Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman

The first 5 years are your child’s life are crucial when it comes to parenting. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman lists out 3 necessities to teach your kids before age 5.   **Special Offer– Oct 1 – 14: Under the Sheets ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: On today’s episode we get to ask Dr. Leman, what are the three necessities, the three essentials that I must teach my kid before they’re age five? Because he’s told me that by age five that cement is starting to get hardened. Hi, I’m Dr. Penny. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, we want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman, you’ve told us that by age five, X% of a kid’s personality is set, but I want to know what are those three key essentials that I need to get into my kids before they turn age five. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Well, that concept comes out of the thought of children are like wet cement. If you’ve ever worked with wet cement or seen someone work with it, it does harden up pretty quickly and so it is with the personalities of our kids. If you want to put this to test in your life, here’s a suggestion around the dinner table. Parents, ask your son or daughter that’s a teenager to describe themselves as a little kid, and just sit back and listen. And listen to the adjectives that they use to describe their personality. And then ask yourself the question, “Did they not just name and enumerate the qualities that they now have at 15, 16, 17 years of age?” Dr. Leman: The little boy or little girl you once were folks, you still are. You learn to be the human being you are in the first five, six years of life. So almost all of your personality is formed that early. And that’s why we’re addressing this today on our podcast because it’s really important. I’ve said for years, don’t start habits with your children that you don’t want to have continue throughout your kids’ college and postgraduate years. Dr. Leman: So at age two, about 20 to 40% of your kid’s personality is already formed. That’s frightening. Three, 60%. Four, 80%. Five, nearly 100%. So we take this topic on today. And by the way, just for everyone’s enjoyment. I hate the question that Doug asked me today. It’s name the three. Let me tell you, it could be name the 17 things that are important to teach your child before they harden up, so to speak. But I’m going to take a stab at it only because I love Doug and his pretty wife Andrea, okay? Dr. Leman: So, I’m going to start… This is like junior Jeopardy. If you’ve been watching Jeopardy, these guys are pretty smart. Man, they’re smarter than I am. I usually get the $200, the $100 answer once during the whole broadcast. But I won’t go into that. So I would say number one is you have to establish your authority as a parent in the home with that child that’s under five. Well, what does that mean? It means you’re not their friend, you’re not their best buddy, you’re not their playmate. You’re mom, you’re dad. You come with a presence of love and acceptance and all the hugs and kisses and all those things. Please, I’m not taking anything out away. Do that as much as you want, but you have to learn as kids develop before your very eyes, what’s developmentally appropriate behavior and what isn’t. Dr. Leman: Now again, many times when parents read my book, Have a New Kid by Friday, which is pretty action oriented, I think they get ahead of themselves. They think that their two-year old is going to do everything they ask them to do in double time and salute them as well. It doesn’t work that way with two-year olds. The kid just begins to get powerful around age 18 months and that’s when he begins to, and she begins to look at life from behind their rose colored glasses, or at least their skewed blends, and they see life as, “My playground. I’m the center of the universe. I want. It’s mine.” And you’ll get the mine, all the way through the threes. So kids are very hedonistic. Dr. Leman: So our job in establishing authority is to teach kids that other people count in life and need to be treated accordingly. So back to some specifics. Do you let a 17-month old hit you or a 19-month old hit you? No you don’t. Well, what do you do, Leman? You hold their arms. You’re the adult. Act like an adult, “Honey, we don’t hit people.” So you’re always teaching. And this is three steps forward and two behind. Go back to my earlier statement. This isn’t the military. You don’t issue a dictate and the kids follow in. It takes training. And because different kids come into this world with different mindsets, sort of a build-in personality if you will genetically, you’ve got kids that come out of the womb strong-willed. They got a little bit more fight in them than the guy next to them. So is there an art form to all this? It is. But I think overall number one is establishing your authority. Dr. Leman: Again, that means you’re not an authoritarian, you’re not permissive. And this means… because these kids are so entertaining, for example, in the twos. They do such cute and funny things. But what you laugh at at two, will you laugh at at four, will you laugh at at six. So again, you’re always in a position where you’re discerning, “Okay, what’s within the boundaries here and what’s out of bounds?” So you begin essentially to discipline children early when a child is playing with something they shouldn’t be playing with or something that might be dangerous, like an electrical outlet. You move quickly, you admonish a child, but you picked him up, you physically removed them from the scene. So anyway, for starters, number one in general, I would say establish authority in the home. Doug: This is kind of a hard concept right now, right? Authority, that sounds like a bad word almost. And I got a crush my kid by being this authority in their life? That sounds harsh. Dr. Leman: If you’re an authoritarian, you’ll crush your kid. You’ll tell them what to do, how to do it, and do it on a double. That’s the authoritarian model. Here’s the problem. All of us essentially grew up in an authoritarian environment. If you’re really a young mom today, you’re that 20 year old, 21, 22-year-old mo, maybe your home was not that authoritarian. My guess would be it would be more permissive, because we have certainly moved traditionally from our authoritarian stance to one of permissiveness. And so again, if you love your child, you’ll discipline them. Now, you might not be familiar with biblical concepts, but that is a biblical concept. That if you love your child, you will discipline them. Well, how do you discipline a two year old? I mean, do you swat them on the bottom? I don’t think that’s good. I think you’re just going to make them a more powerful kid. Dr. Leman: But I think you give them the look, a look of disapproval, you pick them up, you may move them from the scene. Sometimes you put them in a little playpen, which reminds me of the old song Don’t fence me in. There’s something great about fencing in a kid quite frankly. There’s a time where a kid realizes, “Hey, wait, you’re way over bouncy. You need time just to settle down.” And so that’s part of the disciplinary process. But as kids get into the threes and the fours, trust me, they know what they’re doing. I mean, they’re setting you up. They’re playing you like a violin. So being an authority is always part of being loving and empathetic. So we’re not taking any of that away from you parent, okay? We’re just saying you just can’t get frustrated. You’re the adult. You have to control your emotions. And kids will test your emotions and your patience and if you just strike out at your child, then you’re certainly going down the wrong path quickly. Doug: What would be the second one? Dr. Leman: Well, I made some notes as we were talking about this and I said, “How important is listening?” Most of us as adults are not good listeners, and here I am saying that number two behind established authority is to teach kids to listen. Well, we train kids essentially in our society not to listen. How do we do that? Well, we do it by telling most kids at least three times when we ask a question. And we say, “Honey, would you do this?” Or it’s time to get ready or turn off the television or pick up your shoes or whatever the command might be. The kids sort of train us to say it three times. I’ve asked kids straight out how many times doe it take for mom or dad to get you to do something. Most kids will say three. Dr. Leman: One kid, I’ll never forget him, he said, “The first time is sort of a general alert. The second one is she raises the voice a little bit more and a third time, oh, you can see it in her eyes. She means business.” And so we try and kids not to listen to us and what I’m saying is it’s important that you get kids’ attention, that you look them in the eye, that you drop to the knees. If there’s a problem, you need to talk about it and you’re going to speak the truth in love. I know you’re talking to a two year old or three year old or a four year old, but again, keep in mind once a kid hits 18 months, they know what they’re doing. They engage in what we call purposive behavior. It serves a purpose in their life. It might be just as simple a mantra in the kid’s mind as, “I want things done the way I want things done.” Dr. Leman: So in the mix of all this is remember you’re training up a kid to realize that other people count in life. That’s why you say to a three year old, “Honey, thank you for sharing that with your little sister.” You know what I’m saying? This is not a one, two, three, here it is. This is an ongoing shaping of the child’s behavior, attitude, as they unfold through the developmental years. Doug: Training a child to listen sounds impossible. Is there something that you’d say like you’ll know that your kid is listening when they do blah? Dr. Leman: Well, listen, women tell me all the time getting their husbands to listen to is impossible. So there’s nothing earth shattering about you saying getting a kid to listen to difficult. Well, I’ve talked to Andrea off the air. Andrea: Shall we talk about this now? Dr. Leman: As men, we’re not great listeners. Women are much more intuitive listeners. They are much more relational than we are. So what I’m saying is this isn’t everyday process. “Honey listen, it’s really important that you listen to mommy. When we come to a street, we stop, okay?” And you got to be firm on that. There are certain things you’re just a little bit more firm than you are another. But whenever a kid safety is at risk, you must act quickly. I don’t care what you have to do to get that kid to not run in the street? You can tackle them for all I care. Just don’t let them run on that street. So sometimes you got to get kids’ attention. And remember, keep in mind parents that your kid wants to please you. Let them please you. And so you respond in kind, “Oh thank you Thomas, for helping mommy. That is such a big help. Thank you for picking up your toys.” Dr. Leman: And you know, “You’re such a big boy now. I love the way you helped your little sister today.” So you’re always slipping kids, what I call commercial announcements. You’re just reaffirming that they are helpful and considerate and they are listening. “Thank you for listening to mommy.” He stopped beating his baby brother with your slipper. “Thank you for listening to mommy. We don’t have to go to the ER today again.” Whatever it is, keep in mind that… Again, we’ve said it so many times, but you’re the best teacher your child’s ever going to have. So you love on them, you hug them and you rub their backs. You do all those things parents do. The tactical stimulation is really, really important, but they have to know there’s limits and kids will get silly and if you give some kids an inch, they’ll take a mile on it, you know that. Dr. Leman: So again, we’re asking you to sort of be a junior shrink in a sense in ferreting out, all right, what’s appropriate, what’s inappropriate? Again, that’s a tough call for parents. That’s not always easy to know what’s appropriate, what isn’t. But if you feel like you’re being used in this situation by your three year old, you know that that kid is over the limit. Andrea: I notice in the process of teaching them to listen you actually use the word with the child you need to listen. And I wonder if sometimes we overlook something so simple like that as even in teaching the concept like actually saying you need to listen and teaching them with value that I don’t know, maybe they understand it better if there’s actually that word built into the conversation. Dr. Leman: How did you do with getting James, the first born to listen in your home? Andrea: That’s a good question. I don’t know. Dr. Leman: [crosstalk] he’s a pretty rural-oriented kid, isn’t he? Doug: Right. Yeah, that what I was about the say. I think we sat him down and said, “James, at times you need to listen.” A different child has a tough time listening. And you know the way we got him to listen was to say, “Notice how you don’t let others talk when you’re talking.” Like we would actually talk to them like we would an adult, and eventually it paid off for us. And now he’s a great listener. And I also just admitted that I was a bad listener too. So you know- Dr. Leman: Well, and sometimes there’s natural happenings in life that teach people things. I think of the flat cat, this little family’s black and white cat. Well to put [inaudible] he got run over. It was not a pretty sight, but I remember the mom talking to the little one about how kitty would have been alive today if kitty would have stopped and look both ways before kitty crossed the street. So sometimes even those tragedies and families such as losing a pet like that can be a teachable moment for kids and they can begin to hook up in their mind, “I think it’s important to listen to what mom and dad have to say.” Doug: I have a funny story to tell you now that you said that, how we taught our kids to do this. When we had a story series called Buddy the bull frog and Stan, and this was Stan’s name, Stan the boy who won’t listen or obey his mom. And the story is his mother would always tell him what to do and he would always poo poo it and do the opposite and get stuck and in trouble. So that’s how we [crosstalk] Andrea: These were actually Doug’s made up stories. So if anybody tries to Google that, you probably won’t find them. Doug: So your flat cat story, we used it in a different way. Andrea: Yeah. What helps Douglas and Andrea? Doug: [inaudible] “You’re not listening to me. I need you to listen to me.” Dr. Leman: Yeah, a direct approach. I always tell women, if you want your husband to pay attention to you, touch them. Doug: Oh yeah. Dr. Leman: He’ll tune in usually. Andrea: And Doug reminds me of that. Dr. Leman: And sometimes it means taking your husband’s cherub like face in your hands and saying, “Hey listen, this is important. You really have to understand that your daughter went to bed really angry last night because of what you said and you need to have a little pow-wow with her quickly. That’s just my suggestion. You do what you want, Doug. But it’s just my suggestion. But you need to know she was very upset with you last night.” So you slip them a commercial announcement and then you back off. So it is with kids. Those of you who are listening to the podcast right now, if you love being told what to do, please put your hand up. Yeah, that’s what I thought. That’s what I thought. Dr. Leman: People don’t like being told what to do. My wife is a master at this. I wish she’d be more direct because she drives me nuts with this. She’ll say things like, “Oh boy, that backyard doesn’t look really neat, does it?” Then she’ll walk away. You know I heard it, I got the message, and I’m looking at the yard and I’m thinking, “It looks fine to me. What’s wrong with it?” I’ve got to chase her down. “Well don’t you see that bag over there on the corner on the yard?” “Oh yeah, I do. Now I see it.” I didn’t see it before. It’s a bag. It’s a paper bag. It’s crumpled up, it blew in the yard, there it is. But I’ve got to go through mental gymnastics to find out just what part of… That’s how she is. She’s so gentle. I wish she’d be much more direct and say, “Hey big guy. See that bag out there? Go get it now. Go.” “Woof.” “Go. I’ll get you a treat when you come back.” “Woof woof.” “Here. Sit on your hind legs.” “Okay, I got it.” Andrea: So is it more respectful then to actually be specific when you’re telling somebody what you need from them? Dr. Leman: I think so. I think if you’d say to your husband, “Hey honey, you know what would really mean a lot to me today? And I know you’ve had a hard week, but you know what, that backyard is really… It needs a little attention. And I don’t know if you’re up to it or not, if you want to hire the kid down the street, or if you want to get one of the kids to help you with that, but it sure would be great because we got the Williams coming next weekend. It’s that kind of approach I think most men would buy into. Doug: Okay. Now we’re into men and we’re supposed to be talking about five year olds. So now you’re helping Doug and Andrea. My job is to bring us back to the kid part of this. So before we get to point number three, I just want to make sure that I get this in, because I’ll forget this at times and I would be remiss. I have an ebook promotion for all of you from Baker Books, and the one that you have available to you right now is called Under The Sheets, and you can get it October one to October 14 of 2019 for a $1.99. So Under The Sheets, October one to 14 of 2019 for $1.99. Dr. Leman, what is Under The Sheets about? Dr. Leman: That’s a frisky little book to tell you truth. It’s a very straightforward blunt look at physical intimacy in marriage. If you can read that book without getting frisky, I think there’s something wrong with you to tell you the truth. So if you struggle in that area, or maybe you don’t struggle in that area but your mate does, then I would say buy that book. Don’t make any fanfare about it, leave it in the reading room of your home and see if it disappears. My guess is it will disappear and be devoured. So for $1.99, if you struggle in that area, you can’t beat Under The Sheets. It’s very, very explicit. Any question I think that you would have about sex is probably covered in that book, the great majority. It can’t cover everything I guess, but the great majority of questions that couples would have that I’ve found in my 40 years of working with couples, you’ll find in that book. Doug: Awesome. Under The Sheets, October one to 14 of 2019, get it wherever you get your ebook stuff. And now a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know, when I talk to parents about discipline, I hear about timeout and restrictions and taking privileges away and grounded and all that. I get it. I understand that. But on our podcast we spend so much time talking about what relationships, it’s all about relationships. Business is about relationships. Marriage is about relationships. Parenthood is about relationships. And so if you could discover a couple of ways to be economical with your words and your time and cut down your stress, would you buy it? See, I think we miss every day an opportunity when it comes to discipline. I call it relational discipline. I teach our teachers in our school, Leman Academy of Excellence, and by the way, we’ve put authority in the classroom teacher’s hands, which allows the teacher to have a relationship with those kids because they realize she’s not a pushover, she’s not a permissive teacher, but she’s not an autocratic, punitive I know everything you know nothing, but she is an authority. Dr. Leman: Well, in the home parent, you are the authority. And so the words you choose to use your kids can really help when it comes to relational discipline. When you are in a situation where the kids are just acting terrible, two of them, both of them, one’s worse than the other. And you walk in and you get their attention, they see you and they stop, and their eyes turn toward you. You can say something, believe it or not, as simple as, “Hey, I’m very disappointed of what’s going down here.” Turn your back and go back to the room you came from and do what you were doing. Now ask yourself the question, “How do my kids feel at that point?” If they’re good kids, they’re not happy. They don’t like it when mom’s unhappy. Dr. Leman: You’ve raked coles over them as I like to say. They’re looking at each other and they’re disappointed in themselves because they know what they were doing was wrong. And that’s probably going to spur a comment from one or both of them to the effect of, “Mom, I’m sorry about what happened.” And life goes on. But what I’m telling you is just simple words like, “I’m disgusted, I’m disappointed, I’m very unhappy.” And then walking away. It pulls the trigger. You don’t have to yell, you don’t have to scream, you don’t have to name call. All you have to do is articulate your feelings. I’m crushed. I’m sad. Anything. Just slip them that commercial announcement and walk away. Trust me, that is good relational discipline. Doug: Howdy Dr. Leman, we’ve gotten our first two, what would our third one be? Dr. Leman: Well, I’ve thought about this quite a bit actually, and I came up with this. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. That reeks of consistency, and by the way, when we talked earlier about establishing authority, it’s really important and I hope it’s just super obvious that mom and dad must be on the same page. If you’re a single parent and listening to us, I would say make sure that you are extremely consistent with how you deal with your kids. And let your yes be yes and your no be no, I think helps number two and that is train kids to listen to you. I think when they know that when you say no, they’re not going to come by and bug you 14 times. They only come by and bug you 14 times when you waiver. When you say, “No, you are absolutely not doing that.” And then you cave in five hours later and give them permission to go to wherever they wanted to go and give them $20 for spending money to boot. Dr. Leman: You got to be careful here. It also says think before you engage in that yes or no. I think a great answer for kids these days, if you’re a parent is, “Honey, let me talk to dad or mom about that. Let me have some time to think about it. And in fact on that one I’d like to pray about it. So if I got back to you tomorrow, would that be good? Could we talk about it again?” Again, most kids will accept that because you’re being respectful, you’re listening to them, but don’t always feel like you have to pony up that yes or no immediately. Now again, I know kids are hedonistic. Our little granddaughter [inaudible] oh my goodness. Her parents wouldn’t drive her to a fair they had on the other side of town, which was about a 45-minute drive. And both of them have very busy schedules, and it was a Sunday evening, schools the next day, and both of them said no. Dr. Leman: Well, what does granddaughter do? She gets on the phone. She tried to find grandma, but grandma wasn’t available. So she started with grandpa. She would always start with grandma first because grandma’s an easy touch. Grandpa’s not the easy touch that grandma is. And I just told her, I said, “Honey, I wish I could help you out, but honey I really can’t.” And then of course, eventually she got grandma and even grandma, old softhearted turned her down and said, “Honey, next week if you want me to take you someplace, I’d be glad to.” Dr. Leman: But, “Oh no, it has to happen right now because my girlfriends are going over there.” I mean that’s the immediacy of kids thinking. And I’m just saying as a parent, you got to slow that down. You know that. You just can’t cave and try to attend to every need your kid has because what they need is not really a need. It’s what they want. There’s a difference of what you want and what you need. So that’s called a sermon folks, and that’s why God gave us parents. And that’s your job to be a good parent, not a great parent, just a good parent and I’ll be happy. Doug: Well I appreciate your yes be yes and no be no because I also heard you say don’t ever promise your kids anything. So I’ve learned it’s come back to bite me multiple times that I’ve promised and not come through. So I hear your words in my ears, but I really like how you say give yourself 24 hours or 48 hours. You don’t have to do what they’re demanding right now so that you don’t have to regret it later, including promises. So that’s a great one. Dr. Leman: Some parents are thinking, well what’s wrong with promising a kid something, and give them something to look forward to? Well, there’s a lot of wrong with it for this reason. Is your car going to be working? Is it going to be raining? Does somebody have the flu in the family? I mean, don’t go there. You don’t have to promise kids things. You can always say, “Honey we’re going to take it a day at a time. We’ll see what the weekend brings. Who knows? Maybe we’ll be able to pull that off.” So don’t paint yourself in the corner, is what I’m saying? Doug: Great. Well, and [crosstalk] Andrea: okay, so the three essential or necessities that Dr. Leman says we should have trained in our kids before they are five would be establish authority as a parent. Train them to listen to you and let your yes be yes and your no be no. Doug: Great. Andrea: And people are thinking, “Well wait a minute, where is making sure your child feels like they’re loved and they’re accepted?” That’s all a part of what we just talked about. That’s a given. As you establish authority in that home, again, love and discipline go up. They go hand in hand. Those early years are important and that’s why we did that podcast today just to emphasize those early few years. Those are the developmental years. They mean a lot. Doug: I’m really glad that you talked about that love and discipline go hand in hand and again for all of you new parents that are out there, this is why I’m begging you to go get the book Making Children Mine Without Losing Yours and Have A New Kid by Friday. Because it just gives you peace of heart on what you need to do and don’t need to do so that you can love those kids and do the right discipline without all this confusion back and forth, up and down. You will thank me a bazillion, trust me. It resolves so many unnecessary confusing things in your life. It’s so pays off in those first five years, I can’t even tell you if you can do those first five years after reading those books the way Dr. Leman suggests. Doug: We love the teenage years. So I’m begging you, please go get the books for yourself and read them. Well, it was great to be with you today. Quick reminder under the sheets, October one to 14 of 2019, get it for $1.99 eBooks, wherever you get them, and we look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Bye bye.

On today’s “Ask Dr. Leman,” the question is raised: “Are parents really the cause of powerful children, or are powerful children just born that way?” Listen in to hear Dr. Leman’s clarification to a skeptical mother.   **Special Offer– Oct 1 – 7: Under the Sheets ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: So, Dr. Leman, you think you are so smart do you? Well, today we get to ask a question. Actually, a listener asks a question. “Is you right or is you wrong about powerful children come from a powerful parent?” That seems a little harsh to me, but at least that’s what the listener says. We get to ask Dr. Leman that question. Hi. I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are with us. Really, like we are genuinely glad that you would take the time to invest in your children. Kudos to you. Great job. If it is your first time with us, we want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you, or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Today, this is one of the best questions we have ever, ever, ever been given to us, and it is someone, Grace, saying I think you are W-R-O-N-G Dr. Leman, and I am looking forward to her proving Dr. Leman right. So, let’s jump into today’s question. Grace: Hello Dr Leman, love your resources and appreciate the podcasts and books you’ve written. I would just like to get some more information on something I’ve heard you say a few times on your podcast, that if there is a powerful child then it was created by either the husband or the wife is authoritative in nature, or powerful themselves. In reading your book, Parenting a Powerful Child, you say that every family has one. So I’m just kind of curious as to, if that’s the case if there could be a family of several children but only one of the children is powerful is it the parents that created that? To me it seems like some children just are born with a stronger will, or more argumentative nature, than others? Grace: It doesn’t sit well with me where I hear you say that it’s the parents that created the powerful child. To me that seems like some dispositions of children are just stronger, or harder to deal with, than others. Is it really the parents that created that in the way of their behavior, or is it true that some children are just more difficult than others? I’d just like to hear you expound on this, because the few times that I’ve heard it feels so defeating when it’s like the parents created the powerful child, where to me I’m thinking that some children are just harder to parent than others. What are your thoughts on that? Thanks. Dr. Leman: Well, let me say that based on that buildup Mr. Terpening just gave us, I thought you were going to let us have it with both barrels, but I think you lived up to your name, Grace. You were very graceful. Here’s what you have to understand. I’m glad you’re reading that book, by the way. Let’s talk about dispositions and temperaments for just a second. Is it true that people are born with a temperament? Yes. People have different temperaments. Kids have different temperaments. Are kids more wired? Are they, … Well some people will say strong-willed. I want every child to be strong-willed, but you get my drift that, yeah, kids come with different dispositions. Some kids are very laid back. Some kids eat their meals like they’ve never seen food before, and others poke at it and take forever. Some are just pokey eaters. Everybody is different. Dr. Leman: Given that, let’s go back to what fuels a powerful child. So let’s say a kid is … Well, we can use strong-willed. I think people understand what that means. You’ve got a strong-willed kid who tends to be maybe opinionated, but why when you say, “The sky is blue,” he says “It’s not blue, it’s actually a turquoise?” Why does he have to have the last word? Where does that come from? Dr. Leman: See, I think kids develop a lifestyle, and by that I’m not talking about the car they drive someday, or the house they live in, or the clothes they wear. By lifestyle, how they look at life, “I only count life when I gain attention. When I put others in my service, when I’m in control, when I dominate, when I win.” I want to make the point with you, Grace, that I, in my 40 some years of doing this with families, have seen very powerful kids who come from seemingly very meek and mild parents, parents who at the surface do not seem powerful. In fact, they’re the ones that say, “Oh, listen, no, I don’t care. No, you take the Turkey breast, I’ll just have the Turkey neck. I’m fine.” They are the nicest people in the world. They would give you the shirt off of their back, but in that softness of that personality, there’s a point where that person knows exactly how things ought to be done. I believe that people, adults, … Dr. Leman: I stand on my statement. Are there exceptions to things in psychology and behavior? There are plenty of exceptions, so to say, this is lockstep 100% would be foolish of me to say, okay. Maybe that’s the reason why you called in, because that’s what you appear me to be saying. There’s exceptions to everything, but clearly across the board powerful children learn to be powerful. It’s dominance, it’s winning, it’s “I dominated.” It’s not we, it’s not you, it’s all about me, and that behavior itself is a learned behavior, and they learn it from a powerful parent. Dr. Leman: Again, just keep in mind when I said. Some powerful parents on the surface are very sweet and, like I say, they’re very giving and they’re soft spoken, but cross them and see what happens. Take a measurement of their stubbornness. Are they people who sees things in just black and white terms and gray is not available to their sight? Across the board … Again, I’m going to stand on that statement, if you have a powerful child, there’s a powerful parent nearby. Or, we could go to a grandfather or an uncle, someone who had a profound impact on that kid’s life. Dr. Leman: Power is set up where a child sees weakness in someone around them, so they could even see weakness in a parent and take advantage of that and create a powerful situation. There are situations where a parent could be so weak and so loosey-goosey, for lack of a better term, that a kid just sees the opportunity to take over and voraciously devours the parent because the parent has not had standards, but I don’t think you’ll see a powerful child overtake parents who have firm guidelines in their life. That’s why we preach on our podcast to be firm, have limits, expect the best of your kids. Dr. Leman: I don’t know how much I needed to defend myself on that. I don’t think a great deal. Keep in mind that all families are different, all kids are different. I’ll give you all that, but the reality is if you have a powerful child the way to deal with that child is not in a powerful way, because you will spawn more power in the child by just being powerful. So, the techniques that you will read, Grace, in parenting your powerful child will help you sidestep the powerful moves that your son or daughter is making in your home. Well, Andrea and Doug, what do you think? Andrea: Well, I was just wondering, one of the last things you said was sometimes power is set up when a child sees weakness in someone around them, and I was wondering if a super-permissive parent, are they powerful at all or are they just maybe in that sense the weak person that’s letting that child take over? Dr. Leman: That’s an interesting observation because some people are so, … I don’t want to disparage Fred Rogers. I love Mr. Rogers, but some people are just so gentle spirited that a kid for whatever reason will see, and maybe this goes back to temperament, that there’s a need to walk in and walk over and use that parent. The parent not feeling good about themselves and feeling like they have to acquiesce to their powerful child, they have to, becomes fair prey for that child. I mean, you do see situations like that once in a while. It’s unusual to find both parents who are that laid back. It’s much more common to find one parent who is much stronger than the other. So, I don’t know, it’s an interesting question. I’ve never claimed to have all the answers to life, and this is one that people could debate till the cows come home. Doug: What I hear, the theme throughout all of this is, whatever subject we’re talking about is you’re saying, “Your kids are an outcome of what you are doing.” You just said something very interesting there at the end that I want to explore is that if you don’t feel good about yourself you’re going to parent in a bad way. How important is that last statement when you said, “If we don’t feel good about ourselves we’re liable to create powerful children around us?” Can you connect the dots on those two things for us? Dr. Leman: If you don’t feel well about yourself, you’re going to allow people to take advantage of you. Let’s start with some basics about kids. They’re hedonistic little suckers, all of them. They don’t come out with any social interest. They don’t care about anybody else. We have a grandchild right now where everything is mine. Mine, it’s mine. It’s a stage, it’s part of growing up. So, we help shape the kids in the direction that we think would be productive, and healthy, and all that. But again, God loved us enough to give us all free will. We get to choose to do, and act, like we want to. But what I’m saying is that the environment, that is the environment that all of us grew up in which is basically our family, shaped our spirit, our personality, how we view life. I’ve said many times, power in a child did not come from drinking the water that we serve in our home. It came from behavioral interactions with those that are closest to us. I don’t know if that sheds any light on that or not. Doug: Yeah, it totally does. It’s the hard reality that I created it. Now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: One of the questions I get, especially when I’m talking about teenagers. I wrote that book. It’s a widely acclaimed book, bestselling book, called I’ll Have a New Teenager by Friday. If you’ve never read that book, that is a good one. If you’ve got kids a little younger in the hormone group, read Planet Middle School. Both of those are excellent, excellent reads with all kinds of things in there that you may not think of very readily. People love those books, and they’re very, very well rated and received. But, I get questions about, “When do I let my son or my daughter pick out their own clothes, buy their own clothes?” Well, wait a minute, you’re jumping ahead. When are kids really interested in clothes? My experience has been when they get close to the hormone group, especially the girls, they get very interested in clothes. I know some are earlier, but the majority of them it’s that time when they’re starting to notice that there’s two distinct sexes in this world where clothes become a big thing. Dr. Leman: Here’s the question for you, parent. What kind of dominion did you give to the kids when they were young? When did you start an allowance? See, I think before you have that conversation you have to give yourself a little gut check and say, “Wait a minute, did I use an allowance effectively when my kids were growing up? Did they have a set amount of money that they could spend any way they wanted?” See, without any training I think just handing a kid money and saying, “Here, let’s get your school clothes,” could have some rather disastrous results for you. I’m not saying you can’t do that, but I’m saying after the disastrous results, you’re probably going to come back and do things differently. Dr. Leman: I think it’s a great idea to give kids cash, to go at the beginning of the school year and talk with your kids about, “Hey, we’ve tried to budget this as best we can. Here’s the money that you have to spend.” Give the kid a wad of those 20s. They’re going to feel like they’re a millionaire when they see all that money and, yeah, you can just turn them loose at age 14, or 13, and they can go out and see what they come home with, or I think the better way of doing it is go with them, go with them and keep your mouth shut as best you can. That’s my advice. Dr. Leman: A kid is going to figure out he can buy this shirt that has this little insignia on it and it’s going to cost him three times what this plain shirt is going to cost him. Now this gets into kids, and style, and you want to be like everybody else and, boy, I hope your kids don’t want to be like everybody else. That’s not a good thing. But my point is, let them figure out, let them become a smart shopper. Let them figure out that Walmart jeans are not that bad. Do you know what I’m saying? Let them figure out how to stretch that budget. If it’s clear to them that this is all you have to get school clothes with, including shoes, they might just really surprise you and make some really wise decisions. Then, your part in that is just to say, “Honey, I am so proud of you. I think those were great choices you made.” Doug: Dr. Leman, when we have to face the reality that all of a sudden there’s a powerful child in our presence what have you seen it take for the adult to be able to say, “I created that. I have to change.” Is there something that helps people get that light bulb moment? Dr. Leman: Well, just try a few simple things and see if this works, parents. Next time you’re tempted to get into a fight, an argument, or say, “No, that isn’t so,” with your son or your daughter just look at them and go, “Wow, you could be right,” and see what happens. See if the fight continues or does that dissipate it into thin air? Learn to say things differently. Learn to behave differently. “Wow, you could be right. Wow, I never thought of it that way. Now there’s an interesting thought. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh my goodness. Well, tell me more about that, Honey.” Dr. Leman: Your son or daughter has just suggested that they do something they know that you’re not going to let them do, and you say, “Well, wow, that sounds interesting, tell me more about that.” You’ve just knocked them off their blocks. They’re not going to start the race. They’re dumbfounded. What did he say? I was expecting a completely different answer. What I’m saying is learn to sit and listen to your kids, parents, without judgment, without judgment. That’s the tough part. Some of you as parents think that that’s fruit of the spirit given to you by Almighty God. I’m here to tell you, you got to listen to your kids. They’re kids. Are they going to say stupid things? Yes. Are they going to do stupid things? Yes. Call your insurance agent, they’ll tell you. They’re like Farmers Insurance, “We know a few things because we’ve seen a few things.” Doug: Which of the books would you recommend if somebody’s sitting there going, “Okay, Dr. Lehman, I don’t know if I really am a parent that’s the problem creating this but I might be.” Which of your books would you say that would help them be able to see it and have solutions? Dr. Leman: Well I think the Birth Order Book is a primmer book for Leman. It talks about family systems and relationships, and you’ll get to be behind the eyes of not only your spouse and yourself but also your children, and explains why they’re so different, why one turns left and one turns right. That’s probably the best overall book to start with. Those other books that we talked about so frequently, Have a New Kid, Have a New Teenager, Planet Middle School, The Leadership Book, The Way of the Shepherd, The Way of the Wise. You got a kid that’s going away to college and you haven’t tucked The Way of the Wise in their backpack, wow, what an opportunity, because it gives kids a little different look at what walking the Christian faith is all about. Anyway, life ain’t perfect, folks, and you and I aren’t perfect, but we’re going to give it our best shot. We’re going to tell our kids the truth. We’re going to hold them accountable. We’re going to talk straight with them, and they’re going to know that they’re loved no matter what. That’s a pretty good formula for most things. Doug: Yeah, and as a former reformed powerful authoritarian parent the thing that I love about Dr. Leman’s books for me, it may not be for you, but for me was it was easy to read, so I didn’t feel like I was being beat up on, and there was things I could put and hold onto and begin to change. It was really interesting to me that I didn’t apply everything but I really love what you said, “If you just get the concepts and just add one little change, it’s amazing how then the next one’s easier, and the next one, and next one,” and before you know it you’re like, “Hey, I have changed,” and it really is encouraging. Doug: So, it’s the reason we’re doing this podcast, honestly is because we want to help you guys enjoy your kids more, and more, and more. It’s why we do it and these books are so easy and practical and helpful. Please, please, please do it for your sake. Not for mine, doesn’t help Andrea and I, but it will help you. Okay, enough of my preaching for the day. I love you guys, and the reason we’re doing this is that we want you to have the tools to love those kids more and more, not for a year but for decades as you become grandma and grandpa someday, and all those things. That’s why we do it. Do it for yourself, not for Andrea, not for me, but for yourself. Alrighty. Well, we love being with you and we look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye.

Has your kid ever lied about stealing candy from the candy jar? Or how about another kid’s toy from school? When you have a lying kid on your hands, it can be easy to fall into parenting habits that empower them to continue lying instead of solving the problem. Listen to today’s episode to discover Dr. Leman’s practical advice on how to handle a dishonest child.   **Special Offer– Sep 24 – 30: Have a New You by Friday ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**         Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: So you go to get a few of the pieces of chocolate out of the cabinet and they’re all gone. And as you go to your son’s room, you notice all the chocolate wrappers are around his bedside. And when you look at him, there’s smudges of chocolate on his cheek, and you ask him, “Did you eat my chocolate? And he looks at you directly in the eye and says, “No Mom.” What do you do when you catch your child lying? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And if this is your first time with us, welcome [inaudible 00:00:37]. It’s so nice to have you with us today and we just want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I get to tattle on Andrea. So, we have limited cabinet space in our small kitchen, but up in the farthest right top corner there is Mom’s chocolate. And Mrs Terpening is usually very, very nice, but if she ever find’s anybody has gone up and touched her chocolate… Have you ever seen- Andrea: Lights up. Doug: … that rage monster that turns into incredible fire, and laser beams shoot out of her eyes? And the children and I scatter for fear for a couple of hours. So- Andrea: Well you should, if somebody stole my chocolate. Dr. Leman: I hope it’s dark chocolate. Andrea: It is. It is. And every once in a while I will share a piece with somebody, but they can’t help themself. Dr. Leman: I got to ask, what kind of chocolate is it? Andrea: Well right now there’s some little Dove Bar pieces, yeah. Dr. Leman: Dove Bars, okay, I know what those are. Andrea: With little kind of a truffle. Dr. Leman: Are you a dark chocolate? Andrea: Not too dark. If it’s too dark then it’s too bitter. Not too dark. Dr. Leman: Okay. Well my wife has an interesting diet. She’ll go in and have a chicken sandwich in a restaurant, but she won’t have the bread with it. But you know, I know this woman really well and she and Andrea have an affinity for chocolate. And I can’t tell you how many nights I have been lying in bed and been awakened by a little tiny sharp pain on my back, or on my chest, only to find a Ghirardelli chocolate wrapper attached to my skin. She loves chocolate. Dr. Leman: Okay. Well, for all your chocolate lovers, what do you do when you find out that your kid has lied? Now let’s take this scenario where you see all the chocolate wrappers, or whatever, around the kid’s bed. Now what do most of us say to a child? “Did you take Mom’s chocolate?” Now let’s examine that question, and let’s examine that question. Give it a one if it was really stupid, or a 10 if it was really smart. Okay, let’s everybody give it a grade. Okay, you got that grade? Andrea: I’m going with a one. Dr. Leman: Yeah, I gave it a one too. See, what we tend to do, is we see the obvious, and people are right thinking, “Well, Dr. Leman, I don’t want to unjustly accuse my kid of anything.” No, but if you see something, and lots of times you’ll see kids do things, and then you turn around and ask if they just did it. Well, is that encouraging the kid to lie? I mean if you want to get down to the brass tacks of things you say, “Honey, I see you ate Mom’s chocolate. I think we need to talk about that. Do you think that’s a good idea?” Now at that point a kid is going to say yes or no. They’re going to look down at the floor. They’re going to give you that sheepish look, whatever. But at least that kind of a start gets you to where you need to go with this, because you have to talk about the fact that stealing is what? Wrong. Dr. Leman: You know, I have told the story in one of my books, where I had a little four-year-old daughter who all of a sudden she started telling all these lies, and finally I did something very different. I lied to her and I told her we were going to a very special trip, and she got all excited, and the day came and she knew what day it was. She’s ready for the big trip, and I told her, I said, “Honey, I lied.” And boy we had some moments. She did not like that. And I said, “Well honey, you know what? I’ve talked to you repeatedly about lying and these lies continue to come, and you have to understand what it feels like to be lied to.” Dr. Leman: Now that’s unorthodox. Some people may not like that. I say, if you’ve got a lying kid, you do whatever you need to do to get that kid off the lying track. Andrea: Did it help with your daughter? Dr. Leman: Yes. She’s so truthful, to a fault truthful, would have a hard time hiding anything from her mom and dad today, and we’re old and she’s middle-aged. So yeah, and it does. I’m just saying that you have to understand that kids lie out of fear most of the time. Fear that they’re what? Going to get in trouble. Sometimes kids fear out of wish fulfillment. Now what does that mean? It means a kid comes home and says, “I hit two home runs today in the baseball game,” and actually he struck out three times. You’ll see those kind of lies, but most lies come right out of just fear. If I tell you who I am, you’re going to reject me, or I’m going to get in trouble. Dr. Leman: I’ve got a friend, Tim Kimmel, and Tim wrote a book called Grace-Filled Parenting. I think as a parent you have to have mercy, and you have to have trust in your kids, and you have to believe in them, but you have to be grace-filled. If it wasn’t for the grace and mercy of Almighty God, none of us would enter God’s kingdom. Keep that in mind. Dr. Leman: So, you try not to make the lie more than it needs to be. I don’t think you have to add, “Jesus is watching you.” Please don’t do that. I think that kind of stuff is just way over the board. Just talk about the fact that there are certain rights and wrong in this family, and if you wanted some candy, wouldn’t have you felt better if you came to me and said, “Hey Mom, could I have a piece of your special candy?” And of course, Andrea would say, “No,” which creates another problem. Andrea: I’d say, “Don’t you have a special candy stash?” Dr. Leman: But I think you try to teach young children that you feel better inside, if you what? If you tell the truth. And when you don’t tell the truth, and you know you’ve lied, I think you ask a kid, “Hey, when I was a youngster and I lied-” Dr. Leman: “You lied Mom?” Dr. Leman: “Yeah, I did, and so did Dad. You know, I remember feeling really guilty. Do you ever feel guilty about what you’ve said, or done, or…” Dr. Leman: Yeah. You try to tie the things together and say, “You know, the way to healthy, good living, the way to treat other people, the way to act responsibly, is by telling the truth. And sometimes it’s very difficult to tell the truth, because we have to owe up to the fact that we made a mistake. But guess what? We all make mistakes. You’re going to make a lot of mistakes in life honey, not just as one. You’re going to make mistakes later on this week in all probability.” Dr. Leman: So I think you have to have a openness, and a sense of, it’s okay, but this behavior is not okay. You’re okay, I’m okay. Our family’s okay. Life’s going to go on, but this has to stop. Doug: What do you do about the situation where it’s not so blatant that the chocolate wrappers are there? There’s you, and the missus, and one child, and I can’t think of a good example where you don’t empirically know they’re lying, but you are doggone- Dr. Leman: Well, let’s take the situation where a kid is accused in school of stealing somebody’s Xbox or something, and your kid denies it, just flat out denies it. And you stand by your kid, and you go meet with the dean of students at the school. And the dean of students says to you, “Well listen, I certainly can’t blame you for siding on your son’s behalf and believing in your son. But Mr and Mrs Terpening, I have a video here I want to show you.” And he shows you the video of your son stealing the item. Red handed, there it is on videotape. Now what kind of a conversation do you have with your 16-year-old kid? It’s a little different isn’t it? But see the realities are, and that’s why this topic we’re talking about is important, you want to try to nip this stuff in the bud when the kids are young, because the consequences for when they get older can really be serious. Dr. Leman: But then the conversation is, “Wow, you led us to believe that you were innocent.” See that’s the video. I’m going to show it to my son and I’m certainly going to say, “Hey, I’ve got something for you to watch.” And I’m going to play it for him, and I’m going to wait for his response. And if that response isn’t one of repentance and remorse, then I’m really worried because now I’ve got a real problem on my hands. Dr. Leman: But again, grace and mercy must follow that. I think you have to love your kid anyway, but in that case, you turn and you say to the dean of students, “Hey, you have our full support in whatever disciplinary measure you feel is appropriate in this situation.” And that’s all you say. And what are you doing there? You’re taking the tennis ball and you’re putting it back in the dean’s side of the desk. And he’s going to deal with your 16-year-old son. And he’s going to deal with the relationship between your son and the kid he stole the Xbox from, or whatever. You want to push it in the direction it belongs. I mean, let’s face it parent, you’re embarrassed. You were shocked when you saw that video because you believed your son. Is it a sin to believe in your son? No, we want you to believe in your son. But I got news for you. There are sons and daughters who are lying dogs, who will tell you anything because they’re so self-centered. Doug: When you come back, I’m going to ask you, what if that situation happens in the home? But before we get there, I get to give you the ebook for this week, which is one of my favorite Dr. Leman books, which is, Have a New You by Friday. September 24th to September 30th of 2019 for $2 and 99 cents. And I’m going to ask Dr. Leman what this book is about, and I’m going to tell you this is like, please, go buy this for yourself. How will this book help our listeners? Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you the motivation for writing that book, which might help. You know, people go to a shrink today and it’s not uncommon to get a bill for 250, 350 dollars for a simple 40 minute session, or a half-hour session. I thought, you know what? I’ll bet I could write a book that really helps people to sort of shrink themselves and figure out why they have learned… Now listen to that word. Why they have learned to be the person that they are. You learned it parents from who? You learned it from your parents and your siblings. It’s that dynamic, fluid relationship that exists between parent and child, and siblings with one another. Now you add to that the tragedies of life, the loss of life, the divorce or separation of parent, total economic disaster, you name it, health issues, whatever, they can certainly taint one’s look at life, but essentially you learn to be the person that you are. Dr. Leman: So Have a New You by Friday, if you’re tempted to go down to your local counselor, or your neighborhood shrink, you may want to read this book first, save yourself a lot of money, time and effort. And the good news is, if you learn to be the person you are, don’t you think it’s true that you can unlearn those negative behaviors and ideas, and channel your energy into something more positive and productive? I mean, think of people whose lives have changed, who’ve gone from rags to riches, who’ve gone from wrong to right. It’s change. It’s personal growth. People pay a lot of money for a personal trainer. You want a little personal trainer for $2.99? Oh my goodness. Download, Have a New You by Friday. It’s a good one. All those Friday books are great. Doug: The reason I so strongly recommend this, is so much of parenting is about you changing and your kids realizing the change and then they change with you. You need help. It’s so hard to change. This book is a great, uber practical… It’s a Dr. Leman, fun read. Please go get it for yourself. And now, a no-nonsense parenting advice from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Hey, if you’re not a single parent, please don’t tune me out because there’s a single parent near you, trust me. And I want to share with you, I think, one of the top two or three suggestions that I can give to anybody who’s single. You know, if you’re single, and were married, in all probability there were a lot of hurts associated with that. The natural tendency, the carnal nature of mankind is, when you’re hurt you feel like you have license to strike out. In fact, some of you think that one of the gifts of the spirit is criticism. It isn’t, and I’m going to give a suggestion to every single person here, especially those of you who have kids. Dr. Leman: Don’t bad-mouth your ex-spouse ever, for any reason. I mean this guy, or this woman, could be the slime ball of the century, could be a derelict, could’ve been hurtful, could have been abusive, whatever. I don’t care what baggage they brought into your marriage that you paid for, but there’s no way that you can strike out at that person where it would help anybody. You certainly won’t help yourself. But so many parents I’ve witnessed over the years, they use their children as narks. When they’re over at Dad’s house, they want to know, was there a woman over there? Are there any liquor bottles around? I mean, I’ve heard it all over the period of time. Dr. Leman: You need to let your kids have their relationship with their dad, or their mom. You need to step back and let that relationship happen. You need to extend the olive branch of peace, so that your kids are seeing that you’re acting in a loving way. They understand it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t easy for them. Don’t you think they understand it’s not easy for you? But when they see you turn the other cheek in a peaceful, positive way, and express nothing but words of concern, and kindness, and joy, and positivity, don’t you think that’s going to make a difference in their lives? Dr. Leman: Isn’t that great training for when life throws them a curve ball, that they’ll respond accordingly? Believe me, they’re taking notes on how you live your life. For those of you who are so hurt you just can’t help yourself. You just keep banging away at that ex-husband of yours, or whatever, your ex-wife. Sooner or later those kids of yours are going to turn on you, and they’re going to turn that ex-husband, or that ex-wife, into the father or mother of the year. Trust me. So watch that little rudder in your mouth, that little tongue. You know, if you want to shout out your anger to Almighty God, he’s big enough to listen to what you have to give him. But don’t spew out any venom toward that ex. You’ll be better, your ex will be better, and your children for sure will be better. Doug: So Dr. Leman, back to the Xbox example. What happens if it happens in my home, where it’s not a stealing issue, or it could be a stealing issue, but now it’s a lying about something that occurred in my home and I can’t take it to the dean? How do I get to the heart of that? You said that you… You know, they do it out of fear of rejection and trouble and we want to be grace-filled, but how do we do that? Dr. Leman: Well, I’ve had a lot of kids over the years, especially kids in the adolescent years, steal money from their parents. I mean, most women… Actually, I’m looking at my wife’s purse right now. Maybe I should go in there and see what I find. My sad sense of humor just pops up once in a while. But she comes in and she loves to hang it on the chair. We have a dining room table. It’s about 12 feet long and there’s eight chairs around it right now, and she just hangs it on one of the chairs, or sometimes she’ll drop it on the floor, around the corner of a kitchen entryway kind of place. Those are her two favorite spots. But anyway, money is accessible. Most women have money in their purses. I know we live in a credit card world, but you know, kids can steal credit cards as well, and kids know passwords, and all those things can happen. Dr. Leman: So again, I think the big thing, when you know your son or daughter has done something, is not the ask him the question. I know this sounds stupid to some of you. Don’t ask them a question, “Did you, did this?” Make the statement that we know that you took Mom’s money. We knew you used Mom’s credit card for this or that, because you’ve done your homework. You saw what happened. And it was spent at, you know, a store that Mom wouldn’t frequent, or that Dad wouldn’t frequent. So you have all the facts. So there’s no sense in setting them up just to lie again and deny it, because you want to get to the why’s and the wherefores. And some of the things that you might discuss is the need to lie, and is this something that we can continue to expect for the rest of your life? Dr. Leman: I mean, if somebody asked me on the street to describe my son or daughter, do I tell them this, that, and add that you’re a thief as well? So there has to be a rather straightforward conversation with that son or daughter. And as I’ve suggested to many parents, you get to the point where you take the keys to your car, you keep them with you at all times, and you lock your valuables sometimes in the trunk of your car. If you’ve got a kid who’s a druggie, the white lady, the cocaine, or whatever that kid’s hitting on, will take precedent over anything. Everything you ever taught him, anything he ever learned in school, or church, goes right out the door because he has a need to feed his habit, and he’s going to feed it, no matter what. Dr. Leman: You know, there’s simple thefts. I guess the police call it petty theft, but there’s also grand larceny. I mean, so there’s all different degrees, and as a parent you have to use your own ingenuity here is to figure out, okay, do I need a flyswatter here or a sledge hammer? You know, I wouldn’t make the molehill into a mountain for sure. You have to talk turkey with kids. Doug: Got it. So this is the classic be firm, but be grace-filled and be smart. Don’t ask them, “Did you lie?” Dr. Leman: Yeah. I think disappointment is a great word to use. “I’m disappointed in what happened.” Andrea: You say, don’t ask them if they did it, when you know they did it, because then you’re setting them up to lie again. So, that’s a good way to remember it. Doug: Tell them you’re disappointed. Be gentle. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. I love that. That’s the first time I’ve ever heard, “Is this a flyswatter moment or a sledgehammer moment? It’s a little graphic, but it’s like, wow, that’s another good one to use. Dr. Leman: Well, you know, if you’d ask me to say, what are the two toughest questions to answer, are kids biting… Okay, biting. Try to figure that one out. What do you do? Bite them back? I know some of you are saying, “We did that and it worked.” Well, you said it, I didn’t… and lying. The topic we’re talking about today is one of the toughest to really address in a practical way, because we get so emotionally involved in it. It’s a sin against us. So anyway, it’s a tough one. Parents, you’ll find those Leman books to be helpful. They sort of keep you onboard with trying to put balance in your parenting. I hope you’ll keep reading. Good stuff there for you. Doug: Well, it’s funny you should say that. I was going to say that and I’m like, “I’m not going to say it because I say it all the time,” but I’m going to say it now. The book, Have a New Kid by Friday, has a whole section in the back of all these practical applications, and one of them is lying. And I thought, “Wow, this would be a great example again of why that book helps you, give you the theory and the practicality.” Get the book, Have a New Kid by Friday. If you’re struggling, go for it. Doug: Thank you, Dr. Leman for answering the tough question. We love it, and we loved being with you. Thank you for spending your time, and as always, the reason we do this is to give you more tools to parent those kids, so that you can love them more and more and have a great, fabulous, wonderful relationship for decades with them. So thank you for being with us and we look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: You have a great day. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! What do you do when your homeschooled kid fights you tooth and nail? Listen to Dr. Leman’s advice on today’s episode.   **Special Offer– Sep 17 – 23: My Firstborn, There’s No One Like You ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Homeschooling moms must be perfect or they must be close to perfection. This is mother today says, “Something’s gone awry. Something’s gone bump in the night,” and that second child is fighting her tooth and nail. How do we help this homeschool mom? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman. Doug: Hi. I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are with us with Have a New Kid with Dr. Kevin Leman. If this happens to be your first time, we just want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: We love getting your caller questions, and I think we should jump right into today’s questions. How do we help this homeschool mom? Homeschool Mom: Hey, Dr. Lehman, I have a question about homeschooling. I’ve been homeschooling for 16 years now, and sometimes it can be messy and hard, but I’ve also seen the rewards with my oldest being a college graduate and an amazing young woman. However, there’s something I never did quite get right with her, and now I see I’m making the same mistakes with my 11-year-old. Homeschool Mom: A couple months ago, she started becoming a powerful homeschooler. When she needed help with figuring out, let’s say, a math problem, as she was frustrated and would ask for help, I would start to open my mouth and give out one word out, and she would immediately explode and not want to listen. She’s even gotten to the point where she is telling me she doesn’t want to do certain subjects or she gets mad if she has to rewrite a sentence. Obviously, she has to do her work. However, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m petrified to open my mouth or mark something wrong and for fear of her having a meltdown for the entire day. I love to teach and make things interesting and fun, but this isn’t fun for her nor I. Homeschool Mom: I read a lot of your books and implement your techniques in parenting, and they have worked great. Fear of homeschooling though can seem like a whole nother animal sometimes because when I need to let the teacher or school deal with homework issues, it is still me dealing with it. Hey, I have a great idea, Dr Leman, you should write a book called Have a New Homeschool by Friday. I guarantee it’ll be a bestseller, and I’ll be first in line to buy it. Homeschool Mom: In the meantime, can you help me get my little homeschool buzzard back onto stable ground? Dr. Leman: Oh, I love your spunk, the fact that you have spunk in your life. By the way, did she mention her name? Doug: She never did. Dr. Leman: Oh, no, I got to call her Nameless. Oh, Nameless, listen, darlin’, you homeschooled 16 years and you still have spunk and a bounce in your step. You ought to be congratulated. That is a long time to homeschool. Now, again, I love homeschoolers. I talk with them all the time, and, you’re right, and I had been asked to write a book called Have a New Homeschooler by Friday, but that hasn’t surfaced yet, so let’s start with giving yourself some credit for what you’ve already accomplished. You’ve got one young woman, a great young lady, you say, out of the house. How did that happen? That happened because of the love and the support and the encouragement that she found in your home, so my guess is that you suffer from a bad case of perfectionism, and you have to just understand that none of us are perfect. Dr. Leman: We all are flawed to the core. As a believer in God, you have no claim to heaven, but through the mercy and grace of God will enter his kingdom if you’ve learned to love his son, so, that being said, you have to back off a little bit on yourself. That’s step number one. Realize that the principle here is perfectionism is slow suicide, so, if you’re always shooting for perfection, you’re going to walk away dissatisfied and you’re going to say, “Nameless, you failed,” and I’m saying, “Nameless, you’ve done good so far.” Dr. Leman: Now, let’s turn to younger sibling at 16, and isn’t it interesting that they ask you for help and then, as soon as you open your mouth, you get criticized or put down or told you don’t need their help? One of the things that I’m going to suggest you do is memorize a very short phrase, and I want you to start using it today with 16-year-old. I want you to learn to say, “Honey, I’m sure you can handle it.” You got it? “Honey? I’m sure you can handle it.” Dr. Leman: What you’re doing there is she’s coming to you with a problem that she wants you to give advice to or fix and, as soon as you open your mouth, she’s going to what? She’s going to badmouth whatever you’re saying, so, your money ahead, the very next time she asks for any advice about anything related to school, of course, you simply say, “Honey, I’m sure you can handle it,” and she’s going to get frustrated and she’s going to make you the bad guy, and she’s going to say things like, “You don’t care.” “Honey, if you want to believe that lie, you go right ahead. I sure don’t believe that because that’s not the truth, but if you want to believe that, you go right ahead,” and what you’re doing is you’re pushing back in a way that forces her to take a look at herself, and that’s the healthy thing here. Dr. Leman: If you’ve listened to our podcast, one of my favorite little sayings is keep the tennis ball of life on the right side of the net. I know you’re the teacher, but when you start feeling used as a teacher, your tendency ought to be to back off and say, “Okay, student, handle it yourself,” and if that young student of yours is sensitive to correction, which I assume she is, and she asks you to look over a paper, for example, if you want to look it over, look it over and just look at it and say, “Wow, looks great to me,” and hand it back to her and then, when it’s due in, get your little red pencil out and start checking things off and see how she reacts to that. Dr. Leman: In other words, I’d just start throwing her a few curve balls that says, “Listen, I’m your teacher. I need to be respected, and, obviously, I’m your mother and I need to be respected,” so you earn your stripes, so to speak, on your sleeve, Ms. Nameless, by simply holding your ground without name-calling, without getting mad. You have to have an even temperament here because this kid is a powerful child, which suggests, and I’m going to say this real softly, that you just might be a powerful person yourself. Dr. Leman: As we heard on your question, you’ve got a lot of spunk in your kid and chances are you yourself know pretty much how things ought to be, and so maybe both siblings have caught a little bit of that from you, but, again, I think you’re being too hard on yourself, so, remember, fighting is an act of cooperation. That’s another principle, so, if you engage in a battle with her, you get what you ask for, so that’s why when she says something just absolutely stupid or dumb or whatever, just say, “Interesting.” Don’t correct it. You know the right thing. Don’t correct it. Let her figure it out especially with her relationships with other people or if she’s involved with some activities at the local school, maybe you and… part of a coop or something like that. Let her figure it out. Let her experience failure. Dr. Leman: Remember, failure is a great place to take place where? In the home. It’s the safest place for your son or daughter to understand what true failure is all about, so, anyway, that’s for starters. What do the Terpenings think? Doug: How does she deal with that, as soon as she starts to talk to the child, the child starts to blow up on her? What does she do when that child verbally blows up on her? Dr. Leman: The minute she does that, she turns her back and goes to a room where she can lock the door and be alone or she gets in her car and takes a little drive some place. She physically removes herself, and you’ve heard me long enough, Doug and Andrea, to know that turning your back on a child, I mean, a lot of people think, “Oh, that’s too harsh,” it’s deliberate for a reason. It’s not harsh. It’s deliberate, but it says, “Hey, I’m not doing this dog and pony show.” Dr. Leman: You can’t fight by yourself, and so this kid… and this is true of all adolescents. Think of when you were an adolescent. You needed your parents. You needed your parents, but you didn’t want to admit it. You’re being driven to school and you say, “Hey, mom, drop me off here.” “Honey, we’re not even in school yet.” “Mom, just drop me off here. I want to walk the rest of the way.” It’s like you don’t want to admit that you have a parent. It’s part of breaking away. It’s called adolescence. It’s okay, so, again, you guide the sheep. You just can’t grab them by the neck and drag them here and drag them there, but you certainly don’t get kicked around by your children verbally ever. Doug: Andrea, you’re a homeschool mom with four. Could you imagine your second child blows up at you like this? Could you just get in your car and leave or go in the backroom? Andrea: Like Dr. Leman says, fighting is an act of cooperation, and, often, it draws you in, so it is hard to step away and especially when you feel like this is your workplace or your responsibility. It feels different than your homes… than just parenting, so it’s harder because you’re like… especially if you are one that is driven to have good grades, like a recent podcasts, “My kids have got to get good grades so they can get into a good college,” and now it’s a reflection of you. It’s really hard to imagine giving your kid bad grades, so I think there’s a lot wrapped up into this, and I agree with Dr. Leman. Yeah, we have to step back. Dr. Leman: Andrea, I’ve got a question for you. Would you have a problem giving your daughter or son a bad grade? Andrea: Would I have difficulty? Yes. Do I do everything I can to help them so they can earn a good, honest grade? Yes. Dr. Leman: Help me know. Help me know. Help me understand why you’d have difficulty giving a grade your son or daughter has earned. I wish you could see me right now because I do have a smirk on my face because [inaudible] if that answered the question, but- Andrea: You’re evil. Dr. Leman: Yes. This kid has earned that bad grade. Today, let’s take a public school with a broad brush, and people can write me nasty emails if they want, but we’ve watered things down so badly. How much effort does a kid have to put into public school today to get C work or better? I don’t think an awful lot. I really don’t, so, when a kid really fails and gets a “bad grade,” does she or he not earn that grade by not doing a homework, by not participating in class, by not doing well on a performance test? Dr. Leman: You’ve got to own it. I see these shirts today that a lot of young people wear that says, “Own it.” Okay, own it. This is on them. This isn’t you. I always tell parents when the grades come home and they’re crushed to the grades, you got to remember these are grades that belong to your son or daughter. They don’t belong to you. Don’t own, don’t take possession of what you really aren’t a part of. You’ve done your share. You’ve done your best. Andrea: Yeah. As I listened to this lady ask her question, who you’re calling Ms. Nameless, her… This second child is actually 11, and as a homeschool mom, I’m thinking this is a great time to give them bad grades because these aren’t going on the transcript. These colleges aren’t going to look at these grades. This is a great time to let her experience a little bit of “failure,” and hopefully get their relationship right so that, as they get into the high school years, their communication is better, so I don’t know if knowing that this child is 11 gives you any other insights into what might be going on here. Dr. Leman: Yeah, folks, you’ve just heard the pragmatic side of Andrea saying, “Hey, if you’re going to give them a failing grade, a bad grade, give it to them before it goes on the transcript.” Dr. Leman: I talk to parents. I’m a former dean of students. I know something about getting people into college and what college admission officers are looking at, and I always tell young people, “Someone, a stranger that you don’t know is going to look at a computer screen and see some grades in your name and your Social Security number, and they’re going to make all kinds of judgments about who you are based upon some numbers and some grades,” and that’s the sad truth, so grades are important. Education is important. Dr. Leman: Can you make a child do something? I mean, I’m the author of Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. Can you make a child mind? Literally, you can’t, but you certainly can do things that set up parameters in your home that make a kid sooner or later come to the point where he says, “You know what, I’m, I’m money ahead here to do what’s expected of me. This isn’t working out for me.” Doug: For Mrs. No Name here, she’s got this kid 24/7. I mean, this kid, this 11-year-old that’s just back-talking and firing up on her, it’s all the time. At what point does she give her the bread and water treatment or any of that kind of stuff? Is that effective when you have a powerful child like this? Dr. Leman: It is. The bread and water treatment, by the way, parents, is just… Obviously, you got to feed your kids, and they have a roof over their head, but you don’t have to do anything for them, quite frankly. If you’re used to fixing breakfast for them, you can go on strike. Dr. Leman: They’d say, “Mom, I’d like this or that.” “Honey, I’m sorry, I’m not in a breakfast mood,” and walk out of the room. They won’t know what hit them, and sooner or later, the bread and water treatment as Doug Terpening has just suggested gets a kid to a point where he says, “Hey, what’s going on?” and that’s when you’re on, parent. That’s where you say to your kid, “Hey, I’ll tell you what’s going on. I don’t like your mouth. I don’t like the constant questioning of me. I don’t like the badgering of me. I don’t like the tone of voice you use with me, and things need to change because you have a very unhappy mother. You have a very unhappy dad,” and, again, I underscore this, kids really don’t like it when you’re unhappy with them. Doug: Yeah. Something you didn’t say that is interesting, so I’ll ask this question from Ms. No Name. Is she probably being too critical or correcting of her child and pushing her to be perfect? Dr. Leman: Yeah, she’s probably. I said that softly. She’s probably a very powerful lady. She knows exactly how things ought to be, and, of course, with an 11-year-old, you’ve heard me say this before, it’s a weird, weird age, 11. You’re neither fish nor a fowl, and it’s the beginning of adolescence. It’s actually the beginning of the teenage years. Because kids are growing up so early, I always say 11 and 12-year-olds are teenagers, and so you have to be firm, and, 16 years of homeschooling, I’d be tempted to take a year of vacation to the southern tip of South America. Dr. Leman: I mean, that’s a lot. I mean, Andrea, you’ve homeschooled. You have to throw yourself into it, and here’s a woman, and that’s why I say I think she’s too rough on herself, which is an indication that, guess what, she’s rough on other people as well, so, anyway, that’s just a few thoughts for her. Don’t be afraid to be firm. Don’t be afraid to say I’m unhappy. Don’t be afraid to say I don’t like what’s happening here, and that will get the kids’ attention. Doug: Yep. Yep. Before we continue the podcast, I want to make sure I tell you about this week’s E-book special for you, a fabulous one. It is My First Born, There’s No One Like You, September 17th of 2018 to September 23rd of 2019, for $1.99. My Firstborn, There’s No One Like You. Any comments about this one, Dr. Leman? Dr. Leman: Yes. That’s a wonderful book. Now, they’re offering that at $1.99 to download. Let me give you a little tip out there. If you have any book collector in you, see if you can find a copy of My Firstborn, There’s No One Like You and hang on to it. That is going to be an extremely valuable book. The middle child book, that’s one of six in a series that I do with my son, Kevin, and, that middle child book, I’ve seen it on eBay for over $400, so, if you can find My Firstborn, There’s No One Like You, it’s illustrated beautifully and it hits home, you will see your little firstborn on those pages. It’s a wonderful, wonderful book, so download it for $1.99. My goodness, that’s a no-brainer. Doug: In conclusion, thank you for this great question, and what I hear you say, Dr. Leman, is give yourself a break. You don’t need to be perfect, but be firm. Don’t be afraid to say that I’m disappointed. Don’t be afraid to walk away. Don’t be afraid to say I’m happy, and give yourself a little bit more grace. You’ve probably done way more than you think, and, as you have said multiple times, if we change, they change and IT sounds like just soften it up. Doug: Anything else, Andrea? Andrea: Yeah, oh, just as a very similar kind of person to her, the perfectionist, and having homeschooled for many years, it’s refreshing to hear, “You’re probably being too hard on yourself.” Lighten up, and I would just say enjoy your daughter. These are special years, and it’s really special to be able to homeschool and spend that time with them, so enjoy and don’t worry so much about performance. It’ll come. Dr. Leman: Wow, that’s well said, Andrea. If every homeschooler had that mantra in their life, this is a privilege to do this with my kids, homeschoolers across our nation would do a much better job and feel better about themselves in the process. Very good. Doug: Thank you guys for being with us today, and we love helping add to your parenting toolbox. A reminder that that ebook, My Firstborn, There’s No One Like You, get it while it’s available for just this week, and it’s a joy. We look forward to the next time to being with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Bye. Bye. Doug: Take care. Bye. Bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! What do you do when you kid stops going to the bathroom in public places and has accidents at school? Dr. Leman breaks out the advice straight from the book in today’s episode.   **Special Offer– Sep 10 – 16: Under the Sheets ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: You have that six year old, the six year old that is driving you nuts. Whenever you say, “Yellow,” they say the opposite. Or how about this one that the lady just asked us? They won’t go to the bathroom until it’s the most worst time, just to spite you as a six year old. What do you do with that? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Doug: Hi, I’m Dr. [inaudible 00:00:00:33]. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us and welcome. If this happens to be your first time, we wanted to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. If you’re a new listener, to let you know that these are questions that individuals have called in and left a voicemail for us, and that we get to play for you. And this is Tiffany talking to us about her six year old and their struggle. Here we go. Tiffany : Hello, Dr. Leman. This is Tiffany from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. I’ve recently binged on all your podcasts along with sharing them with my husband so we can be on the same page. I also just ordered Making Your Children Mind and Parenting the Powerful Child. I have a five year old boy and a very, very powerful three year old boy. My question is regarding my almost six year old. Over the past year and much more frequently, he has been withholding his bowel movements, which has been causing many accidents, mostly at school. Tiffany : He has expressed much anxiety and fear about using the bathroom at school, and so we have tried talking through this fear with him as well as other ideas. I find myself holding my breath each day as I send him off to school, especially if he has not had a bowel movement for a few days. So I am wondering if this is more of a control issue or real fear, and what we can do to help resolve this issue. Thank you so much for your advice, and I look forward to reading all of your books and listening to more podcasts. Dr. Leman: Well, Tiffany, thank you so much for the question. I have to comment on your home in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Wow. What a beautiful place. I spoke up there to the Western Association of Orthopedic Surgeons and stayed at a beautiful hotel there overlooking the lake. You live in God’s country. Wow. What a pretty place. Friends, if you ever get a chance to get to Idaho, get there. It’s a gorgeous state and great people up in the great state of Idaho, where many of our potatoes come from. Thankful for potatoes. I never met a potato I didn’t like. Dr. Leman: But anyway, Tiffany, I love your question. And I can tell you right off the bat, you have tried too hard to be a great parent. You have a good diagnosis in your very powerful, almost six year old child. And you’re asking the question, is this really more, the retentive behavior on his part, is it more control? Yes, it is, because powerful children, their mantra in life is what? I only count life when I control, to even the extent of having accidents at school. Part of that question I remember was, “Or is this really just fear?” Well, yeah, it’s fear. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt that it’s real fear of using the toilet. Dr. Leman: And some kids, for whatever reason, are fearful of sitting on a john. They’re fearful of the sound and watching the water go down the drain. It’s not an uncommon fear that kids have. The question is practically as a parent, how do you deal with this? And you have to get it through your head that you, nor your husband, Tiffany, can be accountable for his bowel movements. And when you let go of that, focusing on that … And believe me, he picks up the vibes that you’re worried about, “Did you have a bowel movement?” And you’re going to ask him in all probability. And every time you ask him, you’re driving a nail in the wrong direction. Don’t do that. Dr. Leman: When you think of things in life, Tiffany, that are the most natural, eating, sleeping, and what’s the third one? Going potty. Three most natural things in the world. And you can ask Doug and Andrea, how many questions do we get from parents about, “My kid won’t sleep. My kid won’t eat. They’re a picky eater. They won’t potty train,” or they have difficulties like you do. But you do have a powerful child on your hands and one that looks like he might be in training to be a powerful child, which I have to take you down this path for just a short period of time. One of you, either yourself, Tiffany, or your husband, is a powerful person, which means there’s a right way to do things. It’s your way, and you tend to be authoritarian. Dr. Leman: And I’m so glad to know you’ve ordered those books, because one of the things that I’m going to teach you in that book, that the authoritarian parenting lifestyle is going to make your situation with your six year old worse every day until you make that synapse in your mind from, “I’m no longer an authoritarian, and I’m going to move and work toward being in authority over my sons.” When that day happens, you will begin to see a change in your kid’s behavior, because the kid’s going to figure out there’s no payoff here. Dr. Leman: See, part of his need to control is so dominant that he’s willing to have an accident. You tell me, who’s retaining that bowel movement? Is it someone in the neighborhood? No, it’s him. He’s the one that’s doing that, and that is purposive behavior. It means that behavior serves a purpose in his life. What’s the purpose of that? To keep you and/or, or both of you, as parents, overly involved in his life. So what do you do? You send the kid to school. Dr. Leman: I know what I would do. I would send … Let’s see, how old is he? Almost six. You could probably even get some pull-ups, big size pull-ups to have available at school. So if he has an accident, he wears pull-ups with something over them, a pair of shorts or something. And as a matter of fact as that can be, the better. If you can get a teacher to play ball with you on something like that, you’ve got a great teacher. Sometimes in situations like that, the teacher will send a kid to the nurse, and you can imagine how much the nurse loves that teacher. I won’t even go into that. Nevertheless, the responsibility for that has to lay on the side of your son. Dr. Leman: The other thing I have to tell you is when we talk about the fear, and I said the fear is real. He fears that. And what you have to understand is reality is the perception of the person. So his reality is that sitting on that potty is scary, and something might happen to me bad. And so if you tell him there’s nothing to worry about, that’s not going to take away his fear one bit, because he feels that. So your response has to be something like, “Well honey, you can be fearful. You can be fearful that you’re going to fall in the drain and fall … I’ve never seen that ever happen in life. I don’t think that’s ever happened in life to anybody. But if you want to believe that, you can believe that. But for Dad and I, we really don’t believe that, just so you know.” Dr. Leman: So you’re not denying the kid’s feelings, but you’re not agreeing with those feelings. You’re saying, “We feel very differently.” So it seems to me between the teacher and yourselves, if you both get creative and read those two books you’ve ordered, when you read the Parenting Your Powerful Child … In fact, Doug and I just did a little promo for people to buy that book, and it is well worth it. It is pure gold for those of you who have powerful kids. Don’t do another week of going through the stuff you go through every week with that powerful child. You don’t have to live like that. So anyway, those are a few thoughts. Doug and Andrea? Doug: Dr. Leman, I’ve just got to be honest. If this were my kid … And my heart breaks for Tiffany. I feel for her. The level of embarrassment would be off the charts to me, that my nearly six year old is having bowel movements, and other people are having to deal with it. My sense of failure and embarrassment, how do I deal with that? Dr. Leman: Well, you’re not going to deal with it well, but again, you have to tell yourself the truth, parent. Okay, every parent that’s got a situation like this, repeat after me. And I always hate it when people say, “Repeat after me,” but I want to do it maybe just to irritate people. Who knows? I as a parent have absolutely no control over what happens in that classroom. Now, that’s the reality. You don’t have to believe that. You can say, “Oh no, I do. I …” Really? Tell me how. How do you pull the strings on what happens in that? And see, that’s something your kid has to face. Dr. Leman: I always tell adults, you have to run toward the fear. Well, what’s the fear for your son or your daughter, those of you who have powerful parents? Well, fear is that it’s going to do something terrible to them. Well, let them believe that. The reality is it’s not. In fact, I’m sure you haven’t said this Tiffany, but a good guess is you’ve taken your son to the pediatrician, and that pediatrician has had to very carefully remove some of that bowel movement because he was so stuffed up. And it makes you feel terrible. And sooner or later that’s going to win out over his need to be powerful. Doug: Well, I better not forget again, the ebook promotion to talk about, before we finish the rest of this discussion, from [inaudible] is Under the Sheets for $1.99, from September 10th through September 16th of 2019. Dr. Leman: Now you’re talking. Now you’re talking. Doug: So Dr. Leman … Dr. Leman: Let me tell you about this little book. Under the Sheets, this is a book that you would not give to your pastor’s wife. I’m just telling you, it ain’t ever going to happen. This is a book that if we sold it in a brown cloth, plain edition, it would be a New York Times best seller. It talks about life, the intimacies of marriage. No [inaudible] are barred in his book. Order this. You can [downline] it. Nobody knows you got it. How sneaky is this, and how … Is it $1.99? Doug: It is $1.99. Dr. Leman: Oh, my goodess. Doug: Yep. Dr. Leman: Hold on. Let put some humor in it. Is great sex worth $1.99? I’m laughing at myself again, but this is a book that will answer questions that you, many of you, would be way, way, way too embarrassed to ask anybody. So this is an opportunity for you to get the real truth straight from a shoulder, so to speak. And would you want to hide this book from your nine year old? I would think so. And it’s obviously for mature audiences, as they say, but $1.99. Oh, my goodness, Under the Sheets. Dr. Leman: There is some really good humor in that book as well. As one who’s been on The View with those crazy ladies talking about the delicate topic of sex, I came here to tell you that using humor when you’re talking about sex helps us deal with it. But you will love Under the Sheets. Pick up a copy. Download it today. Tell your buddies about it. $1.99, can’t beat that. Doug: So if you want help in that arena of life, Under the Sheets for $1.99. And now, no nonsense parenting advice from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: One of the things that I’ve been sharing more than ever is an opportunity, when I’m on national TV or radio, is just this five-star suggestion to parents everywhere. And I keep bringing it up because there’s so many people to reach on this one. It’s fundamentally important. If you want a great relationship with that man you love, ladies, don’t ask him questions. Don’t ask him the “why” word. Ask for his opinion. This man who usually just grunts, groans, and otherwise doesn’t answer anything, will surprise you in all probability. He’ll talk your ear off if you ask him for his opinion. Dr. Leman: Well, it’s true with kids as well. Kids really don’t like questions. It puts them on the defensive, and many times they’ll just blow you off with, “Okay. I’m fine. No big deal,” just to get rid of you. And then they’ll go and they’ll get on the computer or on their cell phone, and they’ll talk to their buddies. They’ll Facebook this, they’ll Instagram that, and you’ll literally be shut out of their life. So you want to be as relational as you possibly can with kids. Dr. Leman: And when you say, and this is what I want you to hear, when you say to your son or your daughter, “Honey, I’d love to hear your opinion about this or that,” what are you really saying? You’re really saying, “I value what you think. I’m interested in what’s going on in your head.” Now here’s the hard part, especially for us as men. If you ask a kid his opinion, and it gives you an opinion, but guess what? It’s a lot different than what you expected. In fact, it’s not what you want to hear. If you’re like most of us, your carnal self will fall prey to, “Hey, that’s not true. Let me tell you what’s really going on here.” And you’re going to try to set him straight. Dr. Leman: So here’s the key. Can you listen without judgment? If you listen without judgment, that relationship is going to grow, and it’s going to mature, and it’s going to get better every day. And if you listen without judgment, when the going really gets hard for your kids someday, guess what? They’re not going to flinch at going to mom and dad and saying, “Mom and Dad, I need to share something with you.” Keep that in mind. Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask the “why” word. Simply ask for their opinion. Doug: So Dr. Leman, for Tiffany and for these other moms that are struggling with kids that are powerful kids, once they change their direction, their view of it, how long is it going to take for this kid to change? Dr. Leman: Not long. Those books, Have a New Kid by Friday and Have a New Teenager by Friday … I always say, “Those are lies. You could have a new kid or a new teenager by Wednesday.” And I mean that. Once the kid realizes that you’re no longer willing to play your part in the dog and pony show in your home, they will move quickly in another direction. They’ll see that it no longer pays off. Dr. Leman: The other thing to keep in mind … This is just in general, if you have a powerful child. Your powerful child says something that’s really stupid, dumb, whatever, and you have that need to correct them immediately. Don’t do that, parent. Just try this. Try this in your home. They always say, “Don’t try this at home.” I’m telling you to try this at home. Next time your child says something really stupid, dumb, whatever, rather than correct them and tell them the right thing, just say, “Wow, wow, interesting,” and walk away. Dr. Leman: And you will take the power out of that child. You have removed your sails from your child’s wind, and that’s why those books, Planet Middle School, and Have a New Teenager by Friday, Parenting Your Powerful Child, are just essential reading. You will thank Doug and Andrea, and hopefully me too, for bringing these books to you. These are life changing books for parents. Don’t suffer another day, parent. Doug: I think in conclusion here you’d said, “Run towards the fear. Address the fact that the kid could fall in the toilet and all that, though it’s never happened before.” Where’s the line between running towards the fear and empathizing with your kids? How do you know when to do which one? Dr. Leman: Okay, so the statement is, “Honey, I know this is real to you. I know you struggle with this. Okay? I’m not in your shoes. I can’t experience what you’re experiencing, but I have faith in you that you’re going to solve this problem.” When the teacher sends home this note about your kid and the terrible behavior that your kid is exhibiting in the classroom … Okay, there’s the note. You just read it. What do you do? Dr. Leman: I would send an email back that says, “Hey, thank you for letting me know what’s going on. I just want you to understand both my husband and myself feel strongly that you and the other professional people at school will deal with this problem with our son, Matthew, in a professional and efficient way. We wish you the very best.” Now, what have we done there? We’ve said, “Thank you for letting us know. Now there’s … I’ll deal at home with what I need to deal with, but I can’t deal with what happens in the classroom. That’s your responsibilities.” Dr. Leman: See, lots of times the teacher who really doesn’t know what to do, she just sends the email home that says how terrible your kid is, and somehow you’re going to do something magical at home that’s going to make the kid behave differently in school. No, the teacher and the administration are the ones that are going to make a difference in that kid’s behavior in school, whether it’s an in school suspension, or depending upon the grade level, a chair, what we call a thinking chair, where you put a kid in a thinking chair, and they don’t come out of the thinking chair until they think of a way that they could have handled the situation better. There’s all kinds of ways to skin the proverbial cat. Dr. Leman: But again, parents, don’t get sucked in to thinking that you can control what happens in the classroom, because you can’t. Well Doug and Andrea, I hope this has been helpful. I know parents struggle with powerful children. And my goodness, Tiffany has for sure a powerful child. So again, we pitched those books to you. You can ignore it and keep living your life the way you want to live it. Or if you need some immediate help, Parenting Your Powerful Child, and Have a New Kid by Friday, Have a New Teenager by Friday, Planet Middle School, all are great books to turn your child’s life in a positive direction. So again, thanks Andrea, and thanks, Doug, for being such a vital part of this. I know people love it. So thanks and we’ll look forward to seeing everybody next time. Doug: Tiffany, thanks a lot for your question. And just as a reminder, that you guys can go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion, birthorderguy.com, and leave your audio question for us there. There’s a microphone, and we love answering your questions. It’s such a blessing to hear real world questions through this. And as Dr. Leman said, I can’t encourage you enough, if this is your powerful child, go get the book, Parenting Your Powerful Child, or Have a New You by Friday. Well, we look forward to the next time we get to be with you and add to your parenting toolbox, so that you can love those kids more and more and more. Take care. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Bye bye. Andrea: Bye bye.

Do your middle school and high school kids struggle at home? In school? Are you concerned about their choices and the impact it will have on their future? Dive into today’s episode with Dr. Leman and learn how to handle these issues as your kids grow into young adults. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   **Special Offer– Sep 3 – 9: Parenting Your Powerful Child ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Well last time, you got to get help if you had that pre-K or kindergartner on up to elementary school kid. And now we get to ask Dr. Leman, what about junior high and high school years? And specifically, we’re going to ask him to drill down on, “Man, my kid and I are either fighting about school or my kid is struggling at school, Dr Leman. What can I do to help them out?” Doug: Well, hi. I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today and welcome. If this happens to be your first time, want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, I am excited for this episode because as our kids have progressed from elementary to middle school to high school, man, there are some differences there. And there are some way different issues that kids are dealing with as they go through those early years to the teenage peer years. Doug: So help these parents that are listening to this. Like, “Man, I got this kid out there in middle school and I got this kid out there in high school and I’m telling you this school is H-E, you know what, double hockey sticks. And they’re struggling.” Andrea: And I hear moms say, “Yeah, my son’s going to be going into middle school.” And middle school has this tinge to the way they say it because that’s a scary step. Dr. Leman: I’ve got to tell you guys something funny. We get a lot of positive feedback on our podcasts from people. And I got one recently that really just … it was really all about you, quite frankly, the Terpenings. And the quote was, Doug, are you sitting down? The quote was, “Oh, I just love the Terpenings. Especially, especially,” guess who Doug? Doug: Andrea. Dr. Leman: Andrea. Yeah. Were you sitting down? You knew that probably. Doug: Nobody ever said that. Dr. Leman: People love Andrea because, you know, they say nice things about me once in a while, too. But people really like the Terpenings because you’re married, you’re a couple, you don’t always think alike. I think some of the things that you’ve said, Doug, on our podcast have really endeared yourself to not only men, but to women. When you’ve sort of admitted, you know, I used to be this kind of a guy and I’ve done a lot of changing. And that speaks volumes about the kind of character that Doug Terpening has. But I just think it’s really sort of cute and funny that this lady, I’ll never forget how she said it, “Especially, especially Andrea.” Dr. Leman: So Doug and Leman are, you know, we’re chump change and she saw gold. So Andrea- Andrea: And I say about 1% of the words on the podcast. Dr. Leman: … we’re glad you’re a part of this every day. Well I don’t think it’s 1%. We ought to do a measurement on that sometime, Doug. Dr. Leman: Anyway, listen. So listen. Yeah, I would like to talk about the older kids. And by older, we’re saying seventh grade and eighth grade. If you’ve never read, by the way, Planet Middle School. I mean check the ratings out on that book. The reviews on that book, they’re wonderful. Dr. Leman: I don’t mind saying I don’t review my own books, obviously. They tend to scratch where parents itch. Dr. Leman: But all of a sudden you’ve got this kid who sat in your lap and, you know, goes with the flow. And all of a sudden they hit the hormone group, as I like to call it, around seventh grade. And you wonder if it’s the same kid. Did he grow up in the same house? And so what you have to understand is that they’re beginning to really flex their individuality. They’re spreading their wings a little bit. They want more freedom. I had a 15-year old tell me recently, he says, “Does mom really think that I can’t read the menu?” [inaudible 00:00:03:59]. Dr. Leman: And then there’s the mom saying, “Look, look honey, they have this,” and, “look honey, they have that.” And the kid confides in me is this, “She doesn’t think I can read this thing?” Dr. Leman: So you’ve got to be careful here. They’re growing up. Let me give you a word picture of Kevin Leman in seventh grade. I walked to school. I grew up in Buffalo, New York, area. I would go to a little restaurant across the street from the school. And we had a seven through 12 school. And I would sit there in the morning and get a Danish pastry, a cup of coffee, and I would smoke some cigarette butts that I smuggled out of my father’s ashtray in my home. And if I didn’t order coffee, I would order a root beer that came in an iced mug. I was such a punk. I mean, and I struggled in seventh grade academically, I struggled in eighth grade. I struggled all through high school. Dr. Leman: You know, many of you know my story. I graduated right at the bottom of my class in high school. Looking back, my mother seemed to spend more time at school than I did. She certainly spent a lot of time with my teachers. And she went to those proverbial nights where the parents would go from class to class, meet all the teachers. I always hated that because it was like, “Okay, they’re talking about me.” Dr. Leman: And she’d always come home with the same one liner. “All of your teachers say the same thing. You could really do something if you’d only apply yourself.” I hated that statement. And I heard it over and over and over again. If I would only apply myself, I was a jerk. But you know what? If someone would have pointed out to me that I was the youngest of three children. I wish I knew Dr. Kevin Leman then, because he could have really helped me. Dr. Leman: He would have said things like, “You know, your older brother, he’s the captain of the football team. He’s the quarterback. He was voted best looking in his class. And your sister, your older sister, I know she’s like a second mother to you, but she never got a B in her life in anything.” Dr. Leman: Well see, I could have used some insight that I was behaving the way I was behaving because I felt I could never measure up to brother or sister. So when teachers in Williamsville Central High School saw me come up, and they saw that last name, they assumed that I would be like my brother who was a very, very good student, and my sister who was a perfect student. Boy, were they surprised. Dr. Leman: They used to walk up and down and collect homework papers and you’d put them on your left or right corner of your desk when you were done. The teachers never even broke stride when they came to my desk. They knew it wouldn’t be there. Dr. Leman: So I’m telling … This is a prelude to what we’re talking about. Kids who struggle in school. What would’ve been helpful is if my parents would have probably got me a tutor, an older girl would be fine, like a freshman. Dimples would be great. Well I won’t go into any more details. Dr. Leman: But nevertheless, getting me help academically at that point probably would have helped me a lot. And parents, all I’m saying is if you got a kid that struggled … Again, let’s look back at the last school year and how many shouting matches and how many tears and how many slammed doors and how many, “You don’t understand and I can’t do it and you need to help me.” And all those kinds of discussions that took place. What possibly could give you reason to think that this next year, this year that we’re starting right now, is going to be any different? I’m here to tell you it’s not going to be any different. If anything, it’s going to get worse. Dr. Leman: So what are some creative ways that you can help your child who seems to really lack some basic skills educationally? For some of you it might mean taking them for an evaluation. Maybe there’s some other things going on in the kid’s life. But my point is you have to have a new game plan for this year. And once those kids hit seventh and eighth grade, hopefully you’re kids not sitting at the corner drugstore this morning or at the counter at the little restaurant, smoking a cigarette in seventh grade and drinking coffee. Hopefully they’re smarter than I was. Dr. Leman: But nevertheless, all I’m saying is, you got to have a game plan here. So if kids are troubled, look for ways of getting help. Go to the teacher, go to the professional, go to the counselor at school and say, “What do you think? What do you think we should do? What kind of help could we give our son or our daughter?” Dr. Leman: So again, with older kids, they’re now … Activities tend to become more predominant. They take more time. If your kid gets involved in sports, you know what that drill’s like. Which brings me to the point of do you lessen the responsibility that your teenager has in the home? I think the answer is yes. Dr. Leman: Why do I say yes? Because younger kids need to pick up the slack. Because older kids are involved in more things. They have, quite frankly, less time to do things around the house. And that’s a great way of ensuring that everybody pitches into the family. Dr. Leman: So again, with older kids, you’re talking about getting a driver’s permit and getting a driver’s license. And I’d ask you the question, is your kid responsible at home? Yes. Is your kid responsible in school? Yes. Well, if there’s two yeses, then yes, a kid can get a job. That’s not a right. It’s a privilege to get a job. Could my kid drive a family car? He could if both of those are yeses. Dr. Leman: So there’s a lot to consider when you think about the school year and how important are grades? And do your kids have a long-range plan? And are they college material, so to speak? Are they more vocationally oriented? Is your son or daughter in the right high school? Maybe they should be in a charter school, a private school. Andrea: Dr. Leman, I want to jump back to the struggling student and how you suggested getting a tutor. And I guess what I’m wondering is, what about the kid who’s, it’s because they’re emotionally struggling? Maybe the emotionally struggling has led to academic struggles. But maybe they’re not even academically struggling. Is it still a tutor that they need? Or will the tutor for a child who’s emotionally struggling and academically struggling help the emotional side, too? Dr. Leman: I think to answer your question directly, I think the academic help helps with the rest of it as well, Andrea. I think parents sometimes move too quickly to take their kid to the neighborhood shrink. And I think they fear that somehow their kids aren’t going to make it, that they’re going to be left behind. There’s a lot of parents who push. Dr. Leman: We did some shows, in fact, I did a op-ed for Fox News in New York on the super rich actors and actresses who paid exorbitant amounts of money to get their kids into prestigious universities, where they had absolutely no right to be there. Dr. Leman: So parents are well known for doing things for their kids that kids could be doing for themselves. And it’s fear based, that somehow my kid’s not going to measure up. It’s more important that your kids learn that failure is okay. It’s a stepping stone to doing the right thing and to getting things done right. Dr. Leman: Again, I go back to the basics. Your kid has to feel like you believe in them. I think I’ve shared this before, but one of my vivid memories from little league baseball. I was 12 years old and I was an All-Star. Okay? I was selected for the All-Star team, so I was a pretty good little baseball player. Dr. Leman: But I remember facing a guy named Norm Hankinson. I’m telling you, the guy had a five o’clock shadow. He was huge. He needed to shave twice a day and he was 12 years old. I remember him throwing a fast ball and I remember my little knees shaking at that plate. I still remember my father yelling, “Hit it out of the park, Kevin! Hit it out of the park!” Dr. Leman: And I’m thinking, “Hit it out of the park? How about a foul tick? Would you settle for a foul tick?” Dr. Leman: But you know, I’ll say something about John and May Leman, they believed in their kid even though there wasn’t a lot of reason to do so. Dr. Leman: When you think of all mighty God, he looks at us as these little incomplete scribble-like pictures that maybe a four or five year old would do that are on refrigerators across U.S. and Canada today. And yet he loves us. He wants what’s best for us. But are we a completed work? No. Dr. Leman: And so the hard part, parent, is how do you encourage your kid on a daily basis? And how do you measure out that vitamin N, no, to give balance to your kid, so that your kid knows deep down in their heart you care about them, you care about their feelings. Again, parent, when was the last time you sat at the dinner table and said, “Honey, I’d love your opinion about this. I’d love your opinion about that.” When was the last time you did that? Dr. Leman: When did you get into your kid’s mind and say, “Help me out. I’m trying to understand some things. I see these things on TV and I hear these stories and I hear things that young people are doing to themself. Like cutting, for example. I don’t get that. Honey, can you shed any light on that?” Andrea: Hmm. Dr. Leman: I mean, get it into your kid’s head. Let them know that you live in this world. Let them know that you want their opinion. You respect their ideas. Dr. Leman: Let me ask y’all a question. All you listening right now, do you associate with people that you’re uncomfortable with? Oh, I heard a resounding no. No way. Then why would your kids hang out with people that they feel uncomfortable around? So the question, parent, is, do your kids feel comfortable around you? And if they don’t, why? Why don’t you ask them? This might be a great learning experience for you. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, I really want to come back to the whole believe in your kids and failure is a stepping stone. But I’m not going to forget this time that we have an e-book promotion, which fits in perfectly in here. Doug: So this one, I know you should be out buying this book. So for a $1.99, from September 3rd through September 9th of 2019, don’t be upset, Dr. Leman. You can get Parenting Your Powerful Child. For those that have no idea what that is, how will that book help them? Dr. Leman: Well, number one, let me say that should never happen, that you’re able to buy that book for a $1.99. Parenting Your Powerful Child is pure gold. If you have a kid that if you said, “The sky is blue.” He says, “Actually, it’s Aqua.” This is a book for you. Dr. Leman: This is a kid that when you tell them to do this, it’s a pretty good prediction he’s going to do just the opposite. He has reasons he loves to fight with you, argue with you. Chances are he’ll be a courtroom attorney someday. Who knows, maybe he’ll make a lot of money and give you some money in your old age. Dr. Leman: But nevertheless, dealing with powerful children, they say I only count in life when I win, when I dominate, when I control. They’re not fun people to live with and they’re certainly not fun people to marry, by the way. Dr. Leman: So this is a book that helps you to see how you can remove your sails from your child’s wind, from the tornado-like winds that he or she throws your way. Your life will go smoother. Your kid will profit from it. You’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll do it without yelling and screaming at your kid. For $1.99, I’d download that thing this second. You cannot miss on Parenting Your Powerful Child. By the way, that world is full of them. Doug: You don’t have to hear me augment this, but I’m telling you, go buy that book, buy that book, buy that book. And you will thank us all later. Okay, now a no-nonsense parent advice from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: It’s safe to say the older you get in life, let me tell you, your faith is going to become more meaningful to you. You see the years and the months tick by and you ask yourself, “Where’d all those years go?” Dr. Leman: One of the things I’m truly indebted to my sweet mom for, and many of you have heard this story of one form or another, but it bears repeating. She put reminders of the importance of faith in my life as a young kid. There was a picture of Jesus knocking at the door. Many of you of can recall that picture. It’s a picture with no door knob on the outside. The point of that picture was that that door has to be opened on the inside by us, that we have to invite the living God into our life. And the other was a little plaque that read, “Only one life will soon be passed. Only what’s done for Christ will last.” Dr. Leman: I can tell you as a grown man that I’ve recited that just in the past, I’d say, the past month. I’ll bet I’ve said that little thing to myself 100 times. Just a reminder to put things in perspective about what’s really important in life. Dr. Leman: Well, one of the reasons why that is real to me today, is that I saw the realness in my mother’s faith. And later in life, my dad’s faith. He came to faith at age 56. It was my mom who was the primary person who set faith in all of her three children. She set it forward in a natural way. I mean, she tried. God love her, she sent me to JOY Club. It was pathetic. It was pathetic. I still remember what JOY stood for, Jesus, others, and you. Dr. Leman: I hated that thing. It was after school. I want to go out and play and I had to be in some lady’s basement watching flannelgraphs. You’re not old enough to remember what a flannelgraph was. Ask some old guy what a flannelgraph was. They were boring as mud. Dr. Leman: But, you know, my mom lived the Christian life. She was kind, she was concerned for other people. She prayed for other people. I saw with my own eyes. So all you parents out there who are in such a hurry to make sure your kid has faith, listen, chill, kickback, show your faith, show your life to your kids. Talk to them about things that are a concern. See things in the headlines of the newspapers or on Yahoo News and talk about them. And don’t be afraid to say, “Honey, I’d like to hear your opinion on this.” Remember, their opinion’s going to be different. Don’t ask questions, ask opinion. That’s a little bonus on today’s tip. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I have two burning questions here. You said failure can be a stepping stone and believe in our kids. But I have to get … My kids have to get almost all A’s or at least all A’s and B’s to have any shot at getting into a good college. So I can’t let them fail. Yet you’re telling me let them fail and use failure as a stepping stone? They’ll never make it to a good college. So why are you dooming my kids to [crosstalk 00:18:49]? Dr. Leman: Well, all right, let’s play out that scenario real quickly. As a parent, you’re reminding your kid to get in a good college. Someday you need straight A’s and a few B’s and all that. And you can explain to him how much money it is to send them down the road to that university, whether it be private or public. It’s a lot of money these days. Dr. Leman: But your kid misfires, and he doesn’t do that, and he drags his feet, and he barely graduates from college. Let’s take that. Doug: Okay. Dr. Leman: That’s your dreaded fear. He didn’t do anything. He just did enough, a lick and a holler to get by. Today’s educational is set up for that kid. That kid, once motivation sets in, once maturity comes to his life and he says, “I’ve been a fool. I need to do something with my life.” He, even with that terrible high school record, can get in a local community college, he can take two years and get above average grades and transfer to most state universities in the state you live. Dr. Leman: So the reality is, even though he screwed up in high school, and I’m not advocating, I’m just saying it happens, that kid, with proper motivation, can do two years in a community college, transfer to a university. Really get motivated and want to get a master’s degree or maybe even a doctorate degree. I think we sort of overplay that. Dr. Leman: I would also underscore that every kid does not need to go to college. We’ve got too many kids in college who do not need a college education. They would benefit from a technical school much more than the local universities. Andrea: So you’re saying don’t worry about a few failures, let that be a teaching opportunity for them, and it’s going to work itself out down the road? Dr. Leman: Well, I can’t quote it verbatim, but there’s a thing out there on Abraham Lincoln about how he lost this election. Lost that, failed this, failed this, failed that. I’m going to make a guess that Abe did pretty good in life. Every time I pick up a penny, I have that thought. Dr. Leman: And by the way, when I say pick up a penny, I no longer pick up pennies. When change drops from my pocket, I survey the situation. If there’s a quarter or two, I might bend down. Sometimes I bend down. I ask myself, “Why did I bend down this far? Now I got to get up.” Dr. Leman: Yeah, if you talk to anybody in life who’s successful, they’ll tell you a failure was a part of their life. Doug: So here’s my question. I love all this. This makes me feel good, blah, blah, blah. But Dr. Leman, I got to be honest with you, my kid, we got behavior issues. Doug: A, I can’t get him to do his work. It’s just a fight at home. And to be honest, I’m working, my spouse is working. I ain’t got time for this. I know I should. I can’t really do this, but he’s out of control. I love all this advice, but I ain’t got the strength. Dr. Leman: Kids care about money, privilege, cars, internet, games. Parents, you have to hit kids where they hurt. If a kid isn’t pulling their weight in their home, you discipline them with love. Which means, again, would you let a kid drive a car that not responsible? No. Would you give kid money and you know he’s smoking pot? No, I wouldn’t give him a dime. If he wants money, he can go out and earn it. Get a part-time job someplace. You have to realize there’s only certain things you can do as a parent. Dr. Leman: But what we’re not going to do is make it easy for him to engage himself in things that are hurtful to himself, to others, and society. Dr. Leman: And sooner or later you have the toilet paper talk that you’ve heard me describe. Where you sit a kid down and try to get attention for just five minutes. And if he’s 15 years old, my suggestion is bring 18 jointed toilet tissue and hold them up in front of your kid. And they’re going to think you’re nuts. And drop them off one at a time until you only have three or four left in your hand. Dr. Leman: And say, “Honey, you have three or four years remaining in your sentence here in this prison, in this home. We know you’re unhappy living here. We can’t help that. We’re not in charge of your happiness. But I can tell you one thing, that when on your 18th birthday, that’s February 17th if I remember rightly, you are free man. You’re a free woman. You can go anywhere you want. We wish you the best. I know you’re going to tackle life with an enthusiasm and we’re going to wish you the very best at that day.” Sometimes that doesn’t. Dr. Leman: Sometimes that gets a kid’s attention that, you know what? I am growing up. I am getting older. Or what am I going to do in life? and for some of those kids, they join the service. And they finish high school barely and go in and figure out what life’s all about. And somehow military training helps some of these kids turn their lives around. Dr. Leman: Or like in my case, it was a spiritual awakening at age 21, changed my life. But I went from a flunking D, F student to an honor roll student and never looked back. How’d that happen? In my case had happened with the intervention of all mighty God. Doug: So Mrs. T., You got a wild child like that. You got 18 rolls of toilet paper. Can you do that? Andrea: Oh, it feels kind of cold like to say, “Well, okay. This date you’re out.” But I was just reflecting the other day how important it is that I actually have to kind of let go my kids as young adults and I can’t control their choices. I can’t control where they go. I can love them. And hopefully that relationship will … that they want to come to me for advice. But I have to let go and let them make their own choices. Dr. Leman: Maybe Andrea, instead of toilet paper, you should use fine chocolates. Bring 18 of them. Andrea: And I’ll eat them as I count Let’s see, we’re on year 15, so I’ll eat 15. Dr. Leman: And you give the last four to your son or daughter. Yeah. Andrea: Okay. I’ll do that. Dr. Leman: But be sure to put each individual chocolate on a little toilie. A little, you know, whatever they call those things. Andrea: Doily. Not a toilie. Dr. Leman: The little fancy … A doily. Did I say toilie? Andrea: You said toilie. I think I did. Yeah. It’s a doily. It’s a little doily. Or if you want, give him a doily while he’s on the toilie. And that ought to be a good conversation. Doug: Okay, you two. Dr. Leman: I almost laughed at myself. That was very bad. Doug: That was funny. Well, Dr. Leman, that sounds cold-hearted, but Andrea and I have done it. Like, no, we haven’t done the toilet paper thing. But you’ve told us other harsh things to tell … that sound very harsh to our kids. And all of our kids have always responded to them. Doug: And the other thing that you said, if you’re a new listener, you may not have heard it. But Dr. Leman was pointing out that, use your phrase, they wouldn’t have underwear if it weren’t for you. And don’t be afraid to use the reality that you are paying for all these things to help your kids do the right thing for their sake. Andrea: The one I like is when you say if they, you know, if they’re talking about leaving home and you say, “Go ahead. I’m sure there’s somebody else that’ll pay for your phone, and your food, and your rent.” And just the reality of there’s nowhere else I’m going to get such a deal. Doug: So Dr. Leman, full disclosure here, and then we should let you talk, is we actually did that with one of our kids. We said, “Hey, we know that this is a really rough place to have free food, and free internet, and free heat, and free water. And just in a couple years you’ll be out.” And they were pissed at us at first. But you know what? Their behavior changed. It was shocking, actually. So it worked. Dr. Leman: Well, it’s the reality of life and, you know, I coined the term in 1984, reality discipline, when I did the first edition of Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. Dr. Leman: And you know, you mentioned new listeners. And we gather new listeners every week. We know that. I would remind you, young, new moms and dads who’ve never read a Leman book, pick up, Have a New Kid by Friday, or Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, The Birth Order Book. Those are [inaudible 00:26:23] to understand what we talk about on our podcast every day. Dr. Leman: If you’re a business person, you’ve never read The Way of the Shepherd or The Way of the Wise, those are two of my favorite little books. And there’s 60-some Leman books out there. So a few of them are good. Trust me, you’ll enjoy them and they’ll be practical and hopefully make you laugh, hope you have a sense of humor. Dr. Leman: Writing humor is interesting, because you write it and speak it and they’re two different things. People don’t always get humor in the written form. But you’ll like the books. And we thank Revell for sponsoring this podcast. And we get great reviews from those of you who listen to us. And now be a good friend to us and pass it along to your friends. It’s free, as you know, what could be better? Doug: And if you’re a new listener and you’re just listening to this, I can’t recommend that you read these books enough. And the reason why is it gives you, the parent, the confidence to do the right thing. You just, it’s like having your own coach cheering you on next to you. So it’s helped me tremendously. It’s definitely changed … I tell people it’s changed my parenting. And we have a 20-year old that texts us almost every day. And it’s worth it. So do it, go for it. Doug: Okay, well, we love helping you and we want you to have an amazing relationship with your kids for decades and decades and decades. And that’s why we do this. And that’s why we encourage you to read these books and we love, love, love being with you. So we look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye bye. Doug: Bye bye.

In this engaging discussion, Dr. Kevin Leman, a parenting expert and founder of the Leman Academies, shares invaluable tips for preparing kids for their return to school. He emphasizes the importance of familiarization techniques and establishing routines to ease transitions for young children. Dr. Leman also addresses the emotional challenges during the first day of school, advocating for a balance between encouragement and authoritative parenting. Additionally, he highlights the significance of nurturing each child's unique identity, fostering their development in a supportive environment.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I handle my cranky 2-year-old?” In this episode, Dr. Leman gives advice on how to act upon signs of a powerful child even at the age of 2.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: This mom has a two-year-old and a brand new baby at home. And the two-year-old demands mom or nothing. Do you ever feel like it’s mom or nothing at your home? Let’s see what Dr. Leman has to say to Ashley. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And welcome to the podcast of Have a New Kid with Dr. Kevin Leman. We are so glad that you are with us and if this happens to be your first time, just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: So Dr. Leman, it’s been a long, long, long time since we’ve done this. So I’m going to ask you a couple of questions about what you’re doing in life these days. How many books have you written? Dr. Leman: I think it’s now 64. Doug: Okay. Dr. Leman: And as I always say a few of them are good, but you know the reason we’ll take Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours for example. Do you know that book came out in 1984? Let’s do some math here. Doug, you’re probably best at math. 16 and 19, sounds like that might be 35 Doug: Yeah, that sounds like 35 to me. Dr. Leman: So that book has been in print for 35 years. Do you know that most books sold in America sell fewer than 5,000 copies? These are million sellers. I’ve been blessed with longevity in my writing career. The books continue to sell using publisher terminology, that’s what they call backlist gold because once they’ve paid the author, the advance whatever comes in as sort of gravy, they paid off the book. They love books like that, but my question to myself is, why does a book hang around that long? Why isn’t that book out of print? Dr. Leman: In fact, I did a major revision on it a couple of years ago and it just jettisoned the book to new heights once again. Well, again, I know there’s seasons listening so just hang on, put your seat belt on and drink some Kool-Aid for a minute. Okay. These books are based upon the teachings that are found in the Bible, particularly with a guy named Saint Paul and they work because the principles are God-given principles. Dr. Leman: Now if you don’t believe in God, whatever. I mean, like I say, have a Starbucks, kick back and do whatever you want to do. I’m just telling you that the long lasting nature of these books whether on a marriage, like the Intimate Connection or Making Children Mind or Having a New Kid by Friday, they’ll continue to be around because from whence they came and people who know me know I want to be practical. I probably have too much fun, but my books tend to be fun, make you chuckle and laugh at yourself. I laugh at myself during the books. And so yeah, to answer the question about 64 books and they’re still around and they’re in every possible language. Dr. Leman: I spoke last weekend in Los Angeles at a wonderful church. Most of the people that are in fellowship are Korean. And of course I have books in Korean and Chinese and Japanese, all the Asian languages. And you see that the printed word really does reach throughout the world. So I’m just thankful to God that he gave me this platform. We get a lot of feedback about the Terpenings and how much they love you guys and how much they love our podcasts. And I would just ask you guys to help spread the word. Go on Facebook and say, “Hey, if you never heard of Leman Podcast, here it is. It’s worth it. And it’s free.” You don’t beat free. Doug: And do you have any children yourself? Dr. Leman: I have five big ones. The youngest is 26, so we’re old and they’re all very, very successful in life. Anybody cares to know. And they all like their parents, which I hope… For those of you who have young kids, you know, you sometimes when you hear me talk about reality, discipline you think, “Oh, I wonder if that’s too harsh. Are my kids going to love me?” You know, if you discipline your kids with love, they’re not only going to like you, but when they’re older like ours are, they’re going to want to hang out with you. It’s really a nice feeling. Doug: And the reason I wanted to go back down that road is just again to validate that this has been proven for decades. This is not just a brand new fly by night concept that you’re bringing up and it’s proven in your kids that they… One of my favorite things is sometimes we have to stop the podcast because one of your kids is calling you at 6:30 in the morning on their way to work just to connect with dad. Right? Dr. Leman: It’s now 7:10, 7:19 in Tucson, Arizona. And I think it’s the same time where you are. And at 5:17 this morning, I was exchanging texts with one of my daughters. So we talk a lot. Yeah. Doug: It’s just crazy that the reason… I’m so glad you said that, that part of this that convinced Andrea and I is the proof of the way that your grown children love you and interact with you. And also can I say, your marriage to your wife was beautiful when we got to be with you in your home and see how much you guys love each other. Okay. I just say that this guy is the real deal and it’s not just some made up. It’s been proven in what he’s done. So we get to hear Ashley’s question now. Here we go. Here’s Ashley’s question for you. Ashley: Hi Dr. Leman. My name is Ashley. I’m a new mom. I have a two-year-old and a seven-week-old. I’m a huge fan. I started reading your books in college, The Birth Order Book, and I’m 35 now, a recovering firstborn perfectionist, thanks to you. Ashley: I have two questions. I want to know how I handle my two-year-old who wakes up cranky and irritable sometimes. Maybe she didn’t get enough sleep the night before or we got her to bed too late and the day just starts off on the wrong foot. Sometimes I’ll use humor like you’ve suggested and imitate her tantrums and you know you’re right, that really diffuses her power struggle and we just end up laughing together. Other times, I’ll just cuddle her and I’ll be really loving toward her. But you know, the entire day kind of is off on the wrong foot. So I was just wondering if I’m doing the right things, if I’m handling that correctly, if there’s a better way. Ashley: Secondly, with the new baby in the house, my first born’s gotten a lot more needy, and she’s always preferred me to my husband but lately it’s mom or nothing. And especially when it comes to bath time and bed time, I could really use my husband’s help. He’s more than willing to help, but my daughter will not let him touch her, especially for bath time or bedtime. She will get very angry. She’ll scream, she’ll hit him, really rude, you know. We try to deal with that, but most of the time we’ll just avoid it all together and I will give her her baths and put her to bed. Bedtime is a special time for us, but sometimes, especially with a newborn, I could use the help and we’d like to do it without her screaming at us. So any thoughts would be great. Dr. Leman: Oh Ashley, you’re cuter than cute, and it’s so good to know you’re a recovering firstborn perfectionist because that’s probably the root of some of what’s going on here, I’m sure. You’re probably more than a good mom at this stage. And everybody stop and think, “Okay, she’s got a two-year-old and a newborn.” Okay, so you’ve got to figure out what’s going on in two-year-old’s mind, the invader has come home. The thing is getting more attention than he or she deserves. And so her position in life is being threatened. So she’s going to be predictably more clingy. Dr. Leman: And the thing about she just wants you mom, trust me on this one, that is going to reverse before too long and she’s going to become more of a daddy’s girl as she grows older. You mentioned bathing at night. Most parents bathe at night, I get it, but it only revives them. I wouldn’t bathe a child at night. I’d bathe them in the morning. Dr. Leman: You do need your husband’s help. And just because little Princess Attila doesn’t appreciate dad and she’s going to fuss and scream, I would have dad give her a quick bath, notice the word quick, and get her dried off and if she’s still in pull ups or something, get that sucker on, jammies on if she wears those, put her down her bed and she can wail at the moon, she can scream, she can throw a hissy fit, but I would continue to add dad to the picture. Dr. Leman: Getting dad out of the picture, and I realize what you’re saying Ashley, he really wants to help, make him help. Say, “Listen, we’re not going to have a single parent home here. She’s got a dad and a mom and a wonderful dad and you need to be a part of this.” Dr. Leman: So I wouldn’t back off on that. But she has an insatiable need for you. So she is a powerful two-year-old. So we have to address this, Ashley, which one of you are powerful? Husband or wife? Who insists that things are done exactly the right way? My guess is it’s sweet Ashley, because you are a recovering perfectionist and that’s pretty hard to shake. Dr. Leman: I know bedtime’s important. You want to make it a pleasurable experience. And what I’m suggesting right now is going to make it a not so pleasurable for awhile, but you can also make it that dad is a story reader at night. I don’t know what your traditions are for tucking in, but I’ve often said when my wife is tucking in our grandchildren, when we’re babysitting them, when they were younger, I mean it’d take her two hours to tuck them in. I can tuck a child in in 47 seconds. No problem. Dr. Leman: And the kids, when they see it’s grandpa, they know what it’s going to be. “I love you, honey. Say prayers.” Tuck them in. I’m done. I’m out. Mama. Oh, it’s amazing what they come up when grandma’s in there. “Grandma, I want a drink. Oh, grandma, I want a cookie. Can I get a cookie?” I mean, grandma’s the biggest sucker in the world. Like I say, it takes two hours till one of the kids will need sleep. Dr. Leman: So anyway, I don’t use the term force a lot. I don’t think I’ve said force on any of our podcasts to date, but I think this is one of those things where you sort of say, “Honey, I need you to step up the plate and just do this. I know it’s not going to be good for a while, but we’ve got to get her used to, ‘Hey, you got a mom and a dad, not just a mom,'” because you’re going to wear down. You can’t do it all. Dr. Leman: Now right now with an infant, as stressful as that is, wait till that little infant is now a year old and walking and now you’ve got a three-year-old and a one-year-old. Talk about stress, there it is in spades. Dr. Leman: So I think you nipped this in the bud the best you can. I would make that routine right now as short as possible for getting her into bed. And like I say, if she’s going to overreact to it and have a hissy fit, you have a monitor, I’m sure you can watch what’s going on in that room. But I’d let her melt down and cry herself to sleep if that’s what has to happen. But she’ll get used to it and she’ll fall in line. I wish you best. Doug: How long will she have these hissy fits and meltdowns, do you think? Dr. Leman: She’ll probably have them for a few nights, be a good guest, depending upon how powerful she is. Some kids, believe it or not, one night and they’re done, they figure it out. But I would guess two or three nights. Andrea: So Dr. Leman, are you recommending that there’s no more of that special bedtime tucking in like story? I know a lot of us, including myself, that especially with the younger children, that that bedtime is so sweet of like, “We’re going to read I love You to the Moon and Back, and we’re going to sing our song, and we’re going to pray together,” and we have a routine and you’re just saying cut that out. Dr. Leman: Yeah, I’m… Well, that’s why I said I don’t use the word force very often, but I mean this is a two-parent family and this little daughter and infant are so blessed to have a two-parent family. Think about that for a minute. And they become one and they need to be a unit and they have to work together. Now some people would suggest, well why don’t both of you do that? Well, you got an infant too. I don’t know if she’s nursing the infant or whatever, but you know, mom needs a break. And when mom sees dad come through the door, she’s saying to herself, “Oh, good. Help is on the way.” You know what your family room looks like, ladies, when you got a two-year-old. How many times a day do you pick that sucker up? And I’m just saying at two, they’re very trainable and she will fall in line. Dr. Leman: So you’re loving and you’re firm. And when she responds in a negative of… And number one, don’t let her hit you. I remember that was part of the conversation. Dad can hold her arms in such a way that she can’t hit anybody, and he can simply lay her down and tell her it’s night-night time. If she’s got a musical thing she goes to bed with or whatever, you turn that on, nightlights on or whatever you do, close the door and leave. And again, she may have a major meltdown but she won’t have… They won’t continue because it’s not paid off. Andrea: If dad wants to do the story book routine at night, is that okay? Dr. Leman: Sure. But you start with that. But if she’s going to have the major hissy fit like dad walks in, and he’s got their favorite story book and she starts fussing and what Ashley is saying is she ain’t buying that, she wants only mommy to read me the story. And so you start reading the story. She starts fussing. You close the book. Story time’s over. You pick her up and you put her in the bed and you leave. She’ll wail like a coyote at the moon, but so be it. It’s good for lung development. Doug: I remember the first time that after hearing you that we did something like this with our children, I don’t remember the specific incident now, but it was one time and our kids were like in shock and they were like, “This is not paying off. We’re not going here.” And I also remember with young children, it was about every six months or so they would decide or three months, somewhere there, they would decide to test the waters to be like, “Huh, I wonder if this will pay off now.” Right? And, you know- Dr. Leman: Yeah. It’s how they think. Doug: So, and now I’m telling you, parenting is so easy with teenagers because of the changes we’ve made because of the advice and the help that you’ve given us. Well, I have good news, bad news for you. The good news is we have been running some amazing specials on this podcast for all of our listeners and today we have no ebook for you. So if you were thinking this is going to go on forever, this doesn’t go on forever, and you should have taken advantage of those when you had the chance. I’m sure they’re going to be coming back, but as of right now, we have no ebook special, but we do have a no nonsense parenting advice from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: A lot of things I say are hard to compute in your mind when you first hear them. Children are the enemy. Fighting is not to cooperation. How about this one? Reminders are disrespectful. Warnings are disrespectful. Let’s take that on. Let me tell you why. When you remind, you’re really in essence you’re trying to help your son or daughter. “Honey, remember you had to do this? Remember you had to do that.” Dr. Leman: Well, there’s a track record there where your kids haven’t been mindful and that’s why you’re reminding them. I go back to the chart idea. And although I’m not huge on charts, I think if you have a school calendar, if you have a weekly calendar and that weekly calendar might be for every child in the family, it might be a wipe board where they put the days of the week up there or the month and they get to write in special things that they have to remember. I’d much rather have them be responsible for that than you. Dr. Leman: Now, what happens if the child does forget to take their flute to school? What happens if the child does forget lunch money? Well, what happens is life follows. There’s a consequence to that. So the sooner he or she learns that their lack of memory, their lack of remembering has a direct effect upon their embarrassment that they suffer at school or they’re not being able to participate in something they wanted to or their belly being empty when everybody else seems full, the sooner that happens in life, the better. So resist the temptation to warn, to remind, to coax and to bribe. All of those are very unhelpful. Andrea: So Dr. Leman, to give some hope to this parent, you said that eventually she’ll become daddy’s girl. How does that happen? Dr. Leman: Well, it happens very naturally in most homes where mommy is the center piece of course, especially when mom has breastfed baby and all that, there’s that close, intimate bonding that goes on. But as a daughter grows older, there is a very special connection. If I could explain it sufficiently, I would. But it’s just something I’ve observed over the years. The daddies and daughters and mothers and sons have a unique experience and they’re drawn to each other. When parents are going the same place but are in different cars for different reasons, it’s not unusual for the daughter if there’s two kids to go with dad and the son to go with mom. And so it’s a progression. It’ll happen. It’s healthy. And my guess is before too long, daddy will be the center of daughter’s eye. She will seek and love his attention that he gives her. Doug: I remember the first time you said that, it was mind blowing. And then your book about it came out about be the dad you’re daughter needs you to be, is that right? Dr. Leman: Yeah. Be the Dad She Needs You to Be. Yeah. Doug: How will that help dads if they get that book? Dr. Leman: That’s a wonderful look to see… As men, we don’t do a good job of understanding women to begin with. We’re men. We see life differently, but there’s something about that feminine little daughter. I remember my son-in-law, Dennis, when his little Adeline was born, he was so cute. He wanted to go and buy her her first dress. I mean, she’s an infant. He went and bought her the cutest little dress. She’s 18 inches long, you know? Dr. Leman: It’s just something magical that happens between a dad and a daughter. And daddies represent all of manhood to this young woman. And that’s why it’s important that a dad takes that job seriously. So that book, Be the Dad She Needs You to Be, it rocks. People love that book. Women love their husbands to read that book. It makes them say things like, “Oh, that is so sweet.” Dr. Leman: And men are very, very capable of doing sweet things with their daughters. And I know myself as a dad, when that first little daughter came into our life, I mean, I think secretly I was hoping I’d have a boy. For what reason? I have no idea because I love having four daughters and one son. And those daughters have just been such a blessing in my life. And I see now as an adult and as a practicing psychologist the indelible imprint that I’ve left on all my daughters. And I know as adults many times they’ll stop and ask themself the question, “What would dad do in this situation?” And believe me, they got a great mom. They got a wonderful mom. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t love my wife Sandra. She’s got the loveliness of our own Andrea here. Dr. Leman: But daddies and daughters are special. It happens. My guess is by age four, you’re going to see, Ashley, this little sweetheart of yours gravitating toward her daddy. “I want my daddy.” And you’re going to tell her something and she’s going to give you a look and say, “I want my daddy.” Sort of fun to watch it happen. Doug: Well, I also think for you, Ashley- Andrea: Making children Mind Without Losing Yours. Doug: Yup. And Parenting Your Powerful Child would be a huge blessing to you as well as the book about Be the Dad She Needs You to Be. Again, these are just going to give you the confidence that you’re doing it right. So Ashley, you already read Birth Order book, so you know the impact of that. Highly, highly, highly recommend that you get those books. So again, you just have this internal confidence that you know what to do, what’s next, which is what helped Andrea and I so much, that when we were in confusion, every now and then, we would just like, “Okay, this is the Leman book thing right here.” We do this and it worked. And then you’re like, “Wow.” Doug: Instead of making it up on your own and guessing what you should do, it really just gives you a way to do it. Dr. Leman: Yeah. I’m so glad you brought that up, Doug, because part of her question was, “Hey, am I doing things right?” And yeah, you’re a good mom. I can tell by the call, the tone of your voice. You show your heart to us by your call. Yeah, you’re doing great. Okay? Can things be better? Obviously they can by getting dad involved. Is that going to create some turmoil in your heart and mind? It will, but it’ll be worth it. Okay? So you go ahead and do it. Enlist your hubby’s support and God bless you both. Let us hear from you. Doug: Ashley, we’d love to hear how it turns out for you as well. And as always, you can go to birthorderguide.com and get more resources there, or you can leave your own question like Ashley did at podcastquestionbirthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. And we love being with you. As Dr. Leman I think said at the beginning of this, feel free, you have all our permission to pass it on to others. If you know somebody who has this same situation that they’re dealing with and you want to bless them and help them out, it’s an incredible gift to others. So we look forward to the next time to add to your parenting toolbox so that you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye.

Without a strong foundation, a house will be unstable. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman explains the correlation between a strong marriage and a stable household. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   **Special Offer– Aug 13 – 19: Intimate Connection ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Man, marriage can be hard sometimes. Is it worth it? Does it really help my parenting? Is it worth it for me to spend more time with my spouse or with my kids? I don’t know. Doug: Should I be doing this? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman is, does my marriage, a healthy one really help me in my parenting? And what are the three specific ways it helps me? Hi, I’m Doug. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: Glad that you are with us today. This happens to be your first time, just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Dr. Leman, you have been married, I think, right? You are married? Dr. Leman: I’ve been married forever. I told you I only got married because I got sick of finishing my own sentences. Doug: Oh, Andrea is looking at giving you stink eye. You’re in trouble. Andrea: What was that last podcast? We did something about putting the ball in their court. Dr. Leman: Oh, she’s too smart for us, Doug, what can I tell you? Doug: Here’s the question. What are the three ways that really being in love with your spouse helps you in parenting? How does that trickle down to making parenting easier, and are there three ways you could identify that it helps us? Dr. Leman: Well, if you have a firm foundation, whatever is built on that foundation has a better chance of surviving. I love to tell a story of building the house, and 5:00 in the morning they had builders out there and it’s just getting light. Dr. Leman: And stupid me, I say to the builder, “Why are you here so early?” And he’s said, “Guy, I never see you.” He says, “Well, today is that they were pouring the foundation.” And dumb me I go, “Well, dude, what’s the big deal?” He said, “Kevin, if the foundation isn’t right, your whole home is off.”. Dr. Leman: I’ve never forgot those prophetic words because the foundation for your family is the two of you being rock solid, cemented together with a mortar of love and admiration, and respect for one another. And if that foundation is there and you truly do love each other, and you prioritize in your marriage, you will form an impervious wall where the kids cannot penetrate that and divide you in any way, shape or form. Dr. Leman: And some people are thinking, “Wait a minute, kids are going to divide you?” Yes, they do. They’re hedonistic kids. When you show that you have a lot of respect and you spend a lot of time with each other, and you prioritize and you’re going out for your date night, there are some kids who go, “Wait, you’re going out? What about us?” They’re hedonistic. Dr. Leman: You have to set the paradigm early in the marriage that the couple matters. You be a better parent because you do talk with each other. You don’t let things build up. You have good communication, and so the kids read that, they learn from that. Dr. Leman: When a kid comes and asks for something and all of a sudden he’s in a hurry, he needs this and that because it’s tomorrow. And you say to a son or daughter, “Honey, wait a minute, how long have you known this?” “Well, I’ve known this for a month.”. Dr. Leman: “Now you’re coming to me the night before and you want this, that and the other thing. I mean, that’s not the way life works, and it certainly isn’t the way things work in this family. I don’t know how you’re going to solve that problem, but I wish you the best at it.”. Dr. Leman: Now, what have you just told your nine year old? Don’t come in here expecting emergency aid and help when you haven’t done your work. That’s not how this family operates. Dr. Leman: What I’m saying is that kids catch the drift from you parents is how you do life. It’s a teachable moment. That’s the last time a nine year old hopefully is going to come ill prepared the last minute with a list of demands for you as parents. Dr. Leman: As I call it, the good ship family on the ocean of life, you have to pick to yourselves, both of you at the wheel of that ship, the good ship family. And again, the question I always like to ask is, do you have a destination? Do have a port of call? Do you know where you’re going? And if you do, the hands on deck will follow suit. Dr. Leman: People want to pursue and follow a leader. And I’m just saying if you’re a leader, and being together and one on marriage not only helps you obviously spiritually, but emotionally and practically as you deal with your children. Doug: I like that you said there’s fallout from a strong marriage in a good way. Are there some practical benefits to parenting that if you are shoulder to shoulder, as you say, both hands on the steering wheel, that make parenting better with a strong marriage? Dr. Leman: Yes, kids will try to please you even more when you give them vitamin E, which is encouragement. “Hey honey, you know I came home and I see that you picked up the front yard. You know what? That was so thoughtful of you. I think those are the neighbors papers, but I noticed you picked him up. That is so helpful. Thank you honey.” Dr. Leman: Again, keep in mind that kids want to please you. When you see things that the kids do and you just make a general comment of thanks, you’re giving that kid vitamin E. You’re telling them, “Hey mom and dad noticed.” You don’t say, “Well, somebody else is going to pick it up. You picked it up.” Dr. Leman: You’re building it. Those of you who want to be esteem builders in your kid’s life, while there’s a big break right there. Everything you do Doug, that’s in a positive way, feeds more positivity. Anything you’d do negatively, feeds what? More negative stuff. Doug: In this super busy world that we have, I just got be honest and say, I don’t think I have enough time to do work. Keep the home together, work on my marriage and take care of my kids. There’s one too many things in there, and marriage is the easiest one to drop because someday me and the missus will be stuck together. Why would I prioritize it now when I know my kids are leaving? Dr. Leman: Well, that was quite a whining you did there. We don’t have time. Let me get this straight. You don’t have time to do all your work. You don’t have time to work on your marriage. I’m sure you can handle it, Doug. Doug: Oh, but dad, it’s too hard. Dr. Leman: Listen, I might’ve shared this before, but it needs repeating. When I was a young dean of students at 29 years old, I went in and talked to the head dean, the big guy. And essentially, I was just whining about all the problems I had, because I was the administrator of the code of conduct at a university of 35,000 students. Dr. Leman: You can imagine I was a busy guy. And I came into my boss’s office and I was again sort of whining about all these problems I have. And the dean patiently listened to me and then he turned and he said, “Well, Kevin, it seems to me and I could be wrong, if you didn’t have all those problems, I really wouldn’t have much need to have you here in the office.” I went and gulped and left with my tail between my legs because he was right. Dr. Leman: He wouldn’t have any use for me If I didn’t have those problems, that’s what my job was. And what did he say so nicely? He said, “Suck it up Leman, and go do what I ask you to do.”. Dr. Leman: The whining that we do as adults and children, I always say if your kids are whining you need a wine cellar, that’s my famous one-liner. But kids only continue to wine because you listen to them. In their mind it pays off because you’re listening. Dr. Leman: As rude as it sounds when you say to a kid, “Honey talk to the hand, I know where this has gone. You need to figure that out yourself.” Dr. Leman: Yes, it sounds brutally, maybe too much, but kids are working and you’ve got to draw that line to the kids don’t continue to verbally paw at you, like a baby cub toward their mother. Doug: Well. The E-book special that we have this week is, The Intimate Connections, August 13th through 18th of 2019. Intimate Connections, August 13th and 18th, and it’s only $1.99. And the reason I’m bringing this topic up now is because this E-book is ideal. If you’re married. Dr Leman, what is this book about? Dr. Leman: All right, well, listen to what I’m about to tell you. I’ve written 63 or 64 books now. I believe that’s the best marriage book I’ve ever written. If you’re having a trouble figuring out each other, and your marriage isn’t where it ought to be… by the way, The Intimate Connection is the goal. Dr. Leman: You want to move to a place where you have that intimate connection, where you don’t miss a step and you can tell your mate anything and your feelings are tenderly guarded and cared for and cultivated. You’re listened to. Dr. Leman: But this is a comprehensive book. It just came out in 19 here and you will love this book. This is a book, if you’re a grandparent and you have grandchildren who are married, get them this book. Find out a way to do that. Slip him two bucks and say, “Hey, download this on your appliance.” Dr. Leman: I can’t give you a rave enough review about The Intimate Connection. I knew right away the first TV show I did nationally was a show on the Hallmark Channel, called Home & Family. Dr. Leman: When a book comes out, it’s like number 350,000 on the best seller list. One show, where I was on for eight minutes talking about that, and the book went to number eight in Marriage on Amazon. Dr. Leman: I know what resonates with both men and women. Guys, you’re not as likely to pick up a book on marriage as your bride. But I guarantee you if you read this book and this is a guarantee, your sex life will go crazy. You will know how to handle that woman. She’ll be all over you. If that’s not motivation for you to stop, right now and download that sucker, I can’t help you. You’re a loser of the year if you don’t do that. I’ve said my piece, that’s it doc, it’s a good one. Doug: You only get seven days, August 13th through 19th for $1.99 on E-book. I thought it was a brilliant idea, Andrea. We have some nephews and nieces that have recently gotten married as well. That this would be a great thing to send to them, as well. Sorry, I don’t need to be telling people what we’re going to be doing as a family. For only a buck, 99. Dr. Leman: The best thing to do with that book by the way, Doug, is to buy two copies and it’s in a trade paper. It’s not that expensive. Buy two copies and highlight the book with different colored markers, and then exchange books. Dr. Leman: You give your wife what you’ve highlighted. She gives you what she’s highlighted, and use that as a springboard for discussion in your marriage. Again, that’s the best way. The cheap way, and right now it’s available to you for only a buck 99, there’s no excuse not to download that, puppy. Doug: Get it. It will help your marriage. It will help all the other areas of your life. And now, no nonsense parenting advice from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: As you can imagine, I get all kinds of questions from people. I answered a question yesterday from West Africa. I get them from every foreign country. And of course, the funny thing is because so many of my books are in foreign languages, they write me emails in their foreign language and think that I can understand the Czech language or whatever they might be writing in. Dr. Leman: But so many times I get emails, letters, calls from people who are concerned about their kid doing well in school. And many times I’ll find out as I delve into this kid’s life, that your child does not do well in life than school, is not getting good grades, but guess what? He’s a voracious reader. Dr. Leman: Wow, whenever I say that, I find a direct, clear way of saying, “Hey parent, you need to stop worrying about your kid’s education. Because if your son or daughter is a voracious reader, they’re going to get an education and they’re going to do well in school.” Dr. Leman: Chances are if they’re not getting good grades, for example, there’s other issues going on that are creating that situation. Some of them might be behavioral, but some of them might be also situational in terms of the classroom, the teacher, the subject, et cetera. Dr. Leman: I want to go back to reading. From the time a kid is young, read to them. Get them cloth books, get them fun, bright colored books. If they’re musical all the better. Any kind of entertainment that’s associated with reading should really be encouraged. And teaching kids to read should be a very natural thing. Dr. Leman: They can pick out letters. I remember one of the funniest things that happened in private practice, was a mother reported that a little guy who was a ardent fan of Sesame Street, came running in. He was toilet trained. He was over two and a half years of age, and he comes in and says, “Mommy, mommy, I poop to see. I poop to see.”. Dr. Leman: I still laugh thinking about that little kid running into mommy and saying, “Mommy, I poop to see.” Which Sesame Street and other programs teach kids the value of reading and letters. And if reading can come naturally, and if you just keep the printed word around kids in a fun way, many of them are going to catch on and they’re going to read early. Dr. Leman: Now, you want to just be as helpful as you can. You want to visit libraries on a regular basis. You want to read to that child as much as possible. And more importantly, let that child start reading to you. And by the way, if that child start reading to you, don’t be so quick to correct everything. Okay? Dr. Leman: Many times when kids are trying to read, we interrupt way too much. Let them figure it out, let them sound it out. But the point of this little spot today is to encourage your kid to read, because that is the building block for all of education moving forward. Doug: Dr. Leman, what are the piece of it… well, I’ll just let you say. You just bring home Buford, from the hospital view. Buford’s only been there a couple of weeks, and you would give what advice to a married couple after Buford’s been home for just a very short while. Dr. Leman: Well, to set a precedent for yourselves, your two week old baby is not going to notice that mom and dad are out for the evening. But that’s what I would suggest. You just begin to set a time, maybe it’s a day of the week, that’s your night to go out. If you’ve been around young children all day, trust me, you need a break, anyway. Dr. Leman: But you should find a qualified babysitter and you go out and you enjoy the evening, simple as that. My other advice for anybody who’s got a newborn is make a lot of noise in your home. Don’t tippy-toe around anything. Dr. Leman: And when you need to go someplace, just pack up that little guy or a little girl and go. Be active with them, take them where you go. But you’ll also need time for yourself, so you set that paradigm, that model early in your marriage. Dr. Leman: And it’s easy to get away from because, when Doug was whining a while back about how life was unfair to him, we can let all these things get in the way. Job and responsibilities and financial this, and volunteering for this and that. Dr. Leman: Again, I’m not big on activities. Parents life’s busy enough without you volunteering for everything under the sun. And don’t have your kids on too many activities where I’m on the soapbox, let me close with that statement. Doug: It’s in the end, I hear everything you’re saying, it’s worth it to invest in your marriage. I can think of times in our marriage. I know Andrea, people can be shocked that we’ve had real issues and stress and you almost can’t even think about other things, because it’s just so nerve-grading on you. Doug: And when our marriage has been great, it’s amazing how much more harmony there is around the house and how it does affect the kids. I thought what Dr. Leman said about, if your kids are watching and if what they’re getting from us being married, well, it just permeates that peace throughout the house. Yes, it is true. Andrea: There’s a good fall out, he said. Doug: There’s good fall out. Dr. Leman: Well, let’s face the fact. Andrea is such a blessed woman to have you. Andrea: Amen. Doug: Oh, Dr. Leman, you’re just trying to make up for being mean to me. Dr. Leman: Yes, it’s sort of a payback for stating you’ve been whining like a four year old? Doug: I know what you do. You’ve done this long enough. I’m still bitter. Dr. Leman: I’m just trying to help you out, buddy. Doug: Yes, yes, right. Well, get the book, read it and then email us and email Dr. Leman say, “Doc, it did help us in every way possible. Thank you so much for doing it.”. Doug: We’ve seen too many families that just fallout from divorce. It’s just so ugly and you don’t want it. For 20 bucks or now for a buck 99, you will not, not not regret the investment. Doug: Well, it was great to be with you and head to your parenting toolbox, so that you can love those kids more and more. And we look forward to the next time that we get to be together with you. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Take care. Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “What do you do when your grown children still blame you for their issues?” In this episode, Dr. Leman provides a no-nonsense solution for parents struggling with their adult kids. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   **Special Offer– Aug 6 – 12: When Your Kid Is Hurting ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: Who do you blame for your problems in life and who blames you for the problems they have in life? This episode we’re going to hear from a grandmother or a mother whose daughter blames her for all of her problems in life. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, we’re going to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If this subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, we are so glad to be doing this podcast with you. Quick reminder that you can always go to birthorderguy.com, birthorderguy.com to get more resources, and as well you can leave your question there by going to Podcast Questions. Birthorderguy.com/podcastquestions. Well, I say we jump into today’s questions. Here we go. Speaker 3: What do you do when you’re grown up daughter once in a while to spur heat up the past when she was a child and blaming you? Dr. Leman: So the question is, this is from grandma? Speaker 3: Or a grown mother? Yes. Dr. Leman: Talking about her grown daughter. Her grown daughter is blaming her mom for all of her problems? Doug: Correct. Dr. Leman: Okay. Well, this has been around since time began. It was you, Lord, that gave me that woman. You didn’t think that was even funny, did you? Let’s go back to Adam and Eve. It was you, God, that gave me that woman. It’s her fault. This has literally been around forever and it’s a scapegoat. It’s a psychological defense mechanism. It’s not my fault. It’s your fault. Life’s been unfair to me. I would bet you a nickel and a few pesos that that woman that’s complaining about her mother is always asking her mother for help in some way, shape or form, either financially or otherwise. Of course, if you don’t like yourself, you need to find a way of deferring that to someone else. Dr. Leman: You have to lay blame on it, like it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that she, now these are just guesses in the dark because I don’t know, chose not to go to school onto post high school, that she was the one that decided to take off extra time from work and ended up getting fired. What you see is a trail of non-responsible behavior from day one, and so rather than face myself and look myself in the mirror and say, “You know what? This is on me,” as the old song says, you strike out, you only hurt the ones you what? Love. So who’s ever convenient. In this case grandma is probably too convenient to daughter. My suggestion would be the next time she throws a barb at you, just say simply, “Honey, I’m sorry you feel that badly about yourself. Dr. Leman: My prayer for you someday is that you’ll look honestly at yourself and take responsibility for the things you say and do and won’t have the need to blame others, including me, for your inaction and your failure. Failure isn’t fatal in life, honey, but realize that you failed and then not doing anything to try to get yourself into a positive track is quite frankly just a shame because quite frankly, I believe you could do better. But if you want to continue to play this dog and pony show where I am the source of your problems, you go right ahead. You just have to understand that I’m not buying it.” So that’s the conversation it has to take place. Andrea: That’s kind of scary for that mom to say that. I would be afraid that that daughter’s going to pull away or you know. Dr. Leman: I hope so. Andrea: Yeah. It sounds like you said she’s probably … Doug: Why do you hope she’ll pull away? Dr. Leman: Because they’re too close. Grandma is probably way, way, way too involved in daughter’s life. Okay? So I’m guessing that daughter is asking mom, “Hey mom, what do you think about this? What do you think about that?” And Mom tried to help gives her 3 cents worth. Daughter does partly what Grandma suggests. It doesn’t work and then now whose fault it is? It’s Grandma’s fault. So what I’m saying is the quicker they separate, the better. Dr. Leman: Next time she’d get asked a question from her daughter, say, “Honey, I don’t have the foggiest idea what to tell you. That’s completely up to you. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision,” and then psychologically turn her back and walk away. I mean, this doesn’t work without Grandma doing some changing of her own. She has to see, just like fighting is a act of cooperation, this nonsense that’s going on between her and her grown daughter continues to go because she plays a role in that. So all of a sudden Grandma, just become dumb and stupid. You don’t know a thing. Whatever she sends your way. Then when she asked for help, especially financial, which I bet you a nickel she’s doing, I would just say, “Honey, I’m unable to help you right now for a lot of different reasons. Let it go.” Doug: So playing the victim and what did you use, scapegoat or a psychological defense? This is commonplace now in our culture. How as parents do we not let our kids gain this stance or this opinion? Andrea: Starting with the young kids? Doug: Young kids, younger kids. Thank you. Dr. Leman: The general principle is don’t do for kids what they can do for themselves. Now, if you take that too, literally, I mean, if a kid says, “Mommy, what’d you get me a glass of milk,” am I saying don’t get the kid a glass milk? No, I’m not saying that at all. What I’m saying is the kids will work you and you have to have a built in antennae that says, wait a minute, this is a little too much. They can do this work. I sat down with my granddaughter once and my wife assigned me, “Hey you, help Adeline with her homework.” So I sat down and I looked at the homework and I said, “Okay, what are we doing here Adeline?” “We’re doing these six questions.” Okay. It took me a minute to figure out what’s going on. Adeline wanted me to figure out her six problems for her, and I said, “Honey, I don’t know. Dr. Leman: This is your homework. This isn’t Grandpa’s homework. This is something you have to do.” “Yeah, but I don’t understand it.” “Well, I mean, I don’t know how I can help you understand it. You can read it once you read it out loud, see how it goes.” I said stuff like that, but just keep the ball on her side of the court. Kids will work you. You just have to understand that. It’s human nature for a lot of kids, particularly later borns or overly-dependent firstborns to use the ones that they’re supposed to be loving. People aren’t for using. They’re for loving. So you draw those lines early. You have expectations. Your yes is yes. Your no is no. you’re in authority without being an authoritarian. You’re not being a pushover and it’s that balanced life that you present before your children that gives them a solid foundation to grow from. That’s the important thing. Doug: So as the resident mother here, that’s you, that’s takes some psychological hoof dah by you to be able to say to your child, “But Andrea, it’s just so hard. I can’t do this. please help me. right? Andrea: Yeah. Doug: You’re just going to say Andrea: I’m sure you can figure it out, honey. Doug: Can you say that for real? Andrea: I have but probably only 10 out of 100 times have I chosen to say, “I’m sure you can figure this out yourself.” Dr. Leman: Whoever was whelping there … Who was that that was whelping there? They ought to put him out in the backyard or something. Who was that? Was that you Dougie? Andrea: That was Dougie. Doug: I might have talked like that to Andrea too. Andrea, help me. I can’t do it by myself. Andrea: Don’t make me go by myself. Dr. Leman: Oh my goodness. What am outside and locked the door. Doug: Oh, don’t. Don’t Dr Lehman. Hey, you’re messing with my life now. Dr. Leman: Don’t give her ideas Doug: Don’t give her ideas, buddy. Well look, Ed, it’s the end of the podcast. Goodbye. No. So Andrea, what would it take as a mom to be able to have the confidence that this is actually going to bless that child, not irreparably destroy your relationship? Andrea: I think it’s, I don’t know if I’m going to answer your question directly, but if I had heard this when I had little toddlers and learn to do this from the start, there’s so much hope in that thinking, okay, when I have adolescents, when I have young adult children, that they’re not going to be blaming me. They’re not going to come whining to me for an answer. They’re not going to be dependent on me. They’re going to be able to make their own choices. I don’t know if that’s exactly answering your question, but in the moment, probably if I’m exhausted and I’m tired of that whining, I actually think it’s motivating. Doug: So what about now? Now hypothetically you have teenagers that are kind of doing this to you. What would it take for you to be able to let them do what only they can do, what they can do for themselves? Andrea: Just knowing that it’ll help them grow up. Yeah. That they can make a decision for themselves. Doug: Awesome. Dr. Leman: Yeah, that’s a two-way street, you know. As you know, moms get a lot of pleasure from feeling what? Needed. So a lot of moms get paid off by doing just the opposite of what their kids really need. They tell themselves they’re doing it out of love. Actually, they’re doing it out of selfishness. Andrea: Why selfishness? Dr. Leman: Because you’re not letting the kid do what he ought to be doing for himself. You’re hogging it all. You’re doing it all. Remember we talked about warnings or disrespectful acts. Well, why are warnings disrespectful acts. Leman? Because you’re actually saying, I think you’re so stupid I got to tell you three times. That’s why you’ll see a theme and all the Leman books, if you’re communicating with a kid, you tell them once you turn your back, so to speak and walk away. Dr. Leman: Then when they don’t do what you’ve asked them to do or whatever, there’s a consequence but it’s tied directly to this statement. Let the reality of the situation become the teacher to the child. So when a child doesn’t do something you’ve asked them to do and you do hire a sibling to clean his room or do his work for them, but pay for it out of his allowance, you have built in accountability. The kid figures out early in life, you know what? I better suck it up and do my fair share. I’m the loser here. Kids will figure it out. Just be a good parent. Be a responsible parent. Work at holding your kids accountable for the things they say and do in life and you’re going to be fine. Doug: So this kind of rolls into today’s Ebook special. Today’s Ebook special is When Your Kid Is Hurting. August 6th through 12th of 2019 for $1.99 in Ebook form. Dr Lehman, what is this book about? Dr. Leman: Well, this was probably one of the more difficult books I ever had to do. It was one they asked me to do. It wasn’t one that I said, “I have a burning desire to do this book”, but so many of the parents are dealing with, hey, you know, my kid’s hurting and I don’t know what to do about it. Can you write a book on that subject? So I agreed to do that. When you think of what you would say to a kid when they’re hurting, you’ll issue all kinds of statements like, “Oh honey, I’m sure it will be okay.” Really, how do you know what’s going to be okay? “Hey, don’t worry about it.” Really. Does that take worry away, just say don’t worry about it? You know, again, you’re not the one that’s being called names at school, pizza face or four eyes or you name it. Dr. Leman: Kids are mean, nasty, snarky today, and so the book is designed to try to help you get behind the eyes of your son or daughter in such a way as that you are able to listen to them without judgment, and that’s difficult to do. That’s why that book at a buck 99, oh my goodness, I would download that puppy and tell your friends about it as well. You can’t miss on that book. That’s a book by the way that you read and you put it on the shelf and you pull it out at those times when you are facing a crisis or your son or daughter’s facing a crisis and you sort of review it. It’s sorta hard to keep some of this stuff in your head. So anyway, $1.99, When Your Kid Is Hurting, if I remember right, that’s a $20 book, so wow, that’s a bargain. Doug: Go get it now. August 6th through 12th of 2019 for only $1.99 wherever you get your Ebooks. Now, our segment of a no nonsense parenting advice with Dr Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Parents love the old a timeout. They love you’re grounded and they love taking away privileges. Well, I won’t go into the feared of time out and I’ll tell you this about grounding, if you’re going to ground a kid, ground them. Ground from everything. He goes no place for two days. Give them a 48 hour grounding. What do you mean? He goes no place? He goes, no place. He stays in the home without privileges. It’s a school day, Lehman. He doesn’t go to school either. He makes it up. It’s Sunday. He doesn’t go to church either. He stays home if you’re going to do that. If you’re going to do grounding, do a 48 hour ground. They won’t like it, trust me. You may not like it either, but that’s a whole nother question, but taking away privileges, I want to talk to you about taking away privileges. Dr. Leman: It is a privilege to live in a home, to live in a country as ours where we still have some freedoms left seems like, but taking away privileges many times is done in anger. Whenever you do things in anger that’s not good. The problem is it builds a mindset in a child, depending upon how you do it, okay, if you have the right to put me down, then I have the right to put you down and you get in that proverbial power struggle. Rather than take privileges away. and again, kids always want to do things. They always want to be driven to the mall. They always want money, they want to go to a movie, they want to go down to GameStop and hang out with their buddies, whatever that is, you can take away the privilege without getting into the dog and pony show of all right, no more privileges. Dr. Leman: This gets back to how do you handle things? Your son says to you, “Mom, would you run me down the mall? We’re gonna meet a bunch of guys down there at the video place. We’re going to shoot some video games today.” “No, honey, I, I really don’t feel like driving you today,” and walk away. He’ll come after you, okay? “Mom, what do you mean? Everybody’s going to be there. I need to leave right now.” “Honey, I just told you. Mom is not very happy today. I don’t feel like driving anywhere.” Now, what have you done? You’ve taken away the privilege. You haven’t said, “Hey, I’m not driving you anywhere, young man,” but you put in action a plan, a plan that says things are not well in River City, and what I want that young son to understand at age 14 or whatever, that his mouth, his actions has a direct result on the privileges. Dr. Leman: There’s that word that he has in his home. The privileges of being driven by a mom who’s kind enough to drive six miles one way so you could have some fun. Do you see what I’m saying? So it gets back rather than just be rule-dominated, be relationship-dominated where hey, you’re saying the message relationship between you and me is a strained right now. So what has to happen for that relationship to get back on top? It might take at least the next day, because I’ve said many times that kid might be very perceptive and figure out that his mouthiness in the morning just earned him the non-trip to the mall to see his buddies and he might cuddle up to mom and say, “Oh mom, I’m sorry about what I said,” because right then and there he thinks I’m at the mall. Dr. Leman: I said, I’m sorry, mom’s going to forgive me. I’m at the mall. No parents, always give it a day. When a kid does something, he apologizes, you accept that apology, you move on, but he gets vitamin N for the rest of the day. No matter what he wants to do, it’s, “N honey. I really don’t feel like doing that right now. I’m having a bad day.” Say whatever you want to say, but he’ll be able to connect the dots. Let him see that his behavior influences your behavior and you want to work toward getting that on a healthy line and not an unhealthy one. Doug: So Dr Leman, one final question. We have hypothetically fostered this when they were younger and now they’re teenagers. What is the right response without creating more crisis when our kids turn and say, “But dad, but mom, you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” How do we deal with it then as teenagers? Dr. Leman: I think you’d tell the kids, “Honey, listen, I know you’re frustrated. I can see it in your face, and I know this is a huge thing, and like most huge things that face you …” Now notice I’m not minimizing whatever the kid’s saying, “You’re going to have to gather your wits about you, figure out what’s the best way of handling this. And if it’ll help, I have the full confidence in you that you’re going to pull this off and you’re going to do the right thing. I wish him nothing but the best checking on me. Let me know how you’re doing from time to time. I’d love to know.” So you’re taking the proverbial tennis ball that I love to talk about and you’re putting it back on that teenager’s court, but you’re also expressing belief in them, confidence in them, and you’re telling them, quite frankly, hey, I’m not solving this. This is something you need to solve. Doug: for the skeptical parent that hears you say that, if you treat your child that way, what will your child gain by that kind of response? Dr. Leman: Well, they’ll develop a growth spurt. We talk about growth spirts as kids hit the adolescent years, but this is a psychological growth spurt. It’s a maturity growth spurt. It’s a time where kids start telling themselves, you know, maybe I am a little bit more capable than I’m giving myself credit for did. They’re coming to you out of weakness and you need to inject some strength in them and the belief in your child that they can handle it is a great medicine for your teenage son or daughter. Doug: Awesome. Well, I hope that helps grandma out there and I hope it helps moms and Andrew, I appreciate you bringing that in about even as a toddler, if they were little and I started this way back when, it would be easier now when they’re adolescents and I haven’t trained him to be that way. Not that we have any personal experience, both of us with this now, ha ha, but this was great advice. Doug: Again, we love doing this with you. Again, you can go to birthorderguide.com, get resources there. If you go /podcastquestions you can leave a question. If anything ever piques your interest, you’re like, I think I should pass this on, feel free to pass this on on Facebook, on Instagram or wherever you want to go, and you only got a couple of days to get When Your Kid Is Hurting, which nowadays is a beautiful resource with all that children are having to deal with. Well, it was great to be with you and Ed, your parenting toolbox and we look forward to the next thing we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Bye, bye.