#330: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents with Dr. Stan Tatkin
Dec 4, 2023
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Dr. Stan Tatkin, a brilliant guest, discusses the challenges of new parenting. Topics include disagreements in parenting style, changes in sexual dynamics, mastering communication and connection, navigating the transition to parenthood, the impact of modern distractions, and rekindling intimacy after parenthood.
Maintaining a strong sense of self and clear communication are crucial for new parents to navigate the challenges of their changing relationship.
Co-regulation, attending to each other's needs and emotions, helps couples foster intimacy and avoid adversarial dynamics.
Deep dives
Challenges couples face after having a baby
After having a baby, many couples struggle to maintain a healthy relationship due to various reasons. One reason is the lack of preparation and guidance for couples on how to navigate the changes that come with parenthood. Another issue is that partners may not have a solid sense of self before becoming parents, leading to difficulties in adjusting to their new roles. Additionally, the addition of a third person, the baby, can disrupt the dynamics between partners and cause feelings of jealousy, being left out, or demoted. Overall, the main reasons for relationship struggles after having a baby are the lack of preparation, difficulties in maintaining a strong sense of self, and the changes in dynamics caused by the presence of a child.
Shifting from two to three in a relationship
When a couple transitions from being a couple to being parents, it is important to establish that they both remain as primaries in the relationship. This involves ensuring that each partner still feels valued, included, and important, despite the changes brought by the presence of a baby. It requires open communication, setting clear agreements, and enforcing those agreements. Partners need to signal to each other that they are still each other's primary and work together to manage the introduction of the third person in their relationship. By maintaining a strong sense of primary attachment with each other, partners can avoid feelings of jealousy or being replaced and ensure that their relationship remains strong even with the challenges of raising a child.
Co-regulation in maintaining a healthy relationship
Co-regulation is a key aspect of maintaining intimacy and a healthy relationship. It involves being masters at each other and being able to regulate each other's states of mind and body. This is important, especially during times of stress, when partners may revert to an individualistic mindset rather than a collaborative one. Co-regulation requires partners to be attentive to each other's needs and emotions, calming each other when upset, raising each other up when depressed, and soothing each other when anxious. It is about working together as a team and being able to anticipate and respond to each other's needs in real-time. By practicing co-regulation, couples can foster intimacy, maintain connection, and avoid adversarial dynamics.
Nurturing intimacy and rekindling sexual connection
Maintaining intimacy and a healthy sexual connection can be challenging for couples, especially after having a baby. Factors such as physical healing, hormonal changes, fatigue, and hyperfocus on the baby can impact one's libido and desire for intimacy. It is important for partners to understand and empathize with each other's experiences, taking into account the physical and emotional effects of childbirth. To rekindle intimacy, couples should focus on being present and attentive to each other, engaging in various forms of connection beyond sexual intercourse. It involves exploring different activities, having open conversations, gazing into each other's eyes, and finding ways to create moments of emotional and physical closeness. By prioritizing presence, attention, and adaptability, couples can navigate the changes in their sexual relationship and continue to deepen their intimacy.
In this episode, I welcome back the brilliant Dr. Stan Tatkin to the show. This time, we’re talking about parenting, especially from the lens of being new parents. Dr. Tatkin co-authored the book Baby Bomb, which dives deep into the nuances of new parenting and the effects it has on the couple’s relationship dynamic. Couples are often unprepared for the challenges of parenthood and lack a solid foundation in their relationship. Dr. Tatkin covers topics like disagreements in parenting style, embracing the change in sexual dynamics, and how to master communication and connection. Whether you’ve got a babe on the way, are a new parent, or are interested in learning how to parent better - this episode is a MUST listen!
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He is the best-selling author of In Each Other’s Care (4/25), along with the relationship must-have book, Wired for Love. Dr. Tatkin speaks and teaches around the world on how to understand, create and sustain secure-functioning relationships. He helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.
—Dr. Tatkin's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/
—The PACT Institute Website: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/
Themes: Authenticity, Belonging, Parenting, New Parents, Relationships, Boundaries, Attachment Theory, Transformation, Conflict, Mental Health, Psychology
0:00:00 Intro
0:10:57 Co-regulating Practices for Improved Communication and Connection
0:14:16 Challenges in Modern Times: Distractions, Isolation, and Lack of Support
0:16:41 Fighting for Two Winners: The Concept of Win-Win in Relationships
0:19:07 Navigating Disagreements in Parenting Styles
0:21:12 Parenting: Collaborative and ever-evolving
0:23:11 Taking charge of parenting, creating something entirely different
0:27:00 Understanding intimacy and embracing change in sexual dynamics
0:29:02 Growing up, accepting losses, and deepening intimacy in relationships
0:30:57 Embracing the opportunity to become a better couple through parenting
0:33:25 Profound Insights on Communication Struggles and Self-awareness
0:35:23 The Humaneness of Communication: An Opportunity for Growth
This episode is sponsored by:
—BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com/GROVES
—SafeSleeve: Use code GROVES10 for 10% off sitewide at safesleevecases.com
Drop us a note at podcast@markgroves.com for sponsor product support, questions, comments, guest suggestions, or just to say hello!
