Something Positive for Positive People

Sexual health is mental health. You’ll hear me say this throughout several episodes of Something Positive for Positive People. What happens when your sexual health is influenced by something that isn’t caused by sex directly? While this episode is not about herpes, we see herpes stigma show up in Jaclyn’s shared experiences as she navigated 10 years of seeking out treatment and a diagnosis for something that significantly impacted mental health, relationships, ability to have intercourse, and her general sense of well-being. Through listening, we see a whole different angle of how relationships are impacted by not just sexual health but genital accessibility as a way of connecting in relationships. One thing I see as a commonality between Lichen Sclerosus (Vulvar presenting) and genital herpes specifically in women is this overcompensating in relationships to please a partner at the expense of one’s own pleasure for the sake of maintaining a relationship. The endurance of less desired sex to accommodate an area where learned communication skills through sex education can support us. It’s not “normal” to have pain with sex and we don’t know where to go in a lot of these cases for consultation or treatment. I believe this podcast episode will offer up a general sense of direction even if you yourself may not experience these symptoms described. I share my own experience with a partner of mine who takes anti-depressants and attributes that to her difficulties with orgasm from clitoral stimulation. It’s difficult for her to climax and she requires the setting on her vibrator that sounds like a lawn mower for a long time to achieve orgasm. Given my understanding through self education of genital health, in an attempt to explore more options for her pleasure, I lifted the clitoral hood and noticed some difficulty with its retraction similar to someone with an uncircumcised penis during retraction who may show phimosis symptoms (difficulty retracting foreskin). Wow all my jobs really do help me with this work! So we were able to have some communication around that and her own pleasure sense was expanded from that communication. Not only that though, but sexual health as pleasure ties into genital health as a practice. We should be touching ourselves, our bodies, knowing their sensations, cleaning them, checking in with those parts for what our baseline is. If something is off, seek guidance. Going back to the part about relationships, one thing I know people living with herpes can learn here is that communicating in relationships as a whole is important and difficult. Disclosing your status is one thing, but once you move forward, each time you maybe shouldn’t have sex due to outbreaks, that could bring up fear of them leaving for a more accessible partner. You could feel as if you’re not doing “enough” according to what the expected norms are going into the relationship. Again, sexual health is mental health. What’s key here is that we have communication skills to negotiate and navigate conversations to set and manage expectations with not just sexual partners, but also our health care providers, our friends, and anyone around us. I’m grateful for Jaclyn’s work in this space and hope that you find some value in this podcast episode. The timing here is great because I’m interviewing health care providers to learn how patients can better navigate the system and the stigma. You can connect with Jaclyn on Instagram at thelostlabiachronicles to learn more about Lichen Sclerosus, seek support, guidance and direction and more by visiting her linktree: https://linktr.ee/thelostlabiachronicles

Many conversations I've been having these past two weeks have been around not sharing your positive herpes status with a partner. Summer is rapidly approaching and I want ya'll to be intentional with your interactions to ensure you get the outcomes you want. This episode covers the topic of not disclosing and is just the guidance I've consistently given to people who've reached out to me just venting about how unfair it is. What people need to understand is that not disclosing isn't about herpes, it's about intimacy. We prioritize the illusion of intimacy at the detriment of our integrity when we don't disclose, and this has way more of a long-term impact on us than we realize when it comes to REAL intimacy and connecting. We get better at what we practice. So if we practice not being vulnerable, we get better at not being vulnerable. When we practice doing so let's say . . . during disclosure, yes we get better at that, but we also get better at vulnerable conversations that make us more emotionally available and connected.

This was supposed to be more positive dating experiences, but turned into me ranting about a call I was on this morning with an organization that got some funding to do something about herpes. I eventually talk about how positive of an experience we can have when negotiations go well for relationships as well as elaborate on the "Be the Best Option" episode description about animals. My Yoga alarm going off really blew it for me though. Get your at home STI Test kit here: https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=643

Speaking of managing expectations . . . Order your at home STI testing kit here: https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=643 I spoke a lot to and about how important it is for men to be the best option in the last episode, along with how our behaviors directly impact hookup culture. It’s important that we align with THE code of what it is to be a Man, identify our values and live from that space of integrity. This episode is more of . . . I took too long to write the description for this one and kind of forgot what I talked about. . . . Ok I skimmed through and remember now. So identifying your value versus increasing your value. These are two completely different things. Recognizing your value is identifying where you feel most confident and competent. For me, my value is linked to my emotional intelligence and availability as a man. Not everyone sees that to be valuable, but that doesn’t change the fact that this IS my value as it’s where I’m most confident and competent. But like all things in 2022, it’s not exactly about what you do or how good you are at it. It’s really about how you market it. A shitty value can be marketed in a great way to achieve the results you want, so what does putting yourself out there look like when you do recognize your value. Well, you put yourself in or create an environment conducive to your skills and value, an you express it. Let your integrity be the baseline. People adapt to that to be in your life or you adapt to theirs. Alignment is where there’s no need to necessarily adapt because there’s an acceptance. . . That’s too far ahead for this episode, we’ll talk about that next.

Kim is 51 years old, newly diagnosed as of January, never had symptoms, and is coming out of a 10 year period of celibacy from marriage. That is the first 20 minutes of the podcast and is QUITE the story. The rest of it we talk about an open discussion we sat in where the public health field received funding in 2021, and they want to finally include herpes in the STD prevention plans and throw some money at it. In this episode, we talk about how that went for those who weren't able to make it. We share some predictions and possible solutions for what we hope to see happen as a result of the herpes community's input.

My trip to South Africa really gave me some useful insights to incorporate into my day to day as all travels should. During my trip, I went on a Safari. It was really something to see lions, ostrich, rhinos, elephants, buffalo, giraffes, and zebras and antelope out in something like their own natural habitat. Our tour guide for the Safari would stop the vehicle and point out some of the natural laws of the species when it came to how they coexist. He spoke about how the female just is there and when she’s ready to mate, she’ll only mate with the best option. She ain’t gotta go on no healing journey, have a cleanse, get her ish together, her finances right, her body right, she just decides she’s ready to mate. What’s said here about mating can be applied to dating. It’s “I’m ready, which one of ya’ll gone come get this (insert cat emoji)”. And then the hunger games start and the most competitive suitors fight it out. As humans, our fight doesn’t look like literally killing one another. The male species is held to a different standard in the human sector. It’s also about environment. The most fit in an environment, the most respected (or feared) in an environment, the most comfortable/safe territory guarded in an environment is who the female chooses. In the animal kingdom, the female chooses what male gets to mate. She knows this so there is no added pressure on her to become fit, secure her own territory, be respected or feared by her peers. The males have to get their ish together and if they’re born with disadvantages, they do have to work harder to secure mating. The harder a female works to mate, the less the male will work to secure a mate. Now this is transitioning over into mating in 2023 which you’ll have to listen to the podcast for more details on. This and the next few episodes will be about my own dating experiences if you care for that. I’m in the process of getting interviews with health care providers for SPFPP. If you need at home STI testing, here’s the link: https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=643

I bring on my friend Emily who worked on this campaign with me advocating for sex-positive, identity validating health care. I brought Emily on to discuss the challenges that exist as patients going to providers because they've worked on this type of advocacy for years through theater and work of course. This episode serves as an accountability piece for myself to move forward with my business idea of bridging the gap between health care providers and patients by giving providers experience talking about sex and sexual health with patients. I want to bring this back because integrating our experiences post-diagnosis into early interventions of STD Prevention. This means that creating confidence navigating sex in the health care field will expand to our patients and expand in our education early on when it becomes more and more prevalent to our connections to others and I believe this outside in approach is an efficient pathway to the necessary self-sex education needed prior to exposure to an outcome that warrants questioning.

Happy 10 year herpes anniversary to me from South Africa ya'll. Here I share more of my origin story as well as where I stand these days with my diagnosis. I fumble through the Venom/Eddie Brock and Tony Stark/Iron Man analogy I attempted to speak through and tease on Instagram. I share my backstory, useful resources I've found most helpful, and the importance of just living despite herpes.

We got an at home STI Testing kit sponsor: https://shamelesscare.com/?ref=643 use my code SPFRPP at checkout so we get that money to the non profit. Robert Johnson is the Founder of Shameless Care, judgment free health care tailored to the consensual non-monogamy community in all 50 states. Shameless Care sells at home STI testing kits in all 50 USA States, as well as medication for erectile dysfunction. Be sure to use the SPFPP link/code when you make a purchase. www.shamelesscare.com/spfpp Robert and I discuss how his own experience with an STI led him to starting this company. Very similar to SPFPP, he's serving a community he's not only drawn to, but also part of after identifying a need through his own experience which he shares with us.

Being preachy somehow flowed naturally to me this episode because boy did I let that ish rip here. I got a sense my man was seeing himself in a way that I've seen myself . . . see myself sometimes, and what I said to myself. Just check this out for some inspiration!