Elevator Systems - Bowen Family Systems Theory

S3 Ep17 Aging with Selden Dunbar Illick

Oct 28, 2025

Selden Dunbar Illick, a longtime scholar of Bowen family systems theory and founder of the Princeton Family Center for Education, shares her insights on aging. She discusses how emotional connections influence aging and the balance of support within families. Illick explores concepts like emotional cutoff and differentiation, illustrating them through personal and cultural examples. She emphasizes the importance of lifelong learning and engaging in open conversations about end-of-life preferences, advocating for intergenerational connection to improve family dynamics.

Ask episode

AI Snips

Chapters

Books

Transcript

Episode notes

INSIGHT

Aging Is Lifelong And Relational

Aging is a lifelong process that begins at birth and shapes later-life family connections.
How we handle relationships earlier affects emotional contact and quality of life in old age.

ADVICE

Find The Goldilocks Level Of Help

Assess when support is needed and avoid making elderly relatives into passive dependents.
Aim for the 'just right' balance of help by asking what the older person wants and needs.

ANECDOTE

A Pause That Changed Her Approach

Selden recalled a friend who taught her to pause and ask what the reunion was truly for.
That moment taught her to listen more and be less bossy in family planning.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Get the app

Welcome to Elevator Systems! Selden Dunbar Illick joins Dixie Vandersluys and Katie White as they think through aging from a Bowen family systems perspective on today’s episode.

Selden Dunbar Illick has been studying Bowen family systems theory for over 40 years. Selden founded the Princeton Family Center for Education in 1987 and currently serves on the Board. She is particularly interested in the application of Bowen theory to family functioning in the present as it connects to the multigenerational past and to future generations, especially the concept of emotional cutoff between the generations and degrees of unresolved emotional attachment. Today, at the age of 85, Selden continues to be a consultant to those interested in applying a Bowen family systems theory perspective to their lives.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

Aging is a lifelong process that begins at birth.
The usefulness of maintaining emotional connections across generations.
The idea of over and under-functioning and thoughtfully providing and receiving support.
Emotional cutoff and differentiation as key concepts in intergenerational relationships.
The importance of lifelong learning and curiosity.
Examples include: personal and clinical examples of families and aging, historical and cultural examples, and the show “Call the Midwife”

This episode is for anyone who is aging, has aging family members, or works with individual and families facing the challenges and opportunities of aging.

Terms you don’t understand? We have episodes on all 8 concepts of Bowen theory and other ideas in Elevator Systems Seasons 1 & 2.

Recommended Resources:

The Murray Bowen Archives Project
Dr. Murray Bowen: Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
Dr. Murray Bowen: A Systems View of the Aging Process (Family Systems Journal 13.1)
Dr. Jenny Brown: Growing Yourself Up
Monica McGoldrick & Betty Carter: The Family Life Cycle
Death and Chronic Illness in the Family, Ed. Peter Titelman & Sydney K. Reed
Dr. Bowen & Kathleen Yanks: The Basic Series #7 - Emotional Cutoff
Living Systems Oct/25 conference Aging: Individual Challenge or Family Opportunity?

New podcast episodes released every Tuesday this season—stay tuned as we explore relationships across the lifespan!

Subscribe on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts so you don’t miss a weekly release.

Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and comment.

Living Systems Counselling and Training provides educational material for those interested in learning more about Bowen family systems theory: https://livingsystems.ca

Key Topics:
#BowenFamilySystems #LivingSystems #MurrayBowen #Therapy #SystemsThinking #Family #Aging #Seniors #Elder #Elderly #BabyBoomers #EndofLife #NextGeneration #PasstheBaton #MentalHealth #Relationships #TherapyPodcast #DifferentiationOfSelf #Differentiation #BowenTheory #ElevatorSystems #FamilySystemsTheory #ElevatorSystemsPodcast #MurrayBowenArchives #TMBAP #TheMurrayBowenArchivesProject

DISCLAIMER: This podcast is general information about Bowen family systems theory and is not considered the practice of counselling or therapy. The information presented are the views of the people who say them. Any information used from this podcast is used at your own risk.