Friendship does not happen organically in adulthood, so it is important to be proactive in making and maintaining connections.
Friendship allows us to express different aspects of our identities and brings richness and complexity to our lives.
Deep dives
The Importance of Adult Friendships
Psychologist Marissa Franco discusses the importance of nurturing adult friendships and how they contribute to our well-being. She highlights the need for an entire community to feel whole, as being around just a spouse or partner only surfaces a limited part of ourselves. Franco also explores why friendships tend to be devalued and emphasizes the significance of making an effort to initiate and maintain friendships. She shares two key observations: friendship does not happen organically in adulthood, and research suggests that we are less likely to be rejected than we think. Franco encourages assuming that people like us and actively engaging with others to overcome the fear and mistrust associated with making friends.
The Role of Friendship in Our Lives
Franco delves into the reasons behind the devaluation of friendship in our cultures, where familial and romantic love often take precedence. She explains that our bodies inherently recognize the need for an entire community to feel complete, and that friendship allows us to express different aspects of our identities. Franco highlights the paradox of people, where the entity we need the most to feel healthy and connected can also cause us harm. By bringing friendship to the bottom of the hierarchy, we fail to recognize its significance in our overall well-being. She emphasizes the richness and complexity that friendships bring to our lives and encourages prioritizing and valuing these connections.
Overcoming Obstacles to Making Friends
Franco addresses the obstacles and challenges people face in making friends, especially in adulthood. She shares her own experience of apprehension and fear when trying to connect with her neighbors in a new apartment, highlighting the struggle to step out of our comfort zones due to the paradox of people. Franco explains that friendship does not happen organically and often requires effort and initiation. She encourages assuming that people like us and overcoming covert avoidance, which involves engaging with others rather than passively showing up. Franco emphasizes the importance of not just being physically present, but actively engaging with others to foster connection and create meaningful friendships.
Building and Maintaining Friendships
Franco provides practical tips on building and maintaining friendships. She shares her personal experience of making friends during a trip to Mexico City, highlighting the importance of initiating conversations and engagements. Franco suggests joining groups or activities that meet regularly, providing opportunities for repeated unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability. She emphasizes the role of mere exposure effect, where the more we show up and engage with people, the more likely they are to like us. Franco also discusses the concept of super friends, who are secure in themselves, exhibit qualities of generosity and empathy, and make others feel valued. She concludes by emphasizing the need to be flexible and proactive in maintaining long-distance friendships, viewing them as flexible rather than fragile.
Making friends as an adult can feel like a baffling obstacle course. Why was it so much easier to connect as kids? To help you find well-rounded and fulfilling friendships, psychologist Marisa Franco discusses science-backed tips on how to make (and keep) friends, like the optimism-inducing "acceptance prophecy" and the shame-reducing "theory of chums." Learn more about the power of platonic love and how it can help you experience the full richness and complexity of who you are. This conversation, hosted by TED current affairs curator Whitney Pennington Rodgers, was part of an exclusive TED Membership event, and later published on TED Talks Daily, another podcast from the TED Audio Collective. You can find more episodes wherever you're listening to this or visit ted.com/membership to become a TED Member.
