161: Whole-hearted Lovemaking and Stage 3 Sex, featuring Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
Nov 17, 2023
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Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, psychologist and relationship expert, discusses whole-hearted lovemaking and the stages of romantic and sexual relationships. Topics include the importance of love and desire, the connection between intimacy and sex, stage 3 sexuality, balancing familiarity and novelty in relationships, and the role of heart in lovemaking.
A successful marriage requires both love (attentiveness, kindness, loyalty) and desire (passion, excitement, adventure).
Sexual intimacy should involve deep knowing and connection, requiring open communication and exploration of desires.
Deep dives
The Importance of Love and Desire in a Marriage
In this podcast episode, the host discusses the significance of both love and desire in a successful marriage. Love involves qualities like attentiveness, kindness, loyalty, and a feeling of home and belonging. On the other hand, desire includes passion, excitement, pursuit, adventure, and fun. The podcast emphasizes that a good marriage requires both love and desire. The speaker explains that there are stages of development in romantic and sexual relationships, and becoming a better lover is a result of personal growth and maturity. Ultimately, the podcast highlights that as couples become more capable of loving and self-accepting, the richness and quality of their sexual relationship also improve.
The Importance of Intimacy in Sexuality
The podcast delves into the misconception that intimacy and sex are synonymous. The speaker clarifies that while intimacy is often associated with deep knowing and being known, sex can sometimes lack true intimacy. Many couples engage in sex without truly sharing themselves or feeling deeply connected. It is highlighted that sex can be both a source of beauty and pain, as it is a powerful language of connection. The speaker emphasizes the importance of talking about one's sexual desires and concerns within the relationship, fostering open and honest communication. This process requires courage and a willingness to explore one's own desires and limitations while also considering the needs and desires of one's partner.
The Three Stages of Sexuality and Becoming a Better Lover
The podcast introduces the concept of the three stages of sex, borrowed from David Deida. Stage one is marked by solipsism and self-focused pleasure, while stage two involves transactional encounters and mutual pleasure. Stage three represents a higher level of intimacy, where sexuality becomes a form of deep cherishing and loving connection. The podcast emphasizes that stage three sex requires personal development and self-acceptance. The speaker encourages individuals to shift from stage one or two to stage three, where cherishing and valuing the partner extends beyond physical pleasure. The journey to becoming a better lover involves confronting and changing self-centered patterns, learning to communicate love and value through touch, and being able to both give and receive deeply in a non-selfish manner.
Embracing Eros Energy and Novelty in Romantic Relationships
The podcast explores the importance of embracing eros energy and balancing familiarity with novelty in a long-term romantic relationship. Eros energy is described as a life force that brings joy, vitality, and expansiveness. It is equated with the feeling of falling in love and can be heightened through sexual experiences. The podcast emphasizes that balancing the familiar and the new is crucial to maintain a fulfilling sexual relationship and overall happiness. It encourages couples to navigate meaningful conflicts, communicate desires, and introduce novelty together to expand intimacy and support personal growth. By bringing heart, creativity, and a willingness to explore new experiences into the relationship, couples can enhance their connection and experience greater joy and meaning.
To love and be loved wholeheartedly. It's life's sweetest gift. Marriages thrive when there's two forces working together love and desire. By love, I mean, the qualities like attentiveness, which is like being a good listener, kindness, a feeling of home and belonging in the relationship and loyalty.
On the other hand, by desire I mean a sense of passion, excitement, pursuit, adventure, mystery, and fun. We need both of those things in a good marriage. And to really love someone and to really desire someone with all of your heart, it's often a function of how developed and mature we are. Did you know that there are stages of development and romantic and sexual relationships as there are in other aspects of life? And how do you grow from whatever stage you are now to your next stage and become a better lover?
I've been podcasting consistently every week without fail for almost three years now. Can you believe it?! And one of my personal most favorite teachers of all time is Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, who you'll get to meet in just a moment. We recorded this podcast a long time ago. And because we have so many new listeners on this podcast, I've gone back to the archives to make sure you all get a chance to hear it!
Keep Your Marriage Burning Bright
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Retreats are an exciting way to spend some time away and we give you the tools you need to build a stronger sexier marriage and you get to meet other couples, have good food, go on excursions and just have this amazing experience to keep the fires of love and passionate desire burning bright in your relationship for years to come. Register today on our website.
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