Mark Goulston, a doctor with terminal cancer, shares life lessons on better connections, listening, and curiosity. He discusses the power of vulnerability and the importance of forgiveness when facing the end of life. He also reflects on cherishing family and living in the moment.
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Quick takeaways
Letting go and finding peace of mind is more important than chasing accomplishments.
Developing awareness and curiosity can bring peace and contentment, leading to stronger connections.
Separating true priorities from distractions and finding peace amidst challenges is crucial for a fulfilling life.
Deep dives
Lessons from Dr. Mark Goulston's Confrontation with Mortality
Dr. Mark Goulston, a retired psychiatrist and specialist in death and dying, shares the lessons he's learned from his own mortality. He emphasizes the importance of letting go and finding peace of mind, rather than chasing after accomplishments. Dr. Goulston also highlights the power of vulnerability and authentic connections, which he has experienced in his final days. He discusses the criteria for a good death and the need for conversations about death and dying. Additionally, he explores the misconceptions about dying and the distractions that prevent people from prioritizing what truly matters in life.
The Value of Listening and Awareness in Dying Better
Dr. Goulston emphasizes the importance of listening and awareness in the process of dying. He shares that many people are constantly talking, which hinders their ability to connect with others. He encourages individuals to develop awareness and curiosity, which can bring peace and contentment. Dr. Goulston also discusses the exercise of deeply listening to others and understanding what they are truly seeking. He suggests that by practicing this exercise, people can strengthen their connections and add value to the lives of those around them.
Discovering True Priorities and Letting Go of Distractions
Dr. Mark Goulston highlights the importance of separating true priorities from distractions. He suggests eliminating the tendencies to prove, show, hide, or please, which often lead to stress and overwhelm. By developing awareness and curiosity, individuals can shift their focus and connect with what truly matters. Dr. Goulston also emphasizes the need to let go of frenzied activity and find peace amidst life's challenges. He shares anecdotes and practical exercises that help people delve deeper into their emotions and connect with others on a more authentic level.
Effective Communication Techniques in Difficult Moments
Dr. Goulston offers effective communication techniques to navigate difficult moments and conflicts. He introduces the FUD CRUD technique, which involves acknowledging and understanding the frustrations and disappointments of others. By validating their emotions and genuinely listening, conflict can be diffused and resolution can be achieved. Dr. Goulston shares personal anecdotes of using these techniques in road rage situations and emphasizes the importance of genuine empathy and connection in handling challenging interactions.
The Power of Apologies and Forgiveness
Apologies and forgiveness play a crucial role in relationships and personal growth, including during the process of dying. The speaker shares a personal story about forgiving his late father and realizing the need to apologize to him. This highlights the importance of accepting apologies that will never be received and the transformative power of forgiveness. Additionally, the speaker explores the concept of self-forgiveness and how it can positively impact one's life and relationships. This reflection on forgiveness and apologies encourages listeners to consider their own experiences and the healing potential they hold.
The Value of Authentic Connections and Love
In the face of mortality, the speaker emphasizes the significance of genuine connections and love. The importance of family and the deep love shared between individuals is highlighted. The speaker recalls a powerful conversation with a friend who realized that, despite financial success, having people who truly love and appreciate you is priceless. This revelation prompts reflection on the value of love and family, underscoring that material possessions and achievements pale in comparison. The speaker also mentions the power of vulnerability and being open to receiving care and support from others. This message encourages the audience to prioritize meaningful connections and cherish the love they have in their lives.
If you had the opportunity to reflect on your life, relationships, and the legacy you would like to leave the world with, what reflections would you have, and what wisdom would you share on living a content and peaceful life? Would your answers change if you knew your death was impending, and what would you prioritize in your remaining days?
Today, on The Dhru Purohit Podcast, Dhru sits down with Dr. Mark Goulston to discuss the lessons that dying has imparted on him and that he is eager to share with the world. Dr. Goulston shares exercises and practices that can help us be better listeners, build awareness, and create genuine curiosity to make better connections.
Dr. Mark Goulston is a retired psychiatrist and a specialist in the field of death and dying who is currently confronting his own mortality. He’s also a former FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer. He is the author or co-author of ten books, with his book, Just Listen, ranking as the top book on listening worldwide. He also hosts his highly-rated podcast, My Wakeup Call. He's renowned as the inventor of Surgical Empathy, an approach he employed with suicidal patients.
In this episode, Dhru and Dr. Goulston dive into (audio version / Apple Subscriber version):
Dr. Goulston’s career and practice, and how he found peace in confronting his terminal diagnosis (2:20 / 2:20)
Dr. Goulston’s diagnosis of leukemia and the treatment he is undergoing (9:44 / 6:45)
Wisdom from Dr. Goulston’s late father (14:05 / 10:48)
Actual vulnerability and how Dr. Goulston believes he is “giving to live” (19:17 / 16:11)
The importance of making sure friends and family feel loved by you (26:35 / 24:00)
A key question to create connection (28:16 / 25:40)
Dr. Goulston’s mentor’s advice on the criteria for having a good death (34:50 / 32:07)
Myths about dying, acceptance and surrendering to the idea of dying and the peace of mind you feel (41:04 / 38:05)
What prohibits people from prioritizing connection in life (43:25 / 41:16)
The importance of listening and how it creates awareness and curiosity (48:58 / 46:36)
Using the HUVA exercise (58:00 / 55:06)
Prove, Show, Hide, and Please exercise and eliminating those from your personality (1:02:00 / 59:40)
The FUD CRUD technique to invite frustrations out without judgment (1:17:00 / 1:14:00)
Dr. Goulston’s ideas on self-forgiveness and letting go of what he felt he did not achieve (1:24:00 / 1:21:04)
Dr. Goulston’s belief that he exists as a catalyst to help people heal (1:44:25 / 1:41:29)
