Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I help my 20-year-old college student make friends?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Do you worry about your kids not having friends when they’re young? What about when they’re older? That’s the question Raymond asked, “How do I help my older kids make sure that they have friends?” Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And I’m really glad that you’re my friend. Well, you’re my wife. You’re more than just my friend, aren’t you> but okay. Moving on. Andrea: It’s good to be friends too. Doug: It’s good to be friends too. We are so glad that you are with us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, today we get a question from Raymond and he’s asking about how do I help my kids have friends. Let’s jump right in. Raymond: Hey, Dr. Leman, this is Ray. My daughter, Mia is 20 years old. She’s in college. She goes to a local university. She lives at home. She’ll be a sophomore next year. She’s a wonderful daughter. My concern for her is her just lack of friends. She has ADD. She’s the firstborn, my wife and I are both firstborns. Is there anything that you would recommend that I do or not do to try to help my daughter make friends or be more socialized? Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Dr. Leman: Well, I love the question, Ray, and I have to sell you this. I love the way you asked the question. You sound like a concerned dad, but most people who would call in a question about how do I get my adult child to get friends, how do I say this as politely as I can? Might sound a little wacky themselves, okay. You don’t sound anything like that. You sound like just straight up dad, you’re asking a question and I love the way you asked it. Can you tell me some things I could do or not do? Okay. That’s a great way to ask a question because chances are, your sophomore in college, firstborn, probably perfectionistic. She’s probably a pretty introspective person. Now you haven’t said that, but I’m guessing. But I’m guessing that’s how she has been basically all of her life. She’s cautious. The word picture I’d like to give you is it’s not February. It’s the middle of July and she is in the lake and she’s stepping forward just a little bit at a time because she wants to know the drop-off is in that lake, where all of a sudden it gets deep. My guess is that that’s how she goes through life. She’s extra cautious. So she’s not one that reaches out. So since she’s not self-initiating when it comes to friendships, my guess is that you’re very correct. She doesn’t have friends. Very, very few friends. She doesn’t let people into her heart, soul and mind very easily. So if someone were going to be friends with her, they would have to approach her rather carefully because I’m sure she has the ability to cut off intimate conversations with people. That’s probably, Ray, who she is, okay. Which means she’s probably studious. She’ll probably go into a profession where she works by herself. I’ll never forget the engineer that I worked with years ago behind closed doors in my private practice. And he said something I’ll never forget. He was a firstborn introverted, very capable guy, very capable engineer. And he said, “If they would just keep people away from me, I would be absolutely happy.” There are people like that. It’s just who they are. I was called into a staffing years ago for a little kid. They thought all kinds of things was wrong with the kid because everything the kid did, he did slowly. And I told my daughter, my youngest daughter, the other day at dinner, we’re all through dinner and she’s hardly got through, I would say an eighth of her dinner plate. She’s always been that way. She’s now 28 years old. Once in a while, I refer to her as Little Pokey. And in that staffing, after all these people sat around and gave all these theoretical guesses about what’s wrong with this kid. I said, “I have a diagnosis for you. This kid is pokey.” They’re pokey in the morning. They’re pokey at noon, they’re pokey in the evening. And in fact that same daughter that I just referenced, 28 years old when she was four, five, six, seven years of age at Christmas time, it was just sort of in many ways, the highlight of entertainment for us because when she opened a package and you know how most kids open packages, she would do so by just very carefully separating the tape from the gift wrap. And it took her a minute just to open up the package. And we just all just of chuckle and laugh and watch her. She was demure as a kid. She was very particular how she did things. Well today, what is she? She’s a toy designer. She deals with little minute parts and pieces and she creates them. And she’s very, very good at what she does. She just got a major promotion. She’s got three things in Disneyland, the three different Disneylands here in the States and one in Tokyo. So very creative person. So, Ray, I really think what you got is a lovely daughter who is sort of a loner. And sometimes we associate loners with people who are responsible for mass shootings or suicides or whatever. It’s got a lot of bad handles on it. Just from the way you asked your question, I’m guessing that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a kid who is just sort of a private person, one step at a time. And I guess what I’m saying, Ray, in summation is if that were my daughter, I would just enjoy my daughter for who she is. I wouldn’t worry about her friendships. They will come sooner or later. It’s probably going to be later. Doug: So the question that still I have is, if she has no friends that’s all right? Dr. Leman: Well, who chooses to have friends? The obvious answer is she does. So for whatever reason, she doesn’t like closeness. Is there a reason for that in her life? Maybe. Maybe it’s something that Ray doesn’t know as her father, maybe it’s a deep, dark secret. But if the kid is doing well in school, isn’t a problem to mom and dad, you didn’t hear anything about, “Well, we can’t get her to do this or that. And she doesn’t [inaudible].” We didn’t hear any of that. We heard a very positive quite frankly, description of his daughter. So it’s one of those questions where, you’re tempted to come up with all kinds of conjectures over our podcast about what’s going on in this kid’s life. I’m just saying she’s one of those, like my daughter who’s pokey. She’s still pokey. She was pokey when she was little. And I think that’s how Rays daughter sees life. Very cautiously. Doug: How do you know when it’s a problem that my kids don’t have any friends that they’ve isolated themselves too much or whatever? What’s the marker for that one? Dr. Leman: You’re getting calls from school. You’re getting other people’s observations about your daughter that’s sending people red flags. Sometimes we don’t see our own kids very accurately. So if there’s a teacher, someone you respect, maybe that your daughter’s in the chorus group at college or in high school, and the music director calls you and he’s concerned about her for whatever reason, but you get two or three different people saying, “We’re concerned about your daughter.” Then I would look a little bit more closely. Then I might suggest to her, “Honey, you ever felt like it’d be profitable for you to sit down and talk with a counselor just about life in general?” I might go that way if I had other pieces of information that seemed to say, “Hey, there’s something going on here,” but we have no indication of that from Ray’s question. Andrea: What if she was saying to her dad, and I know this isn’t in the question, so it probably isn’t the case, but what if she was saying to her dad, “I have no friends. I’m …” she was bemoaning the fact that she really wanted friends and didn’t have any friends. Dr. Leman: Okay. That’s that’s fair game. Then we’d talk about how do you develop friendships? And then you would talk about initiating conversations with people. She’s at school, she’s in the student union, she sees another student sitting by herself or himself at a table. I say, “Honey, let me give you just a little clue. You go up to that table and say, ‘Would you mind if I sat here at the table?’ And you sit down and you introduce yourself, ‘Hi, my name’s Nancy.'” Well, my names … And the conversation is either going to take off or it’s going to die, but you have to be able to help a child see that there’s ways that you initiate. Friends just don’t fly in your door. They just don’t come out of the water faucet. You have to initiate. And then you have to show an interest about what that person’s all about. “Hey, I’d love to know more about you. Where’d you grow up? Do you have a family, brother or sister?” And so you have to be an inquiring mind. Everybody, most people, I shouldn’t say everybody because some people really don’t like talking about themselves, but most people are interested in talking about what they’re interested in life. So you try to get a child to think about how do you develop friendships? And you’re right. A lot of kids really crave friendships, but they don’t know how to proceed. You’ll see a young kid sometimes who will be a pain in the butt to put it bluntly with other children and what he or she is really saying is, “I want to be in the group. I want to have fun. I want to be a friend. I want to be included, but I don’t know how to do that. So I’m going to get attention from you in a negative way.” You see that a lot with young children. So anyway, those are my thoughts on it. A pediatrician told me something once I never forgot. He said, “Some people when they hear hoofbeats, they think zebras are coming.” The best guess is if you hear noises that resemble a horse coming your way, it’s probably a horse, isn’t it? What I’m saying is sometimes people stretch to find something wrong with a child’s personality, with their being. In this case I think if we search that way, we’re trying to fabricate something for our own satisfaction. Andrea: The dad also asked, what should he not do in this case? What advice would you have for him in that scenario? Dr. Leman: Well, I think we sort of answered that in that he shouldn’t do anything. He should just respect his daughter for who she is. See, dad probably has a lot of friends. Ray probably has a lot of friends and he values friendships and he sees his daughter not having friends. So he’s saying, “Wait, what’s going on here?” I was doing a professional development yesterday at one of our schools. And I made the point that to have to have a relationship, you don’t have to be clones of each other. In fact, good relationships are usually spawned with people who are very different. And I cited my wife and I. We’re very different people. And yet we’ve had a great relationship for years. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I don’t usually disagree with you on stuff, but on this one, I think I do have to disagree with you on. If you sat down next to somebody and wanted to get to know them and said, “Hi, I’m Nancy.” I don’t think that they would find that appealing. I think they would say, “Aren’t you Kevin Leman?” And they would say, “I think this guy is being duplicitous.” I’m just giving you a hint the next time you want to try and make friends. I think I’d go with your name, Kevin Leman and not Nancy. Okay. Just take that for what it’s worth. Dr. Leman: So, friends, this is Doug Terpening’s attempt for humor. You got me laughing, Doug. Oh gosh. He’s so funny. Doug is the one that keeps us on track if you’ve noticed, okay. When I go too far, one way or another, he has this wonderful way of bringing us back to where we need to be. Oh, he’s the best. Doug: And this is when you and Andrea get to do your little fist pump. Yeah, we’re the smartest ones in the group we tolerate Doug. Okay. Okay. Moving on. So the ebook promotion is the great one. It’s Planet Middle School for a buck 99, between now and the end of February of 2021, wherever eBooks are sold. And Andrea, you have Amazon thing? Andrea: Yeah, Sarah says “Fantastic way to parent adolescents with love and humor without losing boundaries and your mind. Love this book.” Doug: So wherever you buy eBooks, and if you’re worried about your kid’s friends, this is a great book. And now a no nonsense moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: I get asked all kinds of questions about what age do you do this? At what age do you do that? Hey, parents, it’s not a matter of anos, for our Spanish speakers you know what that means. It means years. It’s really about maturity. Now my question is, do you give your son or daughter opportunity to grow, to make decisions, to learn? Is failure acceptable in your home? If that’s true, I got news for you. Your kids are going to mature. They’re going to realize that life is not built around them and that other people count in life. So parents take it easy. Take a big breath. Life is going to be perfect. In our seven Leman schools, I have a sign, Leman Academy of Excellence where learning is fun. Keep a fun, positive environment in your home, and everybody’s going to feel better about themselves and other people. Doug: So Dr. Leman, a question for you. If I have an adolescent who was not super energetic, not super outgoing, but kind of medium, and then gets a little bit more pokey or feels more isolated, how do I know when it’s just adolescents trying to figure out life and how do I know when it’s something that I need to jump in and ask about? Dr. Leman: Well, you don’t know, unless there’s a lot of … Let’s start with physical changes. All of a sudden your kid’s way of dress is drastically different. All of a sudden your kid who did relatively well in school, the grades have dropped right off the shelf, okay. The friends that your son or daughter had have disappeared. You get three or four of those things going on and you probably got something going on in that kid’s head that probably needs some attention from a professional. So again, usually Doug and Andrea, it’s not just one thing that should get a parent concern. But when you see a bunch of things coming together, that’s when you have some concern as a parent and should follow through. Now trying to get a kid help, trying to get a kid to see a professional. That’s not easy either. So you got to be careful how you walk that line. But again, I’m looking for three or four things the fall in line that say, “Hey, there’s a problem here in River City.” Doug: And the other thing I’ve heard you say that actually has been proven up pretty well, is that we have that uh-oh meter inside our gut or chest or somewhere in there and that when it goes off, that’s what you want to just ask the kid, right? Dr. Leman: Exactly. Doug: Look at that. I could do this. We don’t even need Dr. Leman anymore, Andrea. I’ll just take over. What do we? Dr. Leman: Andrea, from the beginning of this podcast, I’ve been dying to ask this question. Andrea: Uh oh. Dr. Leman: What is the dumbest thing Mr. Terpening, Mr. Doug himself, has done in all your years of marriage? The dumbest thing he’s ever done. Andrea: I don’t think I should answer that question. Dr. Leman: Would that get you in trouble? Andrea: No- Doug: I want to hear. Dr. Leman: Would you prefer another question? Andrea: If Doug actually wants to hear and he wants all of his listeners to hear. Doug: Yeah, I don’t mind. We already know I’m the dumbest one in the podcast so it’s like [inaudible] Andrea: This actually happened just a few weeks ago. Dr. Leman: Now, is this something that ended up with a fight? Andrea: No, no. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut and to … Mr. Terpening is always right. Doug: That’s not- Dr. Leman: So wait a minute. So you follow my advice. When I say ladies, “When your husband says something really stupid and dumb, you can just look at him and you can be thinking you’re an idiot, but don’t say you’re an idiot. Just sort of button it up.” Is that what you’re telling me? Andrea: I realized after the fact what had happened, so there was nothing I could do to change it, right? So Doug’s asking if this is the dumbest thing, it’s the dumbest thing that comes to mind right now. We’ll say it that way. Okay. So the neighbor has a nice Kubota with a sprayer on the back. So you can spray your weeds. When you have more than just a little yard and you’ve got fields and barns and stuff, and you have lots of blackberries popping up, it’s really handy. So we borrowed this Kubota with, he had some leftover spray for the blackberries. So we were running around, shooting the blackberries and we ran out and we thought, “Well, let’s get ours out.” So I was the driver of the little Kubota and he was the sprayer. So he ran in to the shed and he grabbed a jug of spray, of chemical to kill blackberries and put it in, loaded it up. We went around for like 45 minutes. A couple of weeks later, we started to notice all the grass on our play field is dying. It wasn’t blackberry spray. It was Roundup. So we killed, basically killed our lawn. And yeah, I’ve kept my mouth shut on that one, but since you invited it. [crosstalk]. If you wonder why we have stripes going up and down our play field where all the teenagers of the area would come and play Frisbee all summer, that’s why. Dr. Leman: I got to ask you a question about that number, why would you kill an innocent blackberry? Andrea: Oh, my word. You don’t even … you got to come to the Northwest. These are not innocent plants. We keep one, we call it the wall of blackberries where we can go pick our blackberries to make pie and jam. Dr. Leman: Okay. Andrea: But these things pop up everywhere and their thorns are horrible. And then they go, once they get going, they are out of control. Dr. Leman: And you mentioned that machine. I’m sure I’m not the only one that was thinking, what were you riding? A what? Andrea: It’s like a four wheel drive golf cart by Kubota. Doug: It’s got a 500 gallon sprayer on the back. So you mix up 200 gallons of chemicals and go spray. Dr. Leman: So if you went to Plano, Texas and use that term with someone, would they know what that was? Or was it just me? Andrea: It’s a brand. It’s like Ford. It’s called Kubota. They build tractors. Dr. Leman: Oh, I see. Okay. So if you live in the farm land, you would know that. Doug: Probably. Dr. Leman: If you’re a city person, you probably wouldn’t. Doug: Yeah. You’re not lugging many 500 gallon sprayers around in the city. Andrea: I don’t think it’s 500. 50. Dr. Leman: Well, listen, I’ll tell you, Doug. I think you came out good on that, because if that’s the dumbest thing that came to mind, I think you’re in pretty good shape my friend. Doug: Thank you. Andrea: I’ll protect him on some others. Doug: Yeah, I was like, “Oh man, which one is she going to bring up?” Because in our relationship, one of us is the planner and one of us is the screw-upper. So you can guess which one that is. Dr. Leman: Listen for the record, I know Doug Terpening. He’s a wonderful human being. Doug: He’s just not very bright. Go ahead and say it Leman. I could hear it coming next. Go for it. Dr. Leman: No, no, no. You’re a good one. Andrea: He’s a good one. That’s right. Doug: All right. Well, Ray, thanks for asking your really great question. You’re a super thoughtful guy. You’re great. It sounds like you’re a great dad. And I appreciate the questions. I appreciate also that you took the risk as a dad to leave us a question. And for those of you that do want to ask your question, you can go to birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. And if you want to hear what the dumbest thing Andrea’s done, maybe you can go there to ask the question and then we’ll just have to answer it. Andrea: I’d be curious to hear what you say, honey. Doug: Birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. Dr. Leman: I married you. Doug: [inaudible] Alrighty. Andrea: Have a great week. Thanks for being with us. And thanks, Ray, for your question. Doug: Bye-bye.

There are some things your middle schooler desperately wants to talk to you about, but they may not feel comfortable discussing them with you. Listen in to learn more about what you can do as a parent to open up these conversations with your kids during their more awkward stages of life.   **Special Offer– Feb 1 – 28: Planet Middle School ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: When I think back to my years in middle school, there are so many things I would never tell my parents. And that’s what we get to ask Dr.Lehman. Dr. Leman, what are the three things that most middle schoolers won’t tell their parents? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. And we want to let you know, this is for your entertainment and education purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, weren’t those middle school years great years? Terrible. Oh my gosh. But there are tons of things I wish my parents knew, but there’s no way I would ever, ever tell them. So Dr. Leman, my question to you today is what are those three things your middle-schoolers won’t tell us? Dr. Leman: Wow. It’s an interesting time in a kid’s life. A simple pimple becomes Mount St. Helens. Everything’s exaggerated. They say things like, “You never let me do this. You never let me do that.” They speak in the extremes. They’re crazy. They’re hyperactive. They eat like horses, some of them. Unfortunately, some of them eat like sparrows, which is a whole other problem that deals with perfectionism that we don’t have time to get into today. But I think number one, these are things now that your son or daughter is not going to tell you, okay? I wrote a book called Seven Things Your Husband Will Never Tell You, which is a good read. They should read the reviews on that one sometime. Women love that book, and they’re shocked to realize how many things husbands will not tell their wives. But anyway, back to the subject matter. I would say, number one thing that child is not going to share with you, is their feelings of inferiority. Jim Dobson, my colleague and friend for many, many years called it the Canyon of Inferiority. It’s like a kid is sailing along on a really slow moving meandering stream. And all of a sudden he hits the rapids and he drops down a hundred feet in a short period of time. And he hits that Canyon of Inferiority where he feels like everybody is better than him. He’s the only person or she’s the only person who has problems. So it gets down to insecurity. When that kid leaves for school in the morning, parent, you think he’s worried about his geometry test. No, he’s probably more worried about the fact that he fears that, “Today, I’m the one that’s going to be singled out. I’m the one that’s going to be made fun of.” Kids are very, very sensitive to criticism. You look at them the wrong way some mornings, you know this parent, and they burst into tears and you’re standing there saying, “What just happened?” Nothing just happened. They’re 14, they’re 13, they’re 12, they’re 11 and it’s just part of life. So we talk about vitamin E, which is Encouragement. Parent, you have to find ways of encouraging your children that you like them. As Billy Joel once sang in a song, “I love you just the way you are.” You don’t have to measure up. You don’t have to jump higher. So if you’re one of those parents that has a critical eye, that’s one of the things you’ve got to keep in mind if you have a member of the hormone group, as I like to call them, living under your roof. Doug: So the first thing I’m worried about is that I’m inferior and why won’t I tell my parents that? Dr. Leman: You’re not going to tell him that. Andrea: But why not? Dr. Leman: You’re going to keep it all inside of you. I don’t want anybody to know who I really am. And there’s a reason for that. Because I don’t know who I really am. I’m growing up. I’m going from playing with Legos, to having thoughts about the opposite sex. I’m drawing all kinds of conclusions about what’s important in life from watching the TV shows that I watch, playing the games that I play on videos. Doug: So Dr. Leman, what are we to do as a parent then to be aware of that? Dr. Leman: Number 1, you don’t take things personally. That’d be a big thing I would try to communicate to a parent. Because the parent says, “You are so weird. That is so dumb. That’s so stupid.” And those are things you’re going to hear out of a kid’s mouth. By the way, I’ll be very personal with you. Our oldest daughter, she made the mistake in seventh grade of telling her mother and I that we were really stupid. And she didn’t say it in a very nice way. Well, that statement, which I’ll never forget, coincided with, and some of you won’t like this, but put on your big girl pants, your big boy pants and hear me out. It coincided with the day at their school where parents came to the classrooms and a kid had to introduce Sandy and I to the seventh grade class. And Holly got up and very dutifully introduced her Mom and Dad. “This is my Mom and Dad, Kevin and Sandy Lehman.” At which time I took Sandy’s hand and we sang a little song for the class and it went like this. “We are Holly Lehman’s stupid parents. We are Holly Leman’s stupid parents.” We came to stupid, we both dipped our knees in rhythm to the song. Now I’m just going to ask you a question. Do you think that Holly ever again said the phrase, “You’re stupid.” Now, again, some of you don’t like that idea. “You embarrassed your daughter, you did this and did that.” You know, you can talk to kids about watching their mouth, being respectful, and if someone said, “I talked to them until I was blue in the face, they just didn’t seem to get it.” That day, the message was delivered. In not such a polite way. I give you that. But Holly today, if there ever was a considerate, congenial, thoughtful person, it’s her. Who has a great relationship with her parents, her brother and her other sisters. She’s number two in one of the biggest school districts around the state of Arizona. She’s very successful. She’s married to Dean who I love with all my heart. Sometimes you pull the rug out and let the little buzzard tumble. Now I’m just quoting myself from one of my own books. Sometimes you can you again, talk yourself until you’re blue in the face. Sometimes you have to take action. Sometimes that action is uncomfortable. You say, “Well, you made your daughter feel very uncomfortable.” My question back to you who want to argue this point, “How did my 14 year old make Mom and Dad, who sacrificed a lot of things in life to bring her into life and to bring her to age 14?” Doug: So how do you balance that with your kid already feels super insecure? Dr. Leman: Well, afterward we talked to Holly about that and said, “Holly, I understand that it was very uncomfortable for you. And I promise you, I’m not going to do that again. But that’s a lesson learned. You need to understand. God, didn’t put us on this earth for you to run over us. And my pledge to you is we’ll continue to be good parents, but we are in authority over you. And when you take a cheap shot at us, there’s times there’s going to be a consequence for you and it’s not always going to be a comfortable one for you.” So are we on thin ice on that? Yeah, we are. You have to know your kid. You have to know just what you can get away with, so to speak, with each of your children, they’re all different. Doug: So going back then to wrap up the inferiority though, you were saying that if you look at a kid weird and they start crying, or these other weird behaviors are happening, be aware that they have this inferiority conversation happening [inaudible] them and just give them space? Dr. Leman: Yeah. Something’s going on. You have to know that something’s going on. So you’d follow up a conversation with something like, “Honey, I couldn’t help but notice you seemed really upset and you may not want to talk about this. That’s where I’m going to open up at. You might not want to even talk to me about it, but I want you to know that all you got to do is say, “Dad, can we talk?” And I promise, all I’ll do is sit and listen to you.” Now what you’ve done there is you’ve put an invitation out there, “I’m available.” And you said, “Listen, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m not going to answer your question, but I’m going to listen to you.” And if you can get that 14 year old or that 13 year old to tell you what’s going on in their head, you’re on second base. So, in all these things we talk about, what I just talked about with Holly and all that, that’s a toss up. You have to really know your kid to be able to pull something like that off, and you have to follow it up. There’s got to be a sincere, genuine thought and feeling expressed to that daughter that, “I care about you. I love you. And you know, there’s some things that when you go over that border there’s going to be a consequence, whether it’s from me or life. It’s a lesson you must learn.” Anyway, to answer the question, insecurity and knowing that about your teenager is something you need to know. And then number two, we’ve got to hurry here. They’re not going to tell you about their relationships. They’re not going to tell you about the sexual thoughts and feelings they have as their body begins to change physically and their thoughts begin to change emotionally. Most kids aren’t going to tell you. But you have to know, as a parent, that these thoughts and feelings are going on. Now all of you Mommy’s got to put on your big girl pants, because I’m about to say something and it’s going to take you back just a notch or two. Your son. Your son. Not somebody else’s. Your son will experience a nocturnal emission by age 14, better known as a wet dream. I’m just going to ask you parents, have you prepared your son for that experience in life? I can give you the answer. Most of you haven’t. But you have to understand that that’s part of how young males are built. That’s something that happens in a young man’s… Now, I’m sure there’s people listening to us right now that say, “Leman, I trusted you until this moment. You’re a liar. That wouldn’t happen to my son.” Do some research girl. So what I’m saying is you have to understand these kids are going through sexual changes. That kids at 14 are able to get somebody pregnant. Girls even younger than 14 are able to conceive. Have you done your diligence? Have you talked to your son or daughter? I wrote a book called A Chicken’s Guide To Talking Turkey To Your Kids About Sex. I believe it’s the lowest selling Leman book there is. Listen to the title, A Chicken’s Guide To Talking Turkey To Your Kids About Sex. You need to talk to your kids about sex. You’re the best information piece they have. Andrea: Do you have any quick tips for us, Dr. Leman? We’re talking about the things our kids don’t want to tell us. So any quick tips on how to approach this subject with them, how to invite conversation with them, that they’ll feel safe? Dr. Leman: Yes. Yeah. Get in the car and start driving. Get on the interstate, not just a country road where you guys live. Get on an interstate, and this prevents them from leaping out of the car when you start this conversation. Your kids looking out the window saying, “I can’t believe what’s being said right now,” but you start with a very straightforward, “Honey, there’s some things in life that you and I need to talk about. And for right now, you don’t have to respond to anything. I just have some things I want to share with you.” And then based upon your value system, you’re going to tackle some of these ideas about relationships and sex and temptation. And that can cover anything from underage drinking, to smoking pot, to being promiscuous. You name it. It can be very instructional. That’s why I love that book I mentioned, A Chicken’s Guide To Talking Turkey To Your Kids About Sex. It’s a book you can leave around the house. Your kid will pick it up. Your kid will read it. It’s built that way for that reason. I like the idea you’re not looking eyeball to eyeball in a car. That’s why I made that suggestion. It’s easier on you. You can just look at that white line and start talking. Andrea: And they know no one else can hear what you’re saying. Doug: You know what’s so funny about it is, I’m such a chicken when it comes to these kinds of conversations, that that’s what I did. So I took my kid for a long drive and I was like, “Well, I get this done and over with, but I don’t have to look him in the eye.” I got to drive. Dr. Leman: Yeah. I know it’s funny. It sounds funny. It’s entertaining if your kids are 32 and 34, but when your kid’s 14 and 13, it’s serious business. Doug: I know, but it’s so awkward for me. I’m such a chicken. Okay. Alrighty. Before we go to the third one, this applies perfectly to what we’re talking about actually, is that the book Planet Middle School is available for $1.99 between now and the end of February of 2021, wherever you get eBooks. Andrea: Yeah. I just wanted to read this little review from Carrie-Anne. She said that, “Several Moms are going through this book together and finding it full of helpful information to prepare for the middle school years.” I thought what a great idea to have a little book club. Doug: Yep. So if you have a middle schooler and you’re wondering what’s going on, this is a recent book by Dr. Lehman. So it’s got tons of current helps for you. Go and get it wherever you get e-books. And now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Oh my goodness. There’s a lot of things that influence a young child’s personality, namely Mom and Dad and other siblings. I get it, I’ve written a few books on the subject. But you know the one that I discovered in private practice almost by accident, then I saw this tremendous trend, was the critical eyed parent. You know, when you “should” on your kids, I got to be careful how I say that don’t I? “You should do this. You should do that.” What you’re really conveying to your kids is they didn’t measure up. Watch out for that critical eye. Yes. If you’re an engineer or a math teacher or a physicist, I know perfection pays off, but again, we do not need perfection in rearing our children. We need to pursue excellence. You can do this parent. Lots of books out there that address this, including the Birth Order books. Sold well over a million copies for a reason. Doug: All right Dr. Leman, what’s the third one that our kids won’t tell us? Dr. Leman: Well, surprise parents. There was a study done on what teenagers fear the most. Was it nuclear holocaust? No. Guess what it was. “My parents are getting divorced.” Take a look around at the divorce rate, you can see why the number one fear for teenagers today is, “My parents will get a divorce.” I think it’s important if you’re in a loving relationship and divorce has never been a part of your vocabulary and you’re committed to a lifelong marriage, that you tell your kids that. Don’t make them figure it out. Don’t let them guess. Tell them. Use the words. Is it possible for a parent to look at a kid when he’s 14 and say, “I will never divorce your Dad,” and 10 years later, you file for divorce. Yes, it’s very possible. It happens all the time. But not as frequently as people get divorced, for sure, across the board. What I’m saying is, at 24th year of marriage, you find out that your husband has been cheating on you for a couple of years and you take that tough step to divorce him and end the marriage. There’s always consequences for that, by the way. Nobody wins in divorce. But that’s something that kids have on their mind. So telling your kids that family’s important, that relationships are important, that you honor each other in marriage. I always say that the kids are taking emotional, psychological, spiritual notes on how you live your life. They’re always looking up, so to speak. So be careful about the word you choose to use in your family, your actions in the family. Keep in mind, you honor God, and you honor your mate and your honor your children, when you speak the truth in love. Andrea: So what’s better? I believe that my parents hid all of their disagreements from my siblings and I, so I had the idea that marriage would be this smooth ride. Then I get into marriage and I love my husband, he loves me, but we have lots of disagreements. And sometimes they’re a little more visible to the family. What’s better? To hide it or to keep it behind closed doors? Dr. Leman: Yeah. I was thinking about all Doug’s flaws, but I won’t go there. Doug: Thank buddy. Yeah. Dr. Leman: Here’s my opinion on that. If fighting occurs with a parent, I think it’s really important for a parent when they know that little ears heard what went on, that they say, “Hey, I know you heard Mom and Dad going at it. I just want you to know, problem solved.” And tell them how it got solved and tell them how much you love and appreciate their Dad or how much you love and appreciate their Mom. When you do that, I think you’re building psychological muscles for your kids to prepare them for life that isn’t always easy. People who love each other don’t always say loving things. Life happens, so to speak. So I think there’s a sense of realism and doing it that way. Hiding from your children is probably not best idea. But throwing things, if somebody’s very volatile in the family, kids should never see that. That has lasting effects on kids. I hope that answers the question. Andrea: Yeah. Thank you. Doug: This is why every now and then we slip in these marriage tools like Have A New Husband By Friday, because you’ve said, “If you get divorced, you’ve just made your parenting a thousand times harder.” You don’t ever say, “A thousand times harder,” but you say it much more eloquently than I ever would, which is why we do that. Which is why last month we were saying, “Go get the book Have A New Husband By Friday,” to wrap things up. That’s why we do it. This week is Planet Middle School for $1.99, wherever you get your eBooks, go get them there between now and the end of February of 2021. And again, we’re doing this so that you can know how to deal with that middle schooler and that you can love him and add that parenting toolbox. So, great to be with you today. We hope that it helped you and we look forward to the next time. Andrea: Thanks Dr. Lehman for those three tips on what kids won’t tell us, and now we can go and be more in tune to our kids. Doug: Yep. We look forward to the next time that we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “How do I teach my kids how to budget?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– Feb 1 – 28: Planet Middle School ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: But I want it and I want it now. Well, little Timmy, we’ve set up a system for you to be able to know the value of money called a budget. But I don’t care. Here’s the question that Rachel asks, can you teach kids to live on a budget? Is it a good idea? Is it a bad idea? Well, Rachel, we get to ask that question to Dr. Leman for you. Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are joining us today. And if this happens to be your first time, I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, let’s jump into Rachel’s questions, but before we do that, I want to let everybody know you can go to birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion, and you can leave your own audio question here like Rachel, but let’s hear what Rachel has to ask. Rachel: Hi, this is Rachel Beth from Kansas City with a question on foster parenting. When we foster teenagers and preteens, we’re working on differentiation, authority, and bonding all at the same time. That can be tumultuous. My question today is about helping a preteen or teen learn to budget. Of course, this is their money. They’ve earned it, but they haven’t had the years with us to learn how to budget appropriately from the time that they were young. I have had some foster parents say that they demand that a child, a foster child take half of their paycheck and put it into savings. And the other half they can spend however they wish. I have worked with my foster children on setting up a budget. We use the app, Good Budget. They allocate different amounts into different envelopes, and I get them set up for success. Rachel: Although, what I find is very rarely do they follow through on that. Since this is a foster child, not a biological child that has had it for their whole life, what are some practical ways that my husband and I can help our foster children learn how to manage money? It has worked very well, but in general, we’re really not seeing a lot of saving going on. Dr. Leman: Number one, if I believed in giving people stars, I would give you five stars for your effort. Getting kids on a budget is a chore and a half. Kids are very hedonistic. They think in the short term, they don’t think in the long term. And so to get a kid, your own child, to start budgeting or get to get your wife or your husband to do so is not the easiest thing in the world. So again, you get the five stars there. Dr. Leman: What you’re taking on, especially with kids that you foster, where the kids are with you for a relatively short period of time of their life. You’re fighting the 11 years before they came to you, the 14 years before they came to you with any kind of thing that you try to implement. They haven’t had structure in their life. They haven’t had good instruction in their life. Most of them have not come from healthy homes. So you’re dealing with people who are, been behind the eight ball and bounced around a lot. And so why would they trust a foster parent about anything, let alone budgeting? Dr. Leman: But when you asked for a practical step of how to get foster children to budget, I would say two things. They have their check. And just like your friend who said, “Okay, half of it goes here half, you can do whatever you want with it.” That’s not a terrible, bad idea, but it doesn’t get to your point that you want to teach kids to budget. So if that were my foster child and I was interested in teaching them the rewards of saving, what I would do, even as a foster parent, I would match whatever they save that month. Dr. Leman: In fact, as a parent, my kids all worked at a camp, a Christian camp in Western New York. And they work like dogs. They start off as what they call dish rags, where they’re the kitchen help and they clean up the floors and they clean the bathrooms and that kind of stuff. And they’re paid pennies rather than dollars. They don’t get a lot of money for their hard work. And they would bring me their paycheck to cash. So they had some money and I was the bank. I cashed it for them, but whatever their paycheck was, I put it in an account that they didn’t know about. And in fact, I matched it some months and weeks, so they could see visibly the result of saving money. It’s one thing to talk to kids about saving money. It’s another thing to show them that you have several hundred dollars in this account and they go, “Where did that come from?” “Honey, when you gave me a check, I put them in a special account. I was essentially saving the money for you.” Dr. Leman: So my thinking was, they’re working their tail off in a very wholesome activity for the summer. They’re not getting many bucks for it. So I’m going to bless them as their dad, and I’m going to teach them the value of saving money. So again, my simple suggestion to you would be number one, when they blow their money, that is your foster children, they know they’re out of money. So life is going to teach them a lot of what you want to teach them. But if they will take a portion and save it, I would match that. I would encourage that. Now that costs you money. I mean, it comes out of your budget, but you’re asking a question and I’m doing my best to answer it. That’s what I would do. Doug: So if we’re saving, you would say at the end of the month, if the kid has got an extra 50 bucks in their account, how would she know that they’ve got 50 bucks in there? Dr. Leman: I would tell her. “Oh, you put in how much? You’re putting $20 away this month? That’s great. I’ll tell you what, I’m going to match that 20 and next week or next month when you get your check, same thing. So, if you want to put 50 in, I’m going to match it 50. It’s your money. Not mine. It’s your account. You can go get it tomorrow if you want. But as long as you’ll put that in every month, I’ll match it.” Andrea: How do you know they’re not just going to dip into it and go spend it and be like, “Ha-ha. I tricked them.” Dr. Leman: You don’t. At the second month, let’s say they gave you 20 the first month. And they took you up on the offer of 50. Now they put $70 away. You have matched it. You put $70 away. If my math is correct that kid’s got $140. So she goes down to the local bank and she was draws $130 leaving $10 in the account. Okay? So she’s got 130 bucks. It’s her money, but guess what? Next month, she’s got $10 in her account. That’s all. You see, the problem? Life is going to teach her or him when they go outside of these rules, and they are rules of life, there’s going to be a consequence. So it’s a teachable moment. The foster kids, I’ve been a keynote speaker for Parents Anonymous, and I’ve done work for foster associations as well. And that’s a tough world those kids come from. Doug: So what about those that don’t have the foster kid element that this, again, kudos to Rachel for all she’s doing. I’m so impressed. What about the rest of us? If we’re trying to teach our kids beyond just saving, but actually realizing, this costs 100 bucks and this cost 50 bucks and we want them to see it, whether she talked about the envelope system that she’s using or some other thing. Dr. Leman: Yeah. And a lot of parents use that little envelope thing. Well, I in full disclosure, Doug, only on occasion, have I ever written down a check in my personal account. I went to carbon copy checkbooks. And again, we’re talking to young parents today and they’re saying, “Checkbooks, what’s a checkbook? You old guy, you.” Well, I still write checks, but my nature was, I had what they call a credit reserve or something like that. So on my checking account, if I was over, the bank would essentially loan me the money and I’d have to pay it back the next month. And yeah, they charge a low interest. So I am, in full disclosure, I’ve never been a budgeter myself. My sister would write down every check in granite. So you have to keep in mind, parent, that all these kids come to you, whether they’re biological or foster kids, they come to you with different inner workings. They’re going to see life differently. Dr. Leman: Now we, as a parent, we say, “All right, now hear this. This is what we’re going to do in our family.” Good luck because you’re talking to three kids or four kids who are going to see it completely different. And some kids are going to be like the Kevin Lemans of the world and aren’t going to write down the checks. So I’m not a budgeter. I’ve never been a budgeter, never intend to be a budgeter. I don’t value budgeting, I think, would be a fair assumption. I marvel at people who can budget. I marvel at people who can fix things. I can’t fix anything. I don’t have a handyman bone in my body, but I can talk my way into Disney World for nine free tickets. So realize we all have skills. And the problem for parents is that we sort of see things many times in lockstep manner that if you’re a member of the Terpenings, this is what the Terpenings do. Dr. Leman: Well, I got news for you. You got four Terpenings, and each one of those little Terpenings going to see life different. And you find that out early in life. Some kids go to bed like a dream. Other kids go to bed like a salmon on a dock. It’s a fight to the finish. So is there an art of parenting? Yeah, I think there is. But part of it is understanding who you are as a parent and trying to be a good listener, treat your kids differently. And these things that we get hung up on, whether it’s budgeting or whatever, in a big picture of things, doesn’t influence to a great degree who your child is. I think that’s what I would tell parents. Doug: Well, when we come back, I want to ask the question though, if I hold that as a high value that I actually think it is important for them, how do I deal with that? But I’ll forget this. So thank you, Andrea, for reminding me. There’s great book right now. It’s called Planet Middle School for $1.99 between now and the end of February of 2021, wherever eBooks are sold. And Andrea has an Amazon review. Andrea: Yes. Amanda says this book is full of practical advice that you’ll be able to use quickly. If you’re a parent of a middle school student, odds are that you’ll be using advice found in this book within 12 hours of reading. It’s not wishy-washy like some parenting books are, it gets right down to the nitty gritty and gives you concrete solutions that leave your child feeling respected while you can retain your authority as a parent. Doug: So if you have kids that are in those middle school years, highly, highly, highly recommended for only $1.99. And now a no nonsense parenting moment from Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Hey parents, I’m going to ask you to do something really simple. Just stand up and be the parent you need to be. I’m walking through a grocery store. There’s a four year old in a cart with a young mommy. And every time the cart stopped, the child began to point. “I want that. I want that.” “Oh no, honey, this is what …” “No, I want that.” A little fussing, and before long what mom didn’t want, she said she didn’t want it, is in the cart. For the life of me, parent, every kid needs vitamin N, which is no. If you don’t assume your authority, your child is going to steal it from you. And you’re going to create a little brat to put it bluntly. There’s a reason people look at you sometimes in the store. Believe me, they’re shaking their head saying, “I cannot believe that mother who is an authority over whom?” Don’t ever forget it. You are in authority over your children, not as authoritarian, but you are in healthy authority. Utilize it. It’s free. Doug: So Dr. Leman, let’s say that in our family, we think budgeting is like one of the core values you need to know as an adult. And we have that kid like you who’s like, “Budgeting? What’s a budget? I don’t know what that is.” How do we solve that tension when we think money is a big … Is one of those things that causes lots of friction in life. They need to know how to control it. Dr. Leman: Yeah. I can answer that question. I’ll remind people that money is important. It’s mentioned 109 times in the Bible. This comes right out of one of the Leman books. I wish I could tell you which one, but I can’t. But it’s like having a puppy. You start training a puppy when they’re a puppy, you don’t wait too long. So by age five, you start an allowance for a child. Every child gets an allowance. To define that allowance, I would say it’s a small portion of the recreational budget of the family. Okay. You might give a five-year-old a couple of dollars in quarters for an allowance. You would increase it every year. When kids get to a seventh grade, for example, that would be increased a lot. When they get to fourth grade, they’re obviously going to get more money than they were in kindergarten. Dr. Leman: And they get the high school, I love giving high schoolers up budget for clothes. I think you put money in a child’s hands at 14 and say, “Okay, this is the money we’ve allocated for school clothes. Now you go and you go shopping. If you want me to come with you, I’d be glad to, but that’s your choice.” A kid will figure out if, “I buy this X brand, I only have enough to get one shirt. But if I buy this brand, I can get two shirts and a pair of pants as well.” Let them figure it out. So what I’m saying is your allowance is your best friend when kids are young and they say, “I want this. I want that.” You just simply say, “Honey, use your allowance.” Now, if you want to, if you want to have a savings plan, my two grandchildren who are 15 and 17, both have their own debit cards. Dr. Leman: The parents have done a good job in instructing them about financial things. One of them is really sort of tight. In fact, I’d say she’s cheap. If she can find a way to get somebody else to spend their money, she loves to hold onto her money. Isn’t it interesting how kids are? One kid’s a spender and the other kid’s not, but again, they’ll figure that out. The important thing is if you’re going to do this, if that’s a value then putting allowance system at age five and handle it as judiciously as you can. Try to stay out of the way of making decisions for them, because there’s not a better decision than when a kid blows his money on something that was downright half worthless. You know what I’m saying? Let them figure it out their life. They’ll figure it out. Andrea: And when would you stop giving an allowance? Dr. Leman: It’s a little like asking when do you stop being a parent? Yesterday, to be real practical, I wrote a check for $2,365 for my donation to the Institute for Better Education. In Arizona if you go to a private school, as two of my grandchildren go to, I have four grandchildren, I can donate money in their name and that $2,365 will apply to their tuition. And I get it back on my state income tax. Now, some people are saying, “Boy, I wish we had that in our state.” Well, move to Arizona and you can enjoy that. But the question is, when do you stop being a parent? My daughter said to me yesterday, “Dad, it’s that time of year again, are you willing to put money into Connor and Adeline’s education for next year?” Dr. Leman: And I said, “Well, to tell you the truth honey, right now, I’m sort of broke. This is the end of the year. Taxes are due January 15th, but yes, I’ll do that.” And we do it. So when do you stop giving allowances? I think you put kids on allowances through the college years of one kind or another. I mean, here’s a fact for people to think about. I have five kids. I think it was $620,000 I spent on educating four kids through college. That includes everything. That’s a lot of money. That frightened people just to hear that figure today. Dr. Leman: Well, if you got kids that are seven or eight years old, do some research, you tell me how much it is to send your kid to … You name the school. The school down the street from where you live, the state university across lines. You’ll be shocked at how much it costs. That’s why they have programs like a 529, I think it’s called IRA where you can save money for your kid’s future education. So don’t, don’t misread what I’m saying. I’m not a budgeter. But I do see the value in people who save money for the future. That’s a smart thing to do for sure. And most Americans don’t save anything, quite frankly. Doug: Well, thank you, Dr. Leman. And it makes me think of a story that I worked … My dad owned a laundromat and I cleaned out, maybe I’ve told this to you before, I got the clean out all the quarters that trap underneath the agitators. It took me hours. I had a pocket full of quarters and I biked down to the local arcade and like in an hour and a half, I burned through all the coins. And when I told him, I was like- Dr. Leman: Good for you, Doug. Doug: I know, but I biked home and I just thought, “I busted my, you know what, for days, and it’s all gone an hour and a half. I’m never doing that again.” So I learned the value of … there’s a level of enjoying and enjoying. So yeah. Okay. Well, Rachel, we just thank you so much for being a foster parent first off. Dr. Leman: Kudos for you. Doug: Kudos for you. And thank you for leaving the question as well. It’s a great question. Lots of parents are wondering how we can help our kids and we hope this helps all those other parents out there. A reminder, go get the book Planet Middle School for less than $2, $1.99 between now and the end of February of 2021. It will bless you tremendously. And we look forward to the next time we get to add to your parenting toolbox so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great one. Bye-bye. Doug: Take care. Bye-bye.

Is it okay to let your kid disagree with you? On this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast, Dr. Leman discusses how to approach your kid’s opposing opinions. **Special Offer– Jan 14 – 31: Have a New Husband by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: How do you deal with it when your feelings differ from your kids’ feelings on issues that you actually have strong opinions about or strong opinions yourself, or feelings about yourself? What do you do? How do you deal with that? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us. If this is your first time with us, we’d like to let you know that this is for your entertainment and educational purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, as you know, we live in some times that there are lots of shifting thoughts and opinions and feelings out there, but how do we as parents deal with this idea that when we think it’s blue and they think it’s red, or we think it’s whatever, and they state something different from us? And it would be great if you could do it for younger kids and then teenage kids. How do I deal with this? Dr. Leman: Wow. Such an easy question. The other question you could have asked me is what is truth? No, seriously. You know, I think this is a good topic because let’s face it, most of us parents know exactly how our kids should behave, how they should think, how they should act in social situations. I mean, you mentioned red and blue, so I’m hanging this on you, Mr. Terpening. Okay? You brought up red and blue. The political season. It seems like it’s never going to stop, but what do you do when your 12 year old, your 13 year old, your 15 year old expresses political views, for example, that are very different from the values that you and your spouse hold very close to your heart and mind? How do you deal with social issues today? And there are many of them out there. Oh my goodness. We’re plummeted with different ideas from different sectors of our country. So the question is, how do you maintain the relationship with your son or daughter? How do you foster communication with your son or your daughter, even though the subject matter inside infuriates you? Is that saying it pretty plain? All right. So let’s venture into that sea and see what we can come up with. The sea of life, I like to call that one. Well, your son comes home and he’s been energized by watching some television. He was actually watching some news shows, which is very uncharacteristic of a 13, 14 year old kid. And he comes home and expresses some ideas, and they’ve been reinforced by some of his buddies at school, that really rile you. Okay? First piece of advice is if you’re riled, if you’re upset, you bite your tongue for awhile. You need to come to a place where you’re not coming across as an adversary. And you have to come to a place where you appear not to be angry, that you are in full control of your emotions. Now, if that takes you a half an hour, so be it. But listen to what I’m about to say. If it takes you two days, that’s okay too. Because some of these things, we sort of jump into, exaggerate in our minds, say, Oh my goodness, my kid’s going to do this. My kid’s going to become that. You know, let’s not put the cart before the proverbial horse, and let’s get to a point where emotionally we have some balance. And then the key words are, “Honey. I find that more than an interesting.” Okay? Now again, parent, you’re really infuriated. This was two days later. It took you that long, and listen to what I’m saying. “Honey, wow, that’s really interesting.” Now here’s the hard part, parent. “Tell me more about that.” And you let that son or that daughter run. I’m a fishermen. I was out in Lake Erie this summer, and I had a big fish on my line. And I was with a guide who knows a lot more about fishing than I do. And he had set the drag on the spinning outfit to let that fish run. You don’t want to force it. If you force it, you have a chance of snapping a line and certainly losing the fish. You want to give that fish running room, which he did. He must have run it out in another 75 yards. And it was a big fish. Well, I think that’s a good analogy as a parent. The tendency is just a knee jerk reaction, haul that fish in as quick as you can, just, you know, overpower it, and chances are the results are not going to be good. So when you let that child run, and what I mean by that, you let that child express those opinions. So second piece of advice is, do not be judgmental. Do not make a judgment about what that son or daughter is talking about. Just listen. That’s a skill that all of us need to do better at. It’s hard just to be a listener because you want to jump in. You want to straighten up the ship, tell the kid where the bones buried, give them the facts. You’re the adult, he’s the kid. But it doesn’t work. Just keep that fish analogy in mind. So those are two things you start with. Okay? And if that child doesn’t feel pushback, okay, it’s not going to escalate. That child is going to get their thought or their feeling out. And you’re going to make comments like, “Wow. Interesting. Wow. I tell you the truth. I’ve never thought of it that way.” So you’re not condemning. You’re not judging. You’re letting them run. Then at a certain time, if there are questions in your mind, and there are lots of questions in your mind, you’re saying, how could my kid possibly believe what they just said? The tendency again is to pounce on them. Don’t do that. Here’s the key number three, ask for their opinion. So whatever that question is, put it in opinion form. It’s sort of like playing Jeopardy or watching Jeopardy on TV. The answer isn’t the answer, it is what is. Okay? So you’re going to use opinion when you’re tempted to use a question. So that gets us going. What do you two doctors in the state of Oregon think? Doug: Well, I think you’re nuts to start off with again. And I think it’s terrible advice. Like I think of everything you’ve ever said. So there we go. How’s that? Andrea: And of course, they’re going to run with these new ideas and we’re going to lose them and they’re never going to come back. Doug: Yeah. They’re going to crash and burn, then we’re going to blame you. How’s that for starters? Dr. Leman: Yeah. They’re kids. You know? I was with my granddaughter last night, she’s 15, and she’s just not a math student. She’s a great kid. She get good grades in everything but math. And I shared with her. I said, “Honey, it’s in the genes.” I was kidding her. And I said, “Hey, let’s face it. You’re dumb as a rock.” Now, she’s 15 years old. She’s pretty as they come, she knows my sense of humor. And she knows, for those of you who are tempted to send me an email, save your fingertips. Don’t. We have a wonderful relationship. And I said, “But again, it runs in the family. My mother, honey, my mother, your great grandmother, her final grade in algebra when she was a freshman in high school was 22. Your grandfather’s final exam in algebra one, believe it or not, was 22. So the fact that you got 45 on your last quiz that tells me you’re near genius.” And so you talk about it, you acknowledge it. You have fun with whatever’s coming your way and notice that you share some vulnerability. And so when you’re asking that kid about opinion, that’s a time when you might offer up some thoughts and feelings that you had when you were 15 years old or 14 years old about life. And now, give it the insight that you’ve gained, you know, now that you’re 43 years of age. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s a teachable moment for all of us, but you don’t want to repel them. You don’t want to run over them. You don’t want to be overly judgmental with them. We all make judgments. I get it. But you got to be careful how you express that to your son or your daughter. Doug: So let’s just talk about the first elephant in the room. And that is that if I go and I asked the two, if I say, “Oh, that’s interesting. Tell me more about that.” And, “Oh, I’d love to know your opinion.” I feel like I’m just totally validating and reinforcing the most idiotic thing I’ve heard of in the last 20 years. So why am I not reinforcing this terrible idea? Dr. Leman: Well, and you’re speaking for most people, Doug. Most people would read that as wait a minute, I’m condoning it. Where have you said in any of those words that you condone what they were thinking? You haven’t. You’re just letting that fish run. But there are times, like I say, when you slip the commercial announcement, as I like to call it, to your son or daughter. When you share in a very vulnerable way that you used to think … Well, let’s take a hot button. Let’s take a hot button like abortion, where, when you were a kid, you were a follower of a, trying to think of her name, Gloria Steinem. Okay? And by the way, I’ve shared the platform with Gloria Steinem hat the University of Illinois with 15,000 women altogether. But you were very into the liberation movement. You were very into abortion. You loved the bumper sticker that said, “Keep your laws off my body.” And now that you are an adult and maybe you had a decision in your life to follow Jesus and your whole life changed. And you saw things not from just a worldly perspective, but from a biblical world perspective. And you’ve been convicted that abortion is wrong. In fact, one of the things that I would bring up to a daughter is the [inaudible] New York State approve legislation that you could abort a child at nine months. Now, I don’t know what you want to call it, but I am not apologetic for this statement. That’s flat out murder in my opinion. Period. And I would be willing to share that with a son or a daughter in one of those moments where I’m being vulnerable and showing with my kid my journey to wrestle with that very difficult decision. And I’m not negating that’s a difficult decision for anybody. I’m very sensitive to all those issues around that. But again, it comes to a point where, okay, 15 year old has made her run. She’s told you all of her feelings and you asked for her opinion and she gave it to you. And now in full disclosure and creating a balance in that conversation, I’m saying, “Well, honey, let me show you my journey on that very subject.” And you share it. Now, have you shared it in a judgemental way? No. All you’ve done in a very vulnerable and open way is share your ideas about that hot button. Now, keep in mind, parent. You’re not going to make that decision for that kid. If you think you are, you better read all those Leman books again, real quickly. You see what I’m saying, Doug and Andrea? Doug: Right. But the problem is, is, well, A, it feels like I’m condoning it because I’m not standing up for what I know is right. And then B, I realized that what you said there at the end is I can’t make them agree with me or I can’t make them make the decision I want them to make is a great reminder, again, that at 14 for sure, I’ve learned, you have to listen a whole bunch. You’re right. And the slipping the commercial works way better because if I attack it and start just, you know how dumb idea that is. Like, that is the dumbest thing I’ve heard. And don’t you know where that leads to? What am I going to do to the kid if I start saying things like that? Dr. Leman: Well, I think the scenario we just threw, you modeled what a great parent is. A parent listens. Okay? You have to be respectful. You’ve been very respectful. You’ve listened to everything he or she has said. And now it’s time to balance things. Just say, “Well, can I share with you?” You can even ask for permission. “Can I share with you how I see that? Because we obviously see it differently.” Share your journey and then shut up. You slip them the commercial announcement, and then you shut up. You start beating that dead horse. Now, I’ve been married to a lovely lady. Her name is Mrs. Uppington. If you’re new to our podcast, she is something else. She’s 100% German. Okay? And I think that has something to do with it, but I’ll get in trouble if I go too far down that road. But see, I think that having all the lights on in the house is really rather impractical. Okay? She doesn’t have a problem with lights. In fact, her quote from last Christmas, I remember, “Oh honey, those thousand little lights. That’s not going to make that big difference in that electric bill.” That’s a quote. Those thousands of little lights. And I mean thousands. Okay? It looks like, you know, it’s January. We still have our kids here. Our kids came, they all came before Thanksgiving. They’re still here. All five of them are here. Our daughter brought her twins with her. We have three dogs. I spend a few minutes a day just walking through the house, turning off lights. I’ve had this conversation with my wife for over 50 years. And I have deduced that if I say anything about turning off the lights, I might as well go out and spit in the wind. Just spit in the wind. It’s going to come right back on my face. So you know what I do? I shut up and I walk around and I turn lights off almost all day long. So there’s certain situations you have to realize that saying anything isn’t going to be productive. You have to live your life and you live your life in as exemplary fashion as you possibly can. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, I’m glad we just got through that therapy session for you to complain about the light situation. I hope you feel better now. I have a follow-up question, but before we do that, I want to make sure, thank you, Andrea, for reminding me. This last half of the month, you can get a great book, Have A New Husband By Friday, for only $2 and 99 cents between now and the end of January of 2021, wherever eBooks are sold. Andrea: Yep, and Carol has a review on Amazon that says, “Yes, I enjoyed the book. I learned a lot about how my husband may be thinking and feeling. The book was more about the wife understanding her husband and a change of her attitude. I found it enlightening from a man’s point of view, and I hope to reread it again when I get too critical of my husband.” Doug: So go wherever you get eBooks for only $2 and 99 cents. You only got a couple of days and it’ll help your marriage. Alrighty. And now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Well, hi, everybody. For most of you, school bells are ringing, they’re about to ring, or they have rung. But with COVID, it makes a difference, doesn’t it? You know what? Schools are so smart to offer parents an option. Yes, online can work for a while, but I think the smartest schools are the ones who invite students or scholars into the campuses. And by the way, schools provide all kinds of great stuff for kids, like food. Or special needs students. You can’t put special needs students, many of them, on computers. And there’s economic factors as well. So parents, I know it’s upsetting. I know it can even be frightening. We don’t live in fear. Okay? Get your scholars back in school. Communicate, talk to your people. Every situation is different, I know it, but do your best. Doug: Alrighty, Dr. Leman, we have some friends of ours, and this isn’t why I brought this question up, but it’s relevant to them. They are petrified of how they are seeing their daughter consume more and more different sources of information that are contrary, that they actually think are going to lead her down a harmful path someday. And she’s beginning to express those opinions more and more and more. Andrea: Like in the news stream. Doug: Like in the news stream, yep. Andrea: Yep. Doug: Like in the new stream. And these are just social issues or other thoughts, and they don’t know how to turn that ship. So how about all those parents that are thinking, well, that’s fine, Dr Leman, but you don’t understand what my kid is looking on social media or on the news sites or wherever. I see that ship going the wrong way. That’s all nice, but I can see this one’s going to crash on rocks. What would you say to that parent about it? Dr. Leman: Well, I would say, listen, this is a control issue that you would love to have control over. If you had your way, you would shut off those news sources. You would shut down her Instagram account. You’d shut down her Facebook, you know, on and on and on. It doesn’t work that way. It’s never worked that way. That never gets a good result. You have to be respectful. You have to listen. And you’re saying, “Leman, you don’t understand. I hear it all the time. I am listening.” Oh, are you really listening? Are you just hearing it? There’s a difference. If you listen, okay? In a respectful way, your son or daughter is going to learn to trust Mom and Dad. Now, you tell me what’s better, to earn the trust of your son or your daughter, or to do it your way? See? If you just follow your feelings, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors have said for years, “Oh, I know the problem here. You need to get in touch with your feelings. And if you just get in touch with your feelings and follow your feelings, everything will be okay.” Those are disastrous words. If Andrea, sweet Andrea, would just follow her feelings for 30 days, she’d be in the county jail. You just can’t live life like that. So it’s not the message that a parent wants to hear. They want an instant fix. How can I change my child? You have to understand that child is not you. He’s not a clone of you. She’s not a clone of you. They’re going to think differently. They’re growing up in a different world than you and I grew up in. So all these influences that are part of their life are going to greatly impact how they see life. They’re going to see it differently than you and I. I’ve got five kids. We’ve got a three to two split on most things with the kids. They’re not all in line. They’re not clones. They all have different ideas, different personalities. So anyway. Andrea: So I just want to kind of rephrase all that, so I make sure I’m hearing it correctly. So you’re saying, okay, my child is taking in news, you know, from a site that I don’t like. They’re starting to take on these different beliefs that maybe I’m really uncomfortable with. In this case with my friend, the daughter’s actually calling her mother names because she believes, you know, differently. I need to just do the listening? I need to say, “Ooh, that’s interesting. I haven’t thought of it that way,” and not take away her new sources, not try and control the situation. But by being that listening patient ear, eventually she’ll realize and trust me. Dr. Leman: What I said, you remember what I said just a few moments ago? If there’s not respect, we’re going nowhere. And when a kid dogs a parent, is disrespectful, that’s what we go into vitamin N. Because that’s not fair. It’s fair for me to listen to all of your ideas. To listen. Okay? Not try to change them, just listen. But when you turn around and call me names because of it, that’s a whole nother story. That’s when, “Hey Mom, I’m going to take the car and go to my girlfriend’s house.” That’s when you say the car is not going anywhere and it’s not because of what she thought, okay? Or what her beliefs are. It’s because she disrespected her mom in the home. Doug: So what, Dr. Leman, you’re telling us is don’t get agitated, calm your heart down, even if it takes you two days. Say, tell me more about that. Don’t be judgemental when they talk, and ask for their opinion, because you want to build trust and have mutual respect. That is huge. You’re right. Andrea: And I think one of the harder parts is going to be actually, you said at some point sharing my opinion. I think it’s going to be hard to share that without getting into a argument, you know? Doug: Right. Andrea: And just saying, well, this is my experience. This is how I got to where I am. Doug: My suggestion to all of you out there. If you’re like, ah, Doug, you were just getting to the good stuff here. Like, I’m not doing this. I’m not shutting it down, it’s just, we got time, is to say, go buy the book. What is it, Andrea? Andrea: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. Dr. Leman: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. But you know that book that we’re talking about, that we’ve offered today on, Have A New Husband By Friday? Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: You know, whether you like to admit it or not, as an author, you have favorite books. And I just want people to know that’s one of my all time favorites. That book rocks. So many women have thanked me for taking the time to write that book. It gives you great ideas on how to approach this man who, by his nature, is not a talker. He’s not a sharer. He’s not one that gives you his innermost thoughts and feelings. So that book, Have A New Husband By Friday, it’s not about you trading in your husband for a newer model. It’s about learning how to talk to a man so he will open up his heart and mind to the things that you want to share. So that is a wonderful book. Doug: Well, and this is why we keep recommending all these books for you so that you get this concept of listening, asking questions, good questions. And so that you can go, great. I know how to deal with my kids. And again, there’s no cookie cutter thing that’s going to work for each kid. So you got to figure it out. But this gives you the tools to figure out how to do that, differently than just how you feel in that moment, which is often how I screwed up my parent. Well, it was great to be with you today and thank you, Dr Leman, for wading into these waters with us. And I hope it really helps you parents be able to relax and enjoy those kids and know how to address them when things get tough, so that you can love those kids more and more and more. Great to be with you today. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Bye-bye. Andrea: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 3-year-old throws tantrums when she doesn’t get enough attention.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– Jan 14 – 31: Have a New Husband by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: “I want that cookie. I want… Aaaaaah.” Do you ever get tired of hearing that as a parent? Audrey is, and that’s the question she’s asking us. “I’m tired of the tantrums. How do I stop that?” Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: We are so glad that you are joining us this morning. If this happens to be your first time with us, I’ll let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Let’s hear what Audrey has to say about tantrums in her house. Audrey: Hi, Dr. Leman. Love the show. We have two kids. We have a three-year-old girl and an almost one-year-old boy. Our three-year-old girl, she’s a pretty good big sister. She loves her brother, but she has a real problem with not getting all the attention that she thinks she needs. She’ll throw fits when she thinks she’s being ignored. She will walk all around whining when she doesn’t get what she wants. We’re pretty careful to not tolerate it if she is not being nice. Then she’ll go sit on her bed until she’s done, but it doesn’t really seem to help. I don’t really know what to do. Any advice would be great. Thank you. Dr. Leman: That’s a great question, Audrey. First of all, you sound like a great mommy, and part of what you’re going through, most of us as parents have dealt with when we have kids that are two years apart or less. Those are built-in competitive years, and you’ll be glad to know this will continue. It can continue all the way through their teenage years, believe it or not. When they’re close in age, there’s competition. The good news is you have one of each sex, which is going to make it a lot easier to deal with as you go along. Dr. Leman: What you have to understand is when your little sweetheart, your little girl, was just two years old, she heard the word ‘pregnancy’. She found out this little guy was going to come home. When he came home from the hospital, she said, “You know, I think that little guy’s here to stay.” All of a sudden, her position as queen of the family has been diminished because a lot of people are giving a lot of attention to that little thing, that one-year-old brother. Is it immaturity? Yeah, she’s only three. Is it selfishness? Yes, she’s only three. Dr. Leman: This is why God gave kids parents, because we help shape the behavior of the child. I say you’re a good parent because you don’t tolerate the whining. You let that child go sit in their bedroom and cool her heels, which is all good. What I’m saying is, this is as natural a situation that you will see in a good family, such as yours. It’s just a matter of you being consistent. As soon as she starts her dog and pony show, as soon as she gets her little selfish nose in the air, you act immediately. That’s my best advice. Dr. Leman: What does that mean? It means you pick her up swiftly. You give her the look. You say, “Mommy’s unhappy. You’re going to sit here until you decide to act like a three-year-old.” Close the door. She might howl at the moon. If she does, no problem. Okay? For openers, be quick, don’t tell yourself she’s going to stop. Take action. Be firm, give her the look, keep in mind that kids do not like it when mom’s unhappy. Okay? Dr. Leman: Now, notice that we’re only focusing on the three-year-old. That one year old, even at a year old, and at eighteen months, he will be much better at this. He’ll know exactly how to push her buttons, to unleash her wrath at brother. Then you’re going to come in and over-correct your daughter, and the saga continues. Like I said, it could go all through the teenage years, but here’s another important tip. Dr. Leman: If you hold both of them accountable for the maladaptive behavior they’re engaging in, you will lessen the competition and you’ll have a more peaceful family. In other words, never ask who started it, don’t assume who started it, treat both of them with some healthy disdain. That you really show them that, “I’m very unhappy that you two can’t act like you should be.” Simple stuff. I will now ask our resident psychologist to chime in. Andrea: I’m very curious. How is she going to know when the one-year-old boy is really starting to manipulate the situation? Are there signs she should be looking for, or is there something she should be doing now, even towards him? Dr. Leman: He’s only almost a year. Okay? So I would get the calendar out. You know when he’s going to be 18 months of age. Circle that month and say, “You know what? This is about the time this guy is really going to get powerful.” It’s just a developmental issue with kids. About 18 months, they get a really good sense of how their behavior affects the behavior of those around them, namely mom and dad, and older sister in this case. So be aware it’s coming. Again, don’t ask questions who started it. Just what’s going on in the house. Fighting, for example. Fighting is not to take place in the home. Dr. Leman: So what I would suggest when two kids are fighting at three and eighteen months, you take them both by the arm and put them someplace, close the door. Put them outside, depending upon what time of year it is and what kind of a climate you live in, et cetera. Be Swift, be firm, give them the look, let them know you’re unhappy, and repeat as often as necessary. So you’re taking away the audience, and part of the misbehavior is designed to get you needlessly involved in their affairs. So the sooner you do that, and the more consistent you are with that, Audrey, the more chance you have of having a peaceful home. Doug: I don’t know where I picked up this thought. How did we get this notion that somehow our kids are just going to get out of the tantrum phase as they get older? But you’re telling me it’s not going to get out of [inaudible 00:07:12]? Dr. Leman: If tantrums are dealt with in the right way, they will come to pass, they’ll be gone. But what happens is, we’re very inconsistent, especially when kids are young. Kids do something and it’s really not great behavior, but it’s really cute and entertaining. We sit there, and giggle and laugh at it. Yet when the pastor is over to your home, and the son and daughter do the same thing, all of a sudden it’s not so funny. Do you see what I’m saying? So we’re rewarding the same behavior and then trying to extinguish the same behavior. So we’re being inconsistent. Doug: If I’ve got this right, on the tantrum you’re saying, “You tell them, ‘I am very displeased about how you are behaving,’ and you remove them so they don’t get attention.” Is that right? Dr. Leman: Right. It’s purposive behavior. The kid is saying through his behavior, “I’m an authority here. I’m calling the shots.” all you’re doing is saying, “No. Honey, we love you. But you know, you’re not calling the shots. We as parents have authority over you.” I remind every parent, “Your kid wouldn’t have a shirt on their back, or underwear on their bottom today, if you didn’t buy it for him.” So you have all the gold in your back pocket, you have all four aces in your back pocket. Exercise your authority in a non-authoritarian way, and you’ve got a good game plan for raising those kids. Doug: When we come back, I want to make sure I get the ebook thing in here. I want to ask you, why would I want to do that? Maybe I’ll just deal with the tantrums. How has it helped my children to learn to stop having tantrums? But Have a New Husband by Friday, that’s only $2.99 between now and the end of January of 2021, and the Amazon review, Andrea? Andrea: Yeah, I like this Amazon review. It’s from Irene in Germany. I actually had to use the ‘translate’ click button on Amazon because she had written her review in German. “Yay. Wow. I have known for a long time that man and woman tick differently, but the concrete examples told by Dr. Leman from his many years of practice have shown me that these differences are even more profound than I thought so far. Very helpful, easy-to read-guide for couples.” Doug: If you want to know how to connect more with your husband and have that marriage relationship that you want, it is a fabulous book to look into the mind of a man. Get it now. Now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Okay, parents. Let me get your attention. Your 14-year-old daughter is all of a sudden interested in another 14-year-old, or let’s make it even worse, he’s 16. I can hear the chills running up your spine. Hey, let me give you an idea. We’re talking about dating. My suggestion is invite that kid over. You say to your daughter, “Honey, you’ve mentioned this Eric a lot of times. Why don’t you invite him over for a pizza some night? We’d love to meet him.” Just like that. Don’t make this bigger than it needs to be. Don’t make the proverbial mole hill into a mountain. Dr. Leman: That way, you’re showing your daughter, or your son, that this home is also their home and that you’re willing to change to take these curve balls of life in stride. It does a great deal to increase the quality of your relationship with your son or daughter. The good news, a lot of these little early puppy-love type things, they have a lifespan of about three to six weeks. So be willing, make the suggestion. I’m not suggesting you leave them alone for four hours, but don’t hover and make a fool of yourself either. This is just a stage of life. You can handle this, parents. Now, do it. Doug: Dr. Leman, why in the world would I go through all that effort of having to stop my child’s tantrum? How’s it going to help them, and how’s it going to help my parenting? Dr. Leman: I think the best way to answer that, Doug, is it takes away the probability of your child growing up to be just self-centered. Again, most families bring kids up in such a way that kids see themselves as the center of the universe. Okay? Parents just try way, way, way too hard to make sure little Buford is happy at every turn. We’ve discussed that many times. That’s not the goal of parenting. Dr. Leman: So you’re really helping… to answer your question… your child to develop a healthy self-esteem, which reflects in their mind that other people count too and, “This isn’t all about me.” So you’re preparing your young man to be a great husband. You’re preparing your young daughter to become a great wife to somebody. So it’s a no-loss proposition for you to exercise your authority in a healthy way. Doug: Now, if I’m brutally honest, which I should be, is that even a value now, that you do have self-control? I don’t mean to be like old grouchy man, but does it even matter that I am trying to raise up kids that have self-control, or maybe a better way to say it is, versus I want them to love me, and I’m afraid that they won’t be attached to me if I separate them from me, and I’d rather have them love me then have self-control? Dr. Leman: Yeah. That’s a very hedonistic viewpoint that many parents have. Take a look around our nation. You tell me, maybe I’m seeing things wrong. I don’t see people respecting each other. How about this one? Here’s a thought. How many of you are old enough to remember watching a newscast and not being able to tell what that newscaster’s political persuasion is? Anybody old enough to remember that? No, I’m just telling you that today we are polarized. We are a divided nation, politically, socially, racially. It’s not good. The center of that is that we are selfish. We think about ourselves. We don’t think about our neighbor, our community. Doug: How will them not being selfish… when I think about it as a parent, I’m like, “Okay, how important is it to me that they don’t grow up selfish versus I want them to love them.” How will it help? You’re right, I should care about the nation, but how will it help them as an individual to not be so selfish? Dr. Leman: I think in part I’ve answered that, that they understand that other people count in life. One, selfishness does not lend itself to somebody being a good citizen, a good partner, a good business partner, a good marriage partner. It’s what the world doesn’t need, is more selfishness. Doug: Yeah. I would say even in our brief parenting experience, and we aren’t done yet, right? Our kids are getting closer to launch, but when my kids fully realized, like my 21-year-old realized, “Well, I can be super-selfish at times,” and dropped it, he came back a way more loving kid, and he seems way more relaxed and happy now. It’s crazy to me that learning not to be selfish is actually a blessing to us, even though it feels like it’s not. We’re so programmed to it be all about us. Andrea: What you just said, though, is that the relationship is better- Doug: Yeah. Andrea: … when we do teach them to be not self-centered. Doug: You’re right, Dr. Leman. I hate to say this, but even in Andrea and I’s marriage, it at times, you know how Andrea, she’s so selfish about everything, but… I’m kidding. I’m the one that’s usually the selfish one. When I’m not so selfish, our marriage gets better and my life gets better. It is a great value to teach us and we can start at three, helping them learn not to throw tantrums. So, reminder, go get Have a New Husband by Friday for $2.99 between now and the end of January of 2021. We love getting podcast questions. You can go to birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. I think I gave the wrong address last time. Dr. Leman: Hey Doug, there is one other thing I would add. For those of you who want the book in hand, okay? Here’s my suggestion. Ladies, go and buy that book. That book is for you to read, but just leave it somewhere in the house where your husband discovers the title, Have a New Husband by Friday. That ought to generate some good discussion in your home. Doug: I know. I just told Andrea, that would freak me out. That would make me stand up and ask questions. That’s a great suggestion. Oh man. I do not like that idea. Okay. We’re doing this so you could add to your parenting toolbox, so you can love those kids more and more, birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion. Andrea, just say bye bye. Andrea: Goodbye. Doug: [crosstalk 00:16:46]. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Have a great week. We look forward to the next night. Bye bye. Andrea: Bye. Bye.

Calling all wives: do you struggle with communicating with your husband? On this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast, Dr. Leman breaks down the do’s and don’ts of talking with your man.   **Special Offer– Jan 1 – 13: The Intimate Connection ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**   **Special Offer– Jan 14 – 31: Have a New Husband by Friday ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Dr. Leman: Andrea, I have a question for you. When was the last time you looked at your cute husband, Doug, and said, “Doug, I need you”? Andrea: What? Am I supposed to tell him that? I can’t answer that question. I guess we need this podcast today. Doug: Let me tell everybody what our topic is today. Our topic today is how would I communicate with the man I love? And, here’s a little bonus, it also works for your children, which is why we are doing this. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you joined us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. And if the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, the short answer is never. Dr. Leman: Okay. All right. I’m going to make a bold guess here. That the podcast that you’re about to hear is the best podcast that we have done in this marvelous, wonderful, exciting year. So I wonder how many women realize that their husband, more than anything else, needs to know and feel that he’s needed by the love of his life. And hopefully, ladies, that’s you. Doug: So Dr. Leman, Andrea and I, this is going to shock you, we may have communication issues at times. Andrea: At times. Doug: At times. Not often. So why in the world would any woman say to a man- Andrea: I need you. Dr. Leman: Because that’s basically what a man needs to feel. He has to feel and experience the need from you that he’s needed in your life. Again, keep in mind that we live in a society where women have been taught, in some circles, statements like this. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. We’re in a man bashing society. Men are written off as buffoons who apparently don’t have a lot of feelings, because we know that most men are not talkers. But there’s reasons why men don’t talk. It’s because women have a very difficult time, even though they’re great communicators, they’re great communicators with their girlfriends, with people in general. They’re thoughtful. They’re always saying things to other people like, “Well, thank you for asking.” They are tuned in to relationship talk. But they miss the mark when it comes to talking to their husband. Now, some people are thinking, well, wait a minute, Leman. You just said that my husband needs to feel needed more than anything else. And I say, yes, that’s true. Well, what about respect? I’ve always heard that my husband wants to be respected. All right. Why don’t you put that litmus test into your life today? Ask your husband, ask that man in your life, “Honey, what’s more important, to be respected or to be needed?” Andrea: What’s more important, to be respected or feel needed? Doug: Oh, I’d rather be needed here than respected. Andrea: Really? Can you describe the difference? Doug: Yeah, because needed is a form of respect. It’s the highest form of resect, in a sense that if I am not needed around here, fine, I’ll go. I think probably the easiest way for me to describe it is I have all this stuff within me I want to produce and I want to do, and I want to be a part of something. But if I’m not needed, I’ll either turn incredibly selfish and just take care of myself or I’ll go to work where I’m needed. Dr. Leman: Right. And here’s the rub on that, Doug. Men identify largely with what they do for a living. So it’s easy for a man to say, “Exit stage right. I’m out of here.” And not only can he put all of his emotional thoughts and efforts into work because it pays off. You get promotions, you get raises. It’s real easy to do. The other thing it’s real easy to do is fall prey to the woman at work who just simply says to you, Doug, “Wow. I love your sweater. That is a good looking sweater.” Now, you don’t know the woman. And you’re at the water cooler. And you say, “Well, thank you very much.” And you get back to your office and you’re thinking, who the heck was that woman? Wow. She was a looker. Now, I’m telling you on good authority that affairs in marriage start, start, over little things like that. And when a man’s needs are not being met, and I’m telling you loud and clear that your husband, ladies, needs to feel needed by you. And quite frankly, so many of you have already prioritized and you’ve shown him daily that the people who really matter to you are the children that we brought into this marriage. Because the children come first, and your husband is put in second, third, or fourth place. That’s one of the reasons why marriages are in such trouble today. So again, you have to understand your husband needs to be wanted and he needs to feel needed. Wanted and needed is right up there. Well, where is respect? Well, if you want to separate wanted and needed, then respect, in my opinion, falls in third place. Because respect is important. But I thought Doug Terpening said it best, that respect is part of feeling needed. Now, these thoughts come from a wonderful little book. I have to tell you, certain books are just more fun to do than others, but I had so much fun writing the book, Have a New Husband By Friday. If you haven’t read that book, I’m telling you, it’s a life changer. And the feedback we got on that book is unbelievable. Don’t take my word for it. Go to Amazon, read the reviews on Have a New Husband By Friday. It’s a counterculture book that scratches where women itch. They’re looking for significance in their relationship and they don’t know why they can’t find it. They can’t understand why their husband, Doug, will not answer the question that they just asked. Well, segue way to point two. Us men and your male children hate questions. It puts us on a defensive immediately. We’ve talked about that in another podcast and we’ll talk about it today, because it’s really important for you to understand that the words you choose, ladies, are the keys that will unlock the mind and heart of your husband. Men are very susceptible to touch. Are there men who don’t like being touched, Dr. Leman? Yes, there are. That’s a whole nother issue. Doug: Ever since you told us that, I’ve tried to tell Andrea that’s her secret weapon. That if she wants to get me to stay calm and listen to her, put your arm on my shoulder or on my knee and say, “Hey, Honey. What do you think about blah?” And you’ll keep my attention. Andrea: That’s good, but keep reminding me of that. Dr. Leman: This plays into the nature of man. A man loves to provide. Do women provide? Yes, many women make more money than men, so don’t send me a snarky email about that. A man, if you’re a man that really loves this woman, you want to be a helpmate. You want to be a team member of the marriage. You don’t want to just stand and watch. You don’t say, “Well, that’s woman’s work.” You roll up your sleeves and get it done. But my point is that us men, if you’re a real man, you want to please your wife. You want to please your wife sexually, emotionally, practically, you name it. We always talk about women being pleasers. In fact, I wrote a best selling book years ago called The Pleasers: Women Who Can’t Say No and the Men Who Control Them. Look it up. It was a national best seller. So I’m just telling you on good authority, we’re missing the boat on thinking respect is number one in a man’s mind. It’s needed and wanted, followed closely by respect. Doug: So to give a real life story about this, and then I better talk about the ebook so I don’t forget it. So Andrea and I, shocker, have a long-standing issue in our marriage that’s been here for quite a few years, 10 plus years. And just in the last couple months, actually, we were in the middle of a discussion with elevated voices maybe, and a little bit of edge to the voices. And she said, “I can’t do this without you. And I’m afraid that if you don’t do X, then I won’t be able to do…” And it really helped me. She didn’t say I need you, but she implied that. And I was like, oh. A, now I understand why we fight about it, and B, if you really need me around here, then I’ll fix it. I’ll get it done. Not like I’m going to jump in and shove you out of the way, but now it’s like, oh, okay. Now I understand and now I’m engaged. It was very interesting. It totally 100% changed this fight that we’ve had for 10 years. So real life example. Before I ask my next question, it’s fabulous, timing is wonderful. So Dr. Leman already referenced it. And if you want, you can get for ebook Have a New Husband By Friday for a mere $2.99 cents between January 14th and the end of January of 2021. So January 14th of 2021 to the end of January 31 of 2021, wherever ebooks are sold. Yes, Andrea, go for it. Andrea: So I looked up some Amazon reviews on this book, and I will read this one. This book points to the fact that we, as women, must do things different in order to get our partner to behave differently. I like this book because it shows us women that even though our actions may not be the deplorable ones in the relationship, it is still our actions that can directly control those deplorable actions. There is a lesson to be learned in this book about how we can discreetly get closer to our ideal husband and children by simply stating boundaries and following through with what we say we are going to do. Highly recommended. Doug: So get it now, between January 14th and end of January 31st of 2021, wherever ebooks are sold. And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: If I had to grade parents in the US and Canada, I’m going to throw you Canadians in as well, I think I’d give you, on a one to 10 scale with 10 being the highest, I think I’d give you a three. I really don’t think most parents do a good job of parenting. They shirk the responsibility to stand in healthy authority. They’re afraid to say no. And so many of you, you want to be your child’s best friend, you want to be their buddy. Your kid doesn’t need best friend in you. They have best friends. But the point is the parent who always wants their kid to be their buddy is the parent that always wants their kid happy. They’re going to do far too many things for kids that kids should be doing for themselves. Read Have a New Kid By Friday, read Planet Middle School, read The Birth Order Book. By the way, ladies, you want to check out Have a New Husband By Friday. I love that book. Doug: Alrighty, Dr. Leman. So in the title of this episode, we say that this is how you communicate with the men you love, but then you told us that it works with our kids also. How does this also work with our kids? Dr. Leman: Well, here’s the question. How many of you have done things or haven’t done things that allow your kids to step up, do things for you, for the family, for their brother or sister? Where’s the takeaway in your family for a kid to say, “My family needs me. My mom needs me. My dad needs me”? if you’re doing everything for your kids, they’re just riding free. They got a free lunch ticket. Everything’s taken care of for them. Where do they get the message that I am competent, that I’m a contributor? Do you see what I’m saying? And by the way, young boys, Mom, they don’t appreciate your questions. You tend to remind them to be careful a little bit too much, stuff like that, it weakens a kid’s self-esteem. So think of your sons as future husbands, if that’ll help you. They need to feel needed and wanted. My question to you is what happens in your life daily with your son or your daughter that provides them an opportunity to give back to the family? Most of us, I think, fail that test. Now, you guys up there living in a rural community, and I know for a fact your kids have been in 4H, which is a wonderful organization, they’ve had many an opportunity to be engaged and to help family and be part of family projects. I know you guys pretty good by now, and so that shouldn’t be a huge issue in your family. But the propensity on the part of the woman in the family, the mom in the family, is for her to do far too much for the children that they could be doing for themselves. Andrea: Well, just listening to you talk, Dr. Leman, I’m convicted of how I have been treating my boys lately. So this is a super good reminder for me that it’s not just about my husband, but my 21 year old and my 17 year old sons particularly. Am I telling them I need them, or am I asking them those questions and still trying to mommy them? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s your nature, Andrea, as a mom, to do the things you just fessed up to. So again, we’re fighting our own nature. Men don’t like to talk, and I’m encouraging men to talk. But I’m saying for a man to really talk and share, he needs to feel like he’s in a non-threatened position. Doug: The reason that I love doing these podcasts and why I encourage all of you to read the books is that so much of what we talk about is counterculture to what we’re currently said is the way to raise our kids. And I can’t remember when we started this, 100 years ago, you said to us, “Sit down with your kids sometime and tell them you need their help to run this house.” And I thought, oh my gosh, that’s going to freak our kids out and it’s going to make them feel bad. We did it, and I think it was a year or two ago. I’m like, “Kids, do you feel like we put too much on you?” And they were like, “No. We love knowing that you need us to run this place.” And then our kids said, “And by the way, when we’re gone, you’re totally going to fail because you won’t be able to run this place without us.” Andrea: They said to us, “You’re going to be in such trouble when we’re all gone.” Doug: Which is great. Dr. Leman: I love it. I love it. Andrea: The other night, James came home from work. And he works outdoors right now, so he’s out in the mud and the cold. And we were raking leaves, breaking them onto tarps and dragging them out into the tree to dump them off and get them out of the front yard. And it was dark and it was cold, and as he was walking in from his car, he said, “Do you need me to help you before I go inside and get showered off?” I was so appreciative that he actually saw that. And I think he wanted that sense of being a part of the family and being needed. Doug: So now when I think about husbands and wives, if my wife sat me down and said, “Hey, I need you to be able to do blah blah blah,” you’re right. You have my undivided attention. Undivided attention. Andrea: Well, I can think of a few things I could say I need you for, Honey. So when we get done with this podcast, let’s talk. Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, even as you say that, I think it’s funny that we always joke about how I’ve got another honey do list. But we often complain about the very things that we love, don’t we? Andrea: How is it different than the, quote unquote, honey do list? How could it come across differently? Because I think that’s a really good point Dr. Leman: Because when a husband takes the initiative. My wife said to me two nights ago, “Don’t forget the pizza box.” Because we had had a pizza and she put it out in the garage. I said, “Honey, I’m way ahead of you. I took it out yesterday.” Whenever you are on top of your game and you notice things that have to be done. I’ll tell you a funny story. My wife tells it better than me. But she was fed up with me not picking up after myself, and she put a banana on the floor of our family room, which you enter our kitchen through, if that makes sense. And she sat there having a cup of coffee, and she got just the right angle so we couldn’t see her, but she could see us. She reported that the kids came by and looked at the banana peel on the floor. All of them looked at it. They slowed down, looked at it, and kept walking. But she said, “But you,” meaning me, she said, “You walked by, stopped, kicked it to the side, and kept going.” So am I perfect? No. But let me share something with you. I’ve got two daughters that are in their 40s, I have a daughter that’s in her early 30s, I have a daughter that’s in her mid-20s. During this podcast, they have tried to call me three times. We are a very close family. Hey, you want a family where your kids are going to call you, where they want to engage you, where they run things by you on occasion? Where you have an honest, good, ongoing relationship that’s always based on mutual respect, love, and a lot of fun in your life? If you do, pay attention to things we talk about on this podcast. We are living proof, the Lemans are, and the Terpenings are well on their way with their four children. They’ve seen the fruits of developing a home like this. We’ve seen it throughout our whole life. Our teenage years were a breeze with our kids. We breezed through those things. I hear horror stories every day about what’s happening in families across US and Canada and around the world. So anyway, we hope you enjoyed the podcast. We want to come across to you as real parents, not perfect parents. But we hope that you’ll use these things we talk about and put them in your parental toolbox, as Doug Terpening likes to call it, and just help you become a better parent. Andrea: Dr. Leman, thank you so much for this podcast. I really appreciate just the really strong reminder that our men don’t want us to ask them questions, but they really want to feel needed and be told that they’re needed. And that that’s something us women need to remember, that telling them that they’re needed will bring their eyes home and make them want to help out, and it’s a better way to communicate. So thanks. Doug: And touch them. Andrea: And touch them. Doug: Often. Okay, I’ll stop. Alrighty. Well, we hope you enjoyed today’s podcast. We’re doing this so we can add to your parenting toolbox and you’re going to love those kiddos more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My 17-year-old ran away from home and won’t come back, because of her dad. What do I do?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– Jan 1 – 13: The Intimate Connection ebook for $1.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**       Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Welcome to the first episode of 2021,8 it is so great to be with you. And today we get a question we have never, ever, ever had, it’s like the new year off. It’s from Canada, and it’s about a 17-year-old that ran away from home and won’t come back. What can we do as parents? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that you are with us today. And if this happens to be your first time I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Dr. Leman, I don’t do this very often anymore, but do you guys have any new year’s traditions like on New Year’s Eve or the New Year’s Day? Dr. Leman: New years has always been about family at our home. And even as a high school student I remember going over to my older cousins house, I mean, he had a family so he was quite a bit older than me but he was a first cousin. And my mom and dad were over there and they were sitting around. I remember they had ham and cheese sandwiches and desserts and some other extended family was there. And I actually enjoyed, I mean, I was 16, 17 years old and I enjoyed hanging out with family back in those days. So we’ve always just sort of stayed close, never gone out to big party, never thought that was great. Never had a desire to go to New York City and watch the ball drop or something like that, so it was just sort of a quiet transition into the new year. On many occasion we went to church on New Year’s Eve as well. Doug: Awesome. Well, we have a very Andrea sweet tradition here that we make tea and cucumber… Andrea: Cucumber sandwiches. We have a tea party. Doug: We have a tea party? Andrea: Yes. Doug: And then Andrea brings out what happened in the last year and we reminisce with the kids. Andrea: Oh, well, we make a list every year. So we have the things that we hope to do as a family and then we get to pull that old list out, check off the things that we did do laugh about them and then make a new list for the coming year. Dr. Leman: Good for you, that sounds good. Wow, that’s a good suggestion. Doug: Well, now let’s jump into Carol’s question here. Here we go, here’s Carol. Carol: Hi, Dr. Leman. My name is Carol, I live in Northern Ontario, Canada. Two months ago my husband and I were shocked when we came home one day to find that our 17-year-old daughter had left home. We have two daughters, the older one’s 19 and she’s in the university and the younger daughter’s in her final semester of high school and planning on going to university this fall. We found out she went to live at a friend’s house not far from our home. The past six months have been difficult because my husband has cancer. There’s been several arguments between them so she left a note and said she needed to leave because my husband’s an angry guy and she can no longer live with his anxiety. Carol: This perception is not ours but I know you’ve said that perception is reality. The communication between us is limited to occasional emails. We miss her dearly. My husband has gotten some help for his anger issues and we’d like to repair the relationship and any advice that you can give us would be appreciated. We’ve been reading your books and listened to many of your podcasts, but we don’t feel like we have any aces in our back pocket since in Canada she is allowed to leave home at age 17 and her university will be covered by the government. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you. Dr. Leman: I want to start with the fact that you do have a couple of aces in your back pocket. Now, you don’t think you do but you do. She’s 17, she needs her dad, she needs her mom. I get it, dad’s angry, I’m glad he’s getting some help, but I just want to go to your 17-year-old for a second. When they leave home they end up living with a friend. Now, the natural progression in life when someone new comes to your home and you’ve got a 17-year-old in your home that isn’t your child that tends to run its course. Somebody is paying for feeding this kid. This kid is probably your daughter is swapping clothes with her girlfriend if they’re about the same size to have a change in this or that. Dr. Leman: You have an occasional email and maybe a occasional phone call, both of those are aces in your back pocket and you need to play them now. Yes, I understand in Canada you can’t get the authorities involved, and by the way I wouldn’t suggest that anyway. I would suggest to you that she’s going to come home. I’ll bet you one of those loonies or maybe even a toonie that she will come home if you do absolutely nothing, no emails, no phone calls, no cards, notta. Dr. Leman: That may not seem difficult to some people, let me assure you that’s probably as a tough as assignment is I could give to Carol. Because every motherly instinct in her says, “I want my daughter home. I don’t want her living apart from me. I miss her, I love her,” et cetera, all understandable. But if you can discipline yourself, Carol, to not picking up that phone, to not emailing her, what you’re beginning to put into your daughter’s mind is wonder, not a positive wonder a negative wonder of, “How come I haven’t heard from mom? I wonder what’s going on. I wonder if dad’s okay.” Dr. Leman: Let those seeds fester, let them take root for a while and see what happens. My guess is she’s going to come home, and when she comes home, the first one, the greeter is not you Carol but dad with open arms and an apology following up with, “Honey, I’ve even been getting some help. I think I’m doing better and I realized that I said things in anger that have caused you angst.” So that’s my prescription for my friend from Northern Ontario, which is a beautiful province. Dr. Leman: And by the way, Carol, I think you probably know this from reading my books. I live along the border of Ontario in the summertime and it’s such a beautiful place I’m so sorry because of COVID-19 that we haven’t been able to get into Canada and you lovely Canadians haven’t been able to migrate down to the U.S. either, so hopefully that’s going to change real quickly. All right, well, God bless you, I thank you for the question. And now we’ll go to our resident doctors and see what they have to say. Andrea: Well, you’re right when you say that’s got to be the hardest assignment you can give her because that would just eat at me. And how long do you think she’s going to have to maintain that stance or they of not communicating, reaching out to their daughter before they’re going to hear something? Dr. Leman: I don’t think it will be very long, depending upon how many times she is emailed her or talk with her. If she’s done that like on a weekly basis, let’s say, now that we’re just guessing here folks, okay? Just so you know. But let’s just say there’s an email one week or maybe a phone call the next week, that kind of limited. I would say somewhere between four and six weeks you can expect a knock on the door if for no other reason, curiosity. But again, dad is the one who greets her. If you see her coming you get dad up and he gets to greet her and say his piece. Doug: What about the dad’s anger issue? Did that really push her? Is that too much that she’s just grown cold to the family? Dr. Leman: Well, she’s the baby of the family, the older daughter’s already in university so I’m guessing that the first born is rather rural-oriented and the second born, the one she’s calling about is probably a very free-spirited person, very independent. So it doesn’t surprise me in times of turmoil that she might just take off. But again, almost all kids who take off come back, that’s what you have to understand. Someone they take off their, their life ends tragically. When you leave the comfort of your home you are putting yourself at risk. But like I say, and Andrea echoed it, that’s tough advice but if you can do that, Carol, that is the best way to get that daughter to be knocking on your door. Andrea: Now, I’m the mom and if I know whose home she’s staying at can I talk to that mom and be like, “Okay, Sandra’s her friend, I’m going to call Sandra’s mom and say, ‘Okay, how is she doing? We’re doing this, we’re not talking to her, but can you fill me in?” Dr. Leman: Yeah, I was going to give you the mother of the year award again, you’re so much a mom you can’t help it. Yeah, I would tell you this, if you knew that parent and you had a relationship with that parent where you knew it wouldn’t be violated I would bless your sneaky behind-Dr. Leman’s-eyes behavior. But… and I get it, I understand. But if she blows it and you really don’t know her and she said, “By the way your mother called,” you know what your daughter is going to do? She’s going to roll her eyes and go, “Oh.” So you just gone back. If you want to push yourself back a month that’s the way to do it. Like I said that the best thing to do is just button it up, lay low. Doug: I’m the resident dance between the three of you. You guys love to point out that fact. I know you already talked about it but this seems to go against every rational thought I would have about how to make my kid know I want them to come back. Dr. Leman: All right, give me a list. You guys think right now about what Doug’s saying. Doug’s saying, “Wait a minute, this goes against everything I would think of to try to get my daughter back.” What would be the things that you guys would do? You be the mythical couple, you don’t have to be the Terpenings, just you be Carol and her husband. What are the things that you’d like to do that you think would bring her back? Doug: I know that we would sit down and find a beautiful, pretty card with flowers on it and write a super thoughtful note about how we love her and miss her and wish she’d come back. I’d probably send her favorite food or dessert and tell her how much I miss her. Dr. Leman: Okay. Do you have another bad ideas? Andrea: What about a meal at a restaurant honey? Where we can just meet up with her and we could say, “We want to take you out to breakfast at your favorite spot or dinner or whatever and let’s just talk about what’s going on in our family and…” Doug: There you go. Okay, there’s our ideas, Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: Okay. I’m still chuckling. You guys just have so much love and compassion in your heart you can’t help it, that’s all there is to it. But no, it’s not going to help. She needs to experience the loss of her family. You poured 17 years into this kid’s lives, okay? And now she has to experience. And sometimes when you first get away, guess what? I’m free at last, I’m free at last. And then you find out that home you’re living in, guess what? Mom and dad don’t always get along. Or you find out that dad’s an alcoholic, or maybe, God forbid, he approaches you in a very unacceptable way. Dr. Leman: I mean, a lot of things that can happen when you’re in someone else’s home, you never know what’s going on in somebody else’s home, trust me, till you be there. Sometimes life just unfurls before the 17-year-old and she says, “Man, I want to get out of here, I want to go home.” So is it tough? It’s very tough. Like I said it’s the toughest assignment I could give Carol. But when she says that we’re out of aces, she’s not, she got a couple in her back pocket. Doug: So you’re saying that by us being silent and not engaging her the reality of where she’s living will become apparent that eventually the bad that’s in that family will become annoying and now she’s stuck between two worlds? Dr. Leman: It hurries up the process by not engaging her in any way. Doug: What is it going to take for her to go like, “Huh, I guess I got to…” Because I got to imagine coming back to the house is going to be tough. How does that process happen? Dr. Leman: Well, I think the 17-year-old is going to have to eat a little crow dug. She thought she knew everything at 17. How many adults have you talked to that said, “Boy, I thought I knew everything at 17? Doug: True. Dr. Leman: Well, she’s going away to the university and the university is going to pay for her schooling. Who’s going to pay for her food, her transportation? If you follow the prescription and you play your cards right, you hasten the probability of her turning around and coming home. Doug: When we come back I’m going to also bring up one of your favorite phrases and see if it applies. But Andrea is pointing, “Doug, don’t forget what you always do.” Is that the new opportunity to add to your printing toolbox is an ebook called Under the Sheets, between now and the end of December 31st of 2021 for a $1.99. Dr. Leman, that doesn’t sound much like a parenting book, what is that look about? Dr. Leman: That is a hottie book, okay? That book will say things that you will blush when you read. If you have any voyeuristic tendencies where you want to look into other people’s sex lives this is the book for you. It’s a book that I felt needed to be written. It talks turkey. God created us as sexual beings unfortunately the world has perverted sex beyond belief. And this is a good, honest, straightforward, and a more than interesting discussion about what happens in your home under the sheets. Doug: So to help you and the reason it applies to parenting is that if you lose your marriage you just made parenting a bazillion times harder and this is a real issue that lots of couples deal with. And so I appreciate you, Dr. Leman, writing a hard book to help us keep our marriage together to make parenting better. So between now and the end of January of 2021, we have our eBooks sold $1.99. And now, a no nonsense moment with Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: Your son or daughter needs her own space in your home. And I know many of you have more kids than you have bedrooms. But if there’s a way to creatively give your son or daughter their own space I vote for that. Hey, Leman, that costs money. I know, I get it. Some of you physically have to deal with that. I have talked to some people who grew up in a den of nine, 10, 11, kids. One man I know very, very well slept with his two brothers in a queen-size bed, three of them and there were nine kids in the family. So I realized those things are there. And by the way that young man I was talking about is very, very successful in life. Many of us who are successful didn’t have much in terms of material. But my point about their own room is, kids need a place to identify, “This is my space, this is my home.” Any way you can work that out, make it happen because it’s good for your son, good for your daughter. Doug: Dr. Leman, this makes me think of the phrase, and I butcher all your phrases so I apologize, but I’ve already admitted I’m the dense. Andrea is laughing at it already. Without a relationship we have… Andrea: Nothing. Doug: So what does that mean here? For this couple here, without a relationship with their daughter they have nothing. Dr. Leman: Well, life’s all about relationships. I stole Josh McDonald saying, “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.” Everything’s based upon relationship. In the sports world they call it team chemistry. I’m always talking to our teachers at Leman Academy of Excellence to use the cell phone to call home of the scholar. And it’s a 90-second phone call, but it just says, “Little Michael’s new to our school. This year I see he’s really done well in the classroom. I see him on the playground, he seems to be in the middle of about everything. From my end he’s really doing great. Here’s my cell phone. If there’s anything that comes up you want to talk to me about I’m all ears.” Dr. Leman: Well, you be the parent. How do you feel when you get that kind of a call from school? You’ll say, “Wow, that Leman school is something. They really give a rip about our kid.” It starts building a relationship. Parents, your kids are not pawns, they’re not property, you don’t own them and you have to have a relationship with each of them. And you will have a relationship with each of them, you will. The question is, is it a healthy, good relationship or is it a destructive relationship or somewhere in between? Doug: And the reason I bring it up is I think for Carol and other parents out there that have guilt over their kids that have severed their relationship or whatever, that without a relationship we treat them so poorly that it really helps me to think like if we don’t have a relationship, I’m not put on this earth to serve you. That actually, if you don’t have a relationship with me I can make it and therefore my actions correspond with that. So Carol, we ache for you, we ache for every parent that ever has anybody that runs away. We thank you, Carol, for having the guts to ask the question, you sound like an amazing mom. It sounds like you guys are trying to do all the right things. I hope this really helps you so that your daughter will come back and that you guys can repair that relationship and just have a sweet, sweet, sweet situation. Andrea: Yeah. And I hope that if there’s other people out there that are walking through the same thing that this is helpful to them because Dr. Leman said things I didn’t expect. Doug: Again? Andrea: Yeah. Well, thank you for being with us so you can add your parenting toolbox and as always we love these questions. You can go to drleman.com/podcastquestions and you can leave your question right there and we’d love to answer. We look forward to the next time, tend that toolbox so you can love those kids more and more. Doug: Bye-bye, have a good week. Andrea: Have a great one, bye.

Is it healthy for a child to be unhappy especially when it comes to discipline? Find out more on today’s episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   **Special Offer– Dec 1 – 31: The Intimate Connection ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: An unhappy child is a healthy child. No, no, don’t run away. Don’t run away. Please stay. Stay, stay, stay. I’ll say it again. An unhappy child is a healthy child is the phrase that turned my parenting around and you need to hear why. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are so glad that we are here and I am so excited for you to be blessed and grow in your parenting. If this happens to be your first time, welcome. I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, I have to say that this was a little bit selfish on my part. This is the last recording of 2020 and I got all nostalgic and all that la la la kind of stuff at the end of the year. And I was just reminiscing back when I heard you talk for the first time in Dallas, Texas at the conference and you got up and said, “An unhappy child is a healthy child.” And I thought, what? And then you just made me laugh the rest of the time as I realized that what you said was right. And I bought the book and changed our parenting and we love our kids now and have a ball with them. This is, thank you, thank you, thank you for writing the books. Thank you for speaking. I know I’m not supposed to do this on air, but I’m going to do it anyways because we have an amazing time with our kids. For everybody else that’s listening that wasn’t at that conference to hear you speak, help us. What does it mean when we say, “An unhappy child is a healthy child?” And why is that good for us as a parent? Dr. Leman: Well, first of all, in our culture today, we are driven toward making sure our kids are happy at every turn. We give them far too many things in most of our homes. Now again, I’m very aware in many homes, parents don’t have much to give to their children, certainly materialistically, but I’m talking about giving kids love and acceptance and a sense of belonging and a sense of competence. Those are really important things that kids learn about themselves. When you realize that there’s times in life where a kid is disrespectful, dishonest, bratty, you name it, there is nothing wrong with them being unhappy at that point. They should be unhappy. They deserve to be unhappy. They deserve not to go to where they thought they were going. They deserve not to get the $5 for doing the job that she or he did not do. They can be downright miserable. They can be really unhappy. What they don’t have the right to do is be downright miserable and unhappy in front of you because certain kids, especially powerful kids will make the entire family unhappy because they’re unhappy. I’m saying there’s something very healthy about an unhappy child. The good parent, really just a function of their job is to make sure that their son or daughter is very unhappy at times because the disapproval of the parent is really important to help shape the will and spirit of a child. We’re not a ATM machine where they just come punch it up and we give them things. But we are in authority over our children. And authority is a very bad word in our society today. We live in a time now where we want to just dump the police. We have little respect for authority. We have little respect for people’s property. Take a look around. 2020 has not been the greatest year for a lot of different reasons. Life isn’t perfect. You get thrown curve balls from time to time. But our job is to train up a child. And by the way, most of us don’t train up children. We train down children. We just nitpick at them. Put them down. We’re not talking about that kind of unhappiness. We’re talking about unhappiness that’s a direct result of their behavior, of their words. When they’re unhappy and they’re wailing like a stuck pig, just tell yourself you’re being a good parent and keep moving forward. Andrea: I like that. At the end they’re unhappy because of a result of something that they’ve done. I think that’s a good way of summarizing it. Doug: The reason this phrase is so powerful though, is what you started off with, which is that we want our kids to be happy, happy, happy. Where does that come from, this overarching culture that our kids always have to be happy? Dr. Leman: Well, I think it starts when that baby’s placed in mommy’s arms at birth or maybe you’ve adopted your child. And the first time that you laid eyes on them and you fall in love with that little guy or little girl. They’re yours. It’s the enormous responsibility and they’re downright pretty helpless. They can’t feed themselves. They can’t walk. They can’t do a lot of things and so the nurturing process takes over of mothering and fathering and to the extent of, I don’t care if you are 14, stand still, I’m going to tie your shoes. We have parents just over indulge their children. And I’ve mentioned several times on our podcast because it’s so ridiculous, those stars in Hollywood who paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to get their college age students in the right college. Really? Are you really that stupid parent? I don’t care how much money you got. You’re just flat out dumb. That’s somehow supposed to help their child. Parents’ perceptions of what is a good parent today are myopic. They’re crazy. They’re way out of line. And you got parents who want to be their child’s best friend from morning till night. Well, I got news for you parents, your kid will develop their own friendships with kids their own age. You want to be a good friend to your child, then discipline them with love. That’d be a good first step. Keep in mind parents, your kids are going to live up to the expectations that you give to your children. Well, what are your expectations? Are they way too high? There are some parents that have way too high expectations for kids. There are parents who have no expectations for kids. They just sort of grow up on their own. There’s parents who are wise, who know the right time to say, “Hey, have a seat. You and I need to have a little talk.” And in that talk, you share your, what? Your love for your child, but you show your uneasiness or your concern about things you see in your child’s life. And like Andrea said last time, when you reprimand a kid and you set them straight, usually kids will come around. Great kids will come around and say, “Mom, I’m sorry. Thanks for what you did. I love you.” Because kids do not like it when you’re unhappy with their behavior. Not to split hairs too far, but you always love your children, but you don’t have to love what they do. You don’t have to love their running off at the mouth or their greedy behavior or their disrespectful behavior. When you call them on it the kids usually again, will come around and say one form or another, “Thanks.” Doug: Now that we’ve got bigger kids that are out on their own and cutting their own path, what has become incredibly apparent is that if there is one thing that I could go back and change in my parenting, well, there’s always hope for things is that I wanted my children to avoid pain as much as possible and I didn’t even realize I was doing it. But what I realized is once my kids leave my house, if I haven’t put into them the ability to deal with hard things and be unhappy, they’re going to crumble when they’re out there because the world is not going to treat them like I treat them. And I’m so glad that we’ve started to help our kids understand, you got to develop a, oh, what’s the muscle? Andrea: Psychological muscles. I love that phrase. Doug: What is a psychological muscle? Because it’s one of our favorite phrases. Dr. Leman: Well, I invented that term and it seems to me, like you said that life isn’t always the way you want it to be. You’re going to get cut from the basketball team. You’re not get that part that you just know you earned in the play at high school. I’m now thinking of older kids and the disappointments are going to come. The downsizing in your kid’s company and they’re just starting off and they just got their bachelor’s degree at the local university, they got their first job and they’re there six months into it and COVID-19 arrives and they get laid off. The psychological muscles, I think is built over time by learning to handle the small disappointments of life one disappointment at a time. And as that child succeeds in dealing with it and realizing it’s not the end of the world, it’s not failure, it just means we’re going to change course and go in a different direction, that they build psychological muscle for bigger hurts, bigger curve balls that surely await all of us in life. To me, it’s just part of growing up, taking your lumps, learning that you’re not always going to win. And again, we have parents who are just driven to make sure their kids win even if it means they do something illegal or way out of line to help their children succeed. Doug: Well and this is why I do this podcast quite frankly, is that the culture out there is telling us not to do this with our children and in my opinion, and these resources that we keep telling you about, I hope you realize, oh, I don’t have to be a tyrant. As you say, Dr. Lehman, you don’t want to go to either extreme. And these books give you the format to do that, but it is super hard to buck our culture. It is so difficult, which is why I’m going to jump in right now and say, there’s one of the best books, the book that started this all, Have a New Kid by Friday for $2 and 99 cents. You only have a few days after this is released to get it. I realized that between now and the end of December of 2020, wherever eBooks are sold. But even if the ebook is over with, we should go get this book. It is so easy and quick to read. This is like, sit down with a cup of coffee twice and you have read it kind of a thing. Andrea: And it’s fun. Doug: Laughter, joking. If you go to Amazon and read the reviews, you’ll be like, wow, the New York Times bestseller. Go get it. If you are not a reader or if your husband is not a reader, go to drleman.com and you can get the DVD series for 25 bucks. Watch it with him, get popcorn and ice cream for him, laugh with Dr. Lehman as he’s in his sweaters and do it. And you will be so thankful that you and him can be on the same page and you and him going to have common language or you and her going to have common language. Either way. Go get the book and you’ll be blessed. And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know parents, you ever get to that point where you’re in a conversation with your son or your daughter and you really don’t know what to say. You’re just sort of angry and disturbed and frustrated and you just don’t know which way to turn. Let me give you a pocket answer so you can say something. Just a simple, wow. Hey, tell me more about that. Well then I’m going to get more of that from my son. Yeah, you will. But it’s much better to say, “Tell me more about that,” maybe a couple times so you really get a clear understanding of where your son or daughter is coming from. And then, a simple, “Honey, you’ve given me a lot to think about. Hey, would you mind if we continue this discussion tomorrow? I think I’d really like time to take this all in and sort of figure it out because I really want to know what your perspective is because you know what? You’re important to me and I love you.” Andrea: Dr. Leman, I love what you commented on earlier when you said we want to shoot for our kids to have love, acceptance, belonging, competence, that those are things that we want to build into our kids. How does that go along with this idea of unhappy kids? Dr. Leman: Every parent ought to accept their kid for who they are. Number one, is different from number two. You have kids from 21 to 15 if I’m thinking right. Each of them have unique qualities that make them who they are. Accepting your kids in a kid’s mind is my mom and dad have my back. They encourage me. They like me the way I am. Your kids not only feel accepted, but your kids feel that they belong to the Terpening family. We heard Doug say, “Our kids as old as they are, they like us. They like hanging out with us old people.” And then the C part is really important. You want every kid to feel competent. Well, how does a kid learn to feel competent? It means they try new things in life as they grow older and they get good at some things and they tend to follow whatever they’re good at. They’ll build on that. That being said, what happens when you poured this stuff into a kid and all of a sudden the 15 year old is running off in her mouth? Or the 17 all of a sudden is downright defiant and disrespectful? What do you do? Do you say, “Well, boys are boys. Kids are kids,” and walk away? No, you go after it, you straighten it out. You say, “Hey, I’m very unhappy what’s going down here.” In the classroom I have seven charter schools. In the classroom I’m always telling our teachers, it’s called relational discipline. Let that scholar know that you’re unhappy with what just went down there in that classroom. Give them the look. Kids don’t like it. Young kids, older kids, they actually want to please adults. And so keep in mind parent that these kids really want to please you. And so once in a while, you just got to sort of rein them in a little bit and whether it’s the look or sage words of advice or wisdom or flat out discipline or sometimes pulling the rug out from underneath them to get their attention, you maintain your position of being an authority over your children and they will rise up and call you blessed some day. It’s not such a secret formula. That ABC is powerful stuff. It’s the building block of a good kid, acceptance, belonging and competence. But when they go awry, you need to step in and exert your God given authority you have over your children. Doug: Yeah. And one thing I want to clarify, which we’ve sort of hinted at, but I want to say it super clear is we’re not saying that you want your kid to be unhappy all the time. Dr. Leman: They’re unhappy as soon as they learn you’re unhappy quite frankly. If you’ve got a good kid going in the right direction and all of a sudden they misspeak in anger and say something to you, do you think they really feel good about what they just said? No. As they’re held accountable for what they said, they’re already apologetic. You’re just helping straighten it out. You’re not letting it go too far, because if you do, they will learn that you’re not the standard bearer that they thought you were, that you vacillate, that you’re weak, that they can work you. And in my latest book, Why Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It, I think I make the statement that most kids play their parents like a violin. And I think most kids are capable of doing that. When you exert your authority, you just sort of put a very natural stop sign in front of them and give them some alternative paths that they can take. Doug: And for all those young parents that are out there, Andrea would definitely come to me and say, “These kids are just crazy.” And I would look at my watch and I’d be like, “Oh it’s the annual every two to three months we want to see who’s in charge around here.” And they just wanted to see if they’re the new ones that get to call the shots or if you’re going to keep doing it, Andrea. And then Andrea would take care of it and it’d be gone. For all of you brand new parents out that you’re like, oh man, but I was supposed to be my kid’s friend and all these sorts of things. I’m telling you, it works unbelievably, but you need a foundation against what you have right now. Andrea: As you really do get to be their friend, you really do get to have a ton of fun with them. But for me, this phrase helps because it just helps me remember my job isn’t to make sure they’re happy. My job is to make sure that they’re getting all these ABCs and they’re learning how to build psychological muscles. And then in the end, we can have a ton of fun together and we’re not fighting those battles. Doug: Well and just to give you a real life example, our 21 year old was doing something around here that we were, it wasn’t a big deal, but it was finally time, Andrea, and I said, “We got to stop this.” Told him, “Son, you got to stop this.” And last night he came in, he said, “Dad, I really just miss hanging out with you. Can we go out and have breakfast someday?” I’m just telling you, this stuff it just, they know it. You’re just telling them what they need to know already and you’re going to bless these kids when they’re adults. Go get, Have a New Kid by Friday, wherever ebooks are sold. You only got a couple days after this is launched to get it or just get it and read it on your own. And it’s great to be with you. Add to that parenting toolbox so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: And Happy New Year’s everyone. Doug: Yes. If you’re getting this one at the launch. Take care, have a great day. Andrea: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My hyper 4-year-old runs around the house every single night.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on today’s episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.     **Special Offer– Dec 1 – 31: The Intimate Connection ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Go to bed and stay there. Ah, what are you doing out of your bed again? I said, “Go back the bed and stay there.” What, she’s up again? Does this sound familiar? Do you ever struggle with trying to keep that three-year-old or four-year-old in bed? Well, that’s the question that [Tabor] asked that we get to ask Dr. Leman for her and hear what he has to say about [inaudible 00:00:28]. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are really, really, really, really, really glad that you are with us today. And if this happens to be your first time, I’d like to know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or a child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, if you ever want to leave a question, you can go to birthorderguy.com/podcastquestion and leave a question right there. Well, let’s jump in and hear what Tabor has to say. Tabor: Hi, Dr. Leman. This is Tabor. I have a four-year-old daughter and a three-month-old son. And for about a year, we have struggled with bedtime with her. When she’s asleep, she stays asleep all night. But her night time routine is not something that we anticipate with any kind of excitement. We eat dinner at the table every night, and I’m a stay-at-home mom so I’m normally with her all day, except for the day she goes to preschool. Her dad usually does bedtime with her, where he helps her brush her teeth and go potty, put on jammies. He reads a book and then he leaves the room with the door cracked. Well, we have [inaudible] the lock on her door and have for years, I might add. She knows it’s there, we know sometimes she may not go right to sleep when we leave her room, so we do allow her to have a book in bed that she’s allowed to read just until she falls asleep. The problem is that when we leave the room, she gets out of bed and runs into living room and seems very hyper. And this happens just about every night. And without a word, we walk back to her bedroom as she runs in front of us to beat us to her bedroom. We shut the door and we lock it. And every night she stays in her room, screaming and crying until she falls asleep. This is very disheartening as a parent. And I’m just asking, what are they doing wrong? Please help us. We love your podcasts and all the books that we’ve read. And thanks so much. Dr. Leman: Well, thank you for that, Tapor. That’s a great question. And how you guys find time to even listen to our podcast at this busy time of the year is beyond me, but we’re glad you do. Having a four-year-old underfoot all day long, as you know, is a huge, huge job. And that little three-month-old might be part of this, she’s probably doing a little bit more than her attempt to get attention from you, but a couple things. It started a year ago. So my guess is that when she first did this, it was really cute and really funny. I can just see her running around in her little jammies, running around the house like a low-flying plane. And you probably chuckled and laughed. It was probably cuter than cute, but again, after a year of it, you’re ready to rent her or UPS or to another state. So here’s what I’m going to suggest to you. We know she does her dog and pony show, but what would happen if when you tucked her in at night, you put a little latch on the outside of the door, that when she went to open the door to do her nightly dog and pony shows, she found she was locked in. Now I can tell you what she will do. She will scream. She will yell. She will pound on the door. She will kick the door. But here’s the secret. If you do nothing, don’t breathe a word, don’t tell her to get back in bed. Don’t tell her to stop kicking the door, anything, she will fall asleep in all probability on the floor with her blankie or her little bunny rabbit or whatever she sleeps with. Now, if you want to just treat the behavior, that’s how you do it. And by the way, I recently wrote a book, my newest book is Why Kids Misbehave – and What To Do About It. And you have a very active child. We won’t get into labeling her any more than that at this point. She sounds like she’s an attention-getter, but also a powerful little sucker. So you want to nip it in the bud behaviorly, that’s probably the best way to do it. Andrea: Dr. Lehman, in her question, she said that she has the lock on the door and they have been locking the door every night. So what would be the next step for her? Doug: But they do it after she runs around the house. Andrea: Oh. Doug: They put her in bed, she runs around the house and then- Andrea: And then they lock the door. Doug: And then they do the Leman. Dr. Leman: Yeah, yeah. They know that show is coming, so why not just nip it before it gets going? Doug: So Dr. Leman, you left us hanging there. That’ll stop the behavior, but you were saying that there might be something deeper here that we could address. Is there? Dr. Leman: Well, yeah. And I don’t want to … I know you use the term deeper, it sounds like some psychological sign that something is really amiss. What I said was, she is a attention getter, but she’s showing signs of being a very powerful little kid. And so many times when you shut off power in one area … Let’s go back to whack-a-mole parenting, the powerful behavior will show up in another way. So just be aware of that. Again, you’d be a great candidate to read that new book, but there’s also a book out there called Parenting Your Powerful Child, which, if you want to get ahead of the game, Tabor, read that little puppy, it’s a good book. Read the ratings on Amazon, see what people say about it. People love the book. So there’s good material there, we’re glad you listen to the podcast. Doug: So Dr. Leman, I just thought of something. There is new people daily coming to the podcast and this … I just brushed right over it, because we’ve covered this topic because it’s a real one that lots and lots of parents have. So I should go back one step and ask this question. It sounds incredibly harsh to have a lock on the outside of the door that you’re just going to let the kid sit there and cry. That sounds so inhumane, A, and B, I’m not going to treat my kid this way for weeks on end. Help me answer those two fears of mine, if I were to do this. Dr. Leman: Okay, if you don’t want to do that, just sit back and enjoy the dog and pony show every night and hope it’ll go away. But then come back to us two years from now and tell us how horrendous it’s grown into. So, if you have a puppy, you train the puppy. If you happen to believer in Jesus Christ and you believe his Word, it says train up a child. Training is very demanding. It means you’re consistent, you have expectations. You put things in guidelines that help train the puppy. You put guidelines in that help train the child. Now, if you don’t like the puppy child analogy, I can’t help that. It’s a good one, trust me. You don’t start training a puppy at a year old. If you do, you’re going to have a lousy dog on your hands. So you start early. So it’s just a matter of showing the child that once they go into that bedroom … See, I’ve always said, you can’t make a child go to sleep, but I can make them stay in their bedroom. That’s easy. And sleep, kids are going to sleep, they’re going to go potty and they’re going to eat. In most battlegrounds, in most homes across the US and Canada, center around those three things, sleeping, eating, and potty training. Doug: So I’m going to ask the obvious question next that we get a lot of times, but won’t this damage my long-term relation with my child? Won’t she view me now as just this cold impersonal individual, and when she grows up, she just going to see me as this uuh. Andrea: What about attachment? Dr. Leman: She’s with this child 24 seven. She’s with her all day long. They take walks, they pick flowers, they read stories. They cuddle time. She’s just saying, “Hey, I got a problem and this is my problem. At the end of the day, when I’m done, we go to put little sweetheart in her bed and she starts her dog and pony show. What do I do?” This is what you do. You lock that door. And you’re helping her long-term. She’s going to understand authority. She’s going to understand there are certain rules in life. You’re going to have the time that you need with your hubby without four-year-old of bouncing off the walls around you. So, I meet parents like that all the time and I try not to be disrespectful or coming across arrogant, but this isn’t my first rodeo. And I’ve helped so many parents and they come back and they always say, “Thank you, Dr. Leman.” I mean, read the reviews. I’ve got A New Kid on my hand. I mean, we got a book called Have a New Kid by Friday, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. All those books are action-oriented. And you can talk yourself blue in the face, but until a little Buford understand that you mean business, that behavior is going to continue. You’re the audience, it’s a show for you. Doug: But, Dr. Leman, it’s a real issue. We are all afraid that somehow we’re going to damage the psyche of our child by somehow doing hard things like this. Dr. Leman: Okay. You got me going now, Doug. Okay. Let me talk to everybody about oppositional defiant disorder. This is something that the shrinks and the insurance companies have come up with to make sure that they get paid for going to their office to seek help for your misbehaving son or daughter. This oppositional defiant disorder, in my biased opinion, is just evidence that you have been working way overtime trying to make this child happy at every turn. You’ve given them far too much, you’ve been too lenient with them. You haven’t been instructive. You haven’t had the kind of relationship you need with your son or your daughter. You haven’t assumed the authority that All Mighty God gave you. Not authoritarianism now, authority. So again, keep in mind, God, didn’t put you on this earth to be walked over by your four-year-old. So yeah, there’s all kinds of things that make us feel guilty as parents. “Oh my goodness, Doctor. What is that my son has?” “Yes, he has oppositional defiant disorder.” “Oh my goodness. Oh, what am I going to do? How am I going to tell my husband?” You go home and tell your husband, he’s an electrical engineer. “Oh honey, I got the bad news. Our daughter has oppositional defiant disorder.” And as only your engineer husband could say, he says, “What does that mean?” “Well, I’m not sure, but it doesn’t sound good.” I’m just telling you, it gets down to, “Hey parent, you got to be on the same page.” You got to discipline your children with love. You got to give them lots of encouragement, lots of hugs, lots of kisses. Yes, you read until you’re blue in the face. That’s what parenting is all about. You hold their head and their arm and their back and their bottom when they’re feeling poorly and they have a temperature, and you do all those things and you worry like a parent worries when their child’s sick. It’s part of being a parent. But don’t get sucked into the latest nomenclature to describe your son or daughter’s illness, because it’s not an illness number one, it’s behavior that you quite frankly have taught your child to learn. Now, I can’t say it any clearer than that, Doug and Andrea. Doug: Well, and I think the huge thing that we can support with this and lots of people, the reviews, and everybody else is like, this you only have to do once or twice. And the quicker you stop this behavior … Like you said, they probably let it go for a year and then stopped it. But the biggie is, we have remarkable relationships now with our children and they’re 21 and 19, 17 and 15. And our teenage years were the best years ever. And Andrea and I both get hugs from all our kids and they want to be with us. So it’s like, this doesn’t destroy your children, it actually sets them free. But you do need the resources. The culture out there is so much different than what’s going to help you succeed with your kids. So there’s a great segue, wasn’t planned, to say, you can get a phenomenal book, Have a New Kid by Friday for $2 and 99 cents between now and the end of December of 2020. If you have not read any of Dr. Lehman’s books, go buy this one. This one is a great one to be a starter. It is super enjoyable, super practical. It covers a bazillion topics in there while giving you the confidence to be like, “Wow, I’m really going to be different than the rest of the world, aren’t I?” And it pays off. So you agree, Andrea, that our kids love us? Andrea: Absolutely, yep. Doug: And we thank you, Dr. Leman, for it. So go get the book, it will change your life. If you’re like, “I’m not really a reader.” And you’re like, “Ah, I sort of like books, sort of like books,” you can get this in a DVD series. Go to drlehman.com and you can order it for … Is it 20 or 25 bucks, I can’t remember? Dr. Leman: It’s $25. Doug: Highly, highly, highly recommended. If this is your problem, like Tabor’s, it will bless your socks off. So go get the eBook. Go to drleman.com for the DVD series. And now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: One of the most powerful lessons in life one learns is to simply listen. As parents, many times we do way too much talking. We tell our sons and daughters way too many things to do where their alarm clocks remind them. It’s so good just to develop the skill. And that is when your son or daughter starts speaking, tell yourself, “No questions. I’m going to just listen.” Some of the things they say might even be upsetting to you. Some of the things they say you might really disagree with. Am I saying, “Just lie there?” Yeah, a little bit, because you have to listen. That means you don’t engage your mouth. “Well, what do I say after he says these things that I really don’t believe, or I think are good or healthy or whatever?” You say something like, “Wow, that’s a unique perspective. I don’t know if you’d be willing to take this on, but when dad gets home tonight, I’d love to have this discussion with him because I think he should hear it. I think it’s important we understand how each other feel. Hey, you have a great day. I’ll see you at dinner.” That’s listening. Doug: Alrighty, Dr. Leman. So I want a pay off. If I’m going to buck culture and I’m going to do the hard things and I’m actually going to be in authority as a parent, what is the outcome I’m going to end up with with my kids? If I become the one that is the authority in the family as a parent. Dr. Leman: Well, I think the blessing you’re giving your kids is they’re going to feel good about themselves. I mean, think about that. Isn’t that what you want? You want your kids to feel good about themselves. They’re going to learn they’re not the center of the universe. They’re going to learn. They don’t always get their own way. They’re going to learn in your home there are rules. There are things you have to do. They’re going to learn cooperation. They’re going to learn respect for adults. I mean, by the way, Tabor, I got to tell you, you sound like a great mom. That’s not easy being a stay-at-home mom with a four-year-old, hey. They can wear on you. So God bless you as you do things differently. And we’re glad you’re listening to podcasts and reading those books. And as Doug likes to say, “We’re putting tools in your toolbox every day.” So you hang in there, you’ll get through this fine. Doug: So the last question here, Andrea, you’re the mom. When you think about the times that you’ve had to put yourself into authority with your children, what is your children’s responses a week later to you? Are a cold to you? Are they distant to you? Andrea: Well, I don’t think you have to wait a week. I think usually it’s overnight if it was really a hard thing. But they come back to me on a regular routine and they’re like, “Thanks for making me do that,” or, “Thanks for this.” Or just, “Thanks for being my mom.” They do appreciate it. So it’s hard sometimes to hold that line, but they come back and show their appreciation later. So yeah, it does pay off like Dr. Leman said. And I keep thinking the phrase and I think Doug said it earlier, an unhappy child is a healthy child. And Dr. Leman, that’s kind of, I feel that’s the thing I remember from Have a New Kid by Friday book, thinking, “It’s not about me making the kid happy, it’s about me having that relationship and …” Doug: Well, that’s a great segue, because that’s what we’re going to be talking about on next week’s podcast. Andrea: Great. Doug: What does that phrase mean? But I just want to [inaudible 00:18:43]. You said, Andrea, it is shocking when we have had to do hard things with our kids at any age, how quickly they come back and apologize or say thanks. Or [inaudible 00:18:53], “Thanks, you’re right. I was out of line.” So, for all you parents out there, this might sound like crazy advice in today’s culture, but it works. Go get the resources so you can have the confidence. Go get Have a New Kid by Friday for $2 and 99 cents between now and the end December of 2020. Or Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours is a phenomenal book, if you have a powerful child or parenting your powerful child, if you think, “I just can’t read that book.” It will help you so much. It’s Christmas time that this has been released, this would be a great book to grab while you have a couple of days off, read through it, gain the confidence that you want. Well, it was great to be with you. We look forward to the next time we get to add to your parenting toolbox so you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: And thanks, Tabor, for your question. Doug: Great question. Andrea: You’re doing great. Doug: Doing great. Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye.

Do you find yourself resorting to coaxing methods or threats of punishment when parenting your kids? Listen in to Dr. Leman’s no-nonsense advice on this episode of the Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.     **Special Offer– Dec 1 – 31: The Intimate Connection ebook for $2.99 at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you get your ebooks**       Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Hey John, I need you to take the trash out. Listen, if you go take the trash out, I’ll give you a Twix bar when you come back. Sally, you are the worst child in the history of all children. Get those dishes done now. How do we instill good habits without cajoling, bribing or going crazy on our kids? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today. Hi, I’m Dr. [Banine 00:00:37]. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: It is fabulous to be with you today. If this is your first time with us, we want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well Dr. Leman, the question to you today is as parents we want to instill those good habits in our children. How do I get good habits into my children? Dr. Leman: Well, you just haven’t learned, you don’t have the information you need to be a good parent and that’s one of the reasons why we do these podcasts. We think giving parents information about how to handle everyday challenges that every parent faces, is really doing you and your family a great service. It should become as natural as it can possibly be, to teach a child how to be respectful of adults and other people, and how to be a helper and give back to the family, but quite frankly, parents usurp all the power. They don’t give anything to the children, they don’t give kids responsibility. I mean, the old adage is if you want a responsible child you what, you give them responsibility and from an early age. I mean, a three-year-old can help unload a dishwasher, can run and get the salt and pepper for mom or dad, can do all kinds of things. You want kids to be able to be a part of the family. Every piece of research says that if people feel they’re a part of something they’re going to participate, they’re going to support it. Think of adults in churches. Do people support a church they don’t feel a part of? No. Do you hang out with people you feel uncomfortable around? No. So that’s why I say, it should be as natural a phenomenon is a good possibly be, to teach kids in a loving way that they’re a part of this family. And you do so by allowing kids to help, not by always saying, “Oh honey, no, that’s too heavy for you. Oh, no, no, you’ll spill that. I mean, parents over hover. You’re raising kids. Okay, they’re kids I get it, but the goal is to, by age 18 when they leave your little nest, you’ve raised a pretty good adult or a young adult that’s going to be a contributor to this world. Well, what’s the difference? How come some parents today have kids who’ve had private education, gone to college, and now they’re back living at home doing nothing. How does that happen? It was all done in the name of love, by the way. I love my child so much I’m going to do this and that for them. But so many very healthy adults would tell you, “I had to work for things in my family. I had a job at 14 or 15. I contributed, I gave back to the family. I knew that my parents weren’t wealthy. I knew I had to do my fair share.” So those parents who start off in a very natural, loving, and yet a position of authority over their children and their family, are ones who most naturally will grow a child to be a contributor and not somebody who’s going to end up being a taker. Now those are general terms, but the more it can happen naturally the better and that’s why I say people don’t have information. You need a license for about everything in life, but there’s no license for parenting, and that’s why people like me have written parenthood books. Why do they continue to be published? Why do they continue to sell? Let me tell you why, because people buy them and they need them. They know that this is not a piece of cake raising this kid and the Leman library on raising kids is pretty good. The books are practical, so that’s why we do what we do. Doug: So I want to instill good habits with my kids. So I’m thinking there’s two kinds of tracks and maybe I’m thinking of it incorrectly. So there’s the whole help around the house chores and then there’s life habits, not being late. Let’s choose not being late to think, how do I help my kid develop a good habit of not being late or can I? Dr. Leman: Okay. Who’s responsible for getting the child to school on time? Doug: Mom and dad. Dr. Leman: Okay, that’s a false assumption. Here’s what you’ve got to remember. You really have to teach the child. Okay. A kid doesn’t wake up at age three and say, “I’m responsible for getting myself to preschool like Dr. Leman said.” No, I’m not saying that. But what you have to do as a parent is you have to look at your child. Is your child one of those kids that jumps out of bed in the morning with a smile on their face? “Hi mommy, I love you.” They jump to the table. If you put the dog food in front of them, they’d dig in and be thankful for it. Or do you have a child that’s a manatee in the morning, a slug? They move very slowly. Okay. And the question is, how do you teach kids to be on time? Well, first of all you’ve got to look at the wood you’ve got. Do you got a nice piece of cherry wood there or do you got a piece of pine that’s got all kinds of knots in it, flawed to the core? Well, for that little guy who wakes up slowly and he is the manatee of the family, what time are you going to get that four year old up in the morning? Are you going to put them on a short schedule like you and assume he’s going to be able to rock and roll and get with it? Or are you going to do some planning and say, “This one needs an extra half hour or we don’t have a shot of getting him in that car on time.” So again, I think parent, yeah, you’re an authority. You’ve got to figure out what you got. It’s like a football coach or a basketball coach. He looks at his talent and then he figures out, how do I get the best out of this talent? What offense is going to work best? What defense is going to work best? And so you summarize your feelings about your family. Okay. Okay, I think this is how we go and you make that decision and you start working toward the value of being on time. For example, if I had a four-year-old who balked at getting ready and getting him to preschool on time, I would solicit the help of the four-year-old preschool teacher. I’d have the four-year-old preschool teacher look them in the eye and say, “Hey, you need to be here on time. I don’t want you here late again.” You give them the look. Kids respond many times better to people outside of the family than they do their own parents, but I’d play this game of life, smart with the kids. Be goal directed, have goals for your kids, that’s fine. But sooner or later, you’re going to figure out the goals that are really important are the goals that the kid has incorporated into his or her own life, to figure out how do I navigate school and friendships and sports and relationships and all that. So it’s a fine art to know when to step in, when to back off, which you always want to grant responsibility to a kid if you want a responsible child, I know that. Andrea: Well, what I hear you saying here is if I’m going to teach my kid to be fill in the blank on time, then actually it starts with me being the example of doing that. Dr. Leman: It does. Andrea: You are describing me being responsible to get the kid out of the house on time so that they learn. Dr. Leman: Yeah, you got one kid, Andrea, that’s no problem at all. I mean, they’re ready. They’re the ones standing at the door saying, “Come on, we’re going to be late.” But you got this other one that’s a laggard and you have to build that in. I mean, it might be part of their personality. Doug: Well this brings me to the ebook special, which is one of the best books I’ve ever read is Have A New Kid By Friday. That’s why it’s called Have A New Kid for $2.99 between now and the end of December of 2020. And I don’t have the Amazon reviews, which I highly recommend go to Amazon and read all those reviews, but I’ll give you Doug [Terbiding’s] review. I was at a conference in Dallas, Texas. This crazy guy got up and started talking about parenting and said some crazy things, and I went and bought this book and read it on the plane back. It’s super easy to read, super funny. And I came home to Andrea and said, “Andrea, we’ve got to start changing what we’re doing. You got to read this book. We’re too far over here on the authoritarian side. I got to change. The whole back half is just about actionable ways that you can deal with things like lying and and all these other things. It’s phenomenal. Andrea: I just got to know, did that crazy guy speaking have on a Hawaiian print shirt? Doug: Yeah, he was. He was. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Hey folks, let me tell you something about the [Terbidings 00:10:09]. These guys are lovely people to begin with, okay? They are as normal as a couple can be. Guess what? They fight with each other sometimes. Isn’t that wonderful, refreshing to know that Terbidings who we love on our podcast, they fight, they make fools of themselves sometimes. And what they’ve discovered in marriages, you know what, when you make a fool yourself you got to say, “Hey, I’m sorry.” So when you hear from Doug and Andrea, I want you to understand these are couples like you. They happen to love God, which is really important in their lives, and they love their kids and they do the best they can and they make mistakes just like Kevin and Sandy Leman made when we were bringing up our kids. But we have a common goal here on our podcast and that is simply “Help you,” as Doug says, “put a little tool or two in your toolbox for parenting, it will make you a better parent.” Parenting is really important, so is being a faithful mate to each other, important. So we’re glad you listen and pass it along to your friends. We love to have new people join us. We know those numbers continue to grow. We hear from many of you on a continuing basis, how much you enjoy our podcast and we want you to know, we appreciate you. That’s the end of my campaign for the Terbidings. Doug: Oh, that’s so sweet. And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: I call it parental poker, but if you could turn your head around and your neck was pliable enough to look in your back pocket, you’ll see those big four aces there. What do I mean by that? Your son or daughter in most situations can’t do anything without your permission. They need your signature, your help for about all the important things in their life, whether it’s athletics, drive a car, whatever. So sometimes you have to sit down with kids, especially kids who are powerful and you have to say, “Listen, I want you to see my cards.” And they’re going to say, “What are you talking about?” And pretend to have four cards, ace of spades, ace of diamonds, hearts, clubs, and just put it on them and explain to them what that means. That I am an authority over you and I know you don’t like it right now but that’s the way it is and we’re going to deal with it one way or another. We can deal with it easily, or we can make it hard. Let’s not make it hard on each other, let’s try to find some common ground. Okay. By the way, I love you very much. Doug: Dr. Leman, now I have teenagers, 14, 15, 16 year olds and I see that they’ve developed bad habits in whatever it is. Let’s say it’s, I don’t know, you got me. Andrea: Well, you said, “Slandering.” Earlier like gossip and slander. Doug: Like talking bad about people all the time and how everybody’s bad in the world. Do I have an opportunity to step in at that time to help them change that [inaudible] is going to hurt, bad habits that will hurt them later in life or not and if so, what? Dr. Leman: Yeah, I think you do, but I think it all hinges on how do you do it. Once the kids hit those teenage years, you have to back off. Okay? You have to give these kids the freedom to do some failure to figure out life as it is, not to be so prescriptive or if you tend to be authoritarian, so dictatorial about how their lives should be lived, but I think it’s fair game when you see things with your kids that trouble you. I think it’s important that you find a time where you can pull them aside and say, “Hey, do you have 10 minutes?” Yeah, “What do you need?” “Well I don’t need it, I just want to talk to you for 10 minutes. I see some things that I have to be honest with you, bother me. And I thought about not saying anything to you about it and I thought, you know what, that would be disrespectful because I love you so much and I care about you so much. I just felt like I needed to say something to you.” And at that point, that son or daughter might become a little defensive and say, “Listen, you don’t have to say a word. You don’t have to defend yourself and what you’re doing right there is you’re knocking down the defenses.” You’re saying, “You don’t have to say a word. I would just you to listen to me for just a few moments.” And then you preface that with, “You know, I could be wrong on this, maybe I’m not seeing this straight. This could be me not you, but here’s my observation. It seems to me that you become the authority on about everything in life. I see you badmouthing your friend, Aaron, who you’ve known for years whose been a good friend, and I hear things out of your mouth I find hard to believe. It’s just so negative and it just seems so self-centered around you.” “And I have to tell you that that bothered me to see you continually dog so many people, and I just want to share with you my experience with that kind of thing. That tends to come back and bite you in the butt. Be careful what you say about other people. At your age, you don’t want to set that whole peer group against you. You need to live in harmony with your friends, and maybe it’s just taking the time to see the positive in people rather than the negative.” I mean, whatever you’re going to say to that kid, you just say it in plain English. You set it up with, “I could be wrong.” You’re presenting the truth as softly as you can to a son or a daughter and then you back off. You don’t harpoon them, you don’t ride their tail about it. You’ve communicated a message that you wanted to communicate to your son or your daughter in a loving way. Now you’ve got a son or a daughter who’s not coming home at night, who is not respectful of your car or whatever, then there’s some discipline things you step in and do, along the line of, “Dad’s not very happy. I got to go get in the car and I had to drive over to the next town and I look at the gas tank, it’s right on empty, in fact it’s below empty. I’m kind enough to let you use my car and you bring it home under empty? That’s not how I deal with people, that’s not how I deal in life and I especially don’t want to deal with you like this.” “I’m going to cut you some slack, okay. I’m going to tell you that this is one that I’m going to let pass, but I want you to clearly hear what I say. The very next time that car comes empty or near empty, it will be the last time you will drive my car.” Now notice I didn’t put a time limit on it. I made that really clear, that’ll be the last time you’ll drive my car. So sometimes with kids, you have to be real direct. Teenagers tend to be all over the place. They’re a little goofy for sure. They’re fun. We always had fun with our kids. We didn’t have any hassles of any magnitude raising our kids as teenagers, not a one. They were happy, good times. So for what it’s worth, that’s how I’d approach that Doug. Doug: Well that’s such a good reminder. And you’ve told me this years ago that example, and to anybody that has teenagers, I cannot encourage you enough to do the soft … I could be wrong on this. This is what I’ve noticed. In my own personal life you told us to disclose how it negatively affected us and then walk away. And I’ve done that and six months or a year or two years later, they’ve come back and said, “You know, you told me that then. I thought you were rude and wrong but guess what, blah-blah-blah happened and I now see that it was right.” And you just plant the seed. You can’t change them when they’re that age and let it grow. You’re totally right, it’s so good. I got to say it again because you said it, I just can’t walk away. I I know, I’m wrapping up Andrea. She’s like, “No, stop.” Andrea and I have had almost no problems with our teenagers either because of Have A New Kid By Friday changed the way we parented him when they were little, so that we could super enjoy them when they’re teenagers and we have way too much with teenagers right now, it is the best season ever. We’re doing this because it’s worked in our life and we want you to be there too, so go get the book wherever ebooks are sold, please, for your sake. All righty, I’m done. We love adding the parenting toolbox so that you can enjoy those kids and love them a whole bunch and we’ll look forward to the next time we’re with you. Andrea: Go have fun with those kids. Doug: Yes, have a great time. Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye.