ON BOYS Podcast

Image by Kate Ware via Flickr How do you teach boys gratitude? So many parents today are frustrated by their boys' apparent lack of gratitude. All too often, our boys come off as ungrateful, entitled jerks -- and it bugs the bejeezus out of us! We're embarrassed, we're annoyed and we secretly feel like failures, because surely good parents would raise grateful, gracious children, right? Well, the truth is that all children are self-centered; that's part of being a child! As children grow, they gradually learn that they are not the center of the universe, and they gradually -- very gradually -- learn that they must consider others' feelings, desires, and needs as well. Science has shown a strong link between kids' developmental stages and gratitude. Put simply, older teenagers are much more capable of feeling and expressing gratitude than younger younger. In fact, according to an on Harvard Health, "gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity." In other words, your 7-year-old son is not supposed to be great at gratitude. He's still developing the socioemotional skills that will allow him to perceive and appreciate all that others do for him. That said, there's a lot you can do to nurture the development of gratitude in your sons. Happy Thanksgiving! In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The limits of role-modeling in teaching gratitude How emotional development affects gratitude Why boys w ADHD may struggle with gratitude Developmentally appropriate expectations Gratitude's benefits Creating a culture of service and volunteering Drawing kids' attention to the many ways others hep them How wonder & awe create appreciation Concrete steps you can take to teach boys gratitude How keeping a gratitude journal can help combat anxiety and depression Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of "boy moms," including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Jen's boys have been using Everywhere Wash and Face First for the past month, and their faces are clear. Best of all, they actually use these products (unlike some other products I've brought home). Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teaching Boys Social Skills -- ON BOYS episode featuring ADHD expert Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 5:06) Parenting Boys with Maggie Dent (Part 1) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Australia's "boy champion" (mentioned at 22:55) In Praise of Gratitude -- Harvard Health article Seven Ways to Foster Gratitude in Kids -- Greater Good magazine article LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How important is college? That's a fraught question for many families, particularly in an age of rapid technological change and occupational insecurity. We've been told that education is the key to success, but post-secondary education is priced like a luxury item, at least here in the U.S. In his new book, The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us, author Paul Tough writes, "for many young Americans, [the U.S. system of higher education] functions as...an obstacle to mobility, an instrument that reinforces a rigid social hierarchy and prevents them from moving beyond the circumstances of their birth." Ouch. And yet, many of us shy away from that reality. "We're not being honest with ourselves and with our young people about how complex it is to get from high school to the kind of education you need to succeed," Paul says. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Paul discuss: The intense pressure kids feel to achieve academically and go to college A healthier approach to education & learning The value of liberal arts studies Helping boys navigate high-stakes academic decisions Other post-high school options Vocational education  (& why the skilled trades aren't exactly a "no college" option) The truth about welding as a career Supporting boys as they figure out a career and life plan Encouraging resilience, optimism & self-discipline to help boys overcome obstacles Helping boys transition to college (for more, check out this previous episode) Navigating socioeconomic and cultural challenges at college Advocating for systemic changes to higher education Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: www.paultough.com -- Paul's online home. Includes his speaking schedule and links to his online articles. The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us -- Paul's latest book How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity & the Hidden Power of Character -- 2013 classic by Paul Helping Children Succeed: What Works and Why -- the follow-up book to How Children Succeed Managing the Transition to College -- On Boys episode featuring Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go    LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"You will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting." -- Dr. Vanessa Lapointe Parenting boys is not an easy gig! So often, we are confronted with situations that we simply don't know how to handle. What does one do when your two-year-old insists on pooping in the corner? How should you respond when your tween calls you a "bitch?" What's an appropriate consequence for a boy who's failing all his classes because he refuses to do any of the work? Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parent of two boys, says those are the wrong questions. Instead of worrying over, "What do I DO when X happens?" she encourages parents to consider "How do I need to BE when X happens?" Her books, Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years and Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, urge parents to take a step back. Despite our best intentions, many of us parent as we were parented. That can be a good thing, but it's also frustrating for many of us who find ourselves yelling more often than connecting. To truly move forward, we need to wrestle with the ways our growing-up experiences affected us -- and that's not easy. "Everyone wants the magic steps. We all want tips and techniques, but that just isn't the way humans go," Dr. Vanessa says. "The truth is, you will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting. As you tumble to your knees and realize that there's this massive shift occurring inside of you, you have a choice: You can choose to stay in the status quo and carry on as-is and come what may, and that may seem like the easier route, but I promise you: down the road, that's not going to be the easier route." Alternately, she says, "you can choose to accept this as what it actually is: an invitation for you to step into your own growth." In this episode, Janet, Jen & Dr. Vanessa discuss: The 2 most powerful influences on how we parent Why you should never accept parenting advice from someone who's not been in the trenches How to effectively parent with a partner when you're on different pages (Spoiler: Your partner's job is to "trigger the beejeebies out of you!" Dr. Vanessa says) Dealing with toddler biting How your emotions affect your parenting Letting go of guilt Dandelion & orchid children What raising 2 boys taught Dr. Vanessa about parenting Why one-size-fits-all parenting will never work Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drvanessalapointe.com -- Dr. Vanessa's online home Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, by Vanessa Lapointe Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years, by Vanessa Lapointe The Work of Byron Katie -- mentioned by Dr. Vanessa at 16:50. Includes tools you can use to question and reframe stressful thoughts LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

November is Military Family Month. We Americans pause on November 11 to recognize the sacrifices of our veterans. This month, let's also remember the sacrifices of their families. If you think it's hard to raise boys, try raising boys in a military environment. Frequent moves and deployments challenge the whole family! Lauren Tamm, creator of The Military Wife and Mom, is a mom of two (a boy and a girl); she's also married to an active-duty Marine. She's passionate about helping parents, teachers, care givers and military spouses discover simple tools that minimize stress, create peace and build connection. Whether or not you're a military family, you're likely to take away a few tips that will help you in everyday life. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Lauren discuss: The challenges -- and unpredictability -- of military life How citizens can support military families Parenting under stress Masculinity in the military Making space for difficult feelings Building resilience & coping skills Managing your emotions so you can effectively help your children Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Military Wife and Mom -- Lauren's blog How to Handle Backtalk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior -- great post by Lauren What No One Tells You About Parenting Toddler Boys -- blog post by Lauren Raising Boys to be Men: 3 Crucial Steps That You're Missing -- a must-read by Lauren (mentioned at 20:02) Multi-State Licenses Help Military Spouse & Other Nurses Start Working Right Away -- article by Jen that highlights how legislation can affect military spouses' employability LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook: Use this Link Linkedin: Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Charlie Capen Humor, says Charlie Capen, is one of the most important tools in parenting. But this actor/musician/writer/dad-of-two-boys isn't afraid to get serious either. Capen is one of the founders of HowToBeADad.com, which he freely admits uses humor as a way to get guys to talk and think about parenting. A generation ago, there were few -- if any -- spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today's dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on day-to-day childcare. Now, fathers are increasingly involved in their children's lives but they're still stymied by stereotypes. Capen is one of the many dads who are blazing a new trail. He encourages all parents to reject stereotypical expectations and instead use their natural gifts and talents to connect with their children. "Every time I tried to be what I thought was a 'good dad,' I removed my creativity and my ability from parenting" Capen says. "I started to do things that we out of character and I left out whole parts of myself, and as soon as I started accepting, 'this is my parenting style & how I choose to live,' more power and ability arose." That's not to say he has parenting figured out. He doesn't. "Parenting is the process of unlearning the things you absolutely thought you knew," Capen says. But "not knowing" is a powerful agent for change. When you accept the fact that you don't have all the answer, you're free to explore and experiment. Wondering why Jen has a blanket on her head? Blame California's Pacific Gas & Electric. We like to snap a photo with our guests, but Charlie was reluctant; he lives in CA and his power was off due to the threat of wildfire -- which meant that he hadn't been able to shower or style his hair prior to our conversation. We reassured him & told him we've recorded LOTS of episodes like that! (Pictorial evidence below).  Charlie gamely pulled up his hood and Janet did too, in solidarity, and Jen didn't have a hood, so...Silly photo brought to you by PG&E. :) Remember: humor is one of the most important tools in parenting (and life)!  In this episode, Janet, Jen & Charlie discuss: Using humor to survive parenting Dad stereotypes How moms subsconsciously interfere with dads' relationships with their kids Breaking down gender stereotypes to empower children & adults Why you should embrace your unique skills, talents & interests (& stop worrying about the "shoulds!") The benefits of striving for harmony, vs. striving for balance Identifying and meeting the needs of each unique child Surviving parenting challenges Gaming for social good Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: HowToBeADad.com -- the website Charlie founded GISH.com -- online home of the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World, by Jane McGonigal -- book mentioned at 32:38   LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Grey World via Flickr What do you do if a teacher shames your son in front of the class?  For many parents, this is not an abstract question. Teachers, coaches, bus drivers and yes, even parents still use shame to shape kids' behavior. Adults yell at children in front of their peers, berate them for a lack of effort, criticize their attempts...and children's spirits shrivel. Shame is a universal human experience. According to the Oxford dictionary, shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." In and of itself, the emotion isn't particularly harmful; it can even positively mold behavior. However, when human beings are humiliated by others, they tend to assume that there is something wrong with them. People who are repetitively shamed do not feel an innate sense of worth; instead, they feel unworthy and unlovable. If your grew up with shame (and many of us did), you may be hard-pressed to recognize it or its harm. Breathe. Listen. Think. We can do better for our boys. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The difference between SHAME and SHAMING How the "boy code" feeds shame and guilt Harmful effects of shame Breaking the generational cycles of shame Classroom management practices that fuel shame & cause harm (Clip charts, we're looking at you!) The link between school shaming and boys' negative attitudes toward school Respectful discipline Healing from shame Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teaching Boys Respect -- ON BOYS episode Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode How Children Develop Toxic Shame -- Aha! Parenting blog post How to Break the Cycle of Shame with Your Child -- Aha! Parenting blog post Moving Into the Red: Boys & Education -- Jen's post about her son's experience with school behavior charts (mentioned at 15:40) Why Classroom Clip Charts Do More Harm Than Good -- Parents article by psychologist Emily King Is There a Place for Shame in Your Parenting Toolbox? -- Washington Post article 5 Ways Shame Can Shape Your Life -- article mentioned by Janet at 22:30 How to Teach Consent to Boys -- Without Shaming Them -- Your Teen article by Jen   LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's not easy to talk to boys about anxiety, depression and mental health. And yet, in a world in which 1 in 8 kids has an anxiety disorder and 2-3% of children ages 6-12 have serious depression and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24, not talking about these topics is irresponsible. You wouldn't skip the sex talk, would you? (If so, click over to this episode right now!) As adults, it's our job to equip our children with the skills they need to deal with whatever life sends their way. Our job to help them develop problem-solving and coping skills, and our responsibility to make sure they know the facts about mental health. Kristi Hugstad, a health educator-turned-author, speaker and grief recovery specialist, learned about mental illness the hard way. Her husband battled depression; in 2012, he died by suicide. Today, Kristi shares her knowledge and message of hope with others. Her book, Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend Is in Crisis, is designed to help parents, teens and educators dig into tough subjects. The overarching message is that you are not alone;  mental illness is very treatable and manageable with support. "Depression is an illness, and there is help and there is hope," Kristi says. "Once you understand that it is an illness just like cancer, just like diabetes, and you need treatment, it takes away some of its power. It's a little less scary." And, she says, "if you had cancer, you wouldn't just sit and hope it goes away. You would immediately seek treatment and do what you need to do to conquer that disease." If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kristi discuss: HOW to start discussing mental health with teens What most people misunderstand about suicide Why so many men & boys are so reluctant to admit problems or reach out for help (Spoiler: they've been taught that it's a sign of weakness -- and the opposite of how a male should behave) Age-appropriate conversations about mental health Physical symptoms of anxiety and depression How to respond to a headache or stomachache that you think might be related to anxiety The pros and cons of taking away your son's phone when he gets in trouble Technology guidelines for mental health How lack of sleep negatively affects mental health Working together in community to support kids' mental health Talking to your kids about your own mental health struggles Warning signs and risk factors of suicide and depression - & how to respond Supporting our sons when there's been a suicide in the community Teaching tweens and teens to care for their mental health (Note: Lead by example! Get outside, exercise, get enough sleep) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend is in Crisis -- Kristi's book The Grief Girl -- Kristi's website & podcast What You Need to Know about Boys and Suicide (w Katey McPherson) -- ON BOYS episode 46 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook:  Use this Link Linkedin:  Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Australian author and psychologist Steve Biddulph was one of the first to highlight the unique needs of boys. In the mid-1990s, "Steve went out on a limb to stand up for boys and men in a time when, culturally, the focus was really on girls and women," Janet says. His books, including The Secrets of Happy Children and Manhood, have been translated into more than 30 languages. The 1997 classic Raising Boys: Why Boys are So Different - and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balance Men changed the way Janet taught and influenced a generation of parents and teachers. Steve completed updated the book in 2018; Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men addresses the concerns and challenges facing today's parents of boys. Now, we know that boys' brains develop on a different trajectory than girls'. The part of the brain that handles language, for instance, matures more slowly in males than in females, which is one reason why boys aren't as verbal as girls (generally speaking), especially when it comes to emotions. But a tendency isn't destiny; with that knowledge in hand, parents can make a concerted effort to stimulate their son's language development by reading to him, singing to him and talking with him often. A basic knowledge of boy development, coupled with general familiarity with the many challenges boys face, will help you parent your son. ("There are risk factors to being a boy," Steve says, pointing out that males are 3 times more likely to die by age 25 than females.) Learning more about the "Full-On 4s" and the "Emotional 8s" will increase your understanding of your son, so you can respond more effectively to his mood changes and growth. However, it's absolutely essential for you to get to know -- and support -- your son as a unique individual. There is no boy quite like your boy. (Jen missed this conversation after realizing that Fri. in Tasmania is Thursday in the U.S -- and her son's biggest soccer game of the season thus far was at the exact same time as this conversation. Good news: They won, and Jen didn't miss her son's first varsity start!) In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss: How cultural changes have affected dads and boys What modern dads get right How parents can stimulate boys' communication skills The link between testosterone levels and reading difficulties The problem with early formal education -- and the benefits of delaying school entry How shame harms boys Adrenarche and the "emotional 8s" (Spoiler: there's a biological reason 8 & 9 yr old boys are often easily upset!) How to talk to boys about pornography Why you MUST point out the differences between lovemaking and porn Talking to boys about sexually aggressive girls Setting expectations with your teen (Hint: you have to listen to them too) How Steve's love of children fuels his humanitarian work Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: stevebiddulph.com -- Steve's online home Steve Biddulph's Raising Boys -- Steve's FB community Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- classic BuildingBoys post Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) -- ON BOYS episode 110 21st Century Sex Ed (w Jo Langford) -- ON BOYS episode 128 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook:  Use this Link Linkedin:  Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Are all teenage boys jerks? That's the question we tackle in this episode, albeit with some more colorful language. (Heads up: If you're opposed to the word "asshole," you might want to skip this episode. If you've ever thought to yourself, "When did my kid become such an asshole?!?" you're definitely going to want to listen!) Raising tween & teen boys is hard. That's why so many parents of teens are desperate for information, help & support. And that's why Sue Borison & Stephanie Silverman started Your Teen media. Sue & Steph also co-host the podcast Your Teen with Sue & Steph. "Not only has it been a journey of joy to build something together, but for me, it changed my parenting completely," Sue says. In creating the magazine and talking with other parents, she learned to let go of perfection, to let go of the idea that there's a "right" way to parent teens. Good parents of good kids struggle. The fact that you or your son is struggling is not an indication that you are a terrible or ineffective parent, or that he's bad kid. Of course, that's easier to say than remember in the moment. "I never got great at not catastrophizing," Sue says. "I got really good at recognizing that today didn't have to be perfect, but it doesn't mean I didn't lose sleep at night." Teenage boys, Steph reminds us, have "a hard time getting out of their own way." Like puppies, they are growing and awkward -- mature one minute, immature the next. It's this unpredictability that makes parenting tweens and teens so challenging. Like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. "If I could do it over, I would show more love and kindness," Sue says.  "Most importantly, treasure them & love them." In this episode, Jen, Janet, Sue & Steph discuss: The loneliness & isolation of parenting teens Perfectionism in parenting Why talking about the "hard parts" of parenting is so helpful How teenage boys are like puppies Why you must lower your expectations The social jungle of middle school & high school - & how it affects our kids' emotions & behavior How the #MeToo movement and online porn have affected boys How social media has changed parenting Modern dating Promposals & heightened Homecoming expectations Teen boys' need for physical touch (Hug your boys!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Your Teen magazine -- online home of Your Teen. Features lots of great articles, including some by Jen Your Teen with Sue & Steph -- the Your Teen podcast featuring (you guessed it!) Sue & Steph The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- BuildingBoys post that tackles the "are all 14 yr old boys assholes?" question Have You Hugged Your Teen? The Importance of Parental Affection -- Your Teen article mentioned at 20:38 Getting Asked to Homecoming: A Boy Mom's Advice for Girls -- Your Teen article mentioned at 20:50 Popularity and Bullying: An Interview with Dr. Robert Faris -- Your Teen article mentioned at 13:30 All Boys? -- Jen's blog post about being constantly asked if she's "going to keep trying for a girl" (mentioned at 20:40) LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The secret to parenting success  -- & satisfaction -- is simple: Parent from love, not fear.  Bryan Post So says Bryan Post, founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. Adopted as a child, Post experienced the difficulties that can arise when a child's needs conflict with a parent's experience. His adopted sister was born prematurely due to fetal alcohol syndrome and spent the first months of her life in an incubator, which stunted her emotional development. His well-meaning parents had both been raised in alcoholic families, which caused them to become hyper-responsive. The combination was volatile. Post has devoted his professional life to helping parents understand how stress, fear and trauma play out in the lives of children -- and adults. "Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, overwhelming or unpredictable," Post says. "If it remains unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood, that forms the difference between a short-term stressful experience and a long-term, potentially life-altering traumatic event." A major problem with our society, Post says, "is that we discount everything...we're always discounting experiences because we don't like to think about things that make us uncomfortable." But we --- and our children -- would be better served if we acknowledge and work through experiences, rather than pushing them aside. Unfortunately, parents are prone to blame themselves for their children's struggles. Our brains are wired in such a way that we take personal responsibility for their behavioral challenges, for instance. We perceive their behavior as a threat that must be dealt with immediately. It all happens in an instant. "We've got to slow down and look at own internal reactions," Post says. Blame, shame and guilt plague parents on a daily basis, but the true problem is that we beat ourselves up for feeling these emotions. "Judgement of the feeling becomes the problem," Post says. "When you observe the feeling, the feeling can change. When you judge the feeling, you increase the intensity of it." The best part about love- vs. fear-based parenting is that you don't have to understand and even know the details of your child's trauma. Often, Post says, adoptive parents feel frustrated because they are overwhelmed by their child's behavior and don't even know the details of the child's life pre-adoption. No matter, he says. The parent is likely overwhelmed and frustrated because the "energy of the child triggers something that is already there." Identifying and dealing with that energy (aka unresolved issue) will lead to dramatic improvement in the parents' ability to connect with their child. "We have to realize that parenting, whether biological, adoptive, foster or grandparenting, is more than just raising kids," Post says. "We have to train up the children in the way they should go, but before we can can train up the child, we have to be effective disciples." (The word disciple, by the way, means "to teach.") A stressed out parent will never be able to force behavioral change on a stressed-out child. Instead, both become more stressed. Post challenges parents to jot down 3 things you do that are creating the most stress in your relationship with your child & 3 things you can do to reduce stress. Then, do more of the 3 things that reduce stress & less of the 3 things that increase stress. Your parenting will change, for the better. So will your relationship with your child. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Bryan discuss: The definition of trauma How trauma affects children Why we must be trauma-responsive, not simply trauma-informed How trauma can affect children even before birth Why taking your child's behavior personally leads to damaged relationships Parental guilt Why pausing to ask yourself, "How does that behavior make me feel?" can change your parenting (for the better!) The importance of surrounding yourself with a network of p...Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy