Relationship expert Stan Tatkin discusses the bond between hate and love in relationships, exploring childhood injustices and attachment theory. He emphasizes the importance of balance and cooperation in maintaining healthy partnerships, while also delving into topics like prenuptial agreements, hiring challenges, and the significance of shared principles in relationships.
Anger and love are intertwined in relationships, bonding partners despite conflicts.
Secure functioning principles in relationships foster emotional security and well-being.
Establishing Shared Principles of Governance ensures mutual support and prevents emotional detachment.
Deep dives
Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy by Stan Tatkin
Stan Tatkin, a renowned author and therapist, discusses his psychobiological approach to couples therapy known as PACT, emphasizing attachment theory to help couples establish secure functioning principles. Tatkin, an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, has trained numerous therapists in this approach, guiding couples through conflicts by addressing primal instincts and brain responses.
Evolution of 'Wired for Love'
Tatkin reflects on his book 'Wired for Love', now reissued with updated content to encompass a wider spectrum of relationships, beyond heteronormative dyadic structures. He acknowledges the need for inclusivity in discussing ethical and consensual dynamics like polyamory and transgender relationships, evolving beyond his initial portrayal.
Importance of Secure Functioning in Relationships
Tatkin stresses the significance of 'secure functioning' in relationships, where couples establish social contracts to ensure mutual protection, respect, and shared decision-making. By focusing on creating a safe and cooperative environment, partners can navigate conflicts and challenges effectively, fostering emotional security and well-being.
Couples' Shared Principles of Governance
Tatkin advocates for couples to establish Shared Principles of Governance (SPGs) to govern their relationships. These principles emphasize mutual support, prompt resolution of conflicts, joint decision-making, and consistent acts of love and affection. By aligning on SPGs, couples can maintain closeness and prevent emotional detachment or indifference.
Ensuring Fairness and Mutual Support
Tatkin underlines the need for fairness, accountability, and mutual support in relationships. He discourages last-minute prenuptial agreements or any actions that create unfair power dynamics. Encouraging partners to prioritize collaboration, transparency, and respecting each other's interests, he emphasizes that true partnership requires equal investment and consideration.
Stan Tatkin is an author, therapist, and researcher who guides couples toward more durable relationships. He developed the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), a non-linear approach that explores attachment theory to help couples adopt secure-functioning principles: In short, Stan and his wife, Tracey, train therapists to work through a psychobiological lens. Often, our brains get away from us when we’re in conflict in our relationships—we lose ourselves to our instincts. He has trained thousands of therapists to integrate PACT into their clinical practice, offers intensive counseling sessions, and co-leads couples retreats with his wife. Tatkin is also an assistant clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA.
In today’s conversation we talk about the table stakes of a good relationship: Nobody cares about your survival more than your partner, something we easily forget. As it were, we get into a fascinating sidebar on Pre-Nuptial Agreements, which in Stan’s estimation cause many relationships to founder. I’ll let him tell you why.