How can projection and triggering impact intimacy and healing in relationships? Tanner underscores the crucial role of finding a skilled therapist for healing from childhood trauma and dysfunctional family systems, drawing from her personal experiences. She and therapist Patrick Tehan discuss how childhood trauma can influence adult behaviors, including projecting unresolved issues onto partners and seeking relationships mirroring those with parents. They highlight the manifestation of trauma in behaviors like control and triggering within adult relationships, emphasizing the need for recognizing these patterns to foster intimacy and healing. The conversation also addresses the lasting impacts of neglect and chaos in childhood, which can result in emotional instability and a lack of security. Both emphasize the importance of therapy and support groups in reconnecting trauma survivors with themselves and others, advocating for a community approach to healing and personal growth. Patrick Teahan is a dedicated therapist specializing in healing from childhood trauma, offering transformative six-month and three-year support groups. With extensive experience, including his participation in a three-and-a-half-year support group focusing on childhood trauma, Patrick brings deep insights into the impact of dysfunction and chaos in family dynamics. Through his informative YouTube channel, he raises awareness by creating engaging role plays and animated videos of assessments related to childhood trauma, distinguishing between obvious and tricky abusive family situations. Patrick also explores the concept of "trigger city," providing strategies to navigate and improve challenging interactions with partners, ultimately fostering safe and healthy connections. Key TakeAways - Finding a good therapist is crucial for healing from childhood trauma and dysfunctional family systems. - Childhood trauma survivors may unconsciously address their issues through their partners or seek relationships similar to those with their parents. - Projection and triggering behaviors can impact relationships, and recognizing these patterns is essential for intimacy and healing. - Symptoms of childhood trauma can manifest in relationships, such as avoidance and seeking validation from others due to disconnection from oneself. - Neglect and chaos in childhood can have lasting impacts on emotional well-being and security, affecting how individuals navigate their emotions and relationships. - Childhood trauma survivors may exhibit control and triggering behaviors in adult relationships, leading to tension and conflict within marriages. - Personal growth in relationships involves navigating conflicts, seeking external support, and understanding that healing is an ongoing process that goes beyond self-help resources. Actionable Insights - Find a good therapist for healing from childhood trauma - Seek professional help rather than relying solely on self-help resources - Recognize and address projection and triggering behaviors in relationships - Navigate conflicts and seek external support like therapy to strengthen relationships - Join support groups to address trauma and disconnection - Disrupt coping mechanisms and seek healing through therapy and support networks - Confront projections, triggers, and develop intimacy with oneself and others for healing from trauma

How can deficits in emotional development hinder secure attachments? Tanner highlights the profound impact of unresolved childhood trauma on adult intimate relationships, noting that deficits in emotional development can hinder secure attachments. He underscores the importance of recognizing these deficits as rooted in past experiences rather than personal defects, which can lead to a transformative mindset shift and open avenues for healing. Key to this healing process is the development of emotional literacy, selfhood, and a solid sense of self through time, commitment, and accountability. Tanner also addresses the destructive role of the outer critic, rooted in childhood, which can perpetuate toxic dynamics; recognizing and mitigating this can prevent relational alienation. Lastly, she advocates for a trauma-informed approach in marriages, emphasizing the creation of a culture of appreciation to counteract negative sentiment and foster a positive, compassionate environment. Childhood trauma can cast long shadows into adult life, fundamentally shaping how individuals engage in intimate relationships. According to Tanner, unresolved childhood trauma often manifests in adult relationships through emotional development deficits that hinder secure attachments. She contends that many individuals mistakenly perceive these relational challenges as personal failings rather than as rooted in past experiences. Tanner's perspective, shaped by her own journey of self-reflection and problem-solving, emphasizes the transformative potential that arises when individuals recognize these struggles as trauma-related deficits. By adopting a trauma-informed approach, Tanner believes individuals can foster healthier relationships through the cultivation of emotional literacy, a robust sense of self, and an environment grounded in appreciation and compassion. Key TakeAways - Childhood trauma can hinder forming secure attachments in adult relationships. - Recognizing deficits from childhood trauma can lead to a shift in mindset. - Outer critic attacks in relationships are often rooted in childhood experiences. - Vulnerability and commitment are essential for relational healing and secure attachments. - Creating a culture of appreciation in marriages can combat negative sentiments. - Expressing appreciation in various areas can strengthen the foundation of marriage. Actionable Insights - Recognize deficits from childhood trauma instead of viewing oneself as defective - Develop emotional literacy and selfhood in intimate relationships - Address outer critic attacks to prevent toxic dynamics in relationships - Emphasize vulnerability and commitment for relational healing - Create a culture of appreciation in marriages to combat negativity - Implement trauma-informed approaches in marriage support (00:01:25) "By understanding the root cause of your suffering and your hurt, you can change your entire approach to the situation."  (00:04:46) "It all can be addressed step by step, but you have to be willing to show up and do the hard work."  (00:11:59) "The value of turning the scientific method on yourself is transformative."  (00:22:55) "The outer critic also pushes us to over control other people to make them safer for us."  (00:31:04) "That excessive criticism is so toxic and so painful and so disorienting."  (00:36:28) "Try to see if there's three things across all of those domains that you can authentically say that you appreciate, no matter how small that your partner's doing." 

How can identifying trauma-based responses contribute to personal growth? Tanner explores the connection between the inner critic and childhood betrayal trauma, highlighting its impact on self-compassion and relational healing. This critical inner voice, often rooted in perfectionism and threat, hampers individuals' ability to form healthy relationships. To mitigate its influence, Tanner emphasizes the importance of recognizing these inner critic attacks and employing strategies such as psychoeducation, self-compassionate remothering, and redirecting anger toward the appropriate targets. By addressing trauma-based responses like self-hate and overproductivity, individuals can foster a healthier sense of self and improve their relationships. Tanner underscores the transformative power of resilience, emotional intelligence, and community support, advocating for authenticity and vulnerability as pathways to personal growth and meaningful connections. The concept of the inner critic, an often harsh and relentless voice within, holds significant sway over an individual's self-perception and interactions. Tanner explores this inner critic, particularly in those with childhood betrayal trauma, and draws connections to complex PTSD. He describes this voice as one fixated on perfectionism and perceived threats, originating from unsafe environments during upbringing. Tanner, drawing from experiences rooted in these challenges, emphasizes the necessity of recognizing the inner critic's pervasive attacks, such as those centered on perfectionism, to mitigate its damaging effects on emotional and social well-being. By fostering awareness and engaging in psychoeducation, individuals can begin to lessen the inner critic's negative influence and pave the way toward resilience and healthier relationships. Key TakeAways - Recognizing common inner critic attacks like perfectionist tendencies helps grasp the harmful nature of this internal voice and work towards reducing its influence. - Verbal ventilation and self-compassionate responses can help challenge and reshape the harsh inner critic, promoting a healthier relationship with oneself and facilitating relational healing. - Recognizing trauma-based responses such as self-hate, micromanagement, unfair comparisons, guilt, and overproductivity is crucial for relational healing and personal growth. - Getting angry and replacing inner critic attacks with a nurturing parental response are tools for managing the inner critic and promoting self-compassion. - Tanner emphasizes the journey to resilience, emotional intelligence, and deep intimacy that comes from overcoming struggles and fighting for personal growth. Actionable Insights - Recognize common inner critic attacks, like perfectionist tendencies, to reduce its influence - Direct anger at the appropriate target and practice self-compassionate responses to counteract harsh self-criticism - Identify trauma-based responses such as self-hate and over-productivity to protect oneself from triggers - Replace inner critic attacks with nurturing parental responses and challenge negative self-talk for self-compassion - Embrace authenticity, confront inner critics, and seek community support for emotional healing and resilience  

What role does childhood betrayal trauma play in triggering emotional flashbacks? Tanner explores the profound impact of childhood betrayal trauma, particularly focusing on emotional flashbacks that can trigger intense emotional responses without any apparent external cause. These flashbacks, which can last from hours to days, often lead to feelings of fear, shame, and confusion, complicating relationships and daily functioning. By raising awareness of these emotional responses, individuals can begin to understand their triggers and start a journey toward healing and recovery. Tanner advocates for managing these flashbacks through grounding practices, self-awareness, and identifying specific triggers, which can aid in coping with and reducing the frequency of these distressing experiences. Tanner further emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing emotional flashbacks in the recovery process, sharing personal experiences to highlight their significant impact and the necessity of mitigating their effects to heal from deep-seated childhood trauma. Emotional flashbacks are intense emotional responses that can occur suddenly and without an apparent external trigger, often stemming from unresolved trauma. Tanner delves into the impact of childhood betrayal trauma, focusing on how these flashbacks can evoke feelings of fear, shame, and confusion. Her perspective is shaped by personal experiences, notably involving interactions with her mother and critiques from her partner, which can trigger these flashbacks. Tanner highlights a significant incident where he reacted with rage to a perceived criticism, later recognizing it as an emotional flashback to his childhood trauma of seeking love and approval. She advocates for the use of self-awareness and self-soothing techniques to navigate these emotional waves, emphasizing the importance of recognizing that one is not in danger to manage and reduce the frequency of such distressing experiences. Key TakeAways - Childhood betrayal trauma can lead to emotional flashbacks triggered by seemingly minor incidents - Emotional flashbacks involve reliving past traumatic events in the present without external triggers - Managing emotional flashbacks involves grounding practices, gentle breathing, and self-awareness for safety - Studying specific trigger contexts can help identify sources of emotional flashbacks - Recognizing emotional flashbacks is crucial for healing and recovery from childhood betrayal trauma Actionable Insights - Recognize emotional flashbacks as a key aspect of childhood betrayal trauma - Understand the lasting effects of emotional flashbacks on individuals - Practice grounding techniques and self-awareness to manage emotional flashbacks - Identify specific triggers that lead to emotional flashbacks - Enhance awareness and comprehend emotional triggers for healing and recovery

How does childhood betrayal trauma impact an individual's ability to form secure attachments? Tanner underscores the critical role of trust in fostering relational healing and secure attachments, particularly for individuals who have experienced childhood betrayal trauma. He distinguishes between adult and childhood betrayal trauma, highlighting the latter's impact on an individual's ability to form secure attachments due to early caregiver violations of safety. Tanner emphasizes the necessity of understanding past influences on belief systems and the importance of seeking external support to address trust issues effectively. She advocates for active engagement from both partners in the trust-building process, noting that open communication and mutual understanding are key components of recovering from trauma and building a healthy relationship. Additionally, Tanner illustrates how misunderstandings, such as one involving a coat, can be resolved through effective communication, ultimately promoting intimacy and emotional security within partnerships. Trust issues in relationships can be a significant barrier to forming healthy emotional connections, often rooted in past experiences that leave individuals feeling vulnerable and insecure. Tanner, an advocate for understanding the profound impact of betrayal trauma experienced in childhood, highlights how early violations of trust by caregivers can hinder one's ability to form secure attachments in adulthood. With a focus on relational healing, Tanner encourages individuals to recognize trust issues not as personal failings but as residues of past trauma that necessitate a compassionate and informed approach. She underscores the importance of both partners actively engaging in open communication to rebuild trust, fostering an environment of mutual understanding and emotional security. Key TakeAways - Trust is essential for relational healing and intimacy in relationships. - Childhood betrayal trauma can lead to difficulties in forming secure attachments and trusting others. - Addressing trust issues involves understanding interactions and seeking external support. - Feeling safe and secure with a partner is crucial for building trust and achieving secure attachments. - Partners need to actively engage in trust-building exercises to foster healing and growth in relationships. - Effective communication and trust-building are key to resolving misunderstandings and addressing trust issues. - Trust is established through interactions with others, and ongoing effort is required to minimize trust issues and promote intimacy. Actionable Insights - Address trust issues by understanding one's interactions - Seek external support if needed for trust issues - Continually test trust until truly believing the partner is reliable - Both partners need to actively engage in the trust-building process - Understand past influences on belief systems to minimize trust issues - Acknowledge and address potential compassion fatigue in partners of trauma survivors - Prioritize trust, be vulnerable, and promote honest dialogue in relationships

What is the significance of unhealed exiles in relationships according to IFS therapy? Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a non-pathologizing therapeutic model that views individuals as having multiple internal parts, such as managers, firefighters, and exiles, each playing distinct roles in their mental health. The therapy focuses on understanding and communicating with these parts to facilitate healing and growth, with the "self" acting as a non-judgmental listener. Therapists guide clients through this process by helping them recognize and address the protective parts first before moving toward unburdening exiles, which are suppressed parts from adverse childhood experiences. Justin Martin emphasizes the importance of not rushing the healing process, as protective parts need to feel safe and understood before addressing deep-seated traumas. IFS is praised for its client-driven and humanistic approach, contrasting with other modalities like CBT and DBT, and encourages a journey of self-discovery and inner alignment. Justin Martin, a registered mental health intern based in Orlando, Florida, is a passionate advocate for the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapeutic model, which he promotes through his brand "partsofmetherapy." He finds IFS compelling because it acknowledges the existence of different parts within an individual, treating them like a family of sub-personalities that contribute to one's overall mental health. Unlike traditional therapy models such as CBT, Justin appreciates the humanistic and non-pathologizing approach of IFS, which empowers clients to explore their inner conflicts and emotions in a more accepting and transformative manner. He firmly believes that by engaging with these internal parts from a non-judgmental stance, individuals can foster transformative relationships and vibrant ways of living, ultimately enabling them to continue their therapeutic journey independently once they connect with their "self." Justin Martin is a registered mental health intern based in Orlando, Florida, who specializes in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapeutic model. He operates under the brand "Parts of Me Therapy," both on Instagram and his website, to promote this approach. Justin appreciates IFS for its non-pathologizing and humanistic perspective, which views individuals as having multiple internal parts, akin to a family, that can be understood and harmonized. He emphasizes the role of the "self" in IFS, encouraging clients to engage with their internal parts from a non-judgmental stance. Highlighting the autonomy IFS offers, Justin believes that once clients access their "self," they can effectively continue their therapeutic journey independently. Key TakeAways - IFS therapy focuses on understanding the various parts within an individual and their intentions. - The therapist's role in IFS involves facilitating dialogue between different parts of the individual and helping the self emerge as the attachment figure for the parts. - The Internal Family Systems Model explores the roles of manager, firefighter, and exile within an individual's psyche. - Childhood experiences shape the interactions between the manager, exile, and firefighter parts within an individual's inner system. - The Inner Child theory in therapy emphasizes the importance of listening to the exile part without overwhelming it. - Healing involves understanding and addressing the concerns of protective parts before unburdening the exile. - Unhealed exiles can impact relationships and lead individuals to seek healing through partners. Actionable Items - Acknowledge the different Protective Parts within yourself - Understand the roles and intentions of the Protective Parts through therapy - Practice fostering curiosity in self-dialogue to explore inner dynamics - Gain permission from Protective Parts before addressing and healing exiles - Work towards Unburdening and integrating healed exiles for transformative healing - Seek therapy with a practitioner who specializes in Internal Family Systems (IFS) - Prioritize self-awareness and inner work to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships

What is the significance of Trauma-Informed Theory Building? Tanner highlights the importance of using a research-based approach to empower individuals dealing with intense emotions and trauma by collecting and analyzing personal data to create customized action plans for healing. Tanner describes the impact of childhood betrayal trauma on forming "junk theories" that influence self-worth and relationships, suggesting that revising these theories can lead to healthier perspectives and bonds. Tanner also discusses the significance of Trauma-Informed Theory Building by using inductive reasoning to tailor resources that address individual needs, emphasizing the connection between childhood experiences and adult relationship dynamics. Recognizing different trauma responses, such as Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn, is crucial for understanding default behavior patterns and improving relationships affected by childhood trauma. Tanner advises planning positive experiences to manage triggers and promote healing, underscoring the importance of proactive self-care strategies. Attachment Theory and the different types of trauma it encompasses present a rich field of study, shedding light on how early relational experiences shape emotional and psychological responses throughout life. Tanner brings a nuanced perspective to this field, focusing on betrayal trauma within attachment relationships. Her approach is deeply informed by the belief that understanding specific trauma types can significantly enhance personal interactions and intimacy. By identifying one's primary trauma response, Tanner argues that individuals can more effectively utilize research-based resources to navigate their emotional landscapes. Her emphasis on present awareness and integrated responding illustrates a commitment to empowering individuals to manage their triggers and foster healthier relationships. Key TakeAways - Empowering oneself with information is crucial for making informed decisions in coping with intense emotions and trauma-based responses. - Tracking and collecting data relevant to unique circumstances ensures that interventions and resources are beneficial in the healing process. - Recognizing and revising 'junk theories' formed from childhood betrayal trauma is essential for improving relationships and self-perception. - Understanding how different trauma types influence interactions and relationships can aid in making positive changes for healthier connections. - Planning for positive experiences to counteract triggers like binge eating or substance abuse is a proactive self-care strategy that promotes healing and personal growth. - Childhood trauma can significantly impact relationships, shaping responses and interpretations without awareness, highlighting the need for recognizing maladaptive response patterns. - Inductive reasoning and personal data collection play a key role in developing trauma-informed theories that address individual needs and guide healing. Actionable Items - Empower oneself with information to make informed decisions when coping with intense emotions and trauma-based responses - Track and collect data relevant to unique circumstances to ensure interventions and resources are beneficial - Reflect, collect data, and use research-based resources to guide through transformation journey for healing and empowerment - Recognize and revise 'junk theories' developed from childhood betrayal trauma through inductive reasoning - Use Trauma-Informed Theory Building to create personalized theories based on observations and experiences - Identify maladaptive response patterns shaped by early experiences to foster healing and growth in relationships - Plan for positive experiences to prevent maladaptive behaviors when triggered and promote healing 00:16:39 - Empowerment Through Information and Insights Tanner emphasizes the importance of empowering oneself with information to make informed decisions when coping with intense emotions and trauma-based responses. By using a research-based approach, individuals can track and collect data relevant to their unique circumstances, ensuring that interventions and resources are beneficial. Tanner's method involves reflection, data collection, and research-based resources to guide individuals through their transformation journey, ultimately leading to healing and empowerment through new insights and perspectives. This approach aims to eliminate confusion and stress related to childhood betrayal trauma by providing a customized action plan based on individual data collection and analysis.   00:19:53 - Relationship Theories and Childhood Betrayal Trauma Tanner explores the impact of childhood betrayal trauma on developing junk theories that shape interpretations of events, self-worth, and relationships. By discussing the impact of betrayal trauma within attachment relationships, she emphasizes the importance of understanding the psychological and physiological responses to such trauma. This trauma can lead individuals to develop "junk theories" based on their childhood experiences, impacting their current relationships and self-perception. By recognizing and revising these theories through inductive reasoning, individuals can work towards building healthier, more accurate perspectives and improving their ability to form deep, stable bonds with others.   00:22:18 - Trauma-Informed Theory Building Tanner emphasizes the importance of Trauma-Informed Theory Building, focusing on how childhood experiences influence responses and relationships with others. By creating theories based on observations and personal experiences, individuals can tailor resources to meet their specific needs. This approach involves inductive reasoning, where data points inform personalized and trauma-informed theories. Tanner stresses the value of collecting data and monitoring interactions to become experts in their own lives, guiding them towards resources that address individual needs.   00:26:57 - Impact of Childhood Trauma on Relationships Childhood trauma can significantly impact relationships, affecting behaviors and interactions in ways that may not be immediately apparent. Tanner discusses how unresolved trauma can shape our responses and interpretations without our awareness. By exploring betrayal trauma within attachment theory, Tanner reveals the deep psychological and physiological effects of childhood experiences. Recognizing these trauma responses and their impact on interactions is essential for understanding relationships affected by childhood trauma. Resources like Pete Walker's work on complex PTSD can help individuals identify and address maladaptive response patterns developed as survival mechanisms in the past.   00:27:39 - Attachment Theory and Trauma Types Tanner discusses the connection between attachment theory and trauma types, particularly focusing on betrayal trauma within attachment relationships. By linking attachment theory from childhood to adult relationships, Tanner highlights the significance of recognizing how trauma responses differ in attachment contexts. This understanding is crucial for individuals, especially women who excel in various domains but struggle in interpersonal relationships, as childhood betrayal trauma can impact their relationship dynamics. Tanner emphasizes the importance of identifying maladaptive response patterns shaped by early experiences to foster healing and growth in relationships.   00:33:04 - Trauma Types Impacting Intimacy Different trauma types, such as Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn, influence interactions and relationships. Each type has distinct characteristics: Fight types alienate others with angry demands for love, Flight types stay busy to avoid deeper connections, Freeze types numb out or dissociate, and Fawn types overplease to avoid conflict. Recognizing one's trauma type can help individuals understand default behavior patterns and make changes for healthier relationships. Identifying these trauma types can aid in healing and transforming relationships.   00:34:32 - CPTSD as an Attachment Disorder Individuals with CPTSD experience ambivalence towards real intimacy due to childhood survival mechanisms, which manifest through the four F types: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. These defense mechanisms are triggered by closeness and painful emotional flashbacks, reminding them of their childhood struggles without comforting connections. Fight types may push others away with angry demands for unconditional love, while Flight types stay busy to avoid deeper connections, perpetuating a cycle of alienation and longing for connection. This discussion sheds light on how childhood trauma can impact adult relationships and attachment styles, highlighting the importance of understanding and healing from these past experiences to foster healthier connections in the present.   00:45:31 - Reparative Positive Experiences Tanner emphasizes the need to plan for positive experiences to prevent maladaptive behaviors when triggered, like binge eating or substance abuse, which can impede healing and relationships. She suggests activities such as deep stretching, taking a warm bath, or reaching out to a trusted person to counteract triggers. By preparing for these positive experiences, individuals can better handle their emotions and promote healing in a healthy way. Tanner's advice underscores the importance of proactive self-care strategies in managing trauma triggers and fostering personal growth.  

Exploring trauma-driven behaviors in relationships, transforming struggles into learning opportunities, navigating trauma responses, and advocating for healing through analyzing interactions and patterns.

What is the significance of observing moment-by-moment interactions in relationships? Tanner highlights the importance of self-regulation and emotion management in maintaining healthy relationships, emphasizing self-soothing techniques and self-care to handle conflicts and prevent escalation. Her insights into emotional flashbacks and trauma reveal the necessity of understanding one's triggers and developing open dialogues with partners to foster secure and stable attachments. She underscores the significance of observing moment-by-moment interactions to strengthen relationship dynamics, using research-based heuristics to facilitate positive changes and enhance understanding between partners. She advocates for context-specific advice over traditional relationship frameworks, emphasizing the need to adapt strategies to real-life situations, stressing the interplay between thoughts, communication, and context, offering practical approaches to relational healing and the development of secure, supportive partnerships. Relationship frameworks serve as structured approaches to understanding and enhancing the dynamics between partners, focusing on factors such as communication, emotional regulation, and attachment. Tanner offers a unique perspective on these frameworks, arguing that traditional models often fall short in real-life contexts. Her experiences with her partner, Matt, have led her to prioritize moment-by-moment interactions over rigid frameworks, recognizing that each exchange of information contributes to the evolving nature of their relationship. Drawing from her research background, Tanner has developed simple heuristics to better understand and improve these interactions, emphasizing the importance of presence and clarity in building a secure and loving partnership. Key TakeAways - Developing self-regulation and emotion regulation skills is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. - Understanding moment-by-moment interactions is key to building strong relationships. - Context-specific advice and focusing on real-life situations are essential for improving relationships. - Recognizing emotional flashbacks, having open dialogues, and understanding trauma's impact are important for relational healing. - Self-reflection, identifying components that impact relationships, and utilizing relational healing tools are fundamental for the recovery journey. - Observing interactions, studying the interplay between thoughts, communication, and context can lead to a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics. Actionable Insights - Practice self-regulation and emotion regulation in relationships to prevent escalation - Engage in self-soothing practices independently after conflicts to manage overwhelming emotions - Focus on moment-by-moment interactions as building blocks of a strong relationship - Observe, study, and modify interactions to enhance relationship dynamics - Recognize emotional flashbacks from past trauma and communicate with partners about emotional states - Improve self-awareness and communication through self-reflection for relational healing 00:01:15 - Self Regulation in Relationships Tanner emphasizes the importance of self-regulation and emotion regulation in relationships to prevent situations from spiraling out of control and maintain a healthy connection with a partner. Through her own experiences with triggers and conflicts, Tanner highlights the significance of being able to self-soothe and regulate emotions to avoid escalating disagreements. She also emphasizes the value of self-care practices, such as engaging in full-body healing modalities independently to manage overwhelming emotions after a serious fight. Developing these skills and strategies can help individuals build secure attachments with their partners and foster healthier, more stable relationships.   00:06:37 - Core Components of Relationship Building Tanner discusses the core components of relationship building, emphasizing the importance of understanding moment-by-moment interactions as the building blocks of a strong relationship. She highlights the significance of exchanging information in relationships and how these interactions can lead to insights and positive change. Tanner draws upon her research background to develop heuristics and frameworks to improve relationship dynamics, stressing the need to observe, study, and modify interactions to enhance outcomes. By focusing on these core components, individuals can gain clarity about their relationships and work towards building secure connections and love with their partners.   00:11:24 - Relationship Frameworks Tanner emphasizes the limitations of relationship frameworks and emphasizes the importance of context-specific advice for improving relationships. She discovered that traditional relationship advice lacked practical guidance for real-life situations, prompting her to apply her research methods to studying interactions with her partner. By focusing on moment-by-moment exchanges of information, Tanner developed a heuristic model to enhance understanding and facilitate positive changes in her relationship. This approach enabled her to observe, learn, and modify her interactions with her partner to ultimately improve their connection and growth together.   00:17:52 - Interaction Effects in Communication Thoughts, communication, and context interact to create an effect in communication and relationships. Tanner observed interactions with her partner, Matt, noting instances where thoughts were not verbalized, communication was poorly executed, and words were spoken without much thought. These observations led Tanner to recognize the impact of contextual factors on their exchanges, such as who was present and what had occurred before and after a conversation. Through these realizations, Tanner developed a framework to study the interplay between thoughts, communication, and context, ultimately leading to a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics.   00:27:23 - Relational Healing Journey The journey towards relational healing involves recognizing emotional flashbacks, developing open dialogues with partners, and understanding the impact of trauma on interactions. Tanner emphasizes the importance of recognizing emotional flashbacks from past trauma that can impact present interactions, exiting triggering situations, and communicating with partners about emotional states. She also discusses the significance of having open dialogues with partners who are aware of emotional triggers and can offer support during difficult moments, showcasing a deeper level of relational healing. Furthermore, Tanner explains that true relational healing involves moving past emotional flashbacks and trusting that imperfections do not signify betrayal, ultimately leading to a sense of safety and security in relationships.   00:30:04 - Relational Healing Tools Understanding oneself as a trauma survivor, mapping interactions, and identifying components that impact relationships are fundamental steps in the recovery journey. By learning about how trauma influences thoughts and behaviors, individuals can begin the process of relational healing. Inserting tools and perspectives into interactions can enhance self-awareness and improve communication, leading to reparative emotional experiences that allow for secure attachments and reduce trauma responses that hinder stable relationships. Through self-reflection and the utilization of relational healing tools, individuals can work towards a life of security, safety, and emotional well-being.

How can personal responsibility and commitment aid in the transformation journey? Tanner discusses strategies for high-achieving women to gain clarity and make informed decisions in life and relationships. She introduces a data-based framework that emphasizes experiential learning to build strong partnerships and overcome past traumas, while highlighting the importance of surrounding oneself with safe, trustworthy individuals. Tanner stresses the significance of personal responsibility and commitment in the transformation journey, advocating for self-care and empowerment to achieve stable relationships and a fulfilling life. Tanner also emphasizes accountability, urging individuals to engage in activities like journaling and forming support networks to aid personal growth. Additionally, she provides insights on selecting the right therapist, especially for those dealing with childhood betrayal trauma, emphasizing the need for specialized knowledge and secure emotional experiences. The therapeutic relationship is a crucial component in the journey of healing and personal transformation, serving as a foundation for individuals to explore, understand, and overcome their challenges. Tanner, drawing from his own less-than-ideal experiences with therapists, underscores the importance of cultivating a strong therapeutic bond characterized by empathy, emotional attunement, and open communication. He advocates for individuals to take an active role in selecting a therapist who can provide corrective emotional experiences and act as a secure attachment figure, which is vital for recovery and well-being. Tanner also emphasizes the importance of thorough research and personal accountability in the therapeutic process, encouraging people to prioritize safe and trusting relationships that facilitate healing and transformation. Key TakeAways - Taking ownership of one's learning process is crucial for success on a transformation journey. - Building a customized actionable knowledge base about improving partnerships is essential. - Partnering with safe individuals is important for building a successful and fulfilling life. - Self-care and empowerment play a significant role in the healing and transformation journey. - Accountability and personal responsibility are key in the transformation process. - Completing homework assignments aids personal growth and transformation. - Finding a therapist specializing in childhood betrayal trauma is crucial for proper treatment. Actionable Insights - Take ownership of your learning process to succeed in your transformation journey - Build a circle of safe, healthy, validating, and trustworthy individuals for wise decisions and fulfillment - Commit to consistency, perseverance, and self-care in your healing and transformation journey - Completing homework assignments aids personal growth and transformation - Find a therapist specializing in childhood betrayal trauma for safe and secure emotional experiences - Choose a therapist based on specialty, training, licensing, fees, insurance, empathy, and personal therapy experience - Engage in evidence-based therapeutic practices and take ownership of your therapeutic journey 00:01:51 - Transformation Journey Methodology Tanner shares a data-based methodology to help high-achieving women gain clarity, make wise decisions about marriages, and build a fulfilling life. Through her experience with two marriages, she emphasizes the importance of taking ownership of one's learning process to succeed on a transformation journey. She teaches a holistic data-based methodology that equips individuals with a repeatable framework to build a customized actionable knowledge base about improving partnerships. By emphasizing experiential learning and hands-on activities, Tanner aims to guide women towards building a fulfilling life through clarity and wisdom gained from overcoming past traumas and making informed decisions.   00:06:55 - Safe Partnerships Tanner emphasizes the importance of partnering with safe individuals, especially for those who have experienced childhood betrayal trauma, in building a successful and fulfilling life. Safe people do not manipulate with negative emotions, do not abandon you during challenges, ask open-ended questions, and prioritize understanding your experiences. Building a circle of safe, healthy, validating, and trustworthy individuals is crucial for making wise decisions and achieving fulfillment.   00:14:01 - Self-care and Empowerment Tanner emphasizes self-care and empowerment in the journey of healing and transformation, emphasizing the importance of taking ownership of one's healing process. By committing to consistency and perseverance, individuals can strive for stable relationships and a sense of purpose. Tanner suggests creating a "Safe Peeps committee," being mindful of emotions, and investing time and energy into actions for personal growth and clarity. Taking charge of the learning process and actively seeking healing can empower individuals to make informed decisions and achieve transformation.   00:20:41 - Accountability and Doing the Work Tanner emphasizes the importance of accountability and personal responsibility in the transformation journey. Individuals must commit to doing the work independently to achieve clarity and wisdom. Engaging in homework assignments fosters personal growth and understanding. Tanner encourages her audience to take ownership of their goals and challenges them to show up and do the work, highlighting the significance of self-initiated learning and understanding in the transformation process. By creating a private accountability group and offering additional support, Tanner aims to guide individuals towards healing and empowerment, emphasizing that true transformation requires personal commitment and effort.   00:24:44 - Homework Assignments for Transformation Tanner emphasizes the significance of completing homework assignments to aid personal growth and transformation, such as journaling, photo documentation, forming a safe peeps committee, and improving emotional awareness. These tasks help with self-reflection, expressing internal changes, establishing a support network, and understanding emotional reactions. By actively participating in these assignments, individuals can achieve clarity, make informed choices, and ultimately improve their lives. Tanner's dedication to offering guidance and support highlights the importance of taking responsibility for one's path to healing and growth.   00:29:37 - Therapist Selection Criteria Tanner provides recommendations on finding a therapist specializing in childhood betrayal trauma and emphasizes the importance of therapists offering safe, secure emotional experiences. She highlights the significance of selecting a therapist with expertise in this area, as it requires specific knowledge for proper treatment. Tanner also stresses the need for therapists to provide corrective emotional experiences and serve as secure attachments for individuals seeking healing from past traumas. By outlining evidence-based therapeutic practices that are likely to be helpful for those with childhood betrayal trauma, Tanner offers valuable insights for individuals in need of therapy.   00:35:15 - Choosing a Therapist Tanner emphasizes the importance of choosing a therapist based on factors like specialty, training, licensing, fees, insurance, empathy, and personal therapy experience. She shares negative therapy experiences to highlight the importance of finding a therapist who is emotionally attuned, willing to engage in conversation, and capable of modeling vulnerability. Tanner also discusses evidence-based therapeutic practices for individuals with childhood betrayal trauma, encouraging thorough research before making a decision. Ultimately, he stresses the need for individuals to take ownership of their therapeutic journey and choose a therapist that best fits their healing process.