Working with sex and sexuality using IFS with Victoria Kirby
Mar 22, 2022
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Victoria Kirby, an IFS and IFIO therapist from London, shares her insights on navigating the complexities of sex and sexuality. With a rich background in public health and sexual health advocacy, she discusses the intricate interplay of emotional needs, consent, and sexual shame in therapy. Victoria emphasizes the importance of creating a safe environment to explore genuine sexual needs and addresses challenges therapists face in discussions of sexuality. She also highlights her upcoming workshop, aiming to equip practitioners with tools for deeper conversations around sexual identity and relationships.
Acknowledging sexuality in therapy addresses core attachment needs, promoting healthier relationships and better therapeutic outcomes for clients.
Understanding internal consent helps clients recognize discrepancies between external and internal agreement, fostering emotional safety during sexual interactions.
Deep dives
The Significance of Sexuality in Therapy
Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of human identity and psychological well-being, existing from birth to death. Many therapists overlook this critical area due to societal shame and the stigma surrounding discussions of sex. By neglecting sexuality in therapy, practitioners fail to address core attachment needs such as safety, connection, and belonging. Acknowledging and exploring these needs can lead to healthier sexual relationships and better therapeutic outcomes for clients.
Internal Consent and Its Challenges
Internal consent is a complex concept that involves ensuring all parts of a person support and agree to sexual experiences, not just external consent. Often, clients may appear to consent externally while feeling internal pressure or coercion due to unmet attachment needs and fear of rejection. Therapists can help clients recognize these discrepancies, allowing individuals to tune into their varying parts and understand their emotional safety during sexual interactions. The process fosters self-awareness about boundaries and personal needs, ultimately facilitating healthier sexual experiences.
The Role of Shame in Sexuality
Shame plays a significant role in how individuals perceive and engage with their sexuality, often stemming from cultural expectations and personal experiences. This often leads to a shame spiral, where negative beliefs about oneself can perpetuate unhealthy sexual behaviors and disconnect from emotional needs. Understanding the function of shame can help clients recognize that feelings of unworthiness are universal, enabling them to feel more connected to their common humanity. Therapeutic work can help individuals confront and reframe their narratives around shame, paving the way for acceptance and healing.
Victoria is an IFS and IFIO therapist working in private practice in London. She is passionate about applying the IFS model to working with sex and sexuality and is currently delivering workshops and designing resources to support other practitioners in this area of work.
Victoria previously worked in public health. She completed a master's degree in health promotion and worked as a Senior Health Improvement Specialist, specialising first in young people's sexual health and then in HIV prevention in men who have sex with men.
Victoria then trained in psychotherapy and completed a master's programme in psychodynamic and person-centred modalities. She gained Accreditation with the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy and Advanced Accreditation as a Gender, Sexuality and Relationship Diversities Therapist with Pink Therapy. Before moving into private practice, Victoria coordinated a specialist counselling service in a central London clinic working with clients around out of control sexual behaviours, understanding and asserting sexual needs, coming to terms with sexual health diagnosis, exploring sexual identity and difficulties having sex.