The Hidden Cost of Perfectionism: Why You Never Feel Good Enough with Ellen Hendriksen
Feb 21, 2025
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Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and author specializing in perfectionism and self-acceptance, shares groundbreaking insights on why perfectionism often leaves us feeling inadequate. She discusses how perfectionism can be disguised as a strength but leads to self-criticism and procrastination. Ellen reveals that procrastination is an emotional regulation issue and emphasizes the power of self-compassion. By embracing imperfection and understanding our true worth, she encourages listeners to liberate themselves from the burdens of high expectations.
Perfectionism disguises itself as positivity but often results in self-criticism, procrastination, and emotional exhaustion, negatively impacting mental health.
The conflation of self-worth with performance leads to anxiety and fear of failure, hindering personal growth and appreciation of inherent value.
Recognizing procrastination as an emotional regulation issue allows individuals to manage anxiety better while addressing their tasks effectively.
Deep dives
The Illusion of Perfectionism
Perfectionism often disguises itself as a positive trait, such as being hardworking or detail-oriented, yet it can lead to negative self-criticism and over-evaluation. Many individuals confuse conscientiousness with the harsh judgment associated with perfectionism, where they equate their self-worth with their performance. This mindset can hinder personal growth and lead to feelings of never being good enough. Recognizing this distinction can be crucial for understanding the impact of perfectionism on one’s mental health and self-esteem.
The Perception of Value and Worth
The podcast explores the detrimental effects of over-evaluation, which involves conflating one’s self-worth with their achievements. This can manifest in various domains, from academic performance to professional success, where individuals feel that their value is contingent upon how well they perform. This mindset creates cycles of anxiety and fear surrounding failure, making it difficult for individuals to appreciate their inherent worth outside of their accomplishments. Recognizing this pattern can help individuals reclaim their self-identity separate from their output.
Embracing Mistakes and Learning
People with perfectionist tendencies often struggle to handle mistakes effectively, sometimes viewing errors as catastrophic rather than opportunities for growth. The podcast discusses contrasting examples of figures like Mr. Rogers and Walt Disney; while Rogers embraced mistakes and integrated them into his work, Disney obsessively focused on flaws to the detriment of his creative process. Emphasizing that mistakes are a natural part of any endeavor, individuals can learn to be more forgiving toward themselves, ultimately paving the way for personal and professional development. This shift in mindset enables a more balanced approach to achievement and self-compassion.
Understanding Procrastination and Emotions
Procrastination is often more about emotion regulation than time management, particularly for perfectionists who fear failure or high standards. Those experiencing this often resort to distractions to alleviate anxiety, postponing tasks despite knowing they have the skills to complete them. The emotional turmoil that comes from this behavior creates a cyclical pattern of guilt and increased stress over time. By recognizing procrastination as an emotional response, individuals can better strategize how to manage their feelings while addressing tasks at hand.
Strategies for Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion is crucial for those affected by perfectionism, as it allows them to navigate their feelings of inadequacy more effectively. One method outlined in the podcast includes visualizing negative emotions and making space for them, ultimately decreasing their power over an individual’s psyche. By accepting feelings without self-judgment, individuals can learn to reduce the weight of shame and guilt that often accompanies perfectionist thinking. Practicing self-kindness and understanding can cultivate resilience, leading to a healthier relationship with oneself.
In this episode, Ellen Hendriksen discusses the hidden costs of perfectionism and why you never feel good enough. She shares the various ways perfectionism disguises itself as a positive trait—when in reality, it can lead to self-criticism, procrastination, and emotional exhaustion. Ellen also explains why perfectionism is less about being perfect and more about never feeling good enough, how self-acceptance is the antidote, and why procrastination is actually an emotional regulation problem (not a time management issue).
Key Takeaways:
(01:02) – Perfectionism isn’t about being perfect—it’s about never feeling good enough
(03:26) – The two wolves of perfectionism: Conscientiousness vs. Self-Criticism
(07:36) – Overevaluation: When self-worth gets tangled with performance
(16:57) – Guided Drift: Mr. Rogers’ surprising philosophy on perfection and mistakes
(26:51) – The power of self-compassion: You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy
(39:40) – Emotional Perfectionism: The toxic belief that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way
(43:59) – Why procrastination is actually about emotion management—not time management
(50:46) – How to release past mistakes and stop ruminating over failures
