464 SelfWork (Second Time Around): Attachment and Intimacy

Sep 19, 2025

Explore the fascinating world of attachment styles and their roots in childhood. Discover how these styles shape your adult relationships, and learn that change is possible. Delve into the strengths and challenges of anxious and avoidant attachments. Find out how awareness can help you shift your relational responses. Hear practical tips for managing conflict in relationships, and understand how secure connections can foster stability. Plus, insights on navigating intimacy for those who struggle with loneliness or shame.

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INSIGHT

Attachment Security Is Malleable

Attachment security can change over time and is influenced by relationships and experiences.
Being with secure partners or healing from trauma can increase your attachment security.

INSIGHT

Different Expressions Of Insecurity

Anxious and avoidant styles both stem from insecurity but show different behaviors.
Each style also carries adaptive strengths like sensitivity or objectivity.

ADVICE

Awareness Is The First Step

Start by simply noticing your habitual attachment responses.
Awareness alone is one of the best ways to begin changing those automatic reactions.

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Today we'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they're created in childhood. As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what you’re not. But your style can also change – and that’s what we’ll focus on… what you can do about it. You can also click on a link to a questionnaire in your show notes that’s free and you can determine what your own attachment style is currently!

Here’s the link to the attachment questionnaire! Click this link!

I also received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in on relationships.

Vital Links:

Mark Manson on attachment styles

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Other offerings from Dr. Margaret

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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