Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman

Wives, do you want to know what makes your husbands tick? Does it feel like rocket science when it comes to improving your marriage together? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman gives a simple synopsis of how husbands think and offers suggestions on how wives should respond to their behavior. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   **Special Offer– Jul 30 – Aug 5: Have a New Husband by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: It seems like every time I turn around, I’m talking to a mom who is actually heartbroken because she and her husband don’t have a good relationship, and she doesn’t know where to go from there. If that’s you, you’ll be interested in this podcast and the title to Dr. Lehman’s book, Have a New Husband by Friday, is rather intriguing, so we get to hear from him today about that book. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And I don’t want to hear this podcast about parenting, your Have a New Husband by Friday. But anyway, we are so glad that the rest of you are here to hear what Dr Leman has to say about- Andrea: I want to hear what he has to say. Doug: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if this is your first time here, we want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. So Dr. Leman, I have to ask, did Andrea put this topic in here? Is that why we’re having this one? Did she suddenly call you and say, “This is what we need to talk about doc”? Dr. Leman: No, no, she didn’t. You got a good one. Andrea: Rest assured. Doug: So Dr. Leman, what is this, have a new husband by Friday? Like, what the heck is that all about? Dr. Leman: Well, I have to … This is confession time. You know, as authors, your books are your kids, and you like your kids, hopefully, love your kids. I like my books. I love some of my books, confession time, more than some others. Okay. The genesis of that, just to give you the inside scoop is sometimes publishers come up with these ideas. Oh Dr. Leman, we want you to write a book about this. Like the village idiot, I go ahead and do it. Well, there’s a difference in doing a book like that and doing a book that I really want to do that I’m passionate about. Okay? Dr. Leman: So I’m speaking out of school here. You’re getting the inside skinny. But what I think of favorite books of mine, it’d be a horse race, a nose to nose at the wire, so to speak, but Have A New Husband By Friday, was one of the most fun books to do. I enjoyed doing it so much and it got a tremendous response from people. By the way, if you want to get your husband’s attention, ladies, just pick up a copy of Have a New Husband by Friday, and leave it somewhere in the house. Trust me, you’ll get his attention. But the book itself is really a teaching tool for women to understand who this man is she married. Dr. Leman: I’d like all of you women to think that you’re about to board an airplane and the door to the cockpit is open and you’re a curious soul and you sneak a peek inside and you see all those switches and buttons, and you hear these two people are sitting there and you’re trusting that these men and women are going to know which buttons to push and somehow this huge, big, very heavy aircraft is going to go launch into thin air and get you to grandma’s house on time. I want you to remember what that cockpit looked like, all those switches and buttons. Dr. Leman: They represent you. You, as a woman. You’re complicated, you got a lot of different switches. You’re not simple. Now, I want you to return home, go to your front door and look at your doorbell. Okay, you’re looking at your doorbell, You got it in your mind, that’s your husband. He is so simple. We are not mysteries. And by the way, are all men the same? No, they’re not all the same. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying on a whole, on the average, this is how most men are. We’re very simple. Dr. Leman: If you want to reach into your man’s heart and you want oneness in your marriage, and Andrea was just alluding to so many people that she runs into daily are just struggling in their marriage, or they’re headed toward divorce for good reason. Women are the relational gurus of our society. They thrive on relationships. I always say they hug anything that moves. They go potty and groups of eight, 10 and 12, it’s a social event, anyone want to go potty? And there they go, like a [inaudible] quail. Men Aren’t like that. Men specialize in arms-length relationships. Dr. Leman: Two men meet. We might ask the question, what do you do for a living? What do you do for a living? What do you do for a living? We talk for a few minutes and we’re done. We have no need to dig deeper into the psyche of mankind to figure out who this guy is. Most of your husbands don’t have friends, they have associates. They have their fishing associates, their bowling associates, their hunting associates, whatever their thing is. And so we live in an island in many ways. The mistake that many women make is that they view their husband like their girlfriend. Well, number one, we’re not your girlfriend, we’re your husband, we’re different. Dr. Leman: You have to get behind the husband’s eyes and see how he sees life and they have to understand his needs, which are clearly I need to feel needed, wanted, and respected. Okay? You want to say fulfilled? I’ll throw that one in as a bonus. Very different from you women, whose needs tend to be affection oriented, communication, commitment to the family. So for you to be successfully a married woman, you got to understand this guy. You got to understand that when you say something nice about him in front of other people, his chest swells up and you’ve given him the all time attaboy. You’ve made him have more reason to try to please you than you can imagine. Dr. Leman: Just like I’ve said it many times, the kids want to please us as parents. I’m convinced that men want to please their women. So, is that as a prologue to our discussion, we will now talk to the Terpening’s. One of them is a male, that would be Doug, and the other represents the female gender very well. Doug: So Dr. Leman, you can say that men want to please their wives, and they want all this. What would you say, as this is the common mistake I see that women make towards their husbands. Dr. Leman: They put a skirt on them. They treat them as a girlfriend, you know? Doug: But what does that mean? and what does it look like? Dr. Leman: Well, she’ll get offended when he doesn’t want to go shopping with her. She’ll turn it into, “You don’t care about me, you don’t love me.” I tell a story in one of my books, I took my wife to New York. I was doing Fox and Friends, and there’s a Nine West shoe store there, right on Sixth Avenue. My wife loves shoes. I said, “Honey, there’s a Nine West shoe store. Do you want to go over to it?” You should have seen her light up. “Shoe store? Yeah well, I could run in there for a little bit.” That’s a lie. Let me point that out to you. Dr. Leman: I knew it was a lie when she said it, by the way. Nevertheless, we went to Nine West. She was in there two hours. I was in there for a while, walked out, checked out some stores that were nearby, came back, had a seat, didn’t say a word. Two hours later she came out. No shoes. Then she had an epiphany that she had to go to another shoe store, which was conveniently located just 35 minutes away in a cab, so we went down there. I know who she is. She’s very different than me and she understands that that was a labor of love on my part to take her there. I’m not interested in shoes, but I’m interested in her. Dr. Leman: So, for the woman who has a husband who loves to fish for example, and she has no interest in fishing, maybe sometimes she should just say, “Honey, I’d love to go fishing with you some time.” He might say, “So [inaudible] go fishing? You really? I mean, you never.” “Well, no I just want to be with you.” I mean, I think it has to come across to this man that this woman really cares about him. I think women in general treat that relationship too casually, and certainly men do. Men have taken women for granted for years. Dr. Leman: I’m not pointing fingers at women. I’m just saying the reality is you’ve got to understand he’s a man and he’s going to do things in a man like way. Doug: So, in talking to some of these ladies, I’ll overhear the conversation with Andrea, and all I can hear is how he has done all these things wrong. Right? “He doesn’t do this, he doesn’t do this, he doesn’t do this.” Quite frankly, some of them are kind of justified, like he is kind of a jerk. How will reading, Have a New Husband by Friday, help us get out of that rut, or even have hope with that mindset? Dr. Leman: Well, you’ll understand by reading the book how much your words mean to him. You women are wordsmiths to begin with, so this ought to be easy for you, but when was the last time you said something really nice about your husband? When was the last time you said to him, “Honey, I value you so much for what you do for our family. You come home smelly every day, because you work hard.” He works in the trades for example, “And I’m just so pleased that you’re willing to work so hard to provide a nice place, and good food, and a happy home. I’m just so lucky to have you.” Dr. Leman: How many men get that message from their wife? I don’t think very many. A man’s love language, so to speak, now I’m getting on my friend Gary Chapman’s side of the boat. Many of us, our work that we do is our way of saying, “Hey, what do you think I’m going out there beating my head against the wall every day for? I’m doing this for you and the kids. Okay?” Dr. Leman: Again, he might just be a working guy, works hard and so be it. That man needs to feel honored in his home. Well, how do you honor a husband? How does he feel needed and wanted? When was the last time you sent an email to your husband at work that said, “Great news, the kids are gone. Why don’t you hurry home early? I’ve got some great ideas for you and me big boy.” When is the last time you did that? Dr. Leman: What effort do you put in as a woman to scratch where a man itches? He needs to feel needed, wanted, respected. What you want from him is conversation. You want words, you want dialogue. Well, I got news for you. Most men are not great communicators. Most men are not very affectionate. So who’s the teacher to your husband? You are. Doug: You know Dr. Leman, it is surprising what you just said, that you said that if you tell your husband, “We really appreciate how hard you work for the family,” Andrea had said those exact words to me yesterday, and I felt like 1 million bucks, and you know, Andrea is nearly the perfect wife, except for one or two things which I can point out, but it is so true the things we do. What about for that wife who feels like, exactly what you just said? “He isn’t affectionate. He doesn’t connect with me. I get nothing from him. He’s a cold fish.” Andrea: What if he doesn’t respect me and he’s just really selfish? Doug: What hope does she have? Dr. Leman: Well, I would say this to that woman. “Do you understand that he really doesn’t like your questions? Every day when he comes home, you ask him the same question, ‘How was your work today, honey?’ He hates that question. Do you ever get a full answer from him? Then why do you continue to ask the question?” We men hate your questions. If you want your husband to talk to you, this is real simple, ladies, ask him his opinion. He’ll talk your ear off. Dr. Leman: Eliminate the why word. Your husband says something, you come back with, Why?” As soon as you throw up the why word, he’s done talking to you. He’ll walk out of the room, he’ll shut down, he’ll go turn on a ball game and tune you out. His message that he got is, you don’t give a rip about me. You ought to understand that I don’t like the why word. You don’t understand, I don’t like your stupid questions, but when you touch me, okay, when you touch me and say, “Honey, I’d love to know your opinion about something.” I guarantee you, he’s going to talk, and you might find out that your husband, who you think is so shallow, runs a little deeper than you’ve given him credit for. Dr. Leman: When was the last time you left the kids at home and kidnapped him for a weekend? I’m going to give you all kinds of things to do to make a man feel important, but we all need time out. We all need this time to say, “Hey, stop the busyness and lets talk about us.” You’ve got in this position by not honoring each other in marriage, by putting other people first, namely your children, by putting your job first, that’s so typical for us men. So you sort of deserve your plight in life. I think the book, Have a New Husband by Friday, is a great starting point to get back on track. Doug: So with that segue, the eBook promo from [inaudible] this week is, Have a New Husband by Friday, July 30th to August 5th of 2019, for only $2.99. I’m going to say that again. Have a New Husband by Friday, eBook July 30th to August 5th, so you only have a week for only $2.99. You should go get it. And a no-nonsense parenting advice with Dr Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Just the facts ma’am, just the facts. Well, I think the facts are these. Screen time is not good for children, period. It just isn’t good for them. We live in a screen-filled world. Kids have cell phones in their hands, I’ve seen them 18 months, two years, in strollers with Mommy’s cell phone, scrolling up, scrolling down, punching letters. It’s nauseating. Hey parents, you need to be the parent you need to be. Being a parent means that you make judgment calls that are best for your family and best for your children. Do some research on this. Don’t take my advice far. There’s all kinds of new research that says that screen time for kids is just downright destructive. Dr. Leman: I see parents in toy stores buying expensive toys for children. I would have to admit that my wife, grandmother supreme, now with two little three year old twins, she is a sucker to buy all kinds of things. I saw the other day she bought a keyboard, a musical keyboard for the kids. It does all kinds of wonderful things. It’s musical, and I’m certainly not anti-music, I love music, but it also cost $69 I noticed. Dr. Leman: You’ll love this personal information. I just bought some new toilets for our home and they’re the kind, they’re a little higher than the normal ones that are set so low. They’re nice toilets. I bought them at Home Depot, and the thought struck me as the guy was taking it out of the box. I said, “Wow, $69 versus a big box.” You know, kids need to have their creative abilities and hands during those first few years of life, and believe it or not, just playing with boxes in a family room is a creative fun way, and a cheap way for kids to be entertained. Dr. Leman: We have the mentality, and you see this in cars. I’m in a stop light. I look over in the van and the two kids both have little videos they’re watching that are embedded in the back of the seat. I’m thinking, “This is what the world has come to.” We as parents feel an obligation to entertain our children. No wonder they get bored easily. How nice it is to see kids play with things, play with cushions from a couch, and making a fort using a sheet. Dr. Leman: I just think we miss the opportunity for kids to develop creativity and in its place we put a screen. Now again, some of you look at screens all day long at your work, and again, don’t take my word for it. Check out the latest research on the effects of screens on the human brain. It’s not good for any of us, but it certainly isn’t good for young children. Dr. Leman: So obviously, and I know many of you have little appliances where you love to show the little videos and everything to your kids. Yes, you can use them, but they really have to be limited. And who’s the limiter? You are. The problem is you’re busy and in your busyness, you’ll stick that appliance in your young ones hands and they’ll have it not for a half hour, they’ll have it for three hours, or four hours. Be the responsible one, parents, step up to the plate, be the parent you need to be. Doug: Dr Leman, there’s a lot of these women that Andrea has connected with, and the one thing I think they have is they have no hope. They literally have no hope that their husband will change, they have no hope that their situation can get better, right? Andrea: Well, even as I listen, I’m like, well, I’ve heard so many stories where the husband is just, I’ll be frank with you. He just sounds like a real jerk, like he’s so selfish. He has no concept of loving his wife or taking care of his family. Dr. Leman: Jerks are all over the place, Andrea, but one thing I would say to that lady is, “Wait a minute, let’s just stop a minute. You’re the one that married this guy. You’re the one that said, ‘This is the man I want to spend my life with.’ How much of this bad relationship is on you? If you had to do it all over again, what would you do differently?” You’ve got two sons, let’s say. Dr. Leman: I would say that woman, “How am I going to make sure that my sons learn to respect women? If I’m stuck in that marriage,” and for whatever reason this woman feels like she can’t leave the marriage and this jerk has continued to be the jerk, then the next thing I’m going to do is I’m going to take refuge with my sons and I’m going to make sure those kids get as healthy a perception of a woman as they possibly can from me. So again, the focus is usually on, he is such a jerk. I get that. But the question is, what are you going to do about it yourself? What are you willing to do differently today to try to unjam that standoff? What’s gonna move that ice that’s blocking the channel of life? What can you do different? Dr. Leman: Some people go and seek counsel and that can be a very good thing. Most men don’t like that, and most men don’t have any inclination to share their thoughts or feelings with anybody. Women are much more open to that than men are. So for a lot of women, they read books and they listened to tapes and podcasts and try to find a way through this. But again, you’ve got to own up to the fact, hey, this is the guy you brought home to marry. This is the guy you said I want to spend the rest of my life with. Doug: Dr. Leman, when I think about a couple of these couples that we know, I would imagine that the women have the fear that, if I become soft and loving and kind or if I read, Have a New Husband by Friday, and I try these things and it … “I don’t think he can change. I don’t think he will change, and now it’s going to be worse, then he’s going to walk all over me.” Andrea: Exactly. He’s going to take advantage of me. Doug: Now, he’s going to take advantage of me. Help them have a right perspective on that. Dr. Leman: Well, and again, everything you just said might be very true. There’s people in the world just don’t get it, men and women. Okay? But you got yourself in this bad relationship. You got kids, and you have to take stock of where you are in life. Am I better off alone? Am I better off as a single person? What’s my financial future like? What about my health insurance for myself? And my own medical condition that I have? There’s so many different hooks along the way that you just have to look at the big picture and figure out what’s best for me and my kids? Doug: Here’s what I’m asking. I’m asking the question poorly, because I’ll use myself. I will tell people, “I think the only reason that Andrea and I are still married is because of Andrea. I was a jerk, I was selfish, I was angry, I got whatever I wanted and it was Andrea’s tenderness, and softness, and honestly her just like when I was a bleep, she was the soft one and then she eventually won me over to it. Is there hope that if they apply these concepts, they’ll have this same experience that I had? What would you say to that? Dr. Leman: Well sure, but it always takes somebody doing some changing, doing the same thing. Whatever your plight in life right now is in your marriage folks, it’s not going to change unless you start doing something different. That means you have to do some changing. You have to stop playing the games that you and your husband, or you and your wife continue to play. Somebody’s going to have to stand up and say, “Listen, I am very unhappy here. Things have to change. This isn’t working.” And again, I’ve referred to this many times, I’d much rather have a blowout than a slow leak. So if it takes a blow out, so be it, but let’s try to do some things different. Dr. Leman: I’ve been a part of putting people back together again who were divorced, and now they’re remarried and happy. So yeah, there’s always hope. If you’re a person of faith, you claimed it with God, all things are possible. I wish I could drop names in this business of movie stars and entertainers, and that I’ve had a part in changing their life. You’d be shocked. Doug: So for that discouraged married woman, how will this book help her know the right changes to make? How will Have a New Husband by Friday, how will she have the confidence? Dr. Leman: There’s no easy answers when it comes to changing the direction of a relationship. But again, do you have a protocol? Do you know where you’re going? Do you know where you want to go? I think you have to ask the hard questions as a woman. “Am I using my husband as a scapegoat? Is he the reason I’m so miserably unhappy? Or is it me? Am I part of the equation?” And again, there are jerk men out there, tons of them, but there’s jerk women out there as well. It’s never one side. It takes two people to get a relationship in bad shape, and once they get in bad shape, it’s tough to turn them around. But as you’ve attested to it, that they can change. Dr. Leman: If you want to really get a handle on, how does your husband think? How does a man think inside? Read to Have a New Husband by Friday? Doug: You know, one thing I regret about this podcast is we went down this dark hole, and I took us there about these marriages that are on the rocks, but this book also is just like, if you’ve got a good marriage and you want to go to a great marriage, right? You want to understand your husband more and be able to just have a great marriage. This book could be fabulous. Again, it’s never going to hurt to invest in understanding each other more. If you’re like Andrea and inclined to try and do the right thing, this is for those kinds of ladies that are like, “I’m willing to invest to understand it better, and watch my marriage flourish.” Dr. Leman: Okay, let’s have everybody think about the wedding that they’re invited to this summer. Okay? I want everybody to think about the wedding they’re invited to, or been to recently. Or maybe it’s a fall wedding that’s coming. Here’s what I want you to know. All the money spent on that wonderful ceremony, all the money spent on the honeymoon, will not deter this fact that most of those marriages will last seven years or less. Dr. Leman: Now, here’s my question for every young person out there who’s listening, or maybe somebody who’s getting married, what’s going to make you different? “Oh well, Dr. Leman, we love each other.” Really? Do you think that all these people who are divorced now, didn’t tell themselves at one time they loved each other? You gotta be kidding me. I’m just telling you, this isn’t easy. We take for granted, as a woman, what a man’s all about, what a woman’s all about. Dr. Leman: I’m telling you, the sexes do not understand each other very well. Read Have a New Husband by Friday. Read, Have a New Sex Life by Friday. Sheet music, my book on sexual intimacy, is a classic book. It’s been acclaimed in so many different places. Sheet Music, there’s help out there. Get it, read it, be as knowledgeable as you can and really try to put each other’s feelings first in marriage. If you really commit yourself to doing that, you’re off on a positive note. Doug: Thank you for that incredibly well-stated summation. I’m just going to say it one more time, you can get this book, Have a New Husband by Friday, July 30th to August 5th, 2019 for less than $3, $2.99. For your sake, please get the book. Well, we love being with you. We love helping you. We love helping your marriage so that you can parent your kids easier and enjoy them more, and we just appreciate the time that we get to spend with you. We hope that you have a fantabulous day and a incredible marriage. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Bye, Bye. Andrea: Bye Bye.

Do you have long and frustrating days with your children? Do fun plans usually end up in disaster? Find out what Dr. Leman has to say about the feeling of failure on today’s Ask Dr. Leman. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   **Special Offer– Jul 23 – 29: My Youngest, There’s No One Like You ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: Okay. Being a young mom is really hard and if you heard the last podcast about feeling like a failure and crying, then you’re going to identify with Jenny and her question on this podcast today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are joining with us. A Gazillion welcomes. If This happens to be your first time, I just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, we haven’t referenced this in, I almost said a gazillion days just to be honoring, but I’ll stop, and say a long time. If I am having an event and I’m thinking, “Man, I wonder who I could come get to come be a speaker.” Do you come and speak at different events and if so, what kind of events do you come and speak yet? Dr. Leman: Well, this weekend I’m speaking at a all-Chinese church. That’s a first for me. I’m so looking forward to it. Last week I did a business group. I did a fundraiser for a school. I’m a good fundraiser. You’ve all gone to fundraisers where you get the free chicken dinner, but you know it’s not free because you know there’s a pledge card on the table and all that. I’m really good at getting people to open up their wallet, and watch the moths fly out, and chip in for a worthy cause. So I do a lot of those. Dr. Leman: I only go where I’m asked. We don’t knock on doors. Okay? I’ve never had the need to knock on doors and say, “Oh, would you like me to come to Oregon or Washington or you name it?” The only state that I’ve never spoken in is Montana. One of these days someone from Montana is going to call and ask me. Before they even ask me to do what they want me to do, I’m going to say I’ll be there. Dr. Leman: I mean for those of you who are in the business world, I do YPO groups, Young President’s Organization. These are the movers and shakers of America. Most of the people in the audience when I’m speaking to them are millionaires, multimillionaires, billionaires, you name it. You can see it all. I enjoy that challenge in the insurance industry. I talk at Top of the Table, which is the top producers in the insurance industry. Dr. Leman: I do consultation with car dealerships on how to sell people differently. We all buy things differently. I recently did a thing for a local police department on a SWAT team. What do you do when a guy is barricaded with a gun? Well, tell me where he’s born and his family, and I can give you some good advice on how to approach him. So I love the challenge of doing things different. Dr. Leman: If you’re a member of a club or an organization that has a speaker, even if you just want a speaker who’s going to be entertaining and fun, talk about something as benign as marriage or parenthood or you name it, I love to do those things. So it’s easy. You call my office here, I’m giving you my office 520, okay, 520. That’s Tucson, Arizona. 797, 797 Dr. Leman: Now, By now you know I have a bias about people who give telephone numbers so quick, I can’t even catch three numbers of it. So back to 520-7973830, 3830. If Debbie doesn’t pick up, she’s my assistant, you leave a detailed message and she will call you back. Talking to her is like talking to me because she knows everything. She’s a firstborn. She’s been with me for over 25 years. She sets these events up in such a way they’re tailor-made for what your needs are. Dr. Leman: My favorite, especially if it’s a church, is to do a Sunday morning where you speak in services. Interesting enough, attendance doubles usually after they hear the Sunday morning service for the event. The event then is Sunday night, Monday morning, and Monday night. We put a combination of marriage or parenthood. Sometimes we do an early morning breakfast for business people and I’ll speak on the way of the shepherd, which is my book on leadership. So anyway in a nutshell, if you want the old fat guy, you can find him. Doug: Super thanks. You are a blessing when you go and speak at places and especially the ones that we followed up with, have heard nothing but great reports from them. So Today we get to answer one of your questions from Jenny, which is I think a question that a lot of moms have. I am super excited to hear your answer, Dr. Leman. Here we go. Jenny: Hi Dr Leman. My name is Jenny. I tune in very often as I’m raising two young kids. We’re always going through and learning new things about this parenting journey. I just wanted to say thank you for all your great advice and especially your humor. Some days humor is exactly what we need to get us through our day Jenny: As I said, we have two young kids, a little girl who’s four and a little boy who’s turning two here in a few weeks. Our little girl is very strong willed, independent, knows what she wants and has a big attitude. Our little boy, he’s just starting to get to the stage where he cries and screams when he doesn’t get his way or what he wants in that moment. Jenny: As a mom, So many of these days are loud, stressful and frustrating. I tend to take so much of it personally. If we have a bad day where I feel like the kids have been horrible, I take it so personally, like I’m doing everything wrong and end up in my room crying, feeling like a failure. I don’t want to not like my kids or these fun times while they’re young. Jenny: What is your best advice to get through these times and enjoy them? We venture out and try fun things like restaurants, the zoo, the parks and fun things like that. But you know how most of these things usually end. Usually my husband and I promise we’re never leaving the house again. Dr. Leman, what’s your best advice to enjoy these hard times and not take them to personally? Thank you. Dr. Leman: Oh, Jenny. Jenny, Jenny. Oh my goodness. That’s probably one of the best questions we’ve ever had on our podcast. You sound delightful. Tell Your husband for me he is one lucky dude to share life with you. You’re trying so hard to be a great mom. I understand that. But wow, that four-year-old, I mean I can see her, little Tila. I bet she’s cuter than cute. Dr. Leman: She knows exactly how life ought to be. She knows exactly how things you are. Well, now that I’ve praised you, which I don’t even believe in, I’ve got to tell you that what you and your husband have to talk about is we’ve created this little four-year-old powerful young woman. I think it was a couple of podcasts ago, I was asked the question about, “How do you know if you have a powerful child?” Dr. Leman: A couple of other things I said was, “Well, you feel a lot like you failed and you cry a lot.” What you just confirmed in your question is you feel like a failure and you cry a lot. In fact, I love your line that you and your husband have decided you’re never going to leave the house again. You go off for these idealistic ideas that we’re going to go to the zoo. Okay? It’s summertime. Dr. Leman: The high today is going to be 88 . It’s going to be really humid. Really? Is this the day to go to the zoo with two kids in the stroller? Or wouldn’t it be better to maybe get a day when it’s 70 degrees with lower humidity? Just throw that out for your consideration. But you have to owe up to the fact that somehow you and your hobby have created this powerful child by falling prey to what most parents fall prey to and that is my child needs to be happy. Dr. Leman: I need a happy child. So you do everything from,if you’re in a place where the child’s supposed to be quiet, you have a whole grocery store in your purse. You’ve tried a sucker, you’ve tried gum, you’ve tried mints, you’ve tried this, you’ve tried that. You have just gone and run yourself ragged trying to make sure this child is happy at every turn. So one of the things you have to address is my child deserves the right to be miserable. Andrea: They deserve the right to be unhappy? Dr. Leman: Yes. Let her be miserable as she possibly can be, especially when she’s over tired because that’s when they’ll really do their dog and pony show to their full extent. Like I said, many times at that point, a child gets to what I call the point of no return. You could have me and four other of your favorite authors in the room who’ve written books about behavior. Once that kid hits that point of no return, none of us are going to be able to do anything with that kid. Dr. Leman: They’re going to have to continue the meltdown cycle. What does that mean? It means you pick that kid up, Jenny. You’ve put her in a room, you close the door. If You have to hold it, so be it. You’ll hold it long enough that she’ll probably just fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion with her blankie behind the door. So be it. That’s round one. Dr. Leman: The good news is after a two-hour nap, you have a reasonable good chance of returning just some kind of a okay state for everybody. You create the powerful child, which means one of you tends to be a powerful person. What you have to understand, Jenny, is your little four-year-old sweet daughter, I’ll bet she’s sweeter than sweet. She’s learned to be powerful by you guys. She’s watched how you overreact. You don’t respond very well. Dr. Leman: You react and that reaction itself will jettison a kid to even further misbehavior. I don’t want to leave that little crying two-year-old out of the picture because whatever the four-year-old is, the two-year-old’s going to go the opposite direction. You say he is just getting to a point where he’s whining and crying. Again, I say with tongue and cheek, you need a wine cellar. So when a kid gets really whiny, you need to have the fortitude to pick them up and put them in his crib, if he’s still in a crib or in his bedroom or whatever. Without a lot of words, maybe a look on your face that you’re not the happiest person in the world would help. Dr. Leman: It’s tough at this age. I mean anybody with a four-year-old and a two-year-old, I was over at my school yesterday. A Young woman walked in and she had one in the stroller and one was walking independently, the oldest, which is probably about five or six. Then one was holding her hand and she’s pushing the cart with the other. Dr. Leman: I just said, “Hey, how’s the busy mom?” She said, “Doc, just trying to get through the day.” I can appreciate that because that is the goal for many, just to get through the day. So if you’re lucky enough to be home with your children, that’s good and bad. The bad part is you’ve been with them all day. They know your every move. they’ve been working you. Now there’s two of them, not just one. So you’d be a great candidate to read any of my books on raising kids and try to get a game plan between yourself and your husband to do life a little differently. Doug: So Dr. Leman, her question is, how can I actually enjoy these early years? Dr. Leman: You’re destined to not enjoy these years if you continue on the happy track. The happy track says, “My kid has to be happy. I’m gonna do everything to appease my daughter.” So when she gets into her, “No, I want this. I don’t want that.” Don’t give her the choice. “Here it is, honey. You don’t want to eat it, that’s fine.” Start building in what I call reality discipline, that there’s order in this home. Honey, what do you want? I want cereal. You start making the cereal. Now, she wants pancakes. Well, no, that’s not how it works. You said cereal and I poured the milk on it,x and that’s it. Doug: Long before we had ever talked, I remember my epiphany moment when I read Have a New Kid by Friday. You have a line in there that says a unhappy child is a healthy child. I’ll never forget all the light bulbs that went off in my head about that reality. So you’re right, because we try and keep them happy, it doesn’t help us. Okay. I’m going to take a break here and tell everybody about the ebook. A special from Baker this week. It is My Youngest, There is No One Like You for only a $1.99 from July 23rd to July 29th of 2019. For $1.99, What is My Youngest, There’s No One Like You about, Dr. Leman? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s a book that I did with my son who just this past weekend, won his 19th Emmy. He is very, very talented. He’s a writer, he’s an illustrator. He’s a guy that can do about everything under the sun. But this book is one of the series. My only child, my firstborn child, my middle child, my youngest child, my adopted child, and my grandchild. There’s No One Like You, that’s the name of the series. So this book we’re highlighting today, My Youngest Child, There is No One Like You is a quick look at what a youngest child is like. So it’s got some birth order stuff. I bet it’s sewn into a story. By the way, you can download that for $1.99. That’s great and you’ll enjoy it. But fair warning to all, if you see that book someplace, buy it. Those are limited edition books. Dr. Leman: The Middle Child Book I have seen for $400 for one book. So look for those series. If you could see any of those books and you can buy them new some place, buy them. Retail is $13 on them if I recall. But they’re just fun and memorable books. They’re gift books that a parent could give even to their adult child is a little memento of what it was like to have you, the youngest child in the family. So they’re really cool books. But again, if you can see them, if you have an opportunity to buy them in hardpack, they have a little a flyleaf cover on them that’s very nicely illustrated, but check them out. It’s worth it for sure. Doug: $1.99 July 23rd through the 29th. Now, No Nonsense Parenting Advice with Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: Mommy, I want a puppy. Dr. Leman: Daddy, can we get a cat? Dr. Leman: You know what? The Leman’s of had hermit crabs, guinea pigs, turtles, and several dogs. Parents, you know the drill here. Some of you, you get so sucked in by your kids. You live in a two bedroom apartment, you both work. You got two kids. Quite frankly, the last thing you need is a pet, but many of you will go ahead and get that pet. You know down the road it’s going to cause problems. Certainly going to cause problems when you want to go away and be at grandma’s for three weeks. Good luck finding a dog sitter, etc. Well, not to come across like an old crouch, but you know and I know that if there’s a pet in the family, most of that responsibility for having the pet is falling on who? Dr. Leman: That’s right. You, your six-year-old isn’t taking the cat to get her shots or paying for it or to get the dog’s nails clipped or shampooed or you name it. So this really is a decision that you have to really think through. Now again, we have enjoyed having a dog in our family. We’ve had a dog in our family almost all of my life and I’ve always enjoyed the company of a dog. I would admit to everything I just said that it’s costly and they can interrupt your lifestyle and whatever. But is a pet great for a kid? Yes. Depending upon where you live, depending upon their age, their responsibility. Dr. Leman: But don’t get caught up in the emotional moment. If you’re hit with the opportunity, so to speak, to get a pet and give it a week, parents, and think about it. Think about will this pet really enrich our life right now or is there another time for a pet? I love going to the zoo. I love seeing all the animals. In fact, recently I was on Fox and Friends and they had baby Bengal tigers in the studio and a baby leopard. What beautiful creatures. You want to take them home. Dr. Leman: They’re so gorgeous and beautiful. I love to watch animals, but it’s sort of like what some grandparents had said to me, “I love my grandchildren because I can really enjoy them and then give them back at the end of the evening and go home.” Dr. Leman: So with that in mind, my advice is simply really think this thing through. Don’t get caught up in emotion, in the wailing and crying of your kids because the bottom line is you, parent, more than anybody else in the family is going to be responsible for that pet. You want kids to be responsible? Of course you do. But I’m just telling you, the reality of life is you’re going to do more for that pet than your son or your daughter. Good luck. Doug: Okay. Dr Leman in between the three of us, Andrea is more the mom that probably relates to this. Andrea, you don’t have four and two-year-olds anymore. Your kids are a little bit bigger now. Andrea: Yup. Doug: And when you think back to those years, there were times when you were just exhausted, worn out, tired. Andrea: Frustrated. Doug: Frustrated. When you hear Jenny’s question, what would you say to Jenny about doing the hard work of not just making it happy, happy, happy, and having her purse full of food and actually doing this advice of Doctor? What will be the payoff to you or Jenny? Andrea: Jenny, you’re asking about how to enjoy these days now. The thing is you’ve got a lot more years with the kids and you want to enjoy them in the future. I enjoy my kids today, all teenagers. We have a lot of fun together. So it is hard to say no and it is hard to not make that child happy at the moment. But they will thank you for it. I’ve had my kids thank me for how I’ve parented them and making those hard decisions to not keep them happy at every moment, to discipline them. The pay off is totally worth it. Doug: Dr. Leman, what’s the opposite? If Jenny keeps on the happy, happy trail, always having gummy bears around for the kids, trying to placate them. What is Jenny going to ended up with? If she’s frustrated now, what will she end up with? Dr. Leman: You won’t like spending time with your kids. I mean, listen to your question, you’ll want to enjoy this time. As time goes on, if you don’t do some things, these are kids that you’re not going to want to be around. But check this out, other people aren’t going to enjoy being around them either because they’re so self-centered and selfish. All they care about is me, me, me. Dr. Leman: Who wants to be around that person? Nobody. Who wants to marry that person? Nobody. Nobody should. But somebody will, and pay for it in all probability. So these are huge things. I mean, my wife, we had three kids under six, well, when she had her firstborn, she decided she was going to quit working outside of the home. We had one car. We couldn’t afford two cars, so we bought an old used car. Back in those days, there weren’t pampers around in pull ups, Huggie this and Huggie that. Dr. Leman: No. It was old diaper, diaper pails. I mean how my wife survived all that, I look back on it now she survived it because she had a good sense of enough is enough. There will be discipline in this home. We cut our teeth on Holly. She was probably the toughest one of all the kids cause she certainly had some instincts in her that made her an inquiring mind. Dr. Leman: She wanted to know everything, but she was slightly powerful as well. So we turned that around and we dealt with it on the same page. Now look, as we’ve talked about many times, we have kids who actually want to hang out with us and have fun with us. Jenny, again, I think your question is the best question we’ve ever had. It shows the heart of a mom and God bless you. I know you’re really trying to be a good mom. Dr. Leman: You probably need to be less of a great mom in your mind and start doing some things differently. The nice thing about the techniques that are in my books is you put them to test. I mean we’re talking 48 hours, 72 hours, a few days, and you will see a change of the kids. They will change. Why? Because you’ve successfully done some changing on your own. Dr. Leman: So that’s what sets that up. So I just want to encourage you to do some more reading and put those actions into play. Again, you take it all personally, I think you said that. You have to shed yourself off that one. Realize that a good mom is really good at dishing out Vitamin N which has no, and vitamin E which is encouragement. I wish you well on that. Doug: Jenny, thank you a ton for your question. It really was an amazing question. For all of you that are out there, I’ll say it again. Go read Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, or Have a New Kid by Friday as a starting point to get the confidence to do these things. Doug: Dr Leman was exactly right. In a few days, a few weeks, you will see a change in your kid. It really, but it really gives you the confidence to do it. I can’t encourage enough. All righty. It was great to be with you today and we love answering your questions. You can go to BirthOrderGuide.com/podcastquestion. There’s a microphone and you can leave your question just like Jenny. We would love to hear what it is and answer. So we enjoy adding to your parenting toolbox so you’re going to love these kids and enjoy them more and more. Andrea: Have a great week enjoying your kids. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye Bye.

Does your child always get the last word? Do you feel like you’ve failed to separate your marriage from your kids? Do you cry often? These are the signs you have a powerful child. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman provides insight on how to reclaim your home from your powerful child. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– Jul 16 – 22: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours ebook for $3.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug Terpening: Okay. If you’ve been listening to this podcast more than two times, you know you have a powerful child. What you may not know is, what is the easiest way for me to spot that I have a powerful child. So we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Hey, Dr. Leman, what are the three signs that I might, or I do, or regretfully, I am that powerful child. Well, that’s what we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Doug Terpening: Hi I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea T.: And I’m Andrea. Doug Terpening: And we are super, fantabulously glad that you are here with us today. And if this happens to be your first time, welcome, and we want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Dr. Leman, there are more and more new people that are jumping into the podcast right in the middle, and we haven’t talked about this in a bazillion years, but this podcast is going out the middle of July, and the entire Leman kids, I still can’t believe this, as grown adults, will do what? They will all gather together and pay their own way to do what this summer? Dr. Leman: We’ll be back in New York at our summer hideaway from life, and then several of the kids will be joining us, we’re going to do a trip over to Germany and then down to Spain. You know, for the sake of all you young mommies and daddies, it’s possible these kids are going to end up, and call you blessed, and they’re going to want to hang out with you because you’ve done a good job of parenting. And that’s one of the things we try to help you with, it’s just how to get you to be a good parent. And notice we’re not saying even great, or wonderful, or the best, or let’s just, if you’re a good parent, things are going to work out real well, trust me. Doug Terpening: And the reason I just bring this up again is like, your kids also will gather every year, maybe not when you’re going to Europe, and hang out at the lake house just to be with each other, and bring all the grandkids. And I just think that’s the dream, right? That all my kids, with their kids in tow, would want to pay their own way to fly out, to hang out with mom and dad again for weeks in the summer. So, the reason I bring that up is, Dr. Leman is not just talking theory, he’s living it with his kids. So, alrighty. Well let’s jump into today’s topic. Dr. Leman what are three signs that I have a powerful child? Dr. Leman: One of them will throw you for a loop, I’ll start with that one. You feel like you’ve failed as a parent. Then the second one I would add is, your child has to have the last word in every conversation, and then maybe a third might be, you cry a lot, sometimes silently, but you really are, you’re crying too much. Andrea T.: These were not I was expecting at all. Dr. Leman: Well no, because if you have a powerful child, he or she knows how to punch your buttons. The frustration. Let’s just take the case of the kid who refuses to get up in the morning for school, and you’ve called them four times, and you’ve threatened him, and you’ve done everything short of getting a court order to get the guy out of bed. Okay, let’s make him 14, that’s always a good age. And he finally flies out the front door, bare chested, with a shirt in his hand, running for the school bus. And wouldn’t you know it, he just made it by three seconds. And your shoulders slump, and you take a deep breath, and you ask yourself, “Birth control, I should’ve used birth control.” Or you have thoughts like, “Why? Why do I go through this every morning? What have I done Lord, to deserve this?” Dr. Leman: It can take every form known to mankind, but this is what you have to understand is, you’ve created that kid that is so powerful, that you ran to the store and you bought Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, or Have a New Kid by Friday. My question is, did you read those books? Because in there is the secret to avoiding power struggles by holding a little 14 year old, or a little four year old accountable for the things they do in life, in a way that features your responding to kids rather than just reacting. Dr. Leman: So yeah, those three will surprise you. They have to have the last word, which the kid is saying, “I’m the boss of you. I’m better than you. I am an authority over you and you will do what I ask you to do, and if you don’t do what I ask you to do, I’m going to create such a commotion that you’re going to wish you would have done what I commanded on the first opportunity.” And I mention crying a lot because this gets a parent down, because these parents who have these kids are really great people who are trying to do things right. The problem is, they’re doing too much decision making for the child, and many times, they are joined with a partner who doesn’t see life like they do, and that creates a whole other set of problems. Andrea T.: So Dr. Leman, based on what you just said, if I feel like I’ve failed as a parent, if I have that powerful child I might actually have failed. What would you respond to that? Dr. Leman: Yeah, I mean, I don’t want to call you a loser, but I’m just telling you that right at the very get go you tippy toed around the house. You had your home as silent as you could because baby was sleeping, that’s mistake number one, okay. I’m going way back to when you’re bringing them home from the hospital. When you brought them home from the hospital, 10 days to two weeks later, did you go out for an by yourself and leave the child home alone? In all probability you didn’t. Dr. Leman: You took that little sucker with you, and they became the third part of the wheels, so to speak. That’s okay for a while, but it has its limits, and you have to be a couple, and you have to have separation. And that’s why after a few weeks you separate that child into their own little room, and yes, you have a monitor so you can check on him, I get it. I understand the concerns of young moms and dads, but did you really train the child up to be independent? Or did you attach that child to your hip at every turn? Dr. Leman: So, when I say you got what you deserve parent, you did, because you failed to separate your marriage from your responsibilities as a mom or dad. Now that’s something you guys probably never heard before. Doug Terpening: No. Well, how can a parent do that in this day and age when there’s so much pressure to take care of that little one in that, almost like, your very identity is tied up into how well I take care of Buford. Dr. Leman: Well, you know, I’ve told the story when I brought our first born Holly home. I held her about two feet out from my chest with my arms outstretched, and my wife looked at me, and she said, “What are you doing?” I said, “Well, I’d go want to hurt her.” I was clueless. Babies like to be cuddled, they like to stick their little head under your neck there and snuggle up tight. And unfortunately, I had a great teacher, but I’m just telling you that these basic things that get us off track are easy to fall into it. Dr. Leman: Before long, you’ve got to ask your question, “Excuse me, which one’s the organ grinder and which one is the monkey? Who’s training who here?” And here’s this little kid, you know, he’s sitting in his high chair, he is a fussy eater already at age 18 months, and all of a sudden dad gets a spoon and goes, “Vroom, vroom, vroom,” and moving the spoon all around. And the kid’s thinking, “Oh, wait a minute, here comes the air show. I love this air show. This is such amusement for me. This is great. This is better than Dora The Explorer. This is great entertainment.” Dr. Leman: “If he only knew the look he had on his face when he makes that vroom sound, he would never do that. My goodness, this is pathetic. Okay, now watch this. I’m just going to, I’m going to open my mouth like I’m going to eat it, and then I’m going to close at the last second.This is my favorite part. And so here he comes. All right, here goes. Oh, I shut my mouth. Oh, look at his face. He thought he had me. He didn’t.” I’m telling you, you have to get behind a kid’s eyes, and see how they play us like violins. Dr. Leman: Parents, that’s why I say you have to be warm and you have to be firm. You’re warm with your kids. You’re not being disdainful, you’re not going to be disrespectful. You’re not going to be angry, and screaming, and yelling, or hitting, or anything like that. But there’s some firm limits. What have I said about food? Let the reality of the situation become the teacher to the child. Dr. Leman: So if you’ve got a powerful child who says, “Hey, I’m not eating that.” Fine, put them down from the high chair, let them go do what two year olds do, or three year olds do. In a little while you’re going to hear signs of, “Mommy, I want some food. I want food, I’m hungry.” “Yeah, I bet you are hungry. Couldn’t have anything to do with the fact you didn’t finish your breakfast this morning.” It’s pretty simple stuff, but I didn’t say it was easy, I just said it was simple. Doug Terpening: So Dr. Leman, a quick story that may or may not apply, but we had a couple of youngish moms get together, I wasn’t there, and they all complained about how horrible all their children were, and how they were blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But there was one mom who actually has read your books, and applied it, and she’d said to us privately, she said, “You know what, I don’t have those problems with my kids. And I actually, at this age now,” they were sort of between nine and about four. “I really get to just enjoy my kids.” Doug Terpening: And I tell that story because, is it true that most of the people out there, the narrative out there is that our children do run the house, and they just are kind of hellions, and are we a self fulfilling prophecy now in this? Dr. Leman: They do run the house, to answer your question. But see, the smart parent who understands the word authority. Again, how many teachings have we done over the time, but you have to understand parents, there’s a difference in being an authority and being an authoritarian. It’s that wonderful midline between being a chump and being walked over by your kids. Those are your permissive parents who insist your child wins at everything, and the authoritarian parents who basically just say, “You’re going to do life the way I tell you to do it and when I tell you to do it.” But that parent, just like that one you described, she had firm limits, she had expectations in her family, and now she can enjoy these kids. Dr. Leman: And again, late breaking news parents, if you’re driving by chance, just hold onto the wheel. Your kids actually want to please you. They want to please you, let them please you. Don’t do everything for them. Let them surprise you. Let them do things around the house that you didn’t expect, and share the joy when you see the completed act, with, “Wow! Honey, I appreciate your help so much.” You want to give your kid vitamin E, you want them to feel good about themself, that’s how you do it. Doug Terpening: I have to stop us here for just a moment because I have to talk about the e-book promotion this week. Like, there’s just no way I can’t at this point. Because if you complain about your children, if you complain about, it’s the worst, this is what you should do. You should go get the e-book promotion from Revell, that is, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, for only $3.99, July 16th to July 22nd. Dr. Leman, can you tell us why the parent who has that powerful child, that’s relating to this, should go get Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s a wonderful resource. You know, this summer, talking about these July dates, the kids are going to be in the pool, and within 30 seconds of your kid getting in the pool, what two words are you going to hear parent? I want you all to think about that. Your kids are in the pool, what two words are you going to hear real quickly? “Watch me. Watch me.” Okay, we’ll watch them do their cannonball, or whatever they’re doing, and then look down on your phone. You’ve downloaded, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. And as you rest, enjoying the rays of the sun, and you’re there, one eye on the children, and one eye on Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, you’re going to get a plethora of resources, of ideas about how to deal with tattling, sibling rivalry, kids who don’t seem to be motivated, kids who lie, kids who misbehave, kids who hit you. I mean, you name it, it’s in that book. Dr. Leman: I mean, you would have a hard time finding any kind of behavioral problem that you don’t face everyday parent, that’s not covered and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. So if you can download that sucker on that phone of yours, and you all live your life on the phone, let’s tell the truth here, for how much does it? $4. Doug Terpening: Yep. Dr. Leman: Oh my goodness. Doug Terpening: That’s the bargain. I get nothing from you buying this book, but I’m just telling you for your sake do it, so that you’ll have the confidence to do the right thing, so that you can enjoy your children. I just can’t stress enough, it’ll give you the confidence, it’ll give you the clarity. Just go do it. Dr. Leman: The other thing I would add about that book is, maybe you’ve read Have a New Kid by Friday, which is an excellent book, it’s a New York Times Best Seller as a matter of fact. But I always tell people, you’re a parent, start with the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. It gives you the theoretical framework, okay, in a not so theory filled approach. My approach is to use humor, and to be very practical. You’re getting the theory, but you’re getting it in a very fun way, and you’ll close that book and say, “Ah, now I got it. I know the difference between authority, authoritarianism, and permissiveness.” If you got that locked down, wow, you’re on second base and ready to run toward home. Doug Terpening: So, now we get to hear no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know, I was staying at the Charles de Gaulle Airport in France, at a hotel right there, to make sure I didn’t miss my plane. Well, this is hard to admit, but I missed it, and I missed it by about 45 minutes. It was embarrassing because I got up early enough, and I decided to have a cup of coffee downstairs in the hotel and let my beautiful bride sleep a little longer, that was mistake number one. But the point is, I missed my plane, and it cost me $2,300 more to get back to the States. Dr. Leman: Well, I want to talk to you about picky eaters. Now there’s a segway from Charles de Gaulle Airport to picky eaters. But you know, sometimes you miss the plane, sometimes you miss the train. With picky eaters, they can whine, they can throw temper tantrums, they can be just downright stubborn and miserable, because you put food in front of them and the dog and pony show starts. Dr. Leman: “I don’t want that.” “I don’t like that.” “I don’t feel like eating that.” And mom or dad, if you haven’t read one of my books, you try to satisfy this little sucker. Let me tell you something straight out. Three things in life that get parents in trouble, sleeping, eating, and going potty. Those are three very natural things that every kid is going to do. They’re going to go to sleep. Can you make them go to sleep? No, but you can keep them in a room. And they’re going to go potty, and they’re going to eat. If a kid chooses not to eat, make no fanfare of it. “Honey, that’s fine. Why don’t you go ahead and get down from the table and play, whatever you want to do.” And they’ll come back. I guarantee you they’ll be back with “I’m hungry,” but a simple statement like, “Honey, I bet you are hungry. You didn’t eat your breakfast this morning,” will suffice. Dr. Leman: Don’t pull out food for that child. Say, “Honey, the next scheduled meal here is at noon. I hope you’re here for it. I think it’s going to be pretty good, but you be the judge. Maybe you won’t like it. If that’s the case, you might take your chances on dinner. You never know, something good might show up around six o’clock.” In other words, hey, the train is leaving, you either eat or you don’t eat. You don’t make special meals for kids. Does that mean you can’t ask a child once in a while what they would like special for a meal? No, I’m not saying that, but you’re not going to be doing three or four different meals for three or four kids in the morning, trying to get them out to school in the morning. So food is food. Dr. Leman: They’re either going to eat the food or they’re not, and when a kid says, “I don’t want that,” the best response is, “Honey, that’s fine. You don’t have to eat it. You don’t have to eat the thing. It’s your stomach. Maybe you’re not even hungry today,” and walk out of the room. They won’t know what hit them. Dr. Leman: I know what some of you are thinking. “My son’s going to grab a banana and run out the door,” so be it, that’s not the end of the world, at least he’s got a banana in his gut. But I wouldn’t play these dog and pony shows and games that kids love to play with us. Okay, you’re responsible for what you put in your mouth mom and dad, let your kids be responsible for what they put in their mouth as well. Doug Terpening: Okay, Dr. Leman, we got to give people hope here at the end of this. I have that powerful child. Andrea T.: I cry a lot. Doug Terpening: They’re always fighting. They always have the last word. Andrea T.: And I like I’ve failed as a parent. Doug Terpening: I have taken your advice and I’ve listened to you. How long is it going to take for this behavior and our relationship to change if I implement what you’ve said in Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours? Dr. Leman: I’m going to go out and say, within 48 hours to 72 hours you will see a new kid on your hands. But what you have to do, and I underline the word have, you have to begin behaving differently. So if you’re in a situation, and you don’t know what to do, stop, do nothing. Think, “All right, this has happened a gazillion times,” to use your favorite word Doug, “In our home. What do I normally do? Okay, I got that down. Okay, and I want to know what I do.” And you can ask yourself, “How’s that working out for you?” “Not very well.” And so, what you’re going to say is, “Okay, I’m going to do something different. I’m going to keep the ball on his or her side of the court.” And it might be something just simple like, “Mom, where’s my shoes?” It’s amazing what moms are supposed to know. “Honey, they’re not on my feet.” I mean you can say anything, but stop doing the dog and pony show that you do with your kids on a daily basis. Dr. Leman: They won’t know what hit them, and then develop the ability to say, “No. No, I don’t feel I doing that.” “No, we’re not going there.” And let them dig it out, let them work for it. “Mom, you always let us do this. You always let us do that.” “Well, mom doesn’t feel like letting you do anything today.” Because again, let them dig, let them really scour the Earth to figure out, “What’s going on with mom?” Dr. Leman: And maybe it was just a smart mouth two hours earlier, that precipitated you copping an attitude, and maybe after three or four attempts to get to the bottom of this from their perspective, you say, “Well, you know, I don’t know if you’re aware of the conversation we had a couple hours ago, but I was just thinking about that, and mom is very unhappy.” Turn your back and walk away. If you do that, the kids won’t know what hit them. And they’re not going to feel good about themselves, and they knew they shouldn’t have said what they said, and they’re going to come around at that point and they’re going to apologize in one form or another. Dr. Leman: Now, some won’t. Some are just so stubborn they’re going to wait you out and see if this is for real, but most will come around. Now, the important thing is, once they apologize, then they go right back to, “Well, mom, can we go to the mall now?” Or whatever. And the answer is still no, because that’s part of the discipline that must accompany the love you have for your child. Andrea T.: It feels like, if I start to cop an attitude, like you said, how does it not become a snowball where they get even more of an attitude? Dr. Leman: Well the attitude is a dull one, it’s not a vindictive one. It’s a flat emotional, “No, I don’t feel like doing this.” “No mom’s unhappy.” Just statements. You can be sullen even. But you’re not rubbing their nose in it. See, if you’ve got a powerful child, the instinct inside of you says, “What did you just say? I am your mother. Do you understand who you’re talking to young man?” It’s like you want to grab that little puppy from behind the neck and rub their nose in it, and anybody who trains dogs will tell you that’s not a good idea. But dog owners have done it for years, and it doesn’t work, and it doesn’t work with kids either. It just makes the kid more powerful. Doug Terpening: And for the other side of the fence, like the sweet, sweet moms like Andrea, I remember the first time she took your advice Dr. Leman, and told one of her kids, “I am disappointed in your behavior,” and turned and walked away. I think she walked into her room and cried for an hour because she felt so bad [crosstalk 00:21:10] that she had [crosstalk 00:21:11] done something. Dr. Leman: Well, name three people nicer on this Earth than Andrea Terpening. I mean, she’s just one of those lovely, nice, sunshiny people that’s just fun to be around. And so, you put a lovely lady, put four kids around her, man, they can work her like a a violin. Andrea T.: But it’s hard to be mean to them. Doug Terpening: Listen to that. Okay. Dr. Leman: But that’s where you go to Doug, and say, “Doug, am I being mean or am I being helpful?” And Doug’s going to say, “Actually, you’re doing the right thing and you’re being helpful.” Andrea T.: Yes. And your kids [crosstalk 00:21:47] will thank you later. Doug Terpening: Your kids will thank you. Dr. Leman: They will. Doug Terpening: Like she did this to our kid, and the kid later apologized to her. Right? So it works. It really… If you’re the sweet, sweet, sweet one like Andrea, or if you’re the mean one like me, it really does work. So- Andrea T.: It’s okay, you’re not being mean. Doug Terpening: You’re not being mean. So I am going to ask you a gazillion requests to go buy this book for yourself. You will think me a gazillion times. So can I say gazillion enough times now that Dr. [crosstalk 00:22:15]- Andrea T.: I think you just want to say the words now. Doug Terpening: I just want to say it now. So, please go- Dr. Leman: $3.99 right? Doug Terpening: $3.99. Dr. Leman: You’re such a loser if you don’t go get that. That is such a bargain. Oh my goodness, $4? Doug Terpening: $4, July 16th to July 22nd. For your sake, go get it please, please. Okay. Well this concludes our show, and as always, I can’t encourage you enough, if you’re listening to this, to pass this on to all of, your sister-in-law, and to your brother-in-law, and your brother, that you are worried about how they’re parenting, so that they’ll hear it and go buy the book themselves. Send it on Facebook, or however. Doug Terpening: Okay. I think I’ve said this enough. All right, why don’t you to go buy the book. Alrighty. Well, we love being with you,, and we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you, so that you can add to that parenting toolbox, so that you can enjoy and love those kids more. Andrea T.: Have a great day. Doug Terpening: Take care. Bye-bye. Andrea T.: Bye.

When you have a powerful child on your hands, the word “no” can lose its effectiveness. Dr. Leman gives his advice on how to back up your ‘no’ in today’s “Ask Dr. Leman”. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– Jul 9 – 15: My Adopted Child, There’s No One Like You ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: Well I’m trying to implement A before B, but I just don’t know how long or what things to stick to. I have a powerful child and Dr. Leman keeps telling me I need to do this, but I just can’t do it. Doug: That’s the question that actually you asked about Elizabeth and we get to answer that question today. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And if this is your first time with us. Hello, bello, bello. We are so glad that you’re with us. I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, I am super excited that we have Elizabeth’s question today about how do I deal with what Andrea just said? Andrea: Powerful child. Doug: And how long do I have to deal with it. Here we go. Here is Elizabeth’s question. Elizabeth: Hi Dr Leman. Thank you for listening. I have reared a powerful child, she’s six years old and I have a three and a half year old who is much easier to deal with. But trying to make some changes for both of them because I know they’ll both do better. But my question is in the books you recommend when a child is very disrespectful, I’m assuming yelling at me for example, hitting me, then you recommend saying no to the child’s requests. My question is how long does that go on for? Elizabeth: Do I say no for days and days and days or just one day, just one hour, just two hours? And also what kind of requests do I say no to? For example, does she still get a bedtime story? I understand she should be contrite. I just wasn’t sure how long and what kind of requests do you recommend saying no to? For example, for my six year old, I mean, would I not serve her a plate for dinner? Would I have her get her own plate? Would I have her make her own food? I mean obviously I’m going to make sure she’s having food offered. Thank you so much for your time. Dr. Leman: Well, Elizabeth, you sound like a good mom and I’ve talked with a lot of mommies who face those same questions that you have asked and you’ve raised a lot of them, but first of all, before we can have a discussion about what to do, you have to understand that you have created, you have taught that six year old how to be powerful, how to be perfectionistic, how to only accept life on her terms. And let me go back to a scene I witnessed just within this last year. In fact, a book that has not even been released yet to the public I just finished, it’s fresh in my mind. Dr. Leman: And my wife and I were sitting in a Texas roadhouse and a young family came in. It was grandma, grandpa, husband, wife, baby and it looked like maybe an aunt or a cousin or something, another adult female. And they arrived at the table and the person who sat them had one of those wooden high chairs that you can invert upside down and put a carrier on it if you wanted to. You know what they look like. Well. Anyway, as they sat down and they put that little child into the… I can’t even say this without laughing, into the highchair. I began to chuckle inside and I said to myself, “Self, this is going to be good.” Dr. Leman: And I could predict exactly what was going to happen. When they went to put this little child of about 13 months old into the chair, she reared up her legs, held them close to her body, that made it almost impossible to get her in there. So Dad, as I recall, straightened out her legs and plunked her down in there and a fussing ensued. I said to myself, “She’s out of there within 60 seconds.” And sure enough she was. Dad took her out, put little 13-month old on his lap. I thought, “Oh boy, I can see this.” Dr. Leman: Well, little 13-month old became more distraught that she was on daddy’s lap and it was inevitable that it wasn’t another 90 seconds later. Oh, I left out a part. Dad tried to give her a little macaroni and cheese that he had ordered as they walked in the door because they wanted to give the baby something to eat. Well, he offered it to the baby and baby smashed it back in daddy’s face, upon which time mom came to the rescue and grabbed 13 month old. And the saga just continued. These are the seedlings of creating a powerful child. And what I’m saying to you is, and I know you’re a good mom, Elizabeth, you tried. You tried to make this little kid happy at every turn and was that a mistake? Yes. Because there’s times that kids need to be unhappy because of their own behavior or things they did. Dr. Leman: Even a 13 month old is capable of striking out and attempting to hit you. All those little things. I understand they’re a part of life, but I want you to accept the possibility that maybe you’ve created this little 13 month old, I don’t want to call her a little monster that’s a little too much, but let’s just leave it a powerful child, it sounds better, more civilized. So you have to own up to that. This is the situation that you created. And how long did it take to get you full fledged to this point? Six years of training. So again, what I’m saying is children tend to train us, especially kids who have a powerful leaning in their life. But to create a powerful child, either mom or dad must also be powerful because that that’s how the kid learns the powerful behavior by modeling after you. Dr. Leman: So with that as a backdrop, you’ve asked a lot of questions and you’ve heard me right? When a child disses you, you follow through and you’ve asked the question, is that immediately? Yes, the answer is immediately. Now there’s some situations, social situations where you can’t act immediately. You’re in a public place, you’re in a concert or in church or whatever, and it might be just ill-advised to act exactly seconds after the incident. But you could also pick up a child and leave and deal with it outside of the avenue that you find yourself. Hitting, for example, you mentioned hitting. A six year old hitting you. You would never tolerate that, for a second. That child, as soon as they hit you, needs to be removed from the scene, put in a space where she is alone. It can be your bedroom. You may have heard me say, “Hold the door.” And she’ll go crazy. Dr. Leman: She’ll kick the door, she’ll scream and yell and have a major meltdown. Do not open that door until everything’s quiet. Once there’s quiet, you let her out. Ask her if she’s ready to join you. That’s all. But the very next request that she asked for, I don’t care what it is. The answer is no. “Mommy doesn’t feel like getting your glass of milk right now.” So you’re asking questions. Does that mean that she doesn’t get story time that night? Yeah. “Mom doesn’t feel like reading you a story tonight honey.” That’s all. Walk away. And she might cry and throw herself on the floor, just close the door and walk out. You say, well, she’ll come after me now if you’re holding the door, she won’t. She might fall asleep an hour later with her blankie under her arm at the door. So be it. Dr. Leman: She’s learning by your action that you’re not going to tolerate her powerful like behavior. So those are a few openers Andrea and Doug you heard some of our other questions. Maybe if I missed something you can redirect me to address. But you have to at this point use action and not words. Doug: Well before we follow up with our questions while we have a great break here, I thought this would be a good spot to do the ebook offer for all our listeners. It’s My Adopted Child, There’s No One Like You. July nine through 15 for $1.999 where eBooks are sold. My Adopted Child, There’s No One Like You. I’m embarrassed to say this Dr. Leman, I did not realize you wrote a book about how to deal with adopted children. Dr. Leman: Yes, I have and in fact my daughter Hannah, by the way, she was the one I worried about of the five kids. She has developed into an entrepreneur. She adopted two African-American babies at birth. She has helped hundreds of people adopt children in a very easy and economical way. Adoption is a very expensive proposition for many. She has a company called kindred, K-I-N-D-R-E-D Incorporated out of Chicago, Illinois. And that adopted child book is so cute and it shares the loving aspects of adoption from the birth parents point of view as well as the adoptive parents’ point of view. And by the way, this is an ebook that we’re offering you. If you see that book anywhere in hardback, buy it. Just trust me, buy it. If there’s several of them, buy them all. Those are limited edition books. Dr. Leman: They will become extremely valuable. Keep them in pristine condition if you buy new ones. If you buy a used one, keep it in as good a condition as you can and just wait, trust me on this one. Those are hard to find. Doug: So you can get that book a July nine through 15 and now no-nonsense parenting advice from Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: I wish I could recite the Barney song. We have grandchildren that are young and so we do catch Barney once in a while. But one of the little songs is, everybody does their share clean up, clean up. Something along that line. You get the message. But you know, a home is the sum of a lot of different parts. It seems to me that a home that’s going to thrive, a home that’s going to connect, a home that’s going to move forward and be a pleasurable place for everybody is a place where mom and dad don’t do everything. In too many homes, mom and dad do everything and the kids live off as like freeloaders. Dr. Leman: What I’m getting at is it’s healthy for every kid to contribute, for every kid to give back to the family. You say, “Well listen, our youngest is three. What’s a three year old going to do?” Well, a three year old can help stack dishes in a Washer, can take clean dishes out of a Washer, can empty wastebaskets. For some of you, they could do your math for you. Just kidding. Anyway, you get the picture. You want to teach kids to be responsible. How do you teach kids to be responsible by obviously giving them responsibility, and those responsibilities get bigger as the years go along. One thing I want to caution parents about, and yes everybody should contribute to the family, but what happens when a kid hits 14 and now they’re in high school and they’re getting more homework and maybe they are in that one activity, and time is really hard for that kid? Dr. Leman: I think lighten up on the activities or the work that the kid does in the family. Let the younger kids pick up that slack. The older kids tend to get saddled with much more work than younger kids, so make sure you spread that out. But everybody cleans their room, everybody can pick up after themselves. There are just basic things that need to be done. If you want to go as far to assign certain responsibilities to different kids, I would suggest using a color chart, a magnet system on the refrigerator door or something where everybody sees what has to be done on a daily basis. That minimizes the reminders and the coxings and the bribings that you parents do so poorly, it doesn’t help. So make sure everybody does their work. Dr. Leman: And of course you know this, you’ve listened to me long enough to know if the kid doesn’t clean his room and it’s way past time, yes, you as a parent can go in and clean it for him if you want to, paying yourself for doing it out of his or her allowance. Or you can hire a sibling to do it, which is even better. Paying that other sibling that money for paying her brother or sister’s room. Good luck work on this. This is an ongoing task for every family. Everybody does their part as Barney says. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I think I’m one of Elizabeth’s core questions was how long does she have to say no for? Dr. Leman: Yeah, that’s a great question Elizabeth. Thanks, and thanks Doug for the reminder. Different strokes for different folks. No one knows your child better than who, Elizabeth? You. And so for some kids, a whole day of mommy say no will be more than sufficient to get the kid’s attention. There are powerful children in this world who will tell you to your face, “You could do anything you want, but I’m not going to do what you asked me to do.” Those kids, the more defiant ones need a little bit more. So I would say, let your own maternal nose be your judge. For young children, it might be three or four different nos in a given day, maybe it’s a half a day and you’re back to normal. But do not be deceived by the child’s confession of, “I’m sorry.” Powerful children are great at using, I’m sorry, and they learn this real quickly in life as their answer all to get back to the status quo. Dr. Leman: So if you’ve been suckered by that, then at least forewarn yourself that you can be used by a child’s premature, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that mommy. Would you forgive me?” With big tears in their eyes. My advice is yes, you can forgive them, but the next question they ask, “Can I have this or can we go here or there?” The answer is no. And that’s a way of really making sure that the kid’s I’m sorry was legitimate so to speak. So if you wait till the next day with a six year old, that’s okay. They can last a day of having the n word put to the test. That would be no. Andrea: The other question she asked was, what kinds of things do I stick to? Do I’d make her fill her own plate, make her own meal? Dr. Leman: Well yeah, she mentioned a lot of different things. A little phrase I like is, “Honey, you can handle that”, when she’ll come and ask for something or help. “Honey, I’m sure you can handle it.” That’s all. Walk away. In other words, there’s almost an art form in knowing how to react to some of these things. Do I tuck her in bed at night? You could. You might eliminate the story. Again, it’s sort of a touchy feeling. It’s an art form at that point. You know your child best, but don’t be suckered because of the guilt that’s welling up in you because you’ve said no to her so many times. Because if she’s not going to start changing today, tell me Elizabeth, what day will she start changing. Doug: Dr. Leman I know I ask this question a lot, but I’ve just heard it from parents so often that I’ll just keep asking it. Praise God that moms are so soft and loving and sweet, but in the back of the mind they’ll say, “If I do this, my child will think I hate them and then I will hurt my relationship with them.” Right Andrea? Or whatever form of that takes, right? That if I do this… She’s shaking her head. You can’t hear that Dr. Leman. Andrea: Sorry. Doug: How do you answer that mom who’s definitely afraid of that happening? Dr. Leman: Well, I would say if you’re a person of faith, you really believe what the Bible teaches us. It says that love and discipline are inseparable. You cannot love a child without discipline. So discipline is not only what we pass down to the child in terms of our action, discipline is having the grit inside of you to remain firm and not to cave in. And it’s hard not to cave in. These kids are cute, they’re adorable. They look like your mom. They look like your dad. She has your hair and unfortunately your nose. But I wouldn’t even go there. I mean, they’re your creation. They’re your flesh and blood in most cases. And I’m just saying discipline’s a two way street. Dr. Leman: So you have to discipline yourself to know that this is good. Let me bring up inoculations, they’re in the news these days. Do inoculations hurt? Do kids cry? Do they fear needles? A lot of them do. My advice, inoculate your children. Is it easy to watch your kid cry? No, but it’s temporary. It goes away. They’ll live through it. You’re the quarterback in your life, parents. These are decisions you have to make, but do not let guilt deter you from using action. Doug: So my final question is for Elizabeth, whose got a full life of a six and a three and a half year old, I think, is there a book in audio form that she could listen to while she’s chasing kids around that would help her gain the confidence to do this? Dr. Leman: Yeah, all of my books, I don’t think there’s any books that don’t have adios attached to them anymore. So they’re all available. They’re usually about 20 bucks, 25 bucks and available on Amazon. Like when I go out and speak, I’ll be speaking in New York, in California, in Illinois, Ohio in the near future. I’ll take books with me many times because they want me to. They’ll always ask, “Why don’t you bring your audio books?” Well, we don’t bring them because the plastic cases they come in many times crack, and people don’t want to buy a cracked plastic case for whatever reason. I get it. So we just tell people, go online and pick them up. You can pick them up. They’re a little pricey, but for people who won’t take time to read a book or people who are just busy and want to pop a DVD in a television set or a CD, listen to it in the car, it’s perfect. There’s all kind of reasons- Doug: Which ones would you recommend? Parenting Your Powerful Child and what else? Dr. Leman: Parenting Your Powerful Child for sure. Have a New Kid by Friday. Making Children Mine Without Losing Yours. Planet Middle School if you got a middle schooler. Those guys are really weird. Have a New Teenager by Friday. Marvelous book. So again, there’s 60, I think there’s 63 Leman books out there. So if you need encouragement folks, they’re out there and I’m really not trying to hawk my book. Trust me, we sell plenty of books, but it’s a resource. I can promise you this, a Leman book will be practical. You’ll have lots of takeaway in every chapter, and you will tend to chuckle and laugh as you learn. That’s by design. I think learning should be fun at all levels. Doug: I think they have updated recently Parenting Your Powerful Child and I would highly recommend you start there. If you resonate with what Elizabeth says, I’d go there and get the base of what you’re dealing with. So well, it was great to be with you and as always if you want to keep getting these podcasts, you can hit the subscribe button. You can also pass it on to others that you love and think it would help them. And we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and just give you more tools so that you love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Bye Bye. Andrea: Bye Bye.

Do you and your spouse seem to have the same disputes that have lasted throughout your marriage? What does your marriage look like once your kids are removed from the equation? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman drops some hard truths for the husbands and wives that can’t seem to get over the hurdle. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– Jul 2 – 8: Have a New Teenager by Friday ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug Terpening: Do you ever find out that you and your love just can’t seem to get on the same page, after 20 years of marriage you still can’t seem to get on the same page. What do you do and how does that affect your parenting? That’s the question we get asked Doctor Lehman today. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug Terpening: And we are so glad that you are with us. If this is your first time, we just want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter it raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug Terpening: Well, Dr. Lehman, here is the topic for today. And this is related to, we’ll make two fictitious people, we’ll call them Andreana and do Dougalaga. How about that? That way we’ll have two random people here, that have been married 20 years, and one of them feels that unless you are working, life is not worth living. And one of them feels like if you aren’t playing, life isn’t working. And after 20 years they still can’t seem to solve this. Doug Terpening: And they still seem to have this expectation of what it does, and now it’s beginning to affect their children because on the weekends there’s always this fight over what are we actually going to do this weekend? Are we’re actually going to enjoy the basketball game, or are we going to go weed the garden, and blah, blah, blah, and do all these other things. Whoever these fictitious people’s children’s. Now, no Saturday mornings can be filled with tension. Dr. Kevin Leman: Yeah. Well, anytime you’ve got two captains of the good ship family and they’re pulling the wheel in opposite directions, you’re going to go no place or you’re going to hit a solid wall sooner or later. It’s a directionless ship on the sea of life. And this is signs of competition in a marriage, where somebody has to take the position that I’m right and you’re wrong. So we’ve got two people who are fighting for superiority in the family. It’s an ongoing battle, it’s been going on for 20 years. So you tell me what you think you could do, couple, in this next year, so when you celebrate your 21st anniversary of fighting with each other, that things will be significantly different. Dr. Kevin Leman: Can you agree to disagree? Is that okay? Can you have different ideas, motives in a marriage? Yes, you can. But there has to be a respectful appreciation for who the other person is. And you guys, I think I’ll call you Joe and Mary, which I think are much better names than what Mr Terpening came up with. Andrea: Yes. I think so too. Dr. Kevin Leman: You, Joe, have to understand that you’ve missed it here. You have not been the man you need to be. You have not been the leader you need to be. You have not been the lover you need to be, that one hurt, I know Joe. Mary, not to let you off the hook, you haven’t been a good wife. You haven’t been a good partner. You’ve thought about yourself, not your husband. You’re easily offended, so is he. I mean, we got a cat and a dog in a bag, is what we’ve got here, and you shake it up for good measure, you can’t even get through a Saturday without having a blowout about what are we going to do? Dr. Kevin Leman: I vote you do nothing. I vote you sit in chairs opposite each other, and just look at each other and don’t say a word. Do that the whole weekend. You say, “Lehman, you’re drinking. What is wrong with you? Where are you getting this from?” Well, I mean really, you’d be money ahead to do that than what you’re doing right now. You’d do less damage to your kids than the dog and pony show you guys create. See, you’re the producer of this, you’re the director. You’re the lighting director, you’re the audio person. You orchestrate this for your own selfish reasons. You’re a selfish couple, tell you the truth. You care too much about yourself and not enough about other people, so you deserve each other. How do you like that? Now you’re really mad at me, and I’m saying did it hurt each other. But you do. I mean, really, you’re pitiful as a couple. Dr. Kevin Leman: I mean, do it a democratic way. Okay, this weekend we do everything you want to do Joe, and next weekend, Mary, we do everything you want to do. I mean, if it has to be that elementary, so be it. But that’s a lousy way to run a marriage and to run a family, and what do you think your kids are feeling watching this dog and pony show? Where do they get the self confidence and the nurture? From these two selfish people? I don’t think so. So as your kids grow older, 20 years married, I’m assuming you’ve got kids that might be in the teenage years, your life’s going to get rockier. I don’t know what else to tell you. You know. Doug Terpening: These are ingrained hypothetically, ingrained, this is the right way to do it. Right? And they’re not in agreement. Andrea: Values. Doug Terpening: There’s almost like a written something that says this is how it should be. How do we get rid of that? What is that? Dr. Kevin Leman: Well, you have to, you know, I’ve said many times that when two people get married, how many people are actually getting married? Doug Terpening: Three. No, four. Six. Dr. Kevin Leman: Six, I knew the Terpenine’s would come through. Two tries, but they got it right. They’ve only heard me say this a thousand times. You can’t get good help these days. That’s all I can tell you. But anyway, we move along. Ouch, that hurt didn’t it? You know I love you. But you know, what I’m saying is, look back at your families that you came out of. Can you not see the seeds that were planted years ago based upon how you were brought up, and how you were treated, and your relationship with your mom, and your dad, and your sisters, and your brothers? You can’t see from whence you came? I’m telling you, you have learned these destructive patterns way before you met each other, by the way. Dr. Kevin Leman: And so you come together in a very neurotic relationship, where you’re trying to solve your own self worth through marriage. Marriage isn’t about solving yourself worth. You know, you want to go talk to a shrink at 350 bucks a pop, go ahead and do it, but I don’t know how much that’s going to help you. I think you have to look inside yourself. You have to humble yourself before your mate, you have to humble yourself before your children, and if you’re a person of faith, which I hope you are, you have to humble yourself before God Almighty. Dr. Kevin Leman: And say, “Lord, we need help. I can’t do this on my own.” There’s a little wonderful scripture with God, all things are possible, even for a miserable couple like you. Doug Terpening: So what is it doing to our children? Dr. Kevin Leman: It destroys them. It takes the foundation away. It builds insecurity in their life. They become carrot seekers, and by that I mean they’ll do anything to get the approval of other people because you guys are so busy with your own battles, you don’t have time to enrich these kids’ lives. You don’t have time to believe in what they’re thinking and saying. You don’t have time to talk with them because you’re at war with your partner. I mean, really, life is short. Take a look at the calendar, it’s been 20 years. What are the next 20 going to be like? I’d love to be there as your celebrate your 50th, that ought to be a great party. Doug Terpening: So you have written a book, Intimate Connections. What would that book say to this couple about what they’re doing? Dr. Kevin Leman: If they read the book in full honesty, I think they would cry when they finish the last page, and they would say, “Wow, we have really blown an opportunity to make a difference in our kids’ lives.” And then my fear would be, that guilt would take over and you would try to do everything in your power to just do things for your children, which would probably be the worst thing you could possibly do. And by things I mean giving them things, and over apologizing to them for your own behavior. Dr. Kevin Leman: But you know, I’ve often said, action not words, and the actions can start today. I’ll tell you, picking up a copy of The Intimate Connection, you would read that, and you’d say, “There are marriages like this?” Yes, there are lots of marriages like this. The Intimate Connection is the utopia. It’s feeling like you can tell your mate everything and know that you’re not going to be judged, that you’re going to be met with compassion and love and understanding. Dr. Kevin Leman: And for you, Joe and Mary, and I know there’s thousands of you out there, you have to put down the weapons. You have to reduce your arsenal. All the barbs that you say with that little rudder that’s in your mouth called a tongue. You need some time to look in the mirror, and pray this prayer, “God help me to love me as I know you love me.” Like I say, there has to be a submission, not only to each other, but to almighty God. You don’t need just a couple spark plugs changed, you need a whole redo of your marital engine. I wish you the best, you need it. Doug Terpening: Wow. Well, we’re going to read the book, hypothetically, for that couple. They need to read that book. Well, since this is a pause while I collect my thoughts here, for a moment, I’d better do this. Again, for podcast listeners, there’s the eBook promotion from the good folks at Bicker, and this one is, Have a New teenager by Friday, July 2nd through the eighth for $3.99, How to Have a New Teenager by Friday, eBook version. Dr. Lehman, Have a New Teenager by Friday. What is it about? Dr. Kevin Leman: It’s an award winning book, okay, that gives you practical ideas. I mean, go on Amazon and read the reviews of the book. You’ll see what other parents say. “This book is fantastic.” “It’s wonderful.” “It gave me a plethora of ideas about handle various situations with this teenager.” Teenagers are weird, but they’re fun. You know, I’ve been asked what the teenagers were like in the Lehman family. I can tell you, we raised five of them without a ripple. And we had fun with them, we roll with the punches. We held firm. We weren’t pushovers our no was no, our yes was yes. And the kids understood that. Dr. Kevin Leman: And today they’re adults, obviously, and they love each other, and they even love their parents. So if that’s anywhere within your aspirations to grow kids who will someday rise up and call you blessed, the Have a New Teenager by Friday book is solid gold for $3.99. I’d download it on every appliance I had, I’d put it on my toaster if I could. Doug Terpening: Great. Thank you for that. And now, no nonsense parenting advice from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Kevin Leman: Here’s one for you, and it’s not even, brought to you by State Farm Insurance, but when do you let your son or daughter drive the family car? That’s the question. I get asked that a lot. Well, obviously you have to wait until they’re of age, and most states at 16 when they can get a permit. Some states you can get it 15 and a few months. But here’s the question I’d ask you to ask yourselves. Did that son or daughter take care of their bike? Did they take care of other things they’ve owned along the way? Or were they the ones that just threw things down, left things out in the rain, didn’t seem to take much care and pride in what you got them? Dr. Kevin Leman: If that’s the case, I’d be leery at the get-go to think that I’m going to hand the keys over to a kid who hasn’t got a good track record of taking care of things. If I’m going to give my son or daughter a car, I want to know that they’re going to take pride in the fact that I believe in them, that I trust him with this automobile, that if there’s an accident, could cost me a lot of grief, time and money. So that’s checkpoint number one. Dr. Kevin Leman: Checkpoint number two. Is your son or daughter responsible in the general sense? Do they get good grades in school? I mean, insurance companies will offer you a discount if they have a B average or above. So these are all sort of background things. Then when you come to, when do you let a kid drive the family car? There has to be some rules governing the use of family car, and who better to come up with those rules than your son or your daughter. They’ll be tougher on themselves. Trust me, we did this with all of our kids. Dr. Kevin Leman: And by the way, I taught four of our five kids to drive. By the time the fifth one came around, I went a Mr. B’s Driving School, or something to that effect, and they did a great job, and it saved me a lot of stress, let’s put it that way. If you’ve taught kids to drive, you’d know what I’m talking about. Oh my goodness, we have some stories in the Lehman family about that wonderful adventure. Dr. Kevin Leman: But the point is, you give the keys to the car to a kid when you could really honestly look yourself in the mirror, and say, “You know, I really trust this son. I really trust this daughter. They’ve got good judgment.” And of course, you do have to make sure they’re ready to take the wheel of that car by themselves. And obviously, there’s a lot of time and hours spent with supervision before you turn those kids loose. Dr. Kevin Leman: You know, I’m well past Social Security age now, and I still remember what my father told me. “Never make a left-hand turn until you can see the complete lane.” To this day, I have never, ever taken a left hand turn without seeing that clear lane. That’s how you stay out of terrible accidents, isn’t it? So we all need guidance from our parents. Hey, give your kids guidance. But do you really trust them? Are they really responsible? Those are the questions only you can answer. Doug Terpening: So Dr. Lehman, coming back to Joe and Mary, one doubt that might be in Joe’s mind is, you know, this is a 20 year problem. Will reading a book versus going to a shrink or some other drastic measure, will a book really help that marriage? Dr. Kevin Leman: Yeah. Here’s what I would suggest to you, Joe and Mary. I’d get two copies of the book in hand. Okay? Again, they’re very reasonably priced, and I’d highlight them with different colored markers. So pick a yellow, or a pink, or whatever you want, highlight the parts that really speak to you. And then, do the creditable thing, do the honest thing, do the right thing. And just give your book that you read to your husband, and write a little love note in it. I know you’ve been at war for 20 years, okay, but right in the front part of the book, there’s room there, a couple of blank pages, a little love note to your mate, and exchange those books. And then, pay particular attention to what Joe and Mary have underscored in that book, because those are the sore points, and that gives you a starting point where you can sit down and address in a civil manner. Dr. Kevin Leman: Okay, now fighting is your go-to, so in other words, the paradigm is, you get to speak for, let’s say two minutes. Then your mate gets to parrot back what they thought they heard you say. If they didn’t hear it right, then you get 30 seconds just to rephrase it or clarify it, and go back and forth like that. And follow those limits, those minutes, and those second limits, because if you don’t, you’ll end up in a big old brouhaha again. Dr. Kevin Leman: If you have to bring in a timer, bring in a timer. Almost all cell phones have timers, I believe. But make it a priority. If you do, and this isn’t easy, this is gut wrenching, because you’re going to have to face the ugly person you are in many aspects of your life, that’s not easy to do. Nobody likes doing that. But just like the dentist, if you don’t remove that plaque, down the road you’re going to have more than major problems facing you. So I wish you the best. Andrea: So Dr. Lehman, just hypothetically, thinking this through, what do you do when you just feel so justified by your belief, and probably your mate does, feels just as justified in their stance? Dr. Kevin Leman: You feel justified because your offense is your defense. You don’t want to look inside, you don’t want to owe up to your part. Like I say, fighting’s an actually of cooperation. So the person who is just hardened, that, I can’t get by what you’ve done to me, kind of thing, that’s saying really loud and clear that I admit that I am not part of this whatsoever. It’s your fault Joe. It’s your fault Mary. So if you do that, you’ve just wasted a lot of time, and money, and effort, you haven’t gotten anywhere, and you’re not going to get anywhere. You have to humble yourself. Doug Terpening: How do you get to the point where you really can see that, I might possibly be wrong here, like, what triggers that? Dr. Kevin Leman: I think an over-zealousness about self, and how important you are. And I’ve often told people, take a globe, you don’t see globes very often, any more. Physical globes you can hold in your hand. They look probably twice the size of a basketball, and hold it in your hands, and try to find the United States, or Canada, or Australia, or South Africa, or wherever you live. Try to find it on a globe. Okay, now you found the country. Now see if you can find the city that you live in. Dr. Kevin Leman: On a globe, you probably won’t find it unless it’s a huge city. Well, point to the area with your finger. Take a pen and try to make a little tiny dot on that globe to signify where your hometown is. And realize, the very small part of this world that you and I are. And as you hold that globe in your hand, realize there’s one who spoke that world into existence. That Earth that we live on is suspended in thin air. Wow! What an awesome God to create that. Dr. Kevin Leman: Now maybe you don’t believe in God. If you don’t, I don’t know what to tell you. Go get a copy of Oprah’s magazine and enjoy it. But if you’re a person of faith, you have to realize that God is who he says he was, and is, and with God’s help, all things are what? Possible. So again, I think there’s a spiritual battle, Joe and Mary, that’s going on in your life, and unless you acknowledge that and submit to his awesome authority, you’re not going to get anyplace. Dr. Kevin Leman: So continue living your miserable life, and watch your kids pay for that miserable life that you’ve lived in front of them. That’s a sad commentary, isn’t it? Only you can do something about this. Smokey the Bear says, “Only you can prevent forest fires.” Yeah, only you and lightening, but you get the point. Doug Terpening: Well, thank you Dr. Leman, for that. Well, hopefully Joe and Mary gained something from this episode that they can use and apply. And thank you for writing the book, Intimate Connections, to give people hope that there can be a difference. And I love the idea of the two highlighters to help others understand each other again. And hypothetically, if Joe were around he would probably say, “You know what? The reminder is, that if I know that in the parenting side, if I invest in the books and the effort, it pays off, and it’s worth it.” Dr. Kevin Leman: I’ve got another thought. I wonder how many people are going to have discussion about, “Hey, did you hear the Lehman podcast? Did you hear about Joe and Mary? I wonder if that’s Ron and Charlene?” I wonder how many people are going to think, “I think I know who that,” because there’s lots of Joe’s and Mary’s in the world. Trust me. Doug Terpening: Well, for all the Joe’s and Mary’s out there that are doing the best you can. The thing I realized, and Dr. Lehman, you attest to it, some day these kiddos are going to leave, I see that day fast approaching, and it’s just going to be you and the Mrs. So it’s worth it, because it’s just the two of you that are going to be having dinner together. So, thank you Dr. Lehman, a ton. Go get the book, Intimate Connections. You can get it on audio book, so as you’re driving to work you can listen to it. You can get it wherever books are sold, however you consume them, get it. And again, you will think Dr. Lehman a bazillion for it later. Doug Terpening: Well, that’s it for today, and as always, we’d love for you to pass on news, if you hear something that you think would bless somebody else, you can always go to however you share stuff, on Snapchat, or Instagram, or Facebook, and forward on the latest podcast, and say, “This might bless you.” You can always go to birthorderguy.com to get more resources and insights as well. Doug Terpening: Well, we love being with you and adding to your parenting toolbox, and we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug Terpening: Take care. Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! When your 9 year old calls you a bad mom, how do you handle it? Learn what Dr. Leman has to say about powerful children in today’s episode. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Does your kid call you a bad mom every day? How do you deal with verbal attacks from your children? That’s the question that we get to ask Dr. Leman, and get you that answer. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so fantabulously glad that you are with us today. And I just want to let you know that if this is your first time with us, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: So on today’s episode we get to do one of my favorite things, which is answer your audio question that you leave. And if you’re wondering, “Hey, I want to leave an audio question,” you can do that by going to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion to leave your very own question. Let’s get in today’s episode and hear what Kathy has to say. Kathy: Hello Dr. Leman. My question is, I have a nine-year-old who has some very ingrained, set behavior patterns. My husband and I divorced two years ago and he’s been very angry about that. And he gives me a very hard time and tells me that I’m not a good mom pretty much every day. I’m a Christian and I’m constantly working on bettering myself. However, reading your book and even applying your tools just never seems to fully get his behavior to change and turn around. And I don’t know what else to do. The main issue is that he is very unkind to his younger sister. He’s nine and his sister is six. And I tell them that that is not allowed in our home, and there’s consequences given, but … He’s gotten better. However, he still does it all the time. And then he accuses me of being mean to him because I’m parenting him, and it just gets this vicious cycle, and it’s very exhausting. Dr. Leman: Yeah, well it is exhausting. They wear you down. Well, there’s so many things going on here. First of all, he’s nine years old. Okay? And the divorce two years ago, and he’s bitter and angry about it. I mean, you have to understand what’s happened to him. You took his world and you shattered it when you guys divorced. He was just seven years old. And I realize there’s reasons for divorce. I don’t want to make you feel worse by saying what I just said. But you have to understand the reality from behind his eyes. Life has hurt him. It sucker punched him right in the stomach. So if I feel hurt by life as a 7-year-old, how do I behave toward other people? And of course you always hurt. This is the name of a song. you always hurt what? The ones you love. Dr. Leman: And so he is striking out. He is saying behaviorally, “I am so angry that you two couldn’t keep your act together and give our family a solid foundation.” He’s angry about it, and you’re available, so your number one target. Guess who number two target is? Six-year-old sister. So he rips on her. You have to get good, Kathy, at verbalizing what you think your son feels behind his eyes. And in fact, this might help with the six-year-old. You can pull him aside and have a talk along the lines of, you know, “I’ve noticed something about your sister. She’s really sort of a pain, isn’t she? I can see she does things that upset you and sometimes there’s little things that maybe she does do that I don’t even see. And then I think I get mad at you because you’re older than she is.” Dr. Leman: If you talk to your nine-year-old like that, he’s going to start figuring out, “Wait a minute. Mom’s a little smarter than I’ve given her credit for, here.” But you can, and I think you said you can’t implement some of these things. You can. You can do this. You need to be in authority. But what you have to understand is this little enemy of yours who you love with all your heart … I say the enemy because right now he’s hurting and he’s striking out. He knows how to punch your buttons. He knows how to punch your guilty buttons. And so you say there’s consequences. Well, I’m wondering what kind of consequences. Next time he tells you that you’re a lousy mom, I would simply say to him, “Excuse me, I want to make sure I understood what you just said. You said, I’m a lousy mom? A bad mom?” Just clarify it. Okay? Give him a look, that, “I get it.” Okay? And count the seconds or minutes before that nine-year-old wants something. Whether it’s, “Mommy, would you tuck me in now?” Dr. Leman: “Dr. Leman, you’re not going to tell me not to tuck my kid in, I hope.” Yes, I just did. You need to show that you’re a human being; that you’re worthy of respect as a woman and as a mom. And he can find someone who’s not a lousy person, who’s not a bad mom to tuck them in at night. You say, “Well, there’s only my six-year-old and a dog here.” Well, those are your choices. Dr. Leman: In other words, you have to play hardball. This is a powerful kid. Number one, he’s developed … He’s gone from attention getting to powerful. In fact, there is obviously some hurt feelings on his part, and so he’s striking back. Dr. Leman: And so you can do this, Kathy. You can be firm. And what happens is, the guilt overwhelms you and even some of the things that I brought up in my response today is making you feel guilty, about what I said about divorce. Dr. Leman: Well, I got news for you. Divorce hurts everybody. It rarely solves a problem. But you have to deal with what it is, and I don’t know all the circumstances of … If he was abusive to you in any way, I’d be the first to say, “Kathy, you need to get a divorce. You need to get out of there.” So I’m not anti-divorce completely, but divorce usually doesn’t solve things. Dr. Leman: But when you draw a line with this nine-year-old, he’s going to see you mean business. And your stock, so to speak, is going to go up in his eyes when you stop doing the things you do for him every day. For example, do pack a lunch for him? If you do, why don’t you stop? “Mom, where’s my lunch?” “I didn’t feel like making a lunch today.” “Mom, I need something to eat.” “Well, honey, the school bus is going to be here in seven minutes. So you better grab something and put it in a bag.” That’ll rock him. He won’t know what hit him. At least you get to a point where you can talk. Andrea: So Dr. Leman, I’m wondering, is she supposed to … The first thing that he requests after he tells her that she’s a lousy mom, that’s when she’s supposed to start this, “I’m not doing that”? So say he says, “You’re a lousy mom,” and it’s right before bedtime. And then he says, “Who’s tucking me in? Are you going to tuck me in?” Dr. Leman: Yeah. “I don’t feel like tucking you in.” Andrea: So not just out of the blue. Dr. Leman: Let me ask you a question, Andrea. Was, “You’re a lousy mom,” out of the blue? Andrea: I guess it was, yeah. Dr. Leman: Yeah, right. So you respond in kind. [crosstalk] play on words. Andrea: So just as soon as she hears this podcast, first thing she sees him, she just starts … Dr. Leman: Well, here’s the question. Okay? We’re on live TV right now. We’re doing a talk show. And Kathy says, “Well, Dr. Leman, I don’t know if I can do that.” And I’d come back with, “Kathy, well let me ask you a question. How are things working out for you right now?” And she says, “What? Well that’s why I’m here. I need some help.” Well, then you have to listen to the help. He’s a powerful kid, so he won’t like it when you’re powerful back; when you’re decisive back with him. But he will respect it, and he’ll figure out real quickly, “You know what? I need my mommy, and what I said was wrong.” Dr. Leman: And so it gets you to a point where you can at least talk turkey. I mean, as Helen Reddy said years ago, “It’s you and me against the world.” And there she is now, a single mom with two little kids, and I’m assuming she’s working for a living and trying to do all those things single moms do at once, which is near impossible to pull off. Hard enough to do it when you got a help mate. But I’m just saying, you got to cut to the chase and you need to get to a place where we either have a relationship, honey, or not. Doug: So Dr. Leman, what I think a lot of moms are asking themselves is this: If I don’t talk my kid in, or if I say no, what is it going to do- Andrea: Is it going to be worse? Is he just going to blow up? Dr. Leman: Well, is it better to slow leak the relationship to death, or have a blowout? That’s one question I would ask our listeners. I think it’s better to have a blowout. But here’s what you have to understand. Guilt … And I’ll bet you guys can recite this, because I’ve said it so many times. Guilt is the propellant for most of the lousy decisions you make as a parent. And women tend to be the guilt gatherers of life. Men don’t gather guilt in great amounts. It’s the women who are the guilt gatherers. So this little guy has figured out ways of making you cringe inside; to make you buckle; to make you not follow through, which isn’t good for your family, Kathy. Dr. Leman: So you know, if you feel like I’ve been beating you up on the podcast today, I want you to know that if that’s your perception, I’m beating you up out of love because you need to change your behavior and no one but you can change your behavior, Kathy. No one. And so this is a tough decision on your part. Andrea: So what’s he going to do when she pulls this out the first time? I know you’ve talked before about the fish out of water idea. Is that what she’ll be experiencing? Dr. Leman: Yeah. He’s going to have a meltdown. He might throw a giant temper tantrum. I mean, go to your bedroom, lock the door, go to sleep, turn the music on, whatever it takes. If you engage in battle, you’re telling him that his tactics are working and it’s going to do nothing but get worse and continue. Doug: Well, Kathy, I really hope this helps you a lot and all the other moms that are out there listening. And again, I can’t say it enough, go get the book Parenting Your Powerful Child by Dr. Kevin Leman. I’m just telling you, read this book. It will give you the confidence so … You can hear these words, and I bet you in your mind you’re like, “I want to do this,” but in your heart you don’t have it yet. Read that book so that it’ll help get it from your head to your heart so that you really can have the freedom to have the relationship you want with this kid. And I’m just telling you, it works. I’m telling you. Dr. Leman, one of his favorite phrases is step over the child, not on the child. We’ve done it and it works. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Let me say one other thing to you, Kathy. Our sweet Andrea would love to send you a teddy bear of, a bouquet of flowers, and a day trip to the local spa. I know this woman’s heart, and right now, in her heart, she’s praying for you. Okay? Andrea: Really, we’re not all here to beat you up. Dr. Leman: Yeah, she’s not the tougher side of the terpenes. Let it go at that. Andrea: How do you know that, Dr. Leman? Dr. Leman: I love you. You know that, but I do know you. Doug: Well, Kathy, Andrea’s got that teddy bear and flowers coming, and to the rest of you, we love answering your questions so much, and we’d love helping you. So one of the ways you can do that is you can subscribe to the podcast so it comes to you, and you can also go to birthorderguy.com to get more resources, or you can leave your own question there. So go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestions and leave it there. Doug: Well, we love being with you and we’d love adding to your parenting toolbox so you can love those kids more and more and more. We look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Bye-bye.

Moms, do you feel like you wash the clothes, feed the family, do all the chores and hardly receive a word of appreciation? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman stresses the importance of appreciating moms in the household and a mother can be proactive to get the appreciation she deserves. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– Jun 18 – 24: Why Your Best Is Good Enough ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: On today’s episode of Have a New Kid, with Dr. Kevin Leman, do you feel like you do everything and nobody cares? Andrea: Yeah. Doug: Do you feel like you wash the clothes, feed the family, vacuum, go to work, come home. Andrea: And they just bring the mess back? Doug: Yes, and nobody ever appreciates you. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman. How do I deal with that feeling? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I am Andrea. Doug: Obviously you feel very personal about this Andrea. If this happens to be your first time with us, we’re so glad that you are here. Just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local parishioner for help. Andrea, you are the resident mom here between the two of us. Andrea: Yes. Doug: Do you ever feel underappreciated? Andrea: You know, work just keeps coming back. You wash the dishes, you vacuum, you wash the laundry, you clean the toilet, and it just gets dirty again. I think that because it’s just the regular routine things of life, nobody really seems to recognize it and sometimes it’s hard to get people to chip in and help. Doug: Dr. Leman, how do we help these moms and dads, I guess, who say, “I just never, ever, feel appreciated. Nobody ever cares that what I do.” How can we help those parents? Dr. Leman: Well, I think I can be of help on this one, but I have to, in all truthfulness, share something with you. Andrea: Oh. Dr. Leman: Let’s see. I’m trying to think how many years ago that was. Probably, gosh, probably goes back about 30 years of my life, but we had at the time three children. One day my wife decided, I think she was very frustrated, and some of the things that Andrea just said were probably pertinent in my wife’s life at that point. She was so frustrated one day that she took a banana peel, and she laid it on the floor in the hallway that enters into our kitchen area. Dr. Leman: She said she sat and had a cup of coffee as the three kids came out one at a time, each of them pausing looking at the banana peel on the floor, and proceeded right past it. But what gives me great grief this morning as I revisit that thought in my memory bank is this, she said, “But you, you not only stopped and stared at it, you kicked it to the side.” Dr. Leman: You know folks, I’m just telling you, I’ve been there. I wasn’t always as smart as I might appear on some of these podcasts. I was dumb as a rock. You know, it is so easy to take someone, especially if that someone is that pleaser personality, that one that says, “Can’t we all just get along? Can’t we all just be happy? What are you possibly complaining about? Can’t you just keep your hands to yourself? Do you always have to be picking on your sister or your brother?” Dr. Leman: If you’re that personality, you can probably relate to what Andrea has said, or what I have said just a few moments ago. No one gives moms, especially stay at home moms, respect, in the truest sense of the word in our society. Dr. Leman: Imagine two women talking, and they haven’t seen each other for ages. Maybe they went to college or high school together and they meet in a grocery store, and a simple exchange of a, “Well, what are you doing?” “Oh, well I’m assistant director of finance, down at the loan company, and what do you do?” “Well, I’m home with my children.” “Oh, oh. Looks like it’s going to cloud up and rain today.” All of a sudden, the conversation gets switched. It’s like my condolences, you’re down there, you’re a stay at home mom. Dr. Leman: I would appeal to every man that’s listening, okay. Whether your wife is in a work place in the home, or the work place out of the home, now, notice how I’m saying that. Those are both work places. They need your respect and appreciation for the femininity that is brought to your family. Just like kids need masculinity in their life, they need femininity in their life. There has to be a good dosage of both. Dr. Leman: The smart husband will begin to take note of his bride. For example, tonight at dinner, what normally happens in your home? Who serves what? Who gets up from her chair more than anybody else at the dinner table? I’ll tell you who it is, it’s mom. Next time mom starts to get up, gentlemen, what I’m asking you to do is say, “Honey, stay seated, I’ll get that.” Dr. Leman: In other words, here’s a great opportunity to value, to show an action, how much you appreciate this woman who contributes so much, not only to your life gentlemen, but to your kids lives. Again, I’m putting this on you men. When you see or hear your daughter or your son be disrespectful to your bride, to their mom, I want you to step up to the plate. Man up, and set that kid straight, that you do not talk to your mom like that for any reason, at any time. You follow through with a discipline. I always say, “Let the reality of the situation become the teacher to the child,” so that kid has to pay for that, emotionally. He’s got to feel the brunt of your dislike for what happened. Dr. Leman: For you moms who are just so frustrated that you don’t know what to do, and maybe you in your mind think you’ve tried everything, have you tried going on strike? It’d be a great idea. What would happen in your home ladies, if just for seven days you did nothing? Andrea: Seven days? Dr. Leman: Imagine what would happen. What I’m saying is you don’t do laundry, you don’t make a bed, you do nothing. You don’t cook a meal, you don’t make a lunch for a kid, you don’t drive them anywhere, you don’t do anything. Andrea: Do you recommend this? Dr. Leman: Oh I think in situations where you really feel like you’re just being dissed, yes, because I think it puts the onus on everybody to understand the huge job that a mom does in a home every day. I think sometimes you have to go on strike. Andrea: I was going to ask you about, I remember you talking about maybe mom just saying, “I’m not making dinner and getting in the car and driving away during dinner,” but seven days, that’s a long time to … Doug: Andrea, could you even do three days? Dr. Leman: What would happen to you if you did exactly what the good Dr. Leman said to do, and after three days, Doug and your four children were surrounding you saying, “Mom, whatever you’re doing, stop. We’re sorry for whatever we did.” I mean, you’d come back. You’d come back at three days or two days, but I’m saying, give them a dose of reality discipline. “I’m not the slave dog, I’m not the maid in this home, I’m your mom, I’m your wife.” Andrea: Yeah, I like that how you say, “Maid or mom, or … ” Doug: Is this a hotel, or a home? Andrea: A hotel or a home? Right. Doug: Andrea, could you go for three days and do nothing around the house? Andrea: Probably if I was not here physically. Like if I went away for three days, but to be here and to see the stuff piling up and to see the mess, that would be difficult. Doug: Oh, but still then, we’re not going to appreciate her, are we Dr. Leman, if she’s always jumping in to fix things? Dr. Leman: No, you’d have to live with the clutter. Don’t go to a hotel, that’s too expensive. Most families couldn’t do that. But if you put a smile underneath your face so to speak, smile in your heart, okay? Andrea: Uh-huh (affirmative). Dr. Leman: You can look like an old grump as you’re stepping over laundry and shoes left in the doorway and all kinds of things. Do what I did to that banana, kick it to the side. Keep walking. Doug: Dr. Leman, here’s the sad reality, so I’m going to look more like a jerk. In three days, I would probably maybe notice, maybe not notice, right? Andrea: Really? Doug: Yeah, really. Andrea: Like the dishes piled up around the sink? Doug: It doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t. Now if it were five days, I would then notice it. You’re right Dr. Leman, she has to be a long time. Andrea: Because you’d be like, “I can’t find a bowl to eat out of.” Doug: All the cereal would be gone, all the milk would be gone, now I’d have to do something. Dr. Leman: Andrea, you married a slow learner. I can’t help that, that was your choice. Doug: I think there’s some fun in this. I always say, “If it’s not fun, I don’t want to do it.” Andrea: I’d have to plan and get some good books to read, and make a plan with my girlfriends to go on a hike one day, so that … just really just kind of do what I want to do. Dr. Leman: Listen, I’ve said many times, for kids who come home and both parents are not home, okay? They’re both working. Many families have rules like 13 year old and 14 year old are going to get dinner ready. There’s rules, take out the chicken, do this, do that, and nothing is done and mom comes home. I’ve always said that, “Mom, when the kids have failed to do what they’re supposed to do, don’t jump in and do it for them, go make yourself a cup of tea, turn on TV, put your nose in a book, whatever is your pleasure. Dr. Leman: When the kids come in and they’re all starving and your husband’s starving as well, and they say, “When are we going to eat?” Say, “Honey, I’ll be more than happy to start dinner when you guys are finished what you were supposed to do and the kitchen is cleaned, then I’ll start dinner. If it’s at 9:00, it’s at 9:00.” Or, mom gets in the car, goes to Denny’s, buys one of those expensive Grand Slams, enjoys her dinner in solitude and comes home, and goes to bed. I’m telling you, if she did that, that husband’s going to feel guilty and so are those kids. Dr. Leman: That’s good guilt to put on husband and kids, because again, if you don’t take a stand for yourself, nobody’s going to stand for you. Andrea: Is there an underlying belief that this mom has that she has to do all this and then she has to feel appreciated? Is there something deeper going on here for this mom? Dr. Leman: I think she just deserves respect. She knows that she’s not getting it, and she feels used. Who likes feeling used? Andrea: Yeah, nobody. Dr. Leman: It’s just simple courtesy. But see, if mom is always there to do it, you know the old saying, “You don’t miss the water until the well runs dry,” how true is that statement? Doug: Well, I know you’re crazy Dr. Leman, and half the things you say, I think, “This guy’s nuts,” right? But Andrea and the kids all went to a tournament, they’re in a speech and debate club, so they were gone for four or five days. As soon as Andrea walked in the door, I mobbed her with appreciation, because it’s like, “Do you know how much you do around here every day? So you’re right, if mom went on strike for five days … I remember, right? Andrea: And you were home alone. Doug: I was home alone, right? I didn’t even have to take care of all the kids and all that, you’re right. If she did, that husband would wake up to it. Dr. Leman: Mrs. Uppington, God bless Mrs. Uppington. She’s still sleeping by the way, she’ll be up about 10:30. She went to Chicago to help our daughter who has little three year old twins, okay. She left for 10 days. I wish you had a video camera and you could just film what my family room looked like. I had a bathrobe over a chair, a couple of pairs of shorts, socks on the floor, flippers, tennis shoes, had a lot of work on a coffee table, I was working on a book project. It looked like a barnyard to put it bluntly. Dr. Leman: Now, we have conversations at night, “Honey, how was your day?” “Oh honey, my day was fine, had a good day.” We fill each other in. I never tell her that I’m in a man cave, but the night before she comes home, I’m telling you, I live like a slob. I had dirty dishes, I got a pie tin, I ate a whole pie that week. It was terrible, it was disgusting. I’m glad no one came over to the house, I’d be embarrassed. Dr. Leman: But the night before, I go Uh-oh, she’s coming back. I’m really smart enough to clean up the dishes and wipe the counter tops off, she loves clean countertops. My goodness, she’s got an obsession with clean countertops. I put everything away, hung stuff up and took the garbage out, and did all those little manly things I do normally, and she walks in and I’ll never forget, she said, “Oh honey, geeze, the house looks great.” I … “Oh yeah, I try to keep up with it honey.” Doug: That’s [inaudible 00:12:51]. Dr. Leman: It is what it is, you know. Doug: It is what it is, what it is. Well, I have one more question but I’m going to forget to give you the eBook special, so I better do it now. The eBook special this week is, Why Your Best is Good Enough. June 18 to 24 of 2019 for $1.99. Dr. Leman, Why Your Best is Good Enough, what is this book about? Dr. Leman: That book is an outgrowth of the Birth Order book. You’ve heard me talk about people who are procrastinators, the people who live in piles, the people who run late for things. If you’re one of those people who feel like you don’t measure up, you don’t jump high enough, you’re never doing things right enough, wow, is this a book for you. I get so many wonderful comments about this little book, Why Your Best is Good Enough. Dr. Leman: If you’re one of those people who like to should on yourself, or should on other people, and if you have an honest talk with yourself, you’re sort of disappointed in who you are, this is a book for you to read. Well worth $1.99. My goodness, there’s a bargain for you. Doug: Awesome. Get it now, June 18 to 24. Now, straight talk with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know, I get asked a lot, “How do I help my kids get good friends?” Well, number one, you don’t pick their friends for them, but you have to be smart. You have to play live smart. Hey parents, you see a young man, or a young woman, who at first glance you take a look at and say, “Hmm, that seems like a nice young man, that seems like a nice young woman.” What do you do? Do you nudge your son or daughter and say, “Hey, check that young lady out,” or “Check this guy out. This looks like that might be a good friend for you.” No, that’s not what you do. But you engage that person. You find a way to engage them. Dr. Leman: Now yes, your son or daughter might be sitting there with their hands in their pocket, whatever, wondering what mom is possibly up to, but again, the whole idea is to give opportunity to your son or daughter to bring people where? Into your home. We talk about finding good friends for your kids, you got to ask yourself the question, “How friendly is our home to strangers? To new kids, associates that our kids run into? Dr. Leman: I think when kids feel like they have the freedom and support of parents to bring a friend into the home, you’re on second base. That is what it’s all about. It’s trying to create a situation where your kids feel like whoever their friends are, they’re welcome in your home. I’ve been asked this enough times, “How do I find good friends? I’m concerned about some of the kids my kid is running with.” Invite them into your home. Dr. Leman: You’re going bowling, or you’re going out for a pizza, you say to your son or daughter, “Hey, do you want to invite so and so to go with us? I think the budget can tolerate one more mouth to feed, or one more set of bowling games, or whatever it might be.” Find a way to engage. Bring those kids into your home. Even the kids you don’t like, because that way, you don’t get into a power struggle with your kid. Believe it, they pick up the vibes that you don’t care for one kid or another. But have them around. Dr. Leman: Sooner or later, those true spots on that kid, and you might be very right, this kid may not be a great match for your son or daughter, but over a test of time if they’re in your home, those true spots will be revealed to who? To your son or your daughter. The lesson is, make sure your home has an open door. Doug: Dr. Leman, is there anything, going back to Andrea’s original question, or question she asked a little bit ago, is there anything for this mom to feel in her own heart, more appreciated? Even if others aren’t able to acknowledge it to her. Is there anything she can do? Dr. Leman: No. I’m going to answer that, no. Unless she does something. She’s got to do some things to increase her stock. It’s action, not words on her part. She’s got to start acting differently, that’s the key. Once she starts acting differently, she literally forces the hand for the people around her who love her to act differently. They’re going to act more positively, and then she’s going to end up feeling better about herself. Doug: I may not be the sharpest one on this podcast. I think we’ve affirmed that. Dr. Leman: We’ve affirmed that several times Doug- Doug: Yeah, thank you, thank you. Dr. Leman: … but I don’t want to bring it up unnecessarily. Doug: Loves and kisses to you too. I can be totally [inaudible 00:17:20]. We’ve been married 21 years, and I think it was only like two, maybe three years ago when Andrea finally sat me down and said, “You don’t appreciate me for when I clean all the blah, and do this, and do this.” She said it nicely, you know how Andrea would be, but she said, “I just need to hear and in cards, every now and then, that you appreciate all the work I do around this house.” Doug: We’ve been married 18, 19 years. Is it helpful for wives to sit down and someone that’s as dumb as mud as me, tell them, “I need to hear the words, or see a card that you appreciate that I cook- ” Dr. Leman: Yes, yes. That’s the vitamin E. It’s not fun being a mom in a home. They come home, notice the term, they. They come home and all of a sudden, what you’ve worked on, especially if you have the young little kids, oh my goodness. I mean, you can pick up a family room how many times during a day and some parents do it just because they have some OCD in themselves. Dr. Leman: Many parents say, I’m just going to leave this looking like a barnyard, and 15 minutes before my husband comes home, I’m going to give it a final clean up. [inaudible] ahead that way. It’s a thankless job in many ways. It just keeps coming back, and coming back, and coming back. Everybody has to pitch in. No one member of the family, here it is, is more important than the what? The family, so everybody contributes. That’s why kids have chores in homes, among other reasons. Doug: So again, I’m dumb as mut, so I’ll ask this other question. If I get in trouble by the two of you, it’s all right, I’m always there. Andrea: I’m ready. Doug: Is, if she sits the husband down and says, “Husband, I feel that I need some words of, that you would say, thank you for doing the food and washing the clothes, and everything you do, shopping, and it makes me feel really ooey gooey inside and makes me want to go to bed early with you.” Is that appropriate kinds of things to say, or not? Dr. Leman: Sure. I think the point is you want to communicate to your bride, “Honey, I appreciate all the things you do in this family.” Just recognize in the day to day minutia and the fact that you appreciate her for her attitude for the servant leadership that she shows in the home, and again, when I say servant leadership, I know some people’s ears go up, but hey, husbands, you engage in servant leadership too. You serve each other. Dr. Leman: The commandment is to come together and have oneness in your relationship. For the good of not only your marriage, but your kids. The kids need to be a part of that as well. This isn’t rocket science folks, you can handle this. Doug: It makes me think back to the book that just launched a couple of months ago, Intimate Connection, that to be able to have that conversation even, you probably need to make sure that you have that connection, to be able to have that connection. Dr. Leman: Yeah. If there ever was a book to read, and you’re married, there’s two of them that you should read for sure. One of them is The Intimate Connection, the other is Sheet Music. Those are two books that are must reads for every married couple. Doug: Okay, I’m now, I’m down in rabbit hole that I should probably stop, but I do think that The Intimate Connection would be amazing as well as the mom going on strike. Those two things together would be awesome. Okay. Doug: Well, thank you, Dr. Leman for answering our question and it’s great to be with all of you. A quick reminder, the book is Why Your Best is Good Enough. June 18 to 24, 2019. Only $1.19 where eBooks are sold. As always, you can subscribe whether you’re on iTunes, or Stitcher, or Sound Cloud, or wherever you are to this podcast, and Facebook is a great way. If you know of a fellow parent who feels super unappreciated and unloved by her spouse or his spouse, this would be a great podcast to pass onto them, and tell them, “I think this would really bless you.” You’re free to do that. We won’t stop you. Doug: Well, it was great adding to your parenting toolbox, so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: We look forward to the next time. Bye. Andrea: Bye, bye.

Does your child behave at home, but become a nuisance at school? What do you do when the school calls and complains? Dr. Leman gives a straight-talk answer in today’s Ask Dr. Leman. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– Jun 11 – 17: Birth Order Book ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: On this episode of Have a New Kid with Dr Kevin Leman, we get your question about a nine year old, almost nine year old, who’s having a really hard time at school. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that the school keeps calling for behavioral problems. The mom thinks it’s low self esteem. What does Dr. Leman think? That’s the question we get to ask him today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time, just want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, before we jump into today’s episode, I thought since we’re talking about schools, are there any more Leman schools coming anywhere in the world? Dr. Leman: Oh yeah. We have six schools now. We have five in the state of Arizona and we have one in Colorado, in Parker, Colorado, just south of Denver. And the next school up will probably be again in Tucson, which is our home base. We bought property. We are going to open that in August of ’20. So here’s what happens. We just built a new school this year, just opened in August on the east side of Tucson. But we have over 300 people on a waiting list trying to get in, and so we’re going to add additional space in two of our local schools just because the waiting list is so long and people want in Leman. So it’s been gratifying to see the tremendous success. Dr. Leman: Our students, we call them scholars, they love being there and the teachers love teaching there and the parents are so grateful for the school. And these are free, these are public schools. And so we take what walks in the door. If they have a diagnosis of some special needs, whatever, we take them on, we do the best we can. We have a strong staff of people, professional people, and quite frankly, we’re knocking it out of the park. Doug: That’s awesome. And again, what are they called? What are the schools called? Dr. Leman: Leman Academy of Excellence. You can go online and Google us and follow along. You’ll see some interesting stuff on there. Our kids learn things by chance. We’re a classical school, like chance, like a sentence is a sentence. That almost sounds like a rap song, a sentence is a sentence. And it’s got five parts and little guys, little kinders, know the structure of a sentence. Second graders can diagram a sentence. We were doing that in high school. I walked into a third grade class the other day and a kid stood up and did the Preamble of the Constitution. So we teach kids to get up and talk and be comfortable talking with people. And of course, that’s one of the major fears that adults have. So anyway, I better shut up. I can go on and on about how wonderful the schools are, but I’m anxious to do today’s podcast. So let’s roll. Doug: Well, let’s get into it. And hear this mom’s question. Here we go. Alissa: Hi Kevin. My name is Alissa. I am from British Columbia, Canada and I have a son who is eight years old, turning nine. Name’s Jacob. So Jacob has always had a hard time in school. What we’ve come to realize now is that he is always searching for power and control in any environment or situation that he’s in. So of course every year we see it getting more challenging and we get just more phone calls home from the school, saying like he’s not listening or he’s being defiant. He won’t do what he’s told. He’s refusing to do his schoolwork. And my son’s extremely smart. And with all this power and control that he seems to have in this school, he has really low self esteem and confidence. He’s always comparing himself to others. He’s highly competitive, always wants to win. He can get quite aggressive. Alissa: In the home, we are definitely taking back the power and control. He sees us as authority figures now as his parents, which is really good. So we’ve had a lot of success in the home. We did get outside help for that, but now it’s just what to do with him at school? I am going to be homeschooling him next year. I believe that this is what God wants me to do to ground him and build him up, but I just wanted your opinion. Thank you so much. Bye. Dr. Leman: Wow, thanks Alissa for that challenging scenario with your nine year old. Let’s review a few things. You think he has low self esteem. He’s into power and control. He’s extremely smart and I would agree with you. He is extremely smart. He’s learned how to work you guys. And I’m glad to hear there’s progress on the home front. Now this is what always amazes me. The school calls and they say, “Well, he’s defiant. He’s not listening, he’s antagonizing other kids.” Or whatever it might be. What in the world are you going to do as a parent about your kid’s behavior in school? I mean, do you see the irony here? I mean he’s under their care all day long. So the school, and every school I’ve… If you’re a teacher, listen to what I’m saying. You have to be able to put authority in the classroom teacher’s hands. Dr. Leman: And most schools across the US and Canada. I mean, when I say most, I’m talking 99% of schools do not give teachers any authority in that classroom. So if a student is misbehaving in the class, and usually that means just interfering with the educational process of others, they’re removed from the scene. Just like my advice in Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours or Have a New Kid by Friday, remove the child from the scene. When there’s a scene, you’re feeding the child more power. You’ve already established he’s a powerful child, which means you guys as parents have been what? Powerful yourself. You’ve been authoritarian and now you’ve seen the light and you’re moving toward being the authoritative parent that you need to be. And results have already shown in your home. And I’m thankful for that. Dr. Leman: Now how do we teach the school to do that? So in a practical sense, the next time school calls you and tells you how bad your kid is, I’d like you to say something like, “Well, listen, thank you for keeping us apprised of the situation. I want you to know my husband and I have extreme faith in you guys at school to help this situation turn around. We wish you the very best. If we can help in any way, please, please just simply ask. We’ll do everything we can.” In other words, you’re putting the tennis ball of life, as I like to call it, back in the proper court. The school is very capable of disciplining that child. Dr. Leman: When I get a chance to do a PD, a professional development at our school, I will get up and talk about relational discipline. And what’s relational discipline? Is that writing the kid’s name on the board? No, it’s not doing anything like that. Is it putting a color card or a code up in front, which makes the kid know that he’s on probation for a few moments or maybe a day? No, it’s establishing a relationship with that kid where he understands that you’re in authority. Now, here’s the late breaking news, teachers. Your kids in the classroom actually would like to please you. Your job is to put yourself in authority without being authoritarian. So sometimes saying to a kid who’s misbehaving in class, “James, I am very disappointed with what’s going on here. I expect more of you, young man.” Just simply that statement with a look will usually correct a powerful child. Now sometimes, they’ll cross their arms across their chest and sorta sit down with a little attitude to show you that they’re still pretty tough. That’s part of the powerful child’s everyday behavior. Dr. Leman: But my point is you solve problems that are in the school, where? In the school. You solve problems in the home, where? In the home. Do school systems and teachers need help? They do, and we’ve become so permissive. We allow kids to rule. Just like in many homes, kids sure in the yardstick are in full control of these adults. Dr. Leman: One more thing, Alissa. You talk about low self esteem. Your son has low self esteem because we haven’t done a good job of giving him vitamin E, which is encouragement. You’ve tried praise and reward and punishment, and that doesn’t work. For a powerful child, in his mind he says, “Okay, I get it. Game on, you got the right to punish me? I got the right to punish you.” And I’m telling you, if I was a betting man I’d bet my nickel on that son. Because he’s gonna win. Because I’ve said many times, in a power struggle, parents, you lose. So you want to avoid the power struggle. Okay. What do you two experts from the great state of Oregon have to say on this one? Doug: My first question is, I love the idea of going to the teacher and saying, “Okay teacher, I’m going to put the tennis ball back in your court.” But haven’t we conditioned teachers to be afraid of how as an adult, I’m going to respond if they stand up to my kid in any way, shape or form? Are teachers really empowered, like you said? Dr. Leman: Oh, they’re not. They don’t know what to do. Doug: So by me saying, “Go ahead and do what you need to do with James. I’ll back you.” Will they really be able to do that or have I taken all the power away from them that they can’t even stand up to my son if I would give him the permission? Dr. Leman: Well the one thing you’ve done is you shut off the avenue that well, calling home isn’t going to help my situation here. That teacher’s going to draw the conclusion. “Wait a minute, I’m going to have to do something.” And I’m just telling you that we tie the hands of the teacher behind their back and then give them all this verbiage about how important they are and what an integral part of education that teacher is. Really? Then why don’t you give that teacher authority? Doug: So now this mom is bringing the kid home to homeschool. So now there’s no external authority to help her with her son’s defiance and power. Dr. Leman: Yeah, and I’m not so sure that’s a great idea. I’m glad you pointed that out Doug, because I forgot that part of it. You know, I don’t think removing that child from that situation is the best thing. I think in many ways that placates the powerful child. And I realize there’s progress on the home front, and I think that’s commendable. Dr. Leman: But I think you work with teacher and you sit down with teacher and say things like, “It seems to me that you’re the teacher and my perception is that little Michael really wants to please you. He gets frustrated because he’s so powerful. He feels like he has to win. And when he’s in a situation where he doesn’t feel like he’s going to win, why? Because he’s not prepared. He hasn’t done his homework, whatever. Then he resorts to just sheer power and crosses his arms emotionally and says, ‘I’m not going to do that.’ Well, okay, Michael, you’re not going to do that. I understand that. Well, listen, when we go out for recess, you’re going to have an opportunity. I’ve arranged with Mrs. Brown down the hallway. You’re going to sit in her classroom and do work while we’re out for recess.” Doug: Awesome. Would you ever encourage this parent to say, “Listen, he doesn’t do X, Y, and Z, feel free to call us and let us know. And when he comes home, we’ll back you up and he gets the bread and water treatment.” Would you ever do that? Dr. Leman: Well, you can do that, but I’ll tell you why I don’t love that idea, because it puts the onus back on the parent for behavior happening in school. And the school is fully capable of dealing with this. Listen, they have psychologists, they have resource officers, they have other teachers. If that school system can’t shape up a nine year old kid, there’s something wrong. Doug: But the key is me as the parent going to them and saying, “Hey, listen, I’m with you. You do what you have to do and don’t worry about me. You-” Dr. Leman: I support you. If you want to put them in in-school suspension, so be it. See, the powerful child needs an audience. Even a hermit needs a society to hermit from or it’d be no fun to be a hermit. And so when you take that away, when you take that away, the kid pretty soon says, “Hey, who am I fooling here?” I remember, I mean, I wasn’t a powerful kid, I was just a huge attention getter as a kid. But I remember as a senior in high school having a conversation with myself that went like this, “I’m dumber than mud. I’ve been entertaining my classmates now for years and all these guys are going off to college and off to university. What am I going to do? I can’t get a college to even look at me.” And I remember thinking I was stupid. Not stupid intellectually, although I didn’t really believe at that point I had many smarts, but I just wasn’t playing life smart. Dr. Leman: And this little nine year old will get it. But again, low self esteem, parents get hung up on that. Your kid needs to take pride in what he does. You need to encourage every step of progress he makes, but without praise, without reward. Just “Wow, that’s going to make you feel great inside, honey. I’m proud of your effort.” That kind of stuff. That’s liquid gold to a kid’s psyche and to his self esteem, if you want to use that term. Doug: Well, I want to follow up on that question about low self esteem because it was one I had. But before we do that, we have an ebook special from Baker Books that is unbelievable today. Like unbelievable. Like if you don’t take advantage of this- Dr. Leman: I don’t like the way you said that. What’s the special? Doug: I’m sorry. It is from June… I’m going to wait until the very end to tell you. June 11th to 18th for $2.99 on ebook, the Birth Order Book. Dr. Leman: What? Doug: I’m not lying. Dr. Leman: I want to say something I shouldn’t say. My publisher’s nuts. Why would you give that book away for $2.99? I don’t know. Somebody’s been smoking something up there. I don’t know. Anyway, listen. All right. Andrea: It’s a great book. Dr. Leman: Let me look at the positive side of this. Thousands of you who are listening to us right now, you’ve seen excerpts of my book in Good Housekeeping and Mademoiselle and every magazine there ever was. It has been talked about for years and you’ve heard about the birth order and you think it’s sort of an intriguing idea because you know that the first two in your family are night and day different. Okay, so I’m gonna settle down. I’m gonna take back all those bad words I said about my publisher. And I’m going to say listen, at $2.99, and you can download that sucker. $2.99? Do it today. In fact, tell your friends about it. That is a ganga. In Espanol, that’s a bargain and a half. Oh my goodness. $2.99 for the birth order book. And by the way, if you’re a business person, or you make a living with relationships, you’re in sales. Oh my goodness. Don’t pass up this opportunity to read the birth order book. Download it. $2.99, you can’t miss. Share it with your friends and your business associates. Doug: I know one of my favorite parts of our podcast segment, straight talk with Dr Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Listen carefully. The man who is saying what he is about to say is really not off his rocker. Just stay with me for a little bit, would you? Outside activities for kids are not good? Yes. You heard that right. Outside activities for kids. Now Leman, Leman, Leman. There you go again. What do you mean outside activities aren’t good for kids? My kid is in Little League. We love Little League. Okay, you got me. I give up. Both hands are skyward. So let’s go with limit outside activities for kids. And here’s the problem folks. If you have three children and each of them just has one outside activity, you’re going to go bonkers trying to keep up with them. You’re going to be shuttling kids from one activity to another and at whose expense? At your expense. And check this out. I think at their expense as well. Because you know, the more activity and the more people engaged in your kids’ lives when they’re young, dilutes the indelible imprint that you get a chance to give to your own kids. Dr. Leman: I think, quite frankly, some of us are addicted to our own adrenaline that our own body produces from rushing from event to event. I marvel at how young families make it today, when both of them are working and they have children. And you want to put activities on top of that? So again, for you parents who have little older kids, it’s time for discussion around the dinner table to say, “Hey, you know what? I think we all have a little bit too much on our plate. What can we do this next year, this next semester?” Any way you want to say it. This next month to limit things so that we have more time for ourselves, more time for each other and more time for our family. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I want to talk a little bit more about this low self esteem. And I just got to ask the honest question, which is probably horrible to say, is like does this kid really have low self esteem or is this an excuse to kind of let his bad behavior go for it? Dr. Leman: Yeah, it becomes an excuse. It’s thrown around way too loosely. A kid will have high esteem if he learns to do things by himself. Have you ever watched a two or three year old say to their parent, “No, I’ll do it. I’ll do it.” I mean, kids have a built in, I want to do it myself. And what happens is we hover over kids, we do far too many things for them. There is where you weaken a kid’s, if you want to call it self esteem. The kid figures out why should I even try? They do it so much better than I do. So respecting a kid’s efforts, whatever they may be, and not demanding perfection, not overreacting. Those are things that build a very healthy self concept, where a kid figures out I’m a capable human being, I can do. That’s what you want your kid to be telling themselves. I can do rather than I can’t do. Andrea: And those sound like the kinds of things that would not be built in if you have an authoritarian parent because the authoritarian parent is telling the kid how to do it. Is that right? Dr. Leman: Yes. Andrea: So by changing that parenting style, then hopefully that kid will begin to realize, oh, I can do this. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I got to ask, for Alyssa and then for our listeners. And I’m thinking about our listeners who have the reverse. At school they behave, but at home they don’t. For them, you would say read this book to help you the most. To kind of get that right frame of mind. Which one would it be? Dr. Leman: Again, yes. Keep in mind folks, you ought to see the same behavior in both places. Okay? Now we see the improvement in home because parents have made changes. We don’t see change in school. Well, you have to deduce that the problem lies in the school environment. And what I’ve said previously about not giving teachers authority in the classroom was what spawns these kind of problems. Doug: So what books should they be reading, though? Dr. Leman: They can’t go wrong with Have a New Kid by Friday and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. If you have a powerful child, which Alissa’s nine year old certainly is, I would add to that mix Parenting Your Powerful Child. I mean, those are great books. There is great insight. I mean, I get thousands of emails from parents in a year saying, “Wow, the light went on. I see what we’re doing now. Thank you so much.” And see, that involves purpose of behavior, which we’ve talked about. Parents don’t realize that every social behavior your child engages in serves a purpose in their life. It builds into their life theme. How they see life. It’s sort of their daily mantra of how they live. Every day living, in your home and in school or any other social situation. So parents, I’m not trying to hawk my book. I read the reviews on the book. They were very, very good. People like them. They’re practical. You chuckle along the way as you’ll learn. So take advantage of these books and especially these offerings. Like we’ve offered the Birth Order Book, at $2.99. I’m still having a hard time getting over that one. But boy, that’s a bargain. Doug: When I’m thinking about the book, Have a New Kid by Friday, especially for you Alissa, there are so many practical applications that if you’re gonna start homeschooling this kid, I would highly get that book because when you run into the different situations, you’re going to run into having him around 24/7, that book will be gold in the back half to you as well. At least that’s my opinion, but I’m not the expert or the author. But I am the opinion agent. Andrea: You’re a parent. Doug: I’m an opinionated one. So well, it was great to be with you. I want to remind everybody again, get the Birth Order Book for $2.99, June 11 to 18 of 2019 wherever eBooks are sold. It is one of Andrea’s favorite books. She absolutely loves it and we think you would too. And we look forward to the next time we get to be with you to help add to that parenting toolbox so that you can just love them kiddos more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye Bye.

Whether you are full-time or just on a few weekends, taking care of the grandchildren involves parenting. Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s advice on how to best take care of the grandkids when they are in your care. Learn more about Dr. Leman at BirthOrderGuy.com.   NEW: The Intimate Connection –Dr. Kevin Leman Amazon Barnes & Noble Christianbook.com   **Special Offer– May 4 – Jun 10: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Some day, we’ll all likely be grandparents. What do you do if your kids start dropping your kids off more and more and asking you to be their parent? Can you parent as a grandparent? Well, we need to know if you end up having to parent as a grandparent. That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Doug: Hi. I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, we just want to let you know this if for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, you just told us a really interesting story about someone who emailed you a question from a grandparent. It got me thinking. I think there’s probably more people that listen to this that either are having to parent as a grandparents, or someday were going to do it. What do we need to know if we get in this situation? Dr. Leman: Well, I’ll tell you, I think there’s an awful lot of grandparents out there, number one, who are rearing their grandchildren. There’s a lot of grandparents out there whose adult children are using their parents, the child’s grandparents, in a negative way, in a way that they expect the grandparents to drop everything they’re doing and to give safe harbor to their grandchildren. Now, we have four grandchildren. Quite frankly, we go to great lengths to be with them. Two of them live in Chicago, which is not exactly next door to Tucson, Arizona. Dr. Leman: In fact, my dear wife is flying up there in a week or so to be with our daughter, Hannah, and her husband, and those two little twins because both of them work and they’re like a lot of couples. We want to be helpful parents. Let’s face it, grandparents, you are mature. You’ve gone through life. You know a few things. By the time we get to the grandparent stage, we’re pretty steady and predictable, and again, a safe harbor. Dr. Leman: As I was telling you the other day, I got a question from a woman and I really felt so sad because the parent comes and drops off her daughter and leaves her there. I mean, leaves her there. She leaves her there. She doesn’t say, “I’ll be back tomorrow night.” She just leaves them and takes off. Grandparents never know when she’s going to come back. It can be two weeks later. It can be a week later. It could be three days later. Here’s a daughter who has absolutely no respect for her parents, and she uses those grandparents, their good will, good nature, and their love for their grandchild. You tell me, what would you do? I know what I told her to do, but I’d love to know what you guys would do if you’re the grandparents and you have a daughter, doesn’t have a husband, is single mom and she brings by this little granddaughter, drops her off and you never know when she’s going to come back. What would you do? Andrea: Oh, I’d be taking care of that grand baby, loving on it and just treating it like, “Well, you’re here now and as long as you’re here I’m mom, I guess.” Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. I think that’s how most people would respond, that, “This is my granddaughter and I love her and I want what’s best for her. Yes, we’ll take her to school. Yes, we’ll pack her lunches. Yes, we’ll give her money if she needs it,” and all those kind of things. Andrea: I’d probably even be considering adopting her. Dr. Leman: Well, I tell you, here’s what I shot back to grandma. I said, “You know what? This is a situation that doesn’t have a happy ending. The best thing you can possibly do is to start refusing taking your granddaughter until you reach an agreement with your daughter that you have guardianship of that nine year old.” This daughter is … God only knows what she’s doing. What she’s doing is not good. I can tell you that from the kind of things that the grandmother had shared with me. Again, parents, it’s a catch 22. You want to help your grandchild, but you best help your grandchild by getting guardianship of that nine year old. Now, that costs money. You have to have cooperation with your daughter. Whether your daughter caves in and gives it to you is up for grabs, but you can’t go through life just having somebody drop a youngster, someone you love, off at your house and not knowing where she is and when she’s going to be back. Dr. Leman: What if you guys have plans to go someplace and maybe see one of your other children, or one of you is still employed and have employment responsibilities. It’s a no win. As tough as that advice is for people, the best solution is to try to get guardianship. Once you have guardianship, then you can go ahead and you can really rear that nine year old as the parent. Then, mom has visiting rights, so to speak, for lack of a better term. She sees the kid’s mother, but you can imagine this child is just nine years old. What is she going to be like at 14? She needs somebody that’s going to really model stability and currently mom is just all over the place. Again, I’m very suspect that she’s a druggie and doing a lot of things that she shouldn’t be doing. Doug: If the grandparents refuse the daughter unless they get guardianship and the daughter refuses, what’s going to happen to that … my grandchild? Dr. Leman: See, this is where a situation like this we feel like we’re over the barrel. It’s just like the parent that writes in and says, “My son refuses to take his medication. It’s really important he takes his medication.” Well, the kid’s got you over the barrel. Kids and adults know when they have you over the barrel. They’ll work you. People aren’t for using. I know that. Is this easy to pull off? No. It’s not easy at all. Is it simple? No. It’s not simple either, Leman. This is difficult stuff, but you have to have a heart to heart with daughter. I mean, I’m suspect that the grandparents are also helping the daughter financially. They help her financially and she takes off on a two week binge someplace, hit and miss at work and all that. It’s a crisis in the making. I’ve awfully said, “I’d rather force a blowout than watch it slow leak itself to death.” These are tough questions. Most of your parents who are listening are saying, “Oh my goodness. I’m glad that’s not our situation.” It’s tough. Andrea: Is there any hope that by the grandparents standing up and saying to the daughter, “Well, you need to give us guardianship if we’re going to keep doing this,” that she might actually recognize what she’s doing and she just is waiting for somebody to hold her accountable and she might- Dr. Leman: She might. Andrea: Come out of this- Dr. Leman: She might. Andrea: Behavior? Dr. Leman: Again, permissiveness reigns in our society, and caving in and giving in. Very few people draw lines and says, “This is no longer manageable for us.” Imagine, grandparents living life and all of a sudden, without notice, there’s no phone call or anything, she just drops her off at the house and leaves. I mean just totally non-responsible behavior. You get the authorities involved, then there’s more problems down the line. I think this is something you want to try to solve as grandparents and cut a deal with your daughter for one specific reason, and that is you want to give that granddaughter, in this case, the best predictable, safe environment where she’s going to feel loved and she has some stability. Nine year olds need that, believe me. Doug: You know what I really appreciate about this example is, for me, you have used this phrase before, “I prefer a blowout than a slow leak, and people are not to be taken advantage of.” It’s like, “Yeah, I get it now.” If I’m ever being taken advantage of, I should force the issue instead of just limping along like this. In all of life, whether you’re a grandparent or not, that’s great. Doug: Well, before we finish, ’cause I have another question for grandparents here, I want to take this moment for all our podcast listeners, again, to tell you about the eBook special, thank from Baker Books, for you and you alone, a book by Dr. Leman called Born to Win for $1.99, June four to ten of 2019. Dr. Leman, I’m embarrassed to say so, I haven’t read Born to Win. I don’t know if I’ve even heard about it, which [crosstalk 00:08:37]- Andrea: I don’t know if I’ve heard of it either. Dr. Leman: Well- Doug: What is this one about? Dr. Leman: Who do you suppose is born to win? Take a guess. Doug: Andrea- Andrea: The baby- Doug: ‘Cause she’s sweet. Dr. Leman: Nope. Doug: The middle child, ’cause we’re both middle children. Dr. Leman: No. Andrea: The only child. Doug: No, no, ’cause we’re middle children. No? Dr. Leman: The firstborn. Doug: Ah. Andrea: We’re all born to win. Dr. Leman: The firstborn. They are born to win. Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: It’s all about firstborn children. If you’re a firstborn- Doug: So this is- Dr. Leman: Or if you have a firstborn, you might really enjoy reading Born to Win. Doug: It does help to get behind their eyeballs and understand it, doesn’t it? Born to Win, $1.99 June four to ten of 2019. Now, favorite part of the segment, Straight Talk with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know, you don’t have to walk very far to find a smart mouthed kid these days. You’ll find them in schools. You’ll find them on a playground. This is so difficult to say to you parents. You may even find them in your home. You know, kids today view themselves as social equals. They don’t really see authority in a proper manner. Parents, quite frankly, don’t act in authority. They tend to be permissive and then they swing to authoritarian. We’ll discuss that one at another time, but the point is is that these kids know where you are, how you operate. I’ll tell you, they can pull your chain. The question is, when your child is really smart mouth to you, ask yourself this question. What was the purpose of nature of that? Was it to show you that he or she is the boss, that they want to simply just dis your authority? Dr. Leman: It could be, but the point is, words hurt and you don’t have to just come back immediately. If you do, you engage in fighting. Remember, fighting is an act of what? Cooperation. After the hurtful words, go about your business. I’m telling you, I don’t care if your kid is six or 16, it’s going to be a very short period of time when they come to you and say, “Mommy, would you get me this?” Or, “Mom, can I go over to John’s house?” Maybe they’re driving the car. “Hey dad, can I take the car?” Well, a simply dosage of vitamin N will get your son or daughter’s attention. What does that mean? A simple, “No. I don’t feel like getting you anything right now.” “Honey, no, you can’t take the car.” Turn your back. Walk away. Dr. Leman: Now, again, do not engage in battle. You have gold in your back pocket, parents, okay? I call this parental poker. You have four aces in your back pocket as well. You don’t have to always play those cards, you just have to have the assurance that those cards are there. Quite frankly, your kid wouldn’t have underwear on right now if you didn’t buy it for him. Who’s kidding who? You are in full authority over your children. Dr. Leman: Now, here’s the fun part, I think. They’re going to dig. They’re going to say, “Mom, what’s wrong with you? You always let me go to John’s house. You always let me do this.” Let them really squirm and figure out that maybe what they said an hour and a half earlier was very inappropriate. Don’t tell them right off the bat. Again, let them sort of guess and figure it out. Finally, he or she will figure it out. “Oh, I’m sorry about what I said this morning.” “Well, honey, I’m glad you could say you’re sorry. That’s really important.” “Well, can I take the car now?” “No, but we’ll revisit that another day.” That’s Straight Talk from the good old Dr. Leman. I’m telling you, this stuff works. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Here’s my question. For the grandparents that are not in that dire of a situation but we do have the classic, “Truly the parents are super permissive and when they come over to my house, my grandparents just are out of control. I don’t agree with their parenting style. What do I do when I have them in my house for five hours or maybe overnight? What do I do with their unruly behavior?” Dr. Leman: Well the simple sentence is, “Honey, in our home we don’t do that,” works, whether it’s putting your feet on the furniture or whatever. Here’s the interesting thing that I’ve observed over the years, Doug and Andrea, that kids can go from one environment to another with a completely different set of rules and they adjust to it. Grandparents, don’t lower your expectations for your grandchildren. I would tell you, when the grandchildren come over, okay, have fun. Do a little thought about, “Hey, what could we do with … grandkids are coming over.” Maybe your kids have said, “Hey, we want to take off for a weekend. Would you take the kids for a weekend?” “Okay, we’d be glad to.” Dr. Leman: Well, rather than just sit around grandma and grandpa’s house, which a lot of grandparents are very comfortable in doing, plan a couple things. In fact, asking your grandchild’s opinion of, “Honey, would each of you give grandma and grandpa one idea of things you think might be fun for all of us to do this coming weekend? I know you’re coming over Friday night and you’re going to be here til Saturday late, so come up with a couple things and grandma … grandpa and I will talk about it and we’ll figure something out,” so that time with your grandchildren is meaningful and you can have a fun time together. Doug: The recommendation is make it fun when they do come over and keep your standards going, that they will adjust to being at your house with whatever standards- Dr. Leman: They will. Doug: You have. Dr. Leman: They will adjust to whatever your expectations are. Doug: When I think about when we have some of our nieces and nephews come over, they do adapt to our behavior. Andrea: Yeah. Doug: It is interesting. You’re right. Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. You might hear a frog in our background. We have a frog in our garage that we cannot find. If you hear something croaking- Dr. Leman: I love it. Doug: If you hear something croaking, it’s not Andrea. Andrea: No, it’s not. Doug: It’s actually a frog. Dr. Leman: Okay, people, Doug and Andrea are hillbillies. You remember the old hillbillies? The Beverly Hillbillies- Doug: Oh, come on- Dr. Leman: These are Oregon hillbillies. Doug: Come on. Dr. Leman: They got a frog in there. Doug: We can’t find it. We’ve been looking for like a week. Dr. Leman: You know why- Doug: It tells you how cluttered our garage is. Dr. Leman: You know what the frog said? He said, “Pardon me, I have a man in my throat.” Doug: Ah, well, we love, love, love answering these questions and helping you with your parenting toolbox. Born to Win is the new eBook for a buck ninety-nine, June four to ten of 2019. If you have a firstborn, highly recommend, highly, highly recommend it, as well as all the other Dr. Leman books that are out there. We can’t wait to be with you again and add to your parenting toolbox so you can just love them kiddos more and more, whether you’re a grandparent or a parent. Andrea: Have a great week with those grandkids. Doug: Yes. Mrs. Terpening’s really happy and looking forward to them. Dr. Leman: All righty. Doug: Take care. Have a great day. Bye bye. Andrea: Bye bye.

Dr. Kevin Leman, a family dynamics expert and author, tackles the pressing issue of anger in family relationships. He explores how a father's anger can reflect in his son's behavior, urging parents to confront their emotional issues. Leman emphasizes the necessity of open communication and kindness in navigating these challenges. Practical strategies, like reading together and fostering emotional understanding, are discussed to help families cultivate healthier dynamics and connections.