Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman

 It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman!. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman get’s to the root of why a child might act “shy” towards mommy or daddy.   **Special Offer– May 1 – 31: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**       Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: You need to stop acting so shy and talk to other people. I said, you need to start talking to other people. What do I do about this shy child? She won’t even talk to her own dad. That’s the question that you asked Dr. Leman that we get to ask him for you and hopefully we’ll get an answer on what we can do when we get caught in that situation. Hi, I’m Doug Terpenine- Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time, welcome and we want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, this is a question that’s actually kind of near and dear to Andrea’s and I’s heart. Wouldn’t you say sweetie? Andrea: Absolutely. As a child I was labeled shy and years ago I realized I’m not really shy, I’m thoughtful, I’m thinking about what I’m going to say and yet, because I was called shy, it felt like I was painted into a box. And it’s really hard to escape that box once you’re told you’re shy all your life. Now everybody expects you to be shy and it’s kind of… Not a self fulfilling prophecy, an other prophecy that is fulfilled by you because now you’re stuck in this corner. Doug: So that’s Jenn’s question and it’s so funny here you are talking to thousands and thousands of people on air every day now as a shy person. But let’s hear- Andrea: I’m not shy. Doug: You’re not shy. You’re right. Okay, here’s Jenn’s question. Jenn: Hi. First of all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for all that you do. I am a big fan of your work and I’ve read a few of your books including Making Children Mind, Parenting Your Powerful Child. However, we have a 12 year old son and eight year old son and a five year old daughter. Our daughter has seemed to be shy from the very beginning when she was very little and we made the mistake of saying that she was shy in front of everyone and realized what we’d done. So over the years we’ve been trying to correct this, although we’re still having trouble sometimes. Some of our efforts have worked. She used to not even want to talk to her dad whenever he would come home from work. So I started sending her to her room. She would cry and then eventually she stopped doing that. But every now and then she still does that with family members. I really don’t like when my dad comes to visit and she doesn’t want to speak to him or anyone. We try to not make a big deal about it, just ignore it. Just introduce her to people like it’s no big deal, Hi, this is my daughter. She doesn’t want to get in front of the church with the rest of the kids to do their little performance that they do every now and then. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with things like that. We just want to really get past this. If you have any extra advice for us, that would be great. Thank you. Dr. Leman: Oh, what a good question. Well, first of all, let’s talk about shyness in general. You heard what Andrea had to say that she was told she was shy, and let me point out to you, in all probability, our own Andrea Terpenine, was not shy. She was probably a little too perfectionistic as a kid where she wanted to make sure that what she said was right or what she did was right. And people read that as shyness. So I would concur with Andrea’s self-diagnosis that she wasn’t shy. Okay. But normally when I hear the word shy, the first thing that resonates in my mind is we’re dealing with a powerful child. So I think to be practical with you, Jenn, as far as her getting up and doing things with her friends, whether it be in Sunday school, or school, or whatever, nothing that I’m going to tell you is going to be very helpful in that regard. The social milieu, the teacher, the other students will be far more reinforcing than anything I could tell you because you’re not in the classroom. I’m not in the classroom. So nature will run its course there. But let’s talk about something practical you can do in your home. Number one, I would have a meeting in your home with yourself, your husband, 12 year old and eight year old, and I would introduce it as maybe a game if you’d like or to experiment and just talk about the fact that we are not going to respond to little sister unless she speaks to us. So at dinner time you could set the place setting for five if you want. You could also see what it’s like when you set it for four and just sort of move along in life like she’s not there and just see what happens. It’s just an experiment. Sometimes you do that and all of a sudden a kid will start talking a blue streak and some kids will say, “Well wait a minute. Where’s my food?” Okay, well the kids talking, “Oh, did you want to have dinner with us?” You can do that approach, that kind of thing. If you try to get her to talk and she perceives you as trying to get her to talk, good luck. So you’re going to have to emotionally instruct yourself not to get yourself in the reinforcement, “Here’s the reward for speaking,” mode because it’ll just make things worse. So that’s for openers, that’s basically what you do. In all probability, she’s a powerful child. That’s one of the way she controls things. It’s one of the way she demands attention from you and other family members. So just tuning her out. I would do that for a couple of weeks with a firm commitment that when she asks for something, you could accommodate that. When she speaks, you respond. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. So you’re not telling her to get ready. You’re not telling her to pick up her clothes, you’re not telling her to do anything. Just become silent, run silent. So that’s my opening suggestion. Doug: That would be tough for any person to do. Could you imagine just ignoring your daughter, your five year old daughter until she started talking, Andrea? Andrea: No, I almost feel like it feels like a punishment to her when in my mind I don’t see her as being disobedient. Dr. Leman: She doesn’t respond. This is a kid who’s not talking. So help me understand what you just said, because I don’t get it. Andrea: Yeah. Doug: Where’s the bad behavior? She’s just silent. Andrea: Right. Is it wrong that she’s not talking to people or is it something that she needs freedom to get over? Dr. Leman: She is displaying her power. It’s a powerful child. So you’re dealing with power, so you’re going to remove your what? from her wind? Doug: Sail. Andrea: Her sail. Dr. Leman: Problem is her wind is silent. She’s not saying a word. So do you get her to open up by talking to her and trying to pry out from her what she wants or what she needs? No. Just pretend she doesn’t exist for a while and see what happens. Doug: So Andrea, you’re assuming that her silence is that she is a internal processor who doesn’t want to answer questions. Andrea: Right. It might be different than that. Dr. Leman: She’s not a miniature Andrea. I don’t think so. Andrea: I didn’t have a problem talking at home, I guess is the difference. It was just more when I went to school. And even now as an adult, I don’t like to talk to everybody and talk a blue streak to everybody. Dr. Leman: It was performance based on your part. In other words, you didn’t feel like you wanted to perform you. You felt the pressure at school, where maybe you played your cards real close to your chest, so to speak. Andrea: Exactly. Dr. Leman: Maybe I didn’t get everything, maybe you can help me with everything that Jenn said, remind me, but it sounds to me like this kid is just a powerful little buzzard who finds control from the baby position of the family, which normally you don’t see. Controllers tend to be really more firstborn. But maybe she doesn’t feel like she can compete with those older siblings. Andrea: Right. And the fact that she wouldn’t talk to her Dad, that does sound powerful. Doug: Or Grandpa, right? So you wouldn’t talk to either one, that does sound powerful. So Dr. Leman, then just helped me feel better about myself. This would not be vindictive for me to be silent back to the child. Because that feels like I’m just like rubbing her nose in it. Dr. Leman: Yeah. And it’s not punishment. I’m not talking about punishment. We’re not punishing a kid for anything. But to get along in this world, I got news for you, she’s going to have to talk. So she doesn’t talk to Grandpa. Well that’s a socially awkward position for the parent to be in. What do you mean? I mean, my daughter’s not talking to her grandpa?. I mean the inclination for a parent is to say, “Honey, Grandpa asked you a question.” So you’re going to have to get everybody on board so that we don’t have two thirds of the internal circle that she is around on a daily basis or on a weekly basis. You got to get everybody into this experiment for lack of a better term. Andrea: So you would probably even get Grandpa in on that meeting and say, “Okay Grandpa, when you come over, greet the boys, wrestle with them. But- Doug: Would you go so far as to have Grandpa, say, bring treats for the boys and not the girl? Dr. Leman: No. Andrea: Because then she would start performing, right? Dr. Leman: No, I wouldn’t do that. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with. Grandpa coming in and greeting the children by name and greeting the youngest. I’m not saying don’t greet her, Grandpa. I’m just saying don’t foster a conversation with her. Don’t ask, “Well Honey, what, what did you do today? How is preschool or how is kindergarten?” All of the things that a grandpa might say to a granddaughter, don’t say them. Doug: So for the slow guy, between the three of us, which is me, you’re saying this is the exact same as telling mom, stick it in your eyeballs, mom, or whatever, right? This is just a different form of that. Dr. Leman: Well, this is purposive behavior. Her silence, everybody put your thinking cap on for a second. What does her silence create for her? Doug: Power. Control. She makes the parents perform. Dr. Leman: Right. And so she’s saying, I am in control. I am an authority over you. I’m not even going to push the authority button here that a parent obviously has authority over their children. I’m just saying you need to create a situation in your home where she’s going to have to speak. And that’s why I even suggest if you want to set the table four, as part of the experiment, do so. Let her at least say, “Wait a minute, where’s my food?” “Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted to eat.” Put the food down in front of her and then go and talk to your sons over dinner. In other words, it might take a while for her to catch on, this isn’t paying off. But it is purpose of behavior. In other words, this kid is saying, “I’m not speaking to you.” Andrea: Could this come from parents that are overly authoritarian that have driven her, like you said about me, to perfectionism. So there’s this need to perform? Dr. Leman: That’s probably the best guest, but let me just say this about that. It could be just trial and error. Something had triggered this two years ago. It might’ve been just a simple little thing, but her reality is what? The five-year-old’s reality is what she perceives to be true. Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dr. Leman: Someday I’m going to write a book about lying. And I think most people lie to themselves on a daily basis. Doug: Ouf, that would hurt. So let’s go back to Jenn real quick. So Jenn feels terrible that she’s fostered this by identifying her daughter as shy and paying off this behavior by giving her attention and all of that. Is there anything that Jenn needs to say? I know as soon as I say those words, you’re going to be like, “Have you never heard of reality discipline?” Yes. But is there anything else that Jenn needs to do in regards to that? Dr. Leman: No, I think reality is the teacher, Doug. Keep in mind everybody, the reality of the situation becomes the teacher to the child. Think about that. The reality of the situation. So we’re not talking about dad and mom. We’re not talking about brothers, grandma, grandpa, anybody else, we’re talking about the reality of the situation. Well, what is the reality of situation? The reality of the situation now is that these people are not playing the game that they played where you are the powerful little queen bee and the rest of us are slaving over the hot stove, so to speak, trying to figure out how to get you to talk. Well, I go back to what I’ve said many times, the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, you don’t make children mind, but you create situations where the kid figures out, “Hey, I might’ve have to go a different avenue here.” So sooner or later that kid’s going to figure that out. Doug: When we come back from the break, I want to talk about what are the longterm consequences for this girl if the parents don’t resolve this. But it does make me think, I know we’ve been talking about it because it just released, but your brand new book, Why Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It, and it makes me think of this section in there that you lay out the four levels that children go to, right? They start at attention, and then they go to power, and they go to revenge, I forget the fourth one. But this is why the book is so good because it re-reminds us that why is this kid doing this? Is it for attention? And then it’s switched to power, right? And that’s what you’re telling us. Dr. Leman: Exactly. Doug: And I’m just telling you, that book will help you. Look at Andrea and I, we even forgot these basic concepts that if you’ve read a Dr. Lehman book before or you have listened to podcasts, this book is so one, two, three, four, the seven steps are in there, I just can’t encourage you enough. Go get Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What You Can Do About It. Okay. I’m also from Ravel, right now, between now and the end of May of 2020 you can get Born To Win for $1.99. Andrea, do you have anything? Andrea: I do. I have a great little review here. It says, Now I Get It, is the title they put on it. “I’m married to a super firstborn who always had me wondering about why he does what he does. After reading this book, I have better understanding about him and how he operates. I see things differently now after gaining more insight into what makes him so organized and businesslike. I appreciated this book for what it offered me. Although I am a middle child in my family, I bought this book to help me understand my spouse and it really did. Great read, funny, insightful.” Doug: So go get Born To Win between now and May of 2020 and now a No Nonsense Parenting Moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Hey, acceptance. What does that mean? There’s nothing better than that feeling of being accepted. You know, your son or daughter is going to be either accepted or rejected; in school, in a peer group and at home. Your job as a parent, since you cover the home is to make sure your kid feels accepted. That that’s that place he can identify with or he feels loved no matter what. That’s the agape, unmitigated love we have for our kids. It’s really important that he feels accepted in the home. If he doesn’t feel accepted in the home, guess what? He’s going to go outside of the comfort and love of your home and he’s going to find acceptance in a peer group that’s usually negative and not positive. So make sure you love your kids. This is really simple. Accept them for who they are. Treat them differently. That’s part of acceptance. Do a good job of this, your kid will flourish because of it. Doug: So Dr. Leman, if Jenn doesn’t address this shy behavior and she keeps this, “Hey, come on, come on daughter. You got to talk, you got to talk, you got to talk.” What is going to end up with this daughter? Where’s this going to go? Dr. Leman: It’s going to deteriorate this kid’s self-esteem. She might stay at the power level. She is a powerful child. Okay? And again, remember when you’re a powerful child, you’re also an attention getter. When you go from attention getting to power, you don’t drop the attention getting, you’ve just added to your social repertoire behavior, powerful behavior. It didn’t replace the attention getting behavior that’s still there. What I’m saying is, this kid goes through a school system now and all of a sudden isn’t talking, guess who’s going to come along and throw a little label her way? And now she’s a special child. “She’s a special child, Dr. Leman.” Hey, I know what special child needs. We have seven schools. I know a little something about that. But the kid is just going to label herself and people are going to over-respond, over-react is probably a better term, and it’s just going to get blown more and more out of proportion as she goes through a system, namely a school. So it’s good to do something now. Five is perfect time to do this. Three would have been better but five for right now is as perfect as we can get, because we can’t go back. Doug: Wow. Well I just think about, you know, I manage people and it might be just my personality, but the “shy” people that I have to manage are by far harder than the vocal ones. The vocal ones I can deal with because at least now I know what’s going on. It’s the shy ones that just drive you nuts, which you would think would be opposite, but- Dr. Leman: Okay, let me be personal with you. Do any of your shy ones cry a lot? Doug: Do you mean at work or at home? Dr. Leman: No, basically at work. You know, one gender cries more than another quite frankly. Don’t send me a nasty email on that folks. I’m just telling you that I worked in an office once with seven female assistants and I can’t enumerate the number of times I saw tears. Doug: No, you’re right. There are more tears from the shy ones, or excuse me, from the quiet ones. Yeah, you’re right. Dr. Leman: Well, here’s the deal. Hold on here. How do you feel as a man when you’ve said something or done something and your wife cries. Doug: Oh, you’re brought to your knees. You can’t move forward. You’re stuck. Dr. Leman: Right? So the shedding of tears itself could be a very powerful, manipulative way of getting what you want. So just keep in mind there’s all kinds of behaviors that can equate to shyness. What would you say if I said that somebody who is very explosive, was explosive for the direct reason to keep people away from them? Doug: Oh yeah, I believe it. Dr. Leman: Yeah. So do you see what I’m saying is, I’m not trying to just say one size fits all. I’m just saying when you talk about shyness, it’s a little bit like nailing slime. You ever see kids play with slime? Doug: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dr. Leman: Comes in a little jar and it’s really gross looking. It’s like trying to take a nail and sticking it up on a wall. Good luck. It can be very elusive. And so just keep in mind that shy people can control. We usually think of controllers as firstborn children, but you can control from the baby position of the family through shyness real easy. And you can control from the baby position of the family through temper tantrums. So temper tantrums are so different than being shy, but notice it’s the same psychological mechanism at work. You’re controlling. Doug: Wow. Dr. Leman: But you’re doing it in different ways. So I think the experiment kind of thing that we suggested for Jenn is very worth doing and I would do it for a long period of time. Andrea: What’s a long period of time? Dr. Leman: Couple of months. That’s a long time. Andrea: Oh, you think it’ll take her that long to snap out of it? Dr. Leman: No. No, I don’t. I think it’ll be a short period. Andrea: She’ll respond, but they should keep up the behavior. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Some kids just, they get it. They say, Oh, I get you. All right. Okay. I can dig in a little deeper. All right, go ahead. I’m not moving. How many times have we had parents say to us in one form or another, “Dr. Leman, you can do anything to this kid. You could beat him with a stick. You could take away everything. He doesn’t care.” Well, what’s the purpose of nature of him not caring? He’s saying, “I don’t care what you do. You’re not breaking me. I’m in control here. I’m not giving up my kingdom.” But once the kingdom isn’t paying off anymore, then the kid says, “Wait a minute. I think I got to change lanes here.” And that’s what we hope happens here. So again, it goes without saying I hope Jenn, if your little one begins to open up now, don’t celebrate. Don’t overdo it because she’ll jump right back into her little fox hole and cover herself with dirt. Doug: Really? I was about to- Andrea: Don’t say to her, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re talking.” That’s like the worst thing for somebody like that to hear. Yeah. Oh yeah. Dr. Leman: Yeah, yeah. Just take it in stride. Andrea: Like it’s normal. Dr. Leman: When a kid does well in school, one of my favorites is just, “Honey it’s so good to see you enjoy learning.” It’s so good to see that you enjoy learning. It’s not, “You’re the greatest kid in the world for getting an A on that,” or whatever. Or, “Wow, your hard work really paid off, congratulations.” That’s vitamin E. So don’t over celebrate if you see some early signs of her coming out of our little cocoon. Just take it and stride. Doug: Well this is super helpful and I know I just referenced it, but I’m going to reference it again, the brand new book, Why Your Kid Misbehaves. It’s so nice to know why they’re misbehaving so then you can respond in the right way and not react, and then what to do about it. Dr. Leman: Doug, I should have dedicated that book to Jenn. This is her book. So Jenn, I hope you’ll get a copy real quick. Doug: I just think for the Jenns and the Doug Terpenines of the world, for us to have a framework to understand it is gold, for my personality at least. Maybe not for the people that are listening but sure helps me to understand things. Dr. Leman: You know Doug, you mentioned framework and it’s nice for an author to like his books. They’re like your children, you like them, but there’s a few of them you really love. And the Birth Order Book is one that I love because it gives you a framework. It lets you stand back and say, “Oh, I see why child number three is ducking under, so to speak. Because child number one is a little bluebird with straight A’s. And guess what? Bigger brother opposite sex from the first one. He’s a bluebird too. I got two straight A students. Now I understand why number three sees herself the way she sees herself and underperforms and doesn’t try. Why doesn’t she try? Because in her mind she can’t measure up to those kids.” So parents, here’s your question. Do you treat these kids differently? Chances are you haven’t. So by the time child three comes along, he sees those lanes, those positive lanes where the kids are flying at 30,000 feet, are filled. But “Oh, I see this little cart with a donkey. Maybe I’ll climb on that for my transportation.” You see what I’m saying? It’s a conscious effort on the kids’ part, not to go head-to-head with somebody I know I’m going to get beat by. And again, beat is their perception. Doug: Oh absolutely. This is why I think these books are so good. All of them. Like you’ve said multiple times, read Birth Order Book, children mind you…. I can never get that title. But Helping Children Mind Without Losing Yours, whatever that title is, you know what it is. And now, Why Your Kid Misbehaves. You just put them together and you get this beautiful look at, “Oh this is what this kid’s doing to me.” And you joke about, “We have seen the enemy and they’re small,” it really does help you realize they are beautiful but are not so innocent at times. So go get these books for your sake. Honestly, you want to reduce stress in your life, this is the time to do it. Jenn, kudos to you for asking this incredible question. Thank you. And for those of you that want to leave a question, you can go to birthorderguy.com/313 and there’ll be a microphone right there at the bottom and you can leave your audio question for us and we would love, love, love to answer any of your questions. And a reminder, get Born To Win if you are first born, if you’re married to a first born, or you have a first born kid to understand them better between now and the end of May of 2020. And we look forward to the next time we get to be with you and add to your parenting toolbox so you can love those kids and have a framework on how to parent. Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye.

If your parenting strategies are not working, then it’s time reevaluate your tactics. In today’s episode, Dr. Leman breaks down classic examples of bad parenting and provides some concrete solutions to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.   **Special Offer– May 1 – 31: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: All right. I said, this is what you are supposed to do and it better get done around here. Or is it more fun just to be like, “Oh, that’s all right, you set the couch on fire. No worries. We have just now have a burnt spot in the couch.” Which kind of a parent are you? And does it really matter in the end? Is there a good way to parent or not? That’s what we get to ask Dr. Kevin Leman today. Are there a right way to wrong way to parent? And are there kind of some stereotypes that would help us understand which one we might be? Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. If any of the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, today is the release of the new book Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What You Can Do About It. And in there, I’ve read a bunch of Leman books, you have four different descriptions of the way that we can parent. And I thought it was so helpful for me to understand which one I am and the impact it could have on my kids. You describe them, there’s the fun way, the my way, the right way and the easy way that we do this. Help us understand why did you include in there the ways that we parent? And why is that important for us to know that? Andrea: I just have to throw in here. I loved the phrase he used a couple weeks ago, “You are the maestro of the misbehavior orchestra.” Here we are going to parents again. Dr. Leman: Yeah, well there’s no denying it that we parents create a milieu in our home, a social milieu that is conducive to pulling the rope in the right direction and cooperating and loving and closeness and a sharing of feelings and a sharing of wonderment and just enjoying life. That sounds pretty ideal. Or we get into the right way, my way, the authoritarian way, the permissive way. There are so many avenues that you can choose, parent, that will lead to destruction of the solidity of your family. Dr. Leman: I had a talk the other day with my grandson who’s just turned 16 and is now driving a car, about the road less traveled and the fact that there are fewer people on it. And I asked him, I said, “Connor,” I said, “why do you suppose there’s fewer people on that road less traveled?” And he said, “Well Grandpa, probably because it’s really hard to make the right choice.” I said, “Yeah, that’s pretty good, Connor. For 16 that’s real good.” Dr. Leman: What I’m saying is, folks, there’s all kinds of choices out there on the kind of parent you’re going to be. And when Doug in his introduction said something to the effect of, “This is the way it’s going to be. I said, this needs to get done and I mean it.” That’s just a frustrated parent who lacks the skills to know how to approach these children who are growing every day toward adulthood. And a reminder, you’re not raising a kid, you’re actually rearing a little adult who someday is hopefully going to be a productive person in society. Dr. Leman: But I think if you choose to be an authentic parent, you have authenticity in your life and you have openness in your life and you have a realness to your life and you have the ability to listen and you’re committed to being a good parent and you’re committed to being in sync with your mate, you’ve already made a great choice, and your kids in all probability are going to benefit from that basic commitment to each other. Now, hopefully you’re a person of faith and if you live your faith out in front of your children, there’s a very high probability that your children will one day come to a full realization of who the creator of the universe is and develop a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And that’s an eternal decision. The decisions that we make when kids are very young are really decisions that will influence not only our kids’ life on this earth, but their eternal life as well. The stakes are high in making great decisions when those kids are little. Doug: Dr. Leman, I have a question for you. You describe four different ways that we can fall into parenting wrongly and I want to just choose one and highlight it and it’s the easy way. And you say the easy parent says, “I only count when everyone likes me and I can keep the peace in the house.” And then you go down and you start to talk about how that’s going to be a negative for the kids. Yet it feels like that’s kind of a good parenting style. What are the consequences if I go the easy way for my kids? What do I need to know if I’m the easy way parent? Dr. Leman: Well, what you have to understand is by going the easy way, you’re creating a weak kid. You’re not giving any structure to the kid’s life. You’re not giving a sense of realness or authenticity because that’s not what life’s all about. If your son or daughter joins the service at age 18, they’re not going to get an email from the Navy or the Air Force or the Army that says, “If there’s any possibility that you could work it into your schedule, we would like to have you in Germany or Afghanistan on October 2nd.” That email is never going to come your way. You’re going to be told in a very authoritarian organization, namely the military, you will be there. Everything is not the utopian state of parenthood where parents are on the same page and you’re an authority over your kids. There’s part of life that’s very authoritarian. The police officer does not say to you, “Listen, have you chosen to accept this ticket from me?” He hands you the ticket. Dr. Leman: And so when you just go to whatever feels good, do it, you’re creating a monster, quite frankly, who will never appreciate other people because they’re going to be so determined on just pleasing themselves. Now, let’s take that young man that grows up just pleasing himself. His mom gives into him all the time. Once in a while she gives him a vitamin N, but it doesn’t mean anything because the kid learns that all you got to do is wear her down and she’ll give in. I’m asking every mom to think what kind of a husband will that kid make? And let me ask the Terpenings, your firstborn son, James, you tell me, what kind of a husband will James make, do you suppose? Doug: I think he’s going to make a great one. He’s super responsible. Dr. Leman: Why? Doug: Because he had to. We made him. We made, we pushed our kids hard on a number of things. They were expected. They’re expected to do chores around the house. We actually adopted your phrase that really changed it where we said every member of the household has to contribute to make this work. And when we did, our chores changed from, this is what mom and dad want us to do to, oh, we’re needed around the house. So much so that then he went and served abroad and it’s just part of his DNA now. Yeah. Dr. Leman: Okay. Okay. Now Andrea, give me words that describe James’ personality. Andrea: Oh, the very first one that comes to mind is responsible. He is very kind and thoughtful, caring. He’s well thoughtful also in the way of, he thinks things through in his head before he, so maybe a processor. Dr. Leman: All right now let’s continue being personal. Doug, tell me and tell our listeners basically what James has accomplished in his years. Tell us how old he is and tell us what he’s done. Doug: James is 20 years old and after high school he went and served in Costa Rica for five months stint and fell in love with serving. That he went back and gave two more years. Two and a half years of his life he’s been in Costa Rica serving. And he’s been helping other 18, 19, 20, 21 year olds from anything from building homes, where he’s helping to, he was responsible for the roof part of building homes for people in poor communities, to going downtown and helping out people with homelessness, to kids who were trying to figure out where are they in their faith journey? That’s what he did. Dr. Leman: Okay. Andrea, tell us what James did as a kid growing up before he turned 18 and left your home. What were the kind of things he was involved in? Andrea: Well, the 4H was a big one. He loved and he was in a second club, not just our animal club but in a club that was a leadership club and he loved that. Helping to create events and things for the whole community of 4H. Dr. Leman: I’m assuming he was a good student as well, right? Andrea: Yes, very responsible. Doug: The other thing is we had all our kids have their own small business and we made them deal with all the details. Getting the food for the animals, dealing with the customers and all of that. And we stepped back as much as we could. Dr. Leman: Okay. Now I got a question for all of you who are listening to this, is it a surprise? Is there any surprises here? Was there any real shockers what you just heard? See, these are parents who held their kids accountable, empowered them, and they’re all different. All four children are very different in the Terpening home. But you have to go out and you have to use the spade and you have to turn over the ground and you have to fertilize it. Just like I always say you, you water a marriage by words, by feelings, by communication and so are the Terpenings perfect? Far from it. They’ve admitted all their shortcomings but they’ve done a great job at raising kids and they’ve allowed the kids to experience life as it really is, having their own business, 4H. I’m very outspoken. I don’t like activities for kids basically because there’s too many of them. It dilutes the indelible imprint that a parent I think has the right to put on their own kid. And they think they’re helping their kids through activities and they’re not. Dr. Leman: But one of the activities that I just rail about because it’s so super is guess what? 4H because kids are responsible from the time that calf is born or whatever they’re rearing and hard work and work ethic is a part of being successful in 4H. I’m just telling you parents, let’s everybody take a deep breath and ask yourself, what are you doing? Are you just giving your kids cheap things from China? Are you giving them things? They don’t need things. They need you. They need your expectations. They need your vitamin E, your encouragement, they need your vitamin N. Life goes by quick, folks. How many of you are saying, “I can’t believe little Henry’s already 11 years old and a little Samantha’s already nine. Oh my goodness time goes by quick.” Well, life goes by quick. Have at it parents, you be the parent you want to be. I’m just telling you that there’s a tremendous connection. As A is to B, on the kind of parent you are and the kind of kid you’re going to create. Doug: Well, and this is why I appreciate you so much is because the other parenting style was what I was. Because I was, and I love the phrase that you finally got me understanding, I was King Doug and it was, I was super authoritarian and it was my way or guess what? Get out of here. And I was too far the other way and we don’t even, I don’t even know if we have time to jump into all the four different characteristics. And this is, so I want to balance it out, the easy way your kid’s going to go this way. Doug: And mine was, I was creating rebellion off the charts in my kids that I see now from others who didn’t stop it soon enough. And this is also where you just talk about the differences where Andrea helped pull me into exactly what you said, caring for the kids and listening to the kids and being with the kids. She’s a superstar in those things and really helped me understand that I was just plowing them over and just shoving them out the door. Yeah, I don’t know if we have enough time to get into the my way parent in here or not, but yeah. Dr. Leman, I don’t know why I’m telling you that. I’m just like. Dr. Leman: Yeah, and let’s face it. I love Doug because Doug has been brave enough to say publicly, I was a fool. I thought I was king of the Terpening house and he’s just lucky that he married the pretty one. She was the real helper. Andrea: The easy way parent who wanted peace. Dr. Leman: Well, a lot of us, men tend to operate at arms length and our comfort zone many times is just telling people what to do. I’ve never had a woman say to me, “I love it when my husband just tells me what to do.” Never heard that yet. But what I love is when a woman says something like, “Oh,” that little oh, as a response to something that husband has said or done. Then you know as a man, you’re really reaching into your wife’s heart. Well, what does heart have to do with it? Dr. Leman: We’ve been mentioning The Way the Wise, you know that little a book I did that I love. It’s an easy read about an hour, hour and 15 minutes to read the entire book. But the passage that that book is premised on, Proverbs 3, in just the first six verses there, King Solomon uses the word heart three times. Parenting, relationships, marriage and our relationship with our maker is all about heart. Again, I don’t want to go too far over and make you guys feel uncomfortable with my adulation for how you’ve reared your kids, but it’s a perfect example of as you as a parent change and start to do things differently, the bonuses just flow in a very natural way to all of your children. Be a good parent, be a good mate and life’s going to be pretty good. Doug: I want to read a quote from the book, for those of you that are like me was king where you’re the my way parent. I have a right as the parent to tell you what to do and you better do it. Is you say you’ll come down like an almighty hammer to judge your kids before they can open their mouths to explain the behavior. You might get immediate outward obedience because those kids view you as top dog, but trust me, resentment is simmering under the surface. I cannot underscore that for the my way parents. You are just, you are breeding resentment and you wonder why when your kids are 21 and they leave and never come back, how could that have been when you fed, clothed them and gave them everything they needed? I bring this up to talk about the fact that for many of us, if you’re like me, to be able to look at the mirror and look at yourself and go, “Hmm, what am I really like?” Doug: That’s really tough to do. Which is why I like this section of the book because it’s like, okay, which one of these four parents are you? Okay, I can put myself maybe there. Here’s what you’re going to get with your parenting. And when I see the negative I’m impacting on my kids, that’s just enough to prick whatever that my mind, my heart, my soul, whatever, to be like, oh, maybe I should change so that I get what I want, which is a relationship with my kids. Well, if you don’t want a relationship with your kids, you can do these things and just think you’re going to create robots. But that’s craziness. Anything you want to say to that Dr. Leman before I jump into the book? Dr. Leman: No, just do it. We make these things available. Some of them are a $1.99, 2.99. You’re buying books. You’re getting books that if you walk into a bookstore, you’re going to pay a 16.99 for plus tax and here you can download them, have them on your appliance. And the big deal is they change your life. You can share it with your mate. Here it is, read it. And I can’t say enough about it. I’m just thankful to Revell, my publisher who allows us to do these podcasts. Yeah, it obviously helps Revell because they’re the ones that gain most whenever they sell a Kevin Leman book. But I’m in the school business. I got seven schools. I’m not in the business of creating money for myself. I’m in the business of educating kids because I want to make a difference in kids’ lives. Dr. Leman: And these books are very practical. They’re fun. Some of you don’t like them. I read the one star reviews once in a while and I go, “Wow, where’d this person come from?” I’m just so glad that most of my books are four and a half stars or better. And those four stars are hard to get. Five stars are almost impossible. And I got a few of those. We know what we’re doing is helping a lot of people. I’m thankful for people like Doug and Andrea who pour their heart and soul into this and make it fun and bring a sense of realness to us. Help us spread the word. Tell your friends, put it up on your social media. Tell people how to catch us here as we talk about life as it really is. Doug: After this, I want to give a brief description of the four different ways and the harms that we have from them. But the book that you can get between now and the end of May of 2020, for only a buck 99 is Born to Win. Born to Win, $1.99 between now and the end of May of 2020 wherever eBooks are sold. And the other thing I want to tell you that’s really fun with Revell Baker is this week, the week of May 5th. May five, six, seven, eight I believe, is that they are going to give away five copies of the brand new book. Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What You Can Do About It. You’ve heard us talking about it for weeks now. I’m telling you it’s totally worth you going to get. If you want to try and get a free one, you can go to Dr. Leman’s Facebook page today and enter in for the contest to win one of those brand new books. It is a phenomenal book. Okay, now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Go buy any gym, any fitness center where there’s open windows, where you can look in and you’ll see people working and working and working and they’re working out or trying to come up with a perfect body. Well, how about psychological muscles for your kids? How do you help build psychological muscles for your kids? The peer group can be cool, but you need to sometimes help your kids develop psychological muscles. What does that mean? It means well, number one, don’t overreact to everything that comes your kid’s way. Sometimes people will say things to your kids that are just downright unkind. Sometimes your kids are too over sensitive. One of the things I try to teach our kids at Leman Academy of Excellence is when somebody dogs you, somebody is really nasty to you, I teach our students at Leman Academy to look at them and say, “Wow, I didn’t realize you felt so bad about yourself.” Wow, does that take the air out of the balloon. Teach that to your child. It’s one of those little pocket answers that good old Dr. Leman loves. Doug: Alrighty. I’m going to briefly touch on the four different parenting styles and then you two can tell me, you can highlight, accentuate anything that I miss or to expand it. You described these four different ways. The fun way parent, I only count when I’m in the limelight, noticed appreciated, adorned. And the hit to your parenting is as a fun way parent, you’ll probably avoid the situation by not dealing with it. You’ll exit the premises and go out for an evening, so you’re an avoider. Doug: My way, I’ve already read this one, but I only count when I’m in charge and others immediately follow my orders. And the problem with this one is you might get an immediate outward obedience because those kids view you as the top dog. But trust me, resentment is simmering under the surface. Doug: And then the right way. I only count when I get to meet my own, which I find interesting, my own high standards by doing things right, perfectionist and critical eyed. And here’s the impact you’ll have on those kids. This time those projects, quote unquote, are your kids and it will be impossible for them to meet your high standards and do life correctly, even on their best days. Your natural disposition to become discouraged and resentful won’t help resolve the behavior. It will only further alienate you from your kids. Doug: Dr. Leman, why was it important for you to highlight the four different ways and like. Dr. Leman: Well, I think it’s important for parents to see that our behavior influences the whole kid’s view of life and themselves. And you’re either giving them a realistic view or an unrealistic view. And for example, the parent that just says “It’s got to be my way,” is sowing the seeds of rebellion in that kid’s heart and soul. The parent that says, “Well, let’s just do it the fun way and everything goes,” is not only painting an unrealistic view of life, but it’s also sowing the seeds of discontent and rebellion in your kid’s heart and soul because there isn’t structure. We come back to the mid point of being an authority over your children. But that’s what’s so cool about why your kids misbehave and what to do about it. If you as a parent can identify, and the fun part of this book, you identify that just by your own feelings of your kid’s misbehavior, at what level your kid is misbehaving. And that way you know exactly where you need to improve as a parent. Dr. Leman: It gives you motivation to move from where you are to a better place. And it’s not only a better place for you or your spouse, it’s a better place for your kids. We talked earlier about the Terpening children. Why have they done so well? I can go off of my five children, all of my five children, you would think with five children, you’d have a loser in there somewhere. A good that’s just not hitting on all eight cylinders. Dr. Leman: Well, that’s not the case in the Leman family. All five of our kids are hitting on all eight cylinders and they’re doing extremely well in life. Extremely well in life. Well, it’s not an accident. It goes back to how we parent and why your kids misbehave and what to do about it gives you a starting place where you can go into your kid’s life, get behind their eyes, see how they see life, and I think you’ll be convicted of the fact that you need to change your behavior. And when you change your behavior as a parent, you set up a great possibility that your son or daughter is going to alter their behavior as well. Pick up a copy, you’ll enjoy it. Doug: For everybody out there that’s wondering, do I really want to read a book? Do I really want to invest the time and energy? Is this book really worth it? I just say, whatever you invest in, you get great results from and what you don’t in this world, I’m just old enough to realize you don’t. If I don’t exercise for some reason, I don’t stay in shape and there are especially if you are, if you don’t have kids yet or you’re just starting out, man, it saves you so many problems later on that you have to deal with to have a game plan and know what you’re doing. Andrea, you’re shaking your head. Andrea: Well no. I’m just thinking how, boy if you are just starting out or if you have a friend who’s pregnant, what a great gift because I keep hearing over and over in these last few podcasts, how much of it is, it’s not the kid, it’s the parent and so if the parent and the parents can get on the same page, if the parent can figure out what their parenting style was as a child and now how they’re going to parent, I just think wow, you’re starting out leaps and bounds ahead. Just getting yourself healthy as a parent because you are going to, you are the maestro of the misbehavior orchestra or of the the great kids orchestra. Where you’re going to have fun with them. And so yeah, I don’t know, I just think parents just starting out, are going to have kids soon. What a great idea to share this. Doug: Well and Dr. Leman, to follow up on that real quick is, you’ve said it before, if we are willing to do the hard work especially when we were first setting out like you’re saying Andrea, as brand new kids, what is life like when we finally have those teenagers for us? Dr. Leman: Yeah, there’s a great payoff. I’ve often said the best years are when your kids are teenagers. And people look at you like you got a screw loose. You got to be kidding me. I’m not kidding you. We had no problems throughout our kids’ teenage years, none. Why? Because our home was their home. We had the home field advantage so to speak in the Leman family because the kids would bring their friends over. I think our kids were initially shocked at how much their friends like Sandy and I. Was sort of funny. But the bottom line as parents, you want to be a difference maker in your kid’s life. I hope so. And some of you have gone off on the wrong track for various reasons. You brought a lot of baggage into your marriage and whatever, but you can right the ship and this little book Why Your Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It, will help you navigate the oceans of life. Doug: Amen. And Andrea and I are living it right now. Our 20 year old and 18 year old are demanding that we go out to have dinner with them because they just want to talk and debrief. Andrea: I was just going to say little story from our home this week because our oldest two have just come home from their YWAM experiences. I was sitting at the table eating lunch with all four of the kids the other day and I just, I stopped the middle of the conversation. I said, “You guys don’t know how happy I am. This is amazing. Here you are laughing and joking with each other and we’re talking about life. And I have these little flashbacks to when they were preteen and all the time we spent together. And now here we are, the five of us. Dad’s at work, laughing and just enjoying one another. And you guys just don’t even know what a gift this is to your mom. It’s amazing. I am drinking it in.” Doug: The payoff is you’re going to have some hard years to change yourself and change the patterns with your kids. I did. It’s uncomfortable. It’s not nice. But man, the payoff is so worth it for your kid’s sake and for you. It’s amazing. In conclusion, you can get Born to Win now until the end of May of 2020 for a $1.99 where eBooks are sold and go get the new book, Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It. You get actual practical steps. They go on sale today, May 5th, and I am so excited to hear about how your life changes and just how much more you can enjoy those kids and love on them. Trust me, it will happen. Thank you for being with us today and listening. We appreciate you being with us. Andrea: Have a great day. Doug: Take care. Bye bye.

When your kid doesn’t respect your no, what do you do? Listen in on today’s episode to learn what Dr. Leman says about administering vitamin n to your kids.   **Special Offer– April 1 – 30: Way of the Wise ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks** **Special Offer– May 1 – 31: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: As a parent, have you ever experienced that incredibly annoying time when your kid just gets fixated and opens and shuts, opens and shuts, opens and shuts, or just keeps dropping that same toy over and over? You tell them, “Stop,” but they won’t. That’s the question that Dee asks, “How do I stop this from my 18-month old.” And we get to ask Dr. Leman for you. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are joining us on this podcast today. We want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. As a reminder, you can go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion or slash the episode numbers. Like this episode is 311, and there you’ll see at the bottom of the page a microphone, and you can leave your audio question like Dee did. Dee: Hi, Dr. Leman. I was curious if you would please tell me the appropriate way to discipline an 18-month old? For example, he keeps opening the cabinet where the chemicals are or banging on the glass on one of the dressers. I jump up right away, remove him and tell him, “We don’t do that.” So I have my parents tell me, “Just spank him. He understands. Kids know at six months old not to do something. Look at all you kids, you turned out well, well-mannered and responsible.” I don’t know if removing him from the situation is the right way to do it at this age. I’m not sure if that’s still appropriate. Dee: I personally tried smacking his hand and he swatted back at me. So obviously don’t want to teach him that hitting is okay. So I’m not sure what is the appropriate discipline for scenarios like this where it’s a repetitive don’t do that, don’t do that. And if you could just tell me what I should be doing at this stage of his development, so that for instance, if there’s something for his own safety and he’s across the room, if I tell him “no” he will know not to do that and he’ll stop in his tracks. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your podcast. Thank you, guys. Dr. Leman: Well, what a good question. Thank you Dee for that. You sound like a great mommy by the way. Wow. That’s sort of a loaded question. Okay? In fact, the whole idea of spanking a child is, we can start there, is an interesting one. Now, I’ve always pledged to you that I would always call a spade a spade, tell it like it is. Okay? I’ll give you my honest opinion and I’ll get some nasty ones on this, I guarantee you. Dr. Leman: But let’s start with, I know you were asking about an 18-month old, but let’s take a three year old who has great verbal skills, understands commands well, and that kid defiantly looks you in the eye and says to you, “No.” Well, would it be the end of the world if you took an open hand and gave that kid a swat on their tail? That’s the question I have for you. Would it be the end of the world? Well, here’s the problem. You give that kid a swat on the tail, and he’s in preschool and he has an accident at preschool and there’s a red mark on that kid’s tail and the teacher asks, “Did you get hurt?” “My mommy spanked me, my daddy spanked me.” Dr. Leman: And depending upon what state you live in, you’re about to experience hell on earth. Okay? There are going to be people who knock on your door and say, “We’re going to take your child. We’re going to make your child a ward of the court all of a sudden. We’re going to place them in a supervisory position.” Because you what? Because you exercised your authority as a parent and you swatted your child. So I can’t publicly say, “Okay parents, open hand on a kid’s tush is not going to damage their psyche for life,” but I’m telling you that the social environment we live in today precludes you from spanking children. Dr. Leman: Is spanking inherently harmful? No, it’s not. But the problem is people don’t know how to spank. Years ago, I detailed in a book how to spank a child. I’m going back, I don’t know, 30 years, how to spank a child. I decided, and again I’m just telling you how it is, you don’t have to agree, disagree, whatever, but I came to the conclusion that so few people even would know how to spank a child appropriately. They wail on a child and sometimes tell himself that’s discipline. It’s not discipline. So I’ll get to Dee’s question and I’ll answer you as best I can. Dr. Leman: Dee, my guess is that your nature, you’re probably too authoritarian. Okay? And that’s why when your parents say, “Hey, just spank him, everything will be okay,” is real tempting for you. But the fact that your little guy is 18-months old is interesting to me because I always tell parents circle the calendar when your child hits 18-months of age. Because that’s developmentally where a child will come into true power, powerful behavior, behavior that serves a purpose in a kid’s life. Yes, I know some of you have 12-month olds who can arch their back and win a triple gold medal for their heroic acts in the high chair. But by 18-months, it’s really pretty well developed. So how you handle discipline with an 18-month old I think is really important. Dr. Leman: You talked about the fact that you tell them, “Don’t do that, don’t open that cabinet door.” Now let me say this, Dee, it should be impossible for your 18-month old to open any cabinet or any area where there’s dangerous anything there. There’s all kinds of secure things you can buy. So number one, your home, your apartment, needs to be completely baby-proof. As my pediatrician once said to us, “Kids are dumb as mud. They’ll put anything in their mouth and they don’t read labels.” So number one, opening things, you need to make sure that that’s not possible, so it’s not a matter of them getting into things they shouldn’t. Dr. Leman: Your best discipline is to remove your 18-month old from the scene, whatever it is. If your child is acting up or being defiant or whatever, pick him up, put him in a playpen, if you still have one up, and have him have some time looking out through the nets. Let him figure out that what he just did is very inappropriate. So if you do that, he’ll howl like a coyote at the moon. So be it. Let him howl. He’ll stop. A real powerful kid might howl for 15, 20 minutes, some even a half an hour, but they’ll stop as long as it’s not [inaudible 00:08:11]. Now, if you keep running in and tell him to settle down, be quiet, stop screaming, whatever, you’re just going to prolong your agony and his maladapted behavior. Dr. Leman: I thought it was interesting that you slapped his hand and he slapped you back. You have to understand the psyche of a kid. Okay, if you have a right to punish me, then I have the right to what? See, in a democratic society, kids don’t view themselves as social unequals. They see themselves as equal to the adult, socially equal. And are they socially equal? They’re not the same. But God doesn’t love parents more than He loves children, but God has given parents authority over children. Not authoritarianism. If you want to look at the Scripture, Ephesians 6 says, “Children obey your parents. It’s the right thing to do because God has placed them,” and here’s the key word, “in authority over you.” Dr. Leman: So your question is a good one. And I know that it can be very exasperating, but if you’re trying to reason with the 18-month old, Dee, let me suggest you don’t go down that path. Okay? Use action and not words. When the child’s misbehaving, again, you pick the child up swiftly, give him the look, put them in a room, close the door. You may want to have the Kevin Leman [inaudible] Lock on the door that locks on the outside, where the child can’t come out. They have to stay in their room. And they stay in their room until when? Until they quiet down. And then a simple, “Honey, are you to come back out?” And then pick him up, give them a little love. They got their blankie with them and life goes on. Dr. Leman: So for openers, that’s how I would answer your question. I tried to do that as honestly as I possibly can. And by the way, the question is, “Dr. Leman, when you raised your five children, did you spank them?” Yes I did. But let me give you a definition of a spank. It was an open hand on a kid’s tush. I have five children. We went to the trouble to figure out how many times we gave a swat to our son or our daughters, the aggregate number was guess what? Eight. So five kids got eight swats in their child-rearing days. Doug: So I’m kind of [inaudible] on the last thing you said. So I’m going to shine the light on you, Andrea. You’ve said this a bazillion times, “Use actions, not words.” So Andrea, when you pick up the 18-month, how hard is it not to communicate with words to them, and just pick them up and walk in and drop them in the playpen? Andrea: Nearly impossible. The part that’s even harder for me is not to go check on them. Doug: Oh. Andrea: Yeah. Doug: Because? Andrea: Because you want to make sure they’re okay. I mean, you know all these things that could go wrong. Dr. Leman: A parent has a monitor today, they can see what’s going on in the room. Okay? For those parents who are thinking, “Oh, I could never lock my child in a room.” I mean, give me a break. All you’re doing is saving yourself some effort and making sure the child stays in the room for awhile. That’s all. You can look at the monitor that’s in your kitchen or your bedroom and you know exactly what a little [Beaufort’s] up to in there. Doug: So why is it important that dad or mom, when they pick up the children, don’t use words to them and don’t scold them or say, “Stop opening the cabinets.” Right? “That’s not what we do around here.” Dr. Leman: Well, I think one word, which is vitamin N, which is simply “no.” Give them the look, a look of disapproval, pick them up and remove them, that’s great discipline for an 18-month old. What are you going to say to the 18-month old? What words you’re going to use? Doug: Dear Beaufort, in the Terpening household we do not open and close cabinets because it is unsafe for you and you need to learn not to do that. Well, I’m now going to go put you in your playpen for five minutes. Dr. Leman: Yeah, if I’m an 18-month old, I’m going to blow that off real quick. I’m going to go, “Oh, here he goes again. Here he goes on one of his editorials, some good old dad.” Andrea: What are the chances that that kid is going to go back to that cabinet when they get brought out of their play pen and try it again? Dr. Leman: It’s very good if he’s a powerful child because he want us to know, “Hey, do you mean business?” So parent, if you’re going to discipline once in awhile, good luck. So you have to be consistent. So if he comes out and he goes right to that cabinet again, you know he needs just a little bit more time to think about what we do in the Terpening household. And so you pick up Doug, you drag him to the room and say, “Doug, you’re in there again.” Now, I’m laughing at myself, which is not a good idea. Doug: Well, I remember when our kids were younger, zero to six, seven, somewhere in there, Andrea, we could almost clockwork, every 90 days, three months, they wanted to see who is an authority around here. Right? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Doug: They would be like, “Hey, it’s been awhile. Let’s just see if maybe I’m now the boss.” It was like for three or four days they just created chaos. And then if we held the line, it stopped. If we didn’t, it would go on for weeks and then we had a bigger problem to make up. But you’re right, how as parents do we deal with that mindset that every three months or so the kids are just going to test that boundary? Dr. Leman: Yeah, I think kids play us like a violin, and I think if there’s two of them they have discussions like, “Hey, what do you think we ought to try tonight?” It’s sort of like checking the temperature. It’s going outside and looking around the skies and seeing what the climate is in your home. And that’s why being a consistent parent is so important. When the kids realize whether they turn left or right, they have parents united out there, they’ll fall in line. And keep in mind they want to please you. That’s what parents miss. Your kid actually wants to please you. So this is all doable. This is a good question. Thank you, Dee. Doug: Yeah. I’m going to do the eBook promotion, and then I’m going to tell a funny story about Andrea because it’s always fun to make her look bad. I love it. It’s one of my favorite things to do. Andrea: Yeah, I love you too, honey. Doug: Yeah. Sweet. So the eBook promo is The Way of the Wise for a buck 99 between now and the end of April. So you only have a couple of days to get this. So wherever eBooks are sold, for $1.99. And RedDog911 off Amazon said, “I enjoyed this quick read of Dr. Leman’s. His insights into the verses he’s chosen are laced with his own wisdom and humor. A refreshing read.” So if you haven’t read Way of the Wise, you can get it now until the end of April of 2020 for $1.99. Also, now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Hey, parents. Do you ever have input into your kids youth group, church group, social group, whatever? I think parents are always looking for ideas that are healthy and good for kids. Let me give you a couple of them. Dr. Leman: How about a carwash? “Well, Lehman, how many people have car washes?” “A lot of people have car washes. What so new about that?” “Well, how about a carwash that doesn’t charge?” “Oh, I get you. That’s a better way to make money. They’ll give you donations, right?” “No, you’re still not there. How about a car wash where we don’t accept donations?” “What do you mean? Well, how much clearer can I be? We don’t accept donations from anybody. We just wash peoples’ cars.” Dr. Leman: Or how about projects in your neighborhood where your kids go over and volunteer to help an elderly person in the neighborhood, whether it’s raking leaves or shoveling snow, or you name it, but without payment. Kids should learn to serve other people without anything but a “thank you” as a reward, if you want to call it that. It’s a feeling that you get when you give to other people anonymously. Set up those situations for kids. Kids need to know that other people count in life. Let’s face it, kids are pretty hedonistic. They care about only themselves in too many situations, so look for ways where they can serve other people. It’s good for all of us, isn’t it? Doug: Okay, so here is my funny story about Andrea that totally proves your point that children are not innocent. I know I’ve said it before in the podcast, but it just so perfectly highlights it. Doug: I don’t know, three, four years ago our kids said, while we were driving somewhere, we would have a discussion before we would get in the car on who was going to get mom to play the music we wanted to play on the radio, and we knew that the youngest could do it one way and the oldest could do it another way. So we would look at where mom’s temperature was and make a game plan to get what we wanted on the radio. That’s a sweet little Terpening. Andrea: And that makes me look bad- Dr. Leman: No. Andrea: … because I’m manipulated by my children? Doug: No, it doesn’t make you look bad. It makes you look like [crosstalk 00:00:18:09]- Dr. Leman: They’re schemers. Yeah, schemers. Andrea: And they admitted it. Doug: Well, this is why I think your point that children are schemers is so important, that these kids are not innocent in their behavior. Right? This is what you’re trying to get us to understand. They are testing the waters to see if they can get what they want. Right? Dr. Leman: Hey listen, I’ve loved the past few podcasts we’ve done and I know we get a lot of positive feedback from people about how they love the practical nature and the fact that they tend to be a little entertaining as well. But why don’t you do us a favor here, the three of us, and put a post up on your Facebook, on your social media, and just give a shout out to other parents who you think might be attracted to hanging out with us and learning how to be a better parent, better married person, better single person, by just listening to our podcast. I mean it’s free, so take advantage of it. But we’d appreciate your help. We want you to have social interest in other people and we appreciate you following us and listening to us, but help pass that along, would you? We’d appreciate it. Doug: And to follow that up, to make it even easier for you, Revell and Baker Books, our dear friends, this week are giving away the book, The Birth Order Book on Facebook. So if you go to Dr. Kevin Lehman’s Facebook page, Dr. Kevin Leman, you can go there and there’s going to have some simple contest. Maybe it’s whoever answers the question of what birth order they’re in or whatever, then they’re randomly going to draw and send you a hard copy of The Birth Order Book. So definitely, you can go to his webpage, Dr. Kevin Leman, L-E-M-A-N, and enter there to get that. Doug: Also, you can get Way of the Wise, buck 99. And in a week, his new book comes out, Why Your Kid Misbehaves-and What to Do About It. Cannot recommend it enough for the Dees of the world and the rest of us. Let’s get a game plan, makes all the difference in the world. So it’s a lot. It’s great to be with you guys today, and Dee, we love your question. We love everybody that leaves those audio questions. You can do that at birthorderguy.com. Great to be with you. It’s great to give you tools to love those kids more and more. We just thank you for being with us and we look forward to the next time. Andrea: Hope you really enjoy those kids this week. Doug: Especially those 18-months old. Andrea: Yes, yes. Doug: They grow up so fast. Andrea: So sweet. Doug: Yep. Put them in the play pen and then hold them once they’re done and just love them, love them, love them. So fun. Okay. Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye.

Is it really possible to prevent your kid’s misbehavior before it starts? Listen in to to today’s episode for Dr. Leman’s advice on parenting misbehaved children.   **Special Offer– April 1 – 30: Way of the Wise ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: Everything and everyone is calling and screaming for my attention and now you’re telling me, Dr. Leman, that my kid’s misbehavior is rooted in their desire for my attention? Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are here because we’re going to talk today about how to stop misbehavior before it starts. That sounds like a promise that’s too good to be true, doesn’t it, Andrea? Andrea: Yeah. Doug: How do you stop behavior? Okay, well, if you are first time here, welcome. You’re in for a treat. If you’ve never met Dr. Leman, he is a fabulous gentleman: super funny, super practical, down to earth. I wish you guys could all hear what we say before we hit record on this button. He is always nice to Andrea and he’s always mean to me. It’s worse when the microphone is not on. Doug: I want to remind you that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please, go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Dr. Leman, you’ve written a book called Have a New Kid by Friday. Now, you’ve written a book called While Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It. You are making a promise that says that you can help us know how to stop misbehavior before it starts. Andrea: In your book, you talk about four stages of misbehavior, so we’d love to hear some more about that. Dr. Leman: Well, there are four stages of misbehavior, but what if we just focus on how to prevent misbehavior in your home? Do you really want to get to level three? Do you want to get to level four? I don’t think so. But there are four levels of misbehavior that kids give us. It’s engaging in what I call “purposive behavior.” In other words, those behaviors serve a purpose in the child’s life. That’s a psychological term, “purposive.” Dr. Leman: We could go into those in great detail, but I really think we should do what we say we’re going to do and that is, “Okay, Leman, show me how, do I create situations in my home so my kids don’t misbehave?” Okay, well, let’s start early. When that baby comes out of that womb, that child is 100% dependent upon you, parent. It really starts at that point where you make a commitment to each other that you will be on the same page as parents, that you will speak common language, that you will invest in this child, okay? Dr. Leman: As they grow, kids have no interest socially in anybody else. They’re, again, hedonistic. When they’re infants, they want to be fed, they want to be held, they want to be comforted, they love tactile stimulation, all those things. All right, let’s get that child to age a year, nine months. They’re in the high chair. If you put the child in a high chair, he or she stays in the high chair until breakfast is over, until lunch is over, until dinner is over. Now, do you make a 11-month-old stay in a chair for an hour while you finish? No, you don’t. The point is, you take time for training. Dr. Leman: What’s really important for young parents to understand: that routines are important, the mundane is important. That’s why kids take naps. Again, parent, you don’t sit down and say to your husband or your wife, “All right, now hear this. This will be the schedule for the Terpening baby.” It doesn’t work that way. Every child comes with a unique schedule. You watch your children, you’re with them every day, and you’ll develop a very natural rhythm for when that child eats, when they take their naps, when they go night-night for good, all those kinds of things. Dr. Leman: You have to commit the wisely using. Now, notice the word “wisely,” wisely using your authority, and that’s a God-given authority, friends, to be the parent you need to be. All those Leman books will help you be the parent that, quite frankly, God would have you be. You have to understand that kids, by their nature, by their nature, I know they’re sinful. Nobody had to teach a kid to tell a lie that they didn’t take the cookie, okay, or they didn’t run their finger through the chocolate cake. Nobody had to teach a kid that. They have a sinful nature, okay? I get it, you get it. Dr. Leman: The point is this: The kids basically want to make us happy. They want to please us. Why not empower them as they grow older? “Well, what does that mean, Leman?” It means your three-year-old can help unload the dishwasher. The three-year-old can help feed the dog. Involve kids, empower them. As they grow older, listen to them. Dr. Leman: I’m flying through these things, folks. We could probably do a podcast on every one of these things. Listening is a great skill. Many times, we just shut off kids. We send a message that “I don’t care what you think.” Well, if you want a prescription for disaster, there it is. Are kids going to come up with great ideas? Yeah, once in a while. Most of their ideas are impractical. Some of them are downright impossible. They’re kids, okay? As you listen to them and you give them responsibility, you talk vitamin E to your children. Dr. Leman: What does that mean? Well, if you’re not a listener to our podcast on a regular basis, we may have to remind you, vitamin E is what? Encouragement. It’s a way of responding to the acts your kids do in a positive way: “Honey, thank you so much for helping after dinner. That was so kind of you.” That’s an encouraging statement. “Oh, honey, you are so good. Here’s $5.” That doesn’t help, parents. That’s reward and punishment that was gone out years ago. Learning to talk vitamin E, again, many of the Leman books will help you become pretty good at talking with vitamin E, encouragement. Dr. Leman: Then lastly, I’m going to say this: Your kids have to know you care, that you have their back and you give comfort. When they fall and they skin their knee, you give comfort. When their boyfriend dumps them after a beautiful romance of 10 days in seventh grade, you need to comfort. You need to listen. You need to sit back. You have to sometimes wipe those tears away. Dr. Leman: Well, there’s a short course. You just heard it, okay? I don’t know where Andrea and Handsome Boy will take this, but that’s the short course in how to prevent misbehavior. Doug: Ooh, I liked the “Handsome Boy.” Andrea, did you hear that? “Handsome Boy.” Andrea: I heard that. Doug: All right, wow. Andrea: All right, Handsome Boy, what do you think? Doug: Oh, wow. I like this. Well, now I’m all confused because now I’m thinking about the “handsome” part. Doug: Dr. Leman, again, I’m surprised. If I going to stop behavior, the very first thing that you said was “You have to be on the same page,” or really near the front, was “same page as parents.” You used to have parents come into your office, drop Buford off, and then you would say, “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You two stay. We have to talk to you.” Why is that so important and how does that spouse get that other one to at least be somewhat on the same page with them? Dr. Leman: Well, what happens in life when we marry is we tend to marry someone very different from us, which is good, but when it comes to parenting, one may have a very authoritarian stance and to balance it off, the mate might take the permissive stance. We got good cop and bad cop trying to parent kids. Dr. Leman: Now, all those things that I just went through, which was a pretty good list of things to get a parent to be able to stop misbehavior before it starts, all of those would be blown out of the water by simply making one parent the good cop and one parent the bad cop, one the authoritarian and one the permissive. You have to be on the same page. You can do all these wonderful things, but if your mate sabotages that, we don’t get to where we want to be. Doug: Because why? What does that do to the kids? Dr. Leman: It gives them double messages. It teaches them to be manipulative because they know that they can work Mom, if she’s the easy one, or Dad, if he’s the easy one. It teaches them to do things we really don’t want them to do or be. Doug: The reason I’m bringing this one up is I think, Andrea, I think this is one of the biggest changes in our marriage after listening to Dr. Leman, was we got way more on the same page about how we were going to parent, right? We came more in the middle, right? Because it’s exactly what you said, Andrea was the permissive, I was the authoritarian, and it gave us what you said, the second one, which was interesting, was same language, that we would start to use the same terminologies. I think your books really help parents who have neither of those, a plan or language, both of those. Would you not agree? Andrea: Absolutely. Doug: Why do you think that reading Dr. Leman’s book helped you stop being so permissive? Andrea: I think probably what it did is it just gave me those pocket phrases, which made sense. Then I didn’t have to resort to being permissive because I now had something tangible to use to actually train them in the way that I would want them to go, where before, it was more like giving up or giving in and resorting to, “Well, this is too hard.” Doug: Yeah. That’s one of the great things about, especially this book is that you talk about how we, me and you, Andrea, grew up and we parents had just the way we were parented in many ways. We just carbon copied it, but the pocket phrases, the new language, we didn’t react out of our old habits, but we actually got to start responding with these new phrases and those phrases gave us the 20 seconds to calm down. Dr. Leman, any reaction to that? Dr. Leman: Well, I’m thinking of Gary Chapman’s book as you guys were speaking. He wrote The Five Love Languages and most people know what those are, we won’t go through them, but most couples have different love languages. I always loved the birth order book for lots of reasons because it gives insight into marriage as well as parenthood, but it gives you a way of taking a hold of life, looking at our kids, looking at our marriage. It helps us to navigate the pathway to being on the same page as husband and wife. Dr. Leman: It all starts with you, parents. I remind you that you have God-given authority in your back pocket. You have all the gold, so to speak, in your back pocket. Again, your kids wouldn’t be wearing shoes today if you didn’t buy them for them. They wouldn’t be closed today if you didn’t buy those clothes for them. You have extreme authority and you have to learn to use that wisely, not as a authoritarian “All right, listen up. You’re going to do what I tell you to do,” and certainly not as a permissive because that’s not a use of authority in any shape or form. Dr. Leman: Is there an art form in parenting? Yeah, there probably is, it’s part of it, but you have to work at betting on the same page, or like I say, all these things we just went through will be blown out of the water. It’ll be in vain. That’s principle number one, that the two will work toward oneness. I think quite frankly, that God gave us that. The differences in to make us really work hard at becoming a couple. It’s not easy. Doug: Well, I find it so interesting. This is not where Andrea and I thought we were going to take this conversation at all and yet it is the foundational piece that if the couple can get on the same page, you can solve a heck of a lot of problems. We weren’t on the same page for years and years and years and it created problems with our kids. I also think of how many fights we had, not fights, discussions we had about, “Hey, you let this kid do this,” “Well, you did this with the kid,” until we got on the same page, which caused friction in our marriage, too. Dr. Leman: Hmm. See, that gets down to exercising your will, okay, against your mate. It gets you both on a defensive, then you become competitive in the marriage. I’ve said many times that marriage is not a competitive sport. If someone is winning your marriage, you both lose. Dr. Leman: It really comes back to a word that people really don’t like. In fact, I love the time I was speaking at Women of Faith in Las Vegas with 10,000 women in a round and I just said to them, “I’ve chosen as a topic this evening how to be a submissive woman.” Oh, man, it was so much fun to say that. I mean, they all looked at me like, “You’re a dead man.” Dr. Leman: The reality is if you want to be a couple, if you really want oneness, which is the foundation of what we’re talking about today, how to keep your kids from misbehaving before it starts, be a couple, have oneness. Submit to who? To almighty God. Trust Him in all things. In doing so, by not sharing judgments, by sharing feelings, you will be drawn together and you will form a union that cannot be penetrated by the enemy. A reminder, the enemy are your children. You’re the one that brought the Trojan horse in your home, okay? Just to put a little humor on it. Dr. Leman: This is workable. This is workable. This is a good podcast. I hope people will take this podcast and call their buddies and say, “Hey, listen to this, this is pretty good,” because this is one of the better ones I think we’ve ever done. Doug: Well, and I feel like if you’re listening to this, you’re like, “Wow, guys, give me something super practical that I can execute on,” and I’m like, “I don’t know how more clear we can say this. This is the most important first step, is get on the same page with your spouse.” Doug: The thing I like about this new book is as a male, I’m the male, right, is that it’s super easy to read and it’s like there is super practical, there’s like “the seven stages of this” and “the four steps of this” and “the four ways you do this,” so that it’s for someone’s brain like mine that likes things actually sequential, I’m like, “Oh, okay. Great. I see how this goes,” so that then you and I can be on the same page. Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. Doug, let’s, in full disclosure, tell our listeners that Doug, he just said, is a man. I just want to point out the guy drinks tea, okay? He is a Renaissance man. Doug: Hey, it’s strong tea. Back off. Dr. Leman: He’s a Renaissance man. He drinks tea. He likes the theater. He’s a reader and yet he’s a people person. I love the guy. She got a good… I told her. She called me one day, she said, “Dr. Leman, should I dump Doug?” I said, “Dump him? You kidding me? He’s a winner. You want to hang on to him. You could put him on eBay. You could get thousands for him.” Andrea: I decided to hang on to him, yep, for this many years. Doug: Thanks, Leman. Thanks, Leman. You- Dr. Leman: Oh, good choice. Andrea: I’ll just keep mine and his tea. Doug: … Yeah, usually. Oh, man. Going to the theater with my daughters is so fun. Okay, Andrea, help us get back on track. That’s your job. Okay. Doug: Before I forget, I want to make sure that you get a chance to go get the book, The Way of the Wise, between now and the end of April of 2020 for a dollar 99 wherever eBooks are sold, The Way of the Wise. Andrea has an Amazon review from Jane that you can get it for only a buck 99. Go ahead, Andrea. Andrea: “If you’re already familiar with Dr. Kevin Leman, you’ll love this book. If this is your introduction to his writing, you’re in for a treat. Leman takes some of Scripture’s greatest hits and weaves them together as a series of funny, warm, often inspiring stories. The result is a book that takes about 60 minutes to read, but one could lead to life-altering changes. This book is as entertaining as it is instructive thanks to the vignettes that pair so well with the verses Leman selects. It will cause you to ask yourself some tough questions and to challenge the notion that life just is the way it is. Open this book and you’ll open yourself to an opportunity for meaningful growth. I loved it. Jane.” Doug: Thanks, Jane. Jane. Get it between now and the end of April of 2020, The Way of the Wise for a dollar 99. Now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Parents, every day, you have an opportunity to comment not already on how your child looks on the outside. I know those kids are cute, downright adorable, quite frankly. I know at our schools, I love to just watch the children in the natural state: just playing, smiling, laughing, giggling. They’re beautiful. But how many times a day you notice that they’re beautiful on the inside? Dr. Leman: When those kids say things that are kind and encouraging to others, don’t miss the opportunity to pull that child aside and say, “Honey, when you had your little girlfriend over this afternoon and you were doing your little playdate, I couldn’t help but overhear what you said to her and I thought what you said to her was really kind. You were really talking about the good qualities that she has. No wonder you like her as a friend. I’m really proud of the fact that you can choose good friends, but you know what? It’s really important for all of us to look inside, because beauty sometimes can be hidden and when we see beauty in someone we should comment on it.” That’s a great way to encouraging everybody in life. Andrea: Dr. Leman, you can give us a whole bunch of things that we create situations so they misbehave and we talked about being on the same page. The one that really sparked my mind was taking time for training and building a routine and a schedule into their life. I’m curious why having a schedule is so important for that small child. Dr. Leman: Well, children get security from the mundane, from the predictable. Now, if you don’t think that’s true, ask a parent who’s lost their child’s favorite binky. I’m telling you, there’s stories where people traveled 30 miles to find the store that carried the same kind of binky because a child just a few months old knows the difference between their favorite binky, which was lost and we have no idea where it went, it could have gone down the toilet for all we know. I’m just telling you that routine gives confidence and security, warmth, a feeling of closeness. You don’t want to get kids off scheduled. Dr. Leman: All you mommies, listen to me, you’re traveling. You’ve got to go to your in-laws, which quite frankly, is not one of your favorite trips, okay, but you have to go because you’re trying to honor your husband and to tell the truth, he is not real happy to go either. You know those situations. When you travel and you get your kids out of sync, what kind of behavior can you expect? Doug: Well, not to go back to, since we’ve been talking more about parents, you’ve said “One of the most important things is that parents are predictable, that the kids know how you’re going to behave.” This is where having a game plan, having an idea of how you want to parent instead of just making it up on the fly is gold, honestly. Even if it’s a little different, it’s way better because then our kids don’t have to guess what’s going to happen. This is why I think reading any of these books are amazing to help you out. Andrea: Going back to the schedule thing, if I had a child that had no routine in their early life and as they get older and reach their adolescent years, how does it affect them if their life has just been chaos all growing up? Dr. Leman: Well, a good guess, and this is a guess, Andrea, but a good guess would be that that kid will be all over the place. He or she will run from pillar to post, just looking for the next new excitement. These are kids that tend to find it difficult just to sit and enjoy something quietly. They’re kids that run from pillar to post. Doug: Okay, well, we really got to the foundation of how to stop misbehavior before it starts and at the same time, we never got to talk about the four stages of misbehavior. Andrea: The four stages. Dr. Leman: No, no, no. Doug: We’re totally out of time. We’re totally out of time. Dr. Leman: Yeah, we’re not talking about them either because guess what? Doug: What? Dr. Leman: If you really want to dig into this, you’re going to have to get a copy of, guess what, Why Your Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It. Doug: True. Dr. Leman: There’s a genius to this podcast, in a way. We’ve whetted your whistle and then some. Now, you need to follow through and pick up a copy of that book because that will help you sew all these ideas together and give you a great game plan. Doug: Well, this is why I don’t like you because Andrea and I think we know what you’re supposed to talk about and then you are like, “You’ve skipped over like three steps to get to there,” and then it’s always like, “Oh, yeah, that is more foundational, huh, Andrea?” Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Well, let me add one thing. Let me ask you guys a question. What do you think that Kevin Leman, that would be me, is going to have for breakfast this morning? Doug: Oh, I know. Toast. Andrea: Toast and coffee. Doug: Toast and coffee. Andrea: With jam on it. Doug: Yep. Dr. Leman: All right, that’s just my early… I got up at 4:30 this morning and as we’re doing this right now, it’s about 6:55 in the morning. When I get up, I take medicine. I take a little something and you’re right, I’ll have a little English muffin with a little jam on it, well, a lot of jam on it. But when I go out for breakfast, I will have two eggs over medium, hash browns, bacon lightly done, please, and dry whole-wheat toast or nine-grain toast and a cup of coffee. I’ll have that today. I’ll have that tomorrow. Dr. Leman: When I traveled to Europe last year and you go to breakfast in Europe, I don’t get it. I mean, there’s fish, there’s cheeses, there’s slices of ham, turkey. I never did see a hash brown all the time I was in Spain or Germany, for that matter, and I felt like a fish out of water. I was out of my comfort zone. Everybody’s not a creature of habit like I am. Men tend to be much more creatures of habit than women do. Now, that’s a wide brush. Again, all women are not the same. All men are not the same. Dr. Leman: My point is when you get that fish out of their environment, they’re going to be a little uncomfortable. With kids, when you get them out of a routine, just talk to any parent who’s three-year-old missed their nap, you tell me what dinner’s going to be like. I can tell you what it’s going to be like, it’s going to be pandemonium. Doug: This is the reason, Andrea, that I need so many kisses from you because it’s part of the routine. Andrea: Oh, because it’s part of the routine, huh? Doug: It’s part of the routine. This is why I need all of them. Otherwise, I just felt like a fish out of water and then I get all cranky and whiny. Andrea: Oh, I see. Doug: Alrighty. Thank you, Dr. Leman, again, for getting us back to the foundations of how to stop behavior before it starts. Andrea: What I’m seeing is it goes back to us as parents again. It’s always going back to us as parents and our parenting style. I like the phrase that Dr. Leman used couple of weeks ago on the podcast that it’s a vitamin D deficiency in your parenting. I know you refer to “vitamin E” and “vitamin N,” but I think just in general, that’s a really good phrase to remember: If the kids are getting off, how much of it is my vitamin deficiency in my parenting? Doug: And encourage all you parents, Dr. Leman has said “Your kids will quickly change when you change.” I’m telling you, we’ve seen it in our kids. When I’ve changed and my kids have said “Thank you for changing,” it can happen. Okay, get on the same page as parents. Get the same language, which is way more important than you think it is. If you don’t have the same parenting language, trust me. Wisely use your authority, listening, and learn how to give vitamin E, not vitamin P. Doug: A couple of wrap-up things that are kind of fun. Revell Baker are our friends and they have offered to give away a free Dr. Kevin Leman book this week. If you go to Dr. Leman’s Facebook, Dr. Kevin Leman, if you search for that, they are giving away, which is really fun, this week you can get, I’m telling you, one of the best books, Have a New Kid by Friday. Go there. They have a little contest for you. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m just happy that they’re giving books away. Doug: Secondly, you can get Way of the Wise between now and the end of April for a buck 99. Honestly, I can’t encourage you enough, if you have not read a Leman book or you have read one, to go get… Well, I guess you can’t get it yet, but in a couple of weeks you can get the new one, Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It, so you learn about the four stages of misbehavior, which we didn’t get to on this podcast. Doug: Well, we love being with you. We look forward to the next time that we get to hang out with you. It really is a joy for us. Thank you for joining us. Andrea: Have a great week giving vitamin E and N to your kids. Doug: And getting on the same page. Andrea: Yep. Doug: Alrighty. Well, take care. See you next time. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman! Listen in to find out how Dr. Leman give Ellen tips on how to defend against a “Teenage Punk Attitude Attack.”   **Special Offer– April 1 – 30: Way of the Wise ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Oh my baby boy’s and angel. And then he turned 14 and now he is got a teenage punk attitude. That’s the question that Ellen said, “Dr. Leman, how could this have happened to my angel baby boy?” And we get here, Dr. Leman’s answer today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening and I’m Andrea and we are so glad that you are with us today and it is a joy to be with you to add to that parenting toolbox. And I want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: So Dr. Leman, we get an audio question today, which I absolutely love. And everybody, you can go to birthorderguy.com and go to podcast questions and leave them there. Or if you don’t find that, you could also look at the various episodes you can go to birthorderguy.com/, like this one is 309 and at the bottom there’s a microphone and you can leave your question there. But today’s I love because she says, “My kid has a punk attitude.” So let us jump in to see what Ellen has to say. Ellen: Dr. Leman, I would like to know how to han … my oldest son who’s just always been so tenderhearted, kind, sweet, will talk to me and share his heart. Wants to always be a help, but he turned 13. Well, he’s going on 14 he’ll be 14 in a few months. But ever since he turned about the time he turned 13, maybe a little bit before, he’s gradually gotten worse with just an attitude in a, just a disrespectful instead of just kindly obeying, which I know kids don’t always obey perfectly all the time, but he can be really rude and say mean cutting things to me and I don’t quite know what to do and how to punish him for that. Ellen: How do you advise taking care of this teenage punk attitude, when I tell him, tell him things I want him to do or accomplish around the house and him saying, “You just want to make me miserable. You don’t want me to have any fun. You don’t want me to have any time.” Just saying just mean things and if I forget to do something that I told him that I would do and I maybe didn’t get around to it because I had taken care of his three younger brothers, said “You’re a liar, you told me you would do that,” just stuff like that, that’s just not really him or who he used to be anyway. And I don’t quite know what to do with it and how to handle it. I think he’s getting too old to necessarily spank and I just don’t know how to handle it. Dr. Leman: Well I appreciate that question. I don’t blame you for saying, “I don’t know how to handle it,” because you’ve been thrown a tremendous curve ball. You’ve got this sweet kid, he talks to you, you got a good relationship, all of a sudden at 13 there’s a beginning of a change and it’s gotten worse. And it’s gotten worse because you haven’t known what to do. And it’s a tough thing to do as a parent. The things that he says and his snarky punk attitude probably makes you feel like second guessing yourself and, “What have I created?” And, “Is this my fault?” And those are questions that go through a woman’s head. And again, it’s a very special relationship between a mommy and a son, so I can see why you’re feeling the way you are. But his cutting remarks, his meanness, his disrespectful attitude are a product of a couple of things. Dr. Leman: First of all, he’s going through a growth period in his life where hormones are changing. He’s physically changing. He has gone from a little boy into a young man. And I think part of what’s going on, he’s sort of sorting out, are the things that mom has taught me about life, are they true? He’s trying to figure out where he fits in. I mean, ask everybody who’s got a kid 13 or 14, ask yourself this question. Who would your child like to be? That’s the question, I want you all to answer it in your mind. Okay? You got an answer? Let me give you my answer. Anybody but him or her. It’s that time where the identity of who they are is being challenged by themselves. They’re trying to figure it all out. Dr. Leman: I wrote a book once called Running the Rapids and I like the title because if you’ve ever been in a little float boat of sorts and gone through rapids, you know that before the rapids there’s this wonderful calm water and you’re just sitting in your little two-man floater and you’re enjoying the picturesque surroundings. It’s peaceful and quiet. Well that’s sort of a word picture of your son before his 13th birthday. Things were sailing along fine and all of a sudden you get in the rapids and man, you’re hanging on, you’re, you’re a white knuckling it and then you hit the calm again. Dr. Leman: And so kids at that age, “Mom, what are we having for dinner?” “Chicken.” “Chicken, you know I hate chicken, I hate chicken.” And you’re thinking, “Wait a minute, four nights ago the kid had six pieces of chicken. I was wanting to know where he was putting it. Certainly couldn’t be in his stomach.” But see, they’re extreme at that point. “You never let me do this.” In fact, I’m quoting you, “You just want to make me miserable.” Now to be practical with you, the next time he says, “You just want to make me miserable,” just look at him and say, “Wow, bingo. You guessed it. I was put on this earth to make your life miserable.” This is progress. Okay? Dr. Leman: His snarkiness, his inability to do simple things you ask, now you’re asking me, “Hey, I don’t know what to do about it,” and I’m beginning to tell you what to do about it. When things aren’t done, one of the principles is, B doesn’t start until A gets completed. If you drive that kid to school, for example, and he hasn’t done something the day before or the night of, the next morning, don’t be moving. Be sitting there looking at your computer. “Mom, we got to go.” “Go where?” “Mom? What are you talking about? I got to be the school. It’s 10 to eight. We got to leave.” “Honey, I see you haven’t done your work from last night yet.” Now, what you said is, “I see you haven’t done your work from last night yet.” Now again, he’s going to get mad, he’s going to be like a fish on a dock. He’s going to be flopping around. He’s doing something very unnatural because you’ve throw him a curve ball. But you’re going to stick to your guns and you’re not driving him to school until that work gets done. Dr. Leman: “Well, Dr. Leman, he’s going to be an hour late for school.” So be it, but email the school or call the school and tell them he’s going to be late and ask that assistant principal to haul him in to the office and say, “Hey, what gives?” And tell them, tell the principal he has no reason to be late for school. It’s an unexcused absence. Let them deal with it they want to. Keep the tennis ball life in his court. Dr. Leman: And so don’t feel like you have to do anything for this 14 year old kid. I think what you’re seeing is normal behavior. It’s not respectful behavior, but it’s normal for a lot of kids who are going through this sorting out process of adolescence. But my only caution would be if you see in your kid’s behavior a change in friends, a drastic change in dress, grades that just fall off the table, cutting school, antisocial things, any sign of cutting or anything like that. If you don’t see that, then I would write this off as, “Hey, welcome to the rocky rapids of adolescence.” And you’ll have some rough spots, but you’ll hit the calm. You’ll hear, “Mom, I love you,” and you’re going to hear, “Mom, you’re the worst mom that could ever be here. You’re trying to make my life miserable.” So don’t overreact. Learn to respond, walk out, get away, take care of yourself, but don’t take any guff. Don’t take any lip from him at all. So if he’s disrespectful, B doesn’t happen until A gets completed. Well, what’s A in that situation? He needs to come around without your urging and apologize to you. So that’s starters. Now we’ll go to our resident parents and see what they seem to think on this one. Doug: So Dr. Leman, on the last podcast, we were asking, how do I know when it’s misbehavior and when it’s just something else? And I think for a lot of parents we want to excuse bad behavior as something else. So in this question, I think, for me I’m like, how do I know when this 14 year old boy has crossed this line that it’s not just, “I’m changing and all that.” Dr. Leman: The etiology of this, okay, comes from adolescence. He’s undergoing all kinds of physical and emotional changes in his life. So there is a reason for the behavior. But here’s what I want people to hear. That’s not an excuse to bad-mouth his mother or be disrespectful to his mother or rude to his mother. So you still deal with the behavior, the rudeness, the snarkiness, whatever it is, the disrespect. You still deal with that, even though you realize that the basis of this behavior is probably physiological, hormonal to a large degree. So what I’m saying, you still don’t accept the behavior. Doug: So, I just can’t, I’ll be honest, I don’t think nowadays parents could do that. What I mean by that is wait, wait, wait, if it’s because he’s becoming a teenager, there’s my reason and excuse to let it happen. And I just figure, “Okay, that’s the teenage years and it’ll work itself out eventually.” But you’re telling me no, no, no, you deal with the disrespect and the snarky. Why would I? Dr. Leman: Well, 14 to 25 is a long time, Doug, so you’re not going to tolerate it. You’re going to deal with the behavior. Doug: Ah, then it’s not just going to change as he gets out of the teenage years, this snarky and how he treats mom and disrespects her. Dr. Leman: In all probability, since this kid had a good relationship with his mom, a closeness to his mom, he’s probably going to end up a great son. But you still don’t excuse the behavior because he’s a pubescent or an adolescent. Doug: Yeah. To add to that, since we’ve changed our parenting style from me being super-authoritarian and Andrea being permissive, now that we have, our son’s been gone for three years serving abroad and had some really hard things happen to him, and he had to lead other kids, actually. He’s come back and said, “Mom and dad, when you confronted me, when you dealt with these issues, I didn’t like it at the time, but now I appreciate it more than ever.” And he is way hanging out with us. Right Andrea? Andrea: Very much so. Yeah. Dr. Leman: Brag about your kid for just a minute, because I think it’s important for people to see that when kids go away, and two of your kids are doing some extraordinary things right now, and they get to meet other kids and they hear other kids’ stories about their own families, for example. “Wow. These old people, Doug and Andrea, their stock just went sky high.” It’s like gold prices. Doug: Well, and that was my point is by us not sweeping this under the carpet when he was a teenager at our house, and it was uncomfortable at times and difficult, we have reaped the rewards now. Wouldn’t you say Andrea? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Doug: Yeah, I mean, it’s crazy. The great, wonderful, deep, connected conversations we have with our kids now, both of them, because of those hard conversations. And yet in love, we did it. So this is where I think you’re the one that wanted to bring up the question last week. What is misbehaving and what is expectations? Which is why I think your new book is so good. Why Do Kids Misbehave and What You’re Supposed to do About it. And this is what you have given the gift to Andrea and Doug Terpening is we’re able to see now what was misbehaving in our teenagers and what was just allowing us to ignore it and let it go by and to not power up and get in their sails. Doug: And again, this book is so easy to read that you should get it. So. Okay for those that want, you should go buy that book on May 5th, Why Your Kids Misbehave, so that you don’t end up in these kinds of situations and can have great kids. But for today you can get The Way of the Wise for $1.99 Between now and April 30th of 2020. Dr. Leman, what is the book The Way of the Wise about? Dr. Leman: Well, I always say books are like kids, they’re all different. But this is one of my favorite kids. There was a guy named King Solomon who was the brightest, smartest, wisest king of all. And in the Book of Proverbs, Proverbs three, I love that little chapter. And in a few verses I pulled 10 little principles for living life well. And it’s a book that I would suggest, okay parents, if you have a kid, a teenager, a college student, this is a great book for an adult, but it’s a great book for those kids that are sorting things out now, and trying to figure out what life’s all about, and is what I learned in church and Sunday school true? And what mom has taught me, is it true? All those things are going on. Dr. Leman: This is a wonderful little book. It’s an inspirational book. It’s very auto-biographical. It’s part of my coming to faith and, again, remember I was a guy that didn’t want anything to do with God. I mean my mom dragged me to church, but I had no relationship with God and I think it’s a fun look at serious issues and I’ll give you one little tidbit. The scripture says. “And He will direct your paths.” I like to point out to the reader that it doesn’t say path, singular, it’s plural. Your paths. You and Andrea have not had just one path in life. You’ve had multiple paths in life. We all do. And it’s a book that makes you really sort of rethink where you are in faith. Dr. Leman: It’s a great book to give to someone who’s struggling with faith, but it’s one of my little favorites. When I go to a church and I do church weekends. In fact, I had somebody ask me yesterday, “Well, with your busy schedule, do you have time to do?” And this is a lady who lives in Chicago. I said, “Listen, talk to people in your church, have them call Debbie, my assistant, and I’ll come running to your church.” I love doing church weekends. But when I go to that church I go on a Sunday morning, my preference is to start the conference by having me speak in church. And those guys that are sort of on the outside looking in in they’re not sure where they are, they figured out real quickly that I’m not a stiff. Because that sermon’s going to be alive. Dr. Leman: But it’s based on this little book, The Way of the Wise. And I can always tell by the book table how that message is received. And whenever I bring The Way of the Wise to a seminar, they’re cleaned out, they’re cleaned out before the seminar kicks in half the time. I can hardly keep that book in stock. It’s a good little book. So I can’t tell you enough. You can download that, what is it? $1.99, is that what it is? Doug: $1.99 between now and the end of April of 2020. Dr. Leman: Oh Boy, yeah. We’ll do it. Doug: So get it before it’s gone. You only got a couple of weeks, so go for it. So now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Okay, this one’s going to hurt. Perfectionism is slow suicide. Some of you parents are perfectionistic, you know who you are. You worry, you even put your own efforts down even when they’re pretty good because there’s one flaw in the project or the thing that you’ve made or the entertaining you did. That critical eye can just defeat you, but worse than that, it can defeat everybody around you. So rather than look for the negative, if you’re one of those people, just try to catch yourself. Catch yourself from commenting on the one thing that’s a little out of shape or a little out of line or a little off, and concentrate on what your son or daughter has achieved. Learn to say things like, “Nice job, good job. Honey, it looks like all that time you put into that project’s really paying off. Congratulations.” Watch that negative eye. I’m telling you, it spawns negativity in your child all the way down the line. Andrea: Okay. So Dr. Leman, back to Ellen, if she is able to kind of change how she’s treating her son at this point, how long will it take for her to see a change in his attitude? Dr. Leman: There’s almost a one-to-one relationship, Andrea, between when she starts doing things differently. Again, I don’t know, maybe Ellen’s a single mom, I don’t know. If she is, we didn’t mention other kids in the family. Maybe she’s a single mom with one child. Andrea: I think she said she has three other boys under him. Dr. Leman: Oh, under him. So he’s the oldest. Okay. Andrea: So this is top of four boys, yeah. Dr. Leman: So more reason to contain his behavior by healthy responses. Okay. And so as she gets her little game plan together, she has to realize that he has been pushing the buttons, literally her buttons. And he’s making her feel guilty. He’s working her. And when she begins to change, that behavior can change literally in 48 hours. Is it all going to go away in 48 hours? No, but he’s going to start looking at mom a little differently and he’s going to be a lot more thoughtful about what comes out of his mouth, because he’s going to figure out real quickly this isn’t working for me. Andrea: That’s great. That gives her hope and a lot of other parents out there hope to know that if I can change how I’m reacting to responding, then I can- Dr. Leman: Let me give you one more little gem, and that is A, Ellen you have solid gold in your purse, in your pocket, so to speak. Your 14 year old can’t do one thing without your permission. He can’t engage in sports without your signature. There’s so many things, that parents need to understand, you do have authority. Exercise your authority. Keep that simple premise in mind that B does not start until A is completed. And that’ll help that transition, that your son will see that, “Uh oh,” all of a sudden mom’s changing and he has to change. Again, there’s a one-to-one relationship. Kids do not stay the same if you do major changing. Doug: Yep. That is truer than true. So Dr. Leman, I am really excited about the new book. I’ve talked about it a bunch already. I’m going to keep talking about it because it’s such a good book. How would that book, Why Your Kid Misbehaves–and What to do About it, how would that help Ellen? How would that new book help her? Dr. Leman: Well, it’ll give her the understanding that there’s actual reasons for the misbehavior that’s going on. Okay? It gives her a game plan where she figures out, “Okay, this kid now is exerting powerful behavior. So I have to do these things that are enumerated in the book consistently and I can expect to see change almost momentarily.” That’s a pretty good promise. If somebody promised me that and I had a kid like that, I’d be on that book immediately. Doug: So again, for all the parents that are out there, for those of you that have never read a Dr. Leman book, I’m just telling you, go get this one. The concepts are so simple. The book is so easy to read. And I’ll say it because I know it’s true, the confidence that it gave you and I to change our behaviors, what we needed more than anything else. And we had to read a couple of them and we had to talk to Dr. Leman a whole bunch of times to get it. So if you’ve only read one Dr. Leman book and you’re like, “Well, I don’t know if I need another one?” I’m telling you, you do. Because it just gives you that deeper confidence to know what you’re supposed to do. So, and it’s a great book. It comes out in May 5th of 2020 and go and get it. So, Why Your Kids Misbehave–and What to Do about It. So you can be confident and love those kids as every mother just wants to love those little babies and kiss those cheeks. It gives you the confidence on how to do that. Doug: So. Well, we look forward to the next time we get to be with you, and we love being with you so much and we hope that you are adding to your parenting toolbox so you can love them kids. Andrea: Thanks Ellen for your great question and have a good week. Doug: Take care. Bye bye. Andrea: Bye bye.

What does real misbehavior look like over your own expectations of how your kids should act? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman dives into how reality discipline can help any parenting situation.   **Special Offer– April 1 – 30: Way of the Wise ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Andrea: Is this child misbehaving or are they just being a curious child, or are they actually responding to who they are and my expectations are wrong? This is what I want to know. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today on Have a New Kid by Friday, as we figure out, is that kid a misbehaving kid or not? Well, if this happens to be your first time here, welcome and you are allowed to misbehave as you listen to this podcast. Maybe that’s not true. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t give you that freedom, but I’m going to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only, and if any of this content gives you any concerns, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, I am excited to talk about this Dr. Leman, to find out if it’s misbehavior or wrong expectations, because I’ve been telling Andrea for years. I’m not misbehaving, I’m not bad, she just has wrong expectations of me, right honey? Isn’t that what it is? Andrea: I thought we were talking about kids now. Doug: Oh, oops, we’re going to talk about kids today. Andrea: Although, Dr. Leman has said that your husband is a three year old- Doug: Is a four year old. Andrea: Four year old. Yeah, that shaves? Doug: That shaves and seeking attention. Okay. So we- Andrea: I wasn’t thinking of you when this question came in my head. Doug: Well, I’m just glad that Dr. Leman’s going to vindicate that I’m not misbehaving. Dr. Leman help us out, how do we know? Dr. Leman: Well, this is interesting because as you are posing that question Andrea, I was thinking about Mrs. Upington, who has said to me more than a few times in our marriage. She says things like, “Lemy, would you behave yourself? Sometimes our husbands, a lady will say, well I’ve got three kids, well actually four if I include my husband. Some of us as husbands certainly misbehave. Will my newest book Why Your Kids Misbehave – and What to Do about It help you with your husband. Probably not. There’s other books like Have a New Husband by Friday, that one will help you or any of my marriage books will help you with husbands. But since we’re talking about kids, I think we’ve got to just face the fact that kids are kids, you know? That’s why God gave kids parents to help guide kids in a positive, good direction. Dr. Leman: I mean, kids are kids to put it bluntly, they’re dumb as mud sometimes. A youngster, for example, you mentioned curiosity. A three year old could take a very expensive vase or bowl of glass or something that really has value and they could pick it up and just drop it on the floor just to hear that wonderful shattering sound. I mean, it’s trial and error as they go through life. And so kids get to a point of accountability where they understand that you don’t just pick up a bass and throw it on the floor, but kids are kids they’re going to do stupid dumb things. They’re going to do stupid dumb things when they’re 16, 17 years of age. Now if you don’t believe that’s true. Have a nice, honest conversation with your Geico person, your progressive person, your state farm person who did I leave out your farmers person and they’ll tell you, explain to you why you pay such high rates for your 16 year old daughter or son to drive the family car. Dr. Leman: Again, I think that what happens in families is we have parents who really believed that kids ought to just be little mannequins, that they ought to fall in line and do everything mommy and daddy say, well, if that’s true, if that’s the thinking. Those parents came out of authoritarian training as most of us did as parents, okay. Some of the younger parents today had very permissive parents, okay. But the great majority of parents today still came out of semi-authoritarian families. And that gets us to the point that Andrea brought up is wait a minute, is this unrealistic expectations I have for my kids? Yes. Many of us have very unrealistic expectations for our kids. One of the things that people have said to me over the years of my career, they’ve said things like, Oh, are you going to analyze me? Anybody that knows me knows I’m not an analytical person. Dr. Leman: I take people for what they are. I’m not afraid to show my flaws to other people. I’m a relational guy. I guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes we try to overanalyze our children and play armchair shrink with our kid and the brand new book I put out. The reason why I like it so much is it gives you an opportunity by just looking at your own feelings, parent. To decipher at what level of misbehavior your kid is misbehaving at. If you feel annoyed by the kid’s behavior, he or she is an attention getter. If you feel provoked, you have a powerful child on your hands. A kid misbehaves and the question is, is he misbehaving or is this isolated, just kid kind of immaturity. And I always ask the parent, well, wait a minute. Tell me, is there a trend? Are you always feeling provoked? Dr. Leman: Are you always feeling frustrated by this son or daughter? If that’s the case, you’re a great candidate to read Why Your Kids Misbehave – and What to Do about It. But kids are kids, they’re going to do and say stupid things. Is there a way of handling those things without making it worse? Yes. One of my favorite expressions is remove your sails from the child’s wind. I mean, simple things. I mean, mom, where’s my shoes? I can’t find my shoes. And it’s getting crunch time, the school buses going to be there in a minute and a simple honey, I haven’t worn your shoes this week, once. Just a statement like that says, wait a minute, I’m not getting sucked into this. I’m not going to go through all the dog and pony show we normally do. Where my kid ends up getting more frustrated by me trying to quote help them. Dr. Leman: Now, if the kid doesn’t know where his shoes are, you tell me you’re in the kitchen and he’s yelling from the hallway, how are you going to help your kid find those shoes? You’re not and they’re not your shoes. It’s not your job to find the shoes. Just come up with something glib like, honey, I haven’t worn your shoes all week, and you’re better off there than going through the dog and pony show about honey, where did you take them off? Oh, there’s a smart question. Where did you take them off? Now if your son or daughter knew that, they wouldn’t be asking the question, mom, where’s my shoes? But those are the kinds of games that kids literally create in a very natural way of how to engage us in their battles a life. And I’m reminding you that we’re not really rearing a kid, we’re rearing a potential adult someday. Let the kid figure out where his shoes are. they’ll find them eventually. Maybe they’re in the garage. I have no idea. Doug: Dr. Leman question for you and somewhat for you too, Andrea, that the way you described it about the shoes, it’s a pretty common occurrence, even in the Terpening household. How do we allow ourselves to get sucked into that? Like, Oh, okay, I’ll go start looking for your shoes for you now. Like what? Why is that so common now? Dr. Leman: All right, now listen, what you just said is golden. A kid yells from the hallway, mom, where’s my shoes? Honey. I haven’t worn your shoes this week, but I’m going to start looking for them. Now am I saying you’re going to leave the kitchen and go on the hunt for the shoes? No, I’m not. I’m just going to say you’re going to say to your kid, okay, I’m looking for them. Which means you’re just looking around the kitchen to see if they happen to be on the floor of The kitchen, in other words, did not engage. We engage because we’ve been trained by them to be engaged. And if you look at your parent, parent, what did you say to your mom and dad? Did you not ask them where your shoes were, or where your homework was, or where your book was, or whatever. It’s a tried and true way of trying to get your parents to solve your problems, and in traditional America we played that game for years, and I’ve said many times that we tend to say things to our kids that we’ve told ourselves we’ll never say to our kids. Dr. Leman: Don’t poke your eye out. How many parents have said to their kid, don’t poke your eye out. Now everybody, I’m serious. Just for a second here please, is there anybody in our listening podcast audience who have witnessed a kid poke his eye out, write to us if you have. I haven’t met one yet and yet that’s a conversation that happens in millions of homes across North America and around the world. Well, why do we do that? We do that because we were trained, okay. Honey, eat your cereal, it’s good for you. Eat it and I’ll put extra sugar. Eat it, and I’ll give you a dollar. Eat it. And we have this whole reward banter back and forth where somehow we’re accountable as a parent for being the orchestrator of a kid eating his oatmeal. And as we pointed out on many a podcast, let the reality of the situation become a teacher to the child. If the kid chooses not to eat his oatmeal, he experiences some hunger and he’s going to be real hungry at school. He’s going to eat a big lunch or maybe even bum some food off his friends. Dr. Leman: But the experience of not eating leads to hunger, which is a very natural thing. Let the situation be the teacher to the child. Doug: Andrea, you’re the resident mother here. Andrea: Yep. Doug: Why do you think it’s so easy for you to be drawn into dropping what you’re doing? Get out of your chair, go down the hallway and start looking for shoes for kids. Like what is it about that that just naturally sucks you in, do you think? Andrea: It’s probably easier than listening to them whine and complain about not being able to find something. Doug: And you just want them to be quiet and move on, and go back to what you were doing? Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Okay, so the question is, if she goes and starts looking, does she increase the probability of dependence or independence? Andrea: Oh, we all know the answer, they’re going to- Doug: Be more independent. Andrea: Yes. Doug: And they are going to need mother less. Andrea: Yes. Next time they’re going to look where I looked and they’ll find them. Dr. Leman: I mean just think of things a little, honey, I’ll look outside, okay. You live in the snowbelt. I’ll look outside, honey. I mean, have some fun with it. I mean, kids have all kinds of ways of sucking us in and they use us. And parents, you weren’t created to be used by your kids. I’m always reminding mommy’s, I’m big on mommy’s and sons and daddies and daughters and these sons can work a mom pretty good. I still remember and I actually believed this as a kid that when my mother made the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, okay. It tasted better than if I made it. And she would always make a clean cut on that bread. She’d cut it diagonally, okay. And whenever I cut it, it seemed like the edge is ripped the wrong way and it looked sort of raggedy. Dr. Leman: I still remember, in fact, I made myself some tomato soup the other day. Campbell’s tomato soup, okay. And I had a flashback of when I was a little boy, my mother would put a little bit of butter on top of the tomato soup and it would spread out like oil on water kind of thing. And I still remember how good that tasted. Well, Hey, I’m on social security and I put that butter on just to remind me of, I think that pleasant, euphoric feeling of closeness to my mom and how special she was in my life and anybody that knows me knows that my mom was certainly the person who put that indelible imprint on my life. Again, just be aware parents, okay. Dr. Leman: All of you who are [posi-pleasers 00:00:13:11], like our resident mother here, Ms Andrea, mother of four, it’s sort of your nature. You get sucked in by your heart, you pushed to give these little kids lives. And those of you who have gone through adoption, you fell in love with those kids the moment they came into your home, whether they were an infant or a year and a half years of age, whatever. They are kids and mommy’s tend to be across the board better nurturers than dads. Now I’ll get a nasty email on that one, but I’m just telling you across the board, mommy’s are nurturers to a higher degree than dads are. Doug: Okay. When I come back, I have a funny story to tell you about what happened this weekend, to accentuate what you just said. But I want to make sure I get this in the eBook that is available for an incredible deal and Dr. Leman will tell you this is one of the books. Again, if there’s one of the top five books you should read by Dr. Leman, this is one of them. And between now and April 30th of 2020 The Way of the Wise is available for $1,99 wherever eBooks are sold for only a buck ninety-nine, and we have an Amazon review from Carmen about what she thought about the book. Andrea: Carmen says if you want to read a life changing book and in a tight little easy to read package one that even those who don’t like to read will be sucked into and won’t be able to put down. It’s Dr. Kevin Leman’s The Way of the Wise. Three friends and I read it over a weekend and met for coffee to discuss it. We all look at faith, and God from varied perspectives, but in this book we found common ground and intriguing discussion, no matter where you are in your life journey. This wonderful book indeed provides simple truths for living well and a doable roadmap for getting there. I’ll be passing it on to everyone I know. Doug: Go get it now, The Way of the Wise for $1,99 between now and April 30th of 2020 and now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Okay parents, I’m going to give you a golden nugget and you can tuck it in your back pocket. Your kid asks for something that’s just downright outrageous. I mean, it’s a car when they’re 16, or it’s a pony when they’re 12, or a trip to Europe and you are a family of simple means, rather than just slam dunk the kid’s idea. Here’s a principle for you to think about grant in fantasy, which you can’t in reality. Wow, wouldn’t it be great to have your own pony, or own horse? Wouldn’t it be great to take a trip to the Swiss Alps? Oh my goodness. I know how you love those skiers racing down the mountains on TV. And I love that too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could go? Usually a kid will come back with an answer. Yeah, but we can’t afford that much money to fly way over there. Dr. Leman: Again, kid asked to go to a rock concert. He’s 16 years old, it’s a $90 ticket. Yeah, you can shut them down real quick by saying, Hey, we’re not spending our hard earned money to send you to some rock concert, 45 miles away. That’s one way of handling it, but it’s not a good way to handle it. A good way to handle it. Wow. You’re willing to pay that kind of money. Hey, could you download some of their music? I’d love to hear it. That shows interest in your kid. Remember, parents, you need to move toward your kids. Your kids, quite frankly, don’t move toward you, so grant in fantasy, which you can’t in reality. Pull that one out and use it, it will work. Doug: Dr. Leman, we celebrated my birthday this weekend and I’m not making this up. I asked my kids for a picture of a memory that they have with us and one of my daughters who is the older one, I’m not going to name names, gave me a picture of her with this sly little like daughter look at her dad and she said, dad, I gave this to you because I know we have a special relationship and I know how to get you to do what I want you to do. Andrea: Can you believe that? She had her hand on his shoulder in the picture. Doug: Clearly it’s true what you’re saying, like she didn’t even unabashedly… I mean she’s an 18 year old and she’s like, I know how to make you dad get what I want. Isn’t that funny? Did she not say that Andrea? Andrea: She did say that. Doug: She did say that. For all those parents out who are wondering what is the first step in changing this mindset that we have of always running around, picking up our kids shoes and chasing after them. Is it that we sit down at the family table and we say, guys, listen, I’m done with this. Is it a mindset change? It’s a new posting on the wall. Mother is no longer available to help find shoes. What’s the first thing a parent can do? Dr. Leman: Well, again, I think you really have to assess the situation first of all, before you go off in the deep end. I would never want to do anything to take away anything from your relationship you have with your daughter, okay. And if she works you a little bit, you’re not going to hear me screaming, okay. They have to pull a rug out. But you know what if the kids are constantly using you, if they’re taking you for granted, if their behavior is such that you really want to pull your hair out, you’re really upset and it’s from all angles, okay. Dr. Leman: That’s where you have the blowout. That’s where you say, Hey, I’m done. That’s where before dinner and kids are arguing and you’re not getting help, that’s when you say, c’mon Doug, you and I are going out and you leave things, turn the stove off, let them fend for themselves and go out for dinner. And maybe even add a movie to it, so you’re gone for four hours and let them figure out that things are not well in the home. But see I’m not afraid to do that kind of stuff when I feel used and abused by people who are supposed to respect me and love me, so many times people jump off the deep end, they overreact and we’ve done a lot of teachings on, Hey, reaction’s never good, but you want to respond. Dr. Leman: And so really assess the situation before you go off and create a bigger problem. That’s really important to do, their kids we’ve said it so many times they’re going to say and do stupid things, but when there’s a pattern that just continues, then you have to do some rug pulling and that’s when you might sit down the next day after you left the kitchen quickly and went out for dinner or maybe added a movie to that and enjoyed yourself and let the little piggies enjoy their sty. Then maybe you have a family meeting the next day after dinner and say, listen, I just want you guys to know dad and I are very unhappy. And that’s how you start that conversation. We are very unhappy. The kids will pay attention. Doug: You know Andy and I just read your new book. We got a sneak preview of it, which is great on Why Your Kids Misbehave-and What to Do about It and in there you have the seven steps to reality discipline, and I’m sure it’s been in other books and I just have never seen it before or remember seeing it before. But I thought that layout for the concepts that you talk about reality discipline were so helpful to be able to be like, Oh here it is. It’s what I actually really like about this book a lot is that obviously we’ve read a bunch of them, but this book is so simple and gets to the core of these misbehaving issues and what to do about them. Why am I bringing this up? I’m like, as you’re talking about this do you blow it out and make it… You go on leave and have dinner or is it like this is the first step, where are we on the continuum? I thought those seven steps were excellent. It’s a great little book actually super easy to read. Dr. Leman: I underscore the word simple. Again, parents, this is not rocket science. You know the book, the Have a New Kid by Friday. Many times when I’m on television I’ll say I’ll tell you the truth this book is a scam and it gets people’s attention. And I’m telling you, when you’re doing an interview on network TV, you want to get people’s attention. That’ll get people’s attention. But I’ll come back with something very serious and that is, you could have a new kid by Wednesday. You don’t have to wait until Friday. Well in the book, I laid out a five day plan at the publisher’s request, but it could have been a two day plan because when you, parents make a decision to behave differently and to stop playing the dog and pony show that you’ve helped create and orchestrate, quite frankly, your kids will, I guarantee it, they will change their behavior and it can be as soon as 48 hours. Dr. Leman: Make sure you’re on the same page as parents and be clear, be an authority, not authoritarian, not permissive. And that is such a comfortable place to be because you can feel good about the things that you’re doing and you can feel like as a couple, as a family, we do have a port of call, we know where we’re going. And that gives confidence to kids that they can rely on parents who are consistent, they’re encouraging, they love us, they care about us. But guess what, they don’t take any crap from us to put it bluntly. Doug: Dr. Leman, going back to the original question, I just want to make sure I heard you correctly that when we are trying to assess is this real misbehavior or is this just something else? Is it that we are looking for patterns? Dr. Leman: Patterns, yeah. Doug: That this is a repeated patterns and two, I’m looking for how I react to it. Is that the right- Dr. Leman: Right. Doug: Is that the two steps? Dr. Leman: Well just assess your own feeling. Again, if you feel provoked. How can you do this to me? I’m going to rub your nose in that young man and that consistently is happening and you’ve got a powerful child on your hands. And again, this is a wonderful little book to deal with that there’s also a book called Parenting Your Powerful Child. I mean powerful children don’t always slam doors and make a lot of noise. Some powerful children on the outside are meek and mild. They’re quiet as a mouse. They don’t say much, but they’re stubborn as stubborn can be. Andrea: Where is the line between misbehaving and not misbehaving? And so you mentioned the powerful child will provoke you. If you’re just annoyed and that child is an attention getter, is that over the line of misbehaving or is that just kind of childlike behavior? Dr. Leman: Let’s just take attention getting because it’s so simple. If your kid is an attention getter and you feel annoyed, what you have to understand is there is a vitamin deficiency in your parenthood and by that I mean as a kid gets discouraged, he or she goes from positive attention getting to negative attention getting. And then the next level of misbehavior is powerful behavior. But the reason a kid moves from one level to another is they don’t get enough vitamin E in your home. As the discouragement heightens the behavior worsens. Andrea: Okay. That’s really helpful. I think we’re going to do a podcast in a couple of weeks on those four different stages. I’m excited to hear more about that because that was kind of like a little light going on in my head, so thank you. Doug: Good. Again parents, if you’re wondering misbehavior, wrong expectations, look for patterns, look for how you respond or how you feel about it. And then look if it is an attention getting attempt by your kids and then eventually I think we’re going to talk, well I don’t think we are. I don’t think we have enough time to talk about the power one in the coming weeks. On that note, in a month on May 5th Dr. Leman’s new book comes out. What is the title? Andrea: Why your child misbehaves and what to do about it? Doug: Yeah, why your kids misbehave and it’s not why your husbands, Andrea, misbehave. Andrea: Oh, I was going to read it and- Doug: No, it’s about your children. And is a great… If you have not read a Dr. Leman book before, this one is so easy to read, but it is so practical, like the seven steps to reality discipline the four ways of parenting. If you are struggling with these concepts buy the book when it comes out, read it and send me a thank you note. The other one I want to mention is The Way of the Wise, get it now for a buck ninety-nine between now and April 30th of 2020. We look forward to the next time we get be with you and help you on your parenting journey so that you can feel more confident. And I know I say it all the time, but I’m going to keep saying it. Go get Dr. Lehman’s book and have the confidence to know how to parent. And it’s so great. It’s so much more enjoyable parenting, it really nice. We look forward to the next time. We love being with you and [helped] again. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care.

It’s time to go back to the basics! Do you ask your kids questions or do you ask for their opinion? Do you feel like you’re talking at your kids and not to them? Today’s episode covers a simple but sometimes challenging aspect of parenting basics: “How to Have a Real Conversation with Your Kids.”   **Special Offer– March 1 – 31: Have a New Kid by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Hey Billy, how was your day? Billy: Fine. Doug: How’s your homework coming? Billy: Good. Doug: How was practice today? Billy: Good. Doug: How are you doing? Billy: Good. Doug: Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever played this game with your children, where you ask them all these questions and you’re begging them to have some sort of conversation with you, and what do you get? The infamous… Billy: Good. Doug: Well, we get to ask Dr. Leman today, how do we communicate with our kids in a way that is meaningful and helpful for both of us? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are with us. I really am so happy that you are here. Thank you for being here and if this happens to be your first time, I want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, I must confess, one of my pet peeves of parenting is when I ask any of my children, but especially there’s a certain one, they will go do something massive. I’ll be like, “Hey, how would that go?” I get the same answer, good. How the heck do we stop the, good, statements from our kids? Dr. Leman: Well, we start a pattern early in life with kids, where all we do is pepper them with questions, and kids get so tired of it. They just throw us a bone, so to speak. With grunts, a nod of the head, a shrug of the shoulders or it’s okay, fine, good, I don’t know. Dr. Leman: By the way, the classical, I don’t know, means I don’t want to tell you. Every time your kid tells you, I don’t know, just say to yourself, he or she doesn’t want to tell me. You might ask yourself why? Maybe because if they really told you how they felt, they would get a lecture from you that would go on for 15 minutes. There might be all kinds of reasons why a kid would say that. But, the point is that we establish these patterns where we do all the talking and kids do all the listening. Dr. Leman: Years ago, it was kids are to be seen and not heard. Now, I’m old enough to remember when parents were in authority over children, now children are in authority over parents, it seems like, but that’s a whole nother topic. But to answer your question, we create this scenario by just over-talking as parents. What you did, that little intro you did, Doug about, “How was your day?” “Fine.” “How is this…” That’s very typical, and then kids when get through that little drill, they disappear to some part of the home and they text all their buddies or they get on their cell phone and talk and they talk and they talk and they talk. Dr. Leman: It’s certainly not that they can’t talk, it’s they really don’t want to talk to you and they don’t want to answer your questions. As kids get older, the questions seem to them like an invasion of privacy. They’re only going to tell you what they think you want to hear. They’re not going to tell you what’s really going on. Keep in mind that your kids, you have three or four kids, you’re going to have one that’s going to be more talkative. I’ll ask the Terpenings. I want you guys to think about your four children, who is the talker in your family? Andrea: Got it. Doug: Number three. Andrea: Yep. Doug: Our number three can talk- Dr. Leman: Okay. Andrea: But, if he doesn’t want to talk, he won’t talk. Dr. Leman: Okay. She’s the more powerful one. You ever thought of that? Doug: Wow. Andrea: No. Dr. Leman: I’ll think about it. We don’t want you to comment on it. Okay. We got one kid who was a talker in the Terpening family. What kid is most likely not to tell you what’s going on? The non-talker. Are you in agreement? Andrea: Our number two. Doug: Our non-talker tells us nothing. Dr. Leman: I’m just saying to parents who are talking about getting your kids to talk to you, you just have to understand, some of the kids are naturally inclined not to talk. If we’ve got number… Is it number two child is a non-talker? Doug: Correct? Dr. Leman: Okay. That sets up on the birth order, number three comes along and is like a canary and a parrot combination. You can’t shut her up. You have to keep in mind that all kids are not going to respond the way you think they ought to respond, whatever that preconceived idea is, but one of the single best piece of advice I can give to a parent, try to get yourself out of the paradigm of always asking questions. Dr. Leman: With older kids, the simple asking a kid an opinion, will usually get a kid to talk, because kids have opinions. I’ve used this in marriage seminars for years, because so many times you’ll hear from women that my husband, he just shuts down. He’s not a talker. I get it. I understand why men do that, but I think if you’re smart ladies and you learn to say things like, “Honey, I’d love your opinion on this, what do you think?” He’ll talk your ear off. Andrea: What’s the power of asking their opinion? Dr. Leman: What’s the power in it? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dr. Leman: It doesn’t raise the defenses. The defenses come up when you ask a question in a man. His mind, what’s this about? What am I in trouble for? Kids just tire of us so quickly with questions. If you just don’t even try to implement the change if you’re listening, parents, to this and find this of interest to you, don’t start today, just take stock today of how many questions you ask your kids and how many of them are, assume your kid’s stupid. “Have you brushed your teeth yet?” Dr. Leman: All those little task oriented things we ask kids and you ask them every day on top of that. Again, to foster communication, getting into that kid’s mind by asking opinion will open up channels of communication. Simple statements you can make like, “Wow, you seem happy. Wow, you look like you had a rough day.” Don’t comment on it, walk away. It might be two hours later before your son or daughter comes in and says, “Hey dad, can I ask you something?” Now your kid’s asking you a question. But, I’m just saying, you got to be half shrink to raise a kid today, but just keep in mind that all these kids are not going to be talkers. Dr. Leman: Usually, you’re going to find that talker and that non-talker, just like in the Terpening family, they’re next to each other, because they see the role as filled of a non-talker, so somebody becomes the talk master. All kids are different. You get behind their eyes, see how they see life, try not to be too intrusive with your comments, and comments are okay. Like, “You seem happy. Wow, you had a good day, I’ll bet.” Don’t go further than that. Dr. Leman: Parents say, “Well, I feel very uncomfortable because when I pick up my kid from school, it’s just automatic.” Well, what would happen if you just smiled and just started driving home? “Well, I think we’d sit in silence all the way home.” Well, would that be the end of the world? I bet it wouldn’t happen a second or a third time. Doug: I want to go back to an experience that literally we just had last week, we were at a debate tournament with our kids and driving home. They were reliving things, and I started to say something and one of my kids said, “Dad, please don’t, I don’t want to hear criticism right now.” Doug: I was like, “Oh no.” It really got me thinking about this and I realized that I am a critic, and I have since that time been trying to lock up my critic. Are we all parents more critical than we realize towards our kids? Dr. Leman: I think so. I think we need to listen to ourselves sometimes. I think we have to have conversations with our kids that are brave enough to say, “Honey, I was just thinking about something silly, but I’d really like your opinion on.” If you could have a magic wand and you could change anything about your mom, what would it be? I’ll start with mom, okay? Because you’re asking the question and your kid comes up with something. Say, “Wow. That’s interesting. All right. Hey, let me get really brave and say, all right, now the magic wand’s on me. What would you like to see me do different in life?” “Well, I don’t know.” Dr. Leman: “No, I really want to know. Tell me. I promise you won’t get in trouble, you can say anything, I’d really want to know.” The kid tells you something. You say, “Oh, that’s something for me to really think about. I appreciate you sharing that with me.” That’s all. Dr. Leman: You want an authenticity in your talk with your kids. A lot of the stuff we’d say to the kids is just perfunctory stuff. I can say, “Have you got your homework? Did you get your notebook. Did you bring your tennis shoes, do you have your backpack, do you have your flute?” All those questions that we ask kids say essentially to a kid, I think you’re so stupid that you forgot your flute. You didn’t brush your teeth, you didn’t bring this and you didn’t bring that note that you have to give your teacher. Just listen to yourself a little bit, parents. Doug: The reason I ask that question is that you start off by saying that because we are so critical we will shut down our children. I was just thinking, we probably are way more critical towards our kids than we realize as well. What does this phrase mean, that I’ve [inaudible] questions are disrespectful? Why are questions disrespectful? Dr. Leman: Well, they can be disrespectful for sure. Again, I think when you ask a kid, “Have you got your flute? Have you got your saxophone?” It’s their saxophone, it’s their lesson, it’s Wednesday, they know they have lessons. We talk about decision making for kids, and the home ought to be a safe place where kids will learn, they need to learn, even if they go out the door without the flute or the saxophone, there’s going to be a consequence afterschool or in school for forgetting it. Dr. Leman: I know at our school, I’m in schools all the time. We have a little table in the lobby where parents can drop off a kid’s lunch and they do it, with great regularity. There are always a few lunches there that some kid forgot, well, they’re kids, they’re going to forget things. Is it best to run the lunch down to a kid? I don’t think so. Is that the end of the world if they do? No. Again, if you want to work toward training an adult and getting kids to be responsible, bailing them out is never a good thing. Doug: Okay. When we come back, I want to do a little role playing so that we can actually see these in action because I think they are so far outside our comfort zone. Before we do that, we have a new eBook from Baker Book or Baker Book has new book for you called The Way of the Wise for $1.99 between April 1 to April 31st of 2020, wherever eBooks are sold. The Way of the Wise for $1.99. Dr. Leman, what is the book, The Way of the Wise about? Dr. Leman: Well, I have to tell you that that is one of my all-time favorite books. It’s very auto-biographical. It’s taking a look at this guy named King Solomon, Proverbs 3: 1-6. This guy Solomon, you may not be familiar with him, but he was the smartest King of them all, the wisest king of them all. He imparted, in these six little verses in the book of Proverbs, some little nuggets. Dr. Leman: I took those six verses and I tried to apply them to our lives today in modern day western world. It’s a good book. It’s the book that usually if I’m invited to a church to do a seminar, I like to do a seminar that starts Sunday morning by me talking in church, and then Sunday night we’ll have a thing on marriage maybe, or the next morning, Monday morning, we’ll do something for stay at home moms or do a thing on leadership on the way of the shepherd with business people. Then Monday night do something on parenting. That’s the way I like to do it. Dr. Leman: But, the topic usually that I like to speak on the most on a Sunday morning is The Way of the Wise. I just think it’s one of the most powerful messages that a human being can receive from King Solomon, who was quite a guy. Dr. Leman: It’s a book well worth reading. It’s a great book to give to a kid who’s gone off to college, a young person that’s beginning to doubt their faith or people who struggle. It’s great book for adults as well. It’s a book that asks some interesting questions. I think it brings people closer to their maker if they read it and it’s a good book. Like I say, it’s one of my little favorites. You don’t like to admit that you have favorites, but with 64 books, you got to have some favorites and that’s one of them. Doug: You get The Way of the Wise, April 1 of 2020 to April 30th of 2020 for $1.99 wherever eBooks are sold. It’s a nice, easy to read, full of stuff book, highly, highly recommended. Now, a no-nonsense parenting moment from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: I remember my sixth birthday party, I got a bike, my first bike, and a kid gave me a parachute that shot up into the air. In true Kevin Leman style, first time I used it, it went wayward and I nailed a kid right in the eye, but here’s my question, when do you start birthday parties? Birthday parties today have become, it seems to me, a little over the top. Dr. Leman: I think family celebrations are best. When kids get a little older, age seven, eight, nine, yeah, there can be some parties there, but don’t spend $1,000 on your kid’s birthday party. Take things in stride, okay? Let those parties be special. Do they have to start that young? No, they don’t. It just depends on the size of your family, the circumstances you find yourself in. If you’re in a large family community and you’ve got cousins galore and aunts and uncles, a family celebration, I think is ideal. Dr. Leman: As they get older, they’re going to want to have some parties. They’re okay. But again, I think moderation. Most of the questions that I get asked, I could probably answer with, “Hey, do it in moderation.” That’d be my advice on birthday parties. Birthday gifts, they should be well thought out. Plastic stuff that’s made in China, I wouldn’t get real excited about. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman, let’s try and role play this so that people can see this in action. I’m a 16 year old, I was going to say girl, but that would be awkward. I’ll say I’m a 16 year old boy. I walk in the door from school and I just walk in, I go, do you even hear a huff out of me as I storm down the hallway and just go right to my room and shut my door. Then at dinner I sit down at dinner and I just go, “Huh.” Then I refuse to look at anybody. What would you say to me? Dr. Leman: Well, at the dinner table I’d probably just make an observation. The first thing I would say is, “We don’t have to talk about this, but I couldn’t help but notice, you really look like you were really ticked off when you came in the door and you’ve been very silent. Out of respect for you, I’m going to ask everybody in the family to back off, let you work through whatever you’re working through. But if and when you want to talk about whatever, and again, we don’t have to talk, I’m available and I think your mom is too. Isn’t that right, honey?” That’s how I’d handled it. Dr. Leman: What I’ve done, I’ve acknowledge his displeasure, the huff… You have to understand, the huff wasn’t just a natural Huff. It’s purpose of behavior. It’s a way of saying, I’m troubled by something. It’s really a temptation to see if my parent will say anything to me. If a parent does, the kid will blow the parent off. Isn’t that interesting? Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: I think it is. That was for your benefit to hear the huff and puff, for you to react. We’ve talked enough about the difference in reacting and responding. So, I’m going to wait. Since I got a little slam door when he went to his room, I know he’s ticked about something. You know your kids, parents. If that was number two child in your family, Doug and Andrea, would you react or respond differently than if it was number three child in your family? Doug: We would, absolutely. Dr. Leman: There’s wisdom, though, in just being quiet and acknowledging. Doug: Well, that’s what I was going to ask the resident mom here. You see your 16 year old hurting and upset and distraught at the dinner table. Are you just going to tell him, “Hey, everybody back off. I don’t need to know. If you want to talk, I’ll talk, but I don’t need to talk. Could you do that?” Andrea: Well, I did that one-on-one yesterday. Doug: Look at Andrea. Andrea: I have noticed times when he who normally likes to talk and tell me lots will be suddenly very quiet. Just say, “Hey, it seems like something’s bothering you, and you don’t have to tell me right now. But I just want you to know that I can tell that something’s bothering you.” I don’t know if that’s the right thing to say or not.” Dr. Leman: Sure. Seems like you’re upset, seems like something’s gnawing at you. It’s just a statement. Lots of times, again parents, I can’t underscore this enough, you know your kids better than I do. Different strokes for different folks. You’ll approach your kids differently. It’s not cookie cutter. Anybody who’s read the Birth Order book knows that I’m really big on treating your kids differently. Why? Because they’re different. Andrea: Does that kid want you to follow up later? In our particular situation, a couple of hours later, and he’s just talking away again and seems like everything’s fine. Would it be wise for me to follow up? Now, I realize I’m going to ask him a question, so I don’t know. Dr. Leman: I think I would do that casually. I would say, “Wow, you seem chipper, or you seem in a great mood, but honey, I just want to ask you something. You were really upset earlier. Did you work through all that, or is there something that you want to talk about or want to just let that go?” It’s a multiple choice. He might say, “Well, no, let it go.” If he does, let him go. We all have our moods, we all have our moments. Doug: The last thing that I’d love to touch on, because I’ve used it now so much since you’ve taught it to us, Dr. Leman, is the phrase, I could be wrong on this. Can you help me? Could you explain that real quickly before we wrap up here, the power of that, and how that works? Dr. Leman: I could be wrong, it means you’re coming in on your belly, you’re not coming in high on the hog saying, “Hey, I have all life’s answers in my back pocket.” What I could be wrong does, it drops the defenses of the person you’re talking to. They’re not going to do an offensive to anything you’re going to say when you start off saying, “I could be wrong, or I may not know what I’m talking about.” You’ve already used self-deprecation, and it just allows someone to hear what you’re going to say. It allows you to get your words to them so they at least hear them. If you come in knowing you’ve got everything wrapped up in a neat little shell, they’re not even going to listen to you. Doug: Great. I have used that phrase in work and with Andrea and with the kids and the power also that I’ve noticed within it is it actually does change me to not come in on my high horse. That it actually does make me have a posture of genuine listening when I get there, but I have to get there first and then say that phrase. I hope that you’ve gotten these. Anything else before we wrap up, Dr. Leman? Dr. Leman: Let’s see. It’s April, isn’t it? Wow. Well, the year’s coming to an end here before too long, the school year. I know that. Out here in the West, we shut down schools at the end of May, it’ll be summer before you know it. Might be thinking parents about what summer is going to be like in your Hacienda. Dr. Leman: But no, things are good. I’ve got a book coming out in the fall and I’m still doing a lot of media and life’s good in the Leman household. We’re healthy and happy for that. So far, so good. Hey, give me an update on James real quick, your first born, before we go. Doug: Well, James is serving on the Grand Little- Andrea: Grand Cay. Doug: The Grand Little Cay island. It’s a 500 person Island that got hit by the hurricane that wiped out Puerto Rico, and they’re out there rebuilding homes. Anna is in Cambodia out there as well teaching English as a second language. Both of them would say serving has changed their lives. I become a fanatic at saying we should have our kids serving as soon as possible. It’s one of the best things that ever happened to my kids. Having a great time. Dr. Leman: They weren’t home for Christmas? Doug: Oh, thanks, rub it in. Andrea: Yeah. Remind us of that painful fact. Doug: Or Thanksgiving, thanks Dr. Leman. You’re such a sweet guy. Dr. Leman: You’re in a new stage. Doug: Yes. Andrea: You could say that, yeah. Dr. Leman: You got two in, two out. Doug: Thankfully there’s a thing called WhatsApp. That thing is amazing to be able to talk to our kids still, even when they’re on a boat- Andrea: On the other side of the world. Doug: On a boat in Little Grand cay. Yep, they’re doing great, I’m telling you. We owe a lot of our thanks to you. Thank you for helping us change our parenting so that we can [inaudible] those kids. Dr. Leman: God bless your kids. You’ve raised a couple of servants, it sounds like. Doug: Yep. That’s Andrea’s. That’s for Andrea. Andrea: Thank you and Jesus. Doug: Absolutely. Dr. Leman: All right. Doug: Well, we hope that we’ve helped you guys learn to have real conversations with your kids. Don’t do the extended questions, statements, ask them their opinions and give them freedom. Give them space as Dr. Leman said, use the example of acknowledging without pestering about the questions. Andrea and I can tell you, it works. It so works to back off, your kids actually want to tell you stuff. Doug: Try to be less of a critic and you’ll be surprised. There’ll be a dip at first, and then they’ll talk to you more than you would like. We hope this adds to your parenting [inaudible] and we look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Yep, have a great one with those kids. Doug: Take care. Bye bye. Andrea: Bye bye.

It’s time to go back to the basics! There are four aces up your sleeve that you can play at any time with your kids. Listen in to today’s episode to learn how to win at the card game called, “parenting”.   **Special Offer– March 1 – 31: Have a New Kid by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Well, I have a question. “I am the parent, but it feels at times like I’m kind of being drug along by my kids, but I’m doing it because I love him so much, and I don’t know how do I… What do I… Who? Dr Leman, help me. I don’t know who’s in control of this house anymore. I don’t know what’s happening around me, and if I’m the parent or the kids are the parents. Help me understand what to do.” That’s the topic we get to ask Dr. Leman today. How do you parent? Who’s in control? What authority do I have? What can I do and what can’t I do, and what’s allowable? Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today, really glad that you’re with us. If this happens to be your first time, welcome. I want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, I was role playing, but there have been times as a parent that I have wondered like… do I have the control as a parent? Am I [inaudible 00:01:17]? am I not? Help us understand this concept that you talk about, that we have four aces, and how does that help us in parenting? Dr. Leman: Well, “You got to know when to hold them, know fold them,” Kenny Rogers once sang a song about that called The Gambler, I think it was called. Well, yeah, parents, you don’t realize it, but you got four aces in your bed pocket. You’re the parent. God has given you the awesome right to be the parent and to be in authority over you. Now, some of you have chosen not to take the authority that all mighty God has given to you, because you’ve been driven on the notion of making sure your children are happy at every turn. If you’re going down that track in life, I can guarantee you, you are going to end up miserable and your kid’s going to be a mess, because that’s not our goal in parenting, to create a happy child. Our goal in parenting is to really, rear an adult who someday is going to be a really contributing member to our society, is going to think well of themself and others, treat people right, realize that they’re not more important than other people, they’re not the center of the universe. Dr. Leman: And that only gets done if you understand that you do have all the gold in your back pocket. I mean, think about your kids right now. They wouldn’t have underwear on today, quite frankly, if you didn’t pay for it. They wouldn’t have socks on or tennis shoes. So you have all the gold in your back pocket and you have those four aces. Your kid can’t join an organization without your signature. And again, I know people are saying, “Hey, Leman, parents’ rights are disappearing left and right.” They are, but you still have full authority, and you have to exercise that authority right. And kids have to understand that you’re the loving father and the loving mother, and that means that you’re going to give lots of love, lots of kisses, lots of vitamin E, and encouragement, but you’re also going to sprinkle that with some vitamin N which is no, for their good, for their safety, and for the betterment of the entire family, because one member of the family can’t go run out in right field and let the rest of us hover around home plate. Dr. Leman: That’s not fair. Everybody has to participate, everybody has to give back to the family. So exercising authority, it sounds easy, but it’s not because you have the neighbors’ kids who live by a different set of rules than yours. You’ve got your brother’s home and his wife who use language that is unbecoming to you, and you don’t want your kids to listen to it. You got Uncle Harold who obviously has a problem with alcohol. You got your mother-in-law who has terrible bad breath. I mean, name your situation. There’s all kinds of things that influence our authority, because we’re always telling ourselves, “I should do this, I should do that,” and I think all of us need to stop shooting on ourselves, so to speak, and realize who we are, what we truly believe, what are our convictions, what kind of kids do we want to put on this earth, and have a general game plan on how to get there. Doug: Dr. Leman, why is it important for us to know that we have four aces or all the gold in our pocket, that we are in authority as parents? What’s important about that concept? Dr. Leman: Well, because I think most parents, they don’t realize they’re there because they start out being so driven to make sure their kids are happy at every turn. Now, kids are hedonistic by their nature, so they’re going to be always asking for more. So if you give them X, they’re going to want Y and Z. And it’s like, you mean I can… I mean, I have people who email me and say, “Is it okay for me to discipline my child? I’m afraid they’re not going to like me.” Well, there’s a parent that really doesn’t understand that they got four aces in their back pocket. And so, you can’t have kids running on different planes. There has to be a oneness in the family, and you’re not going to exercise those four aces, that gold in the back pocket, as I like to call it sometimes, without having mom and dad on the same page. Dr. Leman: That’s a gut check for all of us. You have to be on the same page. And so many parents that I run into, one of them is the good cop and one of them is the bad cop. One of them tends to be authoritarian, the other tends to be permissive, and that sends a wild message to kids, not a consistent one. So gut check, are we on the same page? Do we have a plan? I mean, if you work for a living, chances are there’s a plan. It’s a plan that’s laid out for you that you need to follow, or it’s a plan that you’ve designed yourself. But do you have a parenting plan on raising this kid, who when they come into your arms, the only thing they care about is being held and being fed. They have no social interest in anybody else, and your job is to bring them along from a little pup, so to speak, into adulthood. Dr. Leman: So they’ll be caring for other people, not think of themselves better than others, and there’s a lot of stuff that you pour into the kids, but you don’t pour it into them like jamming it down their throat, you pour it into them by them absorbing what’s going on in your lives as parents. So you are the models, and the kids are always watching. They’re taking all kinds of notes on how you talk, how you interact with people, your attitude, how you talk about others, all those things. Your kids are recording that on their computer every day. Doug: So what would you say the goal of parenting is? Is it that we want our kids to like us when we grow up? Dr. Leman: Well, your kids are going to like you, parents, if you love your kids, but you have to understand that love without discipline is incomplete. Love and discipline go hand in hand. It’s a biblical adage, if anybody cares. And as you move along, there’s going to be times where your kids are not going to like you. They’re going to say things like, “You never listen to me! You never understand! You never do this, you never do that!” And you’re going to have your moments, and how you handle those moments, and how you listen to your children, and reason with them, and are fair with them, and yet discipline them with love, is going to determine to a large part, how they’re going to react and respond to you as an adult. Dr. Leman: I mean, I’ve got five kids and I marvel at the fact that they go way out of their way to spend time with mom and dad. They want to be together, and they want to be with us old folks. How does that happen? My buddy Moonhead says, “Leman, your family is ridiculously too close.” Well, perhaps Moonhead is right, but we are very close. We have each other’s backs, we care about each other, we talk all the time. I think you want to have kids who grow up to be functioning adults who can stand on their own two feet, make good decisions about life. Well, how do you get kids to make good decisions about life if you don’t give them decision making opportunities and they’re growing up under your roof? So it’s a continuing process of learning. Doug: Well, why does it feel so hard right now to apply this principle? It feels almost wrong to act like I’m in authority as a parent, versus just always trying to keep my kid happy. Dr. Leman: I think it’s hard because we live in a very permissive society where it seems like nobody’s held accountable for anything. Rarely do you see people held accountable, and parents do the dumbest things. You remember several months ago, these Hollywood starlets who paid 500,000 to a million dollars to get their kids into schools. I mean, parents do stupid dumb things in the name of loving your children. They do their homework, they do their science projects for them, they cheat for them, they make excuses for them, they tell lies why their kid isn’t in school today. They do all kinds of things, and so when someone says, “Hey, hold your kid accountable, keep their nose to the grindstone,” it sounds foreign, it sounds militaristic, it sounds unkind, but the kid who grows up with parents who not only exert love but discipline in the home, are the parents who will rise up and call their parents blessed someday. Doug: There is a phrase that you’ve used in regards to this, and I’m going to butcher it, so you can correct it for me, but it is one that I later apologized to my children that I didn’t appreciate and [inaudible 00:10:47], which is, “Build psychological muscles.” Can you help explain that? Because now that I have half grown, half in the home, I’ve come to realize that that was a way undervalued goal of Andrea’s and I’s to help our children, because we still were too… Once we went from authoritarian to permissive, and somewhat in the back, we wanted our kids happy. Help us understand what does that concept mean and why is it important for our kids? Dr. Leman: Well, they’re going to face trials in life. They’re going to face trials at work. Everybody isn’t going to like them. They’re going to have bosses who give them maybe rough evaluations. What prepares them for that? They need some experience at taking on things that are difficult, where they have to go maybe and face a teacher or another adult, and maybe owe up to something that they did that was wrong, or maybe question something that they think was unfair to them. I always tell parents, for example, of kids who have to go to juvenile court in the State of Arizona where I live, as a parent, you need to be there in the courtroom, but I always tell the parents, talk to the judge beforehand and say, “Judge, would it be okay with you if I sat in the back of the room, so my 14 year old or 15 year old is up front talking to you alone?” Most judges will see the value in that. I mean, if the judge really needs to talk to you, he can call you forward. Dr. Leman: But my whole point is, I think the kids need to learn to stand on their own two feet. I mean, you’ve heard me rail on on too many activities for kids, and you’ve heard me also turn around and say, if you have access to a 4-H and your kid’s interested in anything along that line, encourage that kind of an activity. Now, what’s so healthy about 4-H? You both are familiar with that organization, right? Doug: Yes. Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Dr. Leman: And a kid will… Doug: You have to serve? Dr. Leman: Yeah. Doug: Yep. Dr. Leman: And the kids in charge of that calf from the time it’s born, or that little piglet or whatever, and they learn an awful lot about life, and economics, and hard work, and those are the kind of experiences that I think gives psychological muscles to kids, so when life throws them a curveball, they’re going to know how to hit that curveball out of the park. I was up at one of our schools, Doug, just this week in Mesa, Arizona, Leman Academy of Excellence, just located out in the East Valley, and I was in every class from kinder to seventh grade. It’s a K through seven school this year, K through eight next. And in several of those classes I looked at kids and I said, “Hey, I have a message for you to take home to mom and dad. I want you to tell them at Dr. Leman said, ‘You’re going to do great in life.'” Dr. Leman: And you can see it in these kids’ eyes, you can see it how they comport themselves. You can see it in the courteous way they thank you. I may have a kinder and a first grader thanking me for taking the time to come to their class. Hello. I’m going to take a step on the gangplank of life and suggest that kid’s going to do well in life. I mean, meets people well in the first grade? My goodness, that kid’s going to be the top salesman in that organization for sure, or a diplomat, or a politician. We need some good politicians, by the way. But my point is that these kids, they don’t just show up that way. Dr. Leman: It takes training, and I always, I love the example if you have a puppy, if you don’t start training the puppy when they’re a year old, you’re going to have a bad dog. Train the puppy when they’re young, and you have to train up kids. In fact, there’s another biblical adage, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Well, do we train up kids in our society? I don’t think so. I think we train down kids. I think we’re very negative toward kids. So it takes a lot of that vitamin E. Your kid has to feel like, “Hey, I got your back, but this is your project. Dad might run you down to Ace Hardware and you can get the construct paper and stuff, but this is your project. You’re going to do it.” Doug: Well, and the reason I wanted to re-go over this one, is that even in Andrea and I’s life, we sometimes will snow plow the roads for our kids and regret it, but when we do stand up in authority, in love, not authoritarian as I used to, our kids do have to gain those psychological muscles and develop. And it’s hard nowadays too to realize, wait, I do have the right to tell my kid no, and I do have the ability to say, “This must be done.” And it’s for their sake, not mine, because we’re raising adults. Doug: In just a moment, I want to come back to something that you started off with that we haven’t touched on that was super important, that you said we had to make sure we had it right, and that point is that mom and dad have to be on the same page. And to that point, you guys, this is going out on March 24th. You have seven days to get the ebook for only $2.99 between now and March 31st of 2020. And we’re going to ask Dr. Leman why it’s so important to have mom and dad on the same page, but I’m telling you as a dad, this book I would read, because it’s funny, and it’s easy to read, and it’s super practical, and it’s not just me that saying you want to be on the same page, you want to read a great book? Here is Andrea. You said you found somebody on Amazon, right? Andrea: Okay, here we go. “Loved the core principles that I repeat to myself, like a mantra. ‘B doesn’t happen until A gets done,’ et cetera. It’s what we all know, but forget in the bustle of everyday life. Making the principals a priority really helped me nip adolescent sloppiness and cut childhood whining to a bare minimum. Doug: So again, if you go online and start reading these on Amazon, there’s sure there’s the few that are crankies, but man, there are some people who have said, “This has helped set us up for the long term.” And if you’re a mom or dad, listening to this and you’re not on the same page, get the parenting book, highlight it, ask them to read it, and you will thank me. So between now and the end of March of 2020 for only $2.99, get the book, please, for your sake. Alrighty. And now, a parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: How do you build trust with your children? By trusting them, by giving them a little rope, by giving them responsibilities, and then when they finish those responsibilities, coming back door and saying, “Honey, I was just thinking today, one of the things that I love about you is when I ask you to do something, you do it, and you don’t do it in a slipshod manner. You do it in a great manner, and I just want to compliment on your diligence.” “What does diligence mean, mom?” Tell him what diligence means. Okay. It’s easy. If you want your kids to have trust in you, you’re going to have to show that you have trust. So always give your kids high expectations, not extremely over the top high. We want to work toward excellence, not perfection. This is something basic to the formulation of a great relationship between you and your child. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman, explain to me why Andrea and I should be on the same page parenting, because clearly, I know what’s right and she doesn’t, so she’s just whatever. So help me out. Dr. Leman: Well, it creates dissonance in a kid’s life when mom and dad are not on the same page. It creates anxiety in a kid’s life. Kids want discipline, number one. They want you to be on the same page. When they see that you’re not and they hear you going after each other, it gives them fear. A number one fear of a kid today is not nuclear holocaust, number one fear among children is, “My parents are going to divorce.” And so working toward oneness and marriage is great. You’re going to have great communication, your sex life’s going to improve. That just got somebody’s attention. Dr. Leman: It’s really worth… I have a book out called The Intimate Connection, and if you can get to that point in life where you and your wife are on the same page in all things, that’s a dynamite relationship that’s going to feed and encourage anybody that’s close to that relationship. Even your friends, or your sister, your brother, but especially your children who live with you 24/7. So it’s just, it’s one of those fundamental things, it’s the foundation of the family, and like I said, if the foundation of the building isn’t right, the whole building’s off. Doug: The reason I asked that question is because Andrea and I have seen that played out where we are in agreement, it goes great, and when we aren’t, it’s terrible for everybody around us. And this is why reading some of these Leman books, again, I don’t get a dime from the Leman books. I’m telling you, it’s for your sake and your child’s sake that I do this and say, please, will you do this so that you and your spouse can be on the same page, and also if you’re a single mom or a single dad, listening to this and you’re like, “Well, that doesn’t apply to me,” this will give you the confidence when guilt has risen up and you’re unclear on what to do. Doug: And the reason this applies to authority is at times, we forget we do have all four aces in our back pocket, and to use them, it’s nice to know when and how to use them in the right way, and that’s what this book gives you, that’s why we do these podcasts, so that you can have the confidence for your kids’ sake to grow up great adults, not happy children, but great adults. And now that we can see that, we almost have a 21 year old, we’re beginning to see, oh wow, this does pay off. I have a 20 year old who calls us, texts us, sends us all sorts of crazy information, and it’s because we loved him and were an authority with him. Doug: So alrighty, that’s enough about four aces. Please, again, I know I just said it, but I’m going to say it again. Please go get the book. Please. Have a New Kid by Friday, $2.99, March 31st of 2020, wherever eBooks are sold, for your sake. It was great to be with you today, and we love, love helping you as you journey down this road of parenting and adding to the toolbox so you love those kids more and more, and we look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye.

It’s time to go back to the basics! Do you battle with your kids when it comes to eating and sleeping? Tune in to today’s episode for some practical advice from Dr. Leman himself.   **Special Offer– March 1 – 31: Have a New Kid by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Are you tired of the bedtime battles? You put the kid down, the kid cries. You lay down, you fall asleep next to the kid and you think, “How in the world is this ever going to happen? How am I ever going to be able to sleep in my own bed without my child?” And worse, how do I get them to eat anything but peeled grapes? This eating thing is driving me nuts. I’m trying to figure out how the heck I’m going to live my life. If those are questions you’re asking, you get to hear the answer from Dr. Leman today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so, so glad that you are with us today, to add that parenting toolbox and if this happens to be your first time, welcome, welcome, welcome. And we want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: So, Dr. Leman, I was on a plane last night and I was watching Incredibles 2 and the moms off doing their thing and the dads there and the kid keeps getting out of bed, keeps getting out of bed, keeps getting out of bed and the kid wants cookies, cookies, cookies, cookies, cookies. And it made me think, “Hey, we’re doing parenting basics. We should talk about one of the biggest questions that we get is: how the heck do I deal with eating and sleeping battles?” Help us. Dr. Leman: Well, they are two of the biggest, and again, if you’re a newbie to us, a dog and Andrea are parents. They’re good parents, they’ve learned a few things, they got four kids. We try to be practical on our podcast and I don’t know what could be more practical than tackling eating and sleeping because those are areas that parents get way sideways with their kids over. Dr. Leman: And you have to think about this parents, what is more natural: That a child, a human being’s, desire to have food, to eat. Nothing. It’s one of those naturals. And sleep is something that we all need. We all crave. We want it. So why is it such a big deal? Dr. Leman: Well, your bringing that little 19 and a half incher home from the hospital and you’re in awe, as the Terpenings were and the Leman’s were, when our little firstborn came home and you realize, “Wow, this is on me.” And the lactation nurse has disappeared. Your pediatrician is at work in his or her office and there he are. What do you do? Dr. Leman: Well, your little child is going to develop a little time clock and you’re going to get to know that child like nobody else. As I say, you’re the best teacher to your child. So, we begin with some kind of a schedule. Now not going to tell you, “Here’s the schedule.” Because it doesn’t work that way. Your kid will have a rhythm, a schedule, and you tune into it and once you get ahold of it, you make sure there’s a routine. A routine. A mundane routine in that child’s life. That’ll get you off to a good start. Dr. Leman: The other thing that will get you off to a good start in all areas is after a couple of weeks of that child being on this earth, you and your spouse go out for a dinner. Get a babysitter, give yourself permission to be away from the child. I know you’ll worry and all that, but that baby’s going to be fine. You’ve got a good babysitter, maybe grandma or grandpa, but a trusted person. You’re in good shape. Go and enjoy yourself. Dr. Leman: Now to get to the point of eating, watching a baby go from a formula or mother’s milk to real food is always fun because you’ll see it on the kid’s face. Food is foreign to them. They make faces. It takes them a while to adjust to the whole food thing. But the point is that you’re going to develop our relationship with your little son or little daughter and you’re going to be pretty good at figuring out, “Okay, now it’s nap time. Now it’s feed time.” Dr. Leman: And as the child gets older and we get into the breakfast, lunch, dinner routine, you have to take this on carefully. If you make a big thing about eating and your frustration shows to that child, that child just being a few months old, will take their cues from you and they’ll fuss and they’ll feel your displeasure and your excitement, your emotion, and we get off on a bad foot. Dr. Leman: The kids are going to eat. They’re going to eat. Now, let’s jump forward to the three year old to try to be as practical as we can here. And you learn as a parent that it’s okay to give a kid a choice. What is not okay is to give a kid 10 choices. So again, you know your child, they like cereal, they like cocoa puffs, which are loaded with sugar by the way, or some of you do those little waffles you put in the toaster. Dr. Leman: Whatever it is, you give them a choice. “Honey, do you want cereal or do you want scrambled eggs?” And whatever that choice is, I would make sure from the very beginning that that is what they end up eating. So if a kid says he wants scrambled eggs, he’s going to eat scrambled eggs. In other words, he’s not going to be offered other things. Dr. Leman: That’s what gets you off on a good start. If a child said, “No, actually, I don’t want scrambled eggs.” No. You’ve already scrambled the eggs. “I want cereal.” Well, honey, cereal’s off the menu now. We have scrambled eggs. You put it down in front of them. “I don’t want that.” And he swats it. Okay, what do you do? If you want to pick it up and put it back on a plate and put it in front of him, I’ll tell you what he’s going to do. He’s going to flip it again. Dr. Leman: Well, what are you suggesting, Leman? I’m suggesting that breakfast is over. For a three year old? Yes. For a three year old. Now we have a wonderful teaching opportunity for a child. Okay? Let the reality of the situation be the teacher to the child so the child learns right away through what? Through hunger, that swatting away the scrambled eggs was not the coolest idea they ever came up with. Even at age three. And you’re sitting there and you’re having your English muffin and your cup of tea or cup of coffee and he’s just sitting there and he starts whining, getting miserable. More miserable by the minute. Put him down from his highchair and let him do what three year olds do. In all probability, he’s going to be at your ankle doing some ankle biting cause he’s very unhappy because he didn’t get his way. Dr. Leman: Now there’s a new invention called a playpen. There’s also inventions called children’s rooms. And if a kid becomes too much and you can’t enjoy your muffin, pick him up, put him in his room, close the door, and have your tea and crumpets. So there’s lesson number one. Dr. Leman: So, we’re going to have routines. Kids are going to have a choice. Give them two choices. Crispy Critters or Cheerios. And he says Crispy Critters and you go get the milk and put it on the Crispy Critter and now he wants Cheerios. If you want something to chuckle at, you can’t re-crisp a soggy critter. So, once the choice is made, you hold them accountable for it and you will end up with a good eater. Dr. Leman: As kids grow older, I wouldn’t put food on a child’s plate. What do you mean? Let them take it with a serving spoon. Well, they’ll spill it. Yeah, they might. It’s not the end of the world. But let them take from serving dishes and put on their plate. You’re going to find your kids a better eater that way. Don’t make a big thing about everything under the sun. Some kids just eat spaghetti with only butter sauce on it. All kids have their quirks. They will not die. Check with your pediatrician. And as far as eating junk and too much sugar, ask yourself, who does the shopping. Your four year old or you? Dr. Leman: So again, I don’t know, Doug and Andrea, you’ve been parents of four. I’m sure you had battles with kids, trying to get them to eat and all that. But what I’m saying is there’s a natural need for the child to eat. Don’t overdo it or you’re going to end up in a power struggle. And if you end up in a power struggle, you’re going to lose it. Andrea: Dr. Leman, I love all of this. I love the basicness of this, and I want to go back to the beginning where you mentioned the importance of a routine and setting a routine and figuring out the flow of your child’s day. What is the importance of that? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s a great question because parents today are just way over the top with worrying about their child’s self esteem. Kids garner security and self esteem by feeling comfortable and identifying with a home. The home is their safe refuge. So, routines give kids comfort and that’s why it’s important to have nap time at a certain time once you figure out what that child’s rhythm is. Dr. Leman: And little two year olds need naps. Some kids by the time they’re three, they’re outgrown naps. But not to the pleasure of most moms that I’ve talked to, they wish they were still taking naps. And sometimes smart moms will just say, “Well, we’re going to have quiet, honey. You don’t have to go to sleep.” I think that’s a great suggestion for any mom. “Honey. You don’t have to go to sleep. We’re just going to have quiet time.” Dr. Leman: I’ll come in just an hour and get you. Half the time they’ve fallen asleep. Give them a book to look at, put some music on. But part of the thing with the nap is you need time for rejuvenation. The dishes are still there and it’s two o’clock in the afternoon and you’re thinking about what are we going to do for dinner? Dr. Leman: So, I’m just trying to be practical with people and let them see that it’s a double win. It’s a win for you mom and dad, but it’s also a win for your child because he does need that downtime and he does need that connection. His room, his gold fish, his church, his school, his preschool. A child’s world is very small and so that’s a wonderful way to give psychological comfort to your child by being predictable. Andrea: So, what you’re inferring by this is that the child is not sleeping in my arms while I nurse it to sleep, or I’m having to hold it while it’s napping. Dr. Leman: Yeah. So, who gets mom in trouble? Mom does. Because she decides this is great just to nurse my baby and let my baby fall asleep in my arms. It sounds great till you lay the baby down and then they go wild. Or you say, “I love the comfort of having my little one snuggle in bed with me.” Well, there’s great comfort you can give to a kid during a thunderstorm, for example, when a kid comes into bed with you. I don’t have a problem with that at all. Dr. Leman: But when the thunderstorms over, they go back in their bed. And so kids do not belong in your bed and you say, “Well, Dr. Leman, we can’t help it. He comes in in the middle of the night.” Lock your door, dummy. Lock your door. They might curl up outside your door where their blankie tucked under them. It won’t kill them. But they don’t belong in your bed. Now if you want to try to make that work, good luck because I’ve heard thousands and thousands of stories over my lifetime and they don’t work. Doug: Just to pick up on that, why would I not want my kid to be in my bed? What’s the negative part of my having my one year old, two year old snuggle in bed with me? Dr. Leman: It takes away from the individual identification of the child that that’s their room, that’s their toys, that’s their bed, that’s their pillow. Kids don’t belong in there. It’s a parent need that’s being fulfilled here, I’m telling you. Dr. Leman: So, parents use your head. You’ll eliminate so many problems if you can tackle nap time, bedtime, and again follow the birth order on this. Put the youngest to bed first. I know some of you have physical problems and that you have three bedrooms and four kids. That creates a problem when I suggest things like that. But be as innovative as you can and grant the birthright to the oldest child. Whether you know it or not, your oldest resents the younger children to some degree and so giving that firstborn priority is really a very good thing. Doug: We’ve done, this is episode number 305, that you and I have recorded together plus countless conversations plus all sorts of other things. And I just had an aha moment from what you just said about my question. That putting the kid in my bedroom until he’s two, three, four and we’ve heard all the way up to crazy numbers, is for my sake. And by actually having my kid in their own room, in their own bed with their own routine, is for their sake. But when they’re in my bed, it’s for my sake. Doug: And I just sitting here thinking through my parenting real briefly as you were talking, but I was listening to Dr. Leman, I wasn’t zoning you out. But I was like, “Oh my goodness, he’s right. So many of these things I have done that have backfired on me for my sake and not for my child.” And then you said it would help my child develop if they have their own spot. Did I hear that correctly? Dr. Leman: Right, yeah. Let me be a three year old for a second, or a four year old. Now, would you rather sleep in your own bed by yourself or would you rather sleep between these two warm bodies? It’s pleasurable for a kid to cuddle up next to mom and dad. The kids getting some things out of this as well. Dr. Leman: But I’m telling you, parents, starting off on the right foot, it’s like building a foundation on a home. If the foundation is not right, your building’s not going to be right. And eating, sleeping, and going potty are three of the basic areas that parents just invariably goof up. They don’t get it right. All those things are very natural things. They’re going to happen sooner or later and if you’re smart in how you attack these three areas, your kid is going to profit a lot from your allowing them to have their own bed, their own food, their own privacy going potty, learning to do all those things you do when you do a potty in life. If you start forcing potty, good luck. Start forcing food, good luck. Start forcing going to bed, good luck. Dr. Leman: So, bedtimes need to be specific. I think they should be different for different kids. And routines are important. The brushing of the teeth and all that, the drink of water because once a kid … Again, kids are con artists. Once they’re in bed it’s, “Water! Water! I need water!” They’ll think of anything. “I’m afraid. There’s a monster under my bed. There’s a monster in the closet.” Dr. Leman: “Honey. No, actually there’s not. I put the monster in the garage and he’s locked in for the night. Can’t get out.” I used to suggest to parents of kids who were fearful to get a one of those old perfume bottles that has a little puffer on it and put a little colored water with some perfume or cologne in it. And it wards off dragons and beasts and wolves and anything. But it gives the kid a little idea of control, one puff and the monster goes away kind of thing. Doug: Okay. Before I get to some role playing and some more, I want to ask question, after this, is what do I do if I’ve already started down the wrong path? How do I change? Doug: But before I do that, I have to ask a favor of everybody listening to this. And that is that Baker Books, right now we’ll let you get the book, Have a New Kid by Friday, for $2.99 from now until March 31st of 2020. $2.99. And I’m telling you, this is the book that I’ve said multiple times that launched us into changing our parenting. It’ll give you confidence. I literally read things, highlight them, and in those days I had to call my wife and be like, “This guy is nutso, but I think he might have some really good ideas.” And we read it and reread it. Doug: And the reason I’m encouraging you to read is we’re talking about eating and sleeping battles and you want the confidence that what he’s saying, you can do. Get the book and you will have the confidence. You will know, “Ah, this is why I have to do that. Oh, this is how I can do it.” And you will laugh as you’re doing it. I’m just telling you for your sake, get the book. It’s a simple read and it will change the way you do parenting. So, between now and March 31st of 2020, for $2.99, go get the book Have a New Kid By Friday. Doug: And now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Parents, one of your best friends when you’re rearing kids is the weekly allowance. And Dr. Leman, that’s easy for you to say. We can’t afford allowance. Hey lady, I got news for you. You spend money on your kid anyway. Just give them some money so they have some dominion over it when they’re at the store and they want a simple candy bar or a can of soda pop or you name it, they can buy it themselves. Dr. Leman: Let that be a teachable instrument that you use in the home. Many of you who followed my books know when jobs aren’t done around the house, what do I suggest? I suggest you hire a younger sister or brother do go in and clean that kid’s room or do the chore you’ve asked the child to do without fanfare and pay for it out of that older child’s allowance. Once that kid figures out, “Hey, wait a minute, this isn’t good. I’m losing money to my kid sister or brother.” They’ll pay more attention to the simple requests that you make. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman. Let’s talk about the fact that I didn’t read Have a New Kid By Friday and I didn’t read any Leman’s books and I’ve got this three or four year old. I’m not sure what age we should choose and I haven’t quite done it the way I want to. So, let’s take eating for example. I’ve got my three year old, they’re at the table and their favorite game is to take two bites and then flip the food on the floor. And I’ve been trained to pick the food up and put it back on his plate. Doug: You’re the mom now and I’m Johnny. What would you say to me? Well, you’re the dad. Sorry. You can be a dad. I always make you a mom, sorry. But you’re the dad. What would you say to me? Dr. Leman: I would say, “Oh, I see breakfast is over.” And I would take anything that’s in front of him away and I’d take him out of his high chair and I’d wash off his face and his hands with a washcloth and he would be free. If he happens to pick up some food off the floor in that split second before I go and sweep it up, more power to him. But breakfast is over. Dr. Leman: Now again, when you realize that you haven’t done things right and now you’re going to start changing things. Whether it’s laying kids down for a nap or getting them in their own bed, you’re going to have what I call a fish out of water experience. It’s like watching a game fish flipping on a dock. He’s going to give it as best shot to get off that dock and get back in the water. So, you’re going to see the worst of your child because you’re now changing the rules of the game. Because we played this game, his or her way. Dr. Leman: So, expect that and when you see that, say, “Good. Leman said that’s step one in winning the battle.” Because they’re going to do that. They’re going to flex their muscles. They’re going to let you know they are very unhappy and don’t overreact to it. Go about your business. Dr. Leman: And are you saying to ignore them? Well, as best you can. But there’s times when it’s hard to ignore them. They’re just being obnoxious, coming after you. That’s when you pick them up, put them in their room, and hold the door. Whatever you want to do to just say, “Hey, you’re going to settle down. And when you settle down, you can come on out, be a human being again.” Dr. Leman: But again, you’re taking the authority you have as a parent. Not as an authoritarian. You can’t make the kid eat it. You can’t stuff the food down his throat. It’s not going to work. So, let the reality of the situation become the teacher to the child. And the hunger, think of it, if the kid doesn’t eat and we’re talking 8:00 o’clock in the morning, what’s he going to be like at noon? Four hours later, the kid’s going to be ravenous. He’s going to eat anything you put in front of him. I don’t care what it is. Celery sticks. So, the food is a great reinforcer. Let that work for you. Don’t work it against you. Doug: So again, I know you said it, but let’s say that you’re kindhearted and a compassionate mom and all of the sudden I come out at 10:00 o’clock and everybody, or dad, “Daddy, Dr. Lemony, I am so hungry. Please. Just a little just. Just two Cheerio’s please? I think I’m going to faint.” Right? This is my 10:00 o’clock snack that I want. What would you say to me? Dr. Leman: You describe the mom as compassionate and loving, whatever. Let me add another one. Stupid. Dumb. Not clearheaded. If you want to change behavior and you realize it’s unwanted behavior, it’s unhealthy behavior, then you’re going to have to man up or woman enough to do some things that are difficult. Is it hard to see a little guy who’s hungry craving for food? Yeah, they’re con artists. Again, they’ll work you. They’re going to give you their best shot. But the nice thing about these ways of dealing with kids is that quite frankly, you don’t have to do these things very often. Once or twice and lesson learned. Kids going to learn, “Hey, I got to come up with another dog and pony show because that’s not working.” Doug: So, let’s go to that point, to your bed, right? I’ve let my kid, up until age two, sleep in my bed. And now you threw out the crazy nutso suggestion that I closed the door and lock it. How many times will my kids sleep outside my door or how long will they bang on that door demanding that I let them in? Dr. Leman: That kid, when he figures out that door is locked, he’s going to go ballistic. He’s going to kick the door, he’s going to pound on the door, he’s going to cry, he’s going to throw himself on the floor. If you had a video, it would be sort of cute. Again, he’s going to give it to fish out of water temper tantrum. Dr. Leman: And what his behavior is saying is, “I am very upset that you guys are no longer playing the game the way I want to play it under my rules.” Well, if you want to create a powerful child who has little regard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, then let that kid back in the door. Then you teach the kid that all you got to do is throw a hissy fit, scream loud enough, and mom and dad will give in. And parents cave in all the time. That’s why I say warnings are disrespectful to kids. Doug: Yeah. So, while you were saying that, Andrea’s face looked like she was about to cry. Andrea: Oh yeah. I was just sitting here thinking of all the things that could happen. He’s going to hurt himself or what if he goes down the hall and starts throwing things and I’m in the bedroom? I have no control over what’s going on out there. Dr. Leman: It’s the hardest thing in the world to keep your mouth shut. And again, my admonition to parents, you’re sitting there in bed, you’re laying in bed, you’re trying to get to sleep, and there’s your little four year old pounding on the door. The temptation. 99 out of 100 parents are going to say, “Don’t you pound on that door. Stop kicking that door.” And all that does is reinforce the kicking. So, as hard as it is to bite your tongue and clos your emotions down, you have to do it. Is it tough? Very tough. But the good news is you only have to do this a couple times with most kids. They learn that that’s the new sheriff in town and they’re going to have to stay in their bedroom. Doug: So, we’ve been doing this podcast for five plus years. And the reason I asked that question every time is because most of the response I get is, “I don’t know if I could handle that.” And you have said that kid will pound on that door for two nights, maybe three, and that has been proven so much by our listeners that have followed this advice. Doug: So, for all you parents out there that you’re like, “I don’t know if I emotionally could handle that.” We’re only talking a couple of nights and by the third night it’s going to be a pathetic display of angst to get in there and he’s going to give up or she’s going to give up and end up in her bed. So you can do this, parents. You can do this. Our next podcast we’re going to talk about the fact that you have four Aces and that you can do this for your kid’s sake. Doug: So, thank you. Thank you, Dr. Leman for helping us with some of the basics again, and a reminder for your sake, please go get the book Have a New Kid By Friday now before this ends for less than a Starbucks, I know it’s an overused phrase, but for $2.99 between now and March 31st of 2020. I will accept thank you notes that you read the book and you’re so grateful for how it helped you if you’re skeptical and you question it, read the book. It’s super easy to read, very funny, for your sake. Doug: So, it was great to be with you and we love hanging out with you and we look forward to the next time we can be with you to help you add to that parenting toolbox so you’ll [inaudible] those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Hope you have a super time with those kids. Take care. Bye bye.

It’s time to go back to the basics! Do your kids consistently shirk their chores and responsibilities? In today’s episode, Dr. Leman covers a simple reality in life that B does not happen until A is complete.   **Special Offer– March 1 – 31: Have a New Kid by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: It happened again. Johnny, again, didn’t do the one thing you asked him to do before he went to his friend’s house. Now he’s out at his friend’s house having a gay old time, and you’re in the house finishing it for him. Doug: Sound familiar? Tired of that? Want a simple solution for yourself, on how not to get caught in that cycle again. Well, we get one of the best concepts that Dr. Leman has ever given the Terpening [inaudible 00:00:32]. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening… Andrea: And I’m Andrea… Doug: … and we are so glad that we are with you today. Want to let you know if this is your first time, that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: Well, we are doing a basic parenting series. Going back to some of the basics with Dr. Leman, that have impacted the Terpening household a ton, and this is one of the ones that, gold standard, made parenting way easier for the Terpening household. And it’s B doesn’t happen until A is complete. Doug: Dr. Leman, what in the world does that mean? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s probably one of the simplest corollaries that you can use in dealing with people, kids, business, things in general. B, whatever that B is, whatever that activity is, doesn’t start until A, the previous assigned chore, in this case talking about kids, is completed, to who’s satisfaction? To the parents. Dr. Leman: Okay. It’s just one of those things. Why we don’t use this more often is beyond me, because it’s so obvious. It keeps you out of battle. It simply keeps you on that linear thinking of, “Okay, wait a minute. I asked you to take out the garbage and I see it’s not taken out, and now you want to run next door and shoot hoops with your buddies. No, the garbage has to be taken out.” Dr. Leman: Now, let’s take a situation where the kid is a little surly, and he finally takes it out and now he says, “Mom, all right, I took the garbage out. Can I go on and shoot hoops now?” “No, you can’t.” “What do you mean? You said, if I-” “I know what I said, but I didn’t like the attitude you copped.” Dr. Leman: Now when you go back to the book, Have a New Kid by Friday. I’m trying to think what it says on the cover of the book, and I don’t have one handy, but it says something to the effect of changing character in five days or less, as well. I think it says attitude, behavior and character. Dr. Leman: Well, this is the character part, because you’ve asked your kid to do something. He’s done it, but he did it in a very disrespectful way, with sort of a spit in your soup attitude. “Okay, I did the garbage. Now can I go?” “No, you can’t go.” Dr. Leman: Now, again, that’s where you just have to play this game of parenthood smart. Because is it really a matter of taking the garbage out, or is it really a matter of having a kid in the home, who appreciates the comforts of this home, is willing to pitch in and do their help? And I think we would all agree, well, yeah, that’s more what we’re after. So, that’s where the character fits in. Dr. Leman: So again, whatever that A is, whatever you asked that kid to do. Put it in marriage. Okay ladies, you ask your husband to do things. Okay, I won’t get too graphic here, but you know, he hasn’t done them. And all of a sudden, you’re lying there in bed and his foot is now touching your foot, and he’s just giving you a little sign. Let me ask you ladies, what do you feel like doing? Okay, you’ve answered it. You get my point. Dr. Leman: So it happened, this works in any situation. It brings things to a head. It keeps us from playing games, so to speak, and get us down to the rubber road of life. So if you implement these simple ideas, and by the way, one of the reasons why I think people love that Have a New Kid by Friday book is, the book itself is actually quite small. You can read the book in, I don’t know, hour and a half, I don’t know. It’s just not a very big book. Dr. Leman: But when the book stops, then I take on about every situation you can think of with a kid. So there’s a glossary, so to speak, in that book, that defines an action and gives you remedies to think about as a parent. So it’s not only an action oriented book, here’s what you can do, but it gives you specifics about all these daily hassles that parents find themselves in. Doug: So Andrea, as the resident mom, B doesn’t happen until A is complete is hard for all of us. But for moms, especially compassionate, kind ones like you, now your kid wants to go have coffee with their dear friends and they haven’t done whatever you’ve asked them to do. Right? Andrea: Right. Doug: And now, you have to walk in there and say, “Sorry, I asked you to do this, and you chose not to. We’re not going.” Then you turn around and walk away. Can you do that? Andrea: Why do you always ask me that question? “Can you do that?” Doug: Because between Dr. Leman and I, you’re the most mom here, right? What would you like me to ask you? How would you like me to ask that? Dr. Leman: Yeah, she’s our resident mom. But you can grant in fantasy, what you can’t in reality. Andrea: Sometimes this decision is hard, because it’s going to affect me too. And I think that’s the real hard part of this, is whatever was supposed to happen might have been like, I was supposed to go along and I was looking forward to it. Andrea: Or it could be, I was looking forward to this frame of time that they were going to be out, and I was going to have some quiet downtime to myself, to usually get something else done that I could really focus on. Andrea: So there is, we have to pay the price too. But we have to remember, like Dr. Leman was talking about, there’s character training here. So I would not say that I have been lily-white of following this rule, even since I’ve learned it. No. Doug: Right. And what else about it for you? You’ve also said that emotionally it’s hard to disappoint your kids. Andrea: Well, yeah. Yeah. And my kids don’t have a… I mean, I wouldn’t say that they have a habit of always trying to get away with things. So, it’s hard when it does happen. Yeah. Dr. Leman: All right. Well, it might help with someone who has Andrea’s wonderful personality is to grant in fantasy what you can’t in reality. And you say, “Anna, I would love to let you go and do that. Oh my goodness, that would be wonderful for you. I know you would enjoy every minute of being there, but there’s a problem. And the problem is that I had asked you this morning to clean the garage, and I see it hasn’t been done. So, as much as I hate to say this, the answer is no.” Dr. Leman: Now that’s giving your kid vitamin N, it’s letting a parent grant and fantasy what they can’t in reality. And yes, keep in mind parents is easier to look the other way. It’s easier to do it yourself. Dr. Leman: But what you’re trying to do, is train up your child so that they will become responsible. So when they leave your nest someday, you can look at each other as husband or wife and say, “We did a pretty good job. That little bird’s going to fly well.” Doug: Here’s the other thing for all you parents who haven’t started this process yet, is you don’t have to do this very often. I mean, well you do this… we’ve had to do this way once or twice with each kid, for them to get the concept. Andrea: It’s really starting off and training them. Doug: So Dr. Leman, why is it so effective that you literally only need it… I think with James, we did it once, maybe twice or the Anna, to get their attention that we really do mean business. Why does that work so well? Dr. Leman: Well, because there’s a shock element to it all. You’ve thrown them a curve ball. You’re showing them that you’re going in a new direction, and you’re also showing them that they’re old games, so to speak, that they play with you, are no longer in play. That’s why it works so good. It’s putting your cards on the table. It’s action-oriented. So what could be better? Doug: Well to that point, you’re right, it is a shock, and it’s actions, not words which are way more effective with children. Yeah. So do encourage all of you out there, that you’re like, “I don’t know if I could do this. This sounds really harsh.” You don’t have to do it very many times at all. Doug: It depends on if you have a powerful child and then go get the book, How to Parent Your Powerful Child. But, by and large, his is a pretty effective way to get their kid’s attention. Doug: So we’re going to do some role-playing here, to help you actually hear how to apply it. Doug: But before we go there, I want everybody to know that you can go get, Have a New Kid by Friday. Between now and the end of March of 2020 for only $2.99 wherever eBooks are sold. It is amazing. Andrea’s going to read what somebody wrote on Amazon here. Do you have it there? Andrea: Yeah. Okay, this is from Evan, and this is what they said. “Possibly the last parenting book you will ever need. If you have a child who challenges every aspect of your parenting, or even any aspect of your parenting, I highly recommend this book. This quite possibly will be the last parenting book you will need. I’m pretty sure it’s the last one I will need. Andrea: “My young twins, age four, were TRANSFORMED in about a week, and others who know them well commented on it. If you have a perfect child who never gives you any challenges, you don’t need it. If you are exhausted from your current parenting tactics, you need the information, principles and parenting phrases in this book.” Doug: So I agree with what Evan said. Those parenting phrases are gold, and our kids complain about them all the time, which is lovely, that they’re like- Andrea: It’s funny, they pick up on them. Doug: Yeah, they’re like, “That’s a Leman thing. ” We’re like, “Yes, it is.” I highly encourage you for your sake, for $2.99, please go get this book wherever eBooks are sold. For your sake and your kids sake. Doug: Okay, and now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Parents, here’s a question for you. Helping around the house. Everybody should give back to the family, and I get asked the question all the time, “At what age should a kid start helping around the house?” Dr. Leman: Even a three-year-old can help. A three-year-old can help take dishes out of a dish dryer. Or fold clothes, towels. Yeah, they’re going to look like a The other hood like a three-year-old folded them. But the idea is to get that child’s mindset into, “Everybody helps.” Dr. Leman: That’s a good productive thing for kids to do. So many parents just do so much for their children, because quite frankly, it’s easier to do it that way. But here’s the question. Do you want to rear a responsible child? Do you? If you do, give them responsibility. Dr. Leman: When do you start training a puppy? When he’s a year old? You’ll have bad puppy. “Bad dog, bad dog. Why did you do that on the carpet?” You want a good dog? Start early. Train them when they’re a pup, same with our kids. Let them give back to you. And always say, “Thank you honey for helping. Good job.” Doug: Alrighty. Okay, Dr. Leman, here we go. “My eight-year-old son wants to go shoot hoops down the street with his buddy,” We’ll use example you used, “But he didn’t clean his room, and his mother even reminded him that morning to get his room cleaned up today.” So, let’s role-play. All right, here we go. Ready? Doug: Okay, Mom, I’m headed out the door. I’m going over to Freddy’s to go shoot hoops. See yeah. What what time do I have to be home for dinner? Dr. Leman: Hey, hang on a matter, honey. We need to have a little talk. Doug: Okay, yeah. Dr. Leman: You were asked to do something earlier today. I’m going to give you just a second to think about what you were asked to do. It hasn’t been done, by the way, I’ll give you a clue. Doug: Maybe, clean my room. Is that it? Dr. Leman: Yeah, that’s good. You know, I knew you were a bright kid. Man, you’re awesome. You got a great memory, most of the time. It hasn’t been done yet, honey. So, no, you’re not going anywhere right now. Doug: But mom, I’ll do it when I come back. I’ll do it as soon as we’re done. I’ll even do it before dinner. I’ll just go, because it’s- [crosstalk 00:14:06] Dr. Leman: I’m not your mom, I’m your dad. Doug: Oh, sorry, okay, Dad. Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize that. You guys both look and sound the same. Dr. Leman: Yeah. And that kid, he’s going to do his best. All that does, is give kids that opportunity to either lie, or exaggerate or connive. They’ll promise you anything if you’ll just let them go. Dr. Leman: And if you fall into that trap, you’re teaching your kids that instant gratification is the way to go in life, and that’s not a good healthy thing for your kids. So you got to really think this through. Dr. Leman: Some of the things sound almost benign. All right, you haven’t cleaned the room, so you’ve got to come back here and clean your room. Okay, I get it. But it’s more important than that, you’re character building with that kid. You’re teaching him about what’s going to happen on life. Dr. Leman: I mean, can you see him going out the door at two minutes to 5:00, and the boss is there. He says, “Hey, I’ll see you. I’ve got got to go here, or go there.” Well, “Hey, Winchell, I asked you for those reports. They’re not on my desk.” “Well, I’ll get you those tomorrow, boss.” Dr. Leman: Can you see the boss really saying, “Okay, well you just go and have a great time. And those reports I need for the board meeting, they can wait. So, whenever you get around to it.” That’s not life. Dr. Leman: We’re preparing kids for life, is what we’re doing. Don’t blow these things off in your mind as just simple little exercises. These are building bricks to your kid’s personality. Dr. Leman: I’ve said many times beautiful cathedrals are what? Built one brick at a time. So you’re layering in these things, every day that you have interaction with your son and your daughter. Doug: Well, the other thing you say, and then we’re going to do one more role-play, is that we’re raising adults, not children. Which has helped us think about, this is not for today. This is actually, like you said, this is for decades later. Andrea: It’s good to think about it that way, and realize it’s not about just getting the bedroom cleaned or the dishes washed. This is a longterm, what kind of character do I want my child to have? Doug: Now I want to give one that’s a little less cut and dry, Dr. Leman. My 16-year-old daughter just gave me a bunch of lip, right? Like, “Dad, you’re the worst,” or whatever, right? Just that attitude that you get every now and then, the silent treatment, or whatever it is. Doug: Now, they want to go hang out with their friends, so they come to grab the car to go hang out with their friends, right? Doug: Here we go. I just gave you a whole bunch of lip and flack, or whatever the phrase is now ,I don’t know what it is, and so here we go. I’ll be a girl. Well, that’s kind of weird, but, oh well. Doug: Hey dad, I’m going to go see Sally. I’m going to grab the car, and I think we’re going out for burgers, so I probably won’t be back… I’ll be back at a decent hour, but I won’t be back that late. So, okay, love you dad. Take care. Dr. Leman: I always love to hear you’re going to be home at a reasonable hour, but in this case I can guarantee you’re going to be home at a reasonable hour because you’re going to have a very difficult time starting that car without the keys. Doug: Oh, why? What happened? Dr. Leman: What happened is, a few moments ago, anticipating what you were going to be doing, I took the keys from the kitchen where we hang them on that little ring and they’re now secure in my pocket. Doug: Why? Is something wrong with the car? Dr. Leman: You know, the car has really worked really nicely lately. I’ve enjoyed, when I get in that car, I love the leather seats [inaudible 00:18:06] honey the best. But when I turn that sucker on, it always starts up. Dr. Leman: And then of course, you know the music I listen to. I know you hate it, but I happen to like it. So I just punch up my radio station and I’m ready to cruise. No, the car is fine. Doug: Dad, what’s up? What are you upset about? Dr. Leman: What’s up? Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: The sky, the moon, the sun. Doug: Dad, come on. What’s- Dr. Leman: All right. You have the ability to play games with me, and I want you to be advised that parents have the ability to play games as well. Such as, what’s up? The moon, the sun, the stars. Dr. Leman: You know what’s up. So, why are you asking me what’s up? Doug: Okay, dad, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it, but it was just a moment and it’s been rough. I’m just tired, and school’s really stressful, and ballet has really gotten to me. I’ve got all these things that are on me, and I just lost it for just a moment. I’m sorry. [crosstalk 00:19:13]. Dr. Leman: Honey, I get it. I get it. I get it. We all have days like that. And I understand all these things are weighing on you, and I think it’s great. I really think it’s great that you can enumerate all those things that are laying on you, and I think it’s wonderful that you can say, “Hey dad, I’m sorry.” Doug: So can I go now? Dr. Leman: No. Doug: Dad, I said I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. You know that I- [crosstalk 00:19:39]. Dr. Leman: I appreciate it. I appreciate the fact you said you’re sorry. And I’ve told you, I’ve already forgiven you. [crosstalk 00:19:46] But you’re not going anywhere. Doug: Dad, why not? What’s the big deal. Dr. Leman: Honey, the big deal is the words you chose the use with me 25 minutes ago, I really didn’t appreciate. Doug: Okay, but I said I’m sorry. Dr. Leman: Honey, in life, you’re going to find there’s consequences. I understand. I’m sorry isn’t the passport to getting the keys? Doug: What am I going to tell my friends? Dr. Leman: In life, there’s actions. Doug: What am I going to tell my friends? They’re expecting me. Dr. Leman: Well, what I would suggest you tell your friends, is something like, “Whoa, I am so stupid. You know what I did last night? Or what hour I did 20 minutes ago, or whenever it was. I said some really nasty things to my father. Dr. Leman: “And I have to tell you the truth, I’ve got a great dad. He loves me as I am. He’s helped me in so many situations. He’s the rock of our family, quite frankly. Nobody loves my dad more than I did, but I said something really stupid. And in anger, I told him he was the worst dad ever, and the reality is, he’s the best.” Dr. Leman: You want to know what I would tell your friends? I just told you. Doug: Daddy- Dr. Leman: Will you say that? I have no idea. Doug: Daddy, you are the best daddy. And I do appreciate all that you do, but this is really, really important to me. This is really, really important. Please, Daddy. Dr. Leman: And honey, you’re the best daughter in the world. We’ve established that. Okay, we love each other. We’ve established that. What we are having a hard time grasping on your end of the equation, is you’re not using the car. Tomorrow’s another day. Dr. Leman: I know you’re disappointed. Deal with it. You’re going to get a lot of disappointments in life, and trust me, as you look at life in general, this is just a tiny one. Dr. Leman: We’re going to end our discussion now. We’re not going to talk about this anymore. You said, “I’m sorry,” I said, “Honey, I’ve forgiven you.” We’re going to face tomorrow, tomorrow, but this case is now closed. Doug: Fine. Dr. Leman: Now, notice what I did there. I brought it to an end. Because parents, these kids, some of them will make great attorneys. Because they can argue, and they’ll pull on your heartstrings as little Miss Douggie tried to do with me, with her purposeful tears. Dr. Leman: What’s the purpose of nature? Class of tears. How many of you as women would admit to use tears with us husbands, to bring us to our knees? Andrea: Tears are powerful. Doug: But the thing about that, for all those parents out there Dr. Leman, that you need to help them, is that, your children will still love you in the morning and actually will respect you more. Doug: And it’s not just about respect, but it is, right? They’ll wake up tomorrow and be like, “Yeah, my parents are for me,” right? Or will they hate him in the morning? Dr. Leman: No, by the morning all is forgotten. Life goes on, the crisis… Kids, especially when they’re teenagers, everything’s a crisis. Dr. Leman: What happens is, a girlfriend calls and says, “Hey, can you meet us at the mall? Todd and Michael are going to be there.” And all of a sudden it’s girls cooking up, “Oh, we’re going to see these cute guys,” whatever their plans are. But everything’s in a crisis. Dr. Leman: 10 minutes earlier, they had no desire to go any place. They were just vegging out. But all of a sudden, the phone call comes and now it’s crisis mode, and I got to get out the door and get there. Doug: Well, my encouragement to all those parents out there, and especially moms, is, again, you don’t have to do this very often, right? You only do this once or twice, and kids get it. Because it’s an action not words, and that speaks way louder. Doug: And I appreciate what you said. I mean, we’re trying to raise them up to be adults and this is for their future character. That’s what you brought up, Andrea. Dr. Leman: Yeah. We have lots of principals, and one of them is let the reality of the situation… Okay, got that parents? Let the reality of situation become the teacher to the child. Dr. Leman: So the reality is, she chose to misspoke. She misspoke in a disrespectful way. Let that be the teacher to the child. All you’re doing is building in some parameters, so that experience that she initiated becomes a teacher to her. Simple. Doug: Yeah, super simple. But if you do have a child who really does flip out on you, then you have a powerful child, and you need to go read, Have a New Kid by Friday and Parenting Your Powerful Child. Doug: But you need to read them both, for your sake. And your child’s sake, quite honestly. So they don’t grow up, as Dr. Leman said, and be powerful with their bosses and go from job to job to job. This is all about character and raising great adults. Doug: Well, I can’t encourage you enough to get this concept: B doesn’t happen until A is complete. It is so powerful to help you in your parenting. If your spouse doesn’t agree with you, highlight the book and these sections for them, and have them read it. Come together on this, and highlighted books are a great way for them to believe it and go for it. Andrea: And remember, that this is about building character. This is a longterm thing, get that longterm picture in your mind when you have to tell them no. Doug: So, for your sake, go get the book, Have a New Kid by Friday. It just gives you so much confidence, and like Dr. Leman said, the back half is like, “What about when I catch my kid lying,” or stealing or all sorts of things. And it gives you very practical steps on what you can do next. Doug: We look forward to being with you the next time, and adding to your parenting toolbox so you can love those kids more, and more and have the confidence that you’re doing the right thing. Doug: Thanks for being with us. Andrea: All right. Lots of A this week, so that B can happen. Doug: Amen. Thanks for being with us. Look forward to next time. Andrea: Bye-bye.