Optimal Relationships Daily - Dating, Marriage & Parenting

2204: Self-Interest is Not Selfish in Relationships by Alli Hoff Kosik with Gottman on Setting Healthy Boundaries

Jun 12, 2024

10:11

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Relationship expert Alli Hoff Kosik discusses the importance of balancing self-interest and selflessness in relationships. She highlights the significance of open-ended questions, empathy, and setting healthy boundaries to foster genuine communication and deeper connections with partners.

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Quick takeaways

Excessive selflessness can hinder authentic connections in relationships.

Effective communication involves asking open-ended questions and showing empathy to foster engagement.

Deep dives

Balancing Selflessness in Relationships

In relationships, being selfless is often seen as a positive trait, but excessive selflessness can hinder authentic connections. Constantly prioritizing a partner's needs without expressing one's own desires can create a disconnect. Dr. Gottman suggests that deep and reciprocal communication, focusing on open-ended questions, and expressing empathy can help restore balance. By encouraging partners to assert their opinions and preferences, a deeper connection can be formed, allowing for a more genuine and engaged relationship.

Exploring the Dynamics of Self-Interest in Relationships

2min

Navigating Selflessness and Authenticity in Relationships

6min

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Episode 2204:

Embracing your own needs isn't selfish; it can actually strengthen your relationship. Alli Hoff Kosik emphasizes the importance of open-ended questions and empathy to encourage genuine communication. Learn how to strike a balance between selflessness and authenticity to foster a deeper connection with your partner.

Read along with the original article(s) here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-interest-not-selfish-relationships/

Quotes to ponder:

"These selfless acts may feel good in the moment, but over time, they’ll limit your ability to authentically connect in your relationship."

"If your partner is only taking baby steps away from constant selflessness, take baby steps with them."

"Show your partner that what they’re saying makes sense to you."

Episode references:

The Relationship Cure: https://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Cure-Strengthening-Marriage-Friendships/dp/0609809539

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718

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