Understanding & Overcoming Mom Rage

There are several books available on mom rage by now.  They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children.

They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health.  (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)

There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes.

Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things.

I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it.

Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES!  That’s ME!”.

I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it.

We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either.

If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.

Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me:

Now I have a plan and support structure, and I've learned really helpful tools to change the way I talk with my children in these difficult moments.                                                                                                - M.M.The workshop gave me very clear steps to take toward being the mother I aspire to be by helping me heal my own hurt.                                                                                                - K.D.I have seen here some shifts thankfully in the slowing down and welcoming the feelings of all people...and figuring out a way to kind of move through the conflict together instead of this is the way we're going to do it.                                                                                                - Liann

Taming Your Triggers Masterclass

If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:

• Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
• Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
• Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…

…the Taming Your Triggers masterclass will help you.

Get instant access for $7. Click the banner to sign up!!

Minna Dubin's Book (Affiliate Link)

Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern MotherhoodJump to highlights

00:52. Introducing today’s episode and featured guests

03:19. The "PR team" represents societal expectations of motherhood, pressuring mothers to meet unrealistic standards alone.

13:59. Society's pressures and high expectations for mothers can lead to feelings of anger and unworthiness.

22:07 Mothers frequently feel isolated and overwhelmed as they prioritize their children's needs over their own, which can result in feelings of anger and frustration.

32:52 Motherhood brings big changes and societal pressures, making support from other moms essential.

39:32 We tend to judge ourselves and other parents, but noticing this can help us be kinder, since everyone is dealing with their own struggles.

44:11 It's important for moms to talk openly about their moments of rage to feel less shame and more support

55:04 It’s important for parents to identify their triggers and communicate openly with partners about differences in parenting decisions while building supportive networks to navigate societal pressures.

References

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Burgard, S.A. (2011). The needs of others: Gender and sleep interruptions for caregivers. Social Forces 89(4), 1189-1216.

Chemaly, S. (2018). Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger. New York: Atria.

Horrell, N. D., Acosta, M. C., & Saltzman, W. (2021). Plasticity of the paternal brain: Effects of fatherhood on neural structure and function. Developmental psychobiology, 63(5), 1499-1520.

Kessler, R.C. et al. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry 62(6), 617-627.

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Ou, C.H.K., Hall, W.A., Rodney, P., & Stremler, R. (2022). Correlates of Canadian mothers’ anger during the postpartum period: A cross-sectional survey. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth 22: 163.

Paternina-Die, M., Martínez-García, M., Pretus, C., Hoekzema, E., Barba-Müller, E., Martín de Blas, D., ... & Carmona, S. (2020). The paternal transition entails neuroanatomic adaptations that are associated with the father’s brain response to his infant cues. Cerebral Cortex Communications, 1(1), tgaa082.

Scharrer, E., Warren, S., Grimshaw, E., Kamau, G., Cho, S., Reijven, M., & Zhang, C. (2021). Disparaged Dads? A content analysis of depictions of fathers in U.S. sitcoms over time. Psychology of Popular Media 10(2), 275-287.

Szymanski, D.M. et al. (2009). Internalized misogyny as a moderator of the link between sexist events and women’s psychological distress. Sex Roles 61(102), 101-109.