173: How to Initiate Sex Like a Pro, Featuring James Christensen
Feb 9, 2024
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James Christensen, a sex initiation expert, joins the host to discuss the challenges of initiating sex in a relationship. They explore the fear of rejection and feeling not good enough, and the importance of honest communication and creating a sense of safety. Techniques are shared for calming anxiety and improving the sexual initiation climate.
Initiating sex can bring up questions of love, desire, and worthiness, making it challenging due to fear of rejection and not feeling desired.
To make initiating sex easier, it's important to pay attention to your partner's preferences, bring positive energy, practice comfort with 'no,' and create a safe environment for sexual initiation.
Deep dives
Understanding the Vulnerability of Initiating Sex
Initiating sex can be challenging because it brings up questions of love, desire, and worthiness. The fear of rejection or not feeling desired can make it harder to ask for sex. This fear often stems from childhood experiences and a deep need for validation and love. By recognizing these underlying emotions and understanding the survival instincts at play, it becomes easier to navigate the challenges of initiating sex.
Practical Strategies for Initiating Sex
To make initiating sex easier, it's important to pay attention to your partner's preferences and find ways to accommodate them. Some may prefer verbal initiations, while others may respond better to nonverbal cues. It's also crucial to bring positive energy and confidence to the initiation, rather than anxiety or neediness. Practicing getting comfortable with receiving 'no' and expressing gratitude for honest responses can help create a safe environment for sexual initiation.
Working on Safety and Emotional Connection
Building safety and emotional connection is foundational for successful sexual initiation. Couples can practice exercises that promote physical and emotional closeness, such as eye gazing, synchronized breathing, and gentle touch. This helps create a sense of safety and intimacy, allowing both partners to feel more comfortable and connected. Tuning in to each other's bodies and being willing to adjust the sexual encounter based on emotional connection can enhance the overall experience and deepen the bond between partners.
Seeking Professional Help for Sexual and Emotional Growth
In cases where difficulties with sexual initiation persist, seeking the guidance of a therapist or coach can be beneficial. A therapist can help individuals and couples uncover deeper emotional issues, communicate effectively, and develop healthier patterns of intimacy. Through targeted exercises, discussions, and self-reflection, couples can grow in their understanding of each other and cultivate a stronger, more satisfying sexual relationship.
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Let's be honest here. Initiating sex is not easy at all. We want the other person to take charge and initiate, right? We worry, how are we going to be received? There's also so much of ourselves wrapped up in what it means to initiate, or not initiate, sex. And past experiences tend to influence our reluctance to initiate as well. Yet, the reality is if one of you doesn't initiate sex, sex is never going to happen in your relationship.
So why is initiating sex so hard? What are some common reasons why people, me included, struggle to initiate sex sometimes? How do we get better at this very intimate act of bidding for sexual connection?
I've been pondering these questions lately, and I'm grateful to meet up with James Christiansen, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Roseville, California. You'll quickly find out that he has a brilliant sharp mind and quickly cuts right to the heart of the matter.
And this episode, we're going to talk about what's at the heart of initiating sex, because it gets a lot deeper than what you're probably thinking. And by the end of this episode, hopefully you'll take more courageous action to cherish your spouse more than before.
Links referenced in the episode:
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