How to Stop Fighting And Start Talking (and Healing) | Stan Tatkin
May 29, 2023
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Marriage and family therapist Stan Tatkin shares strategies for improving communication in relationships. He emphasizes the importance of working through conflicts instead of pushing partners away. Topics discussed include facing challenges together, navigating conflicts productively, the impact of the pandemic on relationships, establishing governance and embracing differences, the impact of stress on relationships, prioritizing the relationship over self-interest, and the importance of cooperation in a relationship.
To have a purpose-centered life, prioritize love and affection during conflicts, serving a greater purpose and protecting the well-being of the relationship.
By developing self-awareness, utilizing calming strategies, and prioritizing empathy, couples can shift into a more productive dynamic, resolving conflicts and emerging closer and more connected.
Establish clear agreements and obtain each other's permission regarding financial decisions and responsibilities, focusing on collaboration, transparency, and fair allocation of resources to prevent conflicts and maintain a healthy financial dynamic.
Deep dives
The importance of purpose-centered relationships
To have a purpose-centered life, it is crucial to prioritize love and affection, even in difficult times or during conflicts. The focus should be on serving a greater purpose and protecting the well-being of the relationship. By creating a structure and shared vision, couples can work through disagreements and co-create a healthy and fulfilling union. This approach promotes understanding, compromise, and prioritizing the relationship above personal interests.
Challenging the instinct to defend and understanding each other's perspectives
During conflicts, our primal instincts often lead us to defend our own positions rather than understanding our partner's perspective. This reactive response can escalate conflicts and push partners further apart. However, by developing self-awareness, utilizing calming strategies, and prioritizing empathy, couples can shift into a more productive dynamic. By working the problem, not each other, and considering each other's interests equally, couples can resolve conflicts and emerge closer and more connected.
The role of agreements and permission in financial matters
Money is a common area of contention in relationships. To navigate this issue, couples must establish clear agreements and obtain each other's permission regarding financial decisions and responsibilities. Whether they decide to pool their finances or keep them separate, open communication, transparency, and fair allocation of resources are essential. By focusing on collaboration and shared goals, couples can prevent conflicts and maintain a healthy financial dynamic.
Shifting from self-centeredness to relationship-centeredness
A key aspect of secure functioning in relationships is prioritizing the relationship itself over individual self-interest. This requires a shift from being self-centered to being relationship-centered. By considering the impact of their actions on the relationship and actively working towards its well-being, couples can build trust, cooperation, and a sense of security. This shift involves a higher level of moral reasoning, putting the needs of the relationship first, and embracing humility and cooperation.
The practice of secure functioning and the importance of practice
Secure functioning in relationships is a practice that involves ongoing effort, self-awareness, and mutual support. It requires mastering the art of handling each other, regulating emotions, resolving conflicts, and putting the relationship above personal desires. This practice involves predicting and meeting each other's needs, actively working on the relationship, and persistently striving to create a safe and supportive environment. While challenges and failures may arise, the key is to learn from them and continuously strengthen the foundations of the relationship.
Conflicts are inevitable in long-term relationships. But often we argue in ways that push our partners away instead of resolving issues.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, a marriage and family therapist who has spent decades working with couples and training practitioners to improve communication in relationships believes there is a better way for partners to weather conflicts and emerge closer. His new book, In Each Other’s Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them offers strategies grounded in neurobiology and years of clinical experience.
When disagreements arise, primal instincts trigger 'fight or flight', making us defend ourselves instead of understanding each other. But with awareness and new strategies, partners can shift this dynamic. As Stan says, we can learn to "work problems, not each other", regulate emotions, consider interests equally, and prioritize the relationship.
We'll discuss Dr. Tatkin's approach for navigating conflicts productively. His insights may save your next argument and reveal how you can grow closer through challenges together.
