Exploring the challenges and complex emotions of celebrating Mother's Day with toxic or estranged parents, self-gaslighting in estranged relationships, feelings of failure, and strategies for reframing the holiday and finding peace.
Mother's Day can amplify feelings of grief and resentment for individuals estranged from their mothers, due to idealized portrayals of motherhood in society.
Gaslighting from toxic parents can lead to self-doubt, but reflecting on emotions and journaling can help distinguish reality from the illusions created to validate abuse.
Deep dives
Challenging Mother's Day for Estranged Individuals
Mother's Day can be a challenging time for individuals who are estranged from their mothers or have toxic relationships with them. Social media, marketing, and supermarkets often inundate them with fairy tale ideas of what motherhood and a mother-child relationship should be like. This can amplify feelings of grief, resentment, and comparison. It is important to remember that it is not about them, but about their mothers' behavior. However, it is okay to grieve and feel despondent. The commercialization of Mother's Day can further exacerbate these emotions, as toxic relationships are not reflected in cards or social media posts. It is common to feel dread and anxiety around Mother's Day due to societal expectations and input from others. It is crucial for individuals in such situations to prioritize self-care, validate their emotions, and let go of guilt surrounding their choices. Focusing on oneself as a mother or celebrating other maternal figures in their lives can also provide a positive reframing of the day. Overall, individuals in estrangement situations should remember that their self-worth is not determined by their relationship with their mothers.
Gaslighting and Self-Doubt
Events like Mother's Day can trigger memories of the good times and lead to self-doubt and questioning if the abuse was imagined. This self-doubt is a common experience for those who have cut ties with toxic parents or have been raised by them. Gaslighting, a behavior commonly observed in toxic parents, leads individuals to doubt their own experiences and perceptions. However, it is important to challenge self-gaslighting by imagining someone else making similar statements and considering the emotions it evokes. Journaling and reflecting on memories can also help distinguish between reality and the illusions created to validate abusive behavior.
Reframing Mother's Day and Celebrating Oneself
One approach to coping with Mother's Day is reframing the day to celebrate oneself, especially for those who are mothers themselves. Focusing on self-care, doing something special, or treating oneself can be empowering and help shift the narrative away from their own relationships with their mothers. Additionally, celebrating and expressing gratitude to other maternal figures in their lives, such as grandmothers, aunts, or family friends, can provide a positive outlet. However, it is essential to acknowledge that not everyone finds comfort in this approach, and for some, it may feel like a betrayal or reinforce feelings of jealousy and resentment.
Addressing Feelings of Failure and Guilt
Many individuals in estrangement situations may grapple with feelings of failure and guilt regarding Mother's Day. This often stems from societal expectations of being a 'good child' and complying with toxic behaviors. However, it is important to understand that not having a positive relationship with one's mother does not equate to failure or determine self-worth. Letting go of guilt surrounding sending cards or not sending them is crucial. Choosing to celebrate oneself or being selective in the cards chosen are valid options. It is common to struggle with self-doubt and feelings of failure, but it is vital to remember that one's worth is not defined by their relationship with their mother.
On this special Mother's day episode, host Harriet Shearsmith talks about the grief and guilt that surrounds estrangement during holidays, especially days celebrating parental days.