ON BOYS Podcast

Like us, Teacher Tom is concerned about how we raise our boys. "In our culture, we have a society where men are lonely, men have higher suicide rates and men are more prone to violence, and sexual abuse. And I don't think that's in the nature of men. I think it's somehow in the nature of how we're raising men," says Tom Hobson, aka "Teacher Tom," a preschool teacher at Woodland Park Cooperative Schools. "A big piece of it -- and huge piece of it -- is around emotions." The only negative emotion males are allowed in society, he says, is anger. Boys as young as 4 and 5 begin walling off their emotions. "We treat boys and girls differently, and we treat their emotions differently," Tom says. "We need to let them know that whatever they feel, it's OK to feel that." Of course, giving kids time and space to experience their emotions isn't always easy when you're being pulled in a thousand different directions. Whenever possible, though, Tom suggests prioritizing the people who need support with their emotions. Allowing wrestling and roughhousing can also help boys manage their emotions and friendships. "Wrestling can be an act of love between boys," Tom says, noting that many adults (especially women) misunderstand boys' motives and stop what they view as aggression. "It you watch two boys wrestling, most of the time, they are paying such close attention to each other, to one another's bodies and facial expressions. Half the time, they're looking into each other's eyes as they're wrestling, and it is a beautiful thing to see." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tom discuss: Males in early childhood education; The influence of gender expectations on emotional development; Helping boys deal with emotions; Societal changes that have made it difficult for families to thrive; ("We've made parenting unnecessarily difficult," Tom says.) The role of bickering in boys' development; Creating a "yes space" in your house; Boys' friendships; What female teachers & parents misunderstand about boys, wrestling & roughhousing; Agreements vs rules; Why you have to give boys time to respond; Teaching boys consent; Encouraging curiosity, wonder & questioning; Loose parts play Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Having sons forced Tosha Schore to reevaluate everything she knew about boys. Schore, the daughter of a single mom, grew up stepped in the women's movement. As a  child, she attended marches and rallies for women's rights and, in college, she majored in Women's Studies. She was pregnant with her first child and sidelined with a bout of nausea when a startling thought popped into her head: What if I have a boy? The thought was "terrifying," Tosha said, noting that "it never even occurred" to her, before that moment, that she might have a son. After her son was born, Tosha was determined to be a strong advocate for him. And that, she knew, would require some learning. "I realized I was going to have to revisit some of the feminist ideology I was coming from because as much as I believe in it -- and still believe in it -- the ideology that I internalized painted boys and men as the 'other' and 'the bad guy,'" Tosha says. She soon realized that "boys get treated a certain way because of their perceived gender," just a girls do. "it's not fair to ignore that just because males, as they grow, still tend to hold more positions of power," Tosha says, noting that boys struggle in school. "I'm excited that we women have gained ground, but we're losing the boys along the way, and we're losing the men along the way. I think of feminism as bringing some equality to family systems. But that has not been what's happened in recent years. We get to raise boys differently." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tosha discuss: How feminism fuels Tosha's advocacy for boys Male gender expectations and stereotypes Boys' struggles in education Finding balance in family systems Making room for dad Cultural influences on gender expectations and experiences Why your son needs female friends Boys & aggression Raising boys who can feel & express emotions Separating behavior from personality Getting to the root of your fear regarding your son's behavior Listening as a powerful tool for healing Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: toshaschore.com -- Tosha's website Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son! Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges, by Patty Whipfler & Tosha Schore (book mentioned at 27:43)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Steve Biddulph is a legendary parenting educator. He's the author of  The Secrets of Happy Children, Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men, and The New Manhood, among others. His latest book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, isn't about child-rearing, though. It's a simple, working manual for being  human. "I wanted to write something that was a culmination of a lifetime of working with people," Steve says, noting that he also learned a lot while writing the book. He uses the metaphor of a 4-story mansion to explain the human experience: "Most people just live on a couple of floors," he says, "and they might complain about the accommodations. But there might be a really great ground floor that you haven't checked out -- that's your intuitive sense in your body -- and a fantastic roof garden that's open to the sky and stars, and that's our spirituality." Our bodies are intimately connected to our brains, and our bodies, like those of other wild creatures, can sense and respond to all kinds of stimuli. "There's a wild creature that lives inside you," Steve says. "We haven't lost any of the abilities of the eagle or the brown bear or salmon swimming upstream." We need to learn to heed and act on our supersense and intuition. A wise mama who was aware of this connection told her teenage that "sometimes our body sends us messages when our brain and our heart are in a complete spin, and our body knows what is right or wrong for us." Those words helped her teen make a wise choice, and they can help you as you confront the challenges of parenting as well. In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss: What is a human being? The brain and body's ability to take in lots of info & process it -- and how learning to listen to our bodies will help us live fuller lives Our "supersense" Learning to listen to your body The root of self-esteem The power of emotions Why conversations with your kids are so important How wonder, awe & nature help us modulate our emotions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind by Steve Biddulph -- Steve's new book Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's subscription newsletter Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's guide to better conversations w your son!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is future-focused parenting the key to raising adults? Yes, says Deana Thayer and Kira Dorrian, parent coaches and co-hosts of the Raising Adults podcast. "It's not about raising boys; it's about raising men," Kira says. "Who are these men we want our boys to become? How do we want them to walk through the world, and what do we have to be doing right now to foster that?" Future-focused parenting, Deana says, helps parents "make the decision that's best, rather than the one that's easy." It's a thoughtful, deliberate approach to parenting vs the all-too-common reactive approach utilized by many parents. The 3 pillars of future focused parenting are: Parent from a strong "why." Boil your "why" down to a word or short phrase, if you can. (Deana is working to "raise adults who are people of character and integrity." Kira is aiming for "mentally healthy and happy" adults.) Get clear on your family's personal set of values. There's no right or wrong here; every family's list will be different. Aim to identify 5-10 values that will really matter in your home. (Kira's list includes "empathy.") Post the list in a public place and parent toward them. Take a proactive approach. Understanding child development & the milestones ahead helps you prepare. You can also "rehearse" challenging situations to help them develop the skills they'll need to navigate those situations. ("When we give our kids a chance to practice, they are so much more likely to meet our expectations," Kira says.) In this episode, Jen, Janet, Deana & Kira discuss: Leading with your vocabulary (how what you say impacts what you do) Why you might not want to call your son your "little man" Breaking free of harmful family patterns The 3 pillars of future focused parenting Blended families & co-parenting (yes, you can be a future-focused parent, even if your ex isn't) Adapting future-focused parenting to older kids Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Future Focused Parenting -- Deana & Kira's website Raising Adults podcast bit.ly/raisingadults -- link to get the FREE video & 12 months of character building support How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic Building Boys post Putting Your Boys on Their Best Path for Success in Adulthood -- Building Boys post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

School + nature = forest schools Image: Laine Photos and Film "A forest school is holistic education outdoors in nature," says Nicki Farrell, co-founder of Wildings Forest School in Queensland, Australia. Learning doesn't typically follow set curriculum; rather, it's child-led. Education is individualized and play-based and includes plenty of movement. The kids who struggle the most in traditional schools -- wiggly, can't sit still, can't focus -- are often those who thrive in nature. "Children are meant to be experimenting and testing their bodies, learning how far they can push their bodies," Nicki says. "They can't do that, frankly, without free play." Unfortunately, ours is a risk-adverse culture. Many children spend 95% of their time supervised, and adults often quash kids' initiative. "There's too many adults in our cultures now that say, 'be careful, don't do that, that's too risky, stop that' because they are putting their own concerns on the risky play, rather than letting a child experiment," Nicki says. And that can negatively impact child development. "We know that boys, in particular, that self-worth is what brings out self-confidence, and they're constantly seeking self-worth -- and that can be in minute tasks," Nicki says. "But those really basic life skills, if you've got those -- if you know how to light a fire and you know how to build shelter and find water -- then they know they can survive anywhere, and that is a deep, deep sense of self-worth." In this episode, Janet & Nicki discuss: What is a forest school? Why & how kids of all ages can benefit from this approach to education The value of risk Building self-worth & self-confidence via survival skills confidence How having her own boys caused Nicki to question everything she knew about education The benefits of forest school for kids with ADHD, autism and sensory disorders Why behavior issues at forest school are almost non-existent (Hint: it has NOTHING to do with self-selection!) The history of forest schools Getting comfortable in nature if you don't have much nature experience Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wildings Forest School Richard Louv on Animals, Nature & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Camping with Kids -- classic BuildingBoys blog post FREE Breakthrough Session w Janet -- parenting help!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Males represent 25-40% of individuals with eating disorders. That’s not something people tell us when our boys are babies, and it’s not something most pediatricians mention at well-child checks -- despite the fact that males are at a higher risk of dying from an eating disorder than females. "We have this notion that only a certain type of a person gets an eating disorder," says Oona Hanson, a parent coach and Family Mentor at Equip, an eating disorder program. But that's simply not true. People of all ages, races, backgrounds and genders can develop disordered eating or exercise habits. Unfortunately, because anorexia and bulimia have been stereotypes as "white girl diseases," boys who develop an eating disorder "are even less likely to speak up about it," Oona says. Like girls and women, boys and men face a lot of pressure to look a certain way. They are assaulted daily with images and messaging which implies that "real guys" are buff, strong, lean and muscular. Some turn to supplements, excessive exercise and disordered eating in an attempt to reshape their body. Symptoms of an eating disorder may include: Turning away once-favorite foods Obsessively reading food labels Attempts to manipulate body size, weight or muscle mass via food restriction or obsessive exercise "Sneaky" eating or eating in secret If you see possible signs of an eating disorder, "get curious," Oona says. Talk to your son about what you see. Listen to his answers. If needed, reach out to his pediatrician, family doctor or an eating disorders professional. Oona Hanson, Family Mentor with Equip eating disorder program In this episode, Jen & Oona discuss: Diet culture Boys & body image Weight stigma & anti-fat bias Helping boys decipher information about nutrition, diets and supplements How building boys' media literacy can improve their health as well Bigorexia What to do if you think your son might have an eating disorder How parents can unwittingly set their kids up for unhealthy eating habits - & what to do instead Boys' appetite & body development during puberty How ADHD meds interfere with hunger cues and eating Intuitive eating Why you should not restrict your son's access to Halloween candy Finding a healthcare provider who can help your son Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: OonaHanson.com -- Oona's website Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode Teen Boys Eat A Lot - classic Building Boys post Male Eating Disorders are Often Underdiagnosed - and Dangerous -- Tulsa Kids article Need Help? Check out these sites: National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (MEDA) National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Can you prevent addiction? Or alcoholism?  After all, no one dreams of taking their son to rehab. Or arguing with him, repeatedly, about his use of pot, alcohol or meth. When our babies are little, we tell ourselves that if we do everything right, our sons can avoid alcoholism and addiction. But that’s simply not true.  24% of 8th graders have had at least 1 drink by 8th grade. -- and about 50% of those drink heavily. Boys may be particularly at risk: according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, children who struggle in school when they are between ages 7-9 are more likely to be using addictive substances by age 14 or 15.   Genetics account for approximately 50-60% of an individual's risk of developing a substance use disorder. But no matter your sons' genetic legacy, the positive parenting strategies you use to help your son thrive can also protect him from substance use disorder. "Genetics is not destiny," says Jessica Lahey, author of The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence . "What I want people to understand is that if we know the risks, and are really clear-eyed about the risks, we can more specifically target our prevention." Inoculation theory, Jessica says, tells us that teaching our kids, empowering them, and building their self-efficacy skills can effectively decrease their chances of succumbing to peer pressure -- especially if we also teach them "scripts" they can use to gracefully decline substances. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jessica discuss: Risk for factors of addiction and substance use disorders Balancing a child's risk of developing substance use disorder with protective factor The role of silence and dishonestly is perpetuating substance use disorders How (or IF) to talk about your use drug or substance use The link between trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and addiction How to talk about substance use with kids of all ages Helping your child resist peer pressure & say no Explaining the difference between adult alcohol and substance use and child/adolescent use How teens weigh risk (Spoiler: they weigh the possible positive consequences of substance use more heavily than the possible negative consequences) How puberty, drugs, & alcohol affect kids' brain chemistry Why saying "yes" to novel or risky activities may decrease the chances of your boys using substances Should you let kids drink with the family? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, by Jessica Lahey The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Can Learn to Let Go So Their Children Success -- Jessica's 2016 New York Times best-selling book jessicaleahy.com -- Jessica's website; includes links to to her upcoming (virtual) speaking gigs CDC info on ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) -- discussed at 9:40 The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris (mentioned at 10:40) To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 12:35) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 18:23)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Does your son have a problem with executive function? Let's put it another way.... Does he struggle with homework, procrastination, time management, or lack of motivation? Does he have ADHD? If so, he probably needs help developing his executive functioning. “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing - and one thing only - and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION," says Seth Perler, a former struggling student who now helps others as an executive function, ADHD, and 2e coach.  Boys who have executive function challenges typically struggle in two areas: Schoolwork and responsibilities, Seth says. And parents who are distressed at their sons' lack of achievement aren't necessarily helicopter parents. Intuitively, parents realize that if boys can't figure out how to get stuff done, their future options dwindle. But simply nagging these boys won't help. In fact, nagging often makes things worse. "You have to understand the experience these boys are having," Seth says. "They've been asked to do these things so many time and they've failed or it's been 'not good enough;' they've been told to re-do it, or 'you didn't put your name on it'' or 'it's late so you're getting a zero' so many times." Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for these challenges. But you CAN build your son's skills. Pay attention to these 3 things: Systems. Children with executive function problems need direct instruction to develop a system of planning, of organization, a homework system, etc. Mindset. You can help your son move past his resistance mindset and help him develop a "can do" attitude. Habits and routines. After you've helped your son develop systems and adjust his mindset, you can help him establish systems and routines to get stuff done. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don't struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren't effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) "catch up" When (& how) to reach out to your son's teacher How to deal with resistance Why it's OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com -- Seth's website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys - ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck -- TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function -- Seth's video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10 The Executive Function Online Summit -- summit mentioned  at 39:19 (scheduled for Aug. 20-22, 2021)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How DO you homeschool boys? Trying to recreate school-at-home doesn’t work for most boys -- as so many families found out during the pandemic. And placing your life and career on hold while you educate your kids isn't exactly practical either.  Linsey Knerl, a freelance writer and mother of six (including 5 boys!), says it's possible to homeschool boys without losing your mind or your career.  "The secret is to not pretend that you aren't still doing life while you're homeschooling. Embrace the fact that letting your messy life be part of the education actually helps equip your child to be a more healthy, productive, and functional adult," says Linsey, author of the recently-released book Homeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kids a Great Education Without Losing Your Job or Your Mind. If you're just getting started homeschooling, Lindsey recommends starting with one subject -- and it doesn't even have to be an academic one, like Math or Science or Reading. To start, you can simply dive into one of your son's interests. Honesty is crucial to successful homeschooling, Linsey says. "You have to be really honest. You have to look at your flaws and see what's not working and look at your children and see what they need help with," she says. That kind of introspection and self-reflection can be overwhelming, but also so beneficial for our boys and families. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lindsey discuss: The secret to happy homeschooling How homeschooling builds family bonds Discovering (and developing) your son's strengths The socialization question Homeschooling in a small house Getting started homeschooling De-schooling Dealing with fears of falling behind Helping boys learn to read A "typical" homeschool day Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Homeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kids a Great Education Without Losing Your Job (or Your Mind) -- Lindsey's book Overwhelmed by Homeschooling? I Was Too -- Building Boys blog post Homeschooling Boys -- Building Boys blog post How to Work from Home & Homeschool -- 2012 interview w Jen (back when she was a single parent homeschooling boys!) Novel Education for Boys - ON BOYS podcastAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What would happen if we based our education for boys on their interests?  The idea of crafting an education around a student's interests is a bit novel in today's world of standardized curriculum and tests. But the concept is sound. As parents (and educators) know, trying to force a child to learn something they don't find interesting or useful is an exercise in futility and frustration -- and trying to keep a child from doing something they're determined to do is equally frustrating. Some schools, in fact, have introduced personalized learning and Genius Hour  because educational leaders have recognized that students learn best when they're allowed to follow their own interests. "The number one problem with education for boys continues to be intrinsic motivation," says Tiffany Soyra, founder of the Novel Education Group (and the "personal educator" of Kylie and Kendall Jenner). Most students simply aren't motivated to learn what schools, teachers and parents think they should learn. So, Tiffany recommends supporting student's interests. A boy who's rebuilding an engine or tinkering with a snowmobile shouldn't be told, "put away that snowmobile and come inside and do 3 more hours of schoolwork," she says, as doing so will only discourage his passion and fuel his hatred for school, education and learning. Instead, parents (and educators) should embrace boys' interests. "Education and passion are one and the same," Tiffany says, and giving students more control over what they're learning can pay dividends. In practice, you may need to loosen up your academic expectations and broaden your definition of "learning.". If your son is consistently getting low scores on tests at school because he has text anxiety, and the school refuses to consider alternative methods for him to demonstrate his learning -- and you don't have the resources or ability to choose another school -- stop stressing about your son's test scores. Don't tell him to put aside his interests and buckle down with the books; instead, support his extracurricular interests. "Whatever activities he's doing outside of school will likely matter much more to his future than his test scores," Tiffany says. "Five years from now, that test won't matter," Janet agrees. "What matters is how he feels about himself, how he feels about the system that told him, 'you're not good enough; you're not capable.'" Positive reinforcement can counter many of the negative messages boys receive in school. "Continue to put the focus on the things they're doing right," Tiffany advises. And guess what? Colleges (even elite colleges) care more about kids' extracurricular activities, interests and passions than their GPA. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tiffany discuss: How interests and passions can fuel learning and education for boys Distance learning & homeschooling Out-of-the-box educational options for kids who don't fit the traditional school system Using video games for learning & coping How anxiety can interfere with school Advocating for your son's educational needs Developmentally appropriate (and inappropriate) education expectations Why you should let your son take snow days (even the school plans to hold school virtually) What to do about boys who are "behind" Why it's time to stop stressing about your son's GPA How to identify your son's interests Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Novel Education Group -- Tiffany's business Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering -- BuildingBoys blog post Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time -- BuildingBoys blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy