Courtney and Alexandra join Nancy for a lively attachment talk in the Bermuda Zone. They discuss contrasting attachment experiences and the fears each attachment type has for the others. The guests share their experiences as attachment parents, and the importance of being loved for who you are as an individual. They also explore grounding practices for each attachment type and what they think they needed from their parents.
Attachment dynamics can suppress individuality and hinder personal growth within a family.
Challenging attachment structures can lead to more authentic connections between family members.
Parents transitioning from caregiver-dependent relationships to mutual desire and love face challenges in redefining their attachments and relationships with adult children.
Deep dives
The Importance of Self-Assurance in Attachment
Hexad children often find the self-assurance of their attachment parents jarring and can feel a sense of fear themselves. The fear stems from the belief that they might be the cause of their own suffering. Attachment parents may be unsure how to navigate their role, leading to a mix of self-doubt and moments of certainty. The children, in turn, may feel the need to sacrifice their own needs to ensure attachment and struggle to fully reveal themselves, inhibiting the depth of support and connection.
The Interplay Between Attachment and Identity
Attachment dynamics within a family can significantly impact an individual's identity development. An attachment-focused family may prioritize collective attachment and view children as extensions of themselves, expecting compliance and mirroring their values. This attachment can create a web of interactions where individuality is suppressed, and personal growth is intrinsically tied to maintaining or modifying attachment structures. Breaking this cycle, however, allows for the development of true relationships and a genuine exploration of individual identities.
Disrupting Attachment Structures
When an individual within an attachment-focused family challenges or disrupts the attachment dynamic, reactions from other family members vary. Some may push back, resisting the change and criticizing the disruption, while others may struggle to adapt to a more individualized relationship. The disruption can trigger fears of failure, loss of attachment, and ultimately a struggle to navigate new ways of relating. Despite the challenges, breaking free from rigid attachment structures can lead to more authentic connections between family members.
Transitioning into Independent Relationships
As attachment children become adults, the relationship with their attachment-focused parents can evolve. Parents may struggle to shift the dynamic from a caregiver-dependent model to one based on mutual desire and love. The shift challenges parental identities rooted in material needs and external structures, as they now engage in a dynamic built on curiosity, growth, and a desire for genuine connection. This transition can be both liberating and challenging, requiring parents to confront their own attachments and redefine their relationships with their adult children.
Importance of Time Apart
One key insight from the podcast episode is the importance of spending time apart from attachments. The speaker shares a personal experience of being anxious about a long separation from a partner but discovering that the time apart allowed for a new orientation towards attachment. It led to a realization that they enjoy their own company and can still exist independently. This insight provides a sense of grounding and reassurance, reminding listeners that they can find strength and identity outside of their attachments.
Finding Support Within
Another key point discussed is the need to find support within oneself rather than solely relying on external sources. The speakers mention various practices that help them feel supported, such as yoga and somatic grounding. By focusing on internal sources of support, they create a sense of intrinsic value and purposefulness. This shift in perspective allows them to detach from the fear of losing external attachments and recognize that they can source support from within. This insight emphasizes the importance of self-reliance and self-care in cultivating a strong sense of identity and well-being.
Nancy hosts a bangin attachment talk with Alexandra and Courtney. Some magic happened in this Bermuda Zone.
— (3:24) Contrasting and comparing attachment to disconnect experiences from the perspective of 3/6/9
— (10:38) 3&9 vs 6 differences on revealing their location
— (18:54) Round robin impressions of the other attachment types
— (21:18) What’s scary about 9 for 3&6
— (24:16) What’s scary about 3 for 6&9
— (30:02) What’s scary about 6 for 9&3
— (36:41) 6’s need to earn it and are committed to life being difficult
— (40:11) Courtney’s experiences as an attachment parent
— (44:10) Nancy recalls what it was like to be parented by a hexad vs an attachment parent
— (48:52) Alexandra’s experiences in an all attachment family
— (1:04:55) The attachment insecurity around being loved for you are as an individual vs how you’ve adapted to be loved
— (1:09:36) What each attachment type thinks they needed from their parents
— (1:16:56) Grounding practices for each attachment type
If you haven’t already, go buy John’s book on amazon or barnesandnoble:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578784971/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_VZ3VZVEG0M1RY42AWN2T
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Call the Loveline with your comments and thoughts about the show at (323) 696-0647. Or you can also email bhepodcast@gmail.com or DM us with a pre-recorded voice message.
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