How changing your story can change your life (w/ Lori Gottlieb) (re-release)
Jan 6, 2025
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Lori Gottlieb, a therapist and bestselling author of "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone," shares her insights on the narratives we create about ourselves. She highlights the transformative power of storytelling and the need to recognize our inner unreliable narrators. Relationships, she argues, should be viewed as a dance focused on personal growth rather than changing others. Gottlieb also emphasizes the importance of finding the right therapist to help edit our life stories, encouraging listeners to embrace change for true happiness.
The story you tell yourself significantly impacts your happiness and can be reshaped through the therapeutic process.
Changing personal narratives and behaviors, rather than trying to change others, can lead to positive shifts in relationships.
Deep dives
Understanding Therapy and Its Benefits
Therapy is often praised for its benefits, yet there is a lack of understanding about how it genuinely works. The guest emphasizes that therapy is not just about discussing problems; it involves unraveling the way individuals narrate their personal stories. She points out that these narratives can significantly influence one’s life, leading to positive or negative outcomes depending on their nature. A primary goal in therapy is to change these inner narratives, which can ultimately reshape lives.
The Power of Perspective Shift
Therapists often recognize that individuals are unreliable narrators of their own lives, filtering experiences through a subjective lens. This subjectivity means that people might emphasize certain aspects of their stories while downplaying others, thus distorting their understanding. The podcast highlights a conversation about the potential for change in relationships when individuals alter their own behaviors rather than trying to change others. By taking responsibility for their actions and perspectives, individuals can encourage different responses from those around them.
Navigating the Therapeutic Relationship
The relationship between a therapist and a client fundamentally influences the effectiveness of therapy. It's important for clients to feel understood and challenged during sessions, as this fosters growth. Potential clients are encouraged to engage in a preliminary evaluation of fit during initial sessions, seeking a therapist with whom they connect. This involves asking oneself if they felt understood and whether the therapist presented new insights during their interaction.
The Journey of Change and Maintenance
Change is often a challenging journey as it frequently entails letting go of the familiar, even if it is uncomfortable. The process of change is intricate, consisting of stages that individuals must navigate to achieve lasting transformation. It is stressed that maintenance plays a vital role, requiring ongoing effort to sustain changes made. Self-compassion is essential during this phase, as falling back into old patterns is common; individuals are encouraged to view setbacks as part of the learning process rather than failures.
Lori Gottlieb believes we all have an inner narrator. In this episode, she explains why the story you tell yourself is key to your happiness (or lack thereof). She also discusses the stages of change, why relationships are a dance, and the steps to finding a good therapist that can help you edit the story of your life. Lori is a therapist, the bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, and a co-host on the Dear Therapists podcast. She was once also an executive at NBC, overseeing shows like the hit medical drama ER. It’s through these varied experiences that she’s realized the power of being aware of your personal narrative and being willing to edit your story.
For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscripts