Calmly Coping

Loosening the Grip of Perfectionism with Dr. Tara Cousineau

Jul 9, 2025
Guest
Tara Cousineau
Dr. Tara Cousineau, a Harvard clinical psychologist and author, dives deep into the hidden struggles of perfectionism. She reveals how it often stems from fear and anxiety, cloaked as a strength in high achievers. Tara shares insights on embracing self-compassion and using Internal Family Systems to heal from perfectionist urges. She emphasizes the importance of body-based practices and simple mindset shifts to soften the inner critic, encouraging listeners to break free from the exhausting pressure to perform.
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INSIGHT

Perfectionism's Spectrum Explained

  • Perfectionism exists on a spectrum influenced by the need for belonging and energy regulation.
  • Well-regulated energy fosters happy achievement, while depletion leads to isolation and stress.
INSIGHT

Why Perfectionism is Just Protection in Disguise

Perfectionism often masks a deep need for belonging and fear of rejection rather than mere striving for excellence. Dr. Tara Cousineau defines perfectionism as "a paradox created by the need for belonging paired with unrealistic expectations for achievement and approval that sap your energy." This means perfectionism acts as a form of protection to avoid negative consequences like rejection or failure.

People develop different flavors of perfectionism based on past experiences and internal parts, such as a perfectionistic "manager" self and a procrastinating "firefighter" self that numbs pain. Healing involves recognizing these parts, practicing self-compassion, and using body-based techniques like acupressure and Emotional Freedom Technique to calm the nervous system.

Connecting to the emotional pain behind perfectionism, often linked to childhood experiences or internalized shame, is key to loosening its grip and becoming a happy achiever without exhaustion.

INSIGHT

Perfectionism as Protection

  • Perfectionism is deeply rooted in the primal human need to belong and avoid rejection.
  • It acts as a protective mechanism to prevent social exclusion and ensure survival.
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