Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Horrible Hedonistic In-Laws.” Listen in for Dr. Leman’s advice on how to deal with your in-laws on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– July 1 – 31: When Your Kid Is Hurting ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: There are in-laws, there are bad in-laws, there are really bad in-laws. But what about if you have horrible hedonistic in-laws? How do you deal with that? That’s the question that Michelle asked Dr. Leman, that we get the ass for her. And, hopefully, we’ll find out, how to deal with the horrible hedonistic in-laws. Hi, I’m Doug [inaudible 00:00:29]. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you’re joining us. And if this is your first time with us, we want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only, if the subject matter raises concerns for you, or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, I’m super excited to hear what Michelle has to say, but aren’t we blessed Andrea that we both have great in-laws? Andrea: Yes, very much so. Doug: We are very, very. So, Michelle, we feel your pain. And here is her question. Michelle: Hi, Dr. Leman, my name is Michelle. I have two sons age, two and a half and six months. My question is what to do about family members, specifically my in-laws, who are a bad influence? Whenever we go around them they smoke weed in a state that it is illegal in front of the children, while also trying to guilt me into trying it. They curse, tell disgusting sexual jokes, watch horror films, and rated R movies all in front of their children that are under 10. We’ve even left our two year old with his mother when she was in town and, upon coming back from having to do what we were doing, we found out that she had put a rated R movie on with our son in the room. On top of all of this, they are also huge gossips and always talk about the other people that are in the family in a nasty demeaning way. My mother-in-law claims to be a Christian, but acts this way. I really do not want my children to think that is okay behavior for someone who claims to be a Christian, let alone someone in general. Well, my husband, obviously, does not want to write off as a mother, or the rest of his family, and tends to get upset when I point out the things I don’t like our children being around, what should I do? Is it wrong to want to keep my children away from people who act like this? How do I handle discussing this with my husband without making him upset? Thanks. Dr. Leman: Well, that is a great question, my goodness. Thank you, Michelle, for that question. You have a mother’s heart, for sure. You ask if there’s anything wrong with your thoughts and feelings? No. And, again, keep in mind that feelings aren’t right or wrong, they’re just your feelings, okay? Your problem, quite frankly, isn’t your pot smoking, R-rated movie loving, gossipers in-laws, that’s not the problem. You say, “Well, if that’s not the problem, what’s my problem?” The problem is your husband because your husband needs a little lesson in leaving and cleaving. And that is to say that, when you grow up in a family, everything changes. As a kid, you’re supposed to honor your mom and dad. I love it when adults who are 42 years old, write me and say, “Well, Dr. Leman, the scripture says, I have to honor my mom and dad.” Well, wait a minute, it says children. You’re 42 years old. I understand you are a child of your parents, but you’re no longer childlike. You’re an adult, okay? And if your parents, or your in-laws are doing things that are hurtful to you and your relationship with your Maker, or the relationship and the perception of what is a Christian to your kids, I think, you have to take the stand that the two are one. And you and your husband have to be one and make a decision based upon what’s best for your young family. In this case, and I understand the hesitancy, this is the man who this lady gave this guy life, it’s his mom. We’re asking a lot here. But we’re asking him to take a stand for what’s right. Now, am I saying that the parents can’t smoke pot? No, I’m not saying that at all. They want to smoke up, they can smoke up all they want. Am I saying they can’t gossip? No, I’m not saying that either. They can watch R-rated movies, X-rated movies, that’s their business. But when they choose to watch them, or use those practices in the presence of your children that’s where you have full authority to say, “No, go.” So, they have to make choices in their life, if I want to see these grandchildren. And if I want to see my son, quite frankly, because sooner or later, it’s going to get to that point because if your husband, mark my words, does not comply with your wishes on this he’s going to pay for that big time. It’s tough enough, Michelle, to stay married, but when you feel like the one you pledged your trough to, the one you love violates your very being you’re going to have a hard time loving and respecting that man. And meeting any of the needs that he might have, which include feeling needed, wanted respected, et cetera. So, I just gave a lot on your plate, but I love this question because I think this is a question that really takes us to where the rubber meets the proverbial road. Doug: Wow. Andrea and I, both, our eyebrows are up like [inaudible 00:05:51], what do you mean that they’re like going to grow apart? And sounds like they’re going to divorce, if they don’t figure this out. What do you mean by that? Dr. Leman: He’s got a choice to make, are you going to honor your wife, or are you going to honor your parents? That’s why I say he needs a lesson on leaving and cleaving. And just a personal note to husband, your parents are not going to give you those exhilarating thrills in life, if you know where I’m going. Doug: So, this one is pretty cut and dry, right? Like if they really are this terrible of an in-law, it’s kind of easy. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Again, keep in mind, I’m saying they can smoke their pot. They can do whatever they want, they just can’t do it around your children. Doug: Right. So, we’ll go to her issue first, and then I’ll ask my second question. Her issue is how do I talk to my husband about this? How do you have that conversation? What does she do? Dr. Leman: You are blunt, you are asking him to listen to just five minutes without interruption. That’s all I need is five minutes of your time. Ladies, listen, I know that’s a stretch for some of you. Organize your thoughts, get it down to five minutes. Remember that men like news items out of your mouth in small increments, we want the USA Today version. So, give it to him straight, tell him how it makes you feel, tell him how it makes you feel like not responding to him because the respect level that you have for him is plummeting before your very eyes. Now, he’s not going to like what he hears from you, okay? I’m just saying, shoot it to him straight. Don’t paint any pretty pictures here. Your husband does not respond to pretty pictures. It’s sort of like grabbing your husband with your hands on each ear, bringing him in close, we call that focused attention, establishing eye contact and saying, “I need you to listen to me for five minutes straight because there’s something that is really bothering me, and I believe it’s destroying our relationship.” Now, if your husband is worth salt, and he hears the words that something’s going on that’s destroying our relationship he’s thinking, “Is she asking me for a divorce? Are we separating? How much is this going to cost me? Oh my goodness, I feel trapped. I’m embarrassed. What do I do?” I mean, you want all those panic buttons to go off in that husband, because you want him to know how serious you are about this is. Now, see I’ve gone through some of this in my own life, okay? I married a diamond in the rough, I’ll just let it go at that. We’ve had some of these similar type issues that we had to face. And we made that decision as a couple that we’re not subjecting our kids to this and that, and the other thing. We made that when they were little, little older than your two and a half year old, but we made those decisions early in our marriage, and they were good decisions that we made. Doug: Well, I want to just reaffirm what you said that Andrea is super sweet and soft, and for years she thought she was being clear with me, and hoping I would understand what she was trying to say. And it’s just been in the last number of years that she’s understood she has to be blunt and- Andrea: To the point. Doug: To the point and super direct for me to hear it. Right, hon? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). I feel like I’m angry and I’m hurting him, but that’s when he actually hears me. Doug: Say that again because I think- Dr. Leman: I call it the two by four theory here. Doug: Did you hear what she said though? I think it’s really good for [inaudible 00:09:45]. Andrea: I feel like he must think I’m angry, like I’m going to hurt him by seeing what I’m going to say, but it’s super direct, super short, pointed. And a couple hours later, he says, “Thanks for saying that.” Dr. Leman: Well, you got a good one. And I remind you, if you ever want to put him on eBay you’d be swamped with orders for one Douggie T. Doug: But this is not a one five minute conversation, and the husband’s like, “Oh, I get it now, honey. Great, I’ll never go see my mom again.” He’s probably going to fire something back at her, right? Like, “You’re out of control. You don’t understand. You’re selfish. What about your parents,” right? Dr. Leman: Okay so, your answer back to your husband is, “Honey, I’m sure you can handle it. I know this is going to be tough, it’s going to be emotionally tough on you. You’re going to have to have big boy pants conversation with your mom and dad. But I just want you to know, as the other half of you, I am very unhappy.” Listen, I’m just telling you that’s [inaudible] approach. Andrea: It almost feels like that say it once and walk away kind of a thing, rather than getting engaged in an argument. Dr. Leman: You’re going to get his attention by way of the two by four theory. And, again, that’s sort of, “Okay, listen, bub, this is very important. I need your focused attention. I need you to hear exactly how I feel. I have a very terrible feeling about this. Every time I go to the house, I feel like I’m selling myself out. I don’t like the fact that our kids are going to grow up and think that that sweet aroma of that green leafy substance is something healthy for all of us, okay? I don’t want to see my two and a half year old high on second-hand smoke. Hello?” Oh my God, I’m laughing at myself about a serious subject. I shouldn’t be. I think you both understand, this is one of those things where you pull the rug out, and you let them all tumble, and you get people’s attention because this is not a negotiable. This is something that has to change. And if it’s not going to change, then our behavior as a couple, and our behavior as a family will change. Doug: Whoa. Dr. Leman: Now, at that point, ask yourself, where’s the tennis ball? When you say that where’s the tennis ball? It’s on the in-laws side of the court, and they’re either going to have to do something different … right now you allow them to be the irresponsible non-responsible grandparents that they are. Doug: [Wh-oo 00:00:12:26]. When we come back, I want to hear what we’re going to say to our in-laws together as a group. So that, I’m very curious to see. But, thank you, Andrea for reminding me, right now, between now and the end of July, you can get for only a buck 99, When Your Kid is Hurting. For $1.99, When Your Kid is Hurting. And I don’t have an Amazon in front of me and nor do you, Andrea, oh, I feel terrible now. So, Dr. Leman, who is this book written for? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s for parents who are looking at the crack in the ceiling at night not knowing what to do because they know their kids are hurting, and they really don’t know what to say, or what to do. It’s for parents who think, “I don’t think there’s an answer to this one.” It’s a book, do you have to go out and get it today? No, you don’t. But if you can download it now, and keep it in your library, I’ll tell you the day’s coming where you’re going to love that book. Doug: Amen. Dr. Leman: Because it helps you get beside your kid, and really help them through those tough battles in life, which you know are coming sooner or later. It’s not like this is a surprise. Doug: So, I agree with you. For $1.99 you can get it now, you have it. And when it happens, you can whip it out. And even if you just want to use it as a reference on a couple of the different chapters in there, it’s totally worth it. Between now and the end of July. Okay so, Dr. Leman, hopefully, the couple has agreed, “Okay, we’re going to Mom and Dad and telling him no more pot smoking, no more R-rates movies equals no more grandkids.” How do you do that as a couple? How does that happen? Dr. Leman: You start not dropping in to see them. You start by turning down an invitation to come over. “Hey, we’re going to cook hamburgers and watch preseason football. Do you want to join us?” “Well, actually, no we’re not available.” Or, “No, we’re choosing not to go.” Let them get to a point where they say, “Hey, what’s wrong? Something wrong?” “Yeah, there’s plenty wrong. Would you like to hear about it? You come over to our house and we’ll cook burgers out because we have something to say to you that’s very important, that’s going to make a difference in the future of our relationship with you.” “Well, what do you mean?” “Well, you come over and we’ll talk about it face-to-face. This is one of those difficult things, that conversations that has to take place.” So, you see what I’m saying? You start the action. You can start the action by simply not initiating what you normally do, and not accepting invitations to come your way. They’ll figure out something’s wrong. Then, have that conversation. Andrea: So, when you tell them, “We’re not coming over, but we need you to come over for a serious conversation,” I just imagine mother-in-law firing up, getting angry, blowing a gasket on the phone. This is like I’ve just started a forest fire because she probably guessing, she knows because I’ve already been saying, “Hey, turn off that movie. You can’t smoke pot in front of my kids,” so she’s going to know. So, how do I deal with that on the phone? Dr. Leman: So, she huffs some puffs, and she makes a big scene of it. She says, “Oh, you’re talking about this and that. Well, good luck with that.” “Well, Mom, I just thought I’d give you the opportunity to have a discussion about it. If you choose not to discuss it, that’s your decision.” Again, at that point, when you say, “It’s your decision,” where is the tennis ball life? It’s in their court and that’s where it belongs. So, you’re going to keep the tennis ball on their side of the court. Doug: Okay. And then, one last question, I’m want to go back to the wife and husband situation. So, the wife has been super blunt, she laid out her things, the husband said, “Okay.” And then, a month later he’s like, “Hey honey, I really want to go see my mom, it’s her birthday. I really want to go over for her birthday party. It’s just her birthday, let’s go.” What do you do then?” Dr. Leman: “Honey, listen, I know this is very difficult for you. If you want to go to your mom’s birthday party, please go have a great time. In fact, wish her happy birthday from me, would you? But I’m not going. And I’m not taking our kids over there.” Do you see what we do here? Now, again, you as a wife now, okay, this is a husband, he wants to spend time with his mom, his dad, whatever, pot smoking, gossiping people that they are. Let him go, let him go and do it. Now, the extent that he does that, if he does that too much, what’s going to happen to that wife’s feelings, and that woman’s respect for her husband? And how is she going to interpret that about his feelings for respecting her feelings? His attitude toward respecting her feelings, I should say. So, this man has to man up Doug. Doug: Right. So, after two or three times of him going over there, does she re-hit him over the head with the two by four and say, “I don’t respect you. And I don’t want to be close to you.” Dr. Leman: I think he’s going to feel a distance growing between two of them. See the bad in-laws can drive a wedge between the relationship, just like kids in our own home can drive a wedge between our relationship. So, who comes first? I think the couple comes first. Then, what comes second? Your children. They’re important, but they’re not number one. Kids are not the most important thing, your relationship’s number one. And then, other things are other things. And, unfortunately, or fortunately, depending upon where you are, the in-laws might be as high as three on your list, but they shouldn’t be higher than that. They shouldn’t take precedent, or priority over your spouse, or your children. These are tough ones, but this doesn’t get changed by a mamby pamby approach. This improves greatly when you make hard choices, vocalize those choices, and stick to your guns and don’t waiver. Doug: What about the other way around? Let’s say it’s the wife that really wants to go to the in-laws, and the husband doesn’t, and thinks they’re … Maybe they’re neutral. Maybe they’re not a bad or they’re not a good, they’re just a neutral, how does that play out? She feels like, “Hey, we should go see, these are my parents for Pete’s sake.” And he’s like, “I really don’t want to go. I really don’t want to go.” Dr. Leman: Well, it depends on what the parents are doing. I mean, are we still pot smoking and gossiping? Doug: No. Dr. Leman: I mean, I don’t see the difference. Doug: They’re neutral. They’re not not pot smoking, they’re just difficult. Dr. Leman: We all have difficult people in our life, and many of them are our in-laws. And I think we’ve done podcasts on it’s Thanksgiving time and the in-laws are coming, what do I do? Because they’re really not my cup of tea. And we’ve made suggestions, like get a hotel room for them instead of having them in your home. I mean, and I’ve always said, “Hey, it’s three days, deal with it.” You can deal with it for three days. You can deal with your sister-in-law, who’s got very bad breath for five days, okay? Just put a little hallelujah on day five, she’s gone. Wave to the tail lights with thank you Lord, for small favors as they pull out of the driveway. I mean, there’s some things you have to do because it’s family, and to not roll with the punches makes you isolative, and you’re sort of telling the whole family you’re better than everybody else. So, you have to cut some slack and some grace to these people. There are certain things you do. But when things are just so obviously blatant against what you believe in, and what you’re comfortable with, and you want to be protective of your parents … of your children, rather, you need to make those tough decisions. Doug: Thanks for that clarification, so that people don’t go out there and all of a sudden these wives start sitting their husbands down and be like, “And we’re not going ever again.” And you’re like, “What? What? My mother, I’m sorry that she cooks with butter and you’re allergic to butter. I’m sorry,” right, or whatever it is. That’s great, so there’s balance. If it’s blatant, hit him with a two by four, if it’s not suck it up and deal with it. Well, thank you Dr. Leman. And, wow, I feel for Michelle. Man, that would be a tough one. And Michelle, thank you so much for leaving this question. If you’re out there wondering, “Hey, how do I leave a question like that,” go to birthorderguy.com/ and put in just about any number, but this episode is 323. And down at the bottom, you’ll see a little microphone. You can click that microphone, and you can leave your question. Just so you know, there is a 90 second limit on it, but you can say a lot of things in 90 seconds. And we’d love to answer it on the air for you, also you can find out information about Dr. Leman, get the book, When Your Kid is Hurting between now and the end of July of 2020 for $1.99 wherever eBooks are sold. Well, thanks for being with us, and asking your questions. And we love helping add to your parenting toolbox, so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great day. Doug: Take care. Bye.

If our kids say to us, “I hate you,” how do we know if it is rebellion or a reaction caused by a deeper hurt? Learn how you can diagnose the cause of this behavior on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– July 1 – 31: When Your Kid Is Hurting ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Should I stop my kids from playing with Legos before A is complete?” Discover how Dr. Leman answers the question on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– July 1 – 31: When Your Kid Is Hurting ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Okay. Your six and four year old misbehave, and you’re sitting there scratching your chin going, “All righty, this guy, Dr. Leman said, “B doesn’t happen until A.” And the Lego box comes out. They go in their room and grab it. What do you do? Do you snatch the Lego box? Do you wait for the opportune moment? Do you pull them aside right then and say, “This is not appropriate behavior.” What do you do? How do you apply B doesn’t happen until A to a six and a four year old? That’s the question that Elizabeth asked that we get to ask Dr. Leman for you. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. Welcome. If this happens to be your first time, want to let you know, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. If this is your first time with us, you’re going to learn one of the core principles around here. That B doesn’t happen till A, but let’s hear Elizabeth’s question. Elizabeth: Hi, Dr. Lehman. My name is Elizabeth. I live in San Antonio, Texas, and I have two girls ages, six and four. Love your books. Love the podcast. I have a question about B doesn’t happen until A is complete. Is B the thing that I’m going to do for them that they want, or is it the thing that they can do by themselves? For example, say they haven’t cleaned up their room and then they go start getting a toy out like Legos in the playroom and play that. It’s something they didn’t need my help to do, but they haven’t cleaned their room first. I think the answer is I let them play the Legos and then the next time they want something from me, I say, “I don’t feel like it right now.” And let them figure out that they need to clean their room first. Because when I try to make them not do the things they can do by themselves, I feel like I’m micromanaging them. But I would just like some clarification on B doesn’t happen till A is complete. What about if the next thing they want to do is something they can do on their own? Is it okay for them to do that? And then I just don’t let them do the next thing that I need to help them with? Thanks for your help. Dr. Leman: Well Elizabeth, I can tell straight off that you’re a great mom. Congratulations. You’re surviving parenthood, six year olds and four year olds. Well basically, I mean, the scenario you gave us was kids are supposed to clean their rooms. Well, they’re six and four. A six-year-old is developmentally way ahead of four-year-old. Okay? So you talk about reason and talking to kids, huge difference from talking to a six year old from a four year old. But to answer your question, it’s more from the standpoint of your kid’s not doing what you’ve asked them to do. The first thing I would suggest is you have some kind of a little chart. I’m usually not real big on charts, but I think it’s helpful for kids that age, where they have daily routine. If the daily routine is to clean your room, you get a little board or a little magnets on it where they can move at where it’s done so they can understand. And that’s taking what I call, taking time for training. You’re going to train kids to do certain things in the home, but basically in the scenario presented, they’re supposed to clean their rooms and they didn’t. Okay, they’re six and four. So they’re not always going to be good at remembering do that. I’m older than six and four and I still have a hard time remembering that. Okay? And thank goodness God gave me the wife He gave me who’s so good at reminding me of those kinds of things. That was humor for just Doug and Andrea because we had a conversation earlier. See they’re laughing. They’re with me. You guys are in the dark. Sorry about that. But anyway, what I would do in that situation, okay, I would move in and the kids are with their Legos. I’d pick the Legos up. Okay? And I’d put them up and I’d say, “Your chore list needs to be worked on before we play.” Now, the other scenario is that the Lego’s are up on top of a closet and they can’t get them and they come to you and they say, “Mommy, would you get our Legos down?” “Honey, I don’t feel like doing anything for you right now. I’m very upset because you didn’t clean your room. You have work to do. You go get your work done and then we’ll have a conversation.” Now that’s keeping the tennis ball life, as I like to say, in their court. It says there’s order is going to prevail on our home and you’re going to take care of these things. Okay? So that’s basically how I would handle that because, see your kids, your question was very perceptive. Your kids could go not cleaning the room and do a series of things, play Legos, and then get a game out and then drag something else out. And before long, your family room looks like a cyclone hit it. And not only do you not have a clean room, but they haven’t picked up their Legos when they went to the next thing. And that’s the nature of kids. That’s what kids do. And that’s why I think if you want to teach structure and A comes before B, then start … This is a beautiful time to train those kids about that. And they’ll learn rather rapidly that first thing you do is get up and pick up your room and clean your room or brush your teeth or whatever the order of the day is. So that’s how I proceed with that. But again, Elizabeth, I can tell you’re a great mom. You want to do the right thing. That’ll help. Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman, I have two things. One, you should be lucky to have Mrs. [Upington] in your life. I’m telling you. Any snarky comments are not accepted. Right Andrea? Andrea: Amen. Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Oh boy! They’re turning on me folks. Doug: We might just call her. Dr. Leman: Oh, don’t call her. Doug: We might just call her. Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Don’t do that to me. Doug: I’m going to call her and say, “Do you know what he said on air to thousands of people? Andrea held up a note and told me defend Mrs. Upington. So I did that.” Right [inaudible 00:06:19]? Okay. Number two is, I’m totally confused. I don’t understand you anymore. So I thought we were not supposed to when B doesn’t happen until A is complete, I thought we were supposed to wait until the child initiated a need from us. And you’re telling this mom, “Step in and initiate the problem.” I don’t … Those are two, those two stories don’t match for me. Dr. Leman: Let’s start with kids are always asking for something. But in this case, they, apparently, I assume they had their breakfast. They got up. They do whatever kids do when they get up and they didn’t clean their room, which they know they’re supposed to do. Mom didn’t remind them to clean their room, which is good on her part. And the kids go right into the, get the Legos out in the family room. And she’s sitting there thinking, “Oh my goodness! They didn’t clean their room.” So I suggest, “Okay, a little chart might help” or whatever. But now the Legos are out. Go in. Exert your authority. Pick up the Legos and say, “Honey, we’re not playing Legos now you have work to do.” Let the kid figure out what the work is. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s ideal when a kid comes and says, “Mommy, drive me here. Mommy, would you get me this? Mommy, would you get me that?” Because kids are always asking those questions. Always. And yes, those are the premier shots, so to speak. When you can say to a kid, “Mommy, doesn’t feel like getting you anything right now. I’m very upset about the fact that you didn’t do your work.” Turn your back and walk away. That will get most kids headed in the direction of their work because, as I’ve said, many times, your kids actually want to please you. Well, let them please you, but as part of the training process. But keep in mind, they’re six and four and as a four year old, is, they’re four. Six is young enough, but four is really young. So it takes time for training and four year olds going to take their cues from six year old. And so there’s times you step in and just make it happen. Doug: So Andrea, for me and myself, I’m trying to imagine, okay, so our two kids, six and four, they didn’t do their, whatever. They dragged that Lego box out in the living room or whatever. And I started to see him play with it and I’m seething inside or whatever. I know I’m not supposed to be, but I’m all wound up. So I go over and I scoop up the last of them. I pick up the box and I go put it somewhere high where they can get it. But I definitely mean, I can’t say anything at this point or am I supposed to say something at this point? Dr. Leman: Okay. You have full authority, okay, in the home. You can do whatever you want to do. There are many ways to skin the proverbial cat. Okay? So don’t lock yourself into, “I must do this. I must do that.” Certain situations, and quite frankly, depending upon your mood and the day, and you got a dental appointment scheduled at one o’clock and we’re talking morning. And one of the things you really don’t like doing in life is going to the dentist. And that might color your need perfection in your life or your need to move things along or put order in your life. Whatever. I understand all those things. But I think you have to realize that your God given responsibility is to be in authority over your kids and how you exert that authority is up to you, the situation, the time of day. I mean, you’ve got company coming that day for dinner, let’s say, and you really want to just sit there and wait for the teachable moment, while the kids go from Legos to this, to this, to this, to this. And now the entire home seems to be trashed. You see what I’m saying? So it is situational. So there’s days where mom goes in and just picks up the Legos and puts them away and says, “We got work to do.” Doug: So I’ll confess. I like black and white, right? I like it’s … right? I like, I always never talk to the child or I always do this. So the freedom you’re giving me actually creates more, whatever, not good insight. Andrea: Discomfort. Doug: No, discomfort. Dr. Leman: [crosstalk] I’ve heard you say so many times, “We hope we have added to the tools in your parental toolbox,” true? Doug: Correct. Dr. Leman: And what we’re doing today is what? We’re adding tools to the parental toolbox. There’s lots of ways you can do things. You have the freedom. You’re the parent. And again, it’s situational, depending upon do you have company coming over? Do you have a dental appointment? The kids have to be someplace, on a play date. I mean, all kinds of things that fit into your day, but you’re an authority, which means the buck stops with you, parent. And the point is that kids see that what you say and do is consistent and you mean business. And by consistent, I mean that you’re willing to take action. The kids aren’t going to feel like, “Well, she’s a pushover.” Doug: Here’s what I’m reacting to, now that I’ve kind of processed my thoughts for a moment. As a recovering authoritarian King of the Hill, I liked the parameters of no yelling because I can do that, no powering up to go B as an happen until A helped remove my I’m going to control this situation, bad. And to have the freedom actually scares me because then I go back to, “Oh. I’m the authoritarian person. I can do whatever I want to however I want to. And okay, Lehman said, ‘I can do B doesn’t happen till A’ however I want to.” How do I keep that in balance? Dr. Leman: Well again, we didn’t give you permission to be an authoritarian. All we’ve done is given you permission to be an authority. And order needs to be part of our homes. A home that’s disordered is not going to function well. No one member of the family is more important than the family. Everybody pitches in. The old Barney song, “Everybody clean up, clean up,” whatever it is. Everybody is part of the team. And we want to do team building in our own family, but showing kids your displeasure and their failure to do some basic, simple things in life, to me, is okay. And that’s why using the words, “I’m very upset. I’m disappointed,” you don’t have to shame the kid, just share your disappointment that the job hasn’t been done. “All right, that’s not my job. That’s your job. You live in that room. I don’t live there.” Doug: So Andrea, I’m to obviously power up, control things. You might be a little bit more on the other side. Andrea: Permissive? Doug: Yeah. What do you think about this? Imagine you’re six and four year old, your older two kids, they haven’t done what you’ve asked them to do and they pull out books. They’ve got a book of, their box of books that they’re pulling out the living room to start pulling them out. Could you walk over and say, “Put the books in,” and say, “I’m very disappointed in you,” and put the books away? Andrea: I think that the “I’m very disappointed in you” and not explaining why is a little hard. I would probably be softer about it. And I would probably say something like Dr. Leman said earlier is, “You need to check your chore list before you get this going.” Doug: But the pick the books up and put them somewhere else, would that be tough to do? Andrea: Probably not too bad. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Doug: But you’d have to tell them something? Andrea: Yeah. But I would say, “You guys need to check your chore list before you get going on this.” And I could probably, depending on how I’m feeling, throw in, “I’m really disappointed.” Dr. Leman: Yeah. And I like to check the chore lists from the record. That’s good. Check the chore list. That’s good. Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Keep in mind. Am I putting the tennis ball on my side of the court or am I putting it on their side of the court? And when you say, “Check the chore list,” you’re clearly putting out their side of the net and that’s what you want to work to strive to have consistency where the kids are accountable and responsible for the little things they choose in life because those six year olds and four year olds are going to be 18 and 16 someday. And they’re going to be facing choices that can be life changing, that can be deadly, that can put them in other people at risk. So take time for training is really something that every parent needs to understand, that I’ve said many times. I, once in a while, I get a snarky email from it that having a pet and having kids have some similarities and you have to train early. Doug: So okay. I get it. Now what you’re saying is that I should be looking at it as I am trying to train them to be responsible for their own actions, adults someday. And look at it that way. And I have to take out my angst of companies coming over or how many times do I have to tell them this? This is … yeah, I get it. Dr. Leman: Well, it’s, again, it goes back to the concept, Doug, of reality discipline. And that basically says, “Let the reality, again, of the situation, whatever it is, be the teacher to the child.” So it’s the situation that you’re unhappy with, that you’re disappointed with, that you’re angry at, that you’re upset about whatever it might be. It’s a situation. And that helps you from being too punitive and too sarcastic or demeaning or anything else that authoritarian parents tend to fall into the trap of doing. Doug: Well, and as an authoritarian parent, after I give the eBook thing here, I think it highlights something to me, but I’m going to make sure I get this in. The eBook offer from our friends at Ravel is When Your Kid is Hurting for a 1.99 between now and the end of July of 2020, When Your Kid is Hurting for only a buck 99, Andrea- Andrea: This is one of your newer books, isn’t it, Dr. Lehman? Doug: It is. Dr. Leman: Yeah, it is. Andrea: Here’s a little review here. She said, “I love it. This book is great. It has a lot of helpful information. I just love Dr. Lehman. I was not disappointed.” And BJ said, “When someone you love hurts, hurting parents of hurting children need to read this book.” Doug: So if you have a hurting kid and you’re wondering, how do I deal with the wounds of life, you can get When Your Kid is Hurting for a buck 99 between now and the end of July, wherever eBooks are sold. And now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: We have a huge sign hanging in our gymnasium at Leman Academy of Excellence. And underneath it, it say, “Where learning is fun.” Hey parent, learning should be fun because not in the school where they’re having fun, get them in a different school, but the home ought to be fun. And again, the fact that your home is fun, goes a long way in the peer group. Kids are some times surprised that their friends like you, but that’s a great message that Sarah’s mom and dad are really cool. What does that mean? It means they’re friendly. They show interest in what those kids are all about, what their interests are, and it doesn’t hurt that they have some treats when the kids come over and might be the first to say, “Hey, would you like to go to dinner with us tonight? We’re just going to go down here to Chick-Fil-A and get a sandwich, but we’d love to have you join us. Call your parents, see if that’s okay. We’ll be glad to drop you off.” Make your home life experience fun for your kids. Let your kids be proud of you. Why? Because you show interest. You’re always smiling. You’re always kind and thoughtful to their friends and then your kids will never fail to bring the peer group into your home. Parents, that’s a great way to keep an eye on who you’re kid’s hanging out with. Doug: Okay. So Dr. Leman, here’s the interesting thing I realized is that this ambiguity, that this enters in for me, makes me realize how often I try and control or keep out the old bad habits within me. How do people like me, that can sometimes have this fire that just is always slowly burning in them, be aware of how much that can spill over into our parenting? How do we make sure that we’re in the right spot? Dr. Leman: If you find encouragement in the words of others, I love the fact that St. Paul who authored so much of the New Testament essentially calls himself a loser. He calls himself wretched. He says, “I tell myself, I’m not going to do these things, but I do these things.” Always love to remind listeners and viewers of this fact, what day of the week do diets start on? Tomorrow, Monday, and then we followed up with, “Connie, pass me that cheesecake.” That’s the human condition, Doug. It’s called a carnal self. We shoot ourselves in our own foot, but for some of you who struggled with perfectionism, and maybe you came out of a family that wasn’t close to ideal, maybe for you, it’s three steps forward and two back. And you’re going to fail. And I’ve said many times, and again, I’m a Christian. I’m believer that Jesus will return to this earth someday and will reign forever and ever. And without understanding, I have to understand my carnal nature is a screw up. I can have all the love and joy in my heart until somebody cuts me off in traffic and a word came out of my mouth that shouldn’t have come out, but it did. I mean, we’re an unperfect group of people. So don’t hold yourselves, parents, to some unrealistic standard. You’re going to fail. When you blow it with your kids and you’ve said things that were inappropriate or whatever you say, “Honey, I owe you apology.” Kids are resilient. They’re all pretty good at forgiving parents, quite frankly. And you never look bigger in your kids’ eyes, parents. So when you say to your son or your daughter, “Honey, I misspoke. I was clearly wrong. Would you forgive me?” And so keep that in mind. We’re not trying to create perfect parents here on our podcast, but we would like to help create good parents. Doug: Well, thanks for that and I think that is a great reminder to apologize when I blow it, which I actually, I have to do with the kids because I did blow it this week because I was too wound up. Maybe that’s why I’m asking the questions. So well, Elizabeth, I appreciate your question a ton and it sounds like you are a great mom. Kudos to you to even get the concept of B doesn’t happen until A. If you don’t understand that concept, and when I say B doesn’t happen until A is he has a new idea to you, I would highly encourage you to go read, Have a New Kid By Friday to get that idea. Making Sure They’re Mine Without Losing Yours. Both of those are great, great books to lay out this concept. So you have the confidence to apply it. And again, I listen to Dr. Leman a lot and it still helps when I reread his books and I re go through these concepts. If you haven’t read those two, highly, highly recommended. And if you have a hurting kid, you can get When Your Kid is Hurting for now, until the end of July of 2020, for a buck 99. Well, it is a joy to be with you and we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and add to that parenting tool box so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Bye-bye.

What do you say to your child when they are hurt by bullying? Learn more about how you should respond on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– June 1 – 30: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   **Special Offer– July 1 – 31: When Your Kid Is Hurting ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Your daughter walks in the door, tears are streaming down her face, and she just walks right into her room and slams the door. Later on you get to talk to her and you say, “What’s wrong?” She says, “Someone called me fat at school today.” What do you do as a parent? How do you respond to them? What’s going on with that kid? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: Boy, I started that one off kind of on a dour note, didn’t I? But we’re really glad that you’re here. So I’ll say woohoo. And we want to let you know, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. So definitely I have a quick funny story, maybe this isn’t funny, but I’ll tell it anyways. So we always go camping at the same spot as a family, and we raft down this little river part, not very long. And so we made a river raft, song and I’m offended at my children because when they came to the song that’s part of me, listen to Andrea’s already laughing. When they come to the part of song that’s about me, I am called Huge Butt by my children, who knocks all the children off the raft. Andrea: That’s because you’re dragging on the rocks. Doug: Oh, look at Andrea’s even adding to this, Dr. Leman. Help me. This is how I get treated around here. Andrea: It’s just perfect, because this is the last day they can call in and describe us. Doug: Oh. Dr. Leman: Oh, yeah. Andrea: You just gave away a little piece. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Boy, I hope people were listening to that, but yeah, we want to know from you. I don’t know about you, but I listen to radio and I listen to a program and I don’t know what the person looks like, but I have in my mind what that person looks like. And then I meet that person someday and I go, “Oh, Whoa, wow.” I get the voice. But I didn’t think that he or she looked like that. And so we want to know what your perception is of what Doug Terpening looks like, and his wife Andrea. I’m not going to call her lovely. I’m not going to call her pretty. I mean, I could call her Old Dog Face to throw you off if I wanted to, but that wouldn’t be kind, would it? But we want to know how tall is Doug? How tall is Andrea? What do they look like? What are their facial features like? What’s their body type like? I mean you name it, put as much detail it as you can, and they will pick a winner. And we will send you a copy of my newest book, which is a good one, why Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It. So have at it. We want to hear what you have to say about what the Terpenings look like. That’s T-E-R-P-E-N-I-N-G. A terpening. I’ve said this so many times, but a terpening sounds like it’s a little animal that lives in Australia under a rock, a terpening. Are there a lot of terpenings in the country? Doug: No, there’s not a lot. Andrea: Not that we know of. Doug: Not a lot. Dr. Leman: Where did that name come from? Do you know? Andrea: We think Dutch. Doug: We think it’s Dutch, but it’s kind of… Andrea: Terpening. Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Terpening. Doug: My friend just came back from the Dutch and they said that it’s like a phrase for someone who is frugal. Is that right, Andrea? Andrea: Like the Dutch. Doug: Like the Dutch. Andrea: Penny pincher. Doug: Penny pincher. Dr. Leman: Penny pincher. Are you a penny pincher, Doug? Doug: Well, in every family there’s a spender and a saver, right? Let’s just say Andrea does a better job of making sure the money lasts to the end of the month. We’ll just say that. How about that? Dr. Leman: Okay. So one of the descriptions could be that her gray matter is larger than yours. I’m amusing myself now. I can’t wait to see what you guys say. Take the time to tell us what you think Doug and Andrea look like. I think it’d be fun. We’ll read some of them on the podcast. You might get a kick out of them. Doug: We’re making this up on the fly as we go, Dr. Leman, but could they post those even do your Facebook account or not? Or would that be a bad idea? Should we make them leave an audio description? Dr. Leman: Oh, I don’t care. Sure. Whatever. Doug: Okay. Dr. Leman: On my Facebook, Dr. Kevin Leman Facebook, there’s like 78,000 people on there. So help us spread the word about the podcast. It doesn’t need a lot of fanfare, quite frankly, because we know a lot of people are on that every day. But help your friends out say, “Hey, I listen to this podcast. You might like it,” and share it with them and help us grow our audience. That’s always fun to see. Andrea: How do they leave an audio description? Doug: So you go to- Andrea: podcast questions? Doug: Go to birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. Or you can look at the latest episode and at the bottom of it. So you can go to birthorderguide.com/320 or whatever number less than that. And there’s a little microphone and you can click right there, and you can leave your description. That would be great. It’d be fun. Are the two of you done insulting me by the way, can we move on now? Are you done? Or is there anymore? Andrea: Did I insult you? Doug: You said that my butt dragged on the rocks and that’s why I was called- Andrea: I was just giving a description of what happened when we were going down the river. Doug: Oh, okay. Thanks. Yeah, great. I love you, both of you, so much. Alrighty. Well, so Dr. Leman, maybe we should change the question from my child came home crying because she was called fat to Doug came home cried because he was called fat by Dr. Leman and his wife. How do you help our children when they have to experience these kinds of- Dr. Leman: Well, let’s start off with a multiple choice. You heard Doug’s description. Your kid comes home in tears and goes right to the room and slams the door. And he asked the great question, what do you do? Well, here’s a multiple choice. You go in and sit on your child’s bed and said, “Honey, what happened? What’s wrong?” That’s A. B. You come to the door and you knock and you say, “Honey, can I come in?” Or C. You do nothing. What is the proper answer? Doug: Oh, Andrew, you’re the one with more gray matter. Why don’t you answer? A, B, or C Andrea. Andrea: I’m going to go A. I’m going to come in and sit down with them. Doug: She’s wrong, Dr. Leman, tell her! Just nail her. Dr. Leman: She is wrong. Do you want to take a guess? Doug: C, you wait for them. Dr. Leman: C, C. And that’s just the mother in her, okay. Her little chick is wounded. That little dove’s got a broken wing and mama bear is going to run over there. I really don’t mind the idea of the parent coming in and sitting on the edge of the bed. But I really don’t like the idea of just walking in there and sitting on the edge of the bed and saying, “What’s wrong?” because that’s not going to get us anywhere. So you need time to really think it through as an adult, what should I do? Okay. And if in doubt, do nothing for a while. And that child needs some time to comprehend what’s happened and have a little cry and get themselves back together, okay. There is a time where just simply saying, “Honey, can I come in?” or knocking on the door, and this might be late that night, it might be the next day. But there is an appropriate time to just come in and gently sit in the bed and say, “Honey, I don’t know. You seemed awful upset. Is there anything you want to talk about?” That’s all. And if the kid says, “No, I don’t want to talk about whatever.” Do not resist that one bit. Say, “Honey, that’s fine. Maybe another time,” and leave. So after all the emotion gets subsided to the point where she isn’t crying and you feel like you got a handle on things, then I think you’ve got to give the kid a pocket answer. And you have to understand that when a kid is snarky and nasty and calls a kid a name, whether it’s fat or four eyes or something worse than that, you got to remember the kid that’s doing the talking is a kid who doesn’t like himself to begin with. And my classical go-to line for kids is to say to that kid, “Whoa, I didn’t realize you felt so bad about yourself.” That’s the antidote for the kid who’s being snarky with your kid. And your kid has to have that in their repertoire of behavior. So when those curve balls come rather than look like a deer that’s frozen in the middle of a highway, they have a response that’s almost memorized. It comes out that easy. It’s a wonderful way of fending off the people who want to tear you down. Doug: So Andrea, as the resident mother here who failed the quiz, just pointing that out. Andrea: Yes, thank you for reminding me about that. Doug: Yeah, I’m not rubbing it in. Could you wait if your baby is over there crying in her room or his room? Andrea: It’s awful hard. Because you want to come and comfort them. I like what you said, Dr. Leman about giving myself time to think so that I’m not just reacting, and giving them time to think. Dr. Leman: Well Andrea, let me tell you, I know you well enough to know you could pull this off really easy. And even if you went in there, if we allowed your answer to be the correct one, and you went in there and you sat on the edge of the bed, and you just simply patted your daughter a couple of times on the shoulder and got up and left, that would be okay. Because you’re showing by way of your action that I’m here, I’m available, and I’ve got compassion for whatever you’re going through. Does that make you feel better? Andrea: Yes. Thank you. Dr. Leman: Just no words. Andrea: Okay, no words. Just pat them on the shoulder, let them know you’re there, that you recognize they’re hurting, but don’t try and dig out what’s going on. Dr. Leman: Right. Exactly. Doug: What’s interesting about that advice. I rarely agree with you on what you say, Dr. Leman, but since I’m already in trouble with Andrea, I’ll just keep going. Andrea is amazing, and if the kids are hurting they go to her. But one of the things that we all sort of fear about mom is, if we are ever hurting or sad or negative we almost aren’t allowed to be that, because mom’s going to come in immediately and try and comfort us. That we don’t even get a chance to process it ourselves in a sense. And so some things that are a molehill feel like a mountain at times. So it is interesting. Andrea: Oh, that’s good for me to hear. Doug: But if we wait, then we come and come to you. Huh. The ebook offer from our friends at Revell is When Your Kid is Hurting, for a dollar 99 between now and the end of July of 2020. When Your Kid is Hurting for only a buck 99, Andrea. Andrea: This is one of your newer books, isn’t it Dr. Leman? Dr. Leman: It is. So go ahead and read the Amazon- Andrea: Okay, here’s a little review here. She said, “I love it. This book is great. It has a lot of helpful information. I just love Dr. Leman. I was not disappointed.” And BJ said, “When someone you love hurts, hurting parents of hurting children need to read this book.” Doug: So if you have a hurting kid and you’re wondering, how do I deal with the wounds of life, you can get When Your Kid is Hurting for a buck 99, between now and the end of July wherever eBooks are sold. And now a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Hey parents, we’re pounded with opportunities to help other people. If you’re a TV watcher, which I’m somewhat ashamed to tell you, I do watch TV. You’ll see these ads where you can help wounded veterans or families who’ve lost men or women on the battlefield for only $11 a month or $19 a month. Or we see ads for St. Jude’s Hospitals that treat kids who have had major disruption in their lives. There’s opportunity to give to people everywhere we look. And I think it’s important that kids learn that they are not the center of the universe and giving is part of life. If God has blessed us in any way, with whatever we’ve got, and we share that with other people, I think it’s important to have kids share in that. They have allowances. I know we’ve gone out and literally ministered, if I can use that term, to homeless people. We’ve had our grandchildren with them. We’ve had grandchildren actually give the gift that’s in an envelope to the homeless person. Because I want our grandchildren, our children to see people just like they live. And everybody doesn’t live in a four bedroom home with premium wifi. Trust me. So giving is part of our responsibility to help others in need. It’s a great lesson for your kids to learn. Who should they learn it from? You. Doug: Well, it is a joy to be with you. And if you have a hurting kid, you can get When Your Kid is Hurting from now until the end of July of 2020 for a buck 99. We look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and add to that parenting toolbox so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care, bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I potty train my 8-year-old?” Discover how Dr. Leman answers the question on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– June 1 – 30: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript

Are your words directed toward the act or the actor? Learn about the difference between encouragement and praise on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– June 1 – 30: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Andrea, I think you are the best in the world cook. Or is it, Andrea, there’s no cook better than you in the whole world? Is that the right way to say that? Are those the wrong ways to say that? Does that help Andrea or not? That is the question I get to ask Dr. Leman today. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: We’re talking about what’s vitamin E? What’s the difference between encouragement versus praise, and how do we help our kids with that? Doug: I forgot to mention at the beginning, if this is your first time with us, welcome, glad you’re here. Want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If this subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Doug: So, Dr. Leman, before we go on, I know we just did this last week, but we got to make sure we do it again because some people don’t listen to every podcast. We have our own little contest. That contest is, Andrea, you want to [crosstalk 00:01:08]. Andrea: Oh that is. Dr. Leman thinks it would be very fun to hear how you would describe Doug and myself because you don’t see us, you just hear us. So to the people who best describe us according to the Terpening kids’ judgment, you will get a free book, his newest book called … Doug: Why Your Kids Misbehave and What You Can Do About It. We should see if people can figure out what color hair you have. Andrea: How about you, too? Doug: Well, yeah. And your eyes. She has beautiful eyes. Andrea has beautiful eyes. Dr. Leman: And whether you’re tall or got a little pot belly, too much weight, not enough weight. Do you have that gaunt look? Be descriptive. Tell us what you think the guy looks like, and tell us what you think Andrea looks like. I mean, is Andrea caught in tennis shoes most of the time? Or is she one of those ladies that has to wear real shoes and brightly-colored or earth tones? I mean, this is your chance to win a book. So go at it. I think it’d be fun to see what you have to say. Who’s taller than the other? There’s a good one. Andrea: Oh, there’s a good question. Doug: Oh, yeah. There’s a good question. Andrea: So how do they do this, Doug? Doug: You go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion. You get 90 seconds to leave what you think. So go there, and you will get the new book, which is a great book, by the way. Can’t recommend it enough to you. As always, if again you want a foundational book from Dr. Leman, go get that one, please, Why Your Kids Misbehave and What You Can Do About it. Doug: Today’s question is, Dr. Leman, every now and then you drop this point that we need to slip our kids a little bit of vitamin E. But you are very clear that we need to make sure that we are doing encouragement versus praise. What is the difference, and why is that important? Dr. Leman: Well, praise is hollow, number one. I always say, “If you want to praise something in life, praise God. He’s worthy of your praise.” Your husband, your wife, your kids aren’t. Start with that. Dr. Leman: Maybe we should call this segment Praise Reappraised because almost everybody would tell you on the street of your town that praise is important for children. I’m here to tell you it’s not important for children. I go to the extreme of getting your attention by saying it’s actually destructive. It conveys to a child that your worth is dependent upon what you do. We attach, whether it’s grades or artwork or a recitation they did for school, if it’s too flowery and it’s too I-oriented … Dr. Leman: Maybe this will help you. Are your words directed toward the act or the actor? So you want your words directed toward the act. “Jack, it was so good to walk into that freshly cleaned garage. Thank you honey so much. I appreciate it.” That’s encouragement. It’s not, “You’re the best boy in the whole world.” It’s not gushing over the kid telling him how great he is. Dr. Leman: So that vitamin E says to a kid, “Mom or dad has noticed the hard work I did,” whether it was cleaning your room, just going by the kid’s room and saying, “Wow, your room looks great.” The emphasis is on what? The act. You’re not drawing all kinds of inferences about how great your child is because there’s a clean room. Dr. Leman: So it really, when you think about it, it’s a way of expressing love and admiration for your kid without going over the top. The takeaway is, again, that somebody notices the hard work I put in to this effort. So keep in mind, you want to be toward the act and not the actor, if that’ll help separate that. Doug: So why is it important not to give hollow praise to kids like that? Andrea: Like, “You’re a great kid.” Dr. Leman: The kid makes the deduction in his mind, “I’m loved because I did this, because I got good grades, because I did well in that speech contest or whatever it is.” Is that really what you want to communicate to your kid? Or do you want to communicate to your kid that I love you? It’s called agape love. “I just love you.” Doug: Yeah. This was, again, one of those things that I have learned to adopt even into my professional life. Doug: But I want to go back to that, Andrea, you and I we both say this was … Our parents were fabulous parents. Yet this would be one of the things they did to both of us that later on, we walked with a limp. Would you not agree? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Doug: That our parents said, “You are blank.” They never acknowledged the hard work. They just acknowledged the results. We thought we always had to stay there. Right? Andrea: We had to keep that up. Doug: We had to keep that up. Isn’t that one of the dangers, Dr. Leman, that then we become defined by those things, not by the hard work side of it? Dr. Leman: Right, exactly. So again, parents, I get it. This is not always easy to think through because we’re like trained seals. We all grew up in a praising society where reward and punishment is what was meted out by parents. That’s part of the authoritarian model, that you sit in judgment, that you’re judge and jury. Dr. Leman: I’m just saying that that vitamin E goes a long way. Just a simple, “Good job.” That’s vitamin E. That’s encouragement. “Good job. I’ll bet that makes you feel happy inside.” That’s reflective of the child’s work. So practice it, parents. It takes practice. This doesn’t have to be a long podcast by the way today because this is really sort of basic, simple, and you either get it or you don’t. Doug: It’s simple, but I think it’s a different concept for people. So I just want to accentuate what I’ve learned from you as I’ve applied. Is that when you focus on the hard work and the specifics to make it encouragement, not praise, it’s way more real for everybody. Doug: So what do I mean by that? Andrea, thank you for going the extra mile to buy the extra groceries to make that meal that was so yummy, that I saw that you put the extra spices in and you did the extra effort to make such a great meal for us. And the blah, blah, blah was fabulous.” [inaudible 00:08:26]. That’s way more meaningful than just, “Hey, thanks. You’re a great cook,” right? Andrea: Well, I actually have a question about that, and you’re probably going to take us back to the last podcast. Because what I hear now is, oh, next week when I go to the grocery store, I better make sure I plan another great meal where I go the extra mile because that’s where I get the affirmation. If I just make the normal spaghetti next time- Dr. Leman: Yeah, your act of service button is lit up. That’s your love language. You’re talking to me now. There’s a part of Andrea, I know you good enough to know there’s a lot of pleaser in you. In fact, I think I described you as a wonderful positive pleaser. I don’t want a dog being a pleaser because I married a positive pleaser. Mrs. Uppington is a positive pleaser as well. But there are pleasers who please because they absolutely have to. They beat themselves up, and they’re critical of themselves. They become unequal partners in the relationship because of that. Andrea: Are you at danger of putting your kids into a situation where if I don’t just say, “I love you because … “, but instead I say, “Wow, great job cleaning your room. I noticed the garbage was out early today.” If I’m saying those things, do they start to do it because that’s where they get their affirmation instead of me just saying,- Dr. Leman: Yes. Andrea: … “Wow, that is a great kid.” Dr. Leman: Yeah. “Appreciate your effort. Appreciate you.” You know, “Boy, that meal was great. I remember trying to cook dinners for us when the kids were younger, and oh my goodness, I don’t know how you get it all to come out at the same time, honey. I just want you to know, I appreciate your effort, your hard work you put in this home for all of us every day.” That’s encouragement. Doug: So if I were to say instead, “Andrea, I really appreciate the hard work that you put into making this meal and that you do it every day for this family,” that would feel like not pressure to do it? Dr. Leman: That’s encouragement. Andrea: Right, that’s better. Because now I feel like, “Oh, I don’t have to live up to a high standard every day to get affirmation.” Now, I just know he appreciates whatever level I put into the meal. Andrea: I guess my fear is that the kid will then start doing things in order to gain my affirmation. Instead of a line we use at our house, which is, “No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter where you go, we’ll always love you.” Our kids, they carry that message in their head that even if they didn’t clean their room, we still love them. Dr. Leman: Well, if you’re an encouraging household, your kids will catch on to the lingo, and they’ll be using it themselves. How many times as parents have we told ourself, “I’ll never say that to my kid.” As I always like to say, you not only say it, but you say it with the same tone and inflection that your parent said to you. So you do observe and you absorb the encouraging nature of your parents. If you’re lucky enough to grow up in an encouraging home, my, you’re going to shine in the workplace, I’ll tell you. People are going to love you. So it’s all good. Like I say, this is pretty simple stuff. Andrea: It is pretty simple stuff, but it’s hard sometimes to delineate between encouragement and praise. I think the key is that you’re talking about the heart. You said a couple times that you appreciate the hard work that someone does. So I appreciate the hard work that you did to think about getting the trash out early. I appreciate that. Dr. Leman: And if you need a self-quiz, just ask yourself what I just said, does it really focus in on the act or the actor? So you want to make sure the act is front and center. “That was so kind of you to do whatever.” The premium is on the action. Doug: Right, instead of just saying, “You’re a good kid.” Which is not bad, obviously. But instead of just always be like, “Wow, you’re a great kid because you did this, this, this.” Andrea: I guess maybe it’s just my own issue is I feel like I’m almost being manipulated to keep up that good behavior in order to earn affirmation. Dr. Leman: If you walk around though trying to be Joe encouragement, I mean the kids’ll read you like a book. It won’t come across as natural. Dr. Leman: Just try to incorporate vitamin E in your life. The guarantee is, if you do that, your kids will catch the flavor of the fact that you appreciate them for who they are. And you’re blessed to watch your kids invest in other people’s lives, do things without being asked, being responsible. All you’re doing is watering the positive plant and making sure it grows in a positive direction. That’s all you’re doing. Don’t overdo things. There’s something about moderation that’s good. Doug: So let’s talk real quickly about the critic out there who says, “Well, but Dr. Leman, I can’t say that because actually they didn’t do it right. They took the trashcan and they put it too close to the road. I’m afraid it’s going to get hit. So I can’t say they did a good job by getting it out early.” There’s a lot of people out there that are like, “I like the concept, but if you knew what was going on in my head, Dr. Leman, you’d realize I just can’t do that.” Dr. Leman: I’d say just continue doing what you’re doing and ask yourself, “How are things working out?” Now, that’s a little sarcasm from Kevin Leman. The critics are critical of everything. When you give them a great suggestion, they’re going to find a reason to torpedo it. If you want it to torpedo it, go live your life the way you want to live. I don’t care. Dr. Leman: I love the story of the guy that gets a new hunting dog. You’ll love this one because he was a duck hunter. No offense to you Oregon Ducks up there. But anyway, he gets this great dog. His friend is a pessimist. He’s about the most negative person in the world. He hunts with this guy. He just can’t wait to show him the new dog. So they go out and they get behind their blind. Ducks fly over and, bingo, down comes a duck. This dog all of a sudden goes out and walks on the water, walks on top of the water right on the lake, grabs the duck, comes back, drops it at the guy’s feet. The other guy says, “Just what I thought. That stupid dog can’t even swim.” Dr. Leman: I’m just telling you, the critics are self-critical people. They don’t like themselves, and so they have to criticize everything around. I know myself in teaching a number of years, I got to a point where I’d say to somebody, “You know what? I really can’t solve your problem. I think this is a problem you got to solve. You have asked me, and I’ve answered your question. I’ve told you the best thing to do in this situation, but I’m not into running other people’s lives. So you don’t like this, continue doing what you’re doing. But I ask as a sidebar, how’s life going? Because I happen to know it’s not going well.” Dr. Leman: So anyway, like I say, it’s simple. It’s a reminder. You’re going to need to practice it, parent. Why? Because you didn’t grow up this way. You grew up with reward and punishment. Depending upon how old you are, some of you were taught that children should be seen and not heard. That certainly isn’t the case today. They’re heard way too much. In fact, parents are knocking themselves trying out please their kids. So it’s a little backward, for sure. Doug: I want to talk about that real quickly when we come back from this. So I want to get into this one because this is an e-book I absolutely love, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, for $2.99 between now and the end of June of 2020 wherever e-books are sold. Andrea, do you have a [crosstalk 00:16:53]. Andrea: Yeah. I have another Amazon review by Jim. This is interesting. He called this, “A must-read for all parents, new or veterans. What we all need is a little soul-searching when it comes to our parenting styles and skills. This one helps with that search. My wife and I are raising two grandchildren, and they make the third set of kids. I don’t know if you ever know how to do it right. This book has been a godsend. My wife and I read it at night after the kids are sleeping and discuss our parenting. It’s been a real eye-opener.” Doug: So thank you from Jim. I know he didn’t call you a genius this time, Dr. Leman, so hopefully you’re okay with that. Dr. Leman: I love reviews like that though. The Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours book and The Birth Order Book, and I’ve answered so many questions like this. If it’s a parenting issue and people say, “Okay, where do I start?” Read Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours because it frames beautifully, I think, the difference between being an authority over your children versus being an authoritarian. So those are one-two punch. Read Making Children Mind and The Birth Order Book, and that’ll get your going on some of these Leman books that’ll really help transform your life. Andrea: Absolutely. If you want that foundation, go get this book, Making Children Mind between now and the end of June of 2020 wherever e-books are sold for $2.99 cents. Andrea: Now, a no-nonsense moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Attention, parents of firstborns. Did you ever notice those firstborns many times are cautious, that they’re very hesitant at new things? Old things, they just go full bore, but if you throw them a curveball and give them a new opportunity to do something, chances are that firstborn could be cautious. If they are cautious, there’s a reason for it because they fear failure. Dr. Leman: I think it’s important that you show kids that sometimes you got to go for it. And if you fail, it’s no big deal. One of the ways you do that, I think, is to tell stories about your own life, where you felt timid and cautious and afraid to do things. Tell them stories where you failed. But also tell them stories where you succeeded. That gives kids a balanced idea, where some things are the risk. Dr. Leman: Do I want kids to take risks when they’re driving? No. One of the things I remember my dad told me as a kid growing up, “Kevin, never turn left until you can see the entire lane.” Hey, I’m an old guy on Social Security. To this day. I never, never, never make a left-hand turn unless I can see perfectly. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I want to talk about the current state of how the pendulum … We never told kids anything encouraging; to now, we’re way over here. Like we can’t say anything bad to kids. Here’s the question? Do we praise, encourage our kids too much now for everything that they do? Dr. Leman: Yes. The smallest effort is “Oh, awesome job.” Was it really an awesome job? Again, you just don’t throw those words around. Again, I want to make the point, if the kid’s room is supposed to be cleaned and there’s peanut butter and jelly crusts on the floor, just a simple, “I see your room isn’t ready yet.” Because the kid wants to go out and play. But just a simple, “I see your room isn’t ready yet.” You don’t have to point out everything to them. If you do, you’re saying, “I think you’re so stupid and dumb that you don’t see what needs to be done here.” Let the kid figure it out. If you have to come back four times and say, “It’s still not ready,” so be it. You’re not being critical. You’re just saying, stay in the facts that it’s not ready yet. That’s all. Doug: The reason it’s destructive to always be praising every little thing is, what is the flip side of always saying, “You’re great. You’re great. You’re great,” to the kids? Dr. Leman: Well, you blow blue smoke at them, and you terribly prepare them for a world of reality that’s waiting for them. Because their boss is not going to be gushing over them. Dr. Leman: I don’t make these things up. I read a Wall Street Journal article about companies are trying to figure out what to do with these millennials who expect celebrations at the slightest hint of success in their career. I don’t get it, but it’s sort of what a lot of people grew up with was these over-exaggerations of the child’s self-worth in this world. We brought kids to feel like they’re the center of the universe, and they clearly aren’t. The smart parent teaches kids that other people count in life. Doug: Do we also take away from them the ability for them to be content in themselves and reliant on others to always be lifting them up by doing this or not? Dr. Leman: Yeah, they are looking for the balloon. They’re looking for the congratulatory statement. I mean, life isn’t like that. Bosses don’t like drama. Most bosses don’t like drama, for sure. Doug: You’re right, for sure. Dr. Leman: Don’t be the drama person who insists on your needs are more important than the guy next to you. You get an entry-level job today, my advice is work as hard as you can and ask, “Is there anything else I can do?” Go the extra mile. That’s how you get ahead in this world. Doug: Yeah, our oldest just called us from Costa Rica, where’s he serving down there. He said, “Dad, I feel like I was taken advantage of … ” You know, negative, negative, negative, negative, negative, and “Nobody appreciates me. Nobody appreciates this, all that I did.” I’m finally old enough to realize, I said to him, “Son, I think you should decide that you are the one that’s going to do this for yourself and not anybody else.” He called back and he said, “Dad, thanks so much because you’re right. I did this because I wanted to do this actually, and I want others to know it. But in reality, I’m going to look at all the positives that I chose to do it.” Yeah. I’m learning as well from him. Doug: Okay. Well, what was supposed to be a super-short one, I think is much harder than you realize, Dr. Leman. I think you naturally are an encourager. Dr. Leman: I told you straight out this thing should be short. But no, you had to go into this and into that. Oh, my goodness. Are you expecting some sign of a big star for me today for elongating this podcast well beyond what it should’ve been? Andrea: It’s simple, but it’s not easy. Doug: Oh, she got you. Dr. Leman: Out of the weeds comes a proverbial giant. Oh, my goodness. Let me get my slingshot out, and see if I can take this giant down. Oh, my goodness. Doug: Well, there we go. Encouragement versus praise. Hopefully, that helps you out. I can’t encourage you enough to do that. Doug: Reminder, go get the book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. Sorry, I shouldn’t tell people [inaudible] even pointing. Like Dr. Leman said, you want one of the foundational Leman books to get this done. Again, do it, and thank me later. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, $2.99 cents between now and the end of June of 2020 for e-book. If you want to leave a description of what Andrea and I look like, go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion. Doug: Well, truly we love being with you. Hopefully, you can hear that and know that. It’s changed Andrea and I’s parenting, and I hope it changes yours for the better like it did us. So look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Bye-bye. Thanks. Doug: Take care. Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I get my teenage son to talk to me?” Discover how Dr. Leman answers the question on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– June 1 – 30: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Hey son, how’s your day going? Fine. How was school? Eh. Do you get tired of one word answers from your teenage son? Well, that’s the question Ana asked, “How do I get my 14 year old to talk to me?” And we get asked Dr. Leman his answer. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today on Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman. It is a joy that you are here with us. If this happens to be your first time, I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, before we hit record on the button, we were just laughing about the idea of how would people describe Andrea Terpening and how would they describe Doug Terpening? So well, Dr. Leman, Do you want to give them your description of what you think they’re going to say about me? Dr. Leman: No, we’re not going to tell them anything, but I think it’s interesting because how many times have you listened to people on the radio and you really don’t know what they look like? But most of us get an imagery in our mind about what somebody looks like. And I thought it might be fun to see if our podcast people would like to take a shot at describing what not only you look like, Doug, but your bride as well. Doug: Well, and I thought it was so fun that you’re willing to offer your new book to anybody who comes closest to describing what Andrea Terpening looks like and whoever comes closest to what Doug Terpening looks like. Andrea: Is that two offers? Doug: That’s two offers. Right, Dr. Leman? You said we could give two books. Dr. Leman: Absolutely. And guess who the judges are? The Terpenings themselves. This isn’t 2016. This isn’t 2020, no question about fake this or interference here in this election. This is just which one is the closest to describing these two people from the wetlands of Oregon. Andrea: We’ll have our kids help judge. Doug: Oh yeah, there we go. There we go. That’d be fun. So you’re like, “Well, okay. I have an image.” If you go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion, birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion, just go there and you got 90 seconds. You can leave your description and we’ll play it for James and Nana and John and Carly and say, “Okay guys, who’s closest?” And if our friends the Kings leave an answer, we’re going to disqualify them because obviously they know us, but for the rest of the world. Yeah. Dr. Leman: I’ll give you one clue. One of them’s prettier than the other. Doug: Oh, thank you for saying that about me, Dr. Leman. I love that. Dr. Leman: You a pretty boy. You really are. Doug: When we go places, people often comment about my beauty. So I’m used to it. Andrea: He’s my arm candy. Dr. Leman: There you go. Doug: You should see the look I’m getting from Andrea right now about, yeah, you’re not the pretty one. So, okay. What are we talking about today? Oh, Ana. So, thank you Ana, for leaving this question. And here we go. I’m looking forward to hear how people describe us. It’s going to be fun. Okay. And this is Ana’s question. Ana: Hi, Dr. Leman. My name is Ana [Avoletta 00:03:36]. I’m calling from Brazil. I’m in love with your book about changing my teenager up to Friday. I’ve been applying a lot of your tips. There is something that I still can’t resolve. And this is you keep saying that we should listen to our kids. We should give them the opportunity to say how they feel. And I keep trying to establish a conversation with my 14 years old boy, but he just doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s just say one or two words. “I’m okay. It’s fine.” But he actually doesn’t give me any more words to talk to him or to understand what’s going on. He’s kind of isolated, a little bit cold. I’m trying to use some of your pocket phrases, “Tell me more about it, how you’re feeling about it.” And he’s just not into conversation. I recognize that I may have been for some years an authoritarian mother, it’s been quite a time, about one and a half year that I’ve relaxed and trying to give him more space. But I don’t know how to get out of this non talking situation we are in. Can you please help me with that? Dr. Leman: Well thank you, Ana. My goodness. That is so nice to hear. We’ve got people in Brazil listening into our podcast. Let’s start with some basic facts. Your 14 year old son is a male. I say that because he’s following in the footsteps of many great men who are grunters, one word answerers, non conversationalists. Again, as a reminder, women use three and a half times the number of words that men do in a given day. Point number two is he’s 14. He is entering into what I call the canyon of inferiority. If you ask a 14 year old, who would you rather be in all the students in your class? Most 14 year olds, if they’re honest, would say, “Anybody but me.” They’re going through things at 14. They’re sorting things out. You’re a reformed authoritarian mom, and congratulations on turning that page in your life. You’re going to be successful, but I think, Ana, you’re probably trying a little too hard here. You can chill. If you stop talking, if you stop asking those questions, he will eventually begin to talk. I’m not going to tell you that he’s going to be the conversationalist a year or three months from now or anything like that, but he has to feel like he’s got a little space. And apparently he doesn’t feel like he has space, and you give him space by just backing off. And that means that when he comes home from school, there’s no question about the day. Let him come in and you’re reading a book or working in the kitchen, or maybe you’re at work and just getting home, whatever, and go about your business. If you want to have some fun with this, since he’s a non talker, sit down and fix dinner for yourself one night and let him walk in and say, “Well, where’s dinner?” “Oh, you’re talking again. You’ve been awful silent lately. I had no idea you were interested in dinner tonight.” And give him that look like, “I’m just pulling your chain a little bit,” but you’re making the point. The hovering mom is not good for a 14 year old. That weakens his self-concept. So you need to let him spread his wings a little bit. There’s a fine art to parenting. It’s like a judgment play in a football game in Brazil, which we call soccer, and you’ll see that ref sometimes go to call a foul and he doesn’t. It’s a judgment call. And so you’re in a position where you have to make judgements every day about this kid. Ask yourself this question, what kind of a little guy was he? What would describe his personality between the ages of five and 12? And whatever those words are, I’m going to give you almost 100% guarantee that that’s the young man that he’ll return to in time. 14 is weird. They shut down. They’re trying to sort out life. And so I think the best answer I can give you at how do you get your 14 year old to talk is to stop talking to him. Now, some mothers are rolling their eyes right now saying, “That is the worst advice in the world. This kid could be going through” … Hey, he’s 14. Cut the kid some slack. Check with school. How’s he doing in school? Is he doing well in school? I’ll bet he talks to all his friends. So, step number one is just back off and he will come around. You could always write him notes if you want. And not a lot of notes, just a once in a while note. “I love you. I’m so proud of you.” Just some Vitamin E, some encouragement to him. So I’m not saying shut him out. I’m saying just don’t talk as much. Well, that’s for a starter. What do you guys think? Doug: Well, I was going to ask our resident mother in here who cringed. Her face cringed when you said, “Well”- Andrea: Don’t make dinner. Doug: Yeah, she’s cringing again. So Andrea, what is it within you that’s … because we could somewhat identify with this except that it wasn’t a boy, it was a girl. What is it within you that needs conversation from your kids? What is it that you actually are trying to get from that 14 year old that just drives you to have to have conversation and connection with them? Andrea: Well, I think you just said it. I think connection. Doug: And connection to you comes via words. Andrea: Right. Right. And if I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know, this may be more of a me thing, because then I carry this weight that I’ve done something and I’ve offended them and I need to know what it is so I can make it right. Dr. Leman: Oh, boy. We’re going to put Andrea in therapy, folks, for the next few minutes. The guilt gatherers of life, listen up. Listen, he’s 14. Just chill. He’s also a powerful kid. Remember, that mom was a reformed authoritarian. So in this kid’s growing up years, he had an authoritarian mother who was telling him what to do, how to do it, when to do it. He needed some space. So don’t project your needs as a mom onto your son in such a way it becomes a bigger problem than it already is. Just chill. Enjoy them. Like I say, talk to school, talk to the teacher. “Does my son, is he all by himself? Does he eat lunch by himself?” “No. He’s got a bunch of kids. They go out and play football at break time and they do this and that.” I mean, find out from strangers, from people who rub shoulders with your kids. They’ll tell you. Andrea: What would you tell Ana if she did ask that and the teacher said, “Yeah, at lunch he sits by himself in the corner. He usually tries to pick the desk in the corner of the classroom and doesn’t talk to anyone.” Dr. Leman: Okay. Then it’s not a horses’ hoofs I’m hearing, it’s a zebra. It’s something completely different. There are some things going on. But I would assume if he’s sitting by himself, that we’re going to see the grades change, we’re going to see behavior drastically change. And this might be one of them, his non-communication with his mother. But again, when you hear the footsteps of a 14 year old, it’s probably just the clippity clop of the neighborhood horse coming by, but it could be the clippity clop of a zebra, which is a completely different animal, a different situation. And trust your gut on some of this stuff, mommies. You know your kid better than anybody else does. And sometimes you need some intervention, but if you’re a reader of my books, you’ll rarely see that I say, “Okay, immediately go see a shrink.” That’s the last thing your kid needs you, in my biased opinion. Doug: So this podcast we’re going to rename Pick on Andrea podcast. So I’m going to pick on Andrea here in a little bit. Andrea: Great. Doug: Yeah. So since you’re already in counseling, we’ll just keep piling on you. Andrea: Piling on in counseling. Doug: I guess that’s not the right term. So Andrea almost cannot stand it if her children don’t talk to her. Andrea: That’s true. Doug: She is this motherer of they have to tell her some emotional word to get her off their backs. We all do. And you have to have a connection at deep levels before Andrea feels that the world is okay. So how much of this … I only use that example as I can even see our kids try and push Andrea away at times, like, “I don’t want to have to talk about my deepest feelings, mom. I’m fine. Just let me be.” How much do you think this is that Ana has just been too in that kid’s space and he’s just trying to say, “Give me room to breathe, mom.” What is the chances that’s what it is? Dr. Leman: Yeah. He’s looking for a burrow to dig into, to give himself some time and some space and some comfort. Again, I know we should call Andrea the cringer. In fact, you should give me … Here’s the deal. Since I can’t see you, whenever Andrea cringes, you should say, “Cringe, cringe.” Doug: What if it’s an eye roll? Dr. Leman: Oh, gosh. This woman has talents, folks. She’s like the seventh grade girl who said, “You never let me do anything. You always do this.” Now she’s cringing and rolling her eyes. No wonder we love her around this podcast. Actually, she makes more sense than the two of us sometimes, I’ve got to tell you that. And she’s really good at digging in, like she said. “Well, wait a minute, Dr. Leman, what if you go to school and you find out he is eating by himself, he is a loner where he used to be much more active?” Then I’d give much more credence to honest question about her kid and what’s the changes that are going on in his life. Doug: So what you’re telling us is this kid is a normal 14 year old male, who at times is just trying to figure out life. And if mom backs off, it’ll help. And let him decide when to come and talk. Because the positive for Andrea now, is when our kids are hurting, guess who they don’t come to. They don’t come to dad. They always come to mom because they always know mom’s going to give empathy and compassion and will sit and cry with them. Not so much with dad. Dr. Leman: Okay, Doug, you and I are going to play a little game called love language. And let’s see if we can pull these up. Words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch. Doug: Quality time. Dr. Leman: Quality time, yeah. And there’s one more. Andrea: Service or helps. Doug: Service, helps. Andrea: Gifts. Dr. Leman: No. Doug: And gifts. Andrea: Acts of service. Doug: Acts of service. Dr. Leman: Acts of service. Very good. Very good, cringer. Acts of service. All right. Now, what love language is Andrea’s? Only Doug can talk. Doug: All five. Am I allowed to say all five? Uh oh, I got an eye roll. Eye roll, eye roll. Andrea’s is acts of service and quality time. Dr. Leman: Acts of service and quality time. All right. Now Andrea, what is your love language? Andrea: Acts of service and … Oh, that I give or that I receive? Doug: That you want. Andrea: That I want. Dr. Leman: Yeah. That you receive, yeah. That you want. Andrea: Acts of service and quality time. Dr. Leman: Okay. So he’s got them. All right. So, acts of service and quality time. If I ask you to define what quality time meant in your life, what would Doug … I won’t even go with your kids yet. What would that be like? What would you be doing? Would you be looking- Andrea: I would be walking and talking. Dr. Leman: Yeah, okay. So I was going to say- Doug: And what kind of talking though? There’s a certain kind of talking you want. Andrea: Yeah, meaningful life thing. Doug: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You want to know exactly emotionally how I’m doing. You want me to use emotive words that talk about, “This is how I’m feeling.” This is not bad. You want to know exactly how I feel. Andrea: I want to make sure you’re okay. Dr. Leman: Yeah. But that’s a communication is my whole point. So if you want to torture your wife, just run silent and run deep, Doug, and see what happens. All of a sudden, you’d just mole up and go under the grass of life. Andrea: He’s done that before. Dr. Leman: You’ll drive her nuts. Well, that little mole has done that. What do you do when he does that? Andrea: You go after them more. Dr. Leman: Don’t you force some kind of a blowout over that? Andrea: You try and dig up the mole hole. Doug: She throws a stick of dynamite down there and blows it up. Yes, she does at some point. Dr. Leman: So the danger, I think for Ana down in Brazil, is if she doesn’t heed what we’re talking about today, and she goes in there and tries to make a mountain out of a molehill, she’s going to have immediate negative results. The other book that you might want to read, Ana, is Parenting your Powerful Child, because your 14 year old is powerful, and that’s a direct result of you being an authoritarian parent. So you might find some help in that as well. But my point is that women tend to be much more relational than men. Andrea is the perfect example, I think, of what I would call a positive pleaser in life. She invests in people’s time. She invests in people’s lives. And the little plant, if we could call the plant, Andrea the plant, what does she need? She needs words. She needs acts of service, kindness. She needs quality time, which is communication. And if you want to take care of that plant Andrea, you water that plant with those things. Now Doug, in all probability, isn’t like that. It’s rare that a couple would say, “Well, we both have the same two love languages.” That just doesn’t happen very often. Once in a blue moon. So Doug, just to carry this on a little further, what would you say is your love language? Andrea: Oh, Doug wants me to answer words of affirmation. Dr. Leman: Yeah. All right. So there it is. But see, we’re different. So, but this could get us in trouble. I’m assuming he doesn’t need words of affirmation to the point where you’re saying to yourself, “Douglas, how many times have I told you that?” You just need those attaboys. And I think a lot of men need those words of affirmation that they’re needed or wanted by their bride. And that’s one of the things I wrote about in the book Sheet Music, as well as Have a New Sex Life by Friday, that women need to understand how much a man needs to feel needed by that bride. So we’re talking about communication, and I think problem is solved, quite frankly, if Ana will just back off a little bit and see what happens. He’ll come around. He loves his mama, I’m sure. Mama is the most important person in his life in all probability. Doug: Yeah. Well, I just think, I’ve tried your silence to the kids, because we have a kid that’s somewhat like this and it drives me nuts too. I’ve just learned move on and love them as they are and they’re not going to talk the way I want to talk to them and that’s okay. When they want to talk, I’m ready to talk to them. But it is hard when you’re like, “What is going on inside of that head? Oh, well I guess they’ll let us know when they’ll let us know,” but Andrea has done an amazing job of keeping us on track because we have a great eBook promotion that I think actually really applies to this one too. And it is Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours for $2.99 between now and the end of June of 2020. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, one of Dr. Leman’s best seller books. And I think we said next time we would do an Amazon thing. So, did you have one to do? Andrea: So here’s an Amazon review by Sydney for this book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. “I started implementing Dr. Leman’s recommendations immediately while reading the book. I didn’t wait to finish the book to get started. My kids, my husband and I are all happier with the new way our house is running. I no longer make empty threats. My kids are doing what I say when I say it, mostly. And I’m no longer at my wit’s end at the end of the day. And it’s only been a week since I started changing the way I do things. I’ve always admitted that I was the problem and the reason my kids were unruly. I just didn’t know how to change it. Dr. Leman is a genius.” Doug: So, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, again, if you want a foundational book to do exactly what Sydney has experienced, go get the book between now and the end of June of 2020. The other thing before we go to the parenting moment, I don’t think we mentioned the book we would gift people if they describe us. We talked all about it like- Andrea: You did, his new book. Doug: But we didn’t say the name. Yeah. Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What You Can Do About It. Andrea: Do we have a timeframe for this? Doug: Oh, yeah. We should say between now and the end of June. Andrea: Right. I think so. Doug: Yeah. So June of 2020, if you go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion, and you’re the closest to describing us, we’ll give you the brand new book, Why Your Kids Misbehave and What You Can Do About, as well. Okay. Now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Hey, let me ask you a question, parents. How many of you woke up this morning and said, “I would like to talk to my daughter or my son about sex today”? let me see a show of hands. Okay. I see one hand from a hard of hearing person. That’s what I figured I’d see. You know what? The realities of life is we are sexual beings. God made us that way. Parents, if you’ve got a young boy in your home and he’s 12 years old, 13 years old, and you haven’t talked to him about such things as nocturnal emissions, somebody better talk with him. They’re growing up before your very eyes. If you want some resources, I’ve written books on this subject, A Chicken’s Guide to Talking Turkey to your Kids About Sex. There are books and resources out there, but daddies, you should be talking to your daughters, mommies you should be talking to your sons. Yes, you both should be talking to your kids, but only a mom can tell a young man how women want to be treated. Only a dad could tell a daughter how men view women. This is a tough job. Do it in baby steps if you have to. Go ahead and do it. Doug: Okay, Dr. Leman, I think for the moms out there real quickly, I say we just do a quick role play, just to help them out. So, I’ll be, what was a Brazilian 14 year old boy’s name, do you think? What would be a good one? Andrea: What was the soccer player’s name? Pele. Doug: Pele. I’ll be Pele. Alrighty, Dr. Leman? Dr. Leman: Okay, Pele. Your ball. Doug: Yeah. So I walk in the door. What would you say to me? I walk in the door and you’re sitting there. Dr. Leman: I’d say, “Hi, Pele.” Doug: Hi. Dr. Leman: Then I’d turn around and do whatever I was doing. Doug: What? Okay. Dr. Leman: Or I might go over and just touch him briefly. Just touch his shoulder or back of the neck or whatever. Briefly. Not a big to do, just a something and leave the room. Andrea: And why is that important? Dr. Leman: Men love to be touched whether they admit it or not. There’s some men that don’t want to be touched, but I’m suspect of those guys, to tell you the truth. Most of us like to be touched. It’s just a little general affirmation. “I’m here. Glad you’re home. I’m not demanding or asking you any questions.” You’ll bring instant relief to the 14 year old at that point, and go about your business. That’s all. Doug: No, I could even feel myself as a 14 year old, if my mom walked over to me and said, “Hey, Doug, good to see you,” and just touched me on the shoulder, I would be like, “Oh yeah, mom’s the best.” That’s what I would think in my head. Dr. Leman: Yeah. And it’s not even … Just one word. Hi. You don’t have to overdo that even. Just a simple … It’s a little touch and go. Do you ever watch an airplane do touch and goes? They come in and they almost hit the runway and then they pull up and they go around again. Touch and goes. They should call them almost touch and goes because they really don’t touch most of the time. Doug: So for all the moms out there, it is true, if you just be the positive for your boy. Like my mom, when I was 14, I was a jerk to my mom, but she just loved me through it. I love my mommy. I call my mom whenever I can and I can’t wait to be with my mom nowadays. And she was smart enough to know just to back off and let me be weird during those years. Andrea: I don’t know. I think if I were Ana, I would be encouraged that there’s something else to try here with her son. Doug: And when he wants to talk, he’ll talk, like me. We’re not that different. Andrea: Yeah. Doug: Well, Ana, I hope this has helped you give you hope on how to deal with your grunting 14 year old. It sounds like it might be pretty normal. And I hope you have the tools now to deal with him. Thank you for listening down in Brazil. It was really, really fun. Your English is beautiful and your accent was lovely. I’m glad that you’re enjoying the podcast. So in conclusion, remind everybody, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours between now and the end of June for $2.99 wherever eBooks are sold. I forgot to add that, that it’s an eBook section. Andrea: And a free book to anyone who can describe Doug and I according to our kids’ judgment. Doug: Yes. At birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion, and you get the new book. Alrighty. Well, it was great to be with you today. We look forward to the next time so that you can be like Sydney, that you have the confidence on what you’re supposed to do and really just enjoy your household more and more. Take care. Bye, bye. Andrea: Bye, bye.

Today’s episode is all about responsibility, failure, and reality discipline. Learn about one of Dr. Leman’s favorite sayings on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– June 1 – 30: Making Children Mind without Losing Yours ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: I love tennis. In fact, I love watching it with my kids and my mom. And so this phrase when Dr. Lehman gave it to me the first time, I thought, “What the heck is he talking about?” And the phrase is keep the tennis ball of life in their court. Keep the what in the where and the what? We get to ask Dr. Leman, what does that phrase mean and how does it help us parent? Hi, I’m Doug [Terpening 00:00:30]. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. And welcome, welcome, welcome. If this happens to be your first time, we want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only, and if the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, either you were a tennis player or you were a psychologist and maybe you were both, but what is this phrase keep the tennis ball of life in their court and what does that look like and what does it mean? Dr. Leman: Well, first of all, for the sake of transparency, I hate tennis. I never could play tennis. I excelled in the sports I played, which was the traditional baseball, basketball, and some football, but tennis is one of those things I couldn’t get. But I love the idea of taking that ball and watching some pro make an unbelievable shot and puts it right back in the other guy’s court. There’s something inside of you, even if you hate tennis, that says, “Yes. Oh man, that was great.” I’ve shared this with people before, but it’s just one of my all time favorite scriptures. If you’re a heathen, you can tune out for a minute. You don’t even listen to this. But in John 2, where Jesus changes the water to wine, Jesus’ mother, Mary, comes to Jesus and says, essentially, “Hey son, do your thing. They’ve run out of wine.” He gives her the look and he says to her, “Woman,” calls his mother woman just to show as irritation, “What have you to do with me?” Well, she turns and says to the servant, “Do whatever my son tells you to do.” Do you realize that Mary slam dunked the tennis ball back into the Lord’s side of the net? All she said was, Do whatever my son tells you to do.” Jesus already said no. In fact, I’ve asked theologian friends to explain that to me. They couldn’t explain it, but she put it back in Jesus’ court. Jesus does what? For whatever reason, and I don’t know that reason, he turns the water into wine. He performs his first miracle right there. You have to keep the responsibility with kids on their side of the net. They’ll try to weasel out of it. They’ll lie. Don’t flat out lie. They’ll yell for their mother or their father, whoever is the softer one of the two of them. They’ll try to get out of things. That’s just the way it is. It’s called immaturity. That’s why God gave us parents to help guide us in the right ways. But that whole concept is so foreign today in our society. Nobody owns up to anything. It’s somebody else’s fault. It was my poor upbringing. I didn’t have a father. I know a lot of fatherless men who’ve done great in life and women as well. Is it ideal? No, but life is full of excuses and excuses make the weak weaker. So don’t be afraid to serve that tennis ball back in your kid’s court. Again, they’ll make excuses, they’ll lie, they’ll point fingers. But the reality is if it’s on them, keep it on them. Don’t let them squirrel you away from it. Doug: How does this actually play out in life? Let’s say the kid got called into the principal’s office, and the principal says, “Hey, your kid was caught doing something XYZ wrong.” And when you get home with your kid, your kid says, “Hey dad, it was totally unfair to me. I was just standing there and this other kid, Bobby, he’s the one that did it. And they just swept me in with it.” I mean, what you do next, does that apply in the tennis quote? Dr. Leman: Sure. What I would say is, “Oh, is it that unfair, honey? Oh my goodness. So we need to take action here. Oh, you know, I misspoke. You need to take action here. You need to go back to Mr. so and so down at school and tell them how unfair that was to you. But let me tell you that one thing, honey, based on my experience in life, if you do that, you better come prepared.” In other words, “Hey, it’s great to come home here and tell me how you were just standing there. You didn’t do a thing. And if you were so poorly treated and this is so unfair, man, you need to take action. You need to go back to the principle.” That kid is not going back to the principal’s office. He’s working yet. He would love you to pick up the phone and run interference for him. And that’s part of just keeping the ball on the right side of the court. That’s his job. That’s his problem. Doug: Right. You brought it up at the beginning that it’s always somebody else’s fault in our culture. How as a parent do we … We do feel this ominousness of like, I have to defend my kid. I have to stand up for my kid. I got to stand with my kid. How do you find the balance in not stepping in at the wrong time versus letting them deal with their own issues that they’ve created? How do you know when it is? Dr. Leman: I didn’t cheat on the exam. I didn’t steal the money. I didn’t lie. Honey, I’m hearing your tale of woe, but I got to tell you that much as I love you, I’m unimpressed. It sounds like what you’re trying to say is what you did was somebody else’s fault. Did I read you right? Is that what you’re telling me? Because if you’re trying to sell that anywhere, nobody’s going to buy it. Doug: What about I tried out for the football team and I got cut and the kid comes home and he says, “That coach, she just, that he had it out for me and he didn’t like me.” The reality is your kid didn’t run during the summer and he didn’t lift weights and he didn’t prepare himself to even try and make it. What do you say when he comes home? About how unfair that is? Dr. Leman: Everything you said, honey, might be very true, but the reality is that coach wants the best 45 guys on that football team. And for whatever reason, he cut you. I’ve told the story of JV basketball. I was a little hot shot basketball player, but I’d have to admit, I was always fooling around. I didn’t take basketball very seriously. I was a pretty good ballplayer. And Mr. Power reads the list of guys and I’m so stupid. I go up to Mr. Power. I said, “Mr. Power, you skipped over my name.” He said, “I didn’t skip over your name Leman. You got cut.” I grabbed my clothes out of my locker and I ran home in my shorts in Buffalo, New York in November, crying all the way home. I mean, I’m old, on Social Security. I remember it like it was yesterday. I got one better than that. A guy who was trying to get me to realize that there’s something more important than myself in life, and he worked for Campus Crusade for Christ. He took me to lunch and he said to me, you’re get to love this, he says, “Hey, Kevin, let me ask you a question. When are you going to stop making an ass of yourself?” Now, when somebody says something to you like that, you tend not to forget it. I was 19 at the time. Again, I’m an old guy now. I haven’t forgot it. Did it endure me to this guy? No, it didn’t. But it did get me thinking because the reality was that’s exactly what I was doing at that stage of my life. As a reminder, I was a janitor, I smoke on my Salem cigarettes, had my greasy hair, thought I was cool, thought I was the Fonzie of the time. And in reality, I was a dumb jerk. You know the story. I met my wife and she was the trigger God used in my whole life, did a 180. But anyway, sometimes the bare truth is what your kids need to hear. It’s called reality. And sometimes you get people’s attention. Doug: How do you administer reality without crushing the self esteem or crushing the spirit? How do you do that well? Dr. Leman: I think you preface it with something on the line of, “You know honey, I love you. And that means I’d take a bullet for you, but I have to tell you that what I’ve seen from you in the past few months sickens me because you’re worth a lot more than what you’re showing. And you’re disrespect for myself, your mom, your sisters, it’s disgusting to tell you the truth. We think more of you than that. We’re very disappointed in your behavior. And I can tell you that changes will be forthcoming if you don’t make some changes in your life. I can’t make you do anything. If you want to have further discussion on this, I’d be more than happy to talk to you. I’m all ears. If I’m missing something, let me know what I’m missing, but I just want you to know how disappointed I am on what’s going on in his home. And I expect things to change quickly.” You bury the bone with them, but you preface it with, I love you and I care about you. But if the kid’s 14 years old and knows everything and you know nothing, when they’re 19, like I was, don’t expect a miracle before your eyes. But sometimes you have to tell kids things that are very unpleasant. They love you. They want to please you actually. Behind all the facade of all the crap that they’re giving you, they actually want you to be approving of them. Well it’s hard to be approving of a kid who’s just nasty to everybody in the home. You take the little buzzard by the beak, so to speak, and you pull them in and close to your face and you give them focused attention, and you say, “This is serious. You got to hear what I’m telling you because this does not bode well for you continuing to live in this house.” I mean, whatever the straight talk has to be, let it be firm, don’t draw, don’t leave anything unturned, say what you need to say, and then back off, reassure them that you love them and you really hope and pray that they’ll be able to make some changes. And if I can help you make those changes in any way, let me know. The reality is, by the way parents, there’s nothing you can do. He has to make that decision, she has to make that decision. Doug: That’s so good, Andrea, or not Andrew. You’re Dr. Leman. You’re Andrea. Dr. Leman, well … Dr. Leman: Let me say this about that Doug. I can be Andrea if you want me to. I’m not as pretty as her though. Doug: No, you are not, no, by a long shots, by long shots, no. Dr. Leman: You know what would be fun to do on our podcast is ask people just to call in and give a description of Doug Terpening and Andrea, what do they look like? Wouldn’t it be fun to do? Because people hear your voices and they have a picture in their mind of what you look like. And that would be fun to hear what people think Doug Terpening looks like, what Andrea Terpening looks like. So if you want to take us up on that call in and describe Doug or Andrea or both. Doug: I probably have fangs and long fingernails and Andrea has perfect hair and it’s flowing [crosstalk 00:12:59]. Andrea: Not at all. Doug: That’s so funny. Andrea: It’d be hilarious to see what you think. Doug: That would be hilarious to see. Well, that would be fun. I would be remiss not to tell you this, because honestly, this is one of those things, we’ve been doing this ebook promotions for awhile. I know I say this every now and then, but I just got to tell you, this one that [Revel] has given you is gold and that is making children mind without losing yours for $2.99 from now until the end of June of 2020, wherever eBooks are sold. This book has sold millions for a reason because it has helped so many parents. I’m just telling you, when we recommend books to people, this is one of them that we tell them, get this one. It’ll give you the roadmap to where you want to go. I wish next time we do this, Andrea, we have to start reading the Amazon reviews for people so they can see it for themselves. Andrea: I agree. Doug: We just didn’t come prepared for that today because you’ll see what people are saying about this book and say, “I should absolutely get that.” You get that book and you go get Dr. Leman’s new book, “Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It, you put those two books together and you’ll be like, “Honey, our parenting is going to be so much better. We’re going to have the freedom to know what to do. We’re going to have the confidence on what to do,” and it’s just going to help you so much. Please, for your sake, $2.99 is not a lot of money. And it is like, trust me, it’s worth it. Even if you don’t agree with Dr. Leman, just to wrestle with this and then try one or two of those things and you’d be like, “Oh, that was well worth it.” Between now and the end of June, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, great companion to the new book, Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It. And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: I love to ask families, particularly parents, do you have a port of call on the ocean of life? Do you know where you’re going? So many times we get caught up in the minutia of getting kids to their orthodontist appointment and getting them to their activities that we fail to really show our children hey, we do have port of call. We know where we’re going as a family. Now this goes back to articulating your family values to your kids. Hopefully that’s done through your church, whatever that faith might be, the values that you instill in your children ought to be the ones that you hold the dearest. It’s always a reminder. I remember when our kids were growing up and they went out for an evening, I’d always say to them, “Remember, you’re a Leman.” Someone once asked me at a seminar, “What does that mean?” I said, “I don’t have a clue what it means, but remember, you’re a Leman.” In other words, there’s an expectation that you will conduct yourself in a way that’s consistent with the family values that we adhere to. Do you have a port of call? What are you going to do when these kids leave the nest? Are they going to leave as giving, caring individuals or hedonistic little suckers who care only about themselves? That’s the question. All right. Do a good job, not a great job, just a good job and I’ll be happy. Doug: Dr. Leman, this actually is one of the concepts that’s helped us out a ton, Andrea and I, but here is where we still trip up on this concept, and that is that we get afraid that if we leave the tennis ball on their side of the court, they’re going to whiff and fail. They’re going to fail the science project that they just forgot to turn in and they’re going to fail at this. How do I deal with that overwhelming sense that they’re going to miss the ball? Dr. Leman: You just need to know the Christian home was a place where kids ought to learn failure. If they fail, it’s not the end of the world, it’s an experience. It’s one strike. They’re still in the game. So don’t get hung up about that. Okay parents? I know it’s hard for you to see that, but talk to anybody who’s successful, they’re going to tell you there was failure in their life. So hang in there, be a support to your kids, love them anyway, and remember it was their non-effort that got them that grade. It was their non-being involved. It was their non-doing the research. It was non-putting the time in. I mean, there’s a reason for it. It’s not a conspiracy. Doug: That’s really good. Andrea: That’s really good to remember. Doug: Dr. Leman, in your experience, the kid gets the bad grade once, what happens the next time? Dr. Leman: He may get a bad grade again, or he might improve, and that’s where you pull your vitamin E and say, “Wow, I’m really impressed. You moved up two letter grades.” That’s the vitamin E. Doug: It’s like in our experience, I know we’ve told this story before, but our kids make 4H projects and we’ve learned, let it be crooked and let it be unpainted and they learn because somebody comes around and critiques it and says, “Here’s all the things you’ve done wrong.” It helps them. It’s a third party, not us, that has to tell them be thoughtful and caring. Dr. Leman: It’s better for somebody else to do that. Yeah, you’re right. Doug: Keep the tennis ball of life in their court and it just relieves a lot of pressure from you. As a reminder, again, I know I just said it, but I can’t encourage you enough to go get Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, between now and the end of June, where ebook is sold. You will not regret it. And as always, the brand new book is written, so for today, for us parents that are dealing with these new realities, Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It, can’t be any simpler than that. That’s the question you’re asking. That’s [inaudible] solve it. Thanks for being with us. We love helping you add to that parenting toolbox to have the confidence on how to parent. Take care. Andrea: Bye bye. Doug: Have a good day. Bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: How do I help my enabled kid change? Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s advice on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– May 1 – 31: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**       Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: So you’ve listened to Dr. Leman’s podcast and read his books and you’ve said, “I have to change.” And you realize, whoops, I’ve been the enabler, and that’s why I’m changing. But you don’t feel like your kid is changing with you. How do you deal with that? What does that look like? And what can we learn from Dr. Leman? That’s the question that you asked that we get to ask Dr. Leman for you. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us, and welcome if this is your first time. I want to let you know, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. And today we get a question from one of our podcast listeners, and it is absolutely one of our joys. If you want to leave one, you can go to birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. Well, let us jump into Andrea’s question. Here we go. Andrea: Hi, Dr. Leman, I would like to first say that I have been listening to as many podcasts as I can a day and reading as many of your books as I can. I was just told about you by a friend maybe three weeks ago, and so I’m learning so much. But my question is a followup to the part two on making a child a successful student. I am a teacher myself. So let me say that reading in our home has been something I’ve done from day one. And I’ve done all the “right things” you’re supposed to do academically, from when they’re born until now. But my question is about my seventh grader. His name is Smith, and he has ADHD. He sees an endocrinologist for his small stature, and he has always struggled academically. His confidence in school and life is very low. And I will admit, I have enabled him. We have tried to compensate for this and help him. I felt guilty about it, all of that. But what I’m trying to ask here is how do I change this? Because when I just walk away and have him do the studying on his own for tests, and he fails, he just says he’s stupid, he can’t do it, and he doesn’t try anymore. So I need help with that student that isn’t motivated by the grade because he doesn’t think he can do it. Thank you. Dr. Leman: Well, the first thing I would say is you do own up to the fact that you’ve enabled him. So he has “learned” not to be successful in school. And now, you say you’ve done a lot of the right things, and you’re a teacher. And I hope you’ll take this first suggestion seriously, because I think it’s a key to help. I would find a young lady, maybe a freshman in high school, to tutor him. He needs somebody else. Mom is already an admitted enabler. So with all due respect, you’re not the best one, even though you are a teacher, to help your seventh grader. I would find the prettiest, vivacious, smart freshmen girl I could find. And I would pay her to come to your home for maybe just an hour a night, four nights a week, maybe two hours a night. It’d be her little job. It’s like babysitting, only she’s babysitting your cute seventh grade son. I think that’s the best way to encourage him and help him, because I think he’s already shut off all possibilities that he can do this. That’s a lie that he tells himself. Just because you got ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t achieve in school. You know that. But he needs focused attention, and I think that young lady can help motivate him to do well. You pull the freshmen aside, you tell her, he’s got ADHD, he’s had problems for years. He’s never seen himself as successful. Now here’s my concern. The reality of how he sees himself is the reality. In other words, your perception of how you see yourself, that’s who you are from behind your eyes. And that has to change. So 14-year-old tutor might need a little encouraging from you, as to how to slip him some commercial announcements, so that when she leaves and he’s done his homework with her, that she has slipped him a good dosage of vitamin E. Say “Hey, I was really pleased with how you did that. So you’re getting it. You’re coming along. I’m proud of you,” that kind of thing. He needs a little coaching up, so to speak, because his self image is so negative. So it keeps you out of the picture. The other thing I want you to think about. Mom, is what’s really important here. What I didn’t hear is what kind of a kid your son was. And I would pay more attention. I know the question’s about ADHD and learning, but I would pay more attention to what’s in that kid’s heart than what’s in academics for him right now. That’s really important. Andrea: And what would that look like? Would that be using vitamin E to talk to him about his good character traits or- Dr. Leman: Yes, his character traits. Andrea: Paint us a picture. Dr. Leman: I think when you’re a teacher on top of that, you sort of magnify the importance of doing well in school. And don’t get me wrong, doing well in school is obviously great. But at the expense of what? Does he really know that he’s loved as he is? And again, it’s not what you do, honey, that makes me so proud. It’s who you are that makes me so proud to be your mom. It’s who you are. It’s the judgment you make, the kindness I see in your life, the consideration for other people. Those are the important subjects that I think are taught within the confines of the home. So I wouldn’t… I know you’re concerned, your phone call tells me you’re concerned, and you have reason to be concerned, but you’re consulting with your physician, and you didn’t mention if you were medicating him specifically for the ADHD, but there’s all kinds of ways to encourage kids who have ADHD. But I think we miss the boat, if the kid walks away thinking I’m a failure because I struggle in school. He’s had 12 or 13 years of struggling in school, apparently. And so what’s going to turn that around? He’s got to see himself differently. I go back to reality is how you see yourself, and that has to change. And that outside tutor, I think, is worth gold. Again, I’d go really looking for somebody who’s outgoing, got a great personality, and sort of a natural encourager by themselves. And trust me, that seventh grade boy, looking at that young lady that’s two years older than him, he could pay attention to every word she says, I think. Doug: How does he… Going back to Andrea’s question, I really find that fascinating that you’re saying the reality, what he thinks about himself is what we care the most about. So Mom can give vitamin E about things that she sees. But school is so important in how we value ourselves, and there’s so much social pressure there on how you perform. Are there specific things that she could do to remove that or downplay that? Dr. Leman: I just think the simple… A dialogue about the fact that I’m so proud to be your mom. And it forces us to look at what traits does my son have that I don’t see in other children? She’s a teacher. She sees kids. They’re hedonistic little suckers. They care about themselves. They’re very superficial, most of them. What do you see in your kid that makes you proud to say, “Hey, yeah, I’m his mom.” And talk about those things. And is this kid mechanically minded? Lots of times these kids who don’t do well in school, for whatever reason, they can tear anything down and put it back together again. If that’s his inclination, wow, I’d start thinking about the future and what a kid like that can do. Those kids can make big money, have good jobs. Doug: So Dr. Leman, for that mom that is that critic, that she just can’t turn that off for whatever reason, or that, like you said, as a teacher school would be so important to her, are there specific words that would help someone like that be able to know this would be meaningful to my kid? Is it that I’m proud to be your mom, or is it specifically a trait or a step that they did? What would be specific words that a kid could be able to believe that their mom thinks they’re good? Or Dad? Shouldn’t just pick on Mom. Or Dad? Dr. Leman: Well, again, I just think you focus in… On make a list. What are the things that really make you happy about your son or your daughter? Talk about those things, and how important they are, and how you see them paying off in life for him later on or her later on. It’s just an ongoing dialogue. But I wouldn’t be telling him. I would try to form a conversation that’s based upon your son or daughter’s opinion about things. Opinion will always open doors. Questions shut doors, shuts down communication. They feel like they have to come up with the right answer. But I’d love to know what that kid dreams about, and how he sees himself in 10 years, at age 22. And how do you want to be seen by others? And what about friendships? What kind of a friend is this kid? Doug: Yeah. Okay. I’m slow, but you’re saying Mom, you step out of the role of pushing school, put the tutor and the school in there, and you just be mom and be relational with this kid. Dr. Leman: Yeah. You’re the emotional cheerleader for your kid. Doug: And just be with him. Andrea, you thrive at that. That’s your sweet spot. Dr. Leman: The fact that she’s a teacher doesn’t help in this situation. Andrea: She sees the school issues. Dr. Leman: But that teacher might have a friend who teaches, who has that 14-year-old daughter who would be perfect. Doug: Well, when we come back, we’ll ask Mrs. Terpening about her tutoring experience with giving her kids tutors recently here. So, but before we do that, I want to make sure I remind everybody that this month, you can get the ebook Born to Win for a $1.99, between now and the end of May of 2020. And you know that a couple of weeks ago, we were also just talking about Dr. Leman’s brand new book, Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What You Can Do About It. And I’m just telling you, it’s one of these winners again. It’s so practical, so simple that people are already starting to say, wow, thank you for describing what my kids went through and were going through, and how I was contributing negatively to it, and what I can do about it in action steps, not fluffy whatevers. So if you haven’t gotten it yet, I cannot encourage you enough to go get Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What You Can Do About It. I’m just telling you, you’re just going to love it. And go look at the Amazon reviews about what people are saying about it. It’s phenomenal. So for your sake, the reason we do this whole podcast, the only reason we’re doing this, is because it’s impacted Andrea and Doug’s family. And we know it will help yours. Read the book. And you will think us for generations, decades, and decades about how it’s helped you. And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: A, acceptance. B, belonging. And here’s the trilogy. Competence. Not confidence. Competence. Those are the building blocks for a healthy personality of a young person growing up in your home. How does your kid feel competent? He feels competent when you don’t redo the effort that he has made in the home, whatever it is. When you don’t straighten things up and make it perfect. The message is, I respect your hard work and your effort. Am I saying that if something is absolutely slipshod work, that somehow you accept that? No. In fact, one of the things about competence is, “Honey, I see your room isn’t done. When your room is done, then you can go next door and play with your little guy friend.” Holding kids accountable is part of competence. But don’t be overcritical. If the project is worthy, if it’s a good job, let it be a good job. It doesn’t have to be perfect. And when you say, “Honey, I appreciate your work in the home,” that’s part of building competence in your kid’s life. Remember ABC, acceptance, belonging, competence. For further reading on that subject, see Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours or Have a New Kid by Friday. Goodreads. Doug: Alrighty, Andrea. So recently, you finally have given in to tutoring with your kids because you finally realized that you hate math, and you stink at math. Andrea: And chemistry. Doug: And chemistry. How is having a tutor helping your children? What would you say? Because you’re a homeschool mom, so you’re kind of like this teacher, your identity is kind of tied up in this. Andrea: Even more so because, yeah, they’re my kids. Doug: What has a tutor done for education in this home? Andrea: Well, now I don’t have to try and do the math with them, and I don’t have to try and learn it while they’re learning it. And it takes all the tension out of the… The emotion is gone because before, I was struggling with it myself. So there was a lot of emotion. So it would heighten the emotion. And now they get to just deal with their tutor. Doug: And what about our kids about their tutor? Do they hate to go see our tutor, or what do they think about going to see the tutor? Andrea: They actually enjoy their tutor. Their tutor actually happens to be their aunt, and they get to Skype with her. So now they have a once a week meeting with her, and of course, they don’t just talk about the math, but they get to talk about life and laugh with her. And it’s been… Now they’re motivated. They’re excited to get things ready for their tutor time, and they come away with a fresh perspective and encouraged, because she is a math teacher, and she can really tell all of us, “They’re doing really well. They’re doing great. They’re going to get this.” And so it’s been a win-win all around. Doug: So Dr. Leman, your advice about getting tutors, we finally, after years of struggle have given into, and I’m just telling you, it’s gold. People that are good at tutoring make it so much easier. And I think, exactly what you said, our kids had turned out… turned Mrs. Terpening a deaf ear to her on certain things, and it’s come alive to them. Dr. Leman: Yeah, if there’s issues in school, parents, it’s so good to make an appointment, go in and talk to the assistant principal, and let the assistant principal haul that kid out of class and say, “Hey, I want to talk to you about something.” Let that third person do it. That’s another advantage of having a tutor. It’s like teaching your husband to drive or your wife to drive or your kids to drive. And I taught four of the five how to drive. But when the fifth one came along, I was done. I was spent. I was like a salmon who had run my course. And thank you for Mr. D’s driving school. Because that’s now Mr. D’s problem to teach my 16-year-old how to drive. My wife had Lauren out, and she told her that she had to make a left hand turn down here. Well, she’s in the right hand lane. And so all of a sudden, without anything, she does this almost U-turn from the right lane, turning left. It’s just amazing that both of them are alive today. So again, that third person can make a difference in your kid’s life. Doug: Absolutely. Andrea: Thanks for that little driving scenario, as our last child is supposed to get her permit today. Dr. Leman: In one of the Leman books… In fact, one of you guys who got better memories than me, I tell a story in… It might be Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, but I’m teaching my firstborn daughter how to drive. And she stopped at an intersection, finally, for the red light that I thought for sure she was going to go through, right in the middle of the intersection. She stops. We live in a community of a million people. She’s in a main… and what do I do? Bright psychologist, I jump out of the car in the middle of the intersection, open her door. And I say, as lovingly as I can, “Out!” And my daughter, Holly, who is an English teacher by trade, she wrote the cutest short story about learning to drive. And she describes that. She said, “Who is this man to my left, who had this purple hue in his face? And I realized it was my father, and he seemed to be doing some type of a war dance in the middle of the street, and then he yanked open the door.” It’s funny to read. I wish I could remember it verbatim because it really was hilarious. But parents, you can do this. I know you love your kids. And I want you to know, I loved all five of mine. I’d take a bullet for any of them, but you have to really take time for training and keeping responsibility where it belongs and helping kids through the bumps of life is important, but above everything else, they have to know you have their back and you love them. Don’t ever forget that. Doug: Amen. I appreciate that close because that’s what Dr. Leman’s books are all about, to be honest with you, is he gives you a roadmap on how to do that. So we’re all trying to guess as brand new parents, because we’re all brand new parents the first time. And I’m telling you, as a guy who raises his hands and says best thing that ever happened to me was reading those books. Just do it for your sake. And I know I just mentioned it, but I’m going to mention it again because it’s brand new, fresh content, today’s issues, Why Your Kid Misbehaves and What to Do About It. I’m just telling you, you go get it, you read it, and then you can email me and say, “Wow, Doug, thanks. That really helps me.” So this just helps you love your kids more. If that’s what you want to do, it’s what it teaches you how to do it, to be honest. So well, it was great to be with you today. We love being with you and adding to that parenting tool box so that you can love those kids, really, in an easier way. Andrea: Have a great day. Doug: We look forward to the next time. Take care. Bye-bye. Andrea: Bye-bye.

How many warnings do you give your kids before you take disciplinary action? One might just be too many. Dr. Leman discusses why warnings are disrespectful in this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– May 1 – 31: Born to Win ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**       Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Hey, Johnny, you need to pick up your room or I am going to. Hey, Sally, you have to do the dishes or else. Hey, Sally, you have to do the dishes. Sally, the dishes. Sally, the dishes. One of the most provocative things Dr. Leman told me is warnings are disrespectful, and that’s what we get to talk about today. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us. Welcome, welcome, welcome. If this happened to be your first time with us, I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, on today’s episode, we’re talking about this concept that you gave us that warnings are disrespectful. What does that mean, and what is that? Dr. Leman: Well, we’ve trained kids systematically in our culture not to pay attention to what we say. And we essentially by warning them tell kids, “We think you’re so stupid. We have to tell you three times to do something.” If you want kids to listen, you need to be action oriented. Tell them once, walk away, let the situation, the reality of the situation become the teacher to the child. When you ask them to do something as simple as, “Honey, the dishes. Dinner’s over. You know the routine,” and they’re not done, are you going to really go and take her away from talking on her phone by the ear and drag her into the kitchen and said, “Hey, I told you, you need to do these dishes,” well, that’s a prescription for disaster. It’s one of the first steps in creating a powerful child. It puts you in an authoritarian position, which your daughter or son is going to dig in on and rebel one way or another. But the reality is if those dishes aren’t done and you happen to drive that 11 year old daughter to school in the morning, and you haven’t said a thing and those dishes are still sitting there, and she’s 11, she can’t find her shoes. Mom, where’s my red sweater?” You know the drill in the morning, and all of a sudden she’s ready to go out the door. “Mom, mom, we’re going to be late.” “Yes, honey, we are going to be late.” “Mom, what are you talking about?” “Honey, the dishes are still sitting in the kitchen sink.” Now, you tell me what’s better, to hound and remind that kid, or to say, “Honey, when the dishes are done, I’ll be glad to get in the car. I’ll even warm it up for you, and we’ll proceed to school.” That’s a teachable moment, my friends. Doug: Andrea, your mom. Andrea: Yup. Doug: We just heard this scenario, right? Sally didn’t do the dishes. She wants to be driving to work. Could you do that? What would stop you from doing that do you think? Andrea: Oh, it’s just natural to ask again. It’s very hard to follow through on the negative consequence of not taking them, not giving them what they’re used to getting, or whatever. Yeah, I am definitely one that’s guilty of asking more than once, or since I know this principle from Dr. Leman, I might do other subtle reminders. Maybe not outright asking. Dr. Leman: We know. Andrea: It’s confession time. Dr. Leman: Again, for having authored books, like Have a New Kid by Friday and Why Children Misbehave and What to Do About It, parents who pick those books up are needy. There’s things going on in their home they don’t like. And I’ve often stood up before an audience and said, “In reference to the Have a New Kid by Friday book,” I said, “This book is a scam,” and everybody laughs. And I said, “You could have a new kid by Wednesday.” Well, what do I mean by that? I mean, it doesn’t take long to change kids’ behavior if you’ll take the proverbial bull by the horns to make it happen. There’s lots of reasons why Andrea or Sally or Jackie wouldn’t be able to pull that off. Because number one, they haven’t had experience at pulling that kind of thing off of their kids. There’s got to be another way so she’s not late for school because I don’t like her being late for school. I know she doesn’t like being late for school. Her grades will suffer. I mean, you come up with a plethora of excuses. But again, if you really want to change your kid’s behavior, then you must be in an action oriented mood. And you have to take action. You have to stick to your guns, follow through. It doesn’t take much to turn that get around quite frankly. Doug: I think I’ve listened to 300 plus times and many more beyond that, and you have used this phrase, and I think we need to do a podcast about, and that is you say you need to be action oriented. I now understand what that means, but here’s what we have learned to affirm that. Action orientated means you’re not verbally telling the kids. You are just doing consequences. Is that right? Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. We’re letting the reality of the situation. In the scenario I drew for our listeners, the situation is the dishes. This goes back to a basic principle and that is B doesn’t happen until A gets completed. But if you want a better relationship with your child, you want honest communication with your child, you want your child to respect you and listen to you, I’m just asking both of you. Once that mother pulls that trigger and says, “Honey, I’d be glad to drive you down to school, but the dishes are still sitting in the sink.” Again, your kid will promise you anything. Just wipe that out of your mind because they’re shallow promises. They don’t get us to where we need to be. We want our kids to learn to listen to us, and we need kids to be responsible in the home. If they’re not responsible in the home, folks, tell me how they’re going to be responsible in the real world? Doug: For us, we struggle with this because we love warnings. Yet, Andrea, we just had this scenario like the dishes scenario with one of our kids. And what I realized is at the end of it, by being… I literally was having you in my head, right? This concept of don’t give warnings actions. The problem was the moment of pulling the trigger on the action is so stressful and anxious-filled, but it is way less stressful than ongoing fighting, reminding, and just that internal burn within us of like, why won’t this kid get it, that you only have to do it once. You have like this little peak of whatever, bad emotions, or whatever you want to call it, and then it’s over because you only have to do it once. Right, Andrea? Wouldn’t you say? Andrea: Yeah. I mean, it might be three months later that they need to have a go-around again. Doug: But it’s not that constant. Andrea: It’s not a constant daily thing over and over. Doug: And Dr. Leman, I’ll be honest, we stole your idea, and that was pay the other kid to do the activity that they’re not doing. And that is like the charm. That’s like the goal. Except this time, you know what Andrea slid in? She said, “You’re going to pay me. I’m taking it out of your allowance.” Andrea: Yeah, why not, right? I’ll take the garbage out if I get five bucks. Dr. Leman: It’s easier to do it yourself. They’re just dishes, a mother told herself. And if a mom can’t go and chill and watch a mindless show or curl up with a good book, and when she tries to do that, she hears in the back of her mind, “The kitchen is dirty. The dishes are still there. Yuck,” and it drives some parents up the wall. And that’s why they’ll go ahead and do it themselves. But this 11 year old girl that I created for our listeners, this is a constant thing with her. Talking to her is like talking to the wall. She’s mother deaf because she knows everything you’re going to say. She’s daddy deaf too. And if you want to see that turn around, use an action oriented process as simple as B doesn’t start until A gets done. And I guarantee you that kid will be a listener because that kid is going to suffer the real consequence of not doing what they knew they had to do, and it works. And if you don’t do that, then don’t be emailing me with all your problems with your kids. Okay? I’m telling you, this stuff is absolutely simple. Andrea: I have a question about this because this is a real honest question where the rubber meets the road. What if telling them no to their B affects me? Like I wanted to go to this event as well, or I’m expected to be there. I mean, you could come up with a plethora of things. Then it’s hard because now all of a sudden I have to pay the consequence with them. Dr. Leman: That’s the whole point of family. No one member is more important than the family itself. But when someone is not responsible, we end up paying for it. It’s very unfair. That’s why you go to great lengths to get that kid who’s not hitting on all eight cylinders to start paying attention to what their responsibility is in this home. I should have been a preacher. I’m preaching today. Doug: Well, but it’s really good because I think… Here’s what I want to say again just to reinforce this concept, you only have to do this once, maybe twice, and your kids’ behavior changes. The warnings are every day and it just drives you nuts. Right, Andrea? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Doug: And you only have to do this action orientated, you don’t take them to school once, they have to walk, they don’t get to go to their friend’s house once, they don’t get to go to do some activity once, they miss movie night with the family once, and it pretty much solves itself, which feels terrible, but it’s just the actual… Andrea, wouldn’t you say it’s just the actual like moment with the child when you tell them no and you walk out the door without them that’s like the hard part? Andrea: Yes. Doug: And then after that, it’s kind of easy. The next day the sun comes out and the flowers bloom. Andrea: The sun still comes up. Dr. Leman: Okay. Let’s interject the really powerful child who when you say, “I’m not driving to school until those dishes are done, okay?” And the kid doesn’t do the dishes. Okay? What do you do? What do you do? Number one, you call school on the QT and let them know what’s going on. Then you have them call either the kid’s cell phone or the home phone. “This is Mrs. Jones from school. I’m recording you absent today. Are you ill?” Okay, that’s an 11 year old kid talking to an adult. What’s that 11 year old going to say? She’s caught off guard. In other words, what I’m saying is if a kid digs in and becomes powerful, it just stacks up on them day after day. If they’re late, for example, let’s say the kid goes through this dog and pony show three consecutive days where you have to do this, and now they’re late three times, now she gets called out of class and gets to talk to the vice principal of the school, who’s the disciplinarian, and they’re not happy. Now the kids not only getting it at home, they’re getting it at school. Life is a series of consequences based upon our actions. And I’m just saying that, “Hey, parents, you want to turn things around. You can turn things around quickly, and you have to get to why your kid is misbehaving.” And it’s called purposeful behavior, and kids will pull your chain as long as you will allow them to pull it. It’s easy to turn it around, but you have to be determined. Doug: And you got to have the guts to do it, at least for me and Andrea. I shouldn’t say that for everybody. Okay. I totally forgot to tell you about a great opportunity, and I’m a little rusty here. I want to mention that there is a chance to get a great Leman book for a phenomenal price. It’s an e-book. It is Born to Win. $1.99 from now until the end of May of 2020. Dr. Leman, what is Born to Win about? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s about those people, basically those firstborns and only children, who tend to do us middles and babies in. They out achieve us. In fact, there’s empirical studies that show that firstborn children and only born children have higher IQs than the rest of us. With that creativity and that drive to become number one and do well in school and life, sometimes there’s a price that’s paid for that as well. It’s a look basically at the patterns that firstborn and only children develop as a result of their position in the family. And they literally are born to win because almost any statue look at in terms of achievement, firstborns and only borns will outrank the rest of us. If you’re a first born, you’re going to love this book. If you’re a last born, I wouldn’t go near it. Doug: And if you’re a parent of a firstborn, it’ll probably be helpful to read it to know what they’re thinking, if you’re not a firstborn themselves. Dr. Leman: Good point. Yeah. Doug: Yeah. Alrighty. And now before we do role playing on this concept, a no nonsense moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: The last time we talked about acceptance and how important it is, well, let me give you the B part, belonging. Your kid is going to belong somewhere, and it’s really important that they identify with a home that’s a safety net, okay? Every kid is going to belong somewhere. And if they don’t fit into the home, they’re going to go out and fit out the peer group. And again, that’s going to be a negative experience. To give you a little heads up, acceptance, belonging, and next time we’re going to talk about competence, those are the building blocks of rearing a self-reliant, confident kit. What have you done today to make your kid feel like they belong? You’ve made them clean the garage. I liked that idea. See, that’s part of it. It’s just not a free ride. It’s everybody gives back to the family as well. And remember, no one member of the family is better than the family itself. So A and B. Listen, next time, we’ll do C. Doug: Okay. Dr. Leman, let’s do a quick role play so that parents can actually hear how you would deal with the situation. We have a 14 year old who is not cleaning their room. Well, you wouldn’t do a cleaning room. We’ll do… What should we do, Andrea? Andrea: Fourteen-year-old? Doug: That’s responsible to… Andrea: To take out the trash. Doug: Take out the trash. 14 year old is responsible to take out the trash. They play basketball, and they’ve been invited over to a birthday party at a friend’s house. So they do both of those. I’ll let you choose which one you want to do. It’s the evening. It’s after school. They’re there. Andrea: The garbage truck comes tomorrow morning. Doug: No, the garbage truck has come and gone, and he didn’t take the trash out. Andrea: He didn’t do it. Doug: He didn’t take the trash out. I am the 14 year old, and I hop up and I say, “Alrighty, dad. Let’s go. Here we go.” Dr. Leman: James, I’d love to help you. But first of all, I need to tell you how really disappointed I am in what you did, or to put it more bluntly, what you didn’t do last night. There’s not a person in our home, even our six year old can tell you that Monday is garbage day. Okay? And it’s still sitting there in the garage. And quite frankly, it stinks, and I am very unhappy. In terms of you going anywhere, you’re not going anywhere. Okay? This is very disappointing. In fact, until that garbage is dealt with, I wouldn’t plan on going anywhere. That’s a blunt statement and I drop it right there. You’re not going anywhere. Doug: Hey, dad. Dr. Leman: Yeah, go ahead. Doug: Hey, dad. Hey, dad. Wow. You know, I’m so sorry. I really wanted to get the trash out, and yet I had that big project for school I had to get done and basketball was really hard. I mean, I was tired. Coach just ran us ragged. You know what? Hey, dad, how about you help me find a way? Could we create a system so this doesn’t happen again? That would be great. Dr. Leman: Honey, you have very few jobs in this house. One of them is the garbage detail. I know it’s not the best job in the world, but you are the oldest and that is your job. I want to tell you as plainly and lovingly as I can, I’m not solving this problem. This isn’t my problem. It’s your problem. You figure out a way to deal with that trash. Doug: Okay. Here’s what I’ll do, I’ll make sure it’s out there on Saturday. This coming Saturday I’ll like put a huge note in my phone and a big thing right by my bed that says “trash this Saturday,” and I’ll have it done, Dad. I’ve got it. Great. I’ve got it solved. Can we go? Dr. Leman: Go out in the garage and just take a whiff. What is that going to smell like by Saturday? Doug: How in the world am I going to do anything with that? Dr. Leman: I have no idea how you’re going to deal with it, but you’re going to deal with it, not me. Doug: But dad, that’s like not until Monday. That’s like six days away. Dr. Leman: You know what? You’re a creative kid. You figure it out. Doug: Dad, that’s like so unfair. This is like totally wrong. Dr. Leman: Honey, I’m preparing you for life. Life isn’t fair. Doug: I hate you. Fine. All my friends are going to think I’m weird now, dad, and I’m just going to be called a loser. And you don’t care. Dr. Leman: You can think what you want to think. I’m telling you the garbage is your problem. You deal with it. Use that creative brain that God gave you to figure out how to take care of that garbage because it can’t wait until Saturday, obviously. Doug: Hey, mom. Hey, mom. Can I talk to you for a moment? Dr. Leman: Coward. Here’s the point, what I’m thinking when I’m saying, “Hey, you can solve this,” he probably has friends. They might even be in the same block or two that have a different garbage service. Depending upon where you live, sometimes the city picks up the garbage. Where the Leman’s live, I know in our neighborhood there’s three different trash companies that come and pick up your trash. I mean, if you want to be real creative- Andrea: He should make a deal with his friend. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Put this on the kid. Don’t let them slip away. Again, if you want that kid to be responsible, you have to teach him responsibility. You have to hold them accountable. I love parents who give all the lip service to that. Oh, we love holding our kid accountable until they have to, and then they find reasons to bail them out, make excuses for them. Doug: Andrea, do you think you could have… If our kid hadn’t done the trash, could you have said this, “You’re not doing anything. You’re not leaving the house until that’s solved.” Andrea: Well, I know I haven’t. How’s that for an answer? Dr. Leman: You’re being a different partner there. You have the sweetest, easiest, softest hearted woman in the State of Oregon. Doug: That’s so awesome, Andrea. You’re the best. Dr. Leman: You need a lady wrestler. Andrea: I have a question though. In that scenario, the assumption is this kid knows this is his chore, right? It’s on his chore list, and sometimes we ask our kids to do something and you just say it once and walk away. But if it’s already on their chore list and they haven’t… Like dishes, for example, and you’re headed to bed, you see them heading to bed. You know they know they’re supposed to do the dishes. Is this say at once and walk away principle still valid? Can I say, “Hey Johnny, I noticed you haven’t done the dishes yet today.” Doug: That’s a reminder. That’s a warning. Andrea: Look, Doug even has the answer for me. Doug: Sorry, Dr. Leman. Andrea: Softhearted Andrea is just checking. Dr. Leman: She is so easy. Yeah, no. Andrea: At that point, if they know it’s on their chore list, you shouldn’t say anything at all, right? Dr. Leman: Let’s talk about a list for a second. I think a family calendar is a great thing. For example, if you get one of those big calendars and you put it either at a central location where everybody has access to it, or better yet, if you can find one, you can append to your refrigerator door. I even liked that better because kids are always going in the refrigerator, so is mom and dad. And like garbage days, if it’s Friday in your home, every month that Friday could have a yellow hue to it as a reminder to whoever the garbage person is that garbage needs to be out on the street on Friday morning. Those kinds of reminders, I like them because it’s a family calendar that James has soccer and Anna’s got something else. It’s difficult with the busy world we live in just to keep up with our own children. But again, the home is primary and that’s our teaching mantle, if you will, for our kids. And so these things shouldn’t be taken lightly, and the good guy or good girl in us that wants to help our children out sometimes gets in the way of them really learning to be responsible. And that’s what you have to guard against. For those of you who are new to our podcast, you’re thinking, “Man, this guy Leman, he’s like a military guy.” Well, no, that’s not true. I got a great heart. I got a great relationship with my kids. They’re all responsible kids and then some, but they were held accountable, and I was not afraid to pull a rug out. I let them tumble when they needed to tumble, and that’s part of being a parent. If you think it’s not, then you’re probably not going to enjoy the rest of these podcasts. Doug: I really appreciate you wrapping up with that, and I just want to echo it. Since we’ve implemented these changes, by actions and not warnings, I think our relationship has gone up, not down. And that our kids love us more, not less. Just like Dr. Leman said, because we treat them better actually. It sounds counterintuitive, but I want to affirm that 100%. Warnings wear us all out. Well, thank you for listening with us today. A quick reminder, go get Born to Win, if you have a first born or if you are a firstborn, for a $1.99 between now and the end of May of 2020. And we love doing this with you. And as always, you can go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestions, or see where Dr. Leman is going to be speaking. And we just look forward to the next time we get to be with you and add to that parenting toolbox. Hope you have a fabulous and wonderful day. Andrea: Have a good day. Doug: Bye bye.