Secure Attachment & Recognizing Secure States of Mind with Ann & Sue (208)
Jul 4, 2023
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Ann, a secure attachment expert, and Sue, a mindfulness practitioner, discuss what secure attachment looks like in daily life. They talk about conversation skills, parenting practices, self-check-ins, and deepening connections. They also explore the difference between feeling secure and being secure, the importance of integration and security, and the role of curiosity in maintaining a secure state of mind.
Secure attachment involves the ability to stay engaged while experiencing big emotions.
Secure attachment requires active listening, mutual give-and-take, and a willingness to be influenced by others.
Deep dives
The Importance of Secure Attachment
Secure attachment promotes trust, connection, and the ability to maintain deep and fulfilling relationships. It involves being able to rely on others while also feeling confident in oneself. Secure attachment is not about feeling constantly secure or confident, but rather about being open to influence and actively seeking connection with others. It requires mutual give-and-take, the ability to set boundaries without fear of loss, and a willingness to repair and apologize when needed.
Recognizing the Signs of Secure Attachment
Signs of secure attachment include feeling compassion and care for others, being curious and interested in their experiences, and having the ability to hold one's own needs and boundaries in tandem with those of others. Insecure attachment can manifest as a need for power or control, an aversion to influence, or an inability to tolerate disappointment or loss. Secure attachment is marked by a balance of independence and closeness, a lack of urgency or pressure, and a willingness to take responsibility for one's actions and make repairs in relationships.
The Importance of Influence and Being Influenced
One key aspect of secure attachment is the ability to both influence others and be influenced by them. This involves mutual give-and-take, active listening, and a willingness to receive feedback and alternative perspectives. Individuals with secure attachment understand that their opinions and needs are valid, while also recognizing the value and wisdom of others. The capacity to be influenced and influence others contributes to deeper connections and healthier relationships.
Repair and Apologize in Secure Attachment
Secure attachment involves being able to repair and apologize when conflicts or misunderstandings arise. Taking responsibility for one's actions, genuinely apologizing, and working towards resolution are key elements of secure attachment. Repairing and apologizing in relationships allows for greater understanding, compassion, and growth. It also helps maintain trust and connection, contributing to a more secure and fulfilling attachment style.
We’ve covered the different protection and connection strategies - preoccupied (red on the spectrum), dismissing (blue on the spectrum), and unresolved (tie-dye), but today’s episode is all about what secure attachment actually looks like in daily life. You’ve experienced the continuum from red, blue, or even tie-dye, but how do you know when you’re in your green? A securely attached system doesn’t mean you’re never upset - it’s about having the ability to stay engaged while you have big feelings. In this episode, Ann and Sue discuss what this can look like conversationally, conditions that promote a secure base in parenting, and how to check in with yourself and deepen your connection with others.
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