ON BOYS Podcast

Kids “haven’t changed at all” during the 20+ years Teacher Tom has been working with young children, he says.Parents have, though. And so has society. There’s an increased concern for safety and academic performance, and a lot of anxiety about kids’ futures. “I think there’s more fear, and more fear of their children falling behind,” Tom says.Adult stress and anxiety appears to be trickling down to even the youngest children, as today’s preschoolers are more anxious and stressed than previous generations. But kids’ needs remain the same.“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” Tom says.“Parenting” is Relatively NewBefore the early 1960s, the word “parenting” was rarely used, especially in scholarly articles, literature, or books. The word parent denoted a relationship between people; today, parent is often used a verb. “Parenting” is something we do to other people — and we can judge the quality of parenting, we think, by its outcome.But that’s not how relationships work. Our children are individual humans. We can’t control them; we can cultivate their growth by creating (and maintaining) nurturing environments for them.Nurturing Kids’ Mental HealthThe first five years of a child’s life “shouldn’t be about learning your phoncis. They shouldn’t be about how to do math. They should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-goverance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Tom discuss:Play-based learningCreating space & making time for kids’ learningHow adults unintentionally interfere with kids’ emotional developmentThe emotional arcExploring genderSocial learningLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teacher Tom — Tom’s blogTeacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking eventsTeacher Tom’s Facebook pageTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodeThe Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher TomThe Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys postWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys postSapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher TomSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.Parental Accommodation CycleUnfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”Breaking the Parental Accommodation CycleYou can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive functionRecommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHDParental accommodationAccommodation vs. supportYoung adults’ “failure to launch”Scaffolding new skillsBreaking the parental accommodation cycleLearning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfortEnlisting to support to develop your child’s skillsConstructive vs. destructive shameLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD workADHD Dude YouTube channelADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episodeTeaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring RyanConstant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episodeHelping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episodeNurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by RyanSponsor Spotlight: StokkeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Whole child sports emphasizes wholesome, safe, and developmentally appropriate athletic experiences for kids. It is the antithesis of the toxic, highly competitive youth sports culture that’s unfortunately become the norm here in the United States.Scott Lancaster, a sports performance coach who worked with the NFL; Luis Fernando Llosa, an investigative reporter who’s worked with Sports Illustrated; and Kim John Payne, founder of Simplicity Parenting, started Whole Child Sports in 2011 to offer parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness. The three men — all fathers — were distressed by what they saw happening in youth sports: an increased focus on competition (even at young ages), developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, and young athletes who burned out before graduating high school.At their worst, youth sports can be fatal.A Healthy Approach to Youth SportsIn current youth sport culture, the emphasis is on winning, rather than the development of the athlete and team. That focus tends to overlook mental health and individual variations and is damaging to kids and society.“Command-oriented coaching” — the common approach to youth sports — “kills flexibility and self-development and retards creativity and the development of resilience,” Lancaster says. “Ultimately, one of the worst things you can do to a kid developmentally is force them to play a sport like an adult professional athlete does.”A much better, safer, healthier approach to sport is one that allows children to gradually develop skills through play. “Don’t funnel your kid into organized sport at an early age,” Llosa says. “It will curtail their creativity, damage their potential resilience, hamper them in developing social skills, and perhaps create entitlement monsters.”It’s not easy to push back against the dominant sports culture, but doing so can preserve your child’s physical and mental health — and, ultimately, his athletic ability. You can start at home, or at local park.“You are your child’s first coach,” Lancaster says. “You’re the steward of your child’s athletic development and you’re responsible for choosing the appropriate coach, one who is dedicated to helping kids grow and learn.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, Luis Fernando, & Scott discuss:Role of sports in boys’ livesHarms of current youth sports cultureChoosing the right sport for your childHow sports can help boys develop empathyWhat actions sports gets right (and team sports often get wrong)Value of multiple sports vs. sports specializationDevelopmentally appropriate sports educationLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:WholeChildSports.com – includes a Parent/Coach Toolkit with lots of great free resources (such as Choosing a Coach: A Parent’s Checklist)Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment, by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa, & Scott LancasterSimplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne — ON BOYS episodeLinda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episodeHealthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episodeSins of the Father — Sports Illustrated story by LlosaEmotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion, by Kim John Payne & Luis Fernando LlosaSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy Makeup Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.Emphasizing the Importance of Dads“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).Advocating for Boys & MenDespite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:How fatherlessness affects boysHelps moms accept boys’ need to experience riskThe importance of male connection and mentorship for boysProtective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absenceThe Men & Boys CoalitionIncreasing boys’ emotional intelligenceLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:LadsNeedDads.orgTips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys postHere’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by JenMen & Boys CoalitionDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”Why Teen Boys Retrict EmotionTeen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”Helping Boys Express EmotionA boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.Getting Teen Boys to TalkAccording to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:Teen boys’ emotionFactors that affect boys’ emotional expressionHelping boys open upEmotional safe havensNormalizing emotionsHelping boys understand angerHolding boys responsibleWhat teen boys think about Andrew TateTalking about controversial topicsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:remasculine.com — Brendan’s websiteRe: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinityHold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by BrendanWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. “I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)Modeling Emotional HonestyDamon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & SexDamon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.Helping Boys Understand IndependenceBoys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:How our family experiences affect our parentingCultural & societal expectations of dadsEmotional honestyGenerational growthScreentime, technology, & intimacyTeaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independenceLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:damonbrown.net — Damon’s websitePorn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon BrownDads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by DamonWhy You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV showSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you support sibling relationships and build brother-sister bonds? Or connect with a tween son?Photo by Beatnik Photos via FlickrThose are just a few of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in 2023’s first listener Q & A.Matthew says:We have 3 boys (15, 17, & 19) and 3 girls (2, 9, & 13)…our boys are incredibly close, practically best friends, and our girls are similar. What can we do to bring the groups closer together? We have tried divide and conquer (mixing who runs errands with us and such), game nights, movie nights, outings…The girls are always more receptive, but the boys act like they’ve been plague-ridden to have to tolerate their sisters for more than a mealtime…Cheslea asks:What suggestions do you have for common interests with your boys? It feels like we have almost nothing in common…Britney wonders:Is it normal for the teen boy to push moms away during this time and cling to dads? while another Britney and Susan ask: Why is he such a butt head? Why do they know everything at the age of 16?!Karon asks:What steps should I take to monitor my 13-year-old’s online gaming?..I’d love tips/advice on keeping his gaming time in check.Kate wants to know:How can a 7 yr old have so much anger and attitude?Our answers to their questions might give you some insight into your own parenting challenges.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Supporting sibling relationshipsBuilding brother-sister bondsHow time solves many parenting problemsConnecting w a tween son (whose interests differ from yours)Mother/son (and father/son) relationships during adolescenceSelf-care during your son’s teen yearsMonitoring online gamingBoys & angerTeen boysThe importance of connection, community, and mentors for parents of boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting, & More — ON BOYS episodeWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episodeVideo Game Addiction — ON BOYS episodeAnger & Boys — ON BOYS episodeThe Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — BuildingBoys’ most popular postMoms Need Mentors Too — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Boys Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Simplicity parenting, in many ways, is the antithesis of modern parenting. Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment, while most modern families rush from one activity to the next and live with crammed-full schedules in an information-soaked environment.Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, was an undergrad psychology student when he first noticed striking similarities in the behavior of PTSD-affected soldiers, teenagers who grew up in abusive homes, and children who lived in warzones. “They were nervous, jumpy, hyperactive, and overstretched,” Payne says. Their nervous systems were hyperactive and hyper-attuned to the environment.In a few years, Payne began noticing similar behavior in children all over and surmised that there must be an “undeclared war on childhood,” as the kids exhibited all the signs of living in a war zone. But there were no battle lines, fronts, or bomb craters. Instead, these kids (and their families) lived quite ordinary lives. However, by that time, “overwhelmed family life had become the new normal.” And that new normal was not at all kid-friendly.“It became more and more obvious that children, and especially boys, were living in a child-hostile environment,” he says. As a result, kids’ nervous systems were “out of whack” and many kids were (and are) in a near-constant state of fight-flight-freeze-or-flock. Kids (and boys especially) often reacted “as if their lives depended on it,” when they were asked to do something as simple as putting a coat on.Simplicity is the Antidote to OverwhelmThe antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity.He advises parents to “dial back” and simplify their lives, and the results have been remarkable.“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, ‘I feel like I’ve gotten my boy back.'” Payne says. Many parents also notice that their boys are back to their “quirky selves.”It’s not easy, however, to push back against the status quo. “The difficulty comes when we look around our neighborhoods,” Payne says. “There are so many parents that have normalized what is not normal for a child’s nervous system.” But deliberately simplifying your lives — cutting out extraneous extracurricular activities, limiting screen time and info exposure, and prioritizing play, family, and connections, can pay dividends.“If we’ve built in time and balance in a boy’s life, and slowly built in time in nature, time with family, time with friends, that morphs into a strong inner loci” for the boy, Payne says. “As young men, they are much stronger and defined in who they are.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kim discuss:The genesis of the simplicity parenting movementWhy simplifying family life can improve boys’ behaviorThe link between “quirks,” disordered behaviors, and giftsHow (& why) dialing back stress helps reveal boys’ giftsBalancing you family’s scheduleWhy delayed gratification and anticipation are good for kidsIncreasing boys’ connection to natureThe importance of playHelping kids connect to “their own true north”How simplifying family life will prepare your son for jobs of the futureBenefits of simplicity parenting for parentsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:SimplicityParenting.com — Kim’s website (includes links to the Simplicity Starter Kit, his podcast, and more)Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John PayneVideo Game Addiction — ON BOYS episodeRichard Louv on Animals, Nature, and Boys — ON BOYS episodeFinding Ecohappiness –ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare, says Mary Van Geffen, a popular Instagrammer and parent coach for Spicy Ones.Spicy kids “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda,” Mary says. They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent. (Though often more attuned to their own emotions than others’.) It “can take a lot of energy to be with this child,” Mary notes.Spicy boys are often world-changers. Their tendency toward change, questioning, experimentation, and new ideas can be challenging for parents who want their boys to follow directions and obey.Calming your nervous system can help you effectively parent (and live with!) spicy boys. Taking regular “pause moments” is one way you can metaphorically “shut down all the tabs” in your brain, Mary says. Modeling meditation and pauses is also a powerful way to teach your boys how to manage their nervous systems.Setting Boundaries & ExpectationsParents of spicy boys should also get clear about their own boundaries and expectations. Before going to the grocery store together, for instance, “decide what are your non-negotiables,” she says, and share that with your kids. “You have to decide what’s okay with you because I think a lot of the ‘feeling judged’ parents feel actually occurs when you’re judging yourself: Oh, a good mom would…”You will need to clearly communicate your expectations to others who spend time with your kids, too. Communicate compassionately, especially when talking with parents and grandparents who may not understand the modern emphasis on consent and body boundaries, for instance. Set boundaries as needed, and remind yourself that good boundaries need reminders and reinforcements. “Don’t think for a minute that someone’s poor reaction to your boundary doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good boundary to set,” Mary says. “In some ways, it’s actually a validation. When someone gives you a very hard time for setting a boundary, it shows you that this a relationship that needs boundaries.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:Characteristics of a Spicy OneWhy shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boysHow your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your childParenting when you are spicy or highly sensitiveA sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous systemHow changing your voice can help you reach your kidsSetting boundaries & managing others’ expectationsGrocery shopping with boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s websitehttps://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on InstagramHighly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episodeHighly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episodeSensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episodeBrain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episodePositive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our February 10 conversation with Dr. Mona Delahooke about her new book, Brain-Body Parenting:How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2022.And no wonder: The Center for Childhood Development calls the book a “game-changer,” and Berkely’s Greater Good Magazine lists it #2 on its Favorite Parenting Books of 2022 list. Jen & Janet’s copies are both dog-eared & marked up because it’s packed with information and easy-to-implement strategies that can change your parenting for the better.It’s an episode you can listen to again and again because you’ll likely hear and implement different things each time. (At the very least, you’ll feel inspired and supported!) It’s a clear 2022 favorite: Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke was downloaded more than 13,000 times in 2022.Some highlights:It’s time to “move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world,” says Dr. Delahooke.and“You are witnessing the power of human resilience.”In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss:What is brain-body parenting?The link between the nervous system and behaviorGreen, red, and blue zones — an easy way to recognize a person’s current level of functioningChecks-ins vs. time-outsGetting curious about kids’ behaviorsBody budgetsParental self-careThe challenge zoneExpectation gapsCo-regulationParallels between toddlerhood & adolescenceHow unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in schoolNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy