Terry Real, a renowned relationship therapist and author of Relational Life Therapy, joins his wife Belinda Berman-Real to share their insights on navigating the complexities of marriage. They discuss personal journeys through trauma and sobriety, emphasizing the importance of repair in relationships. Terry introduces the idea of 'harmony, disharmony, and repair,' while Belinda stresses self-regulation in fostering love. Their candid reflections on conflict and healing offer profound lessons for those looking to deepen their connections.
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question_answer ANECDOTE
Learning Stick Shift
Terry Real learned to drive stick in Manhattan traffic on his first try.
He uses this analogy to illustrate how if a relationship skill works between him and Belinda, it's likely effective.
insights INSIGHT
Harmony, Disharmony, Repair
Real relationships aren't always harmonious.
They cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair, requiring skills for navigating disruptions.
insights INSIGHT
A Hot Couple
Terry and Belinda, being a "hot couple," have fiery disagreements.
Their knee-jerk reaction is to fight due to their backgrounds in emotionally and physically violent homes.
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Zach and Laura interview Terry and Belinda Berman-Real, diving deep into their personal relationship dynamics and the lessons learned through years of couples therapy and individual healing. The conversation touches on themes of sobriety, trauma, recovery, and the power of relational healing.
Zach starts by sharing his journey through recovery and how it has influenced his marriage, while Belinda and Terry provide insights into their own marriage, particularly how they overcame significant challenges stemming from trauma and emotional reactivity. They discuss the importance of repairing relationships through honest, sometimes painful, confrontation and how they’ve evolved from fighting for survival to fighting for love and connection.
One of the major takeaways is Terry’s explanation of the concept of "harmony, disharmony, and repair," emphasizing that no relationship is free from conflict, but the key lies in learning how to repair after the inevitable disruptions. Belinda adds that their journey has been one of learning to regulate themselves and each other in ways that foster love and security, rather than reactivity and defense.
They reflect on the impact of their trauma histories and how these experiences not only shaped their early relationship struggles but also led them to profound personal growth. Throughout the episode, Terry and Belinda share real-life stories, making this episode a rich blend of personal insight and professional expertise.
Episode Highlights:
Sobriety and Growth: Zach reflects on his sobriety journey and how it has paralleled his growth as a partner, highlighting the importance of personal transformation in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Trauma and Its Lasting Effects: Terry and Belinda share how their childhood trauma impacted their early relationship, focusing on the process of moving from emotional reactivity to emotional regulation.
The Art of Repair: Terry introduces the idea of "harmony, disharmony, and repair," explaining that relationships aren't about avoiding conflict but learning to repair after conflict in order to strengthen connection.
Partners in Recovery: Belinda and Terry discuss how they see themselves as "partners in recovery," constantly working on themselves and their relationship to break free from their old patterns and build something stronger.
Fighting for Connection, Not Survival: The couple explains how their marriage has transitioned from fighting for survival to fighting for love, and the role that therapy, honesty, and self-awareness have played in that shift.
Marriage Therapy Radio 