Latter Day Struggles

Send us a Positive Review!In this episode Val and Nathan explore what it takes to form a psychologically healthy system…whether this system is an immediate or extended family group, a relief society class, priesthood quorum, Sunday school group, or any combination of people who come together regularly to share some part of their lives, thoughts, feelings, or experiences.Val and Nathan walk through the four stages that all groups of people must pass through to become a safe and vibrant place for human growth and development in an interpersonal setting.The four stages of healthy community development are:PSEUDO-COMMUNITY (faking common experience, belief, and agreement in the majority narrative)CHAOS (someone shares a differing idea, experience, perspective, and others frantically try to reconvert them back to their way of thinking, feeling, believing)EMPTYING (the mandatory inner work of emptying ourselves of self righteousness, expectations, pride, the need to convert, heal, and save others)TRUE COMMUNITY  (Where people come together and support one another in their own unique journey, accepting others exactly where they are and allowing love—not same belief—to drive connection and unity)Join Val and Nathan as they break down these concepts, share personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings about the challenges of pseudo-community, how to invite healthy community, why community building is especially challenging in systems created around a foundation of supposed right belief, and how even an ongoing personal “emptying” is healing and helpful in cultivating healthy relationship with others when larger scale community building seems daunting.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!In this episode Valerie reviews some fascinating ideas about the relationship between cognitive dissonance and self justification and applies these ideas to humanity, institutions, churches, and the LDS church.She walks you through the following ideas:why humans and institutions self justifywhy people in leadership are especially prone to self justificationwhy entire communities get caught up in self justifying behaviorsthe self-justifying tactics people and institutions use when they are called out for questionable behaviorswhat can be done to overcome the tendency to self justify In this episode Valerie applies principles of “self justification theory” to make sense of both historical and current struggles within the LDS church where this concept seems to readily apply.  This episode is intended to help faith expanding Latter-day Saints better understand the nature of their struggles as well as shine a light on typical phenomenon connected to the human experience that might be manifest on the faith journey. The book referenced throughout this episode is calledMistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions and Hurtful Acts, by Carol Tavris, Marsha Mercant, et al.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!In this episode, Valerie highlights what you will learn in her NEW online course  “A COUPLE’S GUIDE FOR LDS FAITH CRISIS AND EXPANSION” for couples struggling with uneven faith journey experiences.  As of mid-2024, this course ("The Couples Guide to Faith Crisis and Expansion") has been broken into three stand-alone self-paced online classes.  Once purchased, you will receive access to a printable workbook and enjoy unlimited access to the recorded presentations. Each of these classes offers hope and healing for the LDS couple struggling to even talk about what is going on in their marriage.  Valerie expertly walks participants through why *both partners* are legitimately feeling grief and disoriented due to the unexpected changes in the beliefs of the less traditionally-believing partner and offers a wealth of  information, tools, activities, conversation and journal prompts that will help your marriage acclimate through this very challenging time.  These classes can be taken by either the couple or just one partner wanting understanding and tools that may help heal your struggling marriage.  Listen in and purchase this wonderful content at latterdaystruggles.com TODAY!••A quick correction about this episode: in a few different places, Valerie accidentally used the word “validation” in place of “individuation” when describing the second class. Sorry for the confusion!Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part XII of XII]In this final guest-interview portion of their ‘Eternal Marriage Theology Health Check’ series, Valerie visits with a married couple who shares their journey from early Mormon orthodoxy (which came naturally for him and felt like an ill-fitting costume for her) to their current stance as a couple whose primary allegiance shifted away from the LDS church and its beliefs and towards true commitment to each other and their expanding understandings of God, growth, and love.Does this mean the LDS church no longer mattered to them? No. This couple shares their tender journey honoring his more traditional views and the real anxiety he felt both for himself and his wife as he witnessed firsthand her suffering as she no longer could conform to much of the LDS teachings that worked well for him.Their story is one of authenticity, compassion, disorientation, struggle, conflict and resolution, and ultimately, what it looks like to really—really—unconditionally love your chosen partner, exactly as they are and where they are in their faith journey.Does this couple’s early journey align with struggles you are feeling in your own marriage? If so, jump over to latterdaystruggles.com and grab a self-paced class to help your marriage heal! Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part XI of XII]In this episode you meet TJ, a wonderful young man navigating the complexities of young single adult life as a gay member of the LDS church. He shares his story about slowly and gradually learning to accept his infinite lovability in God's eyes, which led to his eventual ability to also accept his sexual identity. TJ shares with Valerie his ongoing process sorting out what he’s been taught about the plan of salvation…what feels right, what feels wrong, what is known, and what is unknown. This conversation is a powerful opportunity to better understand the extremely challenging position that our beloved queer loved ones (or what we ourselves) experience due to the current eternal marriage and family theology in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.It highlights that there are many who want to feel the love and belonging of their LDS affiliation, but struggle ultimately escaping a theology that reinforces in-groups and out-groups, exclusion, and isolation in a variety of significant ways. When theology excludes, it is not God’s way. And followers of God must speak in love and defense of those excluded.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part X of XII]Join Valerie in this incredibly tender episode with two sets of LDS parents with children on the LGBTQ+ spectrum as they share their journey as individuals, as a couple, and as a family system embracing their gay and transgender children.Each of these beautiful parents walk us through their early years of life in the LDS church and their varying experiences embracing the doctrines of eternal marriage and the ‘together forever’ family and how their lives shifted (and are still shifting) in relationship to the LDS church as each of these brave parents navigate their deepening commitment to the first and greatest law: To Love One Another. Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part IX of XII]In this portion of this series featuring the tender stories of individuals learning about the complexities of the LDS eternal marriage theology first hand, Valerie visits with Cindy, a woman brave enough to share her story of her two marriages.Her first marriage was the result of young Cindy’s desire to please her orthodox family, her ward, and her church by marrying the Mormon “ideal man” despite her own reservations and internal discomfort. Listen in as she shares her tender memories as an idealistic young woman trying to earn love, measure up to her learned ideas of enough-ness in a patriarchal system, and finally her eventual strength to divorce and truly begin her journey to selfhood.When she fell in love with a “non-member” [insert a gasp here, please] she was consoled by the hope that eventually he would see the light, conform, convert, and therefore make everything okay.What unfolds is a beautiful story of deep love, compassion, and patience…on the part of Cindy’s husband, as he waited for her to grow up and realize that their marriage was precious just exactly as they each were—different, complex, and accepting of the otherness of the other. Cindy’s story is evidence that marriage is not about right belief and religious conformity. It is about patience, grace, and love.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part VIII of XII]Join Valerie and her special guest Lark, a single woman who candidly shares her painful journey beginning in the youth program aspiring to check every single box on the Mormon woman spectrum that was practically guaranteed to bring her all of the love, fulfillment, and satisfaction earth or heaven could offer.This seemed all good and fine until life didn't cooperate and Lark found it imperative either sink in sorrow or challenge her deeply embedded paradigm handed her by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.In this beautiful interview Val and Lark walk through her raw and sacred process taking ownership of her own divinely appointed life, its unique sorrows, its unique joys, and how this life continues to be the place where Lark is satisfying her own brave, harrowing and sacred hero's journey.She shares how she came to realize that the eternal marriage doctrine was not only not helpful, it was actively hurting her relationship with herself and with her divine parents, and therefore in need of an update on her own terms.Her story is beautiful and inspiring.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part VII of XII]In this final autobiographical portion of this series focusing on the complexities of the LDS eternal marriage doctrine, Valerie and Nathan reflect on their own relationships with fear and shame as driving forces in their own formative years.This conversation spans several topics including fears around singlehood (and the deep psychological wounds inflicted by the current doctrine on LDS singles) and fears that one's formal relationship with the church (oddly, not with each other and not God…) could rip otherwise deeply loving and bonded families apart as well as estrange heavenly parents from their children. Also of significance, they explore the possibility that fear (not love...) might be a primary means by which the institution motivates belief, loyalty, and compliance. Losing one’s dearest loved ones FOREVER is, after all, a pretty scary idea…and one that might motivate just about anyone to do/believe just about anything. The salient point here, is that love can bond us to each other, God, and love-infused Christian doctrine in ways that fear and shame NEVER CAN. And when motivated by love, we (humans and institutions) become more and more like the loving God who created us and daily nurtures us. Next up in this series: several touching interviews with individuals uniquely impacted and shaped (and currently reshaping for themselves) the LDS Eternal marriage theology.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website

Send us a Positive Review!Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part VI of XII]In this very personal episode, Val and Nathan talk about their own lived experiences around the LDS eternal marriage doctrine and specifically how they have navigated concepts of patriarchy and eternal polygamy. Valerie expands the concepts of masculinity and femininity and shares thoughts on how these concepts are often confused with our socialized understandings of maleness and femaleness. She goes on to explore why these misunderstandings get in the way of relational development and impedes our unique individual development as beautiful combinations of both masculine and feminine strength and energy.They also talk about why institutionalized patriarchy can and often does insidiously make its way into the home and consequently is growth-stunting and intimacy-killing in relationships both in this life and beyond. These ideas need to be talked about. Formalized doctrine supporting patriarchy and eternal polygamy hurt women. They hurt men. They hurt marriage. They hurt the spiritual, psychological, and relational development of every person in the systems where they are formally upheld.Support the showSupport the show Listen, Share, Rate & Review EPISODES Friday Episodes Annual Access $89 Friday Episodes Monthly Access $10 Valerie’s Support & Processing Groups Gift a Scholarship Download Free Resources Visit our Website