Therapist Sahaj Kaur Kohli on How to Respond to, ‘But What Will People Say?
Dec 6, 2024
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Sahaj Kaur Kohli, a therapist, mental health columnist for the Washington Post, and founder of Brown Girl Therapy, shares her journey as a child of Indian immigrants. She addresses the unique mental health challenges faced by children of immigrants, including high parental expectations and ‘thriver's guilt.’ Sahaj discusses the formation of bicultural identity and the emotional impact of intergenerational trauma. Her new book provides practical advice for navigating identity, love, family, and the personal stories that inspire her work in mental health.
Sahaj Kaur Kohli discusses the duality of identity faced by children of immigrants, torn between cultural expectations and individual aspirations.
She highlights the mental health struggles stemming from parental pressures and the lack of support for navigating depression in immigrant families.
Kohli emphasizes the importance of community and tailored mental health resources for individuals grappling with bicultural challenges and 'thriver's guilt.'
Deep dives
Cultural Expectations and Identity Struggles
Sahej Korkoli shares her experience growing up in a traditional Indian immigrant family, facing immense cultural expectations from her parents, who were concerned about her losing touch with their roots. She felt torn between her family's collectivist values and the individualistic culture of suburban Virginia. This duality led to feelings of inadequacy, where she struggled to identify as either Indian or American, ultimately feeling like she was not enough in both cultural spheres. This clash of identities is a common theme among children of immigrants, impacting their mental health and sense of belonging.
The Impact of Mental Health on Immigrant Families
Korkoli discusses her difficult journey through depression, which was compounded by the lack of understanding and support from her immigrant parents. They struggled to comprehend her mental health issues, attributing them to a lack of faith or resilience instead of recognizing the need for professional help. The disconnect between their traditional beliefs and her therapeutic needs highlighted the challenges faced by many children of immigrants when seeking mental health support. This experience motivated her to become a therapist and advocate for mental health awareness within immigrant communities.
Creating Spaces for Bicultural Identity
Through her initiative Brown Girl Therapy, Korkoli strives to address the unique experiences of children of immigrants grappling with bicultural identity. She emphasizes the importance of community support that acknowledges both cultural heritages rather than adhering solely to individualistic or collectivist perspectives. Korkoli highlights the absence of mental health resources tailored to those navigating bicultural challenges during her training, prompting her to create spaces for these discussions. This initiative has been instrumental in empowering individuals by fostering a sense of belonging and understanding within their cultural contexts.
Navigating Parental Expectations
Korkoli notes that children of immigrants often carry the burden of their parents' sacrifices, leading to what she identifies as 'thriver's guilt.' This phenomenon manifests as pressure to exceed their parents' achievements while grappling with the expectations placed upon them. She encourages individuals to explore their personal values and cultivate a balanced perspective on success. This evolving understanding is vital for children of immigrants to embrace their identities without feeling constrained by their parents' aspirations.
The Role of Language and Cultural Connections
The podcast addresses how language acquisition plays a crucial role in the emotional and cultural journeys of children of immigrants. Korkoli recounts her loss of Punjabi as a child due to her parents' desire for her to integrate into American society, which resulted in shame and difficulty reconnecting with her heritage. This sentiment resonates across various immigrant communities, where maintaining language ties is often fraught with pressure. Ultimately, Korkoli advocates for embracing one's cultural nuances to forge deeper connections to identity and community.
Growing up in an Indian family, Sahaj Kaur Kohli felt pressured to meet her parents’ high expectations for a “good Sikh girl”. Despite being a top student in high school, she battled depression, struggled to keep up in college and dropped out. She eventually went on to become a therapist, mental health advice columnist for the Washington Post, and founder of Brown Girl Therapy, an online community. Through her work, she saw how her experiences mirrored those of many other children of immigrants who feel obligated to succeed, maintain cultural norms, and repay their parents’ sacrifices. Kohli joins us to talk about her new book, “But What Will People Say?” that chronicles her journey and provides practical advice for navigating mental health.
Guests:
Sahaj Kohli, therapist; writer; speaker; and founder, Brown Girl Therapy; author of the book, "But What Will People Say? Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures."
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