Have a New Kid by Friday with Dr. Kevin Leman

The process of blending two families is both difficult and fulfilling. Here are three mistakes to avoid so your family can blend instead of purée.   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript

Do your kids already feel stressed out? Dr. Leman discusses how to identify and remove these stressors from your kid’s life.   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “I am an authoritarian parent. Now I am reaping the consequences. I want to change, but how?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast. Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable

Could perfectionism be the silent killer in your family? Dr. Leman explains how flaunting your flaws may just be the remedy your family needs.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Come on kids. Get the house cleaned up. Come on, vacum the house. Come on, get the bathroom perfect. Our friends are coming over today and no, I don’t want them to know about your grades that you were struggling with. And no, I don’t want them to see that. Is your life a showcase? Is there the perfect family, or maybe we don’t need to strive to be the perfect family. And when we do, what are the negative effects of trying to be the perfect family? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea, Doug: And we are so glad that you are joining us today. If this happens to be your first time with us, we’d love for you to know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, I know I’m supposed to jump into the topic right away, but I got to tell you something that just happened. We’re recording this a few days after Valentine’s Day, and this doesn’t go out until April 6th, but our daughter decided that… So we throw dances here for a bunch of teenage kids once a month here and our daughter said, “The adults never get to do the dances.” So we are going to host a Valentine’s Dance and Dinner and she got about 18 of us together, and have a friend who went to culinary school, and they threw us a dance. And we had the most delightful time. And the meal was amazing; service us filet mignon. It was incredible. Dr. Leman: Who came to that? Andrea: Mostly it was the parents of the teenagers that come to the dances. Dr. Leman: That hang out. I see. Okay. Andrea: It was sweet. Doug: But that’s not the topic for today. Sorry, everybody. I just thought we hadn’t told you, I probably should have told you off air, but now everybody knows. So Dr. Leman, we distinctly feel this pressure to be the perfect family because everybody else around us has no problems. Their kids are perfect. Their lives are perfect, but we’ve got to shove all our secrets in the closet and we’re starting to get stressed out about all this. How do we get out of that and how did we get into it? Dr. Leman: Well, wow. That’s a loaded question. I’m just thinking about my own life. I’ve always been sort of, not sort of, a very informal person. I was in a restaurant the other day and I had on a Leman Academy of Excellence sweatshirt and somebody asked me if I worked at Leman. I didn’t quite know what to say. I said, “Well, yeah.” And I sort of stammered. I could see by the look on this guy’s face, he was trying to figure out where am I going with this? Because I couldn’t answer a simple question. I said, “Well, actually”, I said, “I’m Dr. Leman.” And he took a step back and said, “You’re Dr. Leman?” And he said it like that. Well, I got flip-flops on, a pair of shorts I know have at least two spots on them, a sweatshirt, my hair wasn’t really combed, but I had a hat over it, so I didn’t think it made that much difference, but you could see it in his eyes. “You’re Dr. Leman?” That’s me. I should have told them I got thrown out of the Ritz Carlton Hotel once, in a nice way. They throw you out really nicely at the Ritz Carlton because I wasn’t properly dressed. But I think it goes back to how we were brought up in our family. And I realize the question you’re asking is, “Do we need to be the perfect family? Are we too concerned with how people see us? Do they see the outside of us and not the inside of us?” I’ve said many times on our podcast and I’ll repeat it, perfectionism is slow suicide. So if you’re a perfectionist, my condolences. If you want to make a difference in people’s lives, I think you flaunt your imperfection, and flaunting your imperfection is not an easy thing to do, but it sort of says, “Hey, we’re all imperfect.” From a scriptural standpoint, we all fall short of the glory of God. We’re all very imperfect people. The marvelous thing about being a believer is that God loves us despite ourselves. So when I hear about people struggling with “our house isn’t clean enough and isn’t perfect enough”… I remember being in a pastor’s home once and his home was meticulous. I mean, there was not one thing that seemed out of place. And I kiddingly asked him, I said, “Pastor, don’t you have a junk room?” He said, “Oh yes, I have a place for my junk.” He went to a closet and he opened it and on the floor was a box that was, I’d say, 16 inches high and three feet long. And he opened it and it was a very well-organized junk box with some tools and some light bulbs in it and some other stuff I don’t remember. I thought, “Oh my goodness.” Our pastor, a couple Sundays ago, came out in a suit. He rarely wears a suit. And I was watching online because of COVID and, in fact, you can chat with other members of the church during the sermon, and I typed in, “Whoa! Who bought our good-looking pastor a new suit?” Because it was so different from what he usually wears. And as he developed his sermon, he took off his jacket and on his white shirt there were filthy marks all over it; just dirt marks, black, brown, all over it, and you couldn’t see with his coat on all the stains and the darkness in his shirt. And of course he used that as an example about how we sort of hide our dirt as people. I thought it was a very good way of conveying the message and I commented that we all need dirt bags in our lives. We all need places to put the dirt. You know, I’m going to get spiritual here for a second, but again, if you’re not a person of faith, just don’t listen for a second. But you know, the person that you think is holier than thou, I got news for you, they’re not. So that’s why I say we all need to learn to flaunt our imperfection. And I think lots of times, as we relate to our children, our kids really look at us and feel like, “My mom or dad would never do this. My mom and dad would never do that.” I’ve said for years, kids love stories. When you’re tucking kids in at night, tell stories about yourself as a kid where you made a wrong decision, where you were embarrassed, where you did the wrong thing. Who wants to approach someone who is perfect? If you’re imperfect, that makes you approachable. It seems to me, that’s what all of us need to be in life. We need to be approachable so the people we love will communicate the truth to us, and people that we don’t know will be drawn to us. It makes sense to me. I revel in the fact that I’m imperfect and God, the perfect one, his son, Jesus, who never sinned, that he loves me no matter what. I always tell churches, when I’m speaking in a church, the sin you’re going to commit this week, I got news for you, it’s already forgiven. So who’s kidding who? I talk with a friend, in fact, he lives up your way in Oregon, he’s got a new program called it’s something like Pastors Fishing Retreat, it’s on Monday. He takes pastors out and he said, “It’s amazing how, when you take pastors out fishing in a river, how they tend to let their hair down and they get a chance to interact with other pastors.” He says, “It’s marvelous to see how the weekend unfolds.” And they really show their real self to one another. Well, here’s a thought for you, parent, when you pray, do you pray from your real self? “Lord, you know I struggle with this, Lord, you know I struggle with that.” Or do you pray from the ideal self? “Oh, Lord, make me this. Oh, Lord, make me the vessel I need to be.” Come on, get with it. God knows your heart. He knows your every thought, he knows the number of hairs on your head, so why go down Perfection Lane when you can live a stress free life by realizing that you’re imperfect? Stress is a part of our life every day. And people create their stress through unrealistic expectations they put on themselves and they put on others. In fact, I wrote a book about stress. It’s a pretty good book, by the way. So anyway, those are my thoughts, Doug and Andrea. Andrea: Well, just as you were talking about it, it makes me think a few years ago, how Doug would remind me when people were coming over. If you have everything perfect in the house when they come, then they’re not going to want to invite you over to their house because they’re going to think you have it all together. They’re going to see that nothing’s out of place, but that’s not reality of how we live. And so over the years I’ve learned that there’s a balance between have it nice so they feel comfortable; you don’t want it to be a mess, you want people to feel comfortable just sitting on the couch or the bathroom is clean and there’s a fresh hand towel, but you don’t have to have everything perfect because then people are going to think they have to live up to that standard to invite you to their house or whatever, get in their car, whatever the deal is. And that’s been really freeing for me. So I appreciate that we’re talking about this. Dr. Leman: Andrea, that is so good what you just said. Every word you just said is just spot on true. And since Mrs. Uppington is still in bed and can’t hear what I’m about to say, I’m going to tell you though, when Mrs. Uppington has a couple over for dinner, number one, there’s enough food to feed a herd of people, a herd of people, and everything from the lime sorbet that cleans your palette, whatever that means, to the flowers that are fresh at everyone’s… I mean, she just overdoes it, to put it bluntly. And I remind her, I said, “Honey, when was the last time one of our friends invited us for dinner?” And then I answered my own question. I say, “They haven’t. You know why? Because none of those women feel like they can put on a dinner like you.” You think that makes a difference in how Mrs. Uppington proceeds in life? Andrea: No, she loves it. Dr. Leman: Yeah. She still does it. Andrea: As I think about our story, I realize I love to go and have somebody else pamper me and have things beautiful, but I think that this process has helped to set me free that I don’t have to add up on my end, that we offer something different in our friendship and the people that are comfortable coming around, they’re okay with it. That I am not a trained chef or that I am not an interior decorator. I ask my friends, “Hey, what picture should I hang here because I don’t know!” I just realize we have to give and take, and I don’t have to be afraid of what they’re going to think of me. So it is a process, but it really has set me free. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Well, good for you. That was really well set up. If every person would take that to heart, they would live a less stressed life. Stress is a huge thing today. The stress that we have inward, that we feel emotionally, expresses itself through our body; through neck problems, back problems, headaches, migraines, you name it. Stress will find its way out and it tends to do it through our muscular skeletal system in our body. So it’s a big killer today that the medical doctors tell us, stress. Doug: Well, which is a great lead into the ebook promotion that we have for everybody today. And that is Stopping Stress Before It Stops You. For a mere $1.99 between now and the end of April 2021, you can get Stopping Stress Before It Stops You in ebook form wherever you get your eBooks. Andrea? Andrea: Yeah, so I have a review here from Amazon, “This is a great book for moms, but husbands should read it too, to give a glimpse of what their wives go through. As a husband, I am stressed too, but it is enlightening to read how moms sometimes put unnecessary stress on themselves with their expectations. Dr. Leman offers good solutions to stress, and isn’t shy about making your spiritual life a priority.” Doug: So between now and then the April 2021, go get Stopping Stress Before It Stops You. And now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: The question is, “What do you do when your kid hits you?” You hit him back, knock him right out cold. No, no. That’s just my bizarre sense of humor. Listen, you don’t start habits with kids that you don’t want to have continue. So even a little one, a two-year-old or a three-year-old, hitting mommy, no, you hold the child close to your body and you tell them with a look on your face, “We do not hit people.” Now, when you say, “We don’t hit people”, you got to make sure you’re not hitting him. They watch your actions. They study you every day. So when a kid hits, many times it’s just a reaction, but if a kid continues to hit, there are some issues there. There are some things that little guy or little girl is angry about. And the best way to get to the bottom of that is to simply talk about them with a calm voice. But modeling is really important. “Notice, mommy doesn’t hit daddy, daddy doesn’t hit mommy, big sister doesn’t hit big brother, et cetera.” Do your best, again, “nip it in the bud,” as Barney Fife once said. Nip it in the bud. That’s the important part. Don’t let it grow. Don’t let it fester. Andrea: All right. So now I’m wanting to draw this into the whole idea of parenting. Dr. Leman, how do we take this idea that we’ve just talked about, about perfectionism, and apply it to our parenting? How does it affect our kids and how do we train them? Dr. Leman: All right. Number one, be a good listener. Stop telling kids just to do things. Stop asking questions, ask opinion. That creates real dialogue, a transparency, a place where we communicate with each other without hurting each other’s feelings and putting people down and acting like we have all the answers, and most parents feel that way. So it’s a paradigm that works. Let the kids give back to the family. We talked about that. It’s a healthy thing to do. So everybody gives back to the family. No one member of the family is more important than the family. Family comes first. Everybody rows the boat in the same direction. Doug: When we’re trying to be the perfect family, and we’re trying to have this facade, what are we communicating to our kids? And how does that… I got to assume that’s a negative on our kids’ life. Dr. Leman: Yeah. You’re valuing them on their performance. It really says, “I really don’t care about you. I care about how you perform.” So you look good to our neighbors, to our friends, to our church group, to you name it. So it’s just putting a sense of realness in your family. Being quick to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong”, for example, is just such a good thing. Doug: Wow, so you’re saying if I try and keep my life perfect, I really am making my kids say, “You only count when you perform the way I expect you”, huh? Dr. Leman: Yeah, we’re performance-based families in America, for the most part. Doug: And how does that then lead to stress for me and my kids? Dr. Leman: It leads toward disaster because the kid, or the adult as they grow older, says, “I only count in life when I achieve, when I win, when I control.” You just create a society of a bunch of control freaks. Good luck with that! Doug: So there’s just this tidal wave of culture that says you must be perfect, it must be ideal. What do we need to shift in our mind, or what does an action step we can push that back and not live that way? Dr. Leman: I don’t know what… The first thing that comes to my mind, Doug, I went to the dermatologist the other day and I’m fair skinned, light hair, so I’m a dermatologist’s dream. In fact, I used to kid my dermatologist. I used to say, I think he was saying, “How are ya?” when I walked in and I discovered he was saying, “Hawaii”, because every time I walked in, he saw a Hawaiian trip on the horizon for all the stuff I needed done. But, I digress. But I was looking around in the dermatologist’s office about all the services they offer; Botox, these kinds of injections, those kinds of injections, skin surface resurfacing… And the women in there, and these are middle-aged women who are basically trying to make sure they look like they’re 29 years old. To me, there’s nothing worse than a woman that doesn’t grow old gracefully. My wife is now in her seventies. And as I’ve said many times, heads will still turn. She’s a very, very attractive woman, very pretty. And as we grow older gracefully, I think that shows that things are okay inside of a person. But our society is so hung up on we should on each other. You should do this, you should do that, which conveys that you’re not there. You don’t measure up. That’s such a disrespectful thing to say. Billy Joel said it best in his song I Love You Just The Way You Are. Isn’t that great to have somebody love you just the way are, with all your warts and blemishes and faults and frailties? So this stress thing with your kids, I’m telling you parents, just be real, be honest, be straightforward, listen to them, be quick to say, “I’m sorry”, and you’re going to raise some pretty healthy kids. Andrea: I’m trying to figure out how to ask my question. I’m thinking about imagining a kid growing up in a family where everything has to be perfect and they don’t have anyone they can talk to about what’s actually behind that veneer and the brokenness, the hurt or whatever, because the image they have to project is that “We’re perfect at home”? Dr. Leman: Well- Andrea: What happens to that kid as they get older? Dr. Leman: What child do you think is most likely to commit suicide? The first born. Why? And I’ve read many a suicide note in my life; I’ve been privy to him as a Dean of Students at the University of Arizona. And I’ll tell you, they have a theme, “I’m sorry I didn’t measure up in this world.” Really? Didn’t measure up? To whose expectations? Many times of their own, but how did that get there? By the practices and the communication, or lack of communication, and the very sterile environment they grew up in where perfection reigned. Andrea: So that maybe goes back to what you were first saying after the break, that when we’re a good listener to our kids, and we let them dialogue with us, when we let them ask us questions and we don’t act like we have all the answers. Doug: Do you remember? It was probably like seven years ago or so, or six years ago, when our kids sat us down and said, “We’re tired of trying to live up to this expectation. And we’re tired of doing this. And mom and dad, we want you guys to stop.” Right? That’s exactly what we were just saying that if we listen to our kids, they’ll actually tell us what we’re needing to do and how we had to set ourselves on a different path and set them free. Dr. Leman: You know, people just have to get it that you see little Miss Perfection, little Mister Perfection, I’m here to tell you, they’re going to do a swan dive. They’re going to hit the concrete someday. Doug: And it’s so much more fun now that our kids actually call us out on things that we’ve said we want to stop and we don’t want to be a perfect family anymore and it’s way more enjoyable. It really is. There is no fun in being the perfect family, for sure. So, okay. Well for all those perfectionists out there, I can’t encourage you enough to drop it. It’s not helping anybody. If you’re dealing with stress, go get the book, Stopping Stress Before It Stops You. It’s only $1.99. You’ll be super thankful. Stress, as we know in America, is the silent killer that’s just growing rampant out there. And we look forward to the next time we get to hang out with you and add to your parenting toolbox so that you can love those kids more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Thanks for joining us today. Doug: Take care. Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “Your birth order descriptions don’t fit me. Why?” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Well, according to Dr. Leman, if I’m the baby of the family, I’m supposed to be fun and attention getting. If I’m the oldest I’m supposed to be studious and well thought about, or I think about things well. But the question from a colleague today is, I don’t fit your birth order descriptions Dr. Leman, why not? Hi. I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are really glad that you are joining us today. If this happens to be your first time, I’ll let you know, this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, actually, even before I jump into Chloe’s question, I feel like either you have gotten monkeys or dogs, there seems to be more excitement in the house. Dr. Leman: Yeah, well, usually it’s Sandy and I, we no longer have our dog. Our little Cocker Spaniel has gone to, on the dog heaven. But we do have two, four-year-old twins roaming the house. And so I have become an expert in children’s TV, PAW Patrol, Disney’s Playhouse, Mickey and Minnie, this and that. And they get up. We do this early in the morning, by the way, the Terpenings are up 6:00 AM on the West Coast, they live in Oregon. I live in Arizona. So I start at 7:00 AM, Terpenings start at 6:00. While the little ones get up about 6:30 and they are in the family room, which is a good, Oh, I’d say 60 feet from where we are. And they’re as quiet as four-year-old twins can be in the morning. So it just adds a little reality to our podcast. So if someone comes in and you hear all of a sudden, “Grandpa.” That would be one of the twins saying good morning to grandpa Leman. Doug: What a blessing that they want to come and be with you. Alrighty. Well, let’s jump into Chloe’s question. Here it is. Chloe: Hi, Dr. Lehman. I have a question about your Birth Order Book. I am highly confused about which of the four I would fall into. I’m the baby of the family, but the oldest is 12 years older than me and the middle child is six years older than me. That would make me function like an only, except for the fact that due to both cancer and marital issues, both of my sisters lived in the house, the whole time I lived at home. My oldest sister also had a baby who is six years younger than me and treated me like I was her sister. My parents are also divorced and my mother remarried, but my father did not and depended highly on me. I always acted older than my age, but I’m also not much of a perfectionist, unless it is an order to please another person. I’m highly driven by pleasing other people. Another aspect is that I spent most of my summers and any holidays at my art teacher’s house who has children that all looked up to me as an older sister. Thank you so much for listening to my question. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Dr. Leman: Oh well, I love the question, number one, Chloe. And I have to tell you, I love your name too. I think that’s such a great name for a young lady. Let’s see if we can solve the confusion. Number one, your family sounds different. We have divorce and remarriage. We have your aunt, is one year younger than you. If I’m thinking right, if I caught that story right. But birth order wise in your family with one child, 12 years older than you, and one six years older than you, all three of those birth orders are firstborn personalities. Now here’s the question, are all firstborns alike? You have firstborns that are very domineering, they are far removed from pleasers. In fact, I wrote a national bestseller called, The Pleasers: Women Who Can’t Say No-And the Men Who Control Them, years ago, I think it was in the late 80s, I wrote that book. But the fact that you’re a pleaser fits in very well. I know you think you’re a baby, you’re not. I know ordinarily you’re the youngest, but you function as a first born and your a first born pleaser, where I would assume that with the other two firstborn positions, that is your oldest sister and your middle sister, both of them probably have similarities, but they have distinctives. For example, if the firstborn is the controller, that ends up that one of you have to be pleaser. So I’ve already said you taken that pleaser point. Well, what is the middle child then? The middle child should probably be, if there was a rebel in the family, it should probably be her. If not, the next best candidate for the rebel is the firstborn who’s controlling and dominant. So I’m just saying if you make a list of the personality characteristics that describe your two older sisters, you’ll see that there are distinct differences, and yet all of you are firstborn personalities. Once you have a five-year gap between the births of the same sex children in a family, you’ve created emotionally and psychologically a new family. So you have three little families under the same roof, which is always interesting. But again, if I heard that right, you have an aunt that’s a year younger than you. And that gets real interesting, especially if you’re living in the same home. So anyway, for openers, that’s my observation on that. And we’ll hear what Doug and Andrea have to say about that. And did I catch that right about that… Let’s see aunt who would be a year younger than her? Andrea: I think I heard that she has a niece that’s six years younger than her. Dr. Leman: Six years younger? Andrea: Six. One of the sisters had a baby and the baby lived there in the house with them, is the way I heard it. Dr. Leman: Okay. Well then again, now we have four firstborn personalities living in the house and it’d be really interesting to see how they get along. In fact, I’d make a guess that the two that don’t get along would be Chloe and that little aunt or little niece, whatever she is. Andrea: You described each firstborn has to take on a distinctive. And so you described one is the controller, one is the rebel, one is the pleaser. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before. Can you run that by us again? Dr. Leman: Yeah. Well, your firstborns come in two different types. You have the accommodating pleaser who goes through life, trying to please everyone in sight. And then we have little Attila, the leader, but probably a very domineering personality. And so it’s either or at the firstborn position. And their mantra is, I only count in life when I win, when I control what I dominate or when I please other people. I tell a story about taking my wife to one of her favorite restaurants years ago. And she ordered salmon. And this is a very expensive restaurant that we went to like once a year. For example, to celebrate an anniversary. And she’s eating around the edges of the salmon. And I said to her, “Honey is your fish done right? Is your salmon good?” “Oh, honey. It’s fine. It’s fine.” Well, I’m telling you that salmon was still swimming up stream. It was way under cook. So I said, “Honey, let’s…” “Oh no, no. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t make a fuss.” “I’m the baby of the family. I’m going to make a fuss. That piece of fish was expensive. And so, excuse me, waiter.” He comes over. This is one of those places where they got the gray jacket, the black jacket, that red jacket. I mean, it’s a fancy restaurant. I said, “Excuse me, but my wife’s salmon. It’s still swimming upstream. It’s not done.” The guy sort of “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” And he went and he brought back a well-cooked salmon, the way she’d liked it. And then the best part of this was the guy comes over, says, “Oh, the chef sends his apologies and he’s going to create a Flambe Baked Alaska, drenched with fresh strawberries. Doug: So why is it important, and then I have another question about Chloe’s, but why are we talking about this on a parenting podcast? How is the birth order going to help me with parenting? Dr. Leman: Well, the little boy or little girl you’re once were, guess what you still are. Think about that. The little boy or little girl you once were, you still are. You basically don’t change that much. When you’re under pressure, you’ll revert to your earlier learned behaviors. And understanding who you are as an adult, knowing your pluses and your minuses is really, really important. And just yesterday I gave a PD, a professional development session to our teachers at one of our schools. And I had heard that one of our teachers who’s been with us for a few years, a good teacher, has really turned the corner and really developed into just a top notch teacher. And I mentioned that publicly. I said, “By the way, David, I’ve heard some wonderful things about you. I just think that’s so great that you’re making such an impact on our scholars lives.” Well, yesterday afternoon, I got an email, “Dr. Leman, hey, thanks for taking the time to visit with us. And your comments to me were really encouraging. Thank you so much.” You don’t outgrow your need for vitamin E. And when you see things in people’s lives, that need to be reinforced by vitamin E, encouragement, you do so. But noticed that this teacher, he responded to that saying, “That really meant a lot to me.” This is a veteran teacher. And so it helps to learn about birth order to help you figure out what are your negatives? What are your minuses in life? We’re not all five star. I mentioned to them yesterday. I’m not an organized person by nature. To be a good teacher, I think you need to be pretty well organized. That really helps to get through life and be successful. You need organization. Well, what did I do? I’m not organized. I’ve tried to get organized. Not very good at it. Well, I hired Ms. Organization. When I hired Debbie Backus, many years ago, she’s worked for me for 30 years. She’s as organized as they come. She could organize anybody. She can run anything. She’s marvelous. So- Doug: So for the parents out there that are going, okay, that’s for me personally, but how will it change our parenting toward our kids, if we know their pluses and minuses and where they fall into that? Dr. Leman: Well, if you know, you’re a perfectionist, for example, you have to be able to harness that perfection. You have to put away the flaw picking critical eye that you own, or you’ll discourage your firstborn beyond measure. Why do I say the firstborn? Because they’re the lab rat of the family. They’re the ones you practice on. You’re not as tough on your third born or your fourth born as you were in your first born. Your first born got in trouble for younger childhood. I don’t care what she did, you’re the oldest. I expect more of you. That type of stuff. So The Birth Order Book, people always ask me, “I’ve never read one of your books, but I really enjoyed listening to you. Where do I start?” And many times I’ll say, “Well, that’s a tough question for me to answer. But I think if you read The Birth Order Book that’s would be a real good starter.” Because it gets you into family systems. And it lets you see that the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. And it gives you insight into how your parents probably treated the three of you or the four of you the same and how that backfired. It might give you insight as a parent to why you should treat your kids differently. Because they’re different. They’re not clones of each other. So I think there’s great psychological insight and a lot of practicality from reading a book like The Birth Order Book. Doug: Well, I know for us that what helped us as you often say, we have to get behind our kids’ eyes and see the world as they see it. And I don’t often think of how an oldest will think, or how a youngest will think, or as a middle child. And it really helped me go, “Oh, okay, this is what they’re thinking. This is how they’re feeling.” And it really helped me think, “Okay, I need to back off here and I need to make sure I’m doing these types of things.” So that’s how we’re doing this. One, is just to highlight people that this does make an impact. Now we have a new book from Baker Books that I’m super excited about it, especially in the season that we’re in. And that is called, Stopping Stress Before It Stops You, for [inaudible] 99 from April 1st to the end of April of 2021. Andrea: And I think it would be really interesting to hear what Dr. Leman has to say about this book. I’m curious. Doug: Who’s it for? Dr. Leman: Well it’s for adults. We all have stress. Many times stresses manifest its way throughout our body, headaches, backaches, stomach disorders. Stress will take a physical toll on your body. Now here’s the kicker. We are the manufacturer, as well as the distributor of stress. Where does the stress come from? Does it come with that first cup of coffee? Is it in a drinking water? Or does it come from outside of your body or inside of your body? Try to answer that one. That’s like, what came first, the chicken or the egg. But stress can be very harmful. Our expectations we have, are many times the Genesis of the stress in our lives. For those of you who tend to be perfectionistic, wow, you’re walking through stressful every day because all your little ducks have to be in a row before you move forward. When you grow up and you realize that life isn’t perfect and life gives you curve balls. And some days when you plan a picnic at range, you’re growing up a little bit at a time. So it’s a good look at how stress is created in our lives and how we can begin to alleviate that stress by the decisions that we make. Many times when I’m talking about stress at a seminar, I’ll say, “Okay, I want everybody to stop. And I want you to think about this. You find out six days from now that you have cancer, stage three cancer. How is that going to affect your life? How is that going to affect the priorities in your life? What now are the most important things in life? How your 15 year-old leaves the room, as she dashes out the door to school? Or is that somehow not so important all of a sudden? So in that book, I like to ask questions that make people really think about what’s important. A week from Saturday, you’re standing at the coffin of your wife or your husband. How’s that changed how you see things in life? So I get people into thinking about don’t take today for granted, to enjoy this day, to rejoice in this day, realize it’s a gift from almighty God to have this day. And are you going to nitpick and whine and fuss over the imperfection in your life? Or you’re going to enjoy this great day God’s given you? So it’s a good little read. Anybody who feels like they’re stressed, this is a good one for you to read. Andrea: Thanks. Thanks for telling us about it. Doug: And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: There’s no way this parent tip is going to win favor in the hearts of kids or parents. The question is, when should you give that youngster a cell phone? Now I said, “Give.” A lot of parents say, “You know what? You should really work for that phone.” And I agree with that. But I think somewhere between 7th grade and 9th is the time to give kids a phone. Kids have phones I know in 3rd grade, in 4th grade. I have parents telling me, well, they need it for school. I tried another school. I think 7th grade, age 12, 13 is plenty early. Parental controls on a phone, I think is a must. Good luck. Doug: So then we can go back to Chloe now. How much in her words, I don’t remember the exact word she used, but she described her family as lots of relational problems and divorces. And I think she might even use the word, dysfunction in the family, relationally. It was something like that. How much does that affect birth order when there were appears to be those kinds of chaos. Dr. Leman: Well, it makes the three sisters in this case, more of a loners, maybe I would call one of them may be a defensive controller, which means essentially I don’t really enjoy controlling, but it’s my best defense against the crazy people I live with. Doug: Yeah. If you’re on the defense, it’s going to affect everything that you’re doing. Dr. Leman: It makes us guarded, it makes us distrustful of other people. Does that affect our relationships with husbands, for example? Absolutely. Does it affect our perception of who God is? Well, whatever your daddy was, I got news for you. That, in all probability is a pretty good indication of how you see almighty God in your life. Doug: And then I hear Andrea right, that she said she did all the holidays at her art teacher’s house too? Andrea: Yes. Dr. Leman: Yeah. That’s very good perception Doug. You get five stars for remembering that, for picking that up. Andrea: Oh my goodness, [inaudible]. Dr. Leman: You did. You saved your name in the state of Oregon and Arizona, for sure. But yeah, that’s an interesting point. You see, whatever that art teacher was all about, there was probably a sense of calmness in that family. It was a stress free environment for her to go to. And so lots of times, in fact, I asked some teachers just yesterday, I asked for a show of fingers, “How many people really loved you, really had your back as a kid growing up?” In the average yesterday was about four or five. And I told them, “I’ve asked this a 100 times or more to groups and you guys are on the high end. Usually the answer is two or three. But most of us don’t have a handful of people who really had our back. But when you find someone like that, like Chloe found the art teacher, there was some stability and some calmness that she really liked and that if she researches her memories, she’ll realize that that’s one of the reasons why she was attracted to that art teacher and her home. Doug: Well, Chloe, we really appreciate this question just to highlight, the Birth Order Book, if you haven’t read it, it’s one of Andrea’s favorite book. She loved it, loved it, loved it, loved it, I highly recommend it. Also during the season that we’re in of life right now, Stopping Stress Before It Stops You is just a great book. Again, we’re all dealing with different stresses this time around that we’ve never dealt with in some of us ever. And you can get it between now or April 1st to the end of April of 2021, wherever e-books are sold. Well, it was great to be with you today and add to that parenting toolbox so you can understand those kids and then love them more and more. We look forward to the next time we get through this with you. Andrea: Thanks for being with us. Have a good week. Doug: Take care. Bye-bye.

Are your kids struggling in school? Dr. Leman gives the skinny on what you can do for your kid’s education.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: A C on their last test? What? How in the world is this kid ever going to survive school? How can I help my kids do better in school? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman today that many of us are feeling. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are really, really glad that you’re with us today. If this happens to be your first time, I want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If this subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, Dr. Leman, we got our kids in this crazy school system that’s kind of, some are in person, some are not in person. How in the world, what can I do to get my kid to do better in school? Dr. Leman: Well, it’s a great topic, and it’s a great question. And I think we have to be as truthful as we possibly can be. The pandemic has taken its toll on education big time. I’ve often said when a kid is about 18 months of age, they are like a sponge. If you ever want to teach a kid a second language, 18 months is a great time to start because they just absorb so much. But real learning takes place in the classroom. And as you know, across the country, there are many, many school districts, huge school districts who’ve been shut down for this entire year. They’re not going to go back to in class learning until this fall of ’21. And you just have to understand that you don’t just instantly make that up. I know ourselves, we have seven schools, Leman Academy of Excellence. I was just talking to our CEO the other day about this. And she was saying that the measureables are there. You can see a distinct drop off in what kids are learning. Now check this out. We have been in class learning, but it’s different. There’s a whole different social milieu that has developed in our schools, so even those who have been in school on a continuing basis, we can see that there’s been some drop off. The kids haven’t succeeded and bloomed like they should’ve. So imagine the drop off from kids, we call them scholars in our school, who have been on screen, on remote learning all this time. You don’t get that back very easily. So the whole educational system, in my opinion, suffers. So parents, here we are in the spring of ’21, and all we can look forward to, we’re happy we have vaccine available now, and that’s changing the outlook. And I think the mental state of a lot of parents, as well as students, and I think when we return this fall, I think that’s where we have the chance to begin to make up the ground that we lost. So parents, I know you’re concerned about your kids, that drop off, the grades, you see that kids are sick and tired of looking at screens. And by the way, I’ve said it 100 times, I’ll say it again, screen time of any kind is not good for young children, period. There’s been 40, 50 years of hard research on that, that proves that point. So here’s the good news. Parent, ask yourself this question. Is your son or daughter a voracious reader? If they are, your child is the exception. Your family is the exception. You’re not going to see a huge drop off in that kid’s ability to learn and perform. You’re not going to see a drop off in the grades unless they’re just sick and tired of the screen. I’ve told parents this for years. If your kid’s a reader, don’t worry about your kid’s education. Andrea: So does that mean we can just stop doing this screen time thing school and just read with them? Dr. Leman: You know what, Andrea, that’s not a bad idea. If your son is daughter is so turned off by the screen, enrich their lives with books, materials. Every kid has their interest, whatever that interest area is. Make those books available. Download them. Purchase them, whatever it takes, and feed that kid’s ability to read because that is the real key to education as they move forward. Andrea: How does it affect their ability to learn math or concepts that aren’t reading based? Dr. Leman: Well, reading is the key to everything. And with things specific to math, if you’ve got a kid that’s in the eighth grade and they’re taking elementary algebra, they’re a year ahead, they’re taking it in eighth grade, that son or daughter is going to have to have instruction in math, unless they’re very, very unique and become a self learner when it comes to math. But it’s much more difficult to be a self learner when it comes to math because it’s so XO, obviously, numerically dominated. So that’s the situation where if you’re really turned off with your school and how they’re doing things, my suggestion would be hire a tutor to work with your son or your daughter. If you have a daughter and she’s eighth grader, seventh grader, I’d find a junior in high school. I would find a young man who would tutor your daughter in your home. If you have a young man, same situation. I would look for a young woman to tutor your son in mathematics. Andrea: Now you’ve talked about why you would choose the opposite sex to help them out before. But for people who are new listeners, can you explain why you would do that, and why it’s okay? Dr. Leman: Well, once you’re in about seventh or eighth grade, you really do recognize the opposite sex. And if you can find a young man or young woman that has a personality plus the skill, believe me that young woman is going to pay attention to that junior in high school who’s got this charming personality. She’s going to try to please him. She’s going to work hard. She’s not going to turn him off. And same with that young man who has a young female. I mean, at that time, they’re interested in the opposite sex. And it’s just a much easier transition for your son or daughter to pay attention to what that tutor is doing. In fact, I just had this conversation yesterday with a couple. And dad said his daughter just isn’t a math person. And she’s getting As in all of her subjects right now, but she’s getting a C in math, and quite frankly, that’s a stretch from what he tells me. The teacher is very lenient when it comes to grades in math, and gives her all kinds of extra credit for crying, for trying. Crying, that’s pretty good. She does cry over math. But anyway, the point is that if you go out of the box here and think, okay, parent, you want to change things up. It’s been a long, long year. Then again, if your son or daughter is a reader, I think most of your worries are cast aside. Now what if your kid doesn’t really enjoy reading because they’re an auditory learner? Then I would make books on tape available to your son or your daughter, so they get to explore areas. Again, what are their interests? Make sure that reading parallels their interest. That’ll go a long way in solving problems. Is this podcast an answer all for the question that was asked? No, because things are fluid. They’re dynamic. They’re changing from week to week in many of our school systems. But remember, parents, you are the best teacher to your child. There’ll never be a teacher as good as you. So be careful about your critical tongue. Make sure you’re not should-ing on your kids too much, when you say, “You should do this. You should do that.” What you’re really saying is, “You didn’t measure up in my eyes.” Be careful about your words. Look for encouraging words. Doug: So Dr. Leman, this is all nice, abstract conversation you two are having, which I really like. It’s kind of fun to listen to this. But the reality is, high school grades matter. And college is going to look at those things. And you two just want to pull them out and get a cup of tea and light some candles and read some books on the couch. But they’ve got to get As and Bs if they’re going to get into a right school. So my question to you is: Do I pull a B doesn’t happen, doesn’t start until A is complete, and say, “Until these grades get up, man, you’re not doing nothing around here”? Dr. Leman: Well, and again, what you just said, there’s nothing wrong with what you just said for a kid that’s not giving a lick or a holler. But that isn’t what Andrea and I were talking about. We were talking about, okay, given what’s going on, and screen time isn’t good for kids. How do you go about it? Well, if you’ve got a kid that’s just bucking the whole system and shutting down, and insists on playing video games and that’s it, obviously, you give them what I call the bread and water treatment, where all of a sudden, things change quickly. And that kids finds himself twiddling his thumbs and doing nothing, or he or she gets with the program and works on getting those grades up. Grades are important. But here’s a caveat here. Everybody in the US in this past year, their grades are probably not going up. Let’s put it that way. But check this out. I just saw, I think it was the state of Texas, is considering not having final exams this year. I know in the state of Arizona, they’ve given school systems … Every school is evaluated. They get a letter grade, A, B, C, D, or F. And the state, I believe, has made all the preparations to eliminate this year for grading because they know how terrible across the board it is. So the states are sort of grading on a curve this year. And they’re providing a lot of grace, it seems to me, realizing this has been tough on the student, the parent, and the teacher. What’s happening in our schools, and again, I get a close up look at this every day, you’ll have on a Friday in a school of let’s say 1000, you might have 15 teachers call in sick on a Friday because teachers have had it. And they feel like they’re stretched to the max. They feel like they’re putting their life at risk. And then of course, you always have the drama queens and kings who just live in fear every day, and they don’t really make the great effort to engage like you should as an educator. So again, like I say, this podcast is not going to solve the problems of the world. But hopefully, we’ll give you some ideas that are based on you as a parent are the best teacher. No one knows your kid better than you do, so plan accordingly. Doug: So you guys were talking more about this unique situation that we’re spending a lot of time on Zoom, or Google, or whatever, with our teachers. But when I talk about the grades, so you are saying, “My kid brings home a C, I tell them PlayStation, you don’t get to do that until that grade’s up to a B.” Is that what you’re telling me I get to do? Dr. Leman: Yes, you can do that if your son or daughter isn’t putting in the time and effort. If your kid is in a remote situation and one parent is home, you know what the kid’s doing. He or she is under your nose. You can supervise how much time they put into their school work. And so for the kid that’s not giving a lick, yeah, I would induce all the different techniques that we’ve talked about on this podcast in terms of holding your child accountable for what he or she does or doesn’t do. Doug: So let’s say they’ve got a math assignment that they’ve got to get done. Does that mean that I get to walk into his room and tell them, “Sally, until that math assignment is done, don’t come to the dinner table. Don’t pull out the PlayStation. And don’t even think about asking me to do something. Until that assignment’s done, you got nothing from me”? Dr. Leman: Yes. If you want permission, yes, you can do that. Exactly. It’s how you do it, it’s the words you choose to use, parent, that’s going to make that effective. If you come in with an attitude and you’ve got a powerful child who’s struggling in math to begin with, I’ve got news for you, he or she’s just going to dig in all the further. They’re not going to let you win because you got yourself in a power struggle. Doug: You’re totally confusing me because I thought for sure you were going to tell me, if you want to cause problems, you’re proud sitting there like the king and the queen, I thought you’d tell me, no, you do reality. You don’t tell them you’re going to do this. This is just how it happens. So which one is it? Do you tell them you’re going to do this, or do you wait until you get the grade back to start this? Dr. Leman: Problem with waiting for the grade to come out is some schools are on a six week, some are on a nine week, some are on an 11 week. You’re going to wait nine weeks to take action, you know your son or daughter isn’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing, and so a casual conversation says, “Hey, I can’t help but realize that you’re really not giving a lick and a holler. I asked your mom what she thought, and she said the same thing. So from now on, when you ask for routine things that we usually grant you the right and privilege to do, you’re going to hear a different answer.” What are you talking about? Well, I’m talking about the fact that you seem not to be keeping up with school work. I emailed your teacher and she confirmed that. And so you’re on notice that your life is going to be a little different. Well, what do you mean different? What’s going to happen? Well, we’ll take it one day at a time, but you’ll see your life is going to change quickly. So you’re trying to be matter of fact about it, but you’re being firm, and that’s what kids need. They need to know that you mean business. And so they’re not able to haul out PlayStation and do the things they normally like to do to kill time. Doug: Here’s the hard part though for parenting right now, is we’re exhausted ourselves. And we are tired of our kids always being underfoot. So I kind of want them to go do PlayStation, and kind of have a break from me so that I get a little peace and quiet. And I feel bad for them that they’re kind of stuck here. So if I take away these privileges now and they can’t do this, and they can’t do this, what the heck is that kid going to do? They’re going to drive me even more nuts at that point. Dr. Leman: If they suck it up and they start doing their work, they’re still going to have a lot of time to do things that kids love to do. By the way, I saw the sign in a window the other day. It said, “My husband is for sale.” Doug: Was it Andreas car? Just tell me the truth, Dr. Leman. Dr. Leman: No, it wasn’t Andrea. She didn’t send me a photo of it. So all I’m saying is this has been so hard on all of us. I’m convinced my wife sends me out to look for things that don’t exist. In fact, the day before Thanksgiving, she sent me to Costco, and I had everybody laughing in line because I said, “This proves that my wife doesn’t like me, sending me to Costco the day before Thanksgiving.” I’m telling you, the lines in Costco, I mean, you couldn’t breathe in the place. It certainly isn’t a place you should go to during a pandemic. But I only have two or three underlying conditions, so she doesn’t care. She sends me there. But my point is that having kids underfoot all the time, 24/7 now, this has been a tough time for all of us. So I would say to families, find something you can do as a family once a week that’s just pure fun. And try to realize that we’re all in this thing together. When you say, “My kids are driving me crazy,” well, let’s be honest. You’re driving the kids crazy. Dad’s driving the kids crazy. Dad’s driving you crazy, and you’re driving Dad crazy. So with that as common denominators, who hasn’t sinned, let’s throw the first stone. So I think you have to put some reasonable thought into all the things we’re talking about. You want to temper your feelings. You just don’t follow your feelings, if you do, you’re going to do things and say things that aren’t good because all of us are under pressure at this point. Doug: That’s good. When I come back, I want to ask you a little bit different question about segment of age group and how this is applied. The eBook that Baker Books is offering all of us this month is Have a New Sex Life by Friday for $1.99 between now and the end of March of 2021, wherever you get eBooks sold. Andrea: And this review was written by T and Books, so she must love books. My husband and I have been married for many years and recently faced challenges of four moves in three years with a special needs child that took its toll on our physical intimacy. Have a New Sex Life by Friday had a lot of good ideas for us. I read bits and pieces to my husband and we had some good discussions. I highly recommend this book. Doug: What a lucky husband. So wherever you get those eBooks, get them now. And now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Helicopter parents, can we talk about them for just a second? Personally, I think they ought to be launched into space. If you want to design a way to weaken a child, be the helicopter parent, be the one that double checks with them three times to make sure they have their school work done, and their pen and pencil, and their computer and their phone in their backpack. When you peer over a kid’s shoulder, you’re really saying loudly, “I really don’t believe in you.” The old Kenny Rogers song comes to mind, She Believes in Me. There’s nothing better than having somebody believe in you and let you stretch your wings and fly from the nest. So parents, if you’re a helicopter parent, it’s time to disable that propeller. Doug: All righty, Dr. Leman, so a question for you. We’re talking now little kids. Right? So kindergarten through third grade or so. How much am I engaged in their schooling? IE, you’ve told us, we call the teacher. But how much am I asking my kid, “How much homework do you have? What assignments do you have coming up?” At that age? Dr. Leman: Well, I think you are involved in your kid’s education K through three. But I think it’s really important that you set the parameters in your home that your son or daughter does the work. Kids are very, very good at saying things like, “Mommy, I don’t understand that.” And they’re working you. What they want you to do is simply do the work for them. For example, if you’re reading to a first grader, here’s an interesting thought I think, and first graders are just learning to read. And you’re reading a book with them, they are reading, and they come to a word, and they stop. The tendency as a parent is to just say the word. My suggestion is just wait silently and let the kid figure it out. And if the kid doesn’t figure it out, then jump in and say, “Okay. Let’s look at the first letter of that word. It’s a B, so it’s got a buh, or a B sound. What’s that second letter? That’s an O. Okay, you got bo, bo, B-O. What’s that third letter? That’s an A. Okay. So you got bo, boa, or bo, A. What’s the fourth letter? That’s a T. Okay. So you’ve got B-O-A-T. What’s the T sound, sound like? Ta, so you’ve got boa, oh, a boat. Good. Good job.” That’s what you call sounding it out. And you go on, but don’t be the parent that always is telling a kid a word. Let there be work in a kid learning to read. Let them feel the accomplishment. When a kid learns to read, that’s a big deal because that’s the key to every positive thing in education. So yeah, you are involved, and you give kids and opportunity. And have fun. I mean, I’ve told you this 100 times, but in our schools, we have a huge sign that says, “Leman Academy of Excellence, where learning is fun.” Learning ought to be fun. Andrea: So one of the things that we talk about a lot on this podcast is having kids have their own responsibility, and I totally get helping them learn to read and figure out their math or whatever. If they’re really struggling, how bad is it for a first through fifth grader to get bad grades? It’s not going to go on a transcript that goes to a community college or a university. Is it okay if my kid in elementary is getting grades that are below par for say, my satisfaction, and let them deal with the consequences that the school gives them because they have lower grades? Dr. Leman: Good question, Andrea. I would rather have the school teacher have the conversation with a third grader that says, “Melissa, I just finished up the grading, and you got a C. And I have to tell you, I’m very disappointed. I really don’t think you put the time and effort at home. Your homework looks like you just gave it a lick and a holler. It doesn’t look like you really put some time in it. I don’t think you’re going over your work and checking it. And I want you to know, I feel you can do a lot better than this. So your mom and dad will get the report card, and I’m not sure how they’re going to feel about it, but I just want you to know as a teacher, I don’t think you’re really giving your best effort. So I want to see improvement from you right away.” Kids will listen to a third party emotionally better than they will from their own mom and dad with situations like that. Andrea: You are reflecting a story from my life, actually, in third grade, when I got a C on my report card. And I tell you, I remember what my dad said, I remember how he responded and it wasn’t good. And I think if my teacher had that conversation with me more than my dad, and sure, I could see mom or dad saying, “I’m disappointed,” then the story for me going ahead would’ve been different. So I totally get what you’re saying and I appreciate what you’re saying. It does, that word you said, emotionally, can handle it better if it’s coming from a third party. It would’ve been a different story for me. Doug: So what about now if we jump up to the fifth grade through middle school? How much am I asking them, “How’s your assignments coming? How’s your workload coming?” All of that. Dr. Leman: I’m not big on asking kids questions, even the proverbial, “How was your day at school today?” Wait for the child. A child will tell you one way or another what’s going on in school. And you can read it in their eyes, you can read it by their posture, by their mood. Again, I wouldn’t start drilling a kid. I would email the teacher, or better, call the teacher and say, “Hey, is there anything going on in school with little James? He seems a little out of sorts.” And I’d approach it that way. Use that third person, parent, it’s so much better. Your kid’s going to say, “I have a mean teacher,” things like that. Well, okay, if you want to believe that, believe that. In all probability, if your kid says, “I got a mean teacher,” your kid probably has a good teacher who’s good at holding kids accountable. So go right to the horse and hear it from the horse’s mouth about what’s really happening in the classroom. Then you’re better prepared to have a conversation with your son or your daughter, with the guidance of what teacher has already told you. Doug: So then I would imagine, now if we go through the high school years, you would say same advice, just go right to the teacher. Don’t pester the kid about his grades. Dr. Leman: Yes. But keep in mind that if your kid is struggling in fifth and sixth grade, for example, think back, and they were probably struggling in second and third grade as well. These problems show up early, and that’s why, parent, if you see deficit learning in your kid as a kindergartner, a first grader, a third grader, I’ve told the story many times. Our youngest daughter repeated kindergarten. And I remember thinking, “I can’t believe what I just heard. This kid’s a smart little kid.” And she is smart as a whip. She’s a voracious reader today. She is a toy designer. She just got a huge raise with her nationally known company. She’s created things that are in three of the Disneylands, for example. She’s just very talented, but she did repeat kindergarten. We have conversations today. She’s 28 years old. And I say with tongue in cheek, “You were just dumb. We had to have you repeat it.” Now obviously, that was just a joke. But we followed the advice of the teacher. I’ve written lots of books about kids. There was very much a part of me that says, “This is hogwash. This kid is, she’s like an only child.” Did I ever tell you the story about freeze tag? She was playing freeze tag, and she froze. And of course, the rules are that somebody has to unfreeze you. Well, we get a call from the school, rather panicky. They can’t find Lauren. She’s a kindergartner, and they can’t find your kid. Well, all of a sudden, just a few minutes later, we get a call back, “Oh, we found her. She was frozen way out the end of the playground.” Well, rules are rules. I mean, that’s the way that kid is. Doug: Oh, that’s [inaudible]. That’s awesome. Well, we really hope this has helped you parents figure out how to help out with the school years. Andrea: And maybe to relax a little bit right now. And I love what Dr. Leman said about taking your time for your family to do something fun together. Doug: Right. Call the teacher. Read to the kids. It’s less, not more in certain cases. But you’re right, go to the teacher is the A, number one way, or find that tutor. Helping us quite a bit in our household to have a tutor. Well, we really hope this helps you parents as you are navigating this crazy world of education right now, that’s got all sorts of twists and turns and new challenges, to be able to love those kids more and more, as you try and parent them. We look forward to the next time we get to be with you. Andrea: Have a good week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My mother-in-law told my kid that I should be doing more.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.   Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Could you imagine if your 11-year-old daughter walked up to you and said, “I have been informed by my grandmother that I no longer need to do as much around here. And, I’m supposed to do less and you’re supposed to do more.” Well, that’s the question that somebody called in and asked, and we get to ask Dr. Leman, how would you respond to that? Hi, Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And, we are really, really glad that you are with us today. If this is your first time with us, want to let you know this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, let’s hear this caller’s question for Dr. Leman. Call In Questio…: Good morning, Dr. Kevin Leman. Thank you so much for taking my call. I’m a big fan of your books, and recommend them, and buy them for many of my friends and family. This morning, I am calling because of my 11-year-old daughter who is growing quite an attitude. At first, I assumed it was hormones, but the other day I had enough forethought to be able to get a conversation going with her. She informed me her nana, my mother-in-law, told her that if I loved her, I would be making her breakfast and lunch, and not giving her so many chores. And, that I was failing as a mother on that aspect. We talked for a bit and she remembered that I stopped making her breakfast and lunch when she stopped wanting to eat what I made her. I make a vast dinner, but breakfast and lunch is up to my kids. All four of them will make various foods that they have been trained to make. I was later informed by my husband that my mother-in-law went to my husband and told him that I need to be giving my kids more chores. I’m not quite sure how to handle that due to the fact that my mother-in-law and I have not been on speaking terms for two years after she tried getting us to divorce. I would appreciate your help, thank you. Dr. Leman: Oh, my goodness. Oh, where did we start? I’m making notes. Well, you don’t have a kid problem, okay. Your 11-year-old girl is fine, she’s just being 11. And you’re right, a lot of what’s going on with 11 year old is probably hormonal, because whatever she receives from people, whether it’s mother-in-law, you, dad or whatever, she’s still 11 year old. So, read a Planet Middle School or have a New Teenager by Friday, both of those books will be of help to you and how to respond to that daughter. But, I want to talk about this mother-in-law. I would find a way of telling her she should call Dr. Laura. I would love to hear Dr. Laura take apart your mother-in-law. I mean, she got to be nutso, okay. That’s a psychological term. Nutso, look it up, N-U-T-S-O. And, she wants her son to divorce you. There’s a little something suspect about that. That person is a poison person in your life, in your husband’s life, and in your 11-year-old daughter’s life. I want you to hear what I’m saying. This kid’s grandmother is poison to the family. She is poisoning the well, she is stirring things up, and I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband on this one. And, he has to make a decision, “Hey, do you need mommy’s constant agitation, masters love? Or, do you want me as your wife, and you want your 11-year-old to really appreciate you for being the dad you are?” I think that conversation takes place, and that might really be frightening. Not only for you, but really frightening for your husband, because you’re talking about his mom. And, everything in him says, “Respect your mom.” It says, “Honor your father and mother.” Let me tell you something about honoring your father and mother, it says, “Children honor your father and mother.” It doesn’t say, “Adult children who have children, honor your father and mother.” There are certain situations where you leave and you cleave, and now your first priority, dad, is not your mommy.” Your first priority is to your wife, and then your daughter in that order. So, I’d love to know at our resident psychologist farmers in disguise from the great State of Oregon would think of that suggestion. Doug: Well, the follow-up question I would have for you is I think he’s going to say, “Well, honey, I think there’s some validity to what my mom is saying. And, I think we should listen to parts of what her advice is.” Andrea: Right, and she told him that the wife should give the kids more chores, but she told the daughter- Doug: Can we wait on that? I think that’s a side point. Andrea: Oh, well, I’m trying to understand the scenario. Dr. Leman: Well, there’s two different issues, I get it. But, the big issue is mother-in-law telling her son that… Or in this case, mom telling her son that you need to divorce her. To me, the caller sounded like a sane mom who’s tried to follow through. She said, “I stopped making her meals when she refused to eat what I prepared for dinner. Fine, then fix your own meals.” And, that’s right out of my book, I’m not going to disagree with that. 11-year-old thinks she’s the queen of the Hill, and maybe she is and fine. Going to the Hill, make yourself whatever you want. There’s food in the refrigerator, we’re not locking it up. I’m just saying, I’m not preparing food for you to have you say, “I don’t want that.” Well, you fix your own. That’s keeping the tennis ball of life on the right side of the court. Doug: If this wife doesn’t stand up to him, how’s this going to play out, you think? Dr. Leman: If the wife doesn’t stand up to him, the wife is going to continue to get turned off. The marriage is going to go downhill, and everybody’s going to pay. Mom’s going to pay, dad’s going to pay, and 11-year-old is going to pay. And, guess who wins? Guess who wins? The controlling, nosy mother-in-law. Like I said, I’d love to hear what Dr. Laura would say to her. Ever listened to Dr. Laura? She’s actually a physiologist, she’s really not a psychologist or anything like that. But, she rips these women, “Oh, Dr. Laura, it’s just such a privilege to talk to you.” And 30 seconds later, Laura has taken out her carving knife, and carved the caller in about nine pieces. Doug: I can’t believe some of the people call in to ask [crosstalk]- Dr. Leman: I can’t either, I can’t [crosstalk]- Doug: … [crosstalk]for it on that one. So Andrea, to your point, the mother-in-law told the daughter, “you should do less.” And, I think she misspoke when she said, “And, the mother-in-law told the father that the kids should do more.” So, I think she meant to say less. I think it’s kind of a side issue, but she’s pointing out that the mother-in-law’s going to the father talking about the kids, not to her. Telling the kids, “Do this.” She’s just putting seeds of distrust, and poisoning [crosstalk]. Dr. Leman: Yeah, she’s poisoning, she’s planting seeds of discord. So, I don’t know, I would stay away from that lady. Andrea: And whatever way it is, it’s divisive, right. And, she’s going to everybody and [crosstalk]- Dr. Leman: Yeah, what you have there, you got Trump and Pelosi in a bag and shaking it up for a good measure. Doug: Well, in our own circle, we have seen a mother-in-law that wasn’t quite this bad, but was kind of poisonous. And, when the couple came together, and the husband actually told his own mom, “Mom, you’re not invited until you get your act together and can respect my wife.” The mother got so mad that she left for like two or three years. He thought she had the right to stick her nose into their business, but eventually it was really interesting. I think missing the grandkids made her calm down enough that she realized she couldn’t do it. And, the father-in-law in this case stepped up and said, “We have to change if we want to see our kids.” But, it turned out great, and now it’s wonderful. So, I would say if you’re in this situation and you’re the wife, and it’s scary to do this, you’d need to do this here. As we’ve seen the results, haven’t we, Andrea? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative), yep. Doug: And, do you feel really loving when I choose my mother over you? Is that just one of the cockles of your heart? Andrea: No. Doug: So, Dr. Leman I have a quick story for you that sort of relates to this. This is how bad my life is, my wife has only been wrong once or twice in our entire marriage, and I’m sure. And, I went to my mother, because I was like, “Mom, can you believe Andrea did X, Y, and Z?” Do you know what my wife mother-in-law, formerly known as my mother said? She said, “Well, honey, I love you, but you probably caused it. You’re wrong, she’s right.” My mom has never taken my side with anything with my wife. Andrea: Never ever. Doug: She never has, has she? Dr. Leman: Yeah, that’s a smart lady. Andrea: And, she still brings all that candy around for the kids. Doug: They hate this crime in the Terpening house, candy. Dr. Leman: Oh, well I think we solved the problem. Doug: Well, okay. I’m going to make sure I just get this in. So, Baker Books is offering you guys a great ebook, Have a New Sex Life by Friday. Boy, these two need to read it for a dollar ninety nine between now and the end of March of 2021, wherever eBooks are sold. Andrea: We have a review from Rita, it says, “If you buy this book, be prepared to make personal changes in your marriage.” Doug: Yeah, well we know someone who needs to get some personal changes in the marriage, this caller and this book will help you with more than just sex. So, go get this book wherever you buy eBooks between now and the end of March of 2021. And, now a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Today’s college expenses are absolutely out of this world. I don’t know how anybody affords to send their kids to college. Years ago, well, a generation ago or so, it was probably the advice of what Dr. Kevin Leman to let kids absorb that cost by themselves. There’s something to be said for that, but today’s college tuition at many universities, 50, 60, $70,000 a year. Wow, how do you do that? Well, number one, before we go into the big debt thing, consider a community college for the first two years. Most students who go to college could profit to your experience. As far as taking out loans, parents, it’s on you. If you want to bear that burden, you go right ahead. I think there’s something very healthy about the son or the daughter signing up and taking out loans. So, you help them, I helped all my kids, all five kids. But, times have changed, it’s very, very expensive. So, have a good conversation with your kids. If they’re appreciative of your effort, that would encourage me to be more helpful to them. Good luck. Andrea: So, should this mom say anything to her 11-year-old about how she is choosing to respond to the mother-in-law? Dr. Leman: No, I don’t think so. I think you just do that on the QT, and grandma might disappear from that kid’s life for a while, and she’s probably going to contact her. And of course, the poison pusher is going to say something very unpleasant, about 11-year-old’s mom. And, 11-year-old is going to see a little different side of grandma, and 11-year-old’s not real happy with mom to begin with, so she might buy into some of it too, but- Andrea: Doesn’t that make the situation worse so for this caller? Dr. Leman: It does, it does. See, when I say we’ve solved the problem, what I mean is we’ve given mom in this case a means of telling her husband, “Hey, you got a choice to make here, Charlie.” Because, this situation is clearly on the husband shoulders. He’s the one that has to stand up, and defend his wife and his family from his mother. If he’s not man enough to do that, all bets are off, okay. So, it all starts with him, but yes the 11-year-old kid, she’s going to feel like she’s a chicken, wings being pulled each way. It’s not healthy for kids, but when you have an unhealthy adult around a young kid, there’s going to be a consequence for the 11-year-old. Doug: When the husband finally gets enough guts to go talk to his mom, does he take his wife so that they’re shoulder to shoulder? Or is it like, “You go talk by yourself, buddy.” Dr. Leman: No, I think wife, shoulder to shoulder is the best talk. Mom, doesn’t have to say a word. Her duty, so to speak, is you stand next to her husband. See, with powerful people, let me… With a powerful kid, for example, if you’re not shoulder to shoulder as parents, you’re not on the same page, that kid will chase you up one side and down the other. You’re not going to get anywhere with that kid. So, you have to be on the same page, psychological, you got to be shoulder to shoulder and if you’re not, you’re defeated. Doug: And, your encouragement to the girl that called in is, she needs to stand firm to her husband and make it super clear that this is going to just poisoning their marriage and their family. Dr. Leman: Right, and she has to reaffirm her love for her husband. I mean, she sounds like a good mom to me. She doesn’t sound like a bad mom or a nutso one. Doug: Any advice you’d have for her ad the wife stands up to her husband and tells him, “You got to do this.” You have a perfect example of it from this weekend, right. Oh, Dr. Leman I was such a jerk to Andrea this weekend, you wouldn’t believe it. Dr. Leman: She probably deserved it. Doug: No, she did not. Dr. Leman: I’m just kidding. Doug: Well, I called my mother and said, “Mom, Andrea did this, isn’t she wrong?” And my mom said, “No, go apologize.” Dr. Leman: Yeah, there you go. Doug: Andrea stood up to me very clearly, and strongly, and directly in love, and she was right. And, it made me kind of pull up short, and realize I had to [inaudible] it. So, it’s not bad for wives to… Especially, the time to realize their wrong. Andrea: Yeah, I think it’s worth it, and I think it’s scary. And, I think doing it in love and not attacking is the best way to go. You can’t be pointing fingers. Talk about how it makes you feel. Doug: Yep. Well, thank you caller for calling in, anything else Dr. Leman before we wrap up? Dr. Leman: I would suggest to people who enjoy our podcast to tell your friends about it. We know there’s a growing number. We have people that join us who say, “I never heard of this fat little guy before.” And, I’m thinking, “How did that happen?” But, it happens. And, we like to have fun, and we try to be helpful and we know you enjoy it, so help spread the word for us. Appreciate it. Doug: Well, and we appreciate you guys listening and being a part of this, and we do it so that you can love those kids more and more. And in this case, even your spouses so that parenting gets easier for you. Well, it was great to be with you, look forward to next time. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Have a great night. Andrea: And, I hope that that goes well for you, caller. Doug: Yes, yes we’d love to know how it went. We’d love to know how it went. Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye-bye.

Failure is an essential part of life and it’s a reality your kid will need to face. Find out more about how you can help your kid through their failures on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Wow, I totally blew that. I think I’ll never be anything. Wait a second. I didn’t make the basketball team? That’s it. It’s over for me. I’ll never amount to anything. The question we get to ask Dr. Leman today is, when is failure final, or is failure final? How do we know it? How do we deal with failure in our kid’s life? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And we are really, really glad that you are with us today. If this is your first time here, welcome. Really glad that you get to be with us. This is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. So Dr. Leman, when is failure bad for our kids and what about this stupid phrase that failure is not final? How do we deal with it in our small kids and our teenage kids? Dr. Leman: Well for parents, number one, your kid’s failure is a death blow. Let’s face it. Parents go way out of their way to keep their kids happy at every turn. I think I have in my book, I framed it failure isn’t fatal. Here’s a thought for us to think about this morning, is when you talk to someone who’s very, very successful and you ask them the question, how much failure was in their life, they will tell you surprisingly, a lot of failure. So there isn’t a safer place, and this comes from the book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, which is a million plus seller by the way, by me, and been around for a long time. But there’s not a safer place for your child to fail, parents, than in your home. Dr. Leman: Now my question is, when they do fail in the home, how do you respond to that failure? That’s the key, because kids need to learn that life isn’t perfect, that you get curve balls. They learn that from mom and dad. Kids love stories. I’ve always encouraged parents to make up, fabricate based on some truth, a story about your life, and share some of the failures in your life. Kids learn through stories. They love to see that mommy and daddy goofed up or they made a mistake, but you’ve got to tie it together so there’s a happy ending, where mom or dad was wrong, they got very angry, they did something bad, but later on, they made up with her sister, their brother, their mother, their father, their grandfather, whatever it is. Those are little teachable moments, I think. So yeah, I hope there’s failure in your life. Dr. Leman: I was doing a PD the other day, a professional development for teachers, and I made the point about the teacher I really love is the teacher that says, “You know what, I’m lost. I need some help.” That’s the teacher that I can deal with. That’s the teacher that we can help. That’s the teacher who can learn to be a better teacher. The teacher I get skittish about is a teacher who says, “Oh, I got it. This is simple.” That’s the one I worry about. So life’s a learning process and we should expect failure, but it’s how you handle that failure that’s important. Dr. Leman: I know as a kid, Doug you mentioned, I got cut from the basketball team. And I still remember, you’ve heard this story, I think, going up to my junior varsity basketball coach and said, “Mr. Parr, you skipped over my name,” because he had just read the guys that made the team. And he said, as only a tender-hearted man could say, “I didn’t skip it, Leman. You got cut.” I grabbed my clothes from my locker, ran home. This was in Buffalo, New York in the winter time, November. And cried all the way home. I was 15 years old. Andrea: How did you deal with it? And how did your mom process that with you? Because you said, “See how we handle it.” Dr. Leman: I didn’t deal with it well. I avoided school. I used to cut school a lot. I did some of my winter sports after school. I started to run with a little different crowd, because all these guys that were on the basketball team, well two of them were my two best friends as a kid growing up. So it put a chasm in friendships for me because these guys were at basketball practice after school and I was walking home by myself, where it used to be the three of us, we’d walk home, and that would be after basketball practice. So, I dealt with it like a lot of 15 year olds would deal with stuff. I told myself I was better than this guy. And this guy, in retrospect as an adult, I think he cut me because I was always fooling around and he probably had enough of my fooling around and said, “You know what? He’s not serious enough to become a ballplayer.” Because I had played up until then. I played on a freshman team as a seventh grader, which meant I was pretty good, but it caught up to me. Dr. Leman: And my parents always had my back. They just always did. My mother was probably, “Oh honey, it’ll be okay.” Well, how do you know it’s going to be okay, mom? But that’s sort of her. That was her mantra in life, everything’s going to be okay. But she was an encourager. I never doubted for a moment that I was loved and cared for. We were a very poor family. We didn’t have much in terms of things, that’s for sure. Doug: So Dr. Leman, you already referenced this, that today we’re all about making sure our children don’t fail. So you’re not painting a picture after you’re being cut from the basketball team to give parents like, “Oh, great. Then I don’t have to worry about my kid failing.” You’re ramping up the meter of like, well, I can never let them be cut from the basketball team because then they’ll become like Dr. Leman, and we don’t want that. Dr. Leman: Yeah. That just triggered a memory, Doug. I was talking about doing my winter sports, which is true, but I found out that there was still time to try out for the bowling team. The bowling team. So I’ll get in trouble for saying this. So I stooped to that level and I showed up and I was just in the nick of time to try out. And I tried out, I got caught from that. That was a bad year. That just was too many bad things happening. But again, life goes on. You’re right, Doug. Parents want their kid to be successful at everything. They push them. And when you push kids, usually the kids dig in and situation’s going to get worse. So how you emotionally handle your kid’s failure will determine, in essence how your kid is going to handle that eventually. Dr. Leman: Like I say, when a kid throws a temper tantrum, what do you do? You step over the child. Well, psychologically parent, are you able to step over the hurtful thing that just happened to your son or your daughter where there was failure in spades? Can you just roll with it? Honey, I understand. I know it’s a huge thing to you and I’ve got to tell you, I hurt for you. And in all honesty, I’ve got to tell you, it’s not the biggest thing in the world as I see it, but I’m not you. And so that would be my way of talking my kid down from this, it’s the end of the world because this happened. Doug: So here’s armchair psychologist, Doug Terpening. One of the things that Mrs. Terpening and I recognized here recently because of something in our kids’ lives, is that we are those parents that are trying to protect our kids from any pain at all. We don’t want them to experience any kind of setback or failure. And then I realized, oh my gosh, this is so prevalent. I wasn’t able to see it, even though you’ve said it multiple times. What bad thing am I doing to my kids by not allowing them to experience hurts and failures now? Dr. Leman: Well, in a word you’re stifling their development. You’ve heard me use the term psychological muscles. Kids build psychological muscles and resiliency by facing things that aren’t fun to face. The bumps and bruises of life are going to come along, so don’t make them worse. Your kid needs that psychological vaccination that helps them minimize the flu that’s coming, or whatever. There’s a way of softening life. No parent gets up in the morning and says, “Oh, I sure hope my kid hurts today.” There’s not a kid on the planet that does it, but there’s all kinds of parents who what? Hurt their kids every day through words of discouragement or criticism. If a kid learns criticism, he learns to condemn other people, and then he turns that condemnation on himself and he doesn’t see himself as worthy. Dr. Leman: So, we’re the captain of the ship. We have to remember, as the captain of the good ship family, you have to have a port of call. You have to know where you’re going, and you know where you’re going because of the values that you hold close in your life. That’s what the kids are going to catch. They’re going to catch your values. They’re going to hear your words. Words can make a difference, but do your actions match up to your words? You can’t fool kids. Doug: So Andrea, you’re the resident mom here. You see that your kid is about to have a failure and get really hurt. Can you let it happen, or is there something within you that you just have to step in, have to tell them, have to push them? We have a kid taking an online college class right now. If you saw that they were going to fail on that, could you just let them fail? Andrea: Well, it depends on what you’re asking me to do. I mean, if you’re asking me to do his homework, no, I’m not going to do his homework. If you’re asking me to check with him and make sure he’s getting stuff turned in on time, well yeah, there’s probably a tendency to follow up with him and push that a little. Well actually I realize- Dr. Leman: How do you do that? How do you check on your kid keeping up with school? Andrea: You ask them, when is it due? I mean, you’re constantly on them. You’re checking, hey, what’s on the calendar? Do you have a calendar? What’s the schedule? When is this due? That’s what you do. Dr. Leman: Well, most families don’t have calendars. Andrea: Oh, well. Dr. Leman: So what I’m suggesting is rather than probe into your kid, pick up your cell phone, make a phone appointment with that teacher and say, “Hey, could I just ask you how my son is doing? Would you mind checking back with me if homework doesn’t appear on time or anything like that? Would that be too much to ask of you?” Build a relationship with significant people in your child’s life. You don’t always have to run through your child. Do it on the QT, so your kid doesn’t feel like you’re hanging over his shoulder, watching his every move. Actually you are, but you’re doing it so smartly, he doesn’t know it. Doug: So, this I think is a big topic and then we’ll do the ebook, Andrea. Maybe it’s just because it’s just recently come up in our family, is that I am creating soft children who don’t know how to deal with hard things because life has been so easy for them. And now that they’re starting to go out there, I’m noticing like, well in certain areas they can deal with it, but in a ton of areas, we didn’t allow them to get “enough hurts” to build up those muscles to do it. So, what are we doing long-term to our children when they get to 25 and 30, if we’re not allowing them to have some of those failures and have to process it without us fixing it or just making it go away? Dr. Leman: Well you’re creating in your child, to answer your question, recurrent thoughts of self-doubt, of I’m a failure, I’m never going to amount to anything. All those negative tapes will be playing in your kid’s head if that’s what you’ve done. And that’s why it’s important. We’ve often said on this podcast, a three-year old can help unload the dishwasher. So you start young. You start, young parents, by making sure your son or daughter does their due diligence in terms of taking care of your apartment or your home, doing such mundane things as cleaning bathrooms and picking up after themselves. And it ought to be just a routine part of growing up. If you want a responsible child, you give your child what? Hugs and kisses. No, you give them responsibility. This isn’t rocket science. Nothing we’re talking about today is terribly complicated. You don’t need a PhD in anything to figure this out, but you have to allow kids to fail, to explore the world around them. Dr. Leman: Those kids are going to develop their own interests. Any parent that’s got four kids will tell you that, yeah, there’s some similarities between this one and this one, and this one gets along with this one more than those two get along with each other, but by and large, take a look at who they are and you created four very different people. So, that’s the way it is. I’m the guy that wrote The Birth Order Book, and I’m here to tell you the first born turns left and then the second born turns right. They’re going to be different, opposite. Andrea: Just talking about this makes me think of a little example here in our house, where I had to let go, and I think that’s the key for us as parents, is we have to let go and let things fail and not go the way we wanted. This summer, our kids wanted to grow some squash and pumpkins in a different area, and I’ve always grown it by the garden and I’ve tended it and I’ve made sure I get my pie pumpkins and my squash for the winter. And they had cleared this other area and they were determined, we want to grow our pumpkins and squash. And I just had to bite my tongue. I thought, well, maybe I’ll plant a few in my garden so I know I have some, but I didn’t really have space. So I thought, okay, I’ll let them do this. Andrea: I think I got three squash, and the pumpkins did all right, but it was a weedy mess full of blackberries and thistles. And I just kept telling myself all summer, you can buy these at the store this winter. But it was good because the kids got to have that failure and the hard part for me, and this is why I’m saying this story, is because for us as moms and parents, sometimes we have to let go and let them try things, knowing that it’s going down as a failure. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Well, biting your tongue is hard to do as a mom especially. There are some differences in moms and dads. You women do live differently than us men. We see the same stimuli in different parts of our brains light up. So these differences that appear are opportunities for us just to realize that, hey, I treat my kids differently because they’re not the same. They have to learn. I don’t have to jump in and give them an answer. They can figure it out. And when they do figure it out, inside of them they’re saying, “Hey, I can do that.” A little two-year-old or three-year-old will say, “I’ll do it. Me. I want to do it. I want to do it.” Well, let them do it. And when they’re over their head and they’re doing something that a six-year-old should be doing and not a three-year-old, they’re going to fail. Dr. Leman: And when they come to you with the object in hand for you to fix it or make it right, you make it right without editorial comment, and the kid learns in a very natural way that they have boundaries, that adults can be helpful, but you don’t have to overdo it. Oh, please let mommy help. I can fix it. You know, just wait. It’ll come naturally to you sooner or later. Doug: Well, let me get the ebook opportunity for you guys. It’s Have a New Sex Life by Friday for 1.99 between now and March 31st of 2021, wherever ebooks are sold. Andrea: Yep. And Shorty says her review, “My husband and I loved this book. It has helped us to solve communication issues by bringing us on the same page. Love Dr. Leman’s writing style and sense of humor.” Doug: How could this book help with communication? It’s about sex. Dr. Leman: Yeah. I wonder if I should have called that book, Have Sex by Friday. Oh, there goes that [inaudible] Leman mind again. Doug: Go wherever ebooks are sold. And now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: You know, in today’s age of working parents, one of the questions I get asked a lot is, hey, at what age can I leave my eldest child in charge of the others while I run to the store or have a doctor’s appointment or whatever? Maturity’s and the interesting thing. It’s a slippery slope. But I think sometime between the ages of 10, 11, and 12 is a perfect time to delegate responsibility to a son or daughter. Some of you right now are gasping. Don’t gasp. Just make sure your son or daughter has a way of contacting you. Keep your cell phone on, and hopefully you won’t get the call. If you want to raise a responsible child, learn to grant responsibility early in their life. It works. Andrea: So what we’re talking about today is that failure is not final. So what does that mean? Just going back to that saying, if it’s not final, what do I have to look forward to? What’s the hope for- Dr. Leman: Here’s the thing Andrew, I’d like people to think about. Who is the person that had your back forever, no matter what? Who was the person in your life who loved you just the way you were? Now if you’d all put your fingers up as you’re listening to the podcast, if you look at your own hand, you’ll see you have two fingers up or three fingers up, in all probability. Yeah, some of you have four, some of you have five. Not many of you have more than five. Very, very few. What I’m getting at is that take a kid like Kevin Leman, who got thrown out of Cub Scouts, got thrown out of college, failed algebra so many times, failed Latin. Couldn’t get in college, was a janitor when he met his wife. And I would say that I’ve been pretty successful. I think most people would say, “That little fat guy’s done okay for himself.” Dr. Leman: I failed. I failed everything. My elementary algebra final exam as a freshman was 22 on the final. I mean, I was dumb as a rock. I wasn’t doing anything. Well, what made the difference? The old Kenny Rogers song, She Believed in Me. When you have people who believe in you and have your back and encourage you in a loving way, there’s no stopping. And that’s why I say failure isn’t fatal. It certainly wasn’t in my life. I had failure written all over. And I’ve tried to encourage people. I love the underdog. I love to see people who shouldn’t make it in life. And when you look at those people’s lives, you’ll see those key people who had such great belief and optimism for your future surrounded with love. That’s the prescription for taking someone who failed and turning them into a winner. Dr. Leman: In a spiritual sense for those who don’t know God the father, through his son, Jesus Christ, I mean, are you a failure? Eternally, you’re a failure? So there are spiritual things that … and certainly it was part of my life. I mean, I came to know the Lord when I was 21 years of age and I was brought to church, dragged to church, knew all those Bibles stories. And until I had a personal relationship with my maker, did my life change. And then God gave me motivation. I don’t think I gave myself motivation. I think that was a spiritual gift from God. He said, “You can do this.” And I remember getting my first really good grades in my life and looking at the report card and saying my name out loud to myself and like, yeah, that’s actually your report card. Wow. All A’s and one B. Wow. Dr. Leman: We talk here on our podcasts about life in general. We try not to beat people over the head from a spiritual sense, but hey friend, God created the universe. He created you and me. There was a master designer. There’s a reason why our eyes are so complex, why our brain is the way it is, why that moon is just exactly in the right position, why our earth access is exactly at the right position. Move it one degree either way and we’re done. So to God be the glory. He is the creator. Now if you personally don’t believe in God, believe what you want. I’m not telling you what to believe, but I am sharing what I believe, and Doug and Andrea believe as well. I should have been a pastor maybe. Huh? Doug: I don’t think so. Andrea: I think you’re doing the right thing. Doug: I think you went the right way, yeah. Well, we really hope that this helped all of you as you’re trying to deal with your kids’ failure and what should you do and what should you not do. We absolutely love being with you. We just think it’s great that you’re willing to hang out with us and add to your parenting toolbox so you can love those kiddos more and more. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: We look forward to next time. Bye, bye. Andrea: Bye.

It’s time for another Ask Dr. Leman: “My kid’s tantrums disrupt the whole family.” Listen in to find out Dr. Leman’s response on this episode of Have a New Kid by Friday Podcast.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Today’s question is about a kid that is so loud in their tantrums that it disrupts the entire family. And the devious side of me would love to watch that. I mean, that kid must be so loud. But that’s the question that Tina asked today. “What do you do about tantrums that are so loud that we can’t function as a family?” And we get to hear Dr. Leman’s answer. Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: I’m Andrea. Doug: And I would love to be that loud, disruptive kid someday. That would be so much fun. But if this happens to be your first time with us, we are so glad that you’re here. And we want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. Well, shall we hear Tina’s question? Here we go. Tina: Dr. Leman, how can we handle a powerful child who is loud? His sheer volume disrupts the family life every day and we can’t make him be quiet? Dr. Leman: Okay. Well, I love the question because it gives us a chance to review some things that every parent ought to know about kids’ behavior. First of all, my latest book is entitled Why Kids Misbehave and What to Do About It. If you noticed in Tina’s question, she’s already diagnosed her child as what? Do you remember? The word she used was powerful. So all kids start off in life as attention getters. And that attention can come in two forms. It can come positively, or it can come in negative form. But it’s still attention. Now when a kid gets discouraged, for whatever reason, they migrate, so to speak, to another level. In this case, they go from attention getting to power. So one of the ways that we know that a kid can quote, make you pay attention. Now, notice, she said that she knows we can’t make him be quiet. That’s true. I wrote the book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. Well, can you really make children mind? No, you can’t make a child mind. But you can set up circumstances where a kid figures out, “I’m minding ahead to behave.” So with that as a prelude, let’s talk about temper tantrums. And a term that we’ve used on this podcast, I like to use it because nobody ever uses the word. You don’t hear the word, it’s called purposive. It’s a psychological term that says your child’s behavior, namely throwing a temper tantrum, serves a purpose; them being extra loud, serves a purpose. Well, what’s the purpose of nature of that? Again, keep in mind, the powerful child says, “I only count when I dominate, when I win, when I control, when I’m the boss.” So that being said, “Okay, Leman, I got it. I got that little short mini instruction. My question is, and it goes to your book, what do I do about it?” Well, a hermit would never be a hermit and enjoy being a hermit unless he had a society to hermit from. Think about that for a moment. So one of the things you need to do with this kid is you need to remove the audience. Or better yet, remove the child from the scene. And that’s a classic example that comes out of the book, Have a New Kid by Friday. So as soon as you remove the child from the scene, there’s no longer an audience which feeds the negative behavior. So she didn’t say how old the child was, I wish we had that information. But if the child is a little guy, I’d take him by the arm and I’d put them in their room and I’d close the door. And that child would stay in that room until they quiet down, until the explosion of emotions has come to a dead halt. Then I would open the door slowly. I always say slowly, because depending upon the age of the kid, he might be on the floor with their blankie clutched under their arm. You don’t want to rearrange their nose by opening that door too quickly. And just simply say, “Are you ready to join us now?” So that’s one thing. Depending upon where you live, this is February, I know it’s winter, but February in Tucson is beautiful. No problem in putting a kid outside, removing them physically from the scene. So there are ways. And notice that lots of times these incidents happen when you’re in the car, on the interstate. “What do you do, Leman? Drop him off in the outside lane?” No. Notice how the powerful child knows the situations where he or she has you over the barrel and you are on the freeway and you’re a half hour from home. “What do you do then, old smart guy Leman?” Well, as soon as you pull in the driveway, you proceed. You take that child by the arm and you place them somewhere where they’re distant from the rest of us. Then on top of that, you apply some vitamin N, which is, “No.” So the very next thing that child asks for, and kids are always asking for things or favors, the answer is, “No. Mommy doesn’t feel like helping you right now. Mommy doesn’t feel like letting you go next door. Mommy doesn’t feel like getting you a glass of orange juice now.” And so you have to show the child that you are very unhappy. Now keep in mind, I’m always telling parents that these kids actually want to please you. Now you’ve taken away their ability to please you because you’re telling them, “I’m upset with your behavior.” You’re giving them the psychological cold shoulder. “Well, isn’t that going to damage their psyche for life?” Lady, you’ve been reading the wrong person’s books for too long. No, you’re going to show them what I call reality discipline. And if you want to train up your child, you want your child to start going in a different direction, you read those books step by step, follow through, use action and very few words and you’re going to have a new kid by Friday on your hands. So for openers, that’s how I would view that situation, Doug and Andrea. Doug: So purpose of behavior was one of the best phrases that we’ve got from you that has really helped us frame why our kids are doing that. So do you mind just giving us just a little bit more information on what that is? Dr. Leman: Yeah. So in other words, you know that this kid is powerful, just like our lady who just asked that question, Tina. She knows that kid’s a powerful child. And so a conversation with a kid is, “You know, honey, I could be wrong on this…” Now notice I’m not saying, “I’m right and I got all the answers in my back pocket.” “… I might be wrong on this, but it seems to me your behavior is really telling us that you are in authority over us. Could that be right?” And the kid won’t know what to say to you, quite frankly. They’re not going to say, “Yes.” Number one. They’re going to stammer. But you’re beginning to reveal the psychological purpose of nature of the behavior. You’re taking the fun out of the kid being powerful. You’re taking the wind out of their sails. You’re deescalating as you explain to a child that you know what’s going on here. “I think you see life as you only count when you dominate, when you control, when you win. Could I be right? Well, let me just give you a little teaching on that. If that’s how you go through life, I feel sorry for you. People aren’t going to like people who always want to win, who want to control.” And by the way, ladies, you have a boy like that, he makes a lousy husband for a girl someday. So you’re helping your future daughter-in-law by setting your young sons straight when they’re young, instead of letting them grow into adulthood thinking that he is king and everybody else around them is a serf. So you talk psychologies to the kid, you’re using what I call psychological disclosure. You’re telling the kid that you know what’s going on. To the attention getter, “Seems to me, you’re saying you only count in life when you got everybody’s attention. Do you really think you can go through life like that, where you get everybody’s attention all the time? You don’t think people are going to be bored of you always getting the attention, nobody else gets any attention ever?” Those are the kind of questions you can ask a kid, which will, again, deflate their purpose of nature of their behavior. It’s all about self. And again, take a look where I’ve said it many times, parents today rear kids like they’re the what? Center of the universe. You want to set that on a different course, do some of the things we’re talking about right now, and you will cut a new path in life for your son or your daughter. Doug: If you are somebody hearing this for the first time, this can sound super harsh. You’re going to sit your kid down and you’re going to say, “Hey, I got the game plan on you here.” So just to give you real life, we’ve done this a couple of times with our kids. We’ve actually sat down, not in anger, because it’s really not, once I’m calm and said, “It appears to us that this is what’s going on around here.” And that has been some of the most effective parenting I have ever done. And you only have to do it once, at most twice to kids and they way more respect you because of it. And the other thing that you say that I think you’ve said so many times and I just go like, “Oh yeah, yeah whatever.” But now I’m like, “Oh yeah, now that I have a daughter that’s marriable age, it’s like at some point we do all have to grow up and stop being so selfish.” So this is a great way just to call it like it is and not be it that way. And you’re not hurting your kid’s psyche. That’s what I’m trying to say. [crosstalk]. Dr. Leman: Yeah, I appreciate what you just said, Doug. But if you’re one of those people that really think it’s too harsh, as Doug just said, here’s a suggestion; just do what you’re doing. Do it for another month. And I guarantee you there’ll be no change in behavior and you’ll be just as frustrated 30 days from today. Okay? After that 30 days, you know what you’re probably going to do? You’re going to look up this podcast again and you’re going to listen to every word and you’re going to start implementing it, in a few couple of days you’re going to see a huge difference. You want to throw that kid a curve ball. I like to say, you want to pull the rug out and let the little buzzard tumble. Blindside the little sucker. Let them see that mom and dad is no longer your man or woman servant in the home. That they’re going to expect some action on you to pull your weight and give back to the family, et cetera. It works, folks. Doug: And in our current environment, that sounds super harsh, super unloving and like, “My kid’s not going to attach to me.” Well at the last podcast you just said all five of your grown children are hanging out with you from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Our kids are all hanging out here at our house. And I got 21 year olds and 19 year olds that give me a hug every day. And I think I already said this once, my 21 year old came to me and said, “Dad, it’s been too long that you and I just got to hangout, and I just want to tell you what’s on my heart.” Like a hello? You get the opposite. You actually get to have great conversations with your kids. Dr. Leman: Yeah, that sounds like something out of the… What’s the name of that channel that always has those- Doug: Hallmark. Dr. Leman: Hallmark Channel, yeah. It sounds like one of those Hallmark movies. But isn’t it great to have a kid come in and say, “You know, I need some daddy time or some mommy time.”? Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: Steve Covey, who has left this earth by the way, died a couple of years ago, he said something so profound. I’ve stole it from him and used it many times. “You start with the end in mind, parents.” Start with the end in mind. What kind of a kid do you want at age 18 or 21? Do you want a responsible child? Then give him or her lots of responsibility, et cetera. So that’s a good clue from Steve. Doug: A lot of us as parents, when we’re brand new, we have no idea what we’re doing, which is why I’m doing this podcast for all of you to say, “Go read these books.” I don’t care which one you read, to be honest. But there are some that we could point you to and say Making Children Mind without Losing Yours, Have a New Kid by Friday, and Birth Order book, start there and you will be so blessed to have a framework on how to raise your kids. Okay, I’m going to do the ebook. Andrea’s pointing at it again. And then I have a question for you, one more question for you, Dr. Leman. The ebook today is Have a New Sex Life by Friday for a buck 99 between now and the end of March of 2021, wherever ebooks are sold. Andrea, do you have anything for us? Andrea: I have a review from Amazon, no name. “We’re having to go back and correct our behavior. Great book for couples that can be open to discuss their relationship.” Doug: Awesome. And the reason that I think this is a great book, one of my personal opinions is that if you screw up your marriage, it’s going to make parenting way harder. And all you single moms, I respect you so much that you’re doing it. So we’ll add to that parenting toolbox by helping you even with your marriage. And now, a no nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: When a kid says somebody’s been mean, they referring to their teacher, I always chuckle and laugh; show me a mean teacher and I’ll show you a good teacher who demands structure and accomplishment from their students. But today’s kids are mean. Well, why are kids mean? Kids are mean because they don’t feel good about themselves. It’s their way of saying, “If I put somebody else down and I’m snarky and I make fun of them or whatever, somehow it’s going to make me feel better.” One of the things I’ve told our scholars in our school is, “Hey, when somebody really gets snarky with you, nasty with you, just look at him and say, ‘Wow, I didn’t realize you felt so bad about yourself.'” Parents, you could use the same line. Doug: All right, Dr. Leman, I want to go back to what you said earlier, that this is purpose of behavior to get our attention. Is this a cry for, “I just don’t feel like I get any attention from you. I don’t get any good attention from you.” Or is this just raw selfishness that, “I want to be the center of the universe.”? Which one is it? Dr. Leman: Well again, we’ve diagnosed the kid as a powerful kid. So apparently the attention getting attempt wasn’t satisfactory. And my guess would be that again, you said when we start out we don’t know what we’re doing as parents. Nothing could be truer than what you said, Doug. And what we try to do is over-correct, hover over a child, make too many decisions for them. The kid feels that pressure. They don’t like it. So they seek attention. But what they’re getting is negative attention because the parent’s been too involved in the kid’s life. So the kid then migrates to negative attention and from negative attention, then they just move forward into powerful behavior because they resent the parent being too controlling. So here’s the irony. The parent is too controlling when the kid is just starting out in life. And what problem develops just a couple of years later is the kid is what? His mantra in life is, “I only count in life when I dominate, when I win, when I control.” You see the connection there? Doug: Yeah. Dr. Leman: So it sort of flows together. And then, you take kids who feel like life has been hurtful. And of course, a lot of kids have had very hurtful situations. They feel hurt by life. Then their mantra becomes, “I only count in life when I strike out at other people.” And see in a democratic society, if you have the right to put me down and hurt me, then I have the right to strike out and hurt other people. And I just want people to see the continuity there, how it just flows together. As the situation gets worse, you can predict worst behavior in the kid. But notice the similarity between the parent being too controlling and the kid ending up a powerful child. You have taught, parent. You’ve taught the kid how to be a controlling domineering kid, because you were too overpowering as a parent. You didn’t let that kid learn through logical consequences, through life. You were there hovering over them, catching them before they fell. I mean, sometimes kids need to fall. Andrea: What age does that start at? Are you talking at two, we start letting them feel their consequences? Dr. Leman: I’m going to give you an answer that’s going to surprise people, Andrea. It starts in the first couple of weeks of a child’s life. Andrea: Oh. Dr. Leman: It means when you leave the baby with a babysitter and you go out for an evening by yourself. It starts with putting some distance between your child and yourself. You take care of your marriage first. Your marriage comes first, the kids comes in second. That’s hard to do as a young mom because these kids are totally dependent upon you. But you’ve got to cut yourself some slack or you’re going to end up with a husband who feels like he’s way out in left field and he feels like he’s playing second fiddle to the children every day of his life. And that creates bitterness and angry feelings. And then the cheap shots start coming and you two become more distant. The kid feels the dissonance between you and your husband and things slowly unravel into rebellion at the adult level and the kid level. So that’s why I said I think that answer would surprise you. Andrea: Yeah. Dr. Leman: It really does start with a commitment to be a couple, to realize the great place kids have in your home, a rightful place, but you need to assume that position of authority in the family or your kids are going to pay for it and so will you. Doug: To wrap this up, some of these concepts today sounds so out of left field with where we currently talk about raising kids. And yet the phrase I think you often say is, “If you want a different outcome, you have to act differently than everybody else around you.” That’s not how you say it, you say it much more eloquently. And it is proof that you do have to act differently to get a different result from your kids. And I’m telling you it’s so worth it. And the sooner you start this, the easier it gets. Our teenage years were the best years ever of parenting. So my encouragement, again, it’s why I’m doing this, is please go read the books for yourself, so that you have the confidence that you can do this and you can relax in your parenting and you’re not always on edge and you’re not having to try and figure out… It’s so much easier. And honestly, the truth is, by about age five, we were done raising our kids on the discipline side, and then it was just fun from there to be honest. Okay, enough. Please go buy the books for your sake, not for ours. Doesn’t help Andrea and I one iota. So please go do it. All right, Tina, thank you for the question. As always, you can go to birthorderguide.com/podcastquestion, and click there and leave your question. And we would love to answer it for you. Well we look forward to adding to your parenting toolbox so that you can love those kids a whole, whole bunch. Andrea: Thanks, Tina. And thank you, Dr. Leman. Have a great week. Doug: Have a great day. Bye-bye. Andrea: Bye-bye.

Are manners still important in this day and age? Dr. Leman discusses the importance of etiquette in your kid’s behavior.     Show Sponsored by Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Produced by Unmutable Transcript Doug: Johnny, put the napkin on your lap. No. No. Don’t stand on the chair. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. We don’t use our hands. We use our fork and our knife. Are you ever going to learn any manners around here? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman, should we teach our kids manners? Is it a good idea? And if so, how do we do it, and when do we start? Hi, I’m Doug Terpening. Andrea: And I’m Andrea. Doug: And I’m the one that has no manners at the table, and Andrea has perfect manners at the table. But if this is your first time with us, we’re so glad that you’re here. Want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help. So Dr. Leman, in your house, who has more manners? Is it you or is it Mrs. Uppington? Dr. Leman: Oh, Mrs. Uppington by a long shot. She’s always one of those people that says, “Thank you for asking.” And she’s a gift giver, so she gives gifts, physical gifts to people all the time, but she gives verbal gifts to people. She is always good at finding the best in people and commenting on that. I’m much more quiet than she is, believe it or not. In fact, most people who have a great sense of humor tend to be quiet. Comedians, they tell us, tend to be quiet. When the light goes on in a television studio or the microphone is switched on, it’s like all of a sudden I become a little different type of person. But teaching kids manners is important. In fact, all of our five kids have been home since before Thanksgiving. So with the pandemic, we have adult children who are working at home, and they have come from Chicago and from Los Angeles area here to Tucson where we live most of the year, and it’s a joy to have all five kids home. Well, we’ve got two grandchildren that are living under our roof with us, they’re four year old twins. And the other day asked little Olive, one of the four year olds, she wanted something and she said, “No, thank you, grandpa.” And I said to her, I said, “Wow, you know how to say, ‘No, thank you,’ that tells me that you’re really getting to be a big girl.” That was my exact counter to her. It’s really important that we try to reinforce. Keep in mind, and I’ve said this for years, that kids are always taking emotional, spiritual, behavioral notes from us. So to answer the question, how do you teach kids manners? You utilize manners in your talk, in your way of speaking to other people, and they catch the manners. Now for you young parents, if you want to have some fun, Doug had mentioned in the introduction about, “Use your fork, not your hands.” A lot of the manners that we teach kids are manners that we want them to learn regarding table manners. And one of the things we did with our kids, of course, that was years ago, we played the penny game. Now I call it the quarter game, and you start dinner by giving everybody four quarters. So if you have three kids, you’re out $3 in quarters right there. But mom gets a stack of quarters and so does dad. And it’s sort of a fun thing to do during dinner, and the object is to catch somebody not using good manners. And if you catch somebody reaching across the table, not using their napkin, whatever, you get to take a quarter off their stack and put it on yours. At the end of dinner, theoretically, you had three kids, that’s three, four, five. Somebody could make a few bucks on dinner. It’s just a fun way of sort of reminding. And when our kids were little, I would be the buffoon. I would be the one who would chew with my mouth open and somebody would point, “Daddy, you’re chewing with your mouth open. I get a quarter.” We made it a fun game. But I have to tell you, our kids are very polite. I have very thoughtful, polite kids. You have to train kids up, you have to train them. And when they’re young is the best time to train them, not when they’re 16 and thinking about going off to college in a couple of years. Andrea: So you’ve mentioned that it’s important to teach our kids manners, and maybe not just table manners. Why would you say it’s important? Dr. Leman: Well, I think the social graces impress other people. There’s been so many times. I remember a Thanksgiving where we’re all around the table, and my nine year old grandson at the time, he’s now 17, got up and he said, “I want to say something.” And he went around the entire table, there must’ve been, I’m guessing, at least 12 people around that table. And he put his hands on everyone’s shoulder one at a time and said why he was thankful for that person. And every one of those explanations were very different from the others. They were very personal. I remember thinking, “Holy crow, what a great job my son-in-law Dennis and their mom, Chrissy has done with these kids.” They’ve got two kids. I’m the guy that wrote all the books. I’m just sitting at the end of the table and I’m just saying, “Wow, this is really something.” For a kid that had that kind of depth unprompted by the adults. Lots of times parents set kids up to do stuff like that, which is stupid, but when it comes from the heart and the kid wants to do that, you sort of stand back. So I think it’s important to teach kids manners. When that young man meets that young lady he likes in her home and is introduced to the father, who’s not real high on you going out with his daughter to begin with, and you’re showing great manners and respect in that conversation, trust me, your stock just went up in that father’s eyes. When you’re in the business world, it’s absolutely necessary to show good manners at all times. Doug: So what manners are we talking about? Are we talking about table manner? Dr. Leman: All kinds of manners. Opening doors for people, thanking them for their question. “Thanks for your interest. I’m glad to share that with you.” I talked yesterday in a professional development meeting about the power of the handwritten note, teaching kids to write thank-you notes to aunts and uncles and grandmas for gifts and things is important, but in our professional world, at Leman Academy of Excellence, I’m always telling our teachers, “Write the personal note to the parent.” The personal note, I got a note from a lady the other day and she said, “Dr. Leman, you cannot imagine how your short note to me last week just brightened my day.” And she said, “A guy as busy as you are, and that you took the time to respond to me in the way you did really encouraged me. Thank you. And by the way, I love working here at Leman.” So it’s a part of your life, taking the time. I tell our teachers, we have a scholar that’s not in school for two or three days, what do you suppose my suggestion is? I’m going to let you take a guess at this. What’s my suggestion? You’ve got a scholar, he hasn’t been in school in three days. What do you think that I would tell a teacher to do? Doug: It’s the parents issue, and they’ve got to get the kids to school. [inaudible]. Andrea: I was going to go with give a call, but … Dr. Leman: And that’s exactly right. Again, we revisit this topic a lot. Who is the smarter, Doug or Andrea? Ka-ching. Andrea just won the contest. Yeah. You pick up the phone and you call home. What does that say? I think it says to the parent, “Hey, that school and that teacher, Ms. So-and-so, they really care about us and our family.” I asked the question yesterday in the PD, professional development, I said, “I want to see a show of fingers about who believed in you as a kid. Why are you here? Why are you a successful teacher today? Why are you the successful person you are today? Who had your back? Who believed in you even if there wasn’t reason to believe in you? I want to see a show of hands. Put them up.” Show of fingers, actually. I said, “I know what the average is because I’ve asked this question hundreds of times.” And of course, the average is about three. You’ll see some with one, some with two, some with three. Once in a while you’ll see a four or a five, but usually it’s two or three. And I said, “What was it about that person that made you just say that? What are the traits that person had?” And you will see sincerity, authenticity, believing in you, all those things. And see, this is all part, I think, of teaching kids manners because you’re getting the attention off yourself and you’re getting onto other people who have been kind to you. Who’ve done thoughtful things. And it’s a two-way street. They just feed each other. So teaching kids how to meet people. You’ve got a little one, four years old, and you want him to meet Mrs. Johnson and the kid hides behind your skirt or your dress. Your legs. How do you deal with that? That shy little kid obviously isn’t meeting people well, probably hasn’t had a lot of confidence in doing so. And do you talk with them then? Do you embarrass them in front of Mrs. Johnson to try to teach him a manner? No, you talk with him afterward. Lots of times parents think that correction is got to be immediate, and nothing could be further from the truth, because those kinds of corrections are best after the fact when you’re in the car and you’re driving home from that event. Andrea: As you were talking, I was thinking how expressing manners is a form of selflessness, and- Dr. Leman: Yes. Andrea: … teaching our kids to be selfless rather than selfish. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Andrea: Because I could take it to the table. I’m reaching across because I want the butter right now, or I can wait. Or I can wait and open the door for someone or I can take the smaller cookie. All of those are practice at being selfless and thinking about other people. Dr. Leman: I’m going to tell you this … Oh, go ahead. Andrea: Oh, I was going to say down to writing those thank-you notes and showing gratitude. Dr. Leman: Yeah. Did I ever tell you the story about one of the reasons why I got thrown out of Cub Scouts? Andrea: I think we have a story coming. Doug: I don’t think so. Dr. Leman: Well, Mrs. Marschand, who was the den mother, they’d always bring a treat. A snack. You had your meeting, but you always had to feed the little Cub Scouts. So she brings out this big platter of cookies, okay? Now I ask you, how did I know that that platter was her great-grandmother’s favorite china platter? I didn’t know that. Nobody said to me, “That’s a china platter that’s got great sentimental and dollar value to it.” So I see the cookies. Now, Andrea just said, “Take the smaller cookie.” I did a roundhouse. I sort of wallop the plate as I grabbed a couple cookies and I smashed that plate in quarters. Now, was I polite kid? Not very much. Not very often. And that’s one of the reasons why I got thrown out of Cub Scouts. Not many people and say, “At age 11, I was kicked out of Cub Scouts,” but I was. But I look back now and I think, “You little jerk. Somebody should’ve taken you out back and beaten you with a stick.” Doug: Well, I’m glad to see that you have many talents, and one of them is getting kicked out of Boy Scouts. That’s impressive. That really is impressive, actually. Not many people I know can say- Dr. Leman: My wife and I, yeah, we got kicked out of Bible study too, that’s a good one. Doug: Wow, you’ve- Andrea: With Sandy? Oh, poor Sandy. Doug: Moving on, I have a question for you, but first, I want to make sure I get the eBook in. Planet Middle School is available now and until the end of February of 2021 for $1.99. And again, we’ve asked the publisher to do this for you, believe it or not, so that you get a chance to get these books when they’re super cheap. And for $1.99, it’s amazing. And Andrea, you have something? Andrea: I do. I have another review on this book by Purple Cat. Doug: That’s fun. Andrea: “Absolutely brilliant book, totally down to Earth, realistic, up-to-date with current times, and helpful with insights and suggestions.” Doug: That is true. It’s one of the newer books that he’s put out. Dr. Leman: Yeah. A lot of people use it as a small group study. And my guess is that Purple Cat probably came from Manhattan, Kansas, where Kansas State University is located. They are the Wildcats, and I think their mantra is, “Purple pride,” so that’s probably somebody from there. But let me suggest to you, if you have a small group of people and you’re studying that book, download it for $1.99, now y’all have it in front of you. And then I have a six-part video series called Have a New Kid by Friday, and use that video series in conjunction with Planet Middle School, and you’ve got a dynamite small group right there. That’s a life-changer. The reviews on Planet Middle School are basically what we just heard from Andrea. People really love that book. And it’s a time where all of a sudden this alien shows up at your home, your kid does all these changes before your eyes and you don’t know what hit you, and that little book is a stabilizing force for families. But don’t miss an opportunity to get that video series. You get that at DrLeman.com, Dr. Leman, L-E-M-A-N, it’s $25, well worth it, and you can use that as your focal point as you use it in that small group study, if that’s of interest to you. People really do love that. Thanks. Doug: Great. So get it between now, not that one, but the eBook, between now and the end of February. And now, a no-nonsense parenting moment with Dr. Kevin Leman. Dr. Leman: Well, we’ve all done it, parents. Haven’t you said to your son or daughter, “Did you take your brother’s bicycle?” “Did you swipe his candy bar?” Well, you saw him get on the bicycle and take off. You saw him take the candy and stick it in his pocket. Why would you ask a kid if he did it? I’m not going to say we’ve all done it from time to time, but doesn’t it make more sense to say something to your son or daughter like, “Honey, I see you took your brother’s candy. Do you want to talk about it?” “No.” “Well, I do want to talk about it.” Just use a direct approach with kids. It saves you from setting your kid up to lie. So if you’ve seen your son or daughter do something, just state the fact that you saw it, and then be ready to talk turkey to your son or daughter about their theft-like tendencies. Doug: So Dr. Leman, you already used the example of hiding the kid behind the skirt when you want them to come say hi. The question I had is, what about the thank-you statement? So somebody gives your kid something and you’re like, “Okay, Johnny. Tell Mrs. So-and-so thank you.” Do you do that, or how do you teach your kids to say thank you? Dr. Leman: You don’t prompt the kid to say thank you. You don’t say, “What do you say to Mrs. Springer?” That makes no sense whatsoever. What makes sense is, you have the gift. You’re in the car and the kid is about to open it, and you take possession of the gift. You put it in the backseat. You put it on the floor where that child doesn’t have access to it. And you talk about how disappointed you were that your son or daughter didn’t thank Mrs. So-and-so. And that child does not get to open that gift. And this goes off the principle you find in Have a New Kid by Friday, and that is B doesn’t start until A gets completed. Think about how profoundly simple that statement is. B doesn’t start until A gets completed. So when the child calls her on the phone, when the child writes the note and it’s in the mail, then and only then does that child, who would love to know what’s underneath that gift wrap, only then do they get to open that up. Now that’s training. That’s reality discipline. That’s teaching a child. And you’re not embarrassing your child, by the way. So those are a couple ideas. Parents, I have said it for years. You have all the gold in your back pocket. Your kid wouldn’t have socks or underwear on if you didn’t buy it for them, so you have full authority over your children, and you have to stand up. Seize that authority, use that authority in the right way, and it’s going to make child rearing a lot easier in your home. Doug: I really like that way better than telling the kid, “Say thank you to so-and-so,” and all of that. Andrea is the card writer in our family, and she’s passed it on to, for sure our second child who writes cards, but it’s been more by example. You had all our kids sign thank-you cards to grandparents when they were younger, didn’t you? Andrea: Mm-hmm (affirmative). We’ve done cards like that, but I was going to say earlier that you are really great at writing notes to people, and it’s not necessarily a thank-you note, but especially in your work, writing handwritten notes to people. Dr. Leman: Well, wait a minute. Let’s tell people what Dougy-boy does for a living because this fits in real good. Doug: Well, I help one of the small non-profits. I’m executive director of it. Is that what you mean? And I help- Dr. Leman: Yeah. Yeah. Doug: … especially in the area of raising funds and getting the staff motivated and clear. And it is true. The other thing about manners that kind of plays into that you bring work in is, it’s just being nice to people. And the fun part about my job is I just get to be nice to people. And if you do that, I guess it is just being selfless, isn’t it? Huh, interesting. Andrea: Well, it is. And I think as we practice it before our kids’ eyes, they’re going to see. If you’re teaching selflessness, then hopefully those manners will come out naturally. Doug: But you know, Dr. Leman, something you said at the beginning really does stick in this whole is thing, is if we model it, our kids will pick it up. And if we don’t model it. So like at the table, Andrea is the proper eater, I’m the sloppy one. Half our kids follow me, half follow her. We used to do this thing where I was tired of all the slouching at the table, so if you slouched at the table, you had to stand up eating your food the rest of the time and the plate had to stay on the table. So one day, one of the kids turned and said, “Well, doesn’t it apply to you, dad?” And I was like, “Yeah.” They nailed me so much. I stood at the table so much because I’m a sloucher. Do you remember that, Andrea? Andrea: Yes I do. Doug: And our kids loved it. Dr. Leman: That’s why kids love the quarter game, they love to catch daddy. Daddy could be the buffoon. It’s a fun way to teach them. But basically what we’re saying is, the modeling that you do, parents, and if you try to push this manner thing too hard, it’ll backfire right in your face. They’ll go out of their way to be miserable around you. Andrea: Our kids, with their friends, I’m just remembering this now, I’ve got a song in my head. When they’re eating a picnic with a bunch of friends or we’d have a group over, there’s a little song about putting your napkin in your lap, and if they caught somebody without the napkin in their lap, they’d start singing this song, “Round the table you must go. You must go,” and they’d have the kid have to run around the table and get back in their seat while they sang a song about them not putting their napkin on their lap. So anyways, just a funny little- Doug: Nothing like social embarrassment to get people to conform, baby. Right there. Andrea: Of course, with a group of friends they might have done it on purpose because it became a game. Doug: True. True. Well, we hope this helps all you parents who are wondering about how much should you do for manners or not, and it is nice now to have big kids. You’re right, Dr. Leman, you’ve got to start young because if you don’t, it doesn’t happen later. So, appreciate the question and answers and that we get to add your parenting toolbox, that you can love those kids more and more, and manners actually do play a part in that. So thanks for being with us today. It’s a joy to be with you. Andrea: Have a great week. Doug: Take care. Andrea: Bye-bye. Doug: Bye-bye. (silence)