Esther Perel (Love & Sex Expert): Why Men Love Porn More Than Their Partner! It's Time To Enjoy Sex Again! The Real Reason Men & Women Cheat!
Dec 7, 2023
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Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert, joins Steven Bartlett on this captivating podcast. They discuss how childhood influences shape adult relationships, the importance of prioritizing relationships, the conflict between security and freedom, societal expectations on emotional expression, the issue of sexlessness in relationships, and turning conflicts into connections. This insightful conversation sheds light on various aspects of human relationships.
Balancing security and freedom is key in relationships, requiring effort and attention to nurture connection while allowing for individual growth.
Conflict in relationships can be a catalyst for growth and connection when underlying motivations for trust, recognition, and control are addressed.
Modern relationships face challenges due to changing structures, technology dependence, and lack of face-to-face connection, requiring intentional actions to foster aliveness and intimacy.
Love and desire are dynamic experiences influenced by relationship quality, individual needs, and social factors, emphasizing the importance of continuously investing in a fulfilling romantic connection.
Deep dives
The Importance of Balancing Security and Freedom in Relationships
In relationships, we often seek both security and freedom. However, these needs can sometimes seem contradictory. The challenge lies in finding a balance between the two. We want the comfort and predictability of a secure relationship, but also the excitement and exploration that comes with freedom. This balance requires effort and attention. It means actively nurturing the connection and intimacy while also providing space for individual growth and independence.
The Role of Conflict in Relationships
Conflict is an inherent part of relationships. It is not something to be avoided, but rather a catalyst for growth and connection. Conflict arises when there is a tear in the fabric of connection, when needs for trust, recognition, and control are not being met. Recognizing the underlying motivations behind conflicts, such as the need for connection and understanding, can help couples navigate disagreements in a productive way. Conflict resolution involves acknowledging that it is not about what we are fighting about, but rather what we are fighting for - a deeper connection.
The Challenges of Modern Relationships
Modern relationships face unique challenges in a rapidly changing world. Traditional structures and roles have dissolved, leaving individuals with the responsibility of defining and navigating their own relationships. In this era of independence and individuality, relationships require effort, creativity, and adaptability. The increase in conflict avoidance and screen-based interactions has hindered social skills and face-to-face connections, contributing to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Cultivating aliveness and intimacy requires intentional actions and a willingness to step away from technology and engage in genuine, present moments with our partners.
The Complexities of Love and Desire
Love and desire are multifaceted experiences that evolve and change over time. Love is not a static state, but a verb that requires continuous effort and investment. Desire can fluctuate and be influenced by many factors, including the quality of the relationship, individual needs and desires, and cultural and societal influences. Understanding the interplay between love, desire, security, and adventure is crucial in cultivating a fulfilling and vibrant romantic connection.
The Importance of Active Engagement in Relationships
In order to have a fulfilling relationship, it is essential to actively engage with your partner. This means taking risks, being vulnerable, and being accountable for your actions. Rather than expecting the other person to change, focus on what you can do to improve the relationship. Act out of enlightened self-interest, doing things that benefit the relationship as a whole. Relationships require effort, imagination, and a willingness to try new things.
Understanding the Dynamics of Cheating
Cheating in relationships can occur for various reasons, such as loneliness, sexual frustration, resentment, or the desire for affirmation from others. Affairs often provide a sense of aliveness and connection that may be lacking in the primary relationship. However, it is important to recognize that infidelity is not solely a gender-specific issue, and that both men and women can be drawn to affairs. To prevent infidelity, it is crucial to prioritize the relationship, create novelty, and actively engage with your partner.
Creating Connection in Conflict
Conflict in relationships is normal, but it is essential to turn conflict into connection. Instead of focusing on what you are fighting about, consider what you are fighting for and identify the underlying unmet needs. Rather than engaging in negative sentiment override, find ways to turn the tone around and remember the fondness and admiration for your partner. Actively seek out new experiences together and maintain a sense of novelty and freshness in the relationship.
The Power of Decency and Kindness
A piece of advice that resonates with Esther Perel the most is the wisdom her father imparted to her: Do not be impressed by money, fame, or education, but rather by decency. Kindness, caring, and human connection are what truly matter in relationships. Focus on the decency of a person rather than superficial status symbols. Cherish the moments of human kindness and strive to be a decent and kind human being in your own interactions.
Why do people have affairs in happy relationships? Why does sex decline in some long term relationships and not others? Esther Perel is here to answer all of the biggest questions in sex and relationships.
Esther Perel is a world-leading Belgian-American psychotherapist and relationship expert, best known for her work in human relationships and ‘erotic intelligence’. She is the New York Times best-selling author of, ‘Mating in Captivity’ and ‘The State of Affairs’, as well as the host of the podcast, ‘Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel’.
