Episode 381: Rewriting Your Sexual Script

Mar 21, 2025

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Rachel Zar joins to discuss the limitations of traditional sexual scripts. She explains how these scripts shape predictable sexual encounters, often hindering pleasure and contributing to the orgasm gap. Zar shares insights on how to rewrite these scripts and encourages open communication about desires. The conversation touches on embracing sexual uncertainty and using techniques like sensate focus to foster deeper connections. Listeners are inspired to explore intimacy in more fulfilling and flexible ways.

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INSIGHT

Sexual Scripts Defined

Sexual scripts are unwritten rules we follow during sex.
These are implicit understandings of what one should do, not explicit agreements.

ANECDOTE

Typical Script Example

A typical heterosexual script involves foreplay, intercourse, and simultaneous orgasm.
Often, sex ends with the male orgasm, neglecting other pleasures.

INSIGHT

Scripts Limit Pleasure

Scripts offer predictability but limit pleasure and create a male-centric sexual experience.
They hinder creativity and flexibility, causing panic when things deviate.

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When you have sex, do you kind of already know how it’s going to play out before your clothes even came off? If so, you’re not alone. Most of us follow sexual scripts that feature a predictable sequence of activities. However, these scripts can limit our opportunities for pleasure. In today’s show, we’re going to discuss how to rewrite your sexual script and cultivate a more fulfilling intimate life.

I am joined once again by Rachel Zar, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist. Dr. Zar is a clinical supervisor at Avid Intimacy, a sex and relationship therapy private practice in Chicago.

Some of the specific questions we explore include:

What is a sexual script anyway, and what might a typical script look like?
How do sexual scripts limit our experiences with pleasure and connection?
How do sexual scripts contribute to the orgasm gap?
What does it mean to rewrite your sexual script?
How do you rewrite your script when you’re not entirely sure what you want?

You can check out Rachel’s website to learn more about her work.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.