The Great Man Within

#31: Without a doubt, gentlemen, these are confusing times when it comes to the “new rules” of dating and courting women. One of readers, Linda M., concurs: “I’ve been on dates where men have said they are scared to open the door for women or pick up the bill because they’ve been told off for doing so previously. I like both of these things done for me so I’m disappointed when a man doesn’t demonstrate what I classify as chivalry.”   Bryan and I too often find ourselves tongue tied, stuck in unclear situations, and needing to clear up misunderstandings when something we’ve said didn’t land the way we intended. But this recurring complaint from men is where we lay the smack down: “I can’t compliment a woman anymore.” It’s high time to euthanize this weak expression of helplessness and exasperation.   Men, You Are Better Than That When a man says “I can’t even compliment a woman anymore,” he’s revealing that his attempts to compliment are less a genuine expression of praise or admiration with no expectation of return… …and more a self-serving act to extract something of desire from his target. And when that doesn’t happen, it’s followed by a temper tantrum turned “I’m taking my ball and going home,” self-ejection from the game. I’ve never wanted that guy on my team. Why would any woman?   The 4 Problems of Your “Compliment Hammer” Men often bring a Compliment Hammer to every situation, treating each unique woman – and each unique context – like a standard issue nail. Here are the 4 key problems you’re not considering with respect to paying a compliment:   Your compliment is oblivious to CONTEXT You’re only complimenting the PHYSICAL APPEARENCE You think your INTENTION is more important than the IMPACT on the other person You expect a black-and-white UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTABLE set of guidelines that applies to 4 billion unique women   In today’s podcast, we give a story-gone-wrong from each of these situations, as well as the antidote.   Women Will Happily Give You Their Trust and Affection (if you deserve it…) Here are 4 things the women in our community made abundantly clear: Yes, women very much still want compliments (as do men). Women want you to demonstrate you’ve considered their interests, their safety and the context – not just your own agenda – before thrusting an expectant compliment upon them. Women will place a disproportionate amount of trust, affection and connection to the man (men) who has attuned his senses to her unique needs, desires and fears. Women want a man who is willing to learn and handle potentially difficult feedback without collapsing (anger, shutting down, running away, giving up).   In other words, if you’re coming from a place of admiration, respect, and wanting to understand THIS unique woman in front of you… …the greater the likelihood your compliment (and you as a man) will be received.   Quotes from the Women in Our Community   Linda M: “I have often felt uncomfortable when receiving a compliment because the CONTEXT felt inappropriate.  On one hand I do feel men should take some time to consider what they say and how they say it.  On another I feel sorry for men because it is a sensitive time and women are more expressed about what they are uncomfortable with.  This challenge extends far beyond just giving compliments. I’ve been on dates where men have said they are scared to open the door for women or pick up the bill because they’ve been told off for doing so previously. I like both of these things done for me so I’m disappointed when a man doesn’t demonstrate what I class as chivalry.  I think if men approach every situation with curiosity they will develop the ability to understand the boundaries of the individuals they interact with and can adapt their approach accordingly.”   Kara A. “I had a CEO comment on a Private Message on Linked In that my photos looked hot. I had known him for years, had placed him in his previous role (Kara is an executive recruiter) – I have never been able to work with him since that word from him permanently changed everything.”   Tara T. “At work, men don't need to talk about women's appearances. Unless you two are very close friends and she brings it up, just don't do it.  I totally see how men might feel worried about everything they say, but it's just a new paradigm.  Women have been mincing their words forever in other ways for men (trying to seem less direct, less assertive, less demanding, etc.) so I think generally we're more used to obsessing about what we say.  The bottom line though is that if something doesn't land well, which is okay because everyone makes mistakes, a quick "oh shoot, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable; I should've been more mindful of how I said that." will quickly fix it. We're all in this together.     Melissa R.  “If he is your boss, authority, your pay check is dependent upon this man, etc. a compliment said with a positive intent may or may not be received well because of the power factor.  I think it’s important we don’t develop any “rules” around when a man should or shouldn’t share a genuine compliment. Maybe it’s more about as a man is your compliment to a woman genuine, non-sexual, non-wanting anything in return... is the intention truly admiration and genuine authentic sharing? Or is there an agenda? Is there anything behind the compliment conscious or unconscious? Do you want something from this woman behind your compliment? I think we need to start talking about this with men and us women need to start understanding more of what invokes our fears. Some ate very instinctual and the more I understand them the safer I would feel. A world with less compliments from men to women will not make more women feel safe.”     Michelle N. “Compliments that work for me have more to do with my talents, personality or skills. If what I am wearing is well done, complementing on how the color or style suits me, without reference to whatever body part it may accentuate, without looking me up and down, first, and DO NOT comment on my weight.”

#30: You guys are still really digging the 11 ideas for your morning routine podcast. We love hearing your success stories from implementing the techniques we shared as well as your follow up questions. Here’s one of the most persistent questions: “What do I do about my evening routine (it’s a disaster!)” If your evening routine is a disaster – and as you’ll hear in this podcast, Bryan’s is an unmitigated disaster – then your morning will suffer, as will the rest of your day. Your morning and evening routines are the bookends of your day. They determine the quality of the 16, 17, 18 waking hours in between. Let’s tighten that shit up. In This Episode: An unforgiving inventory of Bryan’s disaster of an evening routine Dominick’s 3 stages of his evening routine 1. Shut down today 2. Set up tomorrow 3. Wind it down for sleep Best Sleep Practices/Tools 1. Room Temperature at 68 degrees 2. Chilipad Bed Cooling Technology 3. Swannies Blue Blocking Night Glasses 4. Gravity Weighted Blanket 5. Melatonin 3mg   I also ask you the following questions: 1. Do you consciously choose when to go to sleep, or do you pass out? 2. Do you have a regular window (75% of the time) when you go to sleep (ie between 9:00-10:30pm)? 3. Do you look at your calendar for the next day sometime in the last 2-3 hours before bed? 4. What’s the very last thing you do before you turn the lights out? 5. Do you reflect on the day you just had (wins, losses, gratitudes, insights)? 6. Do you set an intention/goals for the next day? 7. Do you use your cell phone as your alarm clock? 8. Most nights, when is your last meal/snack. 9. How much time do you spend in bed…before you fall asleep? (ie get into bed at 10:00pm but look at phone until 11:15-midnight). 10. Do you take sleeping medication?

#29: I recently stumbled across an “article title generator” website.   Since the topic of this week’s podcast is masturbation, I figured it would be the perfect time to test it out the “article title generator.”   So I typed in the word “masturbation,” and promptly got 231 responses.   Here are my 5 favorite:   5. Masturbation – the Ultimate Convenience! 4. 5 Oddball Tips on Masturbation 3. A Deadly Mistake Uncovered on Masturbation And How to Avoid It 2. The Idiot’s Guide to Masturbation 1. 7 Cut Throat Masturbation Tactics That Never Fail   So why do an entire episode on masturbation (when you’re an expert already, thank you very much)?   Well, it turns out that your uninspected masturbation habits may have some side effects: ·      Lessened desire to have real sex ·      Decreased creative energy and life force ·      Potentially secretive fantasies that inadvertently cause guilt/shame ·      A guaranteed way to go to hell   Ok, I made that last one up to tweak those of you with lingering Catholic guilt (I know the feeling!).   Fellas, chances are you’ve masturbated thousands of times in your life.   Have you ever really given it a thought as to what impact this behavior might have on your sex life or your drive for life?   In this Episode: ·      Why I stopped masturbating for 4 years, what I learned, and why I’m back on the sauce ·      Why it’s not a coincidence that some of my biggest, boldest changes in life (leaving a lucrative financial services job to start my own business) came during my masturbation and porn abstinence period ·      How to create your own 10-day temporary abstinence from masturbation practice ·      Is masturbation draining your desire to have real sex? ·      Are your masturbation habits draining your life force, passion and drive to create? ·      Do you know what triggers you to need/want to masturbate? ·      How much masturbation is too much? ·      Young Bryan makes a pact with God to never masturbate again…if God allows him to catch a fish ·      We share the survey results of 50 men aged 22-50 where we asked the following 4 questions:   1.     How old were you when you learned to masturbate? 2.    How did you learn how to masturbate?    3.    What are 3 words to describe your very first experience of masturbation? 4.    Paint the picture of how that first experience went down.     Favorite Quotes:   “We have this potential weapon of mass destruction that dangles between our legs, and we stumble upon the launch codes at a very early age without any good guidance or direction.”   “Once I discovered masturbation, it was like sitting on an endless pile of heroin. I could pull on that crank at any time, and all my worries would go away.”   “It was there, it was hard, and it wouldn’t go away. So I did what any rational human would do: I tugged on it a few hundred times.” 

#28: If you’ve been a regular listener of our podcast, you’re probably used to Bryan and I spilling our guts all over the interwebs about some pretty personal stuff. Namely, my journey through Sex Addicts Anonymous, 4 years off of porn and masturbation, and Bryan’s experience being diagnosed with testicular cancer and chlamydia on the same day. This episode is special because for the first time, we’re sharing YOUR stories. Two of our podcast listeners, let’s call them David and Ricky, have courageously and graciously consented to sharing their stories. David ·Early 40s, married, two kids, SVP of a Fortune 100 financial services firm ·Porn became his default after his wife’s desire for sex waned after having children ·Saddened by the loss of intimacy with his wife but perversely happy to have the air cover to dive into the private world of porn ·Listened to our podcasts on temporary Porn Abstinence and Sex Addiction ·For the first time in his life took a month long abstinence from porn and masturbation ·Experienced clarity and energy   Ricky ·Early 40s, single, successful entrepreneur with a high-profile online presence ·Slept with over 300 women ·In his 20’s he mastered the “art of seduction,” and learned how to perform in and out of the bedroom in a way that women would praise ·Could never hold a relationship longer than 3-6 months ·Would always end up cheating or being cheated on ·Now has difficult performing sexually and describes himself as a poor lover ·Wants a loving relationship with children but keeps repeating the same broken cycle in his relationships Both of these would be classified as “normal” men by the outside world. Before hearing my history of sexual addiction, David never thought he had anything he needed to look at when it came to his sex life. Then he took command. Ricky knew he had something wrong, but didn’t know where to turn. Each of these men are sharing their stories as an act of service to you, our listeners, so that you may find guidance and support along the way. If you have a story you’d be willing to share, please email me: Dominick@DominickQ.com None of your personal details will be shared without your consent. -DQ

#27: One of the questions Bryan and I get asked most is: How do I find my purpose? The question comes with consternation and in two forms: 1. You have no idea what your purpose is (that feels helpless) 2. You have a general sense of the direction, but don’t know exactly what it is or how to get at it…you just know it’s not what you’re doing right now (that feels frustrating). With all this pressure to find your purpose, you inadvertently push it away. This is Part One of a multiple part series on how to find your purpose which focuses on: How to Become Interesting. · The resume is dead; your level of influence and creativity is what matters · How to become interesting even if you don’t feel you have a “share-worthy life” · How to develop what “your thing” is that will set you apart · How fear of “looking weird” is an invisible anti-purpose prison cell · How to find your tribe of “weird like me” · How “gross over consuming” of information is preventing you from finding purpose · Why “following what gives you energy” trumps “finding purpose” every day of the week · How to keep putting “energy giving” arrows into your quiver…leading to your purpose · Why “assimilation” to your business and/or social cultures keeps you from purpose

#26: This is Bryan and my reaction to the interview with Paul Brunson that we released earlier this week - Billionaire Habits from a Man with 10 Businesses. After we release our interviews with our guests, Bryan and I often get asked: What did you think about what guest XYZ had to say? Do you agree with their position on ABC? What did you find most interesting? So in this "Reaction" episode, we answer those questions. We review some of Paul's greatest hits: Our thoughts on getting up at 4:30am to start a morning routine How his 3 step process for reading 100 books a year has influenced our reading habits What we learned from taking a marriage on the rocks to a sex life that included 3-5 times a week If you like this extra "reaction" conversation and want us to do more, let us know: Send me an email to Dominick@DominickQ.com Simply put this in the subject line: "Do more reaction podcasts!" -Dominick

#25: Paul Brunson and I were speaking at the same conference when I heard him describe his morning routine, which culminated in: “Also, my wife and I are intimate 3-5 times a week…in the morning.” I promptly said, “I need you on our podcast.” Interesting Facts About Paul Oprah Winfrey served as his mentor and offered him a show on her network He’s interviewed more billionaires than any other journalist As a matchmaker, he was called the "real life Hitch” (referring to the Will Smith movie) He runs 10 businesses He reads 100 books a year He and his wife of 18 years are intimate 3-5 times a week (even with two young children!) Favorite Quotes from the Episode: “Powerful men make the worst decisions at night when the cup is empty.” “Successful people don’t tolerate what’s toxic for long.” “LinkedIn today is the Instagram of 2015.” (why you should be building a platform on LinkedIn). In this Episode: How Paul transformed a sexless marriage on the brink of disaster…to 3-5 days of intimacy per week A 3 step “active-reading” process that helps Paul read and retain 100 books a year “Billionaire Habits” that you can implement in your morning routine Why there’s “no such thing as balance” and only “integration and alignment” matter to living a life of your own design How to do a “purge” of the inputs that are no longer serving you (news, social media, television shows, people)

#24: This episode on meditation is for you if you’ve ever said: I’ve tried meditating but I can’t clear my mind I’ve tried meditating but I can’t sit still that long I don’t have time for meditation My life is too busy and chaotic to have a regular meditation practice Meditation feels like work Meditation doesn’t do anything for me Running/Cooking/Gardening is my meditation…   …then this episode is for you. This is a beginner’s guide for those of you who are interested in establishing a regular practice but don’t know how, or you’ve been frustrated by failed attempts in the past. Who is Cory Muscara? Cory Muscara is one of THE most important ambassadors of mindfulness in this country, because he’s taken this millenniums-old practice and made it accessible for the busy modern professional. Here’s a little bit about Cory: He’s the #1 most downloaded meditation instructor on the app Simple Habit He’s been featured on the Dr. Oz show He’s toured and spoken alongside Dan Harris, author of 10% Happier He runs the Long Island Center for Meditation He spent 6 months in silent meditation in Burma living as a monk and meditating up to 20 hours a day. In other words, this man knows his shit. So much so, I took my 72 year mother and 75 year old father – neither of whom had meditated in their lives – to Cory’s 3 day meditation retreat. They were begrudging going in. They came out the other side different people. My father has been meditating every day since. For those of you seasoned meditators, there’s still plenty of wisdom in this episode for you as well, by the very nature of the depth of Cory’s work. Enjoy.

#23: If you’re like most people, you don’t think much about where your porn comes from. You log on. You do your business. You log off… …and say a Hail Mary (there’s that Catholic guilt!). All kidding aside, there’s a problem with your unconscious viewing habits: You may be inadvertently contributing to a system that perpetuates abuse (oftentimes horrifying) of the young women performers who have been misled into what they’re getting themselves into. Every time you go online to view something, you’re voting with your view count. Like we did with the food and clothing industries, we need to demand better working conditions for the performers of the content we’re consuming. In order to do that, we need to educate ourselves on what it looks like…behind the scenes in the porn world (which is what this episode is all about). In This Episode: Dominick shares his downloads from a 4 hour conversation with Lisa Ann - one of the world’s top 10 most searched porn stars - about the brutal working conditions for many of the young women in the porn game today. Bryan and Dominick watch “feminist produced porn” by famed director Erika Lust with a room of 100+ people in Brooklyn New York…and are jarred by what they see. Dominick is appalled by the Netflix documentary: Hot Girls Wanted – which exposes a brutal system of recruitment, manipulation and abuse of barely 18 year old women in the porn industry. Special note: An ethical porn site that I now subscribe to: www.Lustery.com The men and women featured in these videos are couples who have volunteered and consented to have their videos published online. I’ve found the quality to be surprisingly good for home recordings, and the real exchanges between two people who know one another has been refreshing. It was $100 for the year-long membership.

#22: This time the tables are turned on Bryan and I. Women’s coach and Aussie phenom Monica Yates interviews us on the things her community wants to know (she sourced the questions from her Instagram followership). Her followership is: Primarily Female Typically between the ages of 20-35 Mostly Entrepreneurs Her audience asked Bryan and I the following questions: What was the hardest thing growing up as a male? Do guys like it more when women take control sexually? How do I get my man to open up to me? Why don’t more guys approach women in bars? Early on in dating, how can a woman tell when a man is for real, and not just reciting lines? What advice do you have for a business woman who’s more successful than her man, and he’s feeling like “not enough” because of it? What do Bryan and I look for in a woman? This episode has been edited down from the original full-length recording, which you can find on Monica’s podcast: Feminine as F*ck by Clicking Here