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#463: Esther Perel — The Relationship Episode: Sex, Love, Polyamory, Marriage, and More (Repost)

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Sep 12, 2020

Guest

Esther Perel

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and bestselling author, dives into the complexities of modern relationships. She discusses the nuances of polyamory and the concept of honesty in love. Listeners will be intrigued by her thoughts on desire, infidelity, and the evolving landscape of commitment. Perel also explores the importance of mentorship and vulnerability in personal growth. With insights drawn from personal anecdotes, she challenges traditional views on monogamy and the emotional intricacies of intimacy, making for an engaging discussion on the nature of human connections.

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ANECDOTE

Esther Perel's Childhood

Esther Perel grew up in Antwerp, Belgium, in a community of Holocaust survivors.
Her home was multilingual, reflecting diverse cultural influences and a sense of impermanence.

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INSIGHT

Values and Themes

Values of decency and street smarts were emphasized in Perel's community.
Survival and revival were central themes, shaping their outlook on life.

question_answer

ANECDOTE

Survival Strategies

Perel's mother credited survival to chance, premonitions, and maintaining her humanity.
Her father emphasized chance, ingenuity, and helping others.

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01:51 • 7min

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Exploring the Complexities of Modern Relationships

08:29 • 3min

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A Journey Through Survival and Identity

11:50 • 22min

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Embracing Impermanence and Mentorship

33:28 • 20min

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Exploring the Depths of Desire and Monogamy

53:52 • 25min

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Navigating Non-Monogamous Relationships

01:18:29 • 21min

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Gaslighting and the Evolving Landscape of Infidelity

01:39:07 • 15min

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Exploring Infidelity and Intimacy in Relationships

01:54:13 • 4min

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Literature and Connection: Influences on Well-Being

01:57:43 • 6min

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Episode Wrap-Up and Health Insights

02:03:54 • 6min

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The truce

a survivor's journey home from Auschwitz

Primo Levi

In 'The Truce', Primo Levi recounts his eight-month journey from Auschwitz back to Turin, Italy, after the camp's liberation. The book vividly describes his experiences in various displaced persons camps and his encounters with diverse characters during his travels through Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union. Levi's narrative is marked by its vivid portrayal of humanity and the challenges of returning to normal life after such traumatic events.

Man's Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl

The book is divided into two parts. The first part recounts Frankl's harrowing experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps, including Auschwitz, between 1942 and 1945. He describes the inhumane conditions and the psychological and emotional struggles of the prisoners. The second part introduces Frankl's theory of logotherapy, which posits that the primary human drive is the search for meaning, rather than pleasure. Frankl argues that meaning can be found through three main avenues: work (doing something significant), love (caring for another), and suffering (finding meaning in one's own suffering). The book emphasizes the importance of finding purpose and meaning in life, even in the most adverse conditions, as a key factor in survival and personal growth.

Crime and Punishment

Bibliophile Bibliophile Pro

Constance Black Garnett

FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY

Published in 1866, 'Crime and Punishment' is a psychological novel set in St. Petersburg, Russia. It revolves around Rodion Raskolnikov, an impoverished and intellectually gifted former student who formulates a theory that some individuals are morally justified in committing crimes for the greater good of society. Raskolnikov puts this theory to the test by murdering an old pawnbroker and her half-sister, leading to a profound exploration of his psychological and emotional struggles with guilt, paranoia, and the consequences of his actions. The novel delves into socio-economic disparities, moral dilemmas, and the psychology of criminals, making it a classic of Russian literature and existential thought.

The Art of Loving

Erich Fromm

In this classic work, Erich Fromm argues that love is not a sentiment but an art that requires effort, practice, and the development of one's total personality. He critiques the popular conception of love and asserts that true love involves care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Fromm explores various types of love, including brotherly love, motherly love, erotic love, self-love, and the love of God, emphasizing the importance of humility, courage, faith, and discipline in achieving mature and fulfilling love.

Published in 1857, 'Madame Bovary' is a seminal work of literary realism that tells the story of Emma Bovary, a beautiful and intelligent young woman who marries Charles Bovary, a dull and unambitious doctor. Emma's life is marked by boredom, romantic fantasies, and a series of ill-fated love affairs with men like Rodolphe and Léon. Her inability to distinguish between her romantic ideals and the harsh realities of her life leads to financial ruin, public scandal, and ultimately, her tragic demise. The novel is renowned for its masterful writing, detailed psychological insights, and its critique of bourgeois provincial life.

The state of affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

Esther Perel

In this book, Esther Perel delves into the complex and often misunderstood topic of infidelity. She weaves real-life case stories with psychological and cultural analysis to understand why people cheat, even in happy marriages. Perel argues that affairs can provide a unique window into modern relationships, revealing our expectations, desires, and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. The book offers practical advice on how couples can heal from infidelity and potentially grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences.

Mating in Captivity

Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

Esther Perel

In this book, Esther Perel explores the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, arguing that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor can be antithetical to erotic desire. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel uses case studies and lively discussions to demonstrate how more exciting, playful, and poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. She emphasizes the importance of maintaining independence, mystery, and the space between self and other to sustain desire.

If This Is a Man

Primo Levi

This book is an autobiographical account of Primo Levi's experiences as a prisoner in Auschwitz from February 1944 to January 1945. It describes the harsh conditions, the dehumanization of prisoners, and the struggle to maintain humanity in the face of extreme suffering. Levi's narrative is characterized by its calm and reflective tone, aiming to inform readers about the atrocities of the Nazi camp system and to serve as a personal act of 'interior liberation'.

Esther Perel — The Relationship Episode: Sex, Love, Polyamory, Marriage, and More (Repost) | Brought to you by ButcherBox and Laird Superfood.

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel (@EstherPerelOfficial) is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Esther is an acclaimed TED speaker and the host of the hit podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?.

In this episode, Esther and I explore:

How to find (and convince) mentors who can change your life.
What she’s learned from Holocaust survivors.
Polyamory and close cousins.
Is there such a thing as too much honesty in relationships?
Can we want what we already have?
Why do happy people cheat?
And much, much more.

This episode originally aired in 2017. You can find the show notes here: https://tim.blog/2017/05/21/esther-perel/

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