On Maintaining Desire (Emily Nagoski, PhD)

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Feb 8, 2024

Emily Nagoski discusses the evolution of attraction towards a loved one's body, emphasizing the deep connection and love that fuels desire. She explores the science and art of sexual connection, advocating for understanding desire's complexity in relationships. The podcast delves into prioritizing pleasure, the cultural critique of TV show Naked Attraction, and the interplay of emotions in maintaining satisfying relationships.

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INSIGHT

Evolving Attraction Over Time

Attraction to a partner's body evolves and is not limited to initial physical traits.
Long-term attraction includes loving a partner’s changing body as the home of the human they adore.

INSIGHT

Responsive Desire's Role in Longevity

Spontaneous desire is just one form; responsive desire, driven by pleasure, is equally normal.
Long-term sexual connection thrives on pleasure rather than spontaneous urge alone.

ADVICE

Center Pleasure to Fuel Desire

Identify what kind of sex you want and find situations that deliver pleasure.
Co-create contexts with your partner that make it easier to reach sexual desire and pleasure.

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“The deal is your bodies are going to change over time and people can stay attracted to somebody's body over time, even though it is unrecognizable from what it was like when they first met because that body is the home of a human they adore our attraction to a person's body can be just like superficial something like your toenails are gross, or it can be here is the human whose life I have shared in our home for all these years and like their belly and their bum and their varicose veins and their scar from the surgery that saved their life all of it is so fucking hot because this is my person.”

So says Emily Nagoski, one of the most exceptional minds at work today on the science—and she would add, art—of sexual connection, intimacy, and arousal. Emily is brilliant and she’s also deeply human, using her own experiences in the world as the foundational ground for exploring relationship: This means that she’s not full of heady theory and diagnoses, but focused on what actually works to fuel desire—and bring it to fruition.

She’s the author of the mega bestselling Come as You Are, as well as a book called Burnout about the stress cycle that she co-authored with her twin sister, and now she brings us Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, which is the natural evolution. While Come as You Are is a primer on how we all function as sexual creatures, Come Together explores what happens when you bring that into relationship—and try to establish and maintain a connection that can endure through seasons of, well, low interest.

She is full of ideas, principles, and methods for getting it going—including a core blueprint for determining what rooms are adjacent to your desire. I loved this book, I love Emily, and I loved our conversation.

MORE FROM THE EMILY NAGOSKI:

Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Watch Emily’s TED Talk

Emily’s Website

Follow Emily on Instagram

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