in 2013. That number is likely low; many kids start well before age 6. Gone are the days when boys started Little League at age 10 or 11. Today, T-ball begins at age 3 or 4, and many kids are on travel teams by the time they're 6. Today's families are investing a lot of time and money into sports. (According to one estimate, travel team parents spent on average $2266 annually on youth sports; at the elite level, that number can jump to more than $20,000.) Whether your son is into sports or not, your family will surely face pressure to sign him up for one (or more) sports teams and then steadily escalate his involvement. If your son is into it, he can reap a lot of benefits; it's well-known that sports are a great way to learn teamwork and persistence. But sports aren't all positive. We've all heard stories about athletes behaving badly and parents berating small children and umpires from the bleachers. We know that locker room antics aren't always positive and we wonder how to balance youth sports with family life. (20 years into parenting boys, Jen still hasn't satisfactorily solved the problem of supper on sports nights.) Geoff and Jacob are that rare breed - VOLUNTEER youth sport coaches - and THEY LOVE IT! It's a way for them to be involved with their own children's sports but they also like guiding other youth to E.A.T.  Yep, EAT - that's E for Effort, A for attitude, and T for teamwork.  Those are their guiding principles and consequently, their players are learning life skills along with their sports skills. A dynamic conversation with these two amazing dads, coaches, and gentlemen. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook: Use this link LinkedIn: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy."  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Black boys fare worse than white boys in 99% of America. Here to help us untangle the many factors that affect black boys' experience in America is Hilary Beard, author of Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life and creator of Rise & Thrive Online Parenting Program. Hilary Beard "We thought we were raising the Obama generation, a generation of young people who would live in a world that was very diverse, with racial harmony and a greater level of equity. We thought our children would finally be able to walk through the doors of opportunity and assume their rightful seat at the table," Hilary says. But in late 2019, Black and brown boys continue to be pulled over and prosecuted for actions that often net white boys a warning. The President of the United States recently told four black and brown congresswomen to "go back....[to] the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came." And hate crimes targeting individuals' race and ethnicity are on the rise, according to statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice. So, even as Americans cry over the injustices illustrated in When They See Us, the Netflix mini-series portraying the experiences of five boys once known as the Central Park Five, inequality and racism remain. Black and brown children are frequently disciplined in school for developmentally appropriate behavior -- which affects children's perceptions of themselves and of school, as well as academic outcomes. (Kids who are suspended and expelled from school spend less time in class, so their academic performance tends to fall off and they are less likely to graduate high school and attend college.) Talking about race isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary. In this episode, we discuss: How parents of Black & brown boys can help them survive & thrive in the face of racism The racial wealth gap (& how it was created by public policies) Mass incarceration & the school-to-prison pipeline Unconscious and implicit bias How zero tolerance policies have had an out-sized effect on boys, especially Black and brown boys How parents & concerned citizens can address racial disparities in education How white people can effectively ally with Black and brown people Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life, by Hilary Beard (companion book to the documentary American Promise) HilaryBeard.com -- Hilary's website. Includes links to her books, articles & classes Extensive Data Shows Punishing Reach of Racism for Black Men -- New York Times article that graphically illustrates differences in outcomes between white & black males of similar backgrounds How to Build Up Black Boys -- U.S. News & World Report article by Jen ocrdata.ed.gov -- database you can use to see your school's or district's disciplinary data Zero Tolerance: An Idea Whose Time Had Passed? -- Scholastic article by Jen Behavioral Referrals Plummeted While Attendance Skyrocketed in this District -- Jen's article about alternative discipline approaches Building a Positive School Culture: How One School Transformed from Violence to Haven -- 2014 School Leaders Now article by Jen White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism, by Robin DiAngelo -- book mentioned at 39:20 MTV's Look Different -- includes an implicit bias quiz, 7-day bias cleanse and tips about language LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter - use this link Facebook - use this link LinkedIn - use this link   STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy." and opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our boys often wear metaphorical masks. We all do, in fact. At work, we typically wear our confident, professional faces. At home, we aim for warm, nurturing and competent. But underneath, we may be feeling anger, frustration, sadness or shame. Our "masks" allow us to go about our days and meet our responsibilities without ruffling too many feathers or attracting too much attention. Boys don masks for the same reason. Our boys are swimming in a soup of messages that tell them exactly how boys should look and behave. So, to meet expectations and find social acceptance, boys often adopt personas and attitudes that conceal their true personalities and feelings. Ashanti Branch, founder and executive director of Ever Forward Club, helps boys (and girls) identify and remove their masks. He helps them get in touch with their inner selves and emotions, so they can connect authentically with themselves and others. He also helps educators understand and connect with students.   In this episode, Janet, Jen & Ashanti discuss: Social pressures that affect boys Why telling a boy he's "the man of the house" is harmful The #100K Mask Challenge Why it may take boys a long time to remove their masks Why treating boys as if they're giving their best is often a better option than nagging or negatively engaging How to create space for boys to be human Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Ever Forward Club -- Ashanti's non-profit The Mask You Live In -- 2015 documentary about boys' struggles with masculinity; features Ashanti. The film is currently available on Amazon Prime. #100K Masks Challenge --  Ashanti & Ever Forward's effort to engage 100,000 people from all over the world in self-reflection The Masks We All Wear -- TEDx talk by Ashanti LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends: Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link LinkedIn: Use this link Pinterest: Use this link STAY CONNECTED: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report on “Understanding Boys Better – and Why He Needs You Now More Than Ever” and  BuildingBoys.net Also, follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetallison/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferlwfink/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy