This conversation features Claire Bidwell Smith, a licensed therapist specializing in grief and an author renowned for her insights on loss. They tackle poignant letters from individuals wrestling with guilt after losing loved ones, including a childhood friend's suicide and a mother's death. Claire discusses the intricate emotions surrounding grief and guilt, emphasizing the importance of confronting these feelings. Personal anecdotes illuminate the balance between cherishing memories and accepting loss, offering a compassionate guide through the healing journey.
Guilt often complicates the grieving process, as individuals struggle with the belief that they could have changed the outcomes of their loved ones' tragedies.
Moving on from grief involves finding new ways to honor the memory of lost loved ones, allowing their legacy to continue in our lives.
Deep dives
The Process of Letting Go
Letting go after losing a loved one is a deeply human struggle that many encounter, often clinging to past relationships and emotions longer than necessary. Commonly, people stay in these emotional spaces due to fear and attachment to comfort, making the act of moving on feel almost impossible. In the context of grief, holding onto memories of a deceased loved one can manifest in vivid dreams, illustrating the challenge of accepting the finality of death. The emotional complexity of such experiences highlights that moving on isn’t about forgetting; it's about finding a way to carry the memory forward.
Understanding Grief and Guilt
Guilt frequently accompanies grief, as individuals grapple with the belief that they could have altered past events or made different choices. This self-blame can stem from situations where one feels a sense of responsibility for the loved one's misfortune or death, leading to an obsession with the circumstances surrounding these events. It’s common for survivors to dwell on their actions, considering whether they did enough or if they caused harm, such as decisions made regarding care. Professional insight reinforces that this guilt serves as a misguided way to cling to lost loved ones, emphasizing the importance of forgiveness and clarity in one’s grief journey.
Navigating Relationships After Loss
When a bond is severed by loss, especially someone who played a significant role in one’s formative years, the effects ripple through all aspects of life. Individuals are often left feeling lonely in their grief, especially if societal or familial dynamics discourage open discussions about loss. The intense emotions can lead to internal conflict, as unresolved feelings and cherished memories emerge alongside guilt. Engaging with the memories of the deceased, whether through conversations with others or personal reflections, can facilitate healing and keep their legacy alive.
Finding Ways to Honor and Remember
Moving forward after loss does not equate to abandoning the memory of the loved one; instead, it involves developing new ways to honor their legacy. This can include rituals such as writing letters, sharing fond memories with family, or continuing traditions that were significant to the deceased. Establishing a personal connection with the memories allows grief to transform from a source of pain into a way of celebrating the love that the deceased brought into one’s life. Recognizing the ongoing beauty of those connections fosters healing, reminding individuals that even through grief, the bonds of love remain unbroken.
This episode was originally released on August 18th, 2018.
The Sugars have been thinking about what it means to say goodbye and let go. In this first episode of our two-part series on moving on, the Sugars and Claire Bidwell Smith answer two letters from people struggling to move past their grief after the death of their loved ones.
The first letter comes from a woman who recently discovered that her best childhood friend died by suicide. In the wake of the news, she spent hours pouring over letters from her friend, and realized that there were signs of trouble early in life. Now she’s haunted by the fact that she failed to intervene years ago. “I keep ruminating on how Alejandra might have killed herself and where she was when she did it,” she writes. “I feel so much guilt from my complacency.”
A second letter writer, who calls herself “Wracked by Guilt,” feels similarly about the death of her mother. “How do I get over the sickening feeling that I played a role in my mom’s death?” she asks. “How is it possible for me to stop trying to place blame and simply accept the situation?”
Claire Bidwell Smith is a licensed therapist specializing in grief, and the author of several books, including “The Rules of Inheritance.” She writes and speaks about grief regularly, and offers online grief support in addition to her private practice. Her new book, “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” will be released on Sept. 25th.
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