Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children

Welcome to this week’s show, where I’m so excited to be talking, bringing back to the show my friend, colleague, and my most trusted mentor when it comes to all things kids and tech and screens, Dr. Devorah Heitner.Today, we’re going to be talking about such a pressing consideration for anyone raising a kid these days — what it means for today’s generation of kids to grow up with very public lives and coming of age in a digital world where so many aspects of their lives are online and available for public consumption, not to mention that much of their important work of identity formation is being shaped by the media and technology they interact with.Devorah gets into all of this in her brand new and essential book for any parent, Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World. For this conversation, I asked Devorah to talk us through what I see as some of the more pressing issues for parents like us, including how to balance a child’s right to privacy in their texts and online lives with valid concerns about online influences and engagement when that child is dealing with anxiety, depression or other mental health disorder, the impact of social media on kids who may already be struggling to fit in and find their people, and how many homework and grading apps used by schools may actually be undermining our kids development of executive function skills and creating additional stress for parents. About my guestDr. Devorah Heitner is the author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and CNN Opinion. She has a Ph.D. in Media/Technology & Society from Northwestern University and has taught at DePaul and Northwestern. You can follow her on Substack at Devorah Heitner dot Substack dot com and on Instagram @devorahheitnerphd. Things you'll learn How to navigate the transition from being highly involved in a children’s tech life to respecting their privacy Why violating our kids’ trust by reading their texts will drive them further apart from us What to track or monitor when your child is dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health disorders How engaging in social media may impact kids who are struggling to fit in and find their people Why social media can act as an intensifier for whatever kids are experiencing and how it causes a dip in self-esteem What sharenting is and how to navigate permissions, cleaning up past shares, and more Why apps like ClassDojo are particularly challenging for families with differently-wired students How grading apps often work against differently wired students  Resources mentioned Devorah Heitner’s website Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World by Dr. Devorah Heitner Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in Their Digital World by Dr. Devorah Heitner Deborah Heitner’s Substack: Mentoring Kids in a Connected World Phonewise Boot Camp The Big Tech Reset Masterclass with Devorah Heitner (Tilt Parenting-partnered event) Devorah’s TEDx Talk, The Challenges of Raising a Digital Native At Your Wit’s End with a Screen-Obsessed Kid? Read This (Devorah Heitner’s house visit on NPR Lifekit) Devorah on Twitter Devorah on Instagram Dr. Devorah Heitner on Online Safety, Internet “Rabbit Holes,” and Differently Wired Kids (Tilt Parenting Podcast) Dr. Devorah Heitner on the Pros & Cons of “Managing” Our Kids’ Screen Time (Tilt Parenting Podcast) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A follow-up conversation with Debbie's husband Derin in which he shares how he got unstuck in his thinking about Asher, as well as how the two of them fostered a close bond of mutual love and understanding. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Debbie and her husband Derin have an honest, open, and vulnerable conversation about their (up and down) journey as a couple navigating parenting a differently-wired child. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dr. Lori Desautels is coming back to the show to talk about her new book Intentional Neuroplasticity: Our Educational Journey Towards Post Traumatic Growth, which stems from her passion of applying the social and relational neurosciences to education and integrating her applied research into classroom procedures and transitions prepping the nervous system for learning and felt safety. An Assistant Professor at Butler University, K-12 educator, and researcher, Lori joined me on the podcast last year to talk about her book Connections over Compliance: Rewiring our Perceptions of Discipline, and that conversation has really just stayed with me, so I loved having this opportunity to go deep with her about intentional neuroplasticity. In this conversation, we discussed some of the research about neuroplasticity not only in kids but in adults, and how we can use it and what we know about the nervous system to help us co-regulate at home and at school and truly meet our children where they are.  Dr. Lori Desautels, has been an Assistant Professor at Butler University since 2016 where she teaches both undergraduate and graduate programs in the College of Education. Her passion is engaging her students through the social and relational neurosciences as it applies to education by integrating the Applied Educational Neuroscience framework, and its learning principles and practices into her coursework at Butler. The Applied Educational Neuroscience Certification, created by Lori in 2016, is specifically designed to meet the needs of educators, counselors, clinicians and administrators who work beside children and adolescents who have, and are, experiencing adversity and trauma. The certification is now global and has reached hundreds of educators.  Things you'll learn from this episode What this school year has shown us about the impact COVID has had on students and educators What the research says about neuroplasticity in adults and how we can use it in co-regulating with children and students What “building a nest” for our kids means, and and why it’s the best place to start when tending to our kids nervous systems How Lori’s approach has been received by educators What’s possible in classrooms when teachers apply Lori’s methodology to nervous system management  Resources mentioned Revelations in Education, Dr. Lori Desautel’s website Intentional Neuroplasticity: Our Educational Journey Towards Post Traumatic Growth by Dr. Lori Desautels Connections Over Compliance: Rewiring Our Perceptions of Discipline by Dr. Lori Desautels Eyes Are Never Quiet: Listening Beneath the Behaviors of Our Most Troubled Students by Dr. Lori Desautels Resources from Revelations Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm sitting down with sexuality educator and parenting expert Amy Lang for a very frank and open conversation* about sex ed for children—what they need to know, when they need to know it, how to talk about it, and much much more. Amy is passionate about the fact that at its core, sex education is a health and safety issue for our kids. She explains why as our children’s parents and caregivers, it is up to us to initiate and continue to have conversations surrounding sexuality.Amy Lang is committed to changing and challenging cultural beliefs about children and sexuality. She does this by teaching adults the best and most effective ways to talk, learn, and think about the birds and bees, and provides research-based, high quality keynotes, workshops, webinars, books, and other tools so adults can be true champions for the kids they care for and love. Her website is Birds + Bees + Kids.  THINGS YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE: When parents should have “the talk” about sex (and why the “child-focused” approach of waiting until they ask is wrong) The importance of parents reflecting on their own relationship with sex education before talking with their kids What children should know by what age How to talk to kids who are reluctant to engage in any conversation having to do with sex Why differently-wired kids are especially vulnerable / need additional sex education than typically developing kids  RESOURCES MENTIONED: Birds + Bees + Kids (Amy’s website) Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Know to Date, Relate, or Wait by Amy Lang Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, and Relationships by Amy Lang It’s Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families, and Friends by Robie Harris It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie Harris Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My guests today are on a mission to show parents that there are different ways of approaching autism beyond what they’re told in doctors or therapists offices. Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards, co-authors of the book I Will Die on This Hill: Autistic Adults, Autism Parents, and the Children Who Deserve a Better World, are making it really clear that there is no one size fits all for any families and that there is so much to learn from just listening more. Meghan Ashburn is a continuous learner, educational consultant, parent mentor, and co-author of I Will Die On This Hill. She's passionate about helping schools create more inclusive, accessible environments. Her online book club has over 10K members, and releases book recommendation lists on autism and neurodiversity. Meghan advocates for communication rights and inclusion at the local, state, and national level. She sits on her school district's Special Education Advisory Committee (SEAC) and is a recent graduate of Virginia's Partners in Policymaking.Jules Edwards is a neurodivergent Anishinaabe writer, gardener, accountant, and disability justice advocate. She is the parent of neurodivergent Afro Indigenous people, and care provider to many neurodivergent children throughout the years. Jules is passionate about building community and works to improve child safety and disability policy.Current roles include: care work of disabled youth, co-founder of Minnesota Autistic Alliance, board member for the Minnesota Ombudsman for American Indian Families, board member of The Arc Minnesota. She serves as the elected chairperson of the Minnesota Autism Council, a workgroup of the Senate Human Services Reform Finance and Policy Committee.Things you'll learn from this episode What disability justice is Ways that allistic and autistic parents raising autistic children can work together toward our common goals for our kids The harms of a continual pursuit for “normal” in ways that don’t respect or embrace our kids’ neurodivergence Why self-determination should be the goal over “independence” Ways that allistic parents may be perpetuating ableism without realizing it What an “autism moon” is and why ideal for families who are navigating a new diagnosis of autism  Resources mentioned Meghan Ashburn’s website Not an Autism Mom Meghan Ashburn’s Au-Some Book Club I Will Die on This Hill: Autistic Adults, Autism Parents, and the Children Who Deserve a Better World by Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a 13-Year-Old Boy with Autism by Naoki Higashida Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week is a continuation of last week’s episode with executive functioning coach Seth Perler, which was so packed full of information (and also so long) that I had to break it up into two separate episodes, which I’m now referring to as a “masterclass” in executive functioning. In last week’s episode, Seth shared his protocol for setting up a child for success in their developing executive functioning skills. In today’s episode, Seth is going to get into the nitty gritty about specific strategies he uses to address different executive functioning challenges that show up in school and in life. Seth Perler is a renegade teacher turned Executive Function Coach/Education Coach who is based in Santa Monica, CA and Boulder, CO. He helps struggling students navigate a crazy educational landscape and does his part to “disrupt” and improve education. Seth specializes in Executive Function and 2e. Find out more at sethperler.com.THINGS YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE: What “Frankenstudy” is, and how to know where to focus your energies so you can create a “domino effect” with your child’s fledgling executive functioning skills How to best use “learning planners” to learn how to think / talk through their plan (and what we’re doing wrong) The benefits of monthly planners versus daily or weekly planners Helping kids identify the “MIT” – most important thing – each day The importance of creating a sacred study space for a child How to optimize an internet browser to make it easy with bookmark bars (and have tabs automatically open, including calendar, grade tab, email) Why it’s important to get kids to start checking grades weekly (Seth recommends Sunday nights) The importance of helping a child create clearly identified routines (for leaving house, doing daily plan, doing homework, etc.) How getting visual with kids benefits them in developing their executive functioning skills Why separate digital timers need to be a part of a child’s life so they can learn to calibrate time, as well as get started and do short bursts of work Creating a weekly overhaul of systems The important of kids “getting into the mode” for studying, etc: organize their space, make their plan, and executive  RESOURCES MENTIONED: Seth Perler’s website and blog A “Masterclass” in Executive Functioning with Seth Perler, Part 1 (podcast episode) A Conversation with Executive Functioning Coach Seth Perler (original podcast episode) Seth’s Executive Functioning Assessment Seth Perler’s YouTube Channel Support the showConnect with Tilt Parenting Visit Tilt Parenting Take the free 7-Day Challenge Read a chapter of Differently Wired Follow Tilt on Twitter & Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today I’m welcoming back Dayna Abraham to the show to discuss her latest book, Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Road Map for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. I really resonate with Dayna’s work because we both are committed to empowering families, especially those who are deep in survival mode, and in her new book, she shares the framework for her signature “calm the chaos” framework which is designed to give parents a doable plan for navigating challenging situations and finding genuine calm in the midst of the storm. In our conversation today, Dayan gives us the highlights of this framework and gives us some strategies to start employing right away.I’m betting most of you are familiar with Dayna Abraham, but just in case, here’s a bit about her. Dayna is the bestselling author of The Superkids Activity Guide to Conquering Every Day and Sensory Processing 101. She is on a mission to create a more accepting world, one challenging kid at a time. As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world. Through Calm the Chaos, she has helped millions of desperate parents around the world find peace and meet their children where they’re at when conventional parenting tools have failed them.About Dayna AbrahamDayna Abraham, bestselling author of The Superkids Activity Guide to Conquering Every Day and Sensory Processing 101, is on a mission to create a more accepting world, one challenging kid at a time.As a National Board Certified educator, parent of three neurodivergent children, and an ADHD adult herself, Dayna brings a unique and out-of-the-box perspective to parents raising kids in the modern world.Through her compassionate framework, Calm the Chaos, she has helped millions of desperate parents around the world, find peace and meet their children where they’re at when conventional parenting tools have failed them. Things you'll learn from this episode What the five stages of Dayna’s Calm the Chaos framework are and how they work together Why every stage of the framework includes these four elements: You, Connect, Understand and Empower What emotional anchors are and how they can help parents regulate themselves Why getting back to emotional safety and nervous system regulation is so important and what it looks like in action Ideas for finding calm in the midst of challenging situations  Resources mentioned for: Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Road Map for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids by Dayna Abraham Calm the Chaos Podcast Lemon Lime Adventures Calm the Chaos on Facebook Calm the Chaos on Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, I’m bringing back a previous guest, executive functioning coach Seth Perler, for a two-part series in which Seth shares with us the exact approach he uses with students he works with when helping them foster their fledgling executive functioning skills. I first had Seth on the show last fall, where he gave us an introduction to executive functioning, but we didn’t get to the more practical strategies that I know so many of us are looking for. So I asked Seth to come back on, and that conversation turned into an hour-and-a-half long sharing by Seth of truly valuable tips and strategies and insights. Because Seth shares so very much over the course of these ninety or so minutes, I wanted to split our conversation into two parts. So this episode is part one of what I’m now referring to as a “Masterclass in Executive Functioning.” In this episode, Seth shares with us his protocol for setting up a child for success in their developing executive functioning skills. In part 2 next week, Seth will go in-depth into his specific strategies surrounding building these skills in school and in life. Seth Perler is a renegade teacher turned Executive Function Coach/Education Coach who is based in Santa Monica, CA and Boulder, CO. He helps struggling students navigate a crazy educational landscape and does his part to “disrupt” and improve education. Seth specializes in Executive Function and 2e. Find out more at sethperler.com.THINGS YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE: Seth’s definition of executive functioning framed so it helps people apply the principles to help kids A step-by-step breakdown of exactly how Seth works with families Why our relationship with our child is the number one thing to be preserved when doing this work The importance of parents doing their own personal work / self-care during this process Why kids “can’t do what we’re asking them to do because they can’t, not because they won’t,” so we need to back up and scaffold from where they’re at The role of mindfulness, mindset, and motivation Why symptoms are more important than labels Why it’s critical to understand the role of emotional regulation in executive functioning How we as parents can co-regulate our emotions with our child Why we want to focus on 3 positives for every 1 negative  RESOURCES MENTIONED: Seth Perler’s website A Conversation with Executive Functioning Coach Seth Perler (original podcast episode) Seth’s Executive Functioning Assessment Dr. Gail Saltz Talks About the Power of Different (podcast episode) Carol Dweck and Mindset Support the showConnect with Tilt Parenting Visit Tilt Parenting Take the free 7-Day Challenge Read a chapter of Differently Wired Follow Tilt on Twitter & Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today I’m bringing you an episode that covers a new topic for this show — how to find the right program when you realize your child is in need of more substantial therapeutic support or intervention. I’ve wanted to cover this topic for a long time because I know how overwhelming it can be if this is a road your family is going down. Sue Scheff has decades of experience in this field, personal and professional, and I’m grateful she joined me to shed light on the ins and outs of navigating different therapeutic programs. With Sue’s fascinating background, we could have explored many different topics for this episode, but what I wanted to do in this conversation is to have Sue give us an overview of the options available to parents whose kids are struggling with challenging or dangerous behaviors and are in need of more intensive supports. Sue explains the difference between therapeutic boarding schools, residential treatment centers and wilderness programs, what the signals are that a child would benefit from these types of supports, how to identify the best fit program, the possibilities for having programs covered by insurance, and much more. About Sue ScheffFounder and President of Parents’ Universal Resource Experts Inc. (P.U.R.E.™), Sue Scheff has been leveraging her personal experiences to help others through her organization since 2001. After being stalked, harassed, bullied and slandered online – in 2006, Scheff won a landmark case for internet defamation with an $11.3M jury verdict. Since then, she’s been an advocate for cyberbullying prevention and promoting the importance of online reputation. She has three published books, Wit’s End (HCI 2007), Google Bomb (HCI 2009) with a foreword by Michael Fertik, and her latest, Shame Nation: The Global Epidemic of Online Hate (Sourcebooks 2017) with a foreword by Monica Lewinsky.Things you'll learn from this episode The differences between therapeutic boarding schools, residential treatment centers, and wilderness programs What the signs are that a child may be in need of more intensive intervention or a therapeutic program How to go about identifying and vetting programs that are an ideal fit for a child’s individual challenges The possibilities that exist for having the high cost of therapeutic programs be partially (or fully) covered by insurance Whether or not parents should be concerned about placing their teens in programs where their peer group may be dealing with more problematic behavior and negatively influence a teen Why any therapeutic program has to involve the whole family in order for it to be effective  Resources mentioned for  Sue Scheff’s website Parents’ Universal Resource Experts Inc. (P.U.R.E.™) Wit’s End: Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-of-Control Teen by Sue Scheff Google Bomb: The Global Epidemic of Online Hate by Sue Scheff Shame Nation: The Global Epidemic of Online Hate by Sue Scheff Sue Scheff on Facebook Support the showConnect with Tilt Parenting Visit Tilt Parenting Take the free 7-Day Challenge Read a chapter of Differently Wired Follow Tilt on Twitter & Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices