138 How To Heal From Sorrow and Grief Part 5 with Mary Ellen Owen
May 1, 2023
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Mary Ellen Owen shares her journey with sorrow and grief, discussing the importance of healing and embracing tears. The concept of 'whaling women' is explored, as well as the struggle trauma survivors face in accessing and embracing their tears. The transformative power of grief, dance, and the presence of others is emphasized in finding healing.
Embracing grief and allowing oneself to fully experience sorrow is essential for healing.
Having witnesses and comforters during the grieving process creates a safe space for deep grief and transformation.
Deep dives
Mary Ellen's journey of befriending sorrow and grief
Mary Ellen Owen shares her personal journey of learning to embrace and befriend sorrow and grief. She recalls moments from her early 20s and her battle with the inability to cry. With the guidance of a therapist and her experiences in graduate school, Mary Ellen recognizes the importance of grieving and its connection to healing. She discusses her search for a "whaling woman" - a concept she discovered through a Bible verse that resonated deeply with her. Despite encountering resistance from her body's trauma response, she eventually finds comfort and learns to welcome the tenderness of grief.
The ambivalence of embracing grief
Mary Ellen describes the internal conflict she experienced in facing grief. While her mind understood the importance of grieving, her body instinctively resisted and fought against it. She shares her struggles with anger as a defense mechanism and her tendencies toward flight. Over time, with the help of patient mentors and a supportive community, she begins to welcome and fully embrace her grief, allowing for healing and transformation.
The role of witness and comfort in grieving
Mary Ellen emphasizes the significance of having witnesses and comforters in the grieving process. She acknowledges the need for others who can hold space and provide patience and compassion during times of sorrow. Mary Ellen recounts various experiences where she sought witness in therapy, ritual, and her relationships. She recognizes the impact of having understanding companions who can offer comfort and create a safe space for deep grief.
Grief as a path to deeper healing
Mary Ellen explores the idea that grief serves as a pathway to deeper healing. She discusses how grief allows for the welcoming of parts of ourselves that have been harmed, wounded, or neglected. By grieving, we acknowledge our pain and honor the stories that have shaped us. Mary Ellen encourages a posture of welcome toward grief, emphasizing its transformative power and its ability to connect us to the tenderness of God's presence.
Fellow therapist Mary Ellen Owen joins me today to share her journey with sorrow. Like many people with trauma, it took Mary Ellen years to find her tears, years to befriend her sorrow. Although she cognitively knew that grief was necessary for healing, something within her said “hell no” to feeling the unfelt sorrow. In this final episode in a series on grief and sorrow, Mary Ellen shares how she came to befriend her sorrow. In the words of Fredrick Buechner, “Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are but, more often than not, God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go to next.”