Understanding & Overcoming Mom Rage
There are several books available on mom rage by now. They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children.
They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health. (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)
There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and
why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes.
Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things.
I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it.
Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES! That’s ME!”.
I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it.
We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either.
If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.
Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me:
Now I have a plan and support structure, and I've learned really helpful tools to change the way I talk with my children in these difficult moments.
- M.M.
The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt.
- K.D.
I have seen here some shifts thankfully in the slowing down and welcoming the feelings of all people...and figuring out a way to kind of move through the conflict together instead of this is the way we're going to do it.
- Liann
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Minna Dubin's Book (Affiliate Link)
Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood
Jump to Highlights
00:52. Introducing today’s episode and featured guests
03:19. The "PR team" represents societal expectations of motherhood, pressuring mothers to meet unrealistic standards alone.
13:59. Society's pressures and high expectations for mothers can lead to feelings of anger and unworthiness.
22:07 Mothers frequently feel isolated and overwhelmed as they prioritize their children's needs over their own, which can result in feelings of anger and frustration.
32:52 Motherhood brings big changes and societal pressures, making support from other moms essential.
39:32 We tend to judge ourselves and other parents, but noticing this can help us be kinder, since everyone is dealing with their own struggles.
44:11 It's important for moms to talk openly about their moments of rage to feel less shame and more support
55:04 It’s important for parents to identify their triggers and communicate openly with partners about differences in parenting decisions while building supportive networks to navigate societal pressures.
References
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Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger. New York: Atria.
Horrell, N. D., Acosta, M. C., & Saltzman, W. (2021). Plasticity of the paternal brain: Effects of fatherhood on neural structure and function.
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Paternina-Die, M., Martínez-García, M., Pretus, C., Hoekzema, E., Barba-Müller, E., Martín de Blas, D., ... & Carmona, S. (2020). The paternal transition entails neuroanatomic adaptations that are associated with the father’s brain response to his infant cues.
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Scharrer, E., Warren, S., Grimshaw, E., Kamau, G., Cho, S., Reijven, M., & Zhang, C. (2021). Disparaged Dads? A content analysis of depictions of fathers in U.S. sitcoms over time. Psychology of Popular Media 10(2), 275-287.
Szymanski, D.M. et al. (2009). Internalized misogyny as a moderator of the link between sexist events and women’s psychological distress. Sex Roles 61(102), 101-109.
