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Have you ever freestyled a presentation? Or do you check and check, overprepare, perfect those slides until you feel ‘confident’? Imagine how much more time and energy you would have, if you allowed for imperfection.  Your performance would improve, as you would be more relaxed and less likely to be overwhelmed and overworked. Newsflash: If you spend loads of time overpreparing and perfecting a presentation, it may be more of a confidence issue, rather than a competence issue. In this episode, I use an example of a recent presentation I did about perfectionism, where I consciously didn’t prepare and also embraced imperfections through a mistake I made.   You can email me to find out more about my new group programme at info@thethomasconnection.co.uk If you need a self-compassionate break, telling yourself how hard it is sometimes and giving yourself some kindness instead of criticism around a mistake, then you can download a free 4min guided meditation audio on www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/break Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here   Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay 

“I’m not a perfectionist? I’m just ambitious and work hard. True, I’m overwhelmed and exhausted, but I can’t stop because then I won’t achieve anything and feel like a failure.” I hear these thoughts a lot, about how overworking is seen as a pathway to success and achievement. With fear of failure if we develop self-care and self-compassion, taking a break.   In this episode, I dive into perfectionism, overworking, shame, high standards and fear of failure, and how we experience more joy when living an imperfect life, with a fellow expert on perfectionism: Jennifer Kemp.  Jennifer Kemp is a privately practicing Clinical Psychologist, author, and busy mum, who works with clients who are struggling with perfectionism and the mental health problems perfectionism facilitates and maintains. She is the author of The ACT Workbook for Perfectionism, integrates Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), behavioural, and Compassion-Focused approaches in her therapeutic and consultation work.  We cover: Perfectionism as a set of behaviours High standards as rigid rules Musts and shoulds create pressure Fear and avoidance of failing Self-criticism for mistakes Perfectionistic standards running in families Hope that we can change these patterns Short term relief vs. long term costs Checking and reassurance seeking Anxiety about being good enough Costs from overworking and avoidance Perfect, unattainable goals lead to failure Shame drives perfectionism, as discomfort we want to avoid Willingness to be uncomfortable with anxiety around mistakes Self-compassion as antidote to perfectionism Being a recovering perfectionist Perfectionism as umbrella to depression, anxiety and eating disorders Stepping out of the comfort zone Living an imperfect life that matters, following values that light you up Find Jennifer at https://jenniferkemp.com.au/   Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here Find out more about my upcoming group coaching for women who struggle with perfectionism and not feeling enough by messaging me - www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/contact-us/ Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

If you want to do good, being overwhelmed by the situation may mean that you do nothing at all. If you constantly watch the news, you may freeze in anxiety and worry. Especially considering the impact of two years pandemic on your nervous system. Don't beat yourself up if you feel numb or indifferent, or so anxious that you can't watch it. Want to help? Make sure to look after yourself, so you can mobilise what you have. In this episode I share six tips for how you can cope with uncertainty.    You can email me to find out more about my new group programme at info@thethomasconnection.co.uk If you need a self-compassionate break, telling yourself how hard it is sometimes and giving yourself some kindness instead of criticism around a mistake, then you can download a free 4min guided meditation audio on www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/break Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here   Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Do you frequently jump on things and then overwork yourself, regretting doing this activity? Ask yourself this: Is this a wise choice of how to spend my time? Is this activity driven by my values or by my pressure to achieve? Is this going to light me up, and refuel me through my passion? Will doing this drain my energy further, or replenish it? Can I do a smaller version of this, rather than going all in? Can I take any shortcuts? What would it look like if it was easy?   Some of you may know I had my second baby in September, and recorded lots of podcast episodes before that, whilst I was still pregnant. Instead of jumping into recording lots more podcasts now, I am making some wise choices with my time, taking some shortcuts. I am still here, you will still get more episodes, but as and when it suits me and my baby. Do sign up to my newsletter to be aware of when the next episode hits, www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/newsletter   You can email me to find out more about my new group programme at info@thethomasconnection.co.uk If you need a self-compassionate break, telling yourself how hard it is sometimes and giving yourself some kindness instead of criticism around a mistake, then you can download a free 4min guided meditation audio on www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/break Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Do you experience persistent, or chronic, pain? Or you have a loved one who does? You might know how hard it is to pace yourself on a ‘good day’, overdoing it and then ‘paying for it’ the next day. Especially if you have high standards for yourself, then you may just push through the pain rather than being kind to yourself.  In this episode, I speak to Dr Romy Sherlock about chronic pain and perfectionism, as they often go hand in hand.  Romy Sherlock is a clinical psychologist specialising in working with people with chronic/persistent pain.  She spent 8 years leading an NHS pain psychology service and set up Retraining Pain, a multidisciplinary team to help people with persistent pain.   We cover: What chronic pain is Injury or illness causing pain Overprotective nervous system Biopsychosocial model of pain Life and identity before/after pain Changing your relationship to the pain Complete recovery vs. Adjusting to it More than ‘issues in the tissues’ or ‘all in your head’ Pain as threat detection Making rehab less scary The stress and anxiety of pain The link between trauma and pain Perfectionistic tendencies and self-criticism Overdoing and pushing through vs pacing Pain experience in women Hardwired to want to achieve and fit in Feeling like a burden Acceptance isn’t resignation   Find Romy Sherlock here: www.retrainingpain.co.uk  Resources mentioned -  The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk When The Body Says No by Dr. Gabor Maté Living Beyond Your Pain by JoAnne Dahl and Tobias Lundgren Explain Pain Handbook by Professor Lorimer Moseley and Dr. David Butler. www.livewellwithpain.co.uk www.tamethebeast.org Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Have you ever been told that you have a lot of potential? That you could ‘go places’? Do big things? Maybe you have big dreams? Yet you find yourself stuck, not making progress or levelling up like you want to? When we doubt our own ability, or aim for perfection, we hold ourselves back from utilising our potential. You then keep yourself small, preventing yourself from getting to that next level that other people think you could reach. How does that make you feel? When there is a gap between what others see in you, and what you see in yourself? It can be helpful to remind yourself of how others see you, and tune into those kind and supportive cheerleading voices. If you get too stuck inside your own head, you’ll believe what your inner critic says about your ability, and you’ll hold yourself back from utilising your potential. Try to speak to yourself like others speak to you, reminding yourself of the capacity others see in you. To learn about the other reasons why you may not be utilising your potential, tune into this short solo episode now!      If you need a self-compassionate break, telling yourself how hard it is sometimes and giving yourself some kindness instead of criticism around a mistake, then you can download a free 4min guided meditation audio on www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/break Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

What pulls us away from acting in line with our values? Difficult thoughts and feelings showing up, causing us discomfort and leading us to avoid doing things in line with our values. Drinking too much, eating three tubs of ice cream, skipping classes or party invitations – all this avoidance helps us avoid discomfort in the short term, but takes us further away from a meaningful life. In this episode, I speak to Dr Nic Hooper about how this dance between avoidance and willingness shows up students. If you’re not a student or a parent of a student, this episode is still for you, as Nic shares principles around how us humans can build a thriving life and become unbreakable. Dr Nic Hooper is an expert in clinical psychology and a senior lecturer at the University of the West of England in Bristol. Nic is also a co-director of Connect, which is an organisation that offers a psychological wellbeing curriculum for primary school children. In 2017, inspired by his students, Nic began to write a book of life advice to his son, Max, which was to be given to him on his eighteenth birthday. Over time, that book slowly transformed into The Unbreakable Student.   We cover: Writing a book in a vulnerable way Therapists as human beings facing suffering The power of sharing personal stories The six ways to wellbeingExercise Challenge self Connect with others Give to others Self-care Embrace the moment Thoughts/feelings stopping us from doing wellbeing behaviour External validation and being liked Values as a guide for behaviour Receiving criticism and trusting self Ways of managing unwanted thoughts and feelings Becoming familiar with discomfort Messing up and gentle returns Leaving a legacy behind Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Have you set a New Years resolution? Did you wake up with anxiety on New Years Day? Thinking you need to change your habits, lose that weight, get into shape?  There is so much pressure to be perfect in our modern society.  It’s a new year, but you are STILL you. With all your quirks and imperfections, with all your flaws and mistakes. With your mood swings and your bad habits of reading on the toilet and eating the last of something without putting it on the shopping list. In this brief solo episode I discuss New Year's resolutions, reviewing some psychological research as to whether they actually work, and how you can set yourself kinder goals. You are still you, it's time to learn to be okay with the you that you are, rather than trying to get rid of everything about you. If you need a self-compassionate break, telling yourself how hard it is sometimes and giving yourself some kindness instead of criticism around a mistake, then you can download a free 4min guided meditation audio on www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/break Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Becoming a father, a dad, can be a painful experience. One in 10 men experience anxiety or depression within the first 6 months of the birth of their baby.   In today’s society, there is still a stigma around men talking about their mental health, opening up vulnerably about their emotional experience of fatherhood. In this episode, I speak to Elliott Rae about his experience of PTSD following the traumatic birth of his daughter (trigger warning), and how this led him to his purpose of making an impact around fathers’ mental health, gender equality, masculinity and representing a diverse picture of fathers. Elliott Rae is the founder of  MusicFootballFatherhood (MFF), the parenting platform for dads to share the ups and downs of parenting and promote a positive representation of diverse fatherhood. Elliott’s first book is called ‘DAD: untold stories of fatherhood, love, mental health and masculinity’.    BBC article: ‘I got PTSD after witnessing my daughter’s birth’ - BBC News Book: DAD: Untold stories of fatherhood, love, mental health and masculinity (DAD: Untold stories of Fatherhood, Love, Mental Health and Masculinity: Amazon.co.uk: MusicFootballFatherhood, Elliott, Rae: 9781527290242: Books ) www.musicfootballfatherhood.com Insta: @mffonline_, @iamelliottrae We cover: PTSD from a traumatic birth Lack of support for new dads Avoiding talking about it Accepting what happened The need for community groups for dads Screening for mental health problems in fathers Liberation from toxic masculinity “Boys don’t cry” - socialised pressure Black fatherhood, diversity and inclusion A wake up call around workaholism Being present in the moment Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media

Are you a people pleaser? Maybe you have heard that term, floating around on social media or maybe someone has said that you are a people pleaser? This episode is for you if you ARE a people pleaser, or if you LIVE with one. Being a people pleaser can make you a martyr – looking after other people’s needs and sacrificing your own. When you silence yourself, not expressing what you really think and feel about things, it damages your relationship, in more ways than one.  You don’t make your partner ‘happy’ if you always do what they want, as an attempt to please them.  Why? Your partner won’t love it, because they end up with an angry, resentful partner with a low sense of worth.  Because they don’t get to fully KNOW YOU – your wishes, urges, fantasies, dreams, wants, and needs.  A healthy relationship is one balancing the needs of both partners. Tune into this short bite-sized solo episode on any podcast platform.   To learn more about how to stop people-pleasing, to balance your relationship, sign up to my 60-minute mini-workshop here:  www.thethomasconnection.co.uk/peoplepleasing/   Order my book, The Lasting Connection, here To spend 90 days to develop love and compassion for yourself, join the online course, The Compassionate Couple, here Find me at www.thethomasconnection.co.uk Instagram: @the_thomas_connection Facebook: www.facebook.com/thethomasconnection Pause Purpose Play Facebook group: www.facebook.com/groups/pausepurposeplay    This episode was edited by Emily Crosby Media