Each episode gives firsthand expert perspective, professional advice, and personal stories for and from people who have challenges with reading, language, math, focus, and other differences. Please check out this incredible resource. It's loaded with information and always supportive. If you're in it, I believe it will speak to you wherever you are on your journey. To listen, search for In It, Raising Kids Who Learn Differently on whatever podcast app you use. That's In It, Raising Kids Who Learn Differently. So this dad said that he started finding that it really worked when he would say, if you do that, then. And I think it worked because the dad felt confident about being fair that way. And in the beginning, it sounds like it worked to help him avoid some of the clashes that are now coming to the fore and really need to happen, in my opinion. So he said it worked straight away and had a positive impact. I'm not sure what that looked like, but he said, I try to keep the consequence natural and explain the reasoning every time. So yeah, it's wonderful to give our child a reason for why we have a boundary with them, a simple reason, but the ideal would be to do that out of respect and not because we need to have a reason so that you'll understand and come to agree with us in a reasonable way. A lot of us want to explain ourselves. We want it to explain so our child will say, oh, okay, then I'll do that. And oftentimes, especially when there's all these feelings to be expressed, it's not the way it works. And now he says that his son is saying these things like, well, if you don't tell me another story, I will hit you. So here's how I would handle this situation, this example that this dad gave. His son says, I want another story. And the dad said, we agreed on three stories, and then we'd put the light off. So that's where the dad went straight to reason. Well, here's the agreement that we both signed on to, and this is why you shouldn't want another story. You should know that that's not what we decided on. But that is all in the reasonable head. So this child is showing he's not in that, or at least that's not what he needs to express right now. So he says, I want another story. Instead of saying we agreed on three and then we'd put the light off, the safest thing is to just acknowledge, ah, you want another story. You really do when we can't because it's time to put the light off. Acknowledging not just by saying words, I know you want another story, but really allowing that to have a life, that feeling that he has. Because we want to turn this around to actually, I want to hear your feelings. And then he says it again. And then we say, okay, no, we really have to put the light off now and try to go to sleep. And then he says, well, if you don't tell me another story, I will hit you. Right there, we're getting the gist of some of these feelings that are there. It's not about a story. It's about, ah, I have this feeling that I want to hit you. I just have a really strong feeling. And that's where I would, again go to the feeling, acknowledging the feeling. We're going to work on seeing this as the gold right there, as the positive, as what's going to bring us closer and what's going to help him with his behavior and help us with his behavior when he actually feels free and safe to share all the things. So he says, if you won't tell me another story, I will hit you. Whoa, I feel that. You're so mad or you're so disappointed we're not reading another book. You can be mad at me, my love. That's okay with me. That kind of attitude probably feels scary because it is a feeling of letting go of control. And this dad said that he doesn't like that feeling. And nobody likes that feeling, I don't think, but it's safe. In fact, it's safe and it's what will help us to get what we want, that close relationship, that all accepting, but we don't let you do everything, we help you when you can't relationship. And this dad says, I hate feeling like I've let them down, but them being angry is not letting them down. I hate the feeling of being out of control. Yes, it does feel scary to let another person feel something negative about us and actually be okay with that. Mostly I hate and fear the breaking of trust and positive relationship I have with them. So this is actually the opposite. It builds trust and it makes for a more positive relationship. But, you know, I know it's hard to believe that. Try it. I think you'll see, as so many parents have, that it really does work. So then he talks about this situation where the older one's wreaking havoc and they got to get the little one to bed and they're worried about the safety of the child and all of that. So those are valid fears. Do what you can to keep that child safe. What can sometimes help is to put that younger child to bed first. I don't know if they're both in the same room or how this is going. But this is where we want to pull out that word overall, help. As soon as he starts stalling, even before he starts stalling, be in helpful mode. It says, for example, when he gets out of the bath, I often struggle to get him to put his pajamas on. So right here, I'm going to help you out of the bath and you're holding him. Okay. I want to help you put these clothes on. Yes. He knows how to do that himself, but he's showing that he's struggling to do this right now. So I wouldn't try to direct him there. I would think more in terms of helping him, getting your little guy through this difficult time as best you can with him fighting and saying no and all of that. It's amazing how when we go into helpful mode, not waiting till we're already in angry mode to help, then our energy is not comfortable for our child, understandably. It's not comfortable for us either. But if we realize that we may need to go there to that helpful place right away and we're willing to do that, it's amazing how children melt into that. Because we're not going up against them with all the reason and the consequences and trying to get them to do something. We know they're little emotional children that need a lot of help, and we're willing to be that person for them right away. So it won't hurt if you go into it when it wasn't needed. That'll never be a problem. But what does get in the way is if we wait too long. And then, like this dad says, he has a hard time being unruffled. Well, yeah, we all do because right there, we're trying something that's not working, we're getting more frustrated, and we're not going to be able to be unruffled. So the only way to be able to do that is to already be ready. You know, it's the end of the day. This guy's been showing me he needs extra help, and can do that. Or, you know what? We're all tired. I better go into helpful mode right now. And while you're in helpful mode, that same idea of the feelings are welcome. His dad says at the end, I need mantras. Well, let the feelings be. Encourage the feelings even. Like, you get to feel like this. Yeah, you don't want to do this. You don't want to do that. Instead of pushing up against the feelings, welcome them while you help your child physically with the behavior. Trying to get our child to feel differently is just an impossible task. Even if it works now and again, it's not sustainable and it creates this sense of distance. So it's creating exactly what this dad is trying so hard to avoid. By avoiding it, he's actually creating it. But he can turn that around right now by remembering this word help and this idea that feelings are the healing. Let those feelings be. Welcome those feelings. This is the best thing that could happen, that my child is mad at me right now. And I'm not going to let him do the hurtful things. If he wants to run away, you know, I let him get a little way away from me. I'm not going to be chasing him. He's just a little kid. So I see him run away and I'm like, I'm right over here. I've got your clothes on. Okay, it looks like you need more help. And I'm walking over being that leader that really wants to help, that doesn't want to charge everything up more with that kind of energy, but is really going to stay calm no matter what, because I'm expecting that this may happen and that through all the experiences my family's been through, there are a lot of feelings that need to be shared. Piece by piece, we're going to allow that to happen if possible. So turning this around and reframing these ideas about feelings and sensitivity and closeness, what that really looks like between parent and child or between any two people. It's getting to feel all the hard things you feel and be safe with someone who's not just trying to cheer you up or make it better. They're really okay with it. That's the ultimate closeness. And that's the ultimate freedom. When we're not afraid of any of it, and we're not trying to push it all away with reason and make behavior better, we're going to help our child when they can't help themselves. So yeah, taking a step back from this, this feeling that we all have of wanting to avoid kids' feelings, the messiness of that, the scariness of that for us, it creates the very thing we want to avoid. So please be patient with yourself as you're trying new things and you're trying to see differently. Practice it when you're not in that situation with your child. Just practice looking at those situations you've found yourself in and seeing, oh, I'm just going to help this kooky guy get it together here. He doesn't want to make us frustrated. I can do this. Yeah, I want him to love me, but this is actually the way. It's different than what I thought. I really hope some of that helps. And again, baby steps. Be good to yourself. It's not going to all change at once, but just going a little bit this direction, I think you'll start to see the difference when your child melts into you. So mad at you at the same time, but melting into the comfort of your help and acceptance. Thanks so much for listening. We can do this. If you like Unruffled, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey.