Stan Tatkin - You Won't Get A Secure Relationship Without Secure Agreements

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Jul 7, 2025

In this engaging discussion, Stan Tatkin, a leading expert in couple relationships, shares his insights on building secure functioning partnerships. He emphasizes the necessity of mutual protection and creating a shared vision, addressing the complexities of modern relationships influenced by technology and political divides. Stan highlights the importance of quick repairs during conflicts and establishing clear agreements to foster compatibility. His practical advice encourages couples to navigate dynamics thoughtfully, ensuring stronger emotional bonds.

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INSIGHT

Secure Functioning Basics

Secure functioning relationships are built on social contracts of fairness and mutual protection.
They require partners to have the same stakes and collaborate fully, even under stress.

INSIGHT

Human Nature Challenges

Humans tend to act selfishly under stress, which threatens relationship safety.
Secure functioning agreements prevent damage by aligning partners to protect each other consistently.

ADVICE

Create Relationship Agreements

Start by defining the perfect relationship with your partner without assumptions.
Write down clear agreements on what will and won't happen to ensure safety and collaboration.

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Talking points: relationship, attachment, culture

I love Stan because he's able to cut through so much of the modern BS around relationships, and get straight to practical, tactical perspectives and advice. We covered a TON of ground here, from the importance of social contracts and mutual protection, to the need for shared vision and purpose in creating equitable and collaborative relationships.

This is definitely a convo that will spark some discussion, so listen in, team.

(00:00:00) - Intro and the nature of secure functioning

(00:05:52) - Human Nature and Relationship Dynamics

(00:10:01) - Impact of Technology on Relationships

(00:23:35) - Creating Secure Functioning Relationships

(00:35:06) - Predictability and Prevention in Relationships

(00:36:51) - The Importance of Quick Repair

(00:43:02) - Mutual Protection and Solidarity

(00:47:20) - Compatibility and Relationship Agreements

(00:51:59) - The Role of Attachment in Relationships

(01:00:42) - Final Thoughts and Practical Advice

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a renowned expert in human behaviour and couple relationships, known for developing the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He is a global speaker and teacher on secure-functioning relationships, with his insights reaching over 1.7 million viewers through his TEDx talk. Stan has authored six bestselling books, translated into multiple languages, and has published numerous academic articles.

In 2010, Stan co-founded the PACT Institute with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, to train therapists in integrating psychobiological approaches into their practices. His work has earned him the Educator of the Year award from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists CA in 2014.

Stan leads couples in creating healthy attachments through his clinical practice in Calabasas, California, and Wired For Love Couple Retreats. He has held academic positions at UCLA and serves on the boards of Lifespan Learning Institute and Relationships First. A former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter, Stan is trained in various psychotherapeutic techniques, including Adult Attachment, Facial Action Coding System, and Vipassana meditation.

Connect with Dr. Tatkin

-Website: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/

-Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/

-Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute

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