Bare Marriage Episode 284: The Problems with the Book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
May 22, 2025
Ngina Otiende, a marriage coach empowering women, teams up with Bethany Jantzi, a mental health expert specializing in coercive control, to dissect Willard Harley's book 'His Needs, Her Needs.' They spotlight its shortcomings, particularly its neglect of trauma in abusive relationships and its reinforcement of harmful gender roles. The duo advocates for a nuanced understanding of marriage, emphasizing women's autonomy, the importance of evidence-based advice, and tackling outdated myths about commitment. Their discussion reveals the need for more inclusive and supportive resources in relationship guidance.
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Problems with Gendered Needs
- Willard Harley categorizes men's needs as including physical attractiveness and domestic support, while women's needs include affection and honesty.
- This rigid gendering of needs fails to reflect the complex overlap and variety of individual intimacy needs.
Weight and Attractiveness Expectation
- Harley's framing that men have an emotional need for their wives to maintain physical attractiveness reinforces entitlement and is sexist.
- This has led some women to harmful dieting or even contributed to marital breakdown.
John and Mary Anecdote Critique
- Harley's anecdote of John and Mary blames the wife for the marriage's decline when she balances school, housework, and childcare.
- It penalizes her for having other commitments rather than encouraging husband support or partnership.
