Can a neurodiverse marriage actually work when communication constantly breaks down? If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are speaking two different languages—especially in an autism or ADHD relationship—this episode is for you. Stephanie & Dan Holmes share how they redefined their roles at home, and used coaching to rebuild connection, reduce resentment, and finally feel like a team again.
💬 You’ll hear real-life insights about: Why they left using a therapy model and started coaching instead The power of building individual skills before focusing on teamwork as a couple How Dan taking over cooking reduced Stephanie’s mental load Bridging different emotional processing styles Learning to “sit with each other’s emotions” instead of fixing them Why sometimes you need to “put it in the unsolved mystery file” This episode is part of Season 5 of the YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship Podcast, exploring the question: “Can neurodiverse relationships work?” The answer? Yes—with the right tools, support, and a willingness to learn what actually works for YOU as a couple.
Stephanie and Dan open up about what it really takes to navigate marriage as a neurodiverse couple—and how their faith, coaching, and intentional communication helped them overcome communication breakdowns and challenges related to autism and ADHD.
00:00 – Can Neurodiverse Relationships Really Work?
01:44 – Meet Stephanie & Dan Holmes
03:39 – Why Coaching Helped When Therapy Didn’t
08:03 – What We Mean by Neurodiverse: ADHD, Autism & More
11:05 – Rethinking Gender Roles: A System That Worked for Them
13:20 – The Mental Load & How Cooking Changed Everything
17:57 – “I Don’t Need You to Fix It—I Need You to Be Irrational With Me”
20:00 – Emotions as Data: Why Logic Isn’t Always the Answer
22:08 – The “Delta” Fight: How Literal vs. Emotional Thinking Clashes
25:14 – The Hospital Story: Why Being Present Mattered Most
32:27 – Revisiting Old Conflicts Without Re-Traumatizing
37:52 – What They’ve Learned & What’s Coming in Part 2
✨ About Stephanie & Dan Holmes:
Rev. Dr. Stephanie C. Holmes, Ed.D, MA, BCCC is a Certified Autism Specialist, neurodiverse marriage therapist, ordained minister, and former licensed professional counselor. When their daughter was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, Stephanie’s professional focus shifted to serving neurodiverse families and couples. Stephanie is the founder of Autism Spectrum Resources for Marriage & Family and co-founder (with Dan) of The International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriage. She co-hosts the NeuroDiverse Christian Couples podcast and coaches couples around the world navigating the complexities of faith and neurodiversity in marriage.
Rev. Dan Holmes, MCS is a seasoned systems architect, ordained minister, and Master Life Coach who specializes in working with neurodivergent men. Dan blends technical expertise with coaching and ministry experience. He received his autism diagnosis later in life in 2019, which deeply informs his work and perspective.
📚 Explore Stephanie’s and Dan’s books:
“Uniquely Us: Gracefully Navigating the Maze of Neurodiverse Marriage, Autism and Faith” https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/uniquely-us-stephanie-c-holmes/1146104450?ean=9781636985435
“Embracing the Autism Spectrum: Finding Hope & Joy Navigating the NeuroDiverse Family Journey” https://www.holmesasr.com/embracing-the-autism-spectrum
🎧 Listen to the NeuroDiverse Christian Couples podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/neurodiverse-christian-couples--4992356
📩 Connect with Stephanie: dr.stephanie@holmesASR.com
📩 Connect with Dan: dan@holmesASR.com
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👩💼 About Your Host: Jodi Carlton, MEd Jodi Carlton is a neurodiverse relationship coach with over 20 years of experience as a therapist, coach, author, and educator. She’s also neurodivergent herself—diagnosed with ADHD as an adult—and brings both professional expertise and personal experience to her work. After 19 years in a marriage with an autistic partner, raising neurodivergent children, and discovering that nearly her entire extended family is neurodiverse, Jodi developed a deeply personal understanding of what it takes for relationships like yours to work - and she understands the devastating pitfalls that threaten neurodiverse couples. She now coaches individuals, couples, and families around the world using a solution-focused approach that delivers real clarity and lasting change.
🎧 Explore more episodes, free resources, quizzes, and courses at: 👉 https://jodicarlton.com
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YOUR Neurodiverse Relationship with Jodi Carlton, MEd