Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled

If Consequences Aren't Working, Try This Instead

Jan 21, 2025

A concerned dad feels overwhelmed as his four-year-old uses ultimatums in response to attempted boundaries. He struggles with guilt and fears damaging the trusting bond he has with his kids. Janet emphasizes the importance of understanding emotions and fostering open communication. Practical strategies for setting boundaries without escalating conflict are discussed, along with the value of allowing children to experience their feelings. Tips for promoting healthier family living post-holidays also add a refreshing twist.

30:17

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Quick takeaways

Rather than relying solely on consequences, parents should validate children's emotions and help them process difficult feelings to strengthen their bond.

Shifting from punitive discipline to an empathetic, problem-solving approach can reduce power struggles and nurture a more positive parent-child relationship.

Deep dives

The Challenge of Setting Boundaries

Many parents struggle with effectively establishing boundaries with their children, particularly when traditional consequences seem to backfire. The desire to discipline often leads to frustration when children respond with resistance or even threats. In one instance, a father found that using consequences to encourage good behavior made his son internalize the concept, turning it against him by issuing ultimatums when he didn't get his way. This cycle can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication, ultimately making it even more challenging to maintain a close relationship with the child.

Intro

2min

Navigating Parenting Challenges: Reflections on Consequences and Connection

8min

Navigating Boundaries with Empathy and Support

10min

Embracing Emotions and Healthy Living

3min

Navigating Emotional Challenges in Parenting

11min

A parent with 2 children, 4 and 1.5-years-old, writes to Janet feeling disappointed and concerned that he's letting his children down. This dad admits that he’s very sensitive to his both children’s emotions, especially if they’re upset. In order to deal with their typical, rambunctious behaviors, he’s attempted to set reasonable boundaries with consequences in terms of dressing, bathing, bedtime, roughhousing, etc. This "If you do that, then... " strategy was effective for a while, he says, but lately seems to have backfired because his four-year-old is now giving him ultimatums. The boy's behaviors have become more extreme, and in response the dad says he threatens unnatural consequences, which leads to tears, more guilt, and on and on. “I hate the whole cycle,” he says. “I hate feeling like I’ve let them down. I hate the feeling of being out of control. Mostly, I hate and fear the breaking of trust and the positive relationship that I have with him.”

Janet offers her suggestions and encouragement.

Learn more about Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" at: NoBadKidsCourse.com.

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